Halloween Comments - Read the scripts and vote first!

[BottomlessCup]

Pulled Temporarily!

What's the consensus? Comments okay now or wait?

[TDWoj]

Isn't this a bit premature, as voting is open until Friday? It's a good thing I voted before I read your comments, otherwise, I would have been influenced by your comments and not gone with my gut (which was probably wrong, now that I've read your comments, but it's my gut, so it was my honest, uninfluenced preferences).

Ah, well, Just my opinion. FWIW.

[BottomlessCup]

You might be right. If anybody else objects, I'll delete the text till Friday. I tried to avoid that with the thread title, which hopefully people will heed.

I just wanted to get my thoughts out while they're fresh in my mind. :o

[TDWoj]

Sorry if I sounded peeved. I'm still feeling a bit flu-ish. :p

[BottomlessCup]

No problem, TD. I just figured it'd be okay, since in the "End of Summer" contest, comments started before the contest deadline even.

I'm just impatient and bored. :)

[BottomlessCup]

No replies after 6+ hours? 250 posts in an hour and a half in the umpteenth "Bush XXXXXX" thread and nothing here? Dammit, why doesn't anybody care about this contest??? I think I'm gonna post my comments just to raise hell down here. That or I'm gonna do whatever Derek and/or ComicBent say. GRRRRR....

[habronic]

just post them.

the competition's just for fun, no one really wins anything, and most people would've made up their minds as to what they liked.

unless you plan on saying bad stuff about mine, in which case i'll cry like a little schoolgirl.

[BottomlessCup]

Alright. Here goes. I tried to say good and bad things about every entry, so cry away, habronic. ;)


READ THE SCRIPTS AND VOTE FIRST!!!!!!! SPOILERS!!!!!!VOTE FIRST, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!





SERIOUSLY! VOTE FIRST!!












Spoilers!!!! (Duh.)

I was really impressed by these. It was extremely hard to choose just three. I've spent enough time doing peer review to know these are all way above average. Good job, DDers!

In the name of maintaining anonymity, I critiqued my own as well. (and for the record, my negative comments on it are way off base. :P )



What the Cat Dragged in - Some good creepy moments in this one. Largely well-written, visual and evocative. The Cat Lady rocking with her cats while the dying cat howled is 'A' stuff.

The script had two problems for me: The plot/story was pretty straight-line. I could see where it was going from the start. I would've liked more of a surprise in there. Secondly, format-wise, the action lines were really dense. Granted, there was a strict page limit, but it felt jammed to me. Had it been more spread out, it would've read much more smoothly.


Xtra Time - Cool concept that could definitely be expanded. After reading this, I'm surprised that it hasn't been done before (as far as I know) - high school kids bringing back a dead friend. Some sharp dialogue (loved "I'm not getting a c-confidence vibe here.") The 'punch' of him taking off was good, but I would've milked it more, maybe have him tackle Kylie - she's thinking love, he's thinking football.

My only real problem with this one was that I felt the banter went a bit long. In a script this short, I think the time could've been used better, especially by explaining how that motley crew got together.


The Shortcut - Very cleanly written. A neat take on the "cutting through the cemetery" format.

The ending disappointed me a bit, though. Answered the script's questions with dialogue. I thought it could've been handled more visually. Also, the POV's seemed superfluous, but that's a personal format preference.


Demon Squad - Very cool stuff. Funny, fast-paced, thoroughly clever. The elevator bit was gold.

Nothing bad to say here, really. Fine work.


The Lesser of Two Evils Liked this one a lot. Cool concept, relentlessly charming and funny. Had a Disney feel for some reason (that's a compliment in this case.)

One tiny, tiny quibble: Why didn't the Beast #1 and Beast #2 have names? Given the size of their roles, it seemed an odd choice not to name them. Still, great job.


The Siren - Excellent mood, very creative concept. Creepy and... sumptuous somehow. The climax sequence was great stuff.

