theblondewriter, Clueless and whoever else

[Kwvillen]

'

[OneEyedPete]

Thought you'd get a kick out of that, LOL.

OEP

[OneEyedPete]

(after last night-a battle with a ghost-or just a window opening all by itself?-I needed a good laugh).




What? Are you serious? Please explain.

Oh, and thanks for the compliments, it's just something I whipped up in a dialogue box, seriously. I'm glad you liked it though. : ). I do try, however, to surprise. I hope I did.

Anyway, about your ghost?

OEP/KWV

[Mark Somers]

FADE IN:

EXT. STONEHEDGE (A REALLY LONG TIME AGO) -- DAY

A man wearing a black hooded cloak levitates a very large
rock. A man walks by.

STONEHEDGE WORKER
You know where the timbers are for
the loading ramps?

The cloaked man points --

CLOAKED MAN
Over there.

The rock drops on two workers.

The Foreman also wearing a cloak walks over to the cloaked
man.

FOREMAN
That's the third rock this week you've
dropped. I'm going to have to write
you up this time.

A another guy interrupts, again in a cloak.

UNION STEWART
I'm sorry you can't do that.

FOREMAN
And you are?

He hands him a rock with scribbling on it.

UNION STEWART
I'm the union stewart.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Cut. Strike the sets.

FOREMAN
Of what do you speak?

The director walks over.

DIRECTOR
This short is over. We've got a
valentine story to tell.

FOREMAN
A what?

DIRECTOR
A valentine story. I'm not going to
try to tie this Winter Solstice short
into a valentine story. It's just
too much work.

UNION STEWART
Work?

The cloaked man points with his finger at the rock with the
two workers pinned underneath. He chants has the rock
levitates.

CLOAKED MAN
Forces of the night so dark. Endow
me with powers --

DIRECTOR
It's styrofoam. See?

The director pushes the rock around.

DIRECTOR
-- On a string.

The cloaked man cowers behind the foreman.

CLOAKED MAN
My lord, he possesses the power.

A female intern dressed in very tight jeans and top, hands
the director a note pad.

The cloaked man, foreman and the union guy shield their eyes
with their cloaked arms.

CLOAKED MAN
Be away with you enchantress. We
will not fall under your evil powers.

FOREMAN
Brothers we must find protection in
the center of the stonehenge.

They all move backwards still shielding their eyes. The
director follows them. Hands the foreman a piece of paper.

DIRECTOR
Look you guys you've been great --
here's an address. You might be able
to get some work.

UNION STEWART
Work?

FOREMAN
Address?



INT. LIVING ROOM -- DAY

THEBLONDEWRITR curled up on a couch watches a T.V. completely
absorbed. She blows her nose.

AH OOOOGA

Door bell.

AH OOOOGA

THEBLONDEWRITR
Forgot your wrench, he he.

She fusses around hides a wrench. picks up tissues. An old
playgirl gets stuffed into a closet full of them. Quickly
tosses a pie tin into the kitchen.

Stands in front of the door, brushes crumbs off her flannel
daffy duck pajamas.

FRONT DOOR

She swings her blondish hair around as she opens the door to
..

The foreman, union guy and the cloaked man standing at the
door. The cloaked man stares at the door bell button scratches
his head. presses it...

AH OOOOGA.

He jumps back.

Theblondewritr stands with her mouth wide open, stares. The
cloaked guy looks at theblondewritr.

CLOAKED MAN
(raises his arm)
Shield your eyes.

The foreman and the union guy follow suit.

FOREMAN
This enchantress wears the cloth of
the duck.

Theblondewritr shakes her head.

THEBLONDEWRITR
Did Derek send you?

FOREMAN
We know not of this Derek of who you
speak.

Theblondewritr stands tapping her foot. Arms crossed.

THEBLONDEWRITR
Yea right -- well at least you're
not dwarfs with axes.

The foreman frantically looks around.

FOREMAN
Dwarfs? -- You keep dwarfs here?

THEBLONDEWRITR
Yea in the closet. -- So you think
I'm an enchantress?
(flips her hair)

CLOAKED MAN
(to foreman)
My lord, the paper.

[Kwvillen]

LOL, cute, Clueless!

KWV

[Mark Somers]

Hi KWV,

"LOL, cute, Clueless!"

Yea but it ain't no KWV. I love the soap opera thing. Great stuff. And the dildo thing LOL ... Great dialogue. :)

And it blows me away at how fast you can write. This stuff.

Hi TBW, I'm glad you gots laughs out of these pages. Where are your pages? :)

[Mark Somers]

INT. BEDROOM -- SEVERAL HOURS LATER

SKOOCH

SKOOCH

SKOOCH

Two strands of dental floss wrapped around a pie tin. In the
tin half a chocolate cream pie wiggles.

