A quick survey - grammar

[GBarlow]

Since screenwriting doesn't necessarily follow the normal rules of grammar, I would be interested in how you would format the following example if it was in your script.


a) Rob stumbles to the desk, grabs the phone.

b) Rob stumbles to the desk and grabs the phone.

c) Rob stumbles to the desk - grabs the phone.

d) Rob stumbles to the desk. He grabs the phone.

e) Rob stumbles to the desk. Grabs the phone.

I realise that this is a personal preference issue but, in my mind, a) and c) seem to flow more easily.

Your thoughts?

[whistlelock]

d. I'm a fan of short, clear sentences.

[Salazkin]

Infinitesmal in difference, but since you ask: a.

[peakbeach]

(a) any day.

Now, if there was another action (a third one), I would have to use two sentences. One would be too long. ;)

[Unca Leo]

e

[vmf]

A) or D)

[TonyRob]

I've done all of those at one point or another, except for C. C gives me the creeps for some reason.

[ComicBent]

Straight narrative prose: (b).

[PeekABooBang]

a

[dpaterso]

Honestly, depending on how I feel at various times of the day... all of 'em. I'm not allergic to any, and all do the job for me. What might decide which I'd use is scene pacing. Is this a tense scene, is Rob waiting for a phone call from the Governor to halt the impending execution of an innocent man? Then c) calls to me -- that jerky little action in grabbing the phone.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[Hamboogul]

William Goldman would write:

Rob stumbles to the desk, solid mahogany type. In the drawers, there's a Colt 45 but that's not important right now. What is important is that he reaches for the phone.

Shane Black would write:

Rob stumbles to the huge oak desk, the kind that I can afford because I'm Shane Black. The desktop is a great place to have sex. He must call for a hooker so he grabs the phone.

[nickj]

a), with an occasional b) when the meter's right.

[UserName]

f) Rob stumbles to the desk! Grabs the phone!

[captain bligh]

e.

[VLBarnhill]

I use:

a) mostly (because they are clearly separate actions)

I use:

b) occasionally (when there's more than two separate actions that I want to keep within one sentence - it just reads better)

Rob stumbles to the desk, grabs the phone and dials.

[JoeNYC]

In this instance, "a" or "e" is good for me.

In order to give the line energy and make it a fast read for the reader, I'll drop "and," replacing it with a comma.

It's the same reason why I would drop the pronoun "He." It's obvious that the action is being performed by Rob, so it isn't necessary for me to add another word to the action/description.

Now, this doesn't mean I would drop every "and" in my script, replacing it with a comma or period. It depends.

[A Pathetic Writer]

F) We see Rob stumble to the desk. We see him grab the phone.

[A Pathetic Writer]

For the record, B and D is not only the more grammatically correct variant, but adds spice and variety to a faltering love life.

[VLBarnhill]

Joe~

Funny you should mention that. One of the things I do on my final swipe is examine every single "and" to see if any of them should be replaced with commas.

I also examine every single "ing" in my scene descriptions (action). I generally replace 99% of those.

I also look for any lines with three words or less, dialogue included. (Some call those orphans, others call them widows. I'm not sure which is correct.) If at all possible, I clean those puppies up. I generally change 50% of those.

I also make sure I have no chunks of action more than four lines long. I tend to keep an eye on this throughout the writing process, but occasionally a big chunk will slip by.

I don't do these things because anyone has insisted they are correct or incorrect. I do them because I personally feel they improve the quality and appearance of my finished product.

I do these steps as part of a "cosmetic" clean-up, not part of the writing process. NOTHING as anal as the things I have listed above should EVER impede the actual creative writing process (in my opinion). The more I write, the more I find I do these things automatically, without giving them (much) thought.

Yeah, I'm anal. I know. And I've yet to have anything produced, so what the heck do I know. But I am proud to say that I have been optioned. Therefore, something I'm doing must be spot-on.

What anal steps do you guys take in the writing/clean-up processes?

~Barn

[A Pathetic Writer]

I wipe my ass with writepro scripts.

[VLBarnhill]

You are a freak!

:smokin

[wcmartell]

a or e - depending on the pacing of the scene.

[Writing Again]

Probably A.