The use of sluglines was a problem for me. I think one page had like eight. While it may have been technically succinct, it made the read awkward for me. I would have preferred some simplification. There was a bit of "telling, not showing" with regard to Montclair's emotions. Other than that, solid.


Off Night - Funny stuff and a reasonably fresh (if a bit South Park-y) concept. Some great lines. Cleanly written, save for a typo or two.

The problem I saw in this one was that it felt crammed. Tried to do too much. Given the short length, I thought the Taxi sequence was superfluous and not worth it for the bible gag. Good stuff, though. Made me laugh.


Preta - So much to like in this one. Very crafty, spotlessly written. Creative concept well handled. It felt like there was something real behind Carol and Roy, which is impressive given the short length. This could definitely be expanded to feature length.

It got a bit exposition-y in the middle for a while, but I'm willing to forgive it, since it was well handled and still pretty interesting. Good job.


Bed, Bath, and Beyond - Great job on mood - there's an aching sadness hovering over the script, which is just right for this story. Pretty solid dialogue, some great lines ("There's nothing more optimistic than a waffle iron" - awesome).

There were a couple problems for me here. Format-wise, it was mostly clean, but where were the descriptions of the characters? The bigger problem for me was that it was mostly backstory. We didn't see much actually happen. It kinda felt like you were trying to tell us a bigger story in seven pages, so you summed it up with a big expo scene and two flashbacks, then gave us the resolution. It sounds like a good story, though, I'd like to see the big version.


Trash Night Sharp, funny script. I really liked the writing and feel like I'd enjoy reading more by the author. Cool concept, nice twist.

The only (small) hiccup for me - I thought the reveal was handled too quickly and a bit perfunctorily. You got there creatively, then just dropped the reveal on us. the rest was so clever, I wanted more in the scene with the brother. Great job, though.


The Looking Glass - Another great little script. Clever concept, solid writing, and the best twist of the lot. Visually strong and pretty action-packed for a short.

The bugging part in the beginning seemed a little over-the-top. I suppose it's justified by his further paranoia, but it seemed contrived at the time. The arrest was a bit antic-climactic after the first chase. I wanted more action there - or something. Very nice short, though.



Again, good job! Everybody should be proud.

[habronic]

i have no idea which ones you voted for, and you didn't say much bad about mine, so i don't need to cry! :)

once the voting stops i'll clarify what i was trying to do and people can tell me whether it was successful.

either way, good reviews. ;)

[BetterThanNormal]

BC

Do you read/review professionally?

BTN

[dpaterso]

Damn your perfectly reasonable comments! Damn them to Hell!

-Derek
My wittle web page - hack stories, failed novels, dud screenplays, terminal writer's block. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)
The fool, the meddling idiot. As though his ape's brain could contain the secrets of the Krell.

[BottomlessCup]

BTN -- Nope. Just makin' stuff up. So nobody let anything depress and/or elate you too much. ;)

[habronic]

BTN -- Nope. Just makin' stuff up. So nobody let anything depress and/or elate you too much. ;)

geez, if i'd known you were just making it up... ;)

i think everyone just makes it up, the trick is sounding like you know what you're talking about.

[BottomlessCup]

Damn your perfectly reasonable comments! Damn them to Hell!

And where are your perfectly reasonable comments, Mr. Paterson? Obviously, I only posted this in the hopes of reading nice things about my own script. Enough with that Nano crap! Comments!

i think everyone just makes it up, the trick is sounding like you know what you're talking about.

Indeed, sir. That's why I always try to slide the word 'perfunctorily' in there somewhere. I have no idea what it means, but I figure I got a 50/50 chance the other guy doesn't either and will be intimidated. :cool:

[habronic]

Indeed, sir. That's why I always try to slide the word 'perfunctorily' in there somewhere. I have no idea what it means, but I figure I got a 50/50 chance the other guy doesn't either and will be intimidated. :cool:

i know, i had to look it up :\

[BottomlessCup]

:o Well, that joke back-fired. If it's any consolation, before I made that post, I looked it up to make sure it's a real word.