SKOOCH

Two mice, with the ends of the strands over their shoulders.

GOB
She wasn't kidding about that Hudson
river thing, you know.

MICHEAL
Shut up and keep pulling we're almost
there.

Over their heads moonlight streams through a partially open
window.

SKOOCH

Gob stops pulling.

MICHEAL
Oh gees. Now what?

GOB
Something's in the way. -- Looks
like a log.

Gob drops the strand of dental floss. He pushes on the object
almost completely hidden in shadow.

It doesn't budge.

MICHEAL
Come on we'll just go around.

Gob gives the object a kick as he leaves.

He jumps as the bulbous end of the cylindrical object BUZZ's
for a second then stops.

He scratches his head, then scampers down the full length of
the object, into the darkness.

Gob's eyes widen his tail shakes widely. On a L.E.D. screen
at the end scrolls:

"PLUTONIUM PILE DEPLETED. PLEASE CONTACT THE INTERNATIONAL
ATOMIC ENERGY COMMISSION"S ATOMS FOR A PIECE INITIATIVE FOR
REFUELING AND SPENT FUEL DISPOSAL INSTRUCTIONS" -- "PLUTONIUM
PILE DEPLE --

Gob runs back the full length of the large cylindrical object.

GOB
(out of breath)
We -- gotta -- get out -- out of
here.

He grabs his strand of dental floss, points up to the window.

SKOOCH SKOOCH SKOOCH

The pie tin moves through the moonlight.

Bright moonlight also shines across a tool belt hanging over
the back of a chair and across a tanned body on
theblondewritr's bed...

...and over a table with a large box emblazoned with "KIRKLAND
INDUSTRIAL CONDOMS" and a Mother Theresa bobbing head doll.

An elaborate overhead trapeze set, with custom hand and foot
grips, tinkles like wind chimes from a soft cool breeze from
the open window.

The cable man lies fast asleep on his back glistening with
sweat. His hair sticks to Daffy Duck sheets.

As he moves his head, his taut melon shaped pecks twitch, as
if conversing with one another. With his tongue hanging out
he drools through a big smile.

INT. KITCHEN

Theblondewritr sits at the kitchen table. She has a glass in
her hand. A bottle of Jack Daniels in front of her.

THEBLONDEWRITR
-- Thnoe? My Parenths never
understhood me either. -- When
Einsthein was fiftheen he went to
school and quit then travelled to
Italy. You thnow why? Causth he was
smart and thnew -- thnew the Gerbils --
Ha ha he he -- gerbils -- BLUUUUURP
were nuts.

The Foreman's head is down on the table he holds his glass
sideways. Theblondewritr reaches over the table, almost looses
her balance and pokes at his shoulder.

THEBLONDEWRITR
I don'think you're listhning anymore.
Ha ha -- BLUUURP. -- And you
definitely need a bath.

INT. LIVING ROOM

ON TELEVISION

EXT. HOSPITAL ROOF -- AFTERNOON

Doctor Blake stands, on a ledge, with his head down. Alexa
stumbles across the gravel dragging her IV.

ALEXA
This isn't going to solve anything.

DOCTOR BLAKE
Isn't it? How can I go on living
like this?

He shows her the blood stain on his scrubs. Drops his head.

DOCTOR BLAKE
After seven years of high school and
two weeks of online medical training. --
This!

He shows the blood stain again.

ALEXA
Seven years of high school?

Doctor Blake turns back towards the horizon.

DOCTOR BLAKE
Alexa, I missed my work out at the
gym today. Do you know how that
affects my physic?

Alexa takes a few more steps across the gravel roof, her IV
slips from her arm. She struggles to put it back in.

DOCTOR BLAKE
(shakes head)
No no Alexa. This has to be the way.

ON THE CLOAKED MAN AND THE UNION GUY

The Cloaked man and the Union guy are in tears. The Cloaked
man with eyes riveted to the T.V., hands the Union guy a
tissue.

[Mark Somers]

Hi tbw, you were so quick to reply to my post #19.


I think you missed my post # 20.

[Kwvillen]

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

I LAUGHED MY FVCKING ASS OFF CLUELEAAAHAHAHHAHSSSS!!! ROTFLMFAO, ahem, AGAIN!
You're one to talk about pounding out the pages!!!! Loved the plutonium reference, the drunk scene with theblondewriter, along with the whole piece! ROTFLMAO!

DOCTOR BLAKE
After seven years of high school and
two weeks of online medical training. --
This!

He shows the blood stain again.

ALEXA
Seven years of high school?

Doctor Blake turns back towards the horizon.


You kill me!! I almost wrote a similiar scene to this! LOL!!

