How would you write this down - describe what audience sees

[Fenz]

A man kidnapped a woman and the woman is sitting in the car next to him (bound). The man makes a phonecall in the car. I would like it if the audience did not see her when they see the kidnapper for the first time. Is there anyway to do this without "directing"?

Ideally the viewer sees the woman for the first time when she screams (and gets the guy on the other end of the phone suspicious etc) and the kidnapper tries to silence her.

Or do I just move her to the trunk? ;)

[Deus Ex Machine]

I agree with Okey.

Write it the way you see it in your mind. If you don't imagine the woman being seen don't describe her until you imagine her being seen.

[Fenz]

Well not exactly, the kidnapper talks for a while to another person. This way I establish the relation between these two men.

The relationship changes drasticly when Person A finds out that Person B has a woman kidnapped and the story starts to unfold. If possible I want the scream to be the start of their changing relation.

I hope this makes sense. English isn't my native language.

EDIT because of Deus his reply: So it is ok to show her when she actually does something even when she sits right next to him when he is talking on the phone?

[OkeyDokey]

Why not just describe her when the audience sees her?

Don't describe what the audience can't see. So first, we would see just the guy sitting in the car talking on the phone. Then we hear a scream, and see the bound woman cowering on the floor of the car. Yes?

[wcmartell]

I just wrote a similar scene - a woman is having coffee with her lover. I introduce the woman, but just mentioned that her lover is sitting across from her. After the woman talks for a bit, the lover says something... and that's when I reveal the lover's identity (a plot twist) and "show them" for the first time. No camera directions involved, just some fancy footwork with language.

But I have to tell you, when I kidnap people, I usually gag them. Especially if I'm going to be in a car in public with them. A scream may not just ruin a relationship, it can alert the police. For that reason, I also stuff them in the trunk (a trick I learned from the original GET CARTER - and who says movies aren't educational?).

- Bill

[DUCPHO]

Well... you could really push the envelope! I mean, that doesn't take much on these boards so I hesitate to blaspheme in this manner, but maybe, just maybe you could display "whatever portion" of the kidnapper's face you wish by showing only that part of his face as a reflection in the rear view mirror... oh my... did I really say that?:lol

Now will come the inevitable "why", when you can simply do as Dues and OD said... just write it as you see it! But perhaps... just perhaps... you see it different then they do?:eek

[Deus Ex Machine]

We only see what you put on the page. If you only tell us about the man on the phone we only see the man on the phone. If at some point you want to shock us and have him hold the phone to a bound hostage int he seat beside him then shock us by not telling us about her until he holds the phone to her.

Read the opening sequence of Sword Fish, it does exactly what you seem to be trying to do.


Story telling is the art of with holding information until its revealing will have the desired impact on the audience. We don't have to know everything there is to know up front.

And if I don't see it the same way you do it doesn't matter, just write it the way you see it when you watch the film playing in your mind. Imagine describing the film made from your script to a blind man in the seat next to you in the theater. If the camera is only showing a man talking on the phone -- would you tell the blind man there is a woman tied up in the seat next to the man? Of course not, you can only tell him that when the camera shows it and the camera will show it when it will have the most dramatic impact on you.

HTH

[DUCPHO]

Story telling is the art of withholding information until it's revealing will have the desired impact on the audience!

Ditto Dues... exactly!

The first question that came to my mind was why did you want the reader(viewer) to immediately see the kidnapper's face.

Wouldn't it be a bit more intriguing to ,say, only show or reveal his eyes or mouth while on the phone.

Of course, I don't know what your plot premise is, however, if you can tighten the tension, create an ambiance of the unknown or mysterious, it might serve you well, again, depending on your premise!:smokin

[Fenz]

Thanks for the answers.

"Wouldn't it be a bit more intriguing to ,say, only show or reveal his eyes or mouth while on the phone."

Wouldn't this be directing?

About the scream, the woman was gagged but somehow managed to losen the gag :)

[Deus Ex Machine]

Wouldn't this be directing?

It's cinematic storytelling.

Directing would read something like:

35mm LENS, ECU on JOHN'S MOUTH and CELL PHONE.

........JOHN
...(into cell phone)
I have someone here who wants to
talk to you.

PAN WITH PHONE as John holds the phone out. PAN INTO A MCU HEAD SHOT OF the GAGED WOMAN sitting in the seat beside him.

.................................................. .........CUT TO:

TWO SHOT:

He pulls her gag lose.

Cinematic storytelling would look something like:

All we see is John's mouth as he speaks into a cell phone.

........JOHN
...(into cell phone)
I have someone here who wants to
talk to you.

John holds the phone out to --

A gaged woman sitting next to him.

He pulls her gag lose.

You select a style and words that evoke the feel and images int he reader's mind so they imagine the story the same way you do and give your reader the same cinematic experience you would expect the audience of the film to have.

HTH