[habronic]

:o Well, that joke back-fired. If it's any consolation, before I made that post, I looked it up to make sure it's a real word.

i knew it was a joke. =)

but i did look it up because i thought it was spelt perfunctory. but it's spelt both ways :)

[dpaterso]

OK, I only had the last two to read and comment on, so here goes nuthin'. My humble opinion, etc. Take the following comments with a pinch of salt, if you take 'em at all.

1. What the cat dragged in. Reads better second time around, has a real creepy vibe that captures how a lot of people feel about cats. Spooky ending.

2. Extra Time. Too intentionally cutesey for my tastes. Author needs to read some horror scripts to better understand the genre. And things like this just can't happen anyway.

3. The Shortcut. Not bad, tho' truthfully I wanted to see Billy's grandfather's story instead of just a passing "how it all began" reference.

4. Demon Squad. Horror or comedy? In this case it's an uneasy alliance of the two. Dialogue tries to be too cool and as a result it's painful. Horror movie creatures? Puh-leeze.

5. Lesser Of Two Evils. Cute, with an undeniably British humour vibe and a nice ending.

6. Trick Or Treat. Could'a been something, but the excitement's all over and done by Page 5.

7. The Siren. Feels as if it's a rip-off of something much better and more clever from the Hammer Horror era. How much would it cost to build a full-size castle? Author just isn't thinking straight.

8. Off Night. Personal tastes decides these things, but I found this to be kinda unfunny, so sorry.

9. Preta. Very nice, the little girl and the Chinese legend stuff were used to good effect, but the last page and a bit disappointed, I felt the skinheads were an intrusion rather than integral to the story, maybe the Old Chinese Woman or the Buddhist Priest, or both, ought to have made a guest appearance here?

10. Bed, Bath and Beyond. Not sure about this one, it's got the right people and the right buildup but I didn't get a Halloween or Horror vibe (which other entries had). Maybe it's the Fortune Teller who isn't spooky enough, or maybe it's just that I'm perfectly OK with Manning shooting Gary, I'm not dreading this or imagining myself in Gary's place, I'm urging Manning on, yeah go ahead, blow the mofu away, I'd want to do the same if he talked to me like this.

11. Trash Night. The size of this damn file! And the time it took me to download it! I was biased before I read a single word. It ends up a heartwarming family tale but started off kinda weird, with Ed as Mr. Grumps About Everything, not just Halloween. Maybe more focus on the event, and a logical reason why he's so against it, might not go amiss (did I blink and miss this?). But a fun read.

12. The Looking Glass. The size of this damn file! And the time it took me to download it! I was biased before I read a single word. Has a definite menace vibe, and an unsettling mix of uncertainty over what's real and what's fantasy. Funny ending.

-Derek
My wittle web page - hack stories, failed novels, dud screenplays, terminal writer's block. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)
The fool, the meddling idiot. As though his ape's brain could contain the secrets of the Krell.

[BottomlessCup]

Hmph.

Well, who cares what the Scots think anyway? :p

Thanks for posting 'em, Dpat.


Anybody else?

[TDWoj]

I'll post my comments tomorrow. Right now, after a week of being flu-ish, I have actual work for money to do and must get done before tomorrow morning.

I might actually be able to eat this week. Wowsers!

[BetterThanNormal]

BTN -- Nope. Just makin' stuff up. So nobody let anything depress and/or elate you too much.

Hey it's all good. I've learned to take something constructive from every bit o' feedback I get.

BTN

[dpaterso]

Well, who cares what the Scots think anyway?

That kinda narrows things down as to which entry was yours. :)

-Derek
My wittle web page - hack stories, failed novels, dud screenplays, terminal writer's block. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)
The fool, the meddling idiot. As though his ape's brain could contain the secrets of the Krell.