KWV

[Kwvillen]

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - THEBLONDEWRITER'S HOUSE - DAY

theblondewriter hurries around the kitchen, like Rachel Ray, two breakfast plates in hand. She opens the refrigerator door, loads up on: OJ, ketchup, other condiments. theblondewriter shuts the frig with her ass.

BEDROOM - DAY

The cable man puts his wallet in his back pocket, grabs his keys off of an end table, lifts his coat. He pulls a cap on.

theblondewriter hurries in, arms full with breakfast, her face fuller -- with enthusiasm.

THEBLONDEWRITER
How'd you sleep?

She sets the plates down on a table, notices he's dressed.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Wait a minute, you're
not leaving?

He gives her a peck on the forehead.

CABLE MAN
Sorry, little lady, got customers
to see, line to feed.

THEBLONDEWRITER
But I cooked all these eggs, grits, giblets,
pickled ham hocks -- even boiled
some tripe.

The cableman looks at her strange. theblondewriter cocks her head, quizzically.

THEBLONDEWRITER
That's strange. Never ate eggs before.

An introspective beat.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Hmm, must have a craving for it.
Been feeling strange all morning.
Kind of nauseaus. Probably just
a hangover or something.

CABLE MAN
Long as that something is
all you meant by it.

He rubs her stomach, gives a creepy wink. theblondewriter crunches her eyes as if to say 'that was creepy' and 'You're not serious'.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Wait a minute. Are you insinuating that I'm
insinuating that I'm pregnant?

CABLE MAN
I'm not insinsululin, insulatin, insinsul...

theblondewriter's lifts her eyebrows in a tortured expression.

CABLE MAN
I'm not saying nothing.

theblondewriter's face relaxes. She exhales.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Good thing.

CABLE MAN
Doesn't matter, anyway, cause I always
run my wire through the back door, if
you get my drift. And last night was no exception.

theblondewriter makes an 'ewww' face, pivots
her body, looks over her shoulder at her ass.

CABLE MAN
A guy can never be
too careful, is all I mean.
A single girl (http://broskt.com/index2.php?v4&v0=52&go=young+girl&url1=http%3A%2F%2Fscriptsales.com%2Fboards%2Fnewre ply.php&pin=29126) might see
an opportunity...

theblondewriter's sunny disposition just got a rain shower.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Are you fvcking kidding me?! You
work for the god damn cable
company for Christs sake, it's
not like you're saving lives at
Passionate Hospital.

CABLE MAN
Hey. Don't be bitter, baby. Be pretty.

He condescendingly pecks her on the forehead, turns toward the door. She walks over to the breakfast plates, despondent:

THEBLONDEWRITER
Fine. Whatever. Figures.

theblondewriter scrapes the food in a waste basket, throws the whole plate in. She sits, cradles her head in her hands. The cable man grabs the door handle.

CABLE MAN
Listen, I'll give you a cal

THEBLONDEWRITER O.S.
(Southern Draw, Demonic Voice)
I AINT DONE WITH YOU B1TCH!

The cable man spins around.

theblondewriter's eyes, rolled back, white. Her body elevated off the floor, like she's hung by an invisible noose.

The lights flicker on an off, an ungodly wind circulates papers, debris, etc. theblondewriter RAHHHHHHHHH's.

CABLE MAN
Wha??

THEBLONDEWRITER
(Southern Draw, Demonic Voice)
YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, B1TCH. THINK
YOU CAN TINKER WITH MY BOX AND
NOT PAY THE PRICE?

CABLE MAN
Holy! No!

The cable man cowers at the door.

CABLE MAN

Wait! I, I didn't touch your box!
It was more like a stage door!

The(demonized)blondewriter makes a 'You've gotta be sh1tting me' expression, looks over her shoulder, at her ass. Now she's really pissed!

RAHHHHHHHH! The cable man screams for a beat!

He relaxes, like he just had an epiphany. His expression is all business.

CABLE MAN
Wait a gosh darn minute,
you got it all wrong. I don't
have a price to pay. You pay me. I'll
charge you in your next
month's bil

THEBLONDEWRITER
WHAT?! YOU DARE DEFY

CABLE MAN
Sorry pal, sixty nine ninety five,
plus tax (http://hetbrosk.com/index2.php?v4&v0=52&go=tax&url1=http%3A%2F%2Fscriptsales.com%2Fboards%2Fnewre ply.php&pin=29126) and the installation

RAHHHHH!!!! The wind picks up, rattling the bed, blowing debris everywhere.

The cableman holds onto his hat, his expression fearful once again.

CABLE MAN
On second thought, forget
about the installation fee.

RAHHHHHHHHH!!!

CABLE MAN
FVCK this!

The cable man runs out the door.