I'd be more apt to use:

Rob stumbles to the desk: Grabs the phone.

Than to use e, simply because it is better grammar and has nearly the same effect. By using the colon you turn what would be a sentence fragment into a legitimate construction.

I don't think any creative writing sticks to perfect grammar though, and I didn't even do it in this post.

[altoption]

a) reads like one shot.
e) reads like there's a cut.

I like a), unless the action of grabbing the phone is very significant.

[A Pathetic Writer]

I'd be willing to wager that neither of these sentences is vitally important to the scene at all.

Including blocking in your construct is as close to saying "I don't really have any story-driven action, but you'll never buy an all-dialogue script," as you can get and still be using subtext.

[kojled]

gbarlow

nice question. i like ex. a. in a script you don't really need small words, the - and, etc. they can be replace with a comma most of the time.

ex. a is best cause it describes all the action in the most economical way. all the other examples use too much space - and at the end of the day you will probably need all the space(s) you can get - every one of them

if your script comes in at 92 pages then space isn't an issue - but then flow becomes most important. ex. a has best flow. i'll add that d is the best in a literary sense, but is the clumsiest for a screenplay because:

a) it is two separate sentences
b) you refer to the subject as both rob and he, redundant
c) 'he grabs the phone' is a dull, simple sentence with no depth or impact


zilla

[Manilow in Blue]

e.

[Architeuthis Dux]

I'd be more likely to use b.

[Revisionist]

e) Rob stumbles to the desk. Grabs the phone.

It would normally be my choice. Stumbles doesn't give me a great picture however. I get this guy in my head that's pissed drunk and falling all over the place. Depends on the set up of the scene... and if he really is pissed drunk... lol. Leave it to me to pick apart an example.

f) Rob, half asleep, drags his ass to the desk and grabs the phone.

g) Blood pours from the head wound. Rob stumbles to the desk and grabs the phone.

It's all in pacing and context. Neither f or g would work if I put a period at desk. It works in e but it reads flat. On it's own I would have to go with... b. Pacing is the key behind any good script. It's gotta fit in the whole scene to know what's right.

Eg.

Rob stumbles to the desk and grabs the phone. Blood runs down his face. His chest. He misses the first try at 911 and has to hang up. He tries again. Holding the desk for support.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
911 Emergency. How may I direct your call?

ROB
I... I was just... robbed... I'm hurt... Blood...

Rob passes out and hits the floor along with the phone.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Sir? Sir, are you there?
(beat)
I'm sending an ambulance. I have 4462 Hampshire as the principle residence. Just hold on... They're coming...

*Edited because I'm a smuck who's too picky*

[universalwriter]

b.

[brookew13]

none of the above - put it in a parenthetical, unless you've got more to say. doing the dialogue, action, dialogue dance is distracting and frustrating to the reader...

[roscoegino]

Since a screenplay is a story told in pictures, D is the best choice in this case.

"Stumbles" and "grabs" are not actions that instantly blend together so I wouldn't write as if they do. The "He" acts as a plausible pause because if someone stumbles it takes a little time to balance and perform the next action.
The comma would work with:
"Rob runs to the desk, grabs phone" because it implies logical momentum.

And stacatto would work with:
Rob stumbles to the desk. Collapses on the floor.

[Revisionist]

Good point, Roscoe... I had problems with the stumble thing from the beginning... It's a single action and not a momentum... Runs, limps, hobbles, shuffles all imply getting to where you're going...

Brilliant work. You get an "A".

[VLBarnhill]

a) Rob stumbles to the desk, grabs at the phone, misses, repeats.

:rollin

Drunkin' bastard.

Disclaimer: "at" is bolded and underlined so that you realize it's a new word in the scheme. As retarded as I am, I would never bold or underline in the script. hehehe

Drunkin' bastard.

[TwoBrad Bradley]

If this was in my script I would have a problem with the two verbs: stumbles (implying slow-ish) and grabs (implying quick-ish).

I would use "a" if:
Rob stumbles to the desk, fumbles for the phone.

I would use "c" if:
Rob races to the desk - grabs the phone.

But I would probably use:
"Rob stumbles to the phone."
because it's not really necessary to detail every single little move.