Action short challenge...

[ihavebiglips]

To those who don't know, the idea of an action short challenge was presented in the thread about female writers.

I'm bored at work, so I went ahead. Enjoy:



FADE IN.

INT. DAY ROOM - NIGHT

Sam(26) sits on the couch, stunned. Standing over him is
AMANDA(27).

They both wear flak vests and bandoliers of ammo and fire
arms. Amanda has a ninja sword strapped to her back.

SAM
I can't believe you. You're
unbelievable. Was it me? Did I do
something? Tell me.

AMANDA
Look, it didn't mean a thing. It
was just sex, you know. No big
deal. Mindless, nameless, faceless
sex.

Sam begins to sob.

SAM
(hysterical)
What did I do?! Is it... what? Does
this flak vest make me look fat?
What?

Amanda slaps him in the face. Hard.

AMANDA
Get a hold of yourself. Jesus, and
you wonder why I drink so much. You
drive me crazy. B1tch, nag, b1tch,
nag. Christ!

Sam stands up, still crying but less hysterical.

SAM
Don't you touch me. I will not take
this. Dr Phil says-

His hand goes to the 9mm in its holster. Amanda has a .357
Out in a flash, its muzzle inches from Sam's forehead, skull, and
brain.

AMANDA
Don't even think about, b1tch. I'll
smoke you faster than you could
make instant tapioca.

In one fluid motion, Sam back flips over the couch- and kicks
the cannon out of Amanda's hand.

He fires a few rounds at Amanda, but she's too quick.

She leaps and grabs the ceiling fan. It spins, on her way
back around she kicks a vase into Sam's face. It shatters and
bloodies his mug.

SAM
You *******! That belonged to my
grandmother. It had sentimental
value.

AMANDA
No accounting for taste. That crone
wouldn't know quality if it kicked
her in her wooden teeth.

Which is exactly what Amanda does to Sam when she lets go
of the fan and goes flying.

Upon landing, Amanda's ribs are greeted with a steel toe
boot.

She rolls with the kick and ninja rolls into the kitchen with
the grace of a panther, scattering a handful of caltrops
behind her.

Sam gives chase, only to step on the spiked caltrops.

SAM
Oh, that's it. These are new
boots. Manolo Blahniks! You're the
Antichrist!

He tosses a grenade into the kitchen, Amanda deftly kicks it
back out. Sam catches it, fumbling it like a hot potato.

He finally gets it under control and lobs it back. It goes
flying through the second story window. BOOM.

AMANDA
If that was what I think it was,
you're dead.

They both walk over and look out the broken window. Below is
a decimated 1967 Plymouth Fury ragtop with suicide doors.
Sam gulps.

SAM
It was an accident. I-

AMANDA
That car is a classic. I did all
the refurb myself, bored the
cylinders, rebuilt the tranny,
everything! Took you for drives in
it, you ungrateful-

SAM
Can't we just talk about this? I
mean, I know your feelings-

AMANDA
I don't wanna hear it!

She hits him in the eye socket with some nun-chucks.

SAM
Not the face! I have a wedding to
go to next week!

AMANDA
There won't be a next week.

She draws her ninja sword and cuts his arm off. He howls in
pain.

Amanda realizes what she's done... she drops the sword.

AMANDA (CONT'D)
Oh my god, baby. I didn't mean it.
I don't know what came over me, I
just got so mad. You just made me
so god damn mad...

Amanda whips her belt off and makes a tourniquet around
Sam's stump. Sam pushes her away, sobbing.

SAM
(sobbing)
Don't touch me! Don't. Just go,
just get out of here! I don't ever
want to see you again!

Amanda steps back.

AMANDA
Fine. I'll leave. I was going to
leave anyway, I can't ****ing stand
you! And don't expect me to come
crawling back.

SAM
Get out!

Amanda storms out, punching a hole in the drywall before
slamming the door.

CUT TO:


INSERT: THREE WEEKS LATER.

INT. DAY ROOM - DAY

Sam sits in the decimated day room, sobbing and eating Hagen-Daz,
a picture of Amanda on his lap.

His stump is wrapped in gauze, his broken nose is set.

The phone rings.

He wipes his eyes and sniffles. He wipes his nose on his
sleeve.

SAM
Ouch. My poor, beautiful nose.

He answers the phone.

SAM (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Hello?

Silence.

SAM (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Look... I can hear you breathing,
creep.
(beat)
Manda? Manda bear, is that you?

AMANDA (V.O.)
(filtered)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry baby. I'll
never do it again. I just, I have
to see you. Can I see you? Can I
come home?

SAM
(into phone)
I miss you so much.

FADE OUT.

[dpaterso]

You write like a girl!

-Derek
My Web Page - sci-fi, fantasy, horror, cyborgs, AIs, dragons, vampyres. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)
If an angry mob comes to the door with pitchforks and torches, it's for me.

[Harbinger]

I particulary like that Sam fumbled the grenade.

Women can't catch! Truth!

There should have been something in there about bad map-reading on Sam's part (and to redress the balance refusal by Amanda to ask directions), but other than that, spot on.

[Qazworld]

:rolling::rolling::rolling:

[Jcorona]

I thought it was supposed to be action not horror.

Corona

[amandag]

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

Love it, BL!! I think you should get extra credit for

A. thinking of such awesome names and
B. finishing so fast.

So is there no topic? Just go for it? Well then. I'm off to get drunk so I can be inspired. See you Saturday. (or sooner if I get the GOOD scotch).

[ylekot43]

fun stuff -- Mr. & Mrs. Smith meets Monty Python. I see room for an annoyed neighbor banging on the wall -- and a cop that used to be his ex-girlfriend responding to the domestic disturbance call.

[amandag]

Here's mine. Courtesy of the Antichrist.





FINGERNAILS SCRATCH

Like a sliding cat's, on the metal apex of a church bell.

INT. BELFRY - NIGHT

MICHAEL PIN struggles, bleating breath on the copper as he
tries to pull himself up.

He's in his mid-thirties. Doesn't have much time left.

BELOW...

Down five stories of rafters and falling mortar...

A PRIEST stands on a brass CHURCH WALK with a trio of
OFFICERS.

PRIEST
Michael! You can't run. God will
find you.

IN THE BELFRY,

MICHAEL clutches the bell as if kissing the feet of
Christ.

PRIEST
(From below)
God sees what you did.

MICHAEL
(Quietly)
...He doesn't see sh1t...

BELOW,

The Officers ready their guns.

MICHAEL casts a long glance down at the gathering CROWD,
then at the heavens above, HISSING through his teeth:

MICHAEL
(To God)
...Fvck you.

OFFICER
Don't--

Michael KICKS BACKWARD into a rear-swan dive--

CLEARING the BELFRY and CATCHING WIND--F-F-F-F-F-F-F

In MID-AIR, his eyes close gently. Praying his last
prayer--

--And HITS brass. Still as stone. Still alive.

The CROWD disperses with SHRIEKS. COPS grab walkies.

ON THE GROUND, Michael blinks. ICONIC BRASS TILES below
him.

ABOVE HIM...

THE PRIEST PEERS into his waning sightline.

PRIEST (O.S.)
Michael...

He touches Michael's face.

PRIEST
...You've forsaken him.

The Priest's placid expression twists as he squeezes
Michael's forehead, juicing BLOOD from his skull.

...VOICE RATTLING like ash. A bare whisper.

PRIEST
...He will not forgive this. You
will burn and your family will
burn.

Michael trembles as his BLOOD EBBS into the brass
etchings below his head...filling in scenes of SAINTS.

PRIEST
...He's always with you.

FADE OUT.

EXT. MICHAEL'S FARM - DAY

Dawn peers from the horizon over a stretch of endless
farmland.

Horses WHINNY, rolling their thick manes as they canter
through the dewy grass.

The acres of pens and barns are flayed with the white of
impending sunrise.

Color has yet to fill the palette.

INT. MICHAEL'S BEDROOM - DAY

The WAKING farm jostles NANCY gently.

She in her mid-thirties. The soft, kind face you'd pray
to see just before you died.

Hers teems with tension. She glances to the other side of
her bed, where no one lays.

It troubles her.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

NANCY hands backpacks to the two kids: DAVIS (nine) and
JACK (six).

DAVIS
I thought Dad was coming back last
night.

NANCY
He stayed to help at the Church.

Clear she's lying. She changes subjects before the boys
can ask.

NANCY
No stopping for Gary today.

DAVIS
But we always go with him.

NANCY
The school called. Said he got in a
fight. Said you were cheering him
on.

Davis sulks. Busted.

NANCY
I don't want you around a kid like
that. And I don't want you acting
like him. Understand?

Davis nods. He and Jack leave. Nancy waits until they reach the
end of the dirt driveway.

She picks up the phone.

NANCY
Father McKennen please.

While she waits...

WE HEAR the horses WHINNY. Nancy turns.

THROUGH THE WINDOW:

A BLACK MARE thrashes in its pen. Kicking wind.

A BORDER COLLIE edges the fence, BARKING madly.

NANCY
(Into the phone)
I'll call back.

EXT. MICHAEL FARM - DAY

The MARE'S EYES dart. It gallops in circles. Nostrils
erupting cold heat.

Nancy approaches the pen, cool as ice.

NANCY
(To the horse)
Dixie. It's okay.

The DOG SCREECHES, nipping at hoofs.

NANCY
(To the dog)
Mange, stay back.

The border collie backs from the fence.

NANCY
(To the horse)
No one's gonna hurt you.

The HORSE SKIPS from foot to foot. Eyes wide. Ears
twitching.

The dog YAPS in isolated bursts. Like a countdown to the
next hour.

Nancy opens the gate, entering the pen.

NANCY
(To the horse)
Goooood girl.

She approaches the shivering mare. The horse stares dead at her.

OUTSIDE OF THE PEN,

Mange WHIMPERS. Something's not right.

IN THE PEN,

Nancy gets closer.

The mare's sides heave. Heart pumping through her balmy
skin.

JACK'S VOICE pierces the silence--

JACK (O.S.)
Mom, something happened to Davis--

Nancy turns. Her son stands 20 yards behind her.

NANCY
Jack, don't--

Like wind--the horse TAKES OFF--

PLOWING into Nancy at full speed. She CRASHES to the
GROUND.

The horse EXPLODES through the pen--SHATTERING WOOD--

--And keeps going. Legs pommelling earth.

Headed RIGHT AT JACK--

NANCY
Jack, move!!!!

The kid can't. His legs are rubber.

The horse CAREENS. Breath racing. Possessed.

And then--

A GUNSHOT--

--CRUMPLES the MARE into a ton of settling fury, rolling
and sliding at Jack's feet.

A SHOTGUN smokes. Behind its burning barrel: FRANK MAKO
peers up from the sight. Eyes focused. Bothered by
something.

Nancy pulls herself to her feet, stumbling toward Jack.
Checking him for injuries. Doesn't notice her own.

FRANK
You all right?

She nods.

NANCY
Thank you.

COPS CARS roll into the drive. OFFICERS exit the car,
eyes on the scene.

OFFICER
What's going on?

FRANK
Dead horse.

Frank doesn't blink. May as well be stone.

The Officer glares at him. Has other business.

OFFICER
Nancy Pin? We'd like a word with
you.

Nancy whitens. Knows what's coming. The Officer softens.

OFFICER
It's about your husband.

[sc111]

Amanda - whoa, talk about visual writing! Good job.

I'll go work on mine now.

----------------

Lips ..... :rolling: I like it.

[Jcorona]

DING DING.

ihavebiglips meets amandag in the center of the ring and lands a straight right to her forehead. Her head snaps back into her heels.

Jcorona
Ey! That's a lady!

(I got'chur back, amandag. ;))

ihavebiglips
She ain't no lady. She's the antichrist!

Jcorona
Oh. Box!

They square up. amandag faints a jab, shoots a straight right into ihavebiglips' crotch.

ihavebiglips doubles over, drops to his knees. Tears streak, his bottom lip quivers. He looks to Jcorona for help.

Jcorona
What? Box, sissy!

(I got'chur back, too, ihavebiglips. ;))

They meet in the center. DING DING, round over.

They exit the ring and let the next fighters enter the ring in this special match.