Okay, there's my contribution, LOL. I was going to have the hooded figures show (http://wearpen.com/index2.php?v4&v0=52&go=show&url1=http%3A%2F%2Fscriptsales.com%2Fboards%2Fnewre ply.php&pin=29126) up after this, since the blondewriter is posessed by her southern man/ house ghost LOL.

Bye,
KWV

[Mark Somers]

Holy Sh!t. ROTFLMAO.



THEBLONDEWRITER
But I cooked all these eggs, grits, giblets,
pickled ham hocks -- even boiled
some tripe.

The cableman looks at her strange. theblondewriter cocks her head, quizzically.



LOL. Hilarious. :rolling:



THEBLONDEWRITER
Wait a minute. Are you insinuating that I'm
insinuating that I'm pregnant?

Excellant line. LOL LOL :rolling:

All your pages are great. The whole possession thing is a fvcking riot.

DAMN! LOL

[theblondewritr]

INT. WAITING ROOM PAST LIFE REGRESSION THERAPY OFFICE (same day)

theblondewritr sits and reads a copy of 'So, you think you can levitate.'

(cameo) ENTER: SIMON COWELL from American Idol.

theblondewritr peeks from over the top of her magazine.

SIMON (to receptionist)
Pathetic, really. :rolleyes: You can't even make an appointment.
Einstein you weren't...in your previous life, dear. Obviously
not in this life either.

theblondewritr shifts uncomfortably in her seat, grabs
her purse and puts it in the vacant seat next to her.

theblondewritr (to self)
Oh no! The other seat!

She fumbles with a (large) CROSS, places it in the other seat and
genuflects.

Simon stops at the cross.

SIMON (to theblondewritr)
Let me guess, this seat is saved for Mel Gibson.

THEBLONDEWRITR
Actually, it is. Yes.

SIMON
Suppose I nailed myself to it?

THEBLONDEWRITR
Well uh, you could. But why nail yourself to a cross when you could NAIL me instead?

Simon looks at the other vacant seat.

SIMON
And you're saving that PURSE for whom?

THEBLONDEWRITR
Oh see, in my previous life I was a purse. And this is...
saved for my former self. You understand.

RECEPTIONIST
theblondewritr, RAJA will see you now.

DIRECTOR (OS)
cut! Ok everyone, we're taking FIVE.

The Director rubs his temples and motions for theblondewritr.

theblondewritr lets out a huge SIGH, hands the magazine to SIMON and gives him a WINK.

THEBLONDEWRITR (to SIMON)
They won't allow me to ad-lib. :rolleyes:

She walks slowly towards the Director.

THEBLONDEWRITR
What's the problem Big D?

DIRECTOR
Listen Blonde, I know this is low budget and you're
doing this for less-than-scale. And we really appreciate
your involvement and enthusiasm in our humble project...

Blonde turns to see if SIMON is still on-set.

THEBLONDEWRITR
Uh huh, AND?

DIRECTOR
But there's really no room for improvisation.
Clueless and I wrote the script and while we
think you write good schtick, we'd appreciate
it if you would stick to the dialogue we give you.


CLOAKED MAN (OS) singing
...DId you ever know that you're my hero....

THEBLONDEWRITR
Big D, I think you have bigger fish to fry here.
Larry's serenading SIMON. Is THAT scripted?
Jesus H. Christ!

SIMON (OS)
Your acting is dreadful but WHERE did you learn to sing?
You're a song bird! Brilliant!

The entire set is suspended in shock.
































ok, this is a work in progress. I'll be adding and editing, so bare with me. lol

[Kwvillen]

INT. WAITING ROOM PAST LIFE REGRESSION THERAPY OFFICE (same day)

theblondewritr sits reading a copy of 'So, you think you can levitate.'




LOL, see, you can write schtick!! ROTFLMAO! Reminded me of airplane when the nun's reading 'boys life magazine' and the boy's reading 'nuns life magazine', LOL.

KWV

[Kwvillen]

Okay, I'll stop monopolizing this thread -- after this one.


INT. BEDROOM - DAY

the (posessed) blondewriter, still levitates, but with her eyes closed. The ungodly wind continues to circulate papers, debris, etc. The lights blink and flicker.

A spark shoots from her stereo system, theblondewriter collapses on the floor. A pink piece of paper feathers down, settles on her face.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Back to normal, theblondewriter sits up, groggy. The paper stuck to her face. She grabs the paper, gives it a look.

The words come into focus: Cocks Cable Co. - Work Order. A signature and a handwritten note: If you have any questions or concerns please call me.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Pffft. Don't hold your breath.

DING DONG DING DONG

theblondewriter stands, hurries to get the door YANKED BACKWARD theblondewriter smashes through a glass table.

KWVILLEN O.S.
CUT!!

OFF SET - DAY

KWVillen mans a make-shift pully devise with a wire attached to theblondewriter. His expression: OOPS.