[voxel]

I dug up the printouts and typed in my INITIAL thoughts that I wrote on the first page of the script. I scribbled comments in the scripts themselves, but that's just too much effort to type all those in! :-)

From these comments, you can't really tell how I voted. Scripts I loved, but thought the Halloween aspect didn't play out were scratched off.

Kudo to everybody and ComicBent and DPaterson for organizing the contest! Unfortunately I ran out of time and didn't submit one myself. Now I am in NaNoWriMo hell...

The shortcut
- Ewwww
- Transistion from normal world to scary world is abrupt
- What about the girl? Unresolved.
- Gory but fun
- Dad is great

Extra Time
- Fantastic dialogue (snarky - even though a little stereotypical)
- Great characters
- Awesome plot
- A little crass, could have been more subtle
- Cliche, but fun
- A little talky
- Halloween oriented!

Looking Glass
- Psychological, creepy, overall awesome!

Trash Night
- Good writing and good use of strong verbs
- Good setup
- Bad ending (trite) - feels forced and explainy

Preta
- Very confusing, so subjectively I didn't like.
- Loved the concept, but as a short it's too narratively compressed.

Bed, Bath and Beyond
- No dramatic tension (it tried)
- Manning is alien to reader and other characters
- Very creepy though, but would work better in a longer form with more setup

Off Night
- Great characters
- Funny satire!
- A little to punny (jokewise)
- Great plot
- Great ending
- One instance of summarization that could be fixed (the pushing match)

Demon Squad
- Cheesy
- Great twist
- Didn't see it as black comedy initially (not sure if this is a bad thing - could have been set up better)

The Siren
- Suspenseful
- Mysterious
- Visual
- Halloween related? (Didn't vote for it because of this)
- Creepy
- Well-written
- Some action and description problems/issues early one, especially with all the scene changes.

The lesser of two evils
- Great setup
- Funny
- Could be a kid's story
- Characters are wild, snarky and fun
- Dialogue is fantastic (for the target audience and characters)
- Great plot, albeit a bit predictable. For the genre I don't think this is a problem.

[Fortean]

Thanks for the comments and those who participated in this little contest, (and especially to Comicbent and Derek, for their efforts). There were simply too few of us, but I'm glad to see some writers practicing their skills before their peers.

I'd like to explain a bit about my lone entry, "Prêta," which Voxel said was "very confusing," and which Derek considered a "Chinese legend."

About a year ago, I came across an item up for auction at eBay: a locket that still had a lock of hair, a photograph of a small boy, and one of his teeth. It was a piece of "mourning jewelry (http://jarrett.fabpage.com/mourning.htm)." Probably his mother kept these mementos of her dead son.

The Tibetans keep religious objects, (prayers, charms, pictures of deities, etc.), in a "ghau," (an oversized pendant), which is a portable shrine. If you'll consult the Tibetan "Book of the Dead," (the Bardo Thodol (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bardo_Thodol)), you'd discover that the soul of a dead person lingers a while among the living before going on to their next karma, (which, if you're exceptionally good, is nirvana, or reborn in human form for another try, or as an animal if you're not so good, or to Hell, if you're bad). Another possibility is becoming a "prêta," (a hungry, insatiable ghost), trapped in a limbo. Thus, it's not so much a Chinese legend as it is a Buddhist belief, going back to the Bonpo shamans of Tibet.

The story follows the "prêta" back to her mother's tomb but turns upon its antagonist, Ray, when he fails to return the "ghau." What better fate for a tomb robber than to be locked up in the mausoleum of one of his victims, on the night when Lord Yama opens the gates of Hell and would reunite a mother and daughter in a game of catch-the-ball? The Buddhist belief is that the dead can be deluded by what they see, (illusions of demons, gods, etc., which are only products of their own minds), often making the wrong choices: the prêta playing ball with Carol, and Ray left in a bad situation with a bouncing ball.