Score: 1 - 1.

Corona :D

[amandag]

Thanks, Sc111 and Jcorona. Looking forward to reading your pages.

I hope some of the huffers and puffers above will throw some in.

We should have a group six pack riding on this.

[ihavebiglips]

:rolling:

Nice suggestions with the directions phenomenon and the domestic disturbance, folks.

JCorona... when you said my lip was quivering, you should have said "his ball park frank-like lip quivers." Just to add to the visuals. :D

[ihavebiglips]

Amanda, I like it.

Nice to work some action into an everyday setting. I didn't picture Steven Segal, Wesley Snipes, of Dolph Lundgren in this at all.

Well, maybe Dolph as the dog, Mange. (I am naming my next furry pet Mange, by the way.... awesome!)

[amandag]

Biglips, I totally thought of Dolph Lundgren for the dog. (My great grandma was named Mange, BTW). Thanks for the headpat.

JCorona, I forgot your rolling smilies for your awesome boxing moderation. :rolling: :rolling: Kudos!!

[Jcorona]

Thanks, amanda! :D Sorry, I'm not gonna enter. I'm just the ole ref here to keep it clean. ;) I got lot of nerve appointing myself ref. Anybody wanna boot me out, just say the word.

Anyway, gotta keep it neutral and just wanted to add, very very well done you two and on such short notice. Kudos back at'chu guys.

Corona :)

[Qazworld]

damn, you kids can write well.

[warrenP]

Is this the place for the Action Sex Challenge I heard about in SC's thread?

[ihavebiglips]

Is this the place for the Action Sex Challenge I heard about in SC's thread?

By "sex" she meant "gender." Sorry to get your hopes up.

[warrenP]

By "sex" she meant "gender." Sorry to get your hopes up.

Dangit. Tease. :mad:

[amandag]

Sorry, Warren. :( I was using 'buzz' words.

Thanks, Qaz. ;)

[warrenP]

So what's the point of this challenge? I admit I have not read through all 3,000 pages of the SC thread. Any general guidelines here? I might try to squeeze in a few pages, maybe, um you know, if there's time. And, if I'm done cleaning the garage.

[amandag]

I think the gist is: 5 action pages (or genre with action involved). Boys and girls competing (for what, I don't know).

No specific guidelines, but I will let Sc111 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY) correct me if I'm wrong.

Corona is the self-proclaimed (and great:D ) boxing moderator.

[Jcorona]

From the great one ;) :

warrenP, step on up, man! As you already know, bring your best stuff. They're throwin' bombs up in here. Don't bring no weak stuff. If I'd a done my job correctly and described what I should have in the first match, I would've mentioned how amandag stepped on ihvavebiglips' bottom lip and pinned it to the floor just before she delivered her awesome blow. But remember, ihavebiglips set the bar way up there first.

On my personal neutral scorecard that's tucked away in my dirty shorts so no one'll want to grab it: Hairy Backs - 1; God's Gifts - 1.

Corona

[warrenP]

...Don't bring no weak stuff. ...

This implies I might have something other than weak stuff!

[Jcorona]

This implies I might have something other than weak stuff!

I know you do. Bring it!

Jcorona
Now comin' into the ring . . .

Corona :D

[ihavebiglips]

Warren, you can just cut and paste the thread on "The Good German."

Lots of fireworks over there.

[warrenP]

Warren, you can just cut and paste the thread on "The Good German."

Lots of fireworks over there.

LOL, yeah I've removed myself from that one. I left OoO to avoid those talks, and then like Pacino in Godfather III, "they keep pulling me back in!"

[Qazworld]

aw admit it warren, youre missing it now.

:)

[warrenP]

aw admit it warren, youre missing it now.

:)

Honestly, not really. It is the same crap back and forth that it always is. I do admit that I'm enjoying your persona in your last few posts. (Yes, I'm still reading it, but I'm not posting there anymore.)

[Qazworld]

I do admit that I'm enjoying your persona in your last few posts. (Yes, I'm still reading it, but I'm not posting there anymore.)

shhhhhh

[ihavebiglips]

shhhhhh

Ha! I knew it!

[Qazworld]

a day late and a buck short though.

:smokin:

[ihavebiglips]

a day late and a buck short though.

:smokin:

Naw, I was just waiting for validation. I knew you could be that asinine.

[warrenP]

I'm in trouble. I just hit page 8, and am not near the ending. :(

[Charli]

Okay, so I wrote five pages. Hope it's a fun read:

INT./EXT. CAR CHASE MONTAGE -- DAY

A MUSTANG speeds down Coastal Highway 1 followed by a SEDAN.

INSIDE THE MUSTANG

Two ladies, one BLONDE and one BRUNETTE.

BRUNETTE
Why do I listen to you?

BLONDE
He was cute.

BRUNETTE
He was a cop.

BLONDE
He was cute.

IN THE SEDAN

Two men, one SUIT at the wheel and one COWBOY. Both don guns.

COWBOY
You never learn.

SUIT
Shut up.

COWBOY
Now what?

SUIT
I'll get it back.

Suit grits his teeth, presses the pedal to the metal.

OUT ON THE HIGHWAY

The Sedan closes the gap.

INSIDE THE MUSTANG

Blonde looks at her rear view mirror, the Sedan gains distance and that look in her eye, there's only one thing to do.

She shifts gears, presses the brakes, drifts into a 180 spin, then charges head-on toward the Sedan.

BRUNETTE
Are you out of your mind.

BLONDE
Hold on.

IN THE SEDAN

The two men brace themselves.

COWBOY
Jesus Christ!

SUIT
Son-of-a-

OUT ON THE HIGHWAY

The Sedan veers off the road, a tire blows out.

INSIDE THE MUSTANG

BLONDE
Chicken.

Blonde looks through her rear view mirror, spies the men in the Sedan as they pile out of the car.

Brunette is less than pleased.

BLONDE
Come on, I get props.

BRUNETTE
I hate going out with you.

Brunette reluctant to show contentment until she glances at her side view mirror, sees the Suit kick his flat tire.

BRUNETTE
Props.

They exchange a smile.

BLONDE
Go-go, baby cakes.

OUT ON THE HIGHWAY

The Mustang speeds down the highway, disappears around the bend.

INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT

A WAITER takes their order.

BLONDE
On bean burrito, no cheese.

BRUNETTE
Beef tacos, lots of cheese.

The Waiter takes their menus, exits.

BLONDE
Why don't we go to Vegas?

BRUNETTE
What about the cop?

BLONDE
He was fun. He has this little ring on his --

Brunette stands.

BRUNETTE
Don't wanna know. I'm going to the rest room, don't drink my Margarita.

Brunette gives a stern look to the Blonde who puts up her hands, she's not touching the drink, promise.

As soon as the Brunette steps out of view, Blonde pours a quarter of the Brunette's drink into her own glass. She then fills Brunette's drink with water to compensate the difference.

A FIST slams on the table.

MEEKO
Whaz up?

Meet MEEKO. He's slick, pretty boy, an Asian invasion.

BLONDE
I don't have time for you, Meeko.

MEEKO
Where's your sister?

BLONDE
Dallas.

MEEKO
Where is she?

BLONDE
Phoenix.

MEEKO
Quit playing me.

BLONDE
She doesn't like you, and what are you doing here?

MEEKO
I know this is her favorite place to eat. I came to see if she was here.

BLONDE
She's not here.

MEEKO
And she does like me. What's not to like.

Blonde gives him the once over and assess the situation.

BLONDE
Last year's jeans, greasy hair, one serious ugly tattoo on your chest, and blood on your nose.

Meeko checks his nose, checks his hands. He looks up at Blonde. She lands him one on the honker.

BLONDE
Quit stalking my sister.

He flips on the floor. Blonde stands. Now he has blood on his nose. Meeko stands.

Blonde is posed to fight and Meeko knows she's tough. He takes a step back. Blonde straightens -- didn't think so.

MEEKO
Yo.

Meet SNAKE, dons a huge snake tattoo across his neck. This guy looks like a wall of hurt.

Blonde's confidence not so high about now. The MANAGER shouts in Spanish to take it outside, cowers under the bar.

BLONDE
Listen boys, let's talk about this.

Snake and Meeko exchange a glance. Big mistake. In that nano second Blonde roundhouses Meeko in the face. He falls again like a bag of sand. Half the room clears out.

The next round -- Snake v.s. Blonde. He has the upper hand, literally. He grabs her by the throat and lifts her feet from off the floor.

Brunette emerges from the rest room. She spies Snake with a death grip on Blonde. Oh Hell, no. She charges, jumps on top of a chair, then on top of a table, tackles the snot out of Snake.

He falls. Brunette recovers, helps Blonde.

BRUNETTE
You okay?

Blonde nods.

Suit and Cowboy, enter, scan the room. Suit's hands and clothes are covered in black from changing the tire.

BLONDE
Sh-t.

BRUNETTE
This is not our day.

Blonde yells at Meeko and Snake, points to Suit and Cowboy.

BLONDE
Cops.

Brunette points at Meeko and Snake.

BRUNETTE
Criminals.

That now pits Snake and Meeko against Suit and Cowboy. The men take cover and draw weapons. The two girls exit toward the kitchen.

EXT. RESTAURANT PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS

Blonde and Brunett jump into the Mustang.

INT. MUSTANG -- CONTINUOUS

Gun fire emanates from inside the restaurant.

BRUNETTE
Car chase, fist fight, gun fight...

BLONDE
Yeah.

BRUNETTE
Old times.

Blonde hands Brunette a badge.

BLONDE
Happy birthday, baby cakes.

[warrenP]

Nice Charli!

[Charli]

Thanks, Warren. Sorry I didn't give the girls names, I was really lazy. No
excuse.

[warrenP]

Thanks, Warren. Sorry I didn't give the girls names, I was really lazy. No
excuse.

They dont need names.

In the one I'm working on now I have Ponytail Thug and Blonde Thug! I'm way to far into this now, on page 10. It started out so simple.... now I've disqualified myself.

[Jcorona]

Charli needs a challenger, Hairy Backs. Big time frickin a$$ hint: Don't bring no weak stuff!!!!

At Charli, behind eveyone's back so no one else can see neutral me: Biggo frickin' thumbs up, Charli! ;)

Hairy Backs?

Corona

[ylekot43]

EXT. CITY STREETS -NIGHT

YLEKOT43 walks down a dark alley. His measured short breaths flow over the contour of his face.

He hears something behind him -- footsteps.

He stops.

The footseps stop.

YLEKOT43
Oh God.

Ylekot43 breaks into a dead sprint.

A cloaked figure, SEVOO (35), gives chase.

SEVOO
Hey! Help. Me need you look these sexy script pages.

YLEKOT43
No. Just leave me alone!

SEVOO
But I am premium better writer with tricked pimp fast Zambonie!!

(Cut and paste chase scene from terminator here)

[Qazworld]

Charli needs a challenger, Hairy Backs. Big time frickin a$$ hint: Don't bring no weak stuff!!!!

At Charli, behind eveyone's back so no one else can see neutral me: Biggo frickin' thumbs up, Charli! ;)

Hairy Backs?

Corona

youd get more of a response from us if you called us sexybacks.

[warrenP]

Charli needs a challenger, Hairy Backs. Big time frickin a$$ hint: Don't bring no weak stuff!!!!

At Charli, behind eveyone's back so no one else can see neutral me: Biggo frickin' thumbs up, Charli! ;)

Hairy Backs?

Corona

Are you gonna write?

[Charli]

I'm glad you guys liked it. Write a genre you feel passionate about and it
will show.

[sc111]

Nice job, Charli - I love your action descriptions. Crisp, clean. ;)

[warrenP]

I love your action descriptions. Crisp, clean. ;)

If you love the shorter action lines, I'm pretty sure you won't care for mine then. I enjoy writing the action to a more detailed level. Although this whole little challenge is building to something bigger in my mind. I think I'm going to wrap this at around 18 pages, but have most of the story to make it a full 120 pages. And, to think, yesterday afternoon, I had nuttin.