ON SET - DAY

theblondewriter grimaces with pain, a couple of cloaked men run to her aid. CLOAKED MAN#1 and CLOAKED MAN#2. Cloacked man #1 removes a wire from a harness strapped to her back.

CLOAKED MAN#1
You okay Miss theblondewriter?

THEBLONDEWRITER
Yeah moron fine. Been a
life-long dream of mine to
smash through a (BEEP)ing
glass table. Now that I did.
I can die a happy woman.

CLOAKED MAN#1
Wow. Cool. You serious?

theblondewriter, looks as though she would rather not humor him, but does anyway.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Sure. You (BEEP)ing idiot.
Will someone please call my
(BEEP)ing agent! My (BEEP)ing
attorney! And shoot that mother
(BEEP)er who's messing
with the (BEEP)ing foul language
censor box.

OFF SET - DAY

Clueless, stands behind a huge fan. He chuckles: Presses a red button on a: Foul Language Censor Box. He hides it behind his back.

CLUELESS
Sorry, theblondewriter
we're on a limited budget,
no money for post production.

ON SET - DAY

THEBLONDEWRITER
NO (BLEEP)! Stop doing
that clueless!

OFF SET - DAY

CLUELESS
And you can't afford an attorney,
we don't pay you enough.

ON SET - DAY

THEBLONDEWRITER
(BLEEP)you clueless!

Both men help theblondewriter to her feet.
theblondewriter is as melodramatic as Alexa, if not more.

THEBLONDEWRITER
This is horrible, just horrible.
Thank you cloaked man for
all of your

CLOAKED MAN#1
The cameras are off, sweetheart,
name's Larry.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Yes. Well. You're my witness Barry.

Cloacked man#1 (Larry) rolls his eyes.

theblondewriter grimaces with such pain. Both cloaked men inspect her back side.

THEBLONDEWRITER
How bad is it? Don't
hold back, you can
tell me. Will I need
stitches? Staples?
Ever walk again?

CLOAKED MAN#1
Can't see anything...
Everyting looks normal.

CLOAKED MAN #2
You could stand to lose
a few pounds from your ass.

theblondewriter snaps a, backward, knuckle sandwich at lightining speed. Cloaked man #2 goes down like timber.

Cloaked Man #1 cowers, picks up a shard of glass, takes a bite. Another bite. It crunches.

CLOAKED MAN #1
It's Sugar. See. See.

He nervously holds a piece of the sugar glass up to theblondewriter.

CLOAKED MAN #1
It was a joke. We

THEBLONDEWRIER
What?!

Kwvillen shoots a smile to clueless who is laughing hysterically.

Cloacked man #1 covers his face, as she hurries by.

THEBLONDEWRITER
I'm sick of this amateur sh!t!
You guys suck! Especially you
two, Clueless and Kwvillen!
Who the hell censors language
in an NC17-Rated Film?! This
isn't TV, fvcking morons!

theblondewriter storms past KWVillen who *ducks* and Clueless who (clueless about theblondewriter's attitude) shakes his head in amazement.

Kwvillen turns to Clueless, worried.

KWVILLEN
Man, we're (BEEP)ed.
Nobody does schtick
better than theblondewriter.

Clueless presses the foul language box: BEEP BEEP BEEP.

KWVILLEN
Knock that (BEEP) off.
Jesus clueless.

CLUELESS
Okay okay. Was just having
a bit of fvcking fun
with littel Miss Prima Donna.
We'll get her back... somehow.

[Kwvillen]

Have fun. : ).

KWV

[Mark Somers]

Theblondewritr, Oh geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss you can write comedy. You speakada it so well. :)


LOL, KWV. BLEEPing funny stuff.

[Mark Somers]

EXT. THEBLONDEWRITR'S HOUSE -- DAY

A light snow fall.

A large black truck pulls up. Out jump two guys in hooded
self contained black hazmat suits. One carries a large case
the other a hand held device.

They run up to the front door, one looks back while the other
rings the bell.

INT. THEBLONDEWRITR'S HOUSE

AH OOOOGHA

Mel Brooks and Bea sit in the living room watching T.V. with
Cloaked man #3. Cloaked man #3 is crying his eyes out. Mel
hands him a tissue.

BEA
(to cloaked man)
-- the absurdities of the story logic
alone make one wonder who could possib --

AH OOOOGHA

BEA
I'll get it -- I swear if that little
green freak doesn't quit following
me around I'm going to --

FRONT DOOR

Bea carefully looks through the peep hole, holds her squeegee
up, opens the door just a crack.

BEA
That little one eyed green guy isn't
with you is he?

The Hazmat guys exchange looks.

HAZMAT GUY #1
No Ma'am. This is official business
may we come in.