The supernatural elements are confined to an image in a mirror, death apparitions, and a playful poltergeist, (and, perhaps, a "hungry" ghost without a tooth, not a typical vampire character). These elements could be readily filmed without expensive special effects: an edit for the Chinese Girl's face in the mirror, a dissolve for the fading away of the death apparitions, and reversing the film, (ie. running it backwards), to have a ball fly out from under furniture or bounce off walls back to the characters. If the POV of being clobbered is Ray's, and "cut to black," the camera can be the stuntman, with a shield to stop the shovel from damaging it. The only set that may need to be constructed would be the door and interior of the mausoleum. Twelve pages did restrict my telling of the Chinese mother's actions, which may be better told by V.O narration over a fast-paced series of shots, (and, maybe, an identification of the Old Chinese Woman, as a household servant). Having taken photos in some Vermont cemeteries, this past July, I've seen grave markers that were toppled by vandals; thus, I'd not think my use of a skinhead, as a dispenser of punishment, (and future victim), is an unwarranted intrusion. These twelve pages were expanded from some notes and four rough draft pages, (begun a year ago).

Oh, yes, the Da Zhuan characters (http://english.bjta.gov.cn/culture/culture/calligraphy.asp), (used in ancient Chinese seal writing), are a bit of research that I learned, in order to identify the inscriptions on Chinese porcelain seals found in Ireland, since the 18th century, (which I managed to identify as originating from Te Hua, in Fujian province). I've interpreted the inscriptions of similar seals for the National Museum in Dublin, the Ulster Museum in Belfast, the Ashmolean Museum at Oxford, the British Museum in London, the Oriental Museum at Durham, and at Alnwick Castle, in Northumberland.
Agreement among archæologists that there were no relations, in the remote past, between China and Ireland; That no other objects, from ancient China— virtually, I suppose— have ever been found in Ireland;

The great distances at which these seals have been found apart.

After Mr. Smith's investigations— if he did investigate, or do more than record— many more Chinese seals were found in Ireland, and, with one exception, only in Ireland. In 1852, about 60 had been found. Of all archæologic finds in Ireland, "none are enveloped in greater mystery." (Chambers' Journal, 16-364.) According to the writer in Chambers' Journal, one of these seals was found in a curiosity shop in London. When questioned, the shopkeeper said that it had come from Ireland.

In this instance, if you don't take instinctively to our expression, there is no orthodox explanation for your preference. It is the astonishing scattering of them, over field and forest, that has hushed the explainers. In the Proceedings of the Royal Irish Academy, 10-171, Dr. Frazer says that they "appear to have been sown broadcast over the country in some strange way that I cannot offer solution of." ~ Fort's The Book of the Damned, ch. 11 (http://www.resologist.net/damn11.htm)I'll see if I cannot take a photograph of my own "dragon ghau" and post a link to it. Meanwhile, here's a link to some other images of Tibetan ghaus (http://www.tiger-tiger.com/gau.html).

[dpaterso]

voxel, appreciate the comments, so noted and added to the script files. If I ever find a use for these short scripts, I'll give 'em a good working over first.

Always interesting, Fortean. A little s-scary too, but always interesting.

Even as I typed "Chinese legend" I knew they were the wrong words, but hoped I'd at least caught the gist of the mood and feel that you were aiming for.

And maybe you have a point about cemetery vandals but I'll stick with my intrusive skinheads comment. Even tho' I may be wrong. :) Use the Force to guide you.

-Derek
My wittle web page - hack stories, failed novels, dud screenplays, terminal writer's block. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)
The fool, the meddling idiot. As though his ape's brain could contain the secrets of the Krell.

[dgrunert]

I just wanted to thank Comic and Dpat for running this thing and for everyone who took the time to read the scripts! It was a lot of fun!