[sc111]

This is the opening of a feature length:

EXT. DESERT DIRT ROAD – DAY

A cloud of dust billows behind a speeding 1965 LINCOLN CONTINENTAL. It closes in on –

A DOUBLE-WIDE TRAILER,

the only structure here in the middle of nowhere. Beside the front door, plastic cartons hold 5-GALLON WATER JUGS, the kind that fit in your average office cooler.

The dust-covered Lincoln skids to a stop beside the trailer. Door swings open, out steps –

BILLIE-JO MOON (late 20s). She’s the kind of girl who prefers free weights to Pilates, never gets manicures, and cuts her own hair when it grows an inch past her silver-studded belt. Yet she still manages to stop men in their tracks with her tough-girl beauty.

A GOLDEN RETRIEVER rushes up to her.

BILLIE-JO
There’s my guy. Did you pack like I told you?

He darts around the Lincoln and comes back with a rawhide bone. She opens the back door, there’s one leather duffle bag inside.

BILLIE-JO
Good boy – hop in.

Dog obeys. She pops the car trunk then hefts a 5-gallon water jug with relative ease and sets it inside. Then another. Then another. Dog WOOFS as she closes the trunk.

BILLIE-JO
Hang on.

She ducks around the side of the house and returns with a garden hose. Nozzle at full blast, she rinses dust off the back windshield. Dog WOOFS again.

BILLIE-JO
You really love a road trip don’t you?

She unscrews the car’s GAS CAP and then …

… shoves THE HOSE INSIDE, water backwashes, this tank is full.

MOMENTS LATER,

the Lincoln roars off and when it gets about half-mile away … the trailer BLOWS UP.

INT. MOVING LINCOLN

Billie-Jo snaps her cell phone shut and glances at the billowing fire via the rear-view mirror.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET – OVERCAST DAY

A two-lane traffic jam. Horns HONK in short staccato bursts. The stalled procession ends at the

EXXON GAS STATION.

The roadside price sign reads: $8.25 PER GALLON. And there’s an announcement below it: ONLY 5 GALLONS PER VEHICLE. Cars jammed helter-skelter by pumps. Arguments boil over.

AT PUMP #1, a shoving match erupts between two AVERAGE BUSINESSMEN, a third
BUSINESSMAN rushes them, fist clenched, but before he throws a punch –

TWO GUNSHOTS.

AT PUMP #5, a SOCCER DAD crumbles to his knees, blood runs from his gut. His kids SCREAM out the open windows of his car as TWO GANG-BANGERS hand-push the vehicle out of their way.

INT. NEW YORK DAILY NEWS - CUBICLE OFFICE - DAY

Lance Colby (30) leans back in his chair, phone to his ear. He still has the confident tone of the college football star he used to be.

LANCE
So the mayor doesn’t love me anymore? …
I mean - when he’s running for re-election
I get put straight through. But when New Yorkers
are killing each other over at the Stop N’ Go,
I get you. So I figure, I blew off his birthday party
and now he’s pissed at me , right? …
Hello? Hello?

He slams the phone down and checks his email – one new arrival: Free for lunch? K.C.

EXT. SIDESTREET CAFÉ – LATER

Lance exits with KATE (K.C.) COLBY (19), his bubbly kid sister. They stroll toward the avenue. Up ahead, buckets of FRESH FLOWERS stand outside a florist shop.

KATE
You’re like rock star status in my journalism class.
The prof is a fan too – “Ms. Colby – perhaps you’ve
discussed this with your brother.”

LANCE
Change your major. Marketing, business admin --

KATE
Boring -

LANCE
Basket weaving. Trust me, you’ll be happier. In this
job any faith you have in humankind tends to evaporate.

KATE
Nah. I’m the optimist in the family – remember?
Think positive.

LANCE
I try. But still – it rains.

Lance gazes up at the overcast sky as –

A BLACK VAN comes around the corner and jumps the curb -- she sees it first, pushes him away but it clips Kate - she flies up …

LANCE
Kat-i-e!!!!

… lands atop the flowers and rolls onto her back, yellow Zinnias drop onto her chest.

INT. HOSPITAL/ICU WAITING AREA – LATER

Detective JOE FINCHER (50) looks up from his notes at Lance.

FINCHER
So you didn’t see the tags, the driver – nothin’?

LANCE
For the third time – no. When you’re giving CPR to
your kid sister you tend to focus on – you know – her.
Since when do hit-and-runs rate a first-grade
detective?

FINCHER
Off the record, okay?
(off nod)
Traffic camera caught it - this was no accident -

LANCE
Jesus, no -

FINCHER
I don’t think they were after an NYU freshman. Look -
I feel for you and I’ll say a prayer your sister pulls
through. But I want you to come to the station. We go
over your recent stories, maybe we figure out who
has it in for you.

LANCE
I’m not leaving till she’s out of surgery.

FINCHER
Fair enough – you have my card.

Fincher walks off.

EXT. HOSPITAL DOOR – NIGHT

Pounding rain. A rumpled MAN (late 60s) huddles under the awning – he needs a shave and his tattered suit jacket puts him about three-quarters of the way to homeless.

Lance steps out of the door and lights a cigarette, the Man approaches him -

MAN
Cigarette?

LANCE
Sorry. Last one.

MAN
I should quit anyway … how’s Kate doing?

Lance snaps his head toward him just as he reaches into his jacket – in once swift move Lance has him against the wall, arm across his throat.

LANCE
Here to finish the job – huh?

The Man chokes out the words:

MAN
Cracker. Jacks.

Lance reaches into the man's jacket and pulls out … a BOX OF CRACKER JACKS. He releases him.

LANCE
Who the hell are you!

MAN
(coughs)
In time. Enjoy.

He walks off, faster than you’d expect. Lance opens the Cracker Jacks box and sees folded papers inside.

***

[ihavebiglips]

Good work, ladies.

This one certainly got a lot more play than the Halloween challenge. Maybe we should super-charge every writing exercise with sexual politics.

[sc111]

If you love the shorter action lines, I'm pretty sure you won't care for mine then. I enjoy writing the action to a more detailed level. Although this whole little challenge is building to something bigger in my mind. I think I'm going to wrap this at around 18 pages, but have most of the story to make it a full 120 pages. And, to think, yesterday afternoon, I had nuttin.

If this inspired a new script for you ... very cool.

In terms of short - long action descriptions - I like different styles as long as they make me "See" things.

Okay - let's recap:

Men who have posted pages: Big Lips (and Warren, soon)

Women who have posted pages: Amanda, Charli, Sc111.


Hope I didn't miss anyone.

[Qazworld]

is biglips in the male category or in the middle somewhere?

that's not me joking around, but a legit question.

[ihavebiglips]

Yes, let's amend this.

Males - 0
Females - 3
Hermaphrodites - 1

I need a hermaphrodite smiley.

[Jcorona]

youd get more of a response from us if you called us sexybacks.

Sorry, Qaz. Ain't lookin' for responses. Just keepin' it real. ;)

Corona

[Jcorona]

Are you gonna write?

Nope. Can't hurt the team. No weak stuff allowed. Plus I ain't got enough hair on my back.

Corona :)

[theradicalone]

FADE IN:

EXT. TRAIN STATION – DUSK

The grinding of steel on steel. Sparks, like a thousand firefly’s shoot shards of steel into the darkening sky.

The train jack knives, the caboose flips over crashing into a still train two tracks over. Tumbling like Evel on a bad landing. Metal bending. Steel snapping. Chaos.

SMASH CUT TO

INT. LAST SECTION OF TRAIN – FIVE MINUTES BEFORE

A blade, from a three inch knife rips through the arm of TREVOR, scrapping bone.

RUSTIN
Die you mother faucker.

The eyes of RUSTIN NILES, dark, vengeful. He lashes out again, misses Trevor’s neck.

TREVOR
You’re hatred is slowing you down.

Blood drips from Trevor’s arm.

TREVOR
Normally that would have been an artery.

Bam. Bam. Bam. The first bullet just misses Rustin. . . who dives to the ground behind luggage. A GOON, with a pistol is unloading into everything but his target.

Rustin scrambles to the other side of the rail car. Two more bullets whiz by his head through the window.

A door, two feet away –

TREVOR
Next I’ll visit your wife. . . you’re baby boy.

The goon reloads – just as Rustin launches himself from behind the luggage, his shoulder leading the way – smashes into the Goon with full force -- ribs crack.

a collapse of air – the gun smacks to the ground and skids across the floor.

Rustin is skilled, a elbow to the jaw, and a swift kick and the Goon’s off his feet and through the window, he hits the ground, bounces like a rag doll -- neck snapped.

RUSTIN
Not gonna happen – I’m going see my kid and
My wife just after I kill you.

Both men eye the gun, it’s closer to Trevor, who dives for it, clasps it in his hand and fires two shots, one hits Rustin in the shoulder the other whizzes by his head.

Rustin scrambles to the door –

OUTSIDE

The rain pounds the car. Two more shots rip through the glass sprinkling Rustin with tiny pieces.

INTO another car, empty, sans a rail worker with wide eyes as the bleeding Rustin runs by him into the caboose.

Turning around.

RUSTIN
I’d get off the train if I were you.

Then from behind the door swings open to Trevor, smiling, gun in hand blood drips to the ground.

TREVOR
I’d listen to him, yes I would.

He fires a single shot into the gut of the worker.

TREVOR
To late.

– Rustin is already out of view. Trevor, calm, like a stalker, steps over the dead body of the rail worker heading toward the caboose.

INT. CABOOSE

The conductor isn’t used to people telling him what to do.

CONDUCTOR
This is my train – I don’t get off my train.

RUSTIN
If you want to live you do.

Another bullet ricochets off metal, clanking around.

CONDUCTOR
I’ll make an excemption.

Then he inches to the door, looks back at Rustin, who pushes him out – we watch him hit the ground and roll out of sight.

TREVOR (OS)
You know – we could have been a team.

Rustin looks over the controls, back and forth – as if he knew what to do.

INT. SECOND TO LAST CAR

Trevor loads the gun, one bullet at a time, the blood now pouring from his arm.

TREVOR
Like Butch Cassidy and the sundance kid. I would of let you be Butch.

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]He loads the last bullet, closes the revolver and smiles.

TREVOR
Who are those guys.

INT. CABOOSE

Rustin pushes the throttle to full bore just as the door splinters open -- shots ping of metal --

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]A kick to the midsection doubles Trevor over then a knee to the face puts him on his back. Another shot as he’s falling mashes into the trains controls - they're mangled.

Another kick and the Trevor’s disarmed, the gun skips off the floor and out the open door. But the trains now totally out of control.

Up ahead, the station.

TREVOR
I guess we’re both dead, huh. You and me
Dying on a speeding train, high on cocaine. . .

Rustin puts his foot over Trevor’s throat.

RUSTIN
I hate the grateful dead.

He steps on Trevor’s throat, a voice box crushed. Trevors eyes roll back into his head, then close –

It’s go time – the train is almost at the station when he makes his leap --- he hits the ground, his leg bends underneath, cracks and folds tumbling with his pov –

The train jack knives, then flips – a horrible explosion –

Rustin finally rolls to a stop against a row of railroad ties, dizzy – just as the train explodes.

His eyes flutter --- then close.

BLACK

INT. MANSION – MORNING

The crystal blue backdrop ripples as the face of Rustin breaks the water line, in his sights is a beautiful women, holding a baby boy.

He swims over to her, kisses her on the cheek and takes his his son in his hands.
,

[Jcorona]

DING DING.

Charli squares off against ylekot in the center of the ring.

ylekot's down!

Jcorona stares, puzzled. The spectators do the same.

ylekot, dazed, makes it to his feet. Jcorona doesn't know whether to give him an eight count or weeble 'im 'cause he wobbles. Instead, he grabs a mic.

Jcorona
(to crowd)
Did anyone see a punch?

The spectators shrug, shakes their heads: "No."

BLIND MAN
I did!

Everyone takes back.

BLIND MAN
It was a straight right! Right on the kisser.

Jcorona calls time, looks at the replay in super SUPER SUPER slow-mo.

Yup, it was a straight right, so fast, Ali'd be proud.

Jcorona gives ylekot an eight count.

Jcorona
Box!

ylekot throws a stiff jab, knocks half of Charli's make-up off her face.

Jcorona
Ey, that's a lady!

ylekot
No it's not. That's Charli.