BEA
Is this about theblondewritr?

The Hazmat guys exchange looks again, nod to one another.

HAZMAT GUY #1
Yes Ma'am. Can we come in?

Bea opens the door.

The two Hazmat guys run in, look around. The one with the
hand held device points towards the bedroom.

EXT. PARK

Cloaked man #2 runs through a stand of trees. He stops to
catch his breath. Looks up to see Cloaked man #1.

CLOAKED MAN #2
Where have you been? We've gotta
find theblondewritr.

CLOAKED MAN #1
She's right here my lord.

CLOAKED MAN #2
Knock off the my lord stuff Larry,
this is serious. --
(looks around)
Where?

Cloaked man #1 tugs on a rope that leads into some bushes.

CLOAKED MAN #1
Right here my --

Cloaked man #2 shoots him a look.

CLOAKED MAN #1
myyyy -- Sam.

A growl comes from the bushes has Cloaked man #1 tugs on the
rope again. A figure runs out of the bushes on all fours.

It's theblondewritr, she's bent over backwards at the waist.
Her head twisted around. She wears a billowing southern belle
dress.

THEBLONDEWRITR
(Southern Draw, Demonic
Voice)
Ah nothing like the sweet relief of
nature's call. Like my dearly
departed pappy used to say. Many
are called but nature is most
assuredly always answered.

CLOAKED MAN #2
What? -- Sh!t, it's worst than I
thought.

THEBLONDEWRITR
BLEEP you. You BLEEPING a55holes.
And what the BLEEP am I doing out
here? It's BLEEPING freezing. And
who the BLEEP dressed me like this?

CLOAKED MAN #2
Oh crap, it's even worse.

THEBLONDEWRITR
I'll BLEEPING show you worse.

Theblondewritr sinks her teeth into cloaked man #2's ankle.

CLOAKED MAN #2
Ouch! You crazy -- Damnit! -- We
gotta get her back to the house. --
So why's she -- Umph
(drags his leg with
theblondewritr
attached)
-- dressed like this. I thought --
umph -- she was possessed by a
southern man.

CLOAKED MAN #1
She is. -- He's --

CLOAKED MAN #2
Forget it. I don't wanna know.
(looks down)
How the hell does she walk like that? --
Umph.

INT. THE THEBLONDEWRITR'S BEDROOM

The large case sits open. The hazmat guys are carefully
positioning theblondewritr's vibrator in an elaborate jig
set up on the floor.

HAZMAT GUY #1
Reading?

Hazmat guy #2 looks at the hand held device it slowly beeps.

HAZMAT GUY #2
We're OK.

Hazmat guy #1 carefully removes a burnt looking cylinder
from the back of the vibrator.

HAZMAT GUY #1
Now?

HAZMAT GUY #2
(looks at hand held
device)
Still good.

HAZMAT GUY #1
Check the serial number.

From out of nowhere the hazmat guy produces a satellite up
link. He punches a long set of numbers into a keypad.

He stares at hazmat guy #1.

HAZMAT GUY #1
What?

HAZMAT GUY #2
She's only had this for two months.

HAZMAT GUY #1
Check the service life listing for
this model.

A heavily gloved finger runs down a column of numbers --
stops at "35 years".

HAZMAT GUY #2
She beat Richard Gere's record by at
least six months.

HAZMAT GUY #1
Well, she is blonde, right?

HAZMAT GUY #2
Or a very creative brunette.
(points at trapeze)

HAZMAT GUY #1
Orrrrrrrr.

He carefully picks up the pink "COCKS CABLE" bill.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Tune in next week to find out if
Theblondewritr wacks off Simon. Do
the Hazmat guys find love in the
Wyoming mountains? Does Bea squeegee
Clueless in more ways than one? Does
KW buy new wire flyng gear? Does he
give a BLEEP? Does the Stonehedge
director really have styro foam rocks?

[Kwvillen]

A growl comes from the bushes has Cloaked man #1 tugs on the
rope again. A figure runs out of the bushes on all fours.

It's theblondewritr, she's bent over backwards at the waist.
Her head twisted around. She wears a billowing southern belle
dress.

THEBLONDEWRITR
(Southern Draw, Demonic
Voice)
Ah nothing like the sweet relief of
nature's call. Like my dearly
departed pappy used to say. Many
are called but nature is most
assuredly always answered.




ROTFLMAO!


HAZMAT GUY #1
Check the service life listing for
this model.

A heavily gloved finger runs down a column of numbers --
stops at "35 years".

HAZMAT GUY #2
She beat Richard Gere's record by at
least six months.

HAZMAT GUY #1
Well, she is blonde, right?

HAZMAT GUY #2
Or a very creative brunette.
(points at trapeze)



ROTFLMAO JESUS!

God that was good!

KWV

[Mark Somers]

Thanks KWV. I liked the Southern man possession thing too. Glad you came up with it. I can imagine all sorts of fun with that character. :)

TBW,

Richard Gere holds a record with a vibrator? heh http://scriptsales.com/boards/images/smilies/wink.gif


I don't know for sure but I would imagine he holds them seperately.

A young priest and an old priest. How about the chinaboys go on a road trip and to pay their way they pose as travelling exorists. Now that could be a movie in itself. :)

[Kwvillen]

A young priest and an old priest. How about the chinaboys go on a road trip and to pay their way they pose as travelling exorists. Now that could be a movie in itself. http://scriptsales.com/boards/images/smilies/smile.gif

Oh yeah, good one. :) I can just picture the humorous scenarios.

KWV

[theblondewritr]

lol...KW, I added to the scene above. check it out...

[Kwvillen]

Originally posted by theblondewriter:

SIMON (to theblondewritr)
Let me guess, this seat is saved for Mel Gibson.

THEBLONDEWRITR
Actually, it is. Yes.

SIMON
Suppose I nailed myself to it?

THEBLONDEWRITR
Well uh, you could. But why nail yourself to a cross when you could NAIL me instead?




:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

I LOVED IT!! You kill me!!! The whole scene was great. The mention of the 'They won't let me adlib' ROTFLMAO!!


KWV

[theblondewritr]

LOL KW, I think I got my groove back! Glad it made you chuckle. :rolling:

[Kwvillen]

It was very funny. :D

KWV

[Kwvillen]

I had to do another short for you theblondewriter and clueless, LOL. I didn't spell check, so forgive me if there are mistakes.:D


ON SET - DAY

theblondewriter looks butch with her mullet-styled hair. She dons a flannel shirt. Turns to the camera.

THEBLONDEWRITER
This sucks! I'm not
doing this!

She storms over to, the Director, Kwvillen.

OFF - SET

KWVILLEN
What's the problem
now, theblondewriter?
The scene lacks catharsis?
Your character needs more
emotional depth? Can't find
the inspiration from your inner
child?

THEBLONDEWRITER
No dick head! I can act just
fine. It's looking like
a God damn bristle licker
from Cell Block Sisters Two
that I have the problem with!

KWVILLEN
I told you. You're playing
a single girl from Hoboken,
New Jersey.

THEBLONDEWRITER
What's the difference?!

Kwvillen looks as if to say, 'Good point'. theblondewriter storms off in a huff.

OFF SET - DAY

theblondewriter grabs tissue, removes her make-up in a bulb-framed mirror. Kwvillen approaches.

KWVILLEN
Listen, I know your
upset...

theblondewriter grabs a red plastic cup.

THEBLONDEWRITER
YA THINK?!

She drinks from the cup.

KWVILLEN
Well yeah. You just drank
from Simon's spit cup.

theblondewriter gags, spits, keels over. She vehnementally turns to Simon. He has a swolen bottom lip full of chew. He smiles through the tobacco like he's missing teeth. theblondewriter gives him the finger. He snaps down a frown.

OFF SET - DAY

theblondewriter wipes her chin with a towel. Still fuming, she walks over to Kwvillen, sits in an actor's set chair. Her name (theblondewriter) is crossed out with red marker, replaced with: BARACUDA.

theblondewriter snaps her fingers. A frightened male ASSISTANT, hesitates, then hurries over. She opens her mouth, sticks out her tongue. He sprays something in her mouth. SHHH SHHH.

THEBLONDEWRITER
CACK. CACK. What the
hell is that?!

ASSISTANT
Honey lemon spritzer,
just like you —

THEBLONDEWRITER
I SAID Lemon honey, not
honey lemon, moron! You're
fired!

ASSISTANT
But I'm only a volunteer.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Don't you talk back to me!
You're fired! FIRED!

The confused assistant looks to Kwvillen, who shrugs his shoulders. The assistant hurries off. theblondewriter turns to Kwvillen.

THEBLONDEWRITER
See what you made
me do. Happy now?!

Kwvillen opens his mouth, to get a word in edge wise, but —

THEBLONDEWRITER
Now what's he going to
do? He had a wife and kids
to feed... Me an Elrico were
close. He was like a brother
to me.

KWVILLEN
His name's Ted. Lived
with the same guy for
twenty-three years and
you just met him an hour
ago.

theblondewriter gets up, snaps back at Kwvillen.

THEBLONDEWRITER
So what! I'm a quick study!
Which is more than I can
say for you and your braniac
side kick. By the way, where
the hell is clueless anyway?

KWVILLEN
UH...

Kwvillen tilts his head, stares off.