Jcorona
Oh. Box!

DING DING. Round over.

Sorry, ylekot. I really really like you, but on my personal neutral scorecard that no one can see:

God's Gifts - 2; Hairy Backs - 1 & a half, unofficially.

Corona

[Jcorona]

Correction, that was a 2-point round for the God's Gifts on my neutral scorecard that no one can see.

So: God's Gifts - 3; Hairy Backs - 1 & a half.

Corona

[Qazworld]

do you have vig on ignore?

[theradicalone]

btw, i don't want to make my short less or more than what it is but it took exactly 23 minute to write it from start to finish, while stoned eating a piece of carrot cake, enough said.

[Jcorona]

Aw damn, steppin' into the ring is sc111 and her hour glass fig against theradicalone and his chiseled bod. It's the bod against the fig. The boxer vs. the puncher.

DING DING.

SNAP SNAP SNAP, like a piston, sc111's jab into theradicalone's muscles on the bridge of his nose. He grins.

sc111 dances, jabs, bobs weaves, jabs, moves in a circle. A thing of beauty.

theradicalone's nose bleeds. He slides his tongue deep into his nostrils and deep in his mouth.

theradicalone
Mmmmm.

Funny but he's got her right where he wants her.

He throws a clubbing overhand right that misses by four feet but the wind knocks her on her awesome booty. Not the booty! And messes up her hair. Not the hair!

She's back on her feet but it's ruled a knockdown.

DING DING, round over. A 2-point round for the fellas.

God's Gifts - 4; Hairy Backs - 3 & a half.

Man, I'm impressed and I got the best view in the house. Kudos!

Corona

[sc111]

I luvvvvv this. Great stuff. :)

Aw damn, steppin' into the ring is sc111 and her hour glass fig against theradicalone and his chiseled bod. It's the bod against the fig. The boxer vs. the puncher.

DING DING.

SNAP SNAP SNAP, like a piston, sc111's jab into theradicalone's muscles on the bridge of his nose. He grins.

sc111 dances, jabs, bobs weaves, jabs, moves in a circle. A thing of beauty.

theradicalone's nose bleeds. He slides his tongue deep into his nostrils and deep in his mouth.

theradicalone
Mmmmm.

Funny but he's got her right where he wants her.

He throws a clubbing overhand right that misses by four feet but the wind knocks her on her awesome booty. Not the booty! And messes up her hair. Not the hair!

She's back on her feet but it's ruled a knockdown.

DING DING, round over. A 2-point round for the fellas.

God's Gifts - 4; Hairy Backs - 3 & a half.

Man, I'm impressed and I got the best view in the house. Kudos!

Corona

[theradicalone]

now, if our friend **** magoo had any balls she'd post some of her dark, law and order mamby pambsy nonsense and then we'd have a really shingding going.

[sc111]

The challenge evolved out of several comments indicating women weren't capable of writing commercial concepts with plots and action sequences that appeal to male audiences.

That's what I had in mind when I developed these pages. I like this concept - I'll outline it after I finish the comedy.

BTW - I put about an hour into mine. But I wasn't eating carrot cake at the time.

[Qazworld]

vig your pages just werent very good. they were dull and cliche ridden.

dont eat carrot cake anymore.

[theradicalone]

you're so diplomatic sc. there is a huge difference between men and women in their writing. that's what we were talking about. the writing has a pov problem as far as i'm concerned and a cadence situation that can not be overlooked.

writing is scenes. writing is voice. writing is pacing. writing is pov. writing is not how one would write a magazine article.

you know i love you though, hugs and biatches. . .

[Jcorona]

I luvvvvv this. Great stuff. :)

Thanks, sc. But'chu ain't luvvvvvin' it as much as I'm diggin' your guys' pages. I'm dead serious.

Corona

[sc111]

Thanks, sc. But'chu ain't luvvvvvin' it as much as I'm diggin' your guys' pages. I'm dead serious.

Corona

Cool ... you know I was thinking, considering some of the opines in the other thread implied women write a certain way yet the three sets of women's pages here illustrate distinctively different styles. Hmmm.

[amandag]

Awesome pages Sc111 and Charli!

And I have to give Radical (though I was not here when he was Vig) major props for coming into the ring. Talk is cheap. Especially his ;) . Good on you, Vig. Nice job.

Way to moderate, Corona!!

[ihavebiglips]

Mine took about as long as Vig's, but I was only wishing I was stoned.

I vote for JCorona's boxing commentaries as the best scenes in the thread.

[theradicalone]

style is different. not voice. style is how you choose to write, but voice is basically the same, how one says what they write and what the content is.

read the pages between the gals and you see the same voice and the same content. you think the pages are so differeent because charli decided to use short prose?

it's the female voice that is the same.

[sc111]

I see a female POV - the same way I see a male POV in the pages by the guys. But the voices are different. For everyone.

Anyway, Vig ... you had me at caboose.

[warrenP]

You folks ok with me posting several posts, or you just want the first 5 pages? The short version ended at 18 pages, so it would be four posts.

[sc111]

Go for it Warren - this is a very loosey-goosey challenge. I look forward to reading .........

[warrenP]

All righty, gimmie a minute to split it up...

[Jcorona]

Thanks, amanda and thanks, ihavebiglips. :) But writin' stuff about stuff that's already written ain't nothin'compared to writin' stuff off the top of the dome from nothin' like you guys did.

Jcorona - 0.

Corona :D

[warrenP]

Anyone know how they calcuate character count here? It says a 10,000 character limit per post, and I'm grabbing way less than that, but it is counting it differently. Going this way it looks like I can only paste in about 2 pages at a time? Sumtins not werkin right...

[sc111]

I had the same problem, I deleted one of the double-spaces between scenes, then it was okay.

Warren - I'm fading fast - 1 am on the east coast, I'll read your pages in the morning.

Nite all. :)

[warrenP]

ESCAPE

An Action Sex Thriller Challenge Thingy. ;-)

FADE IN

INT. LUXURY HOTEL BATHROOM – NIGHT

The sound of water fills the air as moonlight streams through the window into the steamy bathroom. A trail of clothes on the floor leads from the door to the shower. Men’s combat boots, women’s combat boots, socks, four handguns, a knife belt with shimmering blades in place, pants, shirts, then a red thong and bra.

INT. SHOWER

BENJAMIN, 28, holds his wife, MIA close while water rushes down on them. With his brow furrowed, he closes his eyes and holds her tight.

MIA
I’m not going anywhere baby.

BEN
I just don’t think we can do this anymore. It isn’t what I wanted for us. This whole life, people shouldn’t live like this. I mean 8 hours ago…

MIA
I know. That’s over now.

She gazes up to his face, stares into his eyes, red with tears mixed-into the shower water. She kisses him passionately, pushes him to the back of the shower, whispers into his ear and slowly slides down to the floor.

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM – NIGHT

Ben, resting in bed, looks over to the bathroom door. A stunning Mia saunters out of the bathroom in a silk nightgown.

BEN
How did I get so damn lucky?

MIA smiles and crawls onto the bed. Running her hands along her husband’s chiseled physique, she rests her head on his shoulder.

MIA
Feeling better, I see.

BEN
I’m pretty sure that will always do the trick. But, we might have to test it nightly, you know, just to be sure.

MIA
Well your birthday is only four months away, maybe that will have to do.

A loud knock at the door interrupts their fun.

BEN
They’re here.

Mia rolls silently off her side of the bed, pulling her gun from her nightstand in one smooth motion, and kneels in a military stance, pointing her weapon towards the door.

At the same time, Ben grabs his gun and knife belt from his nightstand, and by the time he is to the door has the belt on and his gun at the ready.

He motions to Mia, and she nods back that she is ready. He turns out the lights, and peeks through the security lens in the door. He holds up one finger, and in one lightning quick move Ben opens the door and pulls the stranger into the room.

Before the stranger can move he is pinned on the ground, face to the carpet, with Mia’s knee pressed hard in the small of his back, and her gun pressed against the back of his skull. Ben locks the door and turns the lights back on.

The stranger is wearing a hotel uniform, and seems terrified.

BEN
Who are you?

STRANGER
I was just told to bring this to your room. I work here.

The stranger holds an envelope in his hand. Mia is still pressing him hard on the ground.

Ben pulls the envelope from him, and walks back to the door. He looks out the security lens, and turns out the lights. Mia releases the stranger and leads him to the door.

BEN
Just walk out the door.

The stranger practically runs out the door, nearly tripping on his way. The second he crosses the threshold, Ben closes the door behind him and turns on the lights.

Mia walks back into the bathroom, while Ben sits on the bed staring at the still sealed envelope in his hand. He leaves the envelope on the bed, and joins her in the bathroom.

INT. HOTEL BATHROOM

In silence, they both get dressed in full black military combat clothing, including bullet proof vests. Mia checks her guns one at a time, loads them, and holsters them, along with extra ammunition. Ben goes through the same routine, checks his guns, loads and holsters them, prepares his ammunition, and adjusts his knife belt.

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM

Mia and Ben stand at the end of the bed, looking down at the envelope. Mia picks up the envelope, while Ben walks over to two back packs filled with military equipment. He pulls out a pair of night vision binoculars.

Ben turns towards his wife when he hears the sound of the envelope being torn open. She mouths some of the words to herself, and then reads the note out loud.

MIA
We know where you are. We know which room you are in. We have every exit covered, including the roof. You have no exit options from this situation. You will leave the hotel. You will go the parking garage and follow our lead vehicle, which will be waiting for you at the exit, to the building where you have our money. We will have a car following you, and a helicopter watching from above.

Ben’s face hardens as he listens to his wife reading. He walks towards the window while she continues.

MIA
At the building where you have our money, you will return the money to us. At that time we will determine your fate. You will leave the room within the next 30 minutes, or we will kill you.

When she finishes, a dead silence fills the room for a moment.

BEN
Turn out the lights.

Mia turns the lights off in the room, and Ben peers out into the night with the binoculars. At either end of the street there is a car, with two men inside. There is a third man standing outside of each car staring up at the hotel room.

BEN
Yeah, they’re out there. We worked for five years for that money, who they hell are they to claim it is theirs? I’m not giving them one ****ing penny.

MIA
Clearly they think differently.

BEN
Well what do you want to do?

MIA
We don’t have many options here. We’re pinned down, and they’re in control.

BEN
Then we need to take control. We knew this day was coming. Can’t dance with the devil for as long as we have and not get burned. Today is the day. Tonight. Right now. Let’s end this.

He puts the binoculars back in his pack, and gives Mia her pack. They head towards the hotel room door.

[warrenP]

MIA
Things are going to change once we go out this door.

BEN
Yeah… Should we go high or low?

MIA
High, no doubt.

BEN
I love you.

MIA
I love you too baby.

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY

Ben comes storming out of the hotel room, with Mia right by his side. They walk with intensity, straight towards a massive thug, who is sitting on a beautiful bench at the end of the hall.

The thug stands up and takes a few steps towards them. He talks into the microphone on his shirt sleeve.

THUG
They’re coming out now.

The thug motions smugly towards the elevator, but Ben and Mia pick up speed and slam into him, Ben hitting him in the face, and Mia hitting him in the chest. The thug wheezes back in shock and pain, Ben spins around behind him, putting him in a sleeper hold. They place his unconscious body sitting as upright as possible on the bench. Mia pulls off his mic and radio earpiece.

They head towards the elevator, but pass it up, and instead go through the door to the stairway.

INT. HOTEL STAIRWAY

Very quickly the two make their way up the stairs to the roof level. The door is locked. Ben backs out of the way and Mia kneels in front of the lock. She pulls out her tools from her pack, and in a few seconds has the door unlocked.

Slowly Ben opens the door just a crack and tries to see as much as he can. There are some hiding places just outside the door, large vents and equipment covers.

EXT. HOTEL ROOF – NIGHT

The door to the roof opens wider, and Ben moves to the nearby equipment cover. He lies on the ground, and pulls out an extended mirror from his pack. Slowly he moves the mirror into the open, and checks out the side of the roof. No one seems to be there. He moves to the other side and checks the roof. There is a thug, with short bleach blonde hair, holding a gun at the ready, at the edge of the roof, about 50 feet away.