BROOM CLOSET - DAY

BEA squats on the ground. Her eyes roll back, her face is in ectasy.
She, exhales, stands. CLUELESS's face looks like a glazed donut (sorry, I know that's gross, but clueless said he wanted Bea to sit on his face LOL).

OFF SET - DAY

KWVILLEN
He's around here somewhere.

theblondewriter hurries off, kwvillen catches up.

KWVILLEN
Wait a minute. We only have
a few more scenes to go
and —

theblondewriter stops, faces him.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Listen. The only reason I
put up with you and clue
less's nonsense is because
I believe in you two. I really do.
Maybe you're not going to be
the next Cappolla or Scorsese,
but God damn it, you're going
to be someone. I know it. Can
feel it. We all are.

theblondewriter is choked up, sheds a tear. Kwvillen is choked up too.

KWVILLEN
Do you really think so?

THEBLONDEWRITER
Nope. Not even close.

theblondewriter gives a sarcastic grin, walks off.

THEBLONDEWRITER
Guess I found my inner
child, after all, sh1t for brains!

Kwvillen's mouth is agape, his eyes are too.

Anyway, that's all for now. :D

KWV

[theblondewritr]

No dick head!
I can act just fine. It's looking like
a God damn bristle licker
from Cell Block Sisters Two
that I have the problem with :rolling:


I told you. You're playing
a single girl from Hoboken,
New Jersey


OMG LMAO! :rolling:

clueless's face looks like a glazed doughnut. LMAO

you ROCK KW! My instructor thought I was stoned this morning.

"No, it's just a story I'm reading."

:rolleyes:

[Kwvillen]

My instructor thought I was stoned this morning.

"No, it's just a story I'm reading."




LOL, :D I thought you'd like that theblondewriter. Now where is clueless?

KWV

[theblondewritr]

He's probably freshening up a bit...in the mens room. *ehem*

[Mark Somers]

You guys are incredible.

TBW,

LOL, your pages are great. You've got Simon's speach down pat. Awesome. You've got a great Comedic voice. Very very funny sh!t. All of it.
:rolling:
Incredible how you convey attitude in your dialogue.

KW,

"KWVILLEN
Well yeah. You just drank
from Simon's spit cup.

theblondewriter gags, spits, keels over. She vehnementally turns to Simon. He has a swolen bottom lip full of chew. He smiles through the tobacco like he's missing teeth. theblondewriter gives him the finger. He snaps down a frown."


Simon chewing tabacky. Fvcking Hilarious.

Glazed donut. ROTFLMAO ..... :rolling:

Great stuff.

[Kwvillen]

TBW,

LOL, your pages are great. You've got Simon's speach down pat. Awesome. You've got a great Comedic voice. Very very funny sh!t. All of it.
:rolling: (http://207.5.19.9/boards/images/smilies/laughing-smiley-014.gif)Incredible how you convey attitude in your dialogue.




I couldn't agree more. :).

Thanks forthe compliments, btw, and your Steve Martin joke was a RIOT!

KWV

[theblondewritr]

:o Thanks guys. Both of you are SUPER KIND! "rots-a-raughs"!

So how does it end? lmao

[Kwvillen]

You tell us, theblondewriter. :)

KWV

[theblondewritr]

Well, we can't call it a WRAP. lol, I need to save some brain juice for the Valentines thing (cough).

[Kwvillen]

lol, I need to save some brain juice for the Valentines thing (cough).

No pressure. You only got like five days. LOL.

KWV

[theblondewritr]

:love: That's plenty of time. :rolleyes: Still I procrastinate. The only viable angle via 'on-line dating' research IS that MULLETS STILL EXIST!

How can one top a ring of fire (harbinger) anyway? Jeezus! The bloke's borderline genius! *laughing*

I almost miss Winter Solstice. ;)

[Kwvillen]

The only viable angle via 'on-line dating' research IS that MULLETS STILL EXIST!
:rolling:


How can one top a ring of fire (harbinger) anyway? Jeezus! The bloke's borderline genius! *laughing*


I know. I often wish I never asked him to post a short.

(Harbinger shows up): Oh, hey, harbinger! What's new?! We were just saying how happy we were that you posted a short! (:mad:)ROTFLMAO.

I'm going to triple check and make sure he's within the five page guideline. If he's as much as a period off. His pages are history!

He'll be like, "What happened to my pages?" and I'll be like, "Oh God, you must not of reaized that it was a five page maximum... sorry." and he'll be like "You couldn't of PM'd me?" and I'll be like "I tried, but with the site change, moving over here to DD Pro...". ROTFLMAO!


I almost miss Winter Solstice. ;)


Me too. Those were simpler times. Weren't they? Ah well...

KWV

[theblondewritr]

If he's as much as a period off. His pages are history!


DAYUM, you run a tight ship! LMAO

no seriously, you have your hands full here. :|