Before Ben can check the part of the roof that is behind the door to the roof, another thug with a long black ponytail comes straight towards him, and pins Ben down. He talks into his sleeve microphone.

PONYTAIL THUG
He’s on the roof, we’ll bring him down.

The blonde thug sees the action, and starts walking towards his partner. Ponytail has Ben in his sights, pointing his machine gun down on his target.

PONYTAIL THUG
Didn’t you hear? WE HAVE THE ROOF COVERED! Idiot.

Ponytail kicks Ben in the face with a laugh. A stream of blood runs from Ben’s mouth, but Ben shows no sign of feeling any pain. Ben sees the roof door opening slowly behind the Ponytail Thug.

PONYTAIL THUG
Now, we’re gonna go get your bitch, we’re gonna walk down to the garage, and you are gonna follow the instructions.

MIA
Who’re you calling a bitch?

With surprising power, Mia delivers a roundhouse kick to Ponytail’s head, knocking him off balance and to the ground. The blonde thug raises his gun, and before Mia can act, fires off two shots, sending her to the ground hard.

BEN
Nooo!

Ben jumps up and runs to his wife, kneels down over her. His back is to both thugs.

PONYTAIL THUG
Don’t f**king move!

Ben doesn’t even acknowledge them; he is solely focused on Mia. Slowly her eyes open, both shots hit her square in the vest, one right over her heart. She winces in pain. Ben sees she has her gun in hand, behind Ben, out of sight of the thugs. Ben and Mia’s eyes lock, the moment seems suspended in time.

BEN
I love you.

They share another look and Mia smiles up at him.

MIA
I know.

BLONDE THUG
Hands up! Stand up! Now!

Ben outstretches his arms, stands up slowly, and turns, revealing the gun in Mia’s hand. She fires off two shots in an instant, hitting each thug in the head.

Ben grabs his pack, and runs to the edge of the building.

BEN
We’ve got five minutes, max.

He fires a zip line to the neighboring building, anchoring it into the bricks just above a window. Standing next to Ben, Mia fires her gun at the window, breaking the glass out of the way.

BEN
Good?

MIA
Good.

INT. STAIRWELL

They grab their gear, and head back down the stairwell. Mia pauses, holds up her hand, as she listens to a voice on the earpiece.

VOICE
Gunter? Max? Otto? Report. Damnit! Marcel and Paul are coming up.

MIA
I don’t think we have five minutes.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY

In the lobby, a man in a black suit motions to Marcel and Paul. The two men get in an elevator, and press the button for the top floor.

INT. ELEVATOR

Marcel and Paul check their many guns, ensuring they are loaded and ready to be used.

INT. HOTEL TOP FLOOR

At the top floor, Mia and Ben wait for the elevator, with their guns pointed at the door. The elevator dings, and the doors open slowly. No one is inside. They step in and press the button for the second floor. The second the doors close the elevator next to them dings, opens, and out comes Marcel and Paul.

EXT. HOTEL ROOF

Marcel and Paul see the dead bodies of Ponytail and Blonde, and survey the rest of the roof.

Marcel talks into his mic

MARCEL
Gunter and Max are dead. I don’t see Otto.

Paul motions to Marcel where he finds the zip line. Marcel comes over and sees that the couple have escaped to the neighboring building, he reports this information.

MARCEL
They used a line to get to the neighbor building, eighth floor, south side, six windows from the West. Should we bring Gunter and Max down?

VOICE
Leave them, find Otto, bring him, and get down here.

[warrenP]

INT. HOTEL SECOND FLOOR

Ben and Mia exit out of the elevator cautiously, and check their surroundings. They are clear. A balcony overlooks the hotel lobby.

The couple position themselves to see down into the lobby, but remain hidden from view. Marcel, Paul, and a dazed Otto come out of the elevator, join the man in the black suit, and they leave through the front door.

Ben and Mia retreat to a safe corner of the upper balcony.

BEN
It won’t take them long to know. You want to make a run for the money, or get out of here while we can?

Her look answers the question, but she adds to it.

MIA
We didn’t give up five years and leave everything behind for this job, just to walk away when it got hard. I’m not leaving the money. Let’s get it, go find an island, and soak in the sun for the next few decades.

Ben smiles at her.

BEN
Have I told you I loved you?

MIA
Not in the last few minutes. You’re slipping.

EXT. SIDE HOTEL ENTRANCE - NIGHT

The two cars Ben saw out the window go racing by to the neighboring building, screeching their tires turning into position around the building. Ben and Mia slide along the shadows, across the street to the building on the opposite side, and walk into the garage.

INT. PARKING GARAGE

Ben has his eyes on a new Blue Viper.

MIA
I think more subtlety is required right now.

She looks around the garage and walks towards an older silver four door sedan. Ben sighs, but knows she is right, so he follows behind her. She grabs her pack, and quickly has the car unlocked and running.

Ben lays down across the back seat, while Mia sits in the driver’s seat. Slowly she pulls the car out onto the street.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

MIA
Last chance. Left to the airport, right to the money.

BEN
Let’s do what’s right.

He laughs at his joke, Mia manages to crack a smile. They drive in silence for a while.

INT. CAR – DAWN

MIA
I’m stopping to get gas, want anything?

BEN
Anything with caffeine.

Mia walks out of the store with a few cans of soda pop to see Ben sitting in the driver’s seat. She hops in and they get back on the road.

MIA
What, I wasn’t driving fast enough?

BEN
You know there should be a law that prohibits women from asking their husbands to comment on their driving skills. That’s cruel and unusual punishment.

MIA
So, you’re afraid to answer the question?

BEN
Yes.

As the sun fully rises, they pull off the road, and drive onto an abandoned factory building’s parking lot. The concrete is cracked, weeds are growing up the sides of the building. They pull up to a hidden digital keypad, clearly not belonging to the original building.

Ben enters a code, and a section of fence around the building opens for them to drive through. The fence closes behind them.

BEN
So do you really think they found the money?

MIA
I guess so.

BEN
But, no one knows other than us. You haven’t told anyone, right?

MIA
No, and I don’t really like the question. Have you told anyone?

BEN
Of course not. Then they must have been… tracking…. us.

They stare at each other, and realize their mistake too late.

EXT. ABANDONED FACTORY

Ten trucks come driving fast from around both sides of the building, surrounding the couple’s sedan. A helicopter rises over the building and hovers above the car. From each truck, a man gets out of the passenger seat, and points a rifle at the car.

A black luxury sedan with black tinted windows drives slowly around the building, between two trucks, and stops right in front of the couple’s car. No one can be seen inside since all the windows are tinted.

The rear passenger door opens, and out comes the man dressed in all black, even black leather gloves. He straightens his tie, and walks to the Ben’s window. He taps lightly on the glass.

Ben pushes the button to lower the window.

BEN
Hello Victor.

Victor looks at the two of them for a moment in silence.

VICTOR
Benjamin, Mia. I must say I’m a bit surprised you showed up. I thought for sure you would be on a plane by now. Perhaps you’re not as smart as I once thought. Apparently you did not believe me when I said that you had no exit options… OK, time to get out, let’s go.

Neither Ben nor Mia make any move to open their doors. Victor raises his hand, and calmly holds up one finger. Two gunmen on each side of the car fire their rifles, blowing out the rear tires of the car, and then shattering the rear windows. Glass flies into the front seat, both Ben and Mia get small cuts on their necks.

VICTOR
Shall I have them fire again? This is an obvious situation. There is no reason for you to die right here like this.

[warrenP]

BEN
Why should we go inside if you are just going to kill us anyway?

VICTOR
Good question. Perhaps the desire to live a bit longer with one another is not that high after all.

Victor looks Ben in the eye, and starts to raise his hand, holding up two fingers. Four more gunmen raise aim their weapons, turn on their laser sights, and two red dots appear on both Ben and Mia’s forehead.

BEN
Wait!

Victor’s arm drops, but the red dots remain on the couple. Ben looks at Mia, and she nods to him. They get out of the car. The helicopter starts to circle around the building. A rifleman is perched inside with his gun pointing right at them.

VICTOR
Very wise. Oh, please do take off your packs, and leave them here. Also, of course, I’ll expect you to remove your guns.

Ben and Mia drop their packs to the ground. They each take a gun out of their holster, and drop it to the ground as well.

VICTOR
Don’t do that. Not now, please don’t do that. You both carry two Desert Eagles at all times, now drop them both.

Reluctantly, they follow the order, and take out their second gun, dropping it to the ground.

VICTOR
Thank you. That wasn’t so bad, now was it? Let’s get going.

Victor picks up two of their guns, and points one on each of his captives. As they start to walk inside, six of the men from the trucks follow behind them.

BEN
You sure want our money pretty bad to go through all this.

VICTOR
Your money? I suppose that is one way of looking at it. However, in a few minutes, it will clearly be my money.

INT. FACTORY

Inside, the building is just as decaying as outside. They walk straight across the cavernous dust filled factory to a thick metal door. This door has a keypad, similar to the one outside.

VICTOR
Enter the code. I believe it is your wedding date backwards, yes?

Ben looks at Mia, and enters the code.

VICTOR
So sweet. Let’s go inside, shall we?

INT. SAFE ROOM

This large room is unlike any other part of the factory. It is gleaming, new, and totally soundproofed. The room is mostly empty, some stainless steel tables, and cabinets. Standing in the center of the room is the object of Victor’s attention, a massive safe eight feet tall, and ten feet wide and twelve feet deep. He turns to Ben.

VICTOR
Consider this a sign of my good will.

Ben is about to ask what he meant, when four of Victor’s men grab Ben, and hold him down on the ground. Victor walks directly towards Ben, and pulls out a knife. Mia rushes towards them, but Victor spins and hits her to the ground. Two more of Victor’s men hold her away on the other side of the room. Blood trails down from her nose.

BEN
I’m gonna f**king kill you, you don’t touch her.

VICTOR
Ben, I said consider this a sign of my good will. As far as touching her? I’ve already done more than that, my friend; you are one lucky man, that’s for sure.

MIA
He’s lying!

VICTOR
Right, what else would she say? Let’s get back to the good will, for the third time.

Victor rolls up Ben’s left pant leg exposing his calf. He takes his knife and makes a 3 inch long cut along Ben’s leg, and pulls out a tiny circuit board attached to a long piece of wire.

VICTOR
This was my gift to you when you were on the job in Guatemala. I won’t need to track you anymore after today… Stand them up, and take off their vests, I might want to shoot them in a few minutes.

The men do as they are instructed and stand up Ben and Mia, dropping the vests to the ground. Ben and Mia look each other in the eye. Ben smiles at her, and she drops her head in a sigh.

In a split second, Ben pulls out two of his knives, one in each hand, and stabs the two men behind him in their necks. At the same time, Mia punches each of the men behind her with the backs of her closed fists, and she drops to the ground.

Ben pulls the knives from the necks of the men behind him, blood pours out of their wounds, and he throws the knives straight across the room into the chest of each of the men who were behind Mia.

Victor spins around to see four of his men dead, pulls his gun, and shoots Mia in the shoulder, then Ben in the leg, knocking them down. Victor’s two remaining men look to their boss for direction. Victor is furious.

VICTOR
Pick them up and bring them to the safe!

The men bring Ben and Mia to the safe, and stand them up in front of the door.

VICTOR
Open the f**king safe, right f**king now.

BEN
You know I could have killed Otto, but I decided to let your son live. You don’t have to do this.

Victor hits Ben in the back of the head with the pistol handle, knocking him to the ground. One of the men pulls him back up.

VICTOR
Open it.

MIA
Victor please.

Victor kidney-punches Mia in the back, dropping her. Ben is enraged. She is pulled back up, and Victor holds a gun directly to her temple.

VICTOR
One, Two, Three. If I get to five, I rip out your eyes, cut off your hands, and dump you in a meat grinder while you’re still alive. Four.

BEN
OK.

On the door are two biometric hand readers, Ben places his left hand in one, and Mia places her right hand in the other. The safe acknowledges them, and requests the eye scan. Ben looks into the scanner, and then Mia looks into the scanner.

After a pause, the massive double doors release and crack open with a slight hiss. Victor smiles.

VICTOR
There, was that so hard? By the way, that was a nice trick with the knives, Benjamin. Taught yourself some tricks, I see.

The safe is pitch black inside. Victor peers in, but cannot see.

[warrenP]

VICTOR
Where is the light, how do you turn on the lights?

BEN
It is another dual biometric lock in the back.

VICTOR
Fine, let’s get in there, and turn on the damn light.

Ben starts to walk into the safe, but Victor grabs his shoulder.

VICTOR
No, I go first, so I can see your silhouette in the doorway.

Victor motions to his two men to keep Ben and Mia covered from the other side. He opens the double doors wide, so they are all the way open, and takes a step backwards into the safe, not taking his eyes off Ben or Mia.

BEN
Victor

VICTOR
Shut up, we’re ending this now. You two, get in here.

Ben and Mia take a small step forward, Victor takes two more steps backwards, and then there is a sound of a loud thud, followed by a pain-filled groan from Victor. Victor’s two men are taken by surprise as Ben and Mia spin around and attack them.

Mia attacks with only one arm, as her other shoulder is covered in blood. But even with one arm, she unleashes a fury. With a series of punches and kicks, she has her opponent stunned. He gets a good punch to her that knocks her back a bit, which gives her the space she needs to unload a lethal kick to his head, his body limp before it hits the ground.

Ben isn’t quite as fast, with the slice in one leg and a gun shot in the other, but his powerful punches connect repeatedly. His opponent returns the fight, but gets distracted for a moment when he sees his friend go down. That moment is all Ben needs as he pulls one of his last knives out and slices his opponent’s neck.

Mia comes to Ben, and they hold each other for a brief moment. Ben limps over to the safe, leans inside the door, and flips the light switch on. Six feet in from the doorway is a huge hole in the floor, with Victor lying unconscious in the bottom of the pit.

BEN
I was trying to tell you to watch your step as*hole.

They pull Victor out of the hole, tape his mouth, and tie him to a chair. Over at the cabinets, they take out medical supplies and treat their many wounds as best as they can. In another cabinet is a fresh change of clothing, and new weapons. In a short while, they are looking good, Ben in a suit, Mia in a dress, like a couple on their way to dinner and the theater.

Victor groans over in the chair. Ben walks over to face him. Victor is clearly not pleased, very groggy, but he is awake.

BEN
How are you feeling? I’m a bit sore, pretty pissed off. But, as you can see, other than that, I’m doing all right. You know, I was seriously going to just lock you in the safe, and leave you there to starve and die. Instead, I’m going to let you go.

MIA
What?

BEN
Yep, I’m going to walk him to the door, and let him go.

MIA
No, we kill him right now.

BEN
What do you think Vic? Should I let you go?

Victor nods his head wearily. His eyes pleading with Mia.

MIA
Whatever.

Mia storms off and packs the rest of her supplies from the cabinets.

BEN
Tell you what Vic. I don’t want you to know what we’re doing, so I’m going to put these goggles on you, and pull the eyehole of the mask down over them. In a few minutes I’ll let you go.

Ben puts the military goggles over Victor’s eyes, and covers his head with a full facial mask. He pulls the eyehole area down and tucks it under the bottom of the mask, so Victor cannot see, and checks that his hands and legs are tied down well.

MIA
It’s the wrong move.

BEN
I don’t want to turn into him. I can’t kill him. Let’s get going.

They go into the safe, and come out with two duffel bags filled with money.

BEN
Now Vic, I’m going to cut you free from the chair, but you’re hands are going to stay tied behind your back. The mask stays on. I’ll point you in the right direction. Walk straight, and when you bump into the wall, find the door and out you go.

Victor nods. Ben cuts through the ropes that tie Victor to the chair, and directs him to the open door.

BEN
Good bye Victor. Say hello to Otto for me.

[warrenP]

EXT. FACTORY – DAY

Otto calls into his microphone, trying to get a hold of his father. After repeated attempts, he directs the remaining men to cover the door, and he takes position in the center.

INT. FACTORY

The door to the safe room opens, and Ben peeks out. No one is there. Mia comes out, and goes to the back of the building. Ben points Victor in the right direction, and follows after his wife.

Victor reaches the far side of the factory and bumps into a metal beam. It is the right height for him to use it to slide the mask up just a bit, so that he can see through the goggles. He sees the door and pushes it open.

EXT. FACTOR – DAY

Otto watches as the door opens, and a man comes bursting out. He is wearing full black military combat clothing, full head mask, and goggles.


OTTO
It’s Ben! Fire! Fire!



Victor’s eyes widen behind the goggles as he sees his son leveling a rifle towards him. The last thing he sees is the muzzle flash of his son’s gun.

The body drops to the ground, and the men stop firing. Otto walks up to the body, and pulls back the mask. He sees the dead eyes of his father staring up at him, with duct tape over his father’s mouth. He screams out in agony and confusion.

On the other side of the massive factory, a finely dressed couple walks off into the distance.

EXT. TROPICAL BEACH – DAY

Ben sits up in a beach lounger on the deck of their new home, as he watches Mia rise out of the ocean, dripping wet in her white bikini. He just watches her, eyes filled with love. When she reaches him, he stands up, and they go inside.

INT. BEACH HOUSE
Ben leads her to the bedroom, where he kisses her intensely. They roll onto the bed, her bikini top is thrown across the room, then his swimsuit flies to another part of the room, and finally her bikini bottom ends up thrown onto a chair.


MIA
I love you baby.

BEN
I know.



Ben looks her in the eye, and smiles.


BEN
It’s your birthday.



He slides down under the sheet. Mia closes her eyes and smiles.

FADE OUT

[warrenP]

My most sincere apologies for the formatting issues with the previous posts. It seems there is different built-in formatting for new posts, versus edited posts. The poster has been reported to the authorities, and has been sacked.

[ylekot43]

Wait -- I got knocked out? I was gonna' do a scene with me as the courtroom judge pissing on a flagpole. Love this post, but the timing is terrible for me --got a buddy getn married tomorrow -- so can't give this the time I wanted to. The sheer volume of the scene above warrants our attention. I just hope this is still going monday so I can exlude half of the evidentiary posts based on lack of proper foundation and hearsay.:D

[ihavebiglips]

Wait -- I got knocked out? I was gonna' do a scene with me as the courtroom judge pissing on a flagpole.

Nice. How does Bork figure into the piece?

[Jcorona]

It's . . . him! The P! The hardest worker on the planet. The P trains long hours and makes even loooooooooooooooooooooonger entrances into the ring. The people love 'im. He's the P'ples champ. His looooooooooooooooooooooong entrance alone is worth the free price of admission and half a dang point.

Unofficially: God's Gifts - 4; Hairy Backs - 4.

Anybody for some P, ladies?

Corona

[sc111]

Warren - like Mr & Mrs Smith vibe. Yeah, the action sequences could be nipped back a bit, that's a style thing.

I liked the "I love you" gag which was paid off with the "...you're slipping." I smiled there.

Thanks for playing.

[Charli]

jcaron - LOL at the little skit you had there. That was simply the BEST, was
so funny. Cool pages, sc and warren, I think we have proven that
women can write action as well and better than men. I think this has
been a fun contest and nice insight to how we define action.

[warrenP]

Warren - like Mr & Mrs Smith vibe. Yeah, the action sequences could be nipped back a bit, that's a style thing.

I liked the "I love you" gag which was paid off with the "...you're slipping." I smiled there.

Thanks for playing.

I always write sequences a bit long, just the style I've grown used to. I think Ben and Mia would kick The Smiths collective asses pretty easily - maybe I'll write that in!

Anyone catch the Return of the Jedi homage?

[warrenP]

It's . . . him! The P! The hardest worker on the planet. The P trains long hours and makes even loooooooooooooooooooooonger entrances into the ring. The people love 'im. He's the P'ples champ. His looooooooooooooooooooooong entrance alone is worth the free price of admission and half a dang point.

Unofficially: God's Gifts - 4; Hairy Backs - 4.

Anybody for some P, ladies?

Corona

Fess up, you know you didn't read the whole thing. Plus, we all know it isn't the length of the entrance that matters. :)

[theradicalone]

bottom line you write like a panda bear. you can't escape that fact. a freakin' panda bear is what you sound like. p-a-n-d-a b-e-a-r.

biatch --- bear. SNAP.

[Jcorona]

WarrenP, you're right. Ain't "reffed" your pages yet. Gotta wait for your challenger. ;)

Thanks, Charli.

God's Gifts?

Corona

[Harbinger]

Never written action before but thought I'd uhhh....'represent'. Been following this whole thread for a while and thought it'd be a good chance to, errm dip my wick in the world of action. Started it about three hours ago. Should be finished in the next hour.

Be gentle... it's my first time. There's a vague semblance of a plot line there, but it's really just a chance to write about Bullets and Backflips....... hey I found it's title!

EDIT: As a guy can I still post, or do I have to wait for a female challenger for Warren? If it helps in any way I'll wear a dress and speak in a high pitched voice... it'll just remind me of graduation day!

[sarajb]

Okay, here's another challenger. It's a seven page short in two parts. Thanks, again, sc! I took way longer than you and vig, probably 4 hours, altogether. It still feels rushed. :|


EXT. POLK HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Blue skies and sunshine. Old Glory flies taut in a stiff
wind.

The facade of the three-story brick institution stands in
after-hours quiet.

ON THE ROOFTOP

Past a ghost town of sheet metal structures, ANDY MERCER, boy
in black, holds the last toke of a joint. Long dark hair
blows over his face.

The wind carries faint sounds of a football team practicing.

Andy pinches the roach and shakily exhales.

He walks to the edge, brushing the hair from his eyes. His
face is puffy and red from a beating too recent for black and
blue.

ANDY
Get over it. Get over it.

He nearly starts to sob, but a blackbird catches his eye.

It circles him, then perches on an electrical wire

Andy climbs onto the ledge. He self-argues with a couple of
nods and head shakes, while slowly removing his belt.

He throws it over the line and surveys his destination, a
small building on the far side of the practice field.

He squeezes his eyes-

TO BLACK

A grunt followed by the sound of Andy zipping down the wire.

The coaches' whistle and barks fade in then out.

COACH STETSON (O.S.)
Don't waste my time running drills
like a pvssy, Hamil, hit him like a
stepkid! Get back on the line.
(to someone else)
Run it, again, champ.

The belt's friction pitch gets higher. He's picking up speed.

Andy opens his eyes to see-

A METAL POLE

He lets go too late, crashes head first and crumples to the
rooftop.

ANDY
Ow, ow, fvcking ow.

The blackbird flies onto a skylight a few yards away. Caw Caw
Caw.

ANDY
Shut up, sky rat.

The bird takes off.

Andy dabs sweat with his shirt bottom. On his chest are crude
sex drawings and the phrase "Art f@g" in black permanent
marker.

ANDY
Okay, I'm over it.

In a textbook crouch, he creeps to the edge.

The team heads for the locker room below him.

Andy rushes to the skylight, but what was that? He doubles
back a step to see someone left behind a utility belt.

He takes inventory, hammer, wire ties, a can of -

ANDY
Wasp killer! You do love me.

Andy puts on the belt and works the skylight bubble with the
pry end of the hammer.



INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY

The upper classmen click comfortably. DORSEY, all-American
@sshole, guffaws at the joke he just told.

DORSEY
Right? Am I right?

Encouraging laughter from his counterparts.

Three freshmen, including HAMIL, sit obediently on the bench,
helmet and all.

UNOCCUPIED COVE OF LOCKERS

Andy times his drop from the ceiling with another Dorsey joke
... and waits.

A SHORT WHILE LATER

Andy peers around the corner of the locker cell to where the
action is.

Most of the guys are dressed in their street clothes with wet
hair, except Dorsey and the freshmen.

HAMIL
Come on, Dorsey.

Dorsey slowly peels his last sock off.

DORSEY
Mind your mouth, limpdick, or it'll
be dark before you and your pals
can play drop the soap.

The upper classmen laugh and trickle out.

Hamil opens his locker and looks like he's been punched in
the gut.

Andy sees why. A 5x7 standard school picture of a pretty girl
taped inside. It's marked up much like Andy's chest.

Hamil tries to rip it down.

DORSEY
(laughing)
Leave it and bring me a towel.

Dorsey pads to the showers.

Andy follows, pressing the power button on an unattended
boombox. Korn's Coming Undone blasts.

He nods hello to the three freshmen on his way through.

They look puzzled at one another.

SHOWERS

Dorsey lathers up facing the wall.

Andy enters twirling a towel. He grabs the tail and SNAP!

Dorsey yelps like a girl. Bonus.

DORSEY
What the fvck!
(turns)
Art f@g. You got balls. Not for
long, th--

Tile explodes near Dorsey's face.

The hammer sticks inches from his head.

DORSEY
You're fvcking dead.

Andy laughs, whips out the wasp killer and a lighter. Before
Dorsey can process, Andy torches an outline around him.

Water droplets sizzle and pop. Dorsey's scared stiff.

The freshmen stand in the doorway with holy-sh!t eyes. Andy
looks over his shoulder. They back out of sight.

He throws a wire tie at Dorsey's feet.

ANDY
Attach your right wrist to the hand
rail.

He immediately obeys, fumbling, babbling.

DORSEY
Revenge. I can understand that.

ANDY
It's not revenge.
(considers)
It'll look like revenge.

DORSEY
Jus, Just beat me up and get it
over with.

ANDY
Sorry, doesn't work that way.

DORSEY
Look, look, look, obviously you
have the upper hand here. I mean,
bound and naked, right? Whatever
you want, I can get it for you,
Andy. It's Andy, right? Money.
Girls. Drugs. Artists do drugs,
right? Anything. Name it. I have
it.

Dorsey pulls the tie tight. Andy moves in with another.

ANDY
You have nothing. You're a walking
void feeding on anyone with
substance.

DORSEY
You don't know me.

ANDY
I know you. I was you, 'til
emptiness drove me off a cliff.
fvcking hate heights. Sadistic
bastard.
(comes back to earth)
Face the wall and hold your left
hand by the rail.

[sarajb]

Confused and freaked, Dorsey takes a swing. Andy ducks,
effortless. When he comes up his elbow connects with Dorsey's
jaw, then his gut, twice.

Dorsey wheezes, out of wind.

ANDY
Hold your left hand by the rail.

Andy doesn't resist a smirk, attaching the other hand.

COACH STETSON (O.S.)
Hey! That don't sound like AC/DC!

The music cuts out.

Andy makes himself seen in the entryway. He puts on victim
face and backs into the wall, eyes pleading with the coach.

The freshmen scatter.

Coach Stetson looks the other way and heads for the door.

COACH STETSON (O.S.)
When you're done in there, champ,
help me bring the cones in. I wanna
talk about Saturday's game.

ANDY
(Dorsey's voice)
Sure thing, coach.

Dorsey goes ghost white.

ANDY
So predictable.

Andy picks up the towel and dries Dorsey's backside, then
pops the top off a big fat black Sharpie marker.

He begins scribbling. Dorsey struggles.

ANDY
I will shove this up your ass.

He stops struggling and starts to cry. It doesn't take long
for Andy to create a masterpiece.

Dorsey's ass is shown being invaded by aliens with huge
dicks. On his back it says, "Art F@g's bitch".

ANDY
Okay.

Dorsey slides to the floor, his hands still imprisoned
overhead.

Andy lifts his shirt.

ANDY
Mine's way better than yours, don't
you think?

DORSEY
(entirely beaten)
I'm just one guy, Andy. You can't
really save them, you know. I'm
just one guy.

ANDY
I'm only here to save one guy.

Andy now looks on Dorsey with such compassion. For a split
second they connect, but Dorsey turns away.

ANDY
Give it time.

Andy leaves him there.

LOCKER ROOM

The freshmen scatter, again.

Andy passes a mirror. The reflection is not the skinny boy in
black, but a buff Adonis, not unlike Dorsey.

He walks toward the door and just...disappears.



INT. SUSAN B. ANTHONY HIGH - PRINCIPAL WALKER'S OFFICE - DAY

A reception desk has a small sign that says, "Back in ten
minutes"

A blackbird lands on a branch dancing in the wind outside the
window.

Andy materializes in the guest chair. He looks entirely
different, glasses, button-up shirt, but it's Andy.

He feels the glasses, then reaches for his heart and finds a
pocket protector. Just as he feared.

ANDY
(groans)
Hello, swirlee.

The door opens. MRS. KENNEDY, blue-haired receptionist, sees
Andy and squeals.

MRS. KENNEDY
Oh, my, you must be Andrew. We're
so fortunate to have you here at
Susan B. Anthony. Now...

She squeezes into her chair, pulling his file.

MRS. KENNEDY
First things first. We need to find
you a hall buddy. You must never be
without your hall buddy. I was
thinking Miles Neidermeier. He's in
the chess club, too.

Presses a button on the phone.

MRS. KENNEDY
Ms. Walker? Come out and meet our
new A+ student.

Andy gives the bird a deadpan glare. It takes flight.

Fade out.

Caw Caw Caw

[sarajb]

I think I'm finally caught up on all the reading in this thread.

Lips: Very good action. She chopped off his arm, lol. Unexpected. I love that he still wanted her back.

Amanda: I like your action, too. The whole thing was really well written and has a great tone. Is it part of something bigger or not? It could work either way.

Charli: Your style is so sparse. It makes for a great pace. I tend to be wordy. :| Anyway, good job. I really liked the nose bit.

Sc111: You created a very specific world with situations and complicated circumstances in record time. Nice. I have to say, when I read this:

BILLIE-JO
There’s my guy. Did you pack like I told you?

I thought the dog was going to fetch a gun.

Vig: I always love your description. The action has a good pace, too. I have to agree with whoever said the dialogue was not witty in this one, but then it’s not a dialogue challenge, is it.

Warren: Honestly, you could cut 60% of this and not lose anything. I like the story, otherwise, especially Ben and Mia’s relationship. Good emotion.

Who am I missing?

So far, I think my favorite read was sc’s, fwiw.

EDIT: Harbinger - post. :)

[Jcorona]

Championship rounds!

The P and sarahj(a)b aka "The jab" face each other in the center of the ring and take instructions from Jcorona. Rumor has it, they've fought before and the jab seeks revenge.

The P drops his long robe. His arms are so long, his gloves touch the ground and he sports long shorts or floodin' pants whichever way you wanna look at 'em and the hair on his back drags like a dinosaur's tail.

Jcorona
I expect a good clean figh --

The fighters swat Jcorona out of the way. No fair in these fighters' fight.

The P whips around and slashes the jab with the hair from his back.

The jab snatches it, braids it in a heartbeat and swings the P out of the ring twenty rows deep.

The jab raises her arms in victory.

SMACK! The P thrusts a straight loooooooooooooooong right hand from his seat in the stands and knocks the jab out of the ring.

DING DING!

2 points each!

God's Gifts - 6; Hairy Backs - 6

Harbinger, step on up!

Corona :)

[sc111]

Sara - nice work. I liked the twilight zone twist at the end.

And thanks for your suggestion on my pages.

I guess we could keep the challenge open for those who want to post pages.

[Jcorona]

Oops, sorry sc111. You did set the deadline for midnight Saturday. My work here is done. I really really enjoyed all of your work. Some more than others. Since I was the neutral ref, I can't tell you which ones and you'll never know.;)

All I can say is that y'all came through under pressure big-time.

Now let the real scoring begin! Me? You'll never know!!!!

Thanks for letting me in on all the fun even though I was too chicken to enter.

Corona :)

[Harbinger]

Argghhhhh can't do that to me ....I'm posting in thiry minutes. Dozed off last night.

I'd play the whole Timezone-I'm-in-England card, but unfortunately we're ahead of you and that would make my entry later still.

Anyway extend it to Sunday, otherwise I'm gonna find a clock tower and go up there armed with a potato gun sniper rifle!

Some people are in for a right potato'in!

[Jcorona]

Harbinger, sorry, bro'! I logged back in to post specifically to you and you had already posted. I swear. I forgot to tell you I look forward to reading your pages and I'm sure the true scorers'll count your work.

Corona :)

[sarajb]

Corona, thanks for manifesting the bouts and adding a lot of fun to the challenge. :D

Harbinger, by all means, post! I'm sure someone will step up to challenge.

[Jcorona]

Thanks, sarajb and thanks again for all the kind words that have been thrown my way and might be thown my way. Now I'll step waaaaay back and let the talent be in the forefront like it should be and be judged :devil:.

Corona

[Harbinger]

Alright well continuing on even though the contests finished -think of me as the Boxer wannabee who jumps into the ring after the event and tries to bite Mike Tyson's ear off just to tell all his friends- Here's my entry.

As I said first ever action orientated script. I was out of my comfort zone so feel free to judge harshly! It's fun and cheesy. There's afair bit of action, but then it gets a bit talky, but I had to tie it all up in the end.

I broke many of my own scriptwritting commandments, but I figure screw it. This is just for fun. Hope you like it.

Oh and it's 6 pages in FD....sorry :). It's in the next post

Oh and there's roughly a billion punctuation errors. Don't have my punctuation head on today.

[Harbinger]

OBLIVION by Harbinger



FADE IN:

EXT. CHAPEL - NIGHT

A quaint old chapel nestled snugly within the modernity of
high rise office blocks.

At the foot of the chapel steps, suited AGENTS train their
guns upwards at the entrance. Behind them, unmarked black
SUV's are spread out across the street. Agents use their open
doors for cover. Snipers are positioned on rooftops.

INT. CHAPEL - NIGHT

The SENATOR, a distinguished gentleman with wispy strands of
grey hair, walks to the front of the chapel. He kneels at the
foot of an altar, beneath an immense stained glass window.

A door opens on one side of the chapel. A dark figure in long
black priest robes steps out and walks down the aisle. PRIEST
has pale skin and long dark hair that hides his eyes. His
walk is slow, sombre and deliberate.

The Senator flinches with each step, but doesn't turn around.

PRIEST
You were supposed to be alone,
Senator.

Priest stands behind him. The senator shrouded in his shadow.

SENATOR
In my position privacy is not a
luxury I can afford. Or one that is
afforded me. I ordered them to stay
outside.
(sighs, bows head)
Where is she?

PRIEST
Your daughter is safe. It was never
about her.

Priest sweeps back his robes to reveal two thigh holstered
guns. He draws both weapons.

The senator glances at Priest's shadow cast across the wood
panel floor. His eyes focus on the silhouette of two guns as
they're pressed to his temples.

SENATOR
Do I have time to say a prayer?

PRIEST
It won't do you any good. Believe
me.

Priest fires both guns. A explosion of blood and gun smoke.
Before the senator's body hits the ground, Priest is already
moving as--

--The chapel doors burst open. Suited agents swarm in. They
take one look at the Senator's body and open fire.

Priest dives backwards over the altar, kicks off of it and
back flips upwards. In mid air, he fires off a barrage of
shots towards the chapel doors.

Five agents bodies hit the floor. An ecstasy of chaotic
fumbling as the remaining agents dive for cover.

Priest lands crouched on one knee behind the altar. He
holsters both guns.

A moment of eerie serenity. The calm before the storm.

Priest darts out from behind the altar. He forward flips on
to one of the church pews, avoiding a hail of bullets. He
runs along the thin back beam of the pew and launches upwards
to the chapel's side balcony.

He grips the balcony ledge and flips upwards as a wall of
bullets narrowly misses him and strike---

--a large stone effigy of Jesus on the cross. The bullets
crack hard into the stone Jesus's head. Half the face
crumbles and falls away.

Priest takes cover behind a pillar. He looks across at the
crumbled face of the statue.

PRIEST
Turn the other cheek, Father.

He draws both guns and he's moving again. Fast. His black
robes a blur of shadow. He leaps off the balcony.

Agents, armed with uzi's, fire upwards at him. An
indiscriminate spray of bullets.

The statue takes the brunt. The hail of bullets sever one of
Jesus's stone arms. The weight of the stone does the rest.
The statue cracks, crumbles and comes crashing down around--

--Priest as he lands amongst the raining rubble. He rolls to
cover behind another pillar. The gunfire ceases.

PRIEST
Smash a mirror and seven years bad
luck.

He glances down at the remains of Jesus's statue.

PRIEST
You, gentleman, are in a whole
world of ****.

He spins outwards from the pillar, both guns trained towards
the chapel entrance. A millisecond to select his targets,
then fires.

Four bodies and four uzi's, hit the ground. The remaining
agents look lost.

Priest takes his chance. He runs full speed towards another
pillar, launches off of it and smashes through the large
stained glass window.

As he falls through the air, he swivels, onto his back,
snatches glass shards out of the air and sends them spinning
back the way he came.

Two agents recoil backwards as the glass shards imbed in
their shooting hands.

EXT. CHAPEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

Priest twists his body to land. He hits the ground running.
Bullets rain down around him from--

--snipers positioned on the surrounding rooftops.

Priest jumps up onto one of the grave side Angel statues and
runs across the tops of the tombstones. He never stumbles,
his movement smooth and fluid like liquid silk.

He reaches the edge of the graveyard and vaults the tall
stone wall that leads onto the--

EXT. HIGH STREET - NIGHT

Before Priest hits the ground, a car slams into him. He
ricochets off the hood and spins in midair, altering his
trajectory to the adjoining lane, directly into the path of--

--A trailer truck coming the other way. He spins his body,
feet first, springboards off of the hood of the truck and
lands on the roof of the car in front.

The car's driver slams the brakes and spins the vehicle in
the middle of the road. Priest stays balanced on the roof.

The truck behind screeches to a halt and jackknifes across
the street. The trailer spins out from the side, detaches
from the truck cab and slams into the side of the car.

Priest is knocked flying backwards off the roof. He hits the
ground hard and slides across the concrete. He rolls to
absorb the impact and draws both guns, pointed towards--

--A car speeding directly at him. The car brakes in time.
Tires screech.

[Harbinger]

OBLIVION Cont.


Priest keeps his guns trained on the car as the driver door
opens. His eye is momentarily drawn to a flashing red light
on the car roof. He relaxes his guns a little.

DETECTIVE HERRERA, 32, A hard-faced, Hispanic woman, steps
out of the car. Her badge hangs from a chain around her neck.
She keeps her gun trained on Priest at all times.

HERRERA
Drop the gun, Father.

Priest glances at her badge. He places his guns on the
ground. Herrera steps over him and kicks both guns away.

She reaches into her car and grabs the police radio. Priest
sits up. He clutches his bloody arm.

PRIEST
Detective, Herrera

She pauses, the radio to her lips. She slowly turns.

PRIEST
Do you know what oblivion is?

Herrera mouth opens, but nothing comes out. Speechless and
confused that this stranger knows her name

PRIEST
Some say it's the absence of
everything. A common mistake.

Herrera leans against the hood of the car, standing over him.

PRIEST
It is the state of forgetting. The
point at which something becomes
less than a memory.

Priest grunts with pain. Blood seeps from his lips.

PRIEST
You have no idea how much your kind
totter on the brink of it. Every
single day.

He lets go of his wounded arm. A stream of blood.

PRIEST
And how much my kind sacrifice to
ensure it never happens.

HERRERA
Your kind?

He eyes the crucifix hanging from the chain of her badge.

PRIEST
The virtuous. The divine.

Herrera snarls. She glances at the shattered chapel window.

HERRERA
And the Senator? A father. A family
man. Where was your virtue then?

PRIEST
The righteous are only as strong as
the furthest point they are willing
to match the action of their enemy.

HERRERA
Fire with fire.

Priest genuinely smiles for the first time.

PRIEST
You are weak, Detective. Because
you seek to preserve life. You're
unwilling to do what has to be
done. So I have to take that will
from you.

He stares directly into her eyes.

PRIEST
I can't allow you to take me in.

Herrera's body twitches and convulses. Her eye's glaze over.
Robotically, she raises the gun and points it at his head.

PRIEST
Oblivion, Detective Herrera. In
time all this will be forgotten.

Herrera's trigger finger twitches.

A single gunshot echoes in the streets.

EXT. CHAPEL - NIGHT

A small suited man, KESLER, casually steps over agents dead
bodies as he walks down the chapel steps towards a black SUV.

INT. SUV - NIGHT

Kesler slides into the backseat beside SILVERTOP, A sliver
haired silver-tongued man of power. The nameless, faceless
man behind the man. Kesler never looks him in the eye.

KESLER
We'll postpone the speech. Call it
a day of mourning.

SILVERTOP
No! The speech is meaningless. It's
our actions that will speak the
loudest.

He glances out of the window as an ambulance speeds past.

SILVERTOP
We can not be seen to be weak in
the eyes of our enemies.

KESLER
And what of the loss of life?

SILVERTOP
Collateral damage, Mr Kesler.

The privacy window slides down. A female DRIVER, jet black
hair and pale complexion stares through unnaturally dark
eyes, at the suited men through the rearview mirror.

DRIVER
Gentleman, do you know what
oblivion is?

EXT. SUV - NIGHT

The SUV jolts forwards, speeding into the distance until it
becomes just another speck of light in the darkness

FADE OUT:

[Qazworld]

i know this is waaaay late, but what the hell. it's all for fun anyways, right? :)

i only got some free time now. so here we go (i did this while eating godiva dark chocolate ice cream, in case any1 was wondering):




A TEAR

Streams down ISABELLE COSTELLO's (28) cheek.

HENRY (O.S.)
What's the matter b1tch?



INT. A CELL - NIGHT

The barrel of a 10mm Glock is shoved inside of her mouth.

HENRY
You like it. Admit it, you lil
cvnt.

Isabelle stares at another man, JESSE (30s), pleading with her big
brown eyes. She bites down on the gun.

JESSE
Henry, careful man.

HENRY (40s) wiggles the gun loose, playfully twirling it
inside of her mouth.

HENRY
You got such beautiful lips. Mmmm.
Absolutely fvckin' gorgeous.

He grabs her head and strokes her hair. Sliding the gun back
and forth inside of her mouth. Isabelle keeps her eyes on
Jesse.

JESSE
Dude...

HENRY
Relax, man. We got her loaded up on
enough tranqs. The b1tch'll be
quiet.

He smacks his lips as blood runs out of Isabelle's nose. She
keeps staring at Jesse.

HENRY
How's that feel, b1tch?

Isabelle smiles.

HENRY
Wha-

BAAANG!

Jesse blasts a hole in Henry's temple!

Isabelle keeps her eyes fixed on him. He raises his gun to
his chest. Gritting his teeth-

BAAANG!

He's down.

She's breathing heavily. Sweat and blood drip down her face.
She tries to get up.

A shrill, penetrating BUZZING floors her once again.

She grips her head in absolute agony.

CHRISTOPHER, 30s, walks in holding a small remote.

CHRISTOPHER
(over Buzzing)
Hello, Isabelle.

He squats down in front of her.

CHRISTOPHER
This is a bit of a surprise. You're
somewhat stronger than we thought.

He presses a button on the remote, and the BUZZING gets
louder.

CHRISTOPHER
Annoying sound, isn't it?

Her body is shaking uncontrollably. Convulsing.

CHRISTOPHER
Annoying for us, regular human folk.
But for someone like you, it's like
drilling nails into all your pain receptors.
And then pulling them out.
And then back in again.

She SCREAMS.

He turns it off for a moment. Let's her catch her breath.

She stares at him-

CHRISTOPHER
And again.

He cranks it up.

CHRISTOPHER
You'll obey us, or you'll end up killing
yourself, cheri. You starting to
understand?

Isabelle mouths something.

CHRISTOPHER
What?

He turns it down just a bit.

And she smiles.

ISABELLE
Heh.

On the floor, Jesse has his gun raised at Christopher's head.

ISABELLE
(gasping)
He's...still....

BANG!

He blows Christopher's brains out and collapses back to the
floor.

ISABELLE
...breathing.

The BUZZING continues.

Isabelle rests her head on the concrete floor, closes her
eyes, and smiles.

[ihavebiglips]

So... um... who's judging this bitch? Any hermaphrodites in the house? (I was joking about all that... I'm a lumberjack).

[Harbinger]

Dunno about the judging, but I'm still willing to wear a dress if it helps the battle of the sexes side of the challenge. I'll even become irrational and emotional about my weight and lose all ability to parallel park.....if it'll help.

I fear I just lost the female vote on that one.

[ihavebiglips]

Dunno about the judging, but I'm still willing to wear a dress if it helps the battle of the sexes side of the challenge. I'll even become irrational and emotional about my weight and lose all ability to parallel park.....if it'll help.

I fear I just lost the female vote on that one.

Or the contigent of fat men that are parellel parking-impaired.

[sarajb]

/parks on Harbinger's foot

Qaz, it's really short, but the mind over matter take is pretty cool and written well, too.

Harbinger, yours is a very close second to SC's. My only complaint, Herrera is intro'd too late. edit - I changed my mind about that. She initially seemed more central to me, but on a reread I see it differently. The rhyming is getting annoying. It's unintentional, I swear. :|

(yeah, overcame all those irrational implules just to say that, lol)

[Harbinger]

/parks on Harbinger's foot

Qaz, it's really short, but the mind over matter take is pretty cool and written well, too.

Harbinger, yours is a very close second to SC's. My only complaint, Herrera is intro'd too late.

(yeah, overcame all those irrational implules just to say that, lol)

OW!

Yeah that's true about Herrera's intro.

In the first draft (around 7 and a half pages) She's intro'ed right at the start. The SUV's are spread across the street and police cars are used to block off the roads. One of the police cars is Herrera's. There's an exchange of dialogue indicating She's kinda pissed that these agents are wading in on her turf.

Then when we see her later it's more of an 'Ahhh that's where she comes in', But I felt I needed to edit it down. It is an action script challenge after all. I wanted to get down to, at the most, 6 pages.

Still, glad you liked it.

I've still got to get round to reading all the new posted ones.

[Harbinger]

Or the contigent of fat men that are parellel parking-impaired.

:D Yup them too.

[sarajb]

Well, edit my edit.

[Harbinger]

/parks on Harbinger's foot

Qaz, it's really short, but the mind over matter take is pretty cool and written well, too.

Harbinger, yours is a very close second to SC's. My only complaint, Herrera is intro'd too late. edit - I changed my mind about that. She initially seemed more central to me, but on a reread I see it differently. The rhyming is getting annoying. It's unintentional, I swear. :|

(yeah, overcame all those irrational implules just to say that, lol)

No you were right. As I said, that's how I had it before.

There are a few lines that make more sense on a reread though. Once you realize Priest is more than he seems, the part where Senator asks if he may pray takes on a different meaning.

ohhh and Iwas disappointed you didn't ryhme anything with 'Swear'.

[ihavebiglips]

I vote for me.

[Mark Twain Weck]

Harb,

I liked it. All the jumping around reminded of the opening of that Lara Croft thing. And you say you've never written action. Yeah, sure. Welcome to your new genre, I say.

Can't wait to see how jcorona scores it.



P.S. Male chauvanist pig joke of the week.

Q. Why do women have PMS?

A. Mad cow disease was taken.:rolling:

C'mon girls. Big comeback now.

[Qazworld]

this was a really fun idea btw.

im glad so many ppl did this.

thanx lips and sc, for getting the ball rolling.

[Harbinger]

Harb,

I liked it. All the jumping around reminded of the opening of that Lara Croft thing. And you say you've never written action. Yeah, sure. Welcome to your new genre, I say.

Can't wait to see how jcorona scores it.



P.S. Male chauvanist pig joke of the week.

Q. Why do women have PMS?

A. Mad cow disease was taken.:rolling:

C'mon girls. Big comeback now.

:rolling: We're gonna have a fearful, bra-burning-backlash!

Ohh and funny you should mention the Lara Croft thing. Film was on yesterday. Maybe that's where part of it came from....

...Although I was too busy drooling over Miss Jolie to watch it properly. Maybe on a subconcious level.

Anyway, glad you liked it and I must admit I enjoyed the action side of things. I'm not a huge action film fan so I don't write much of it, but it's kind of cathartic.

[Harbinger]

this was a really fun idea btw.

im glad so many ppl did this.

thanx lips and sc, for getting the ball rolling.

Oh and whole heartedly agreed!

[sc111]

Harbinger & Qaz. Nice work. Thanks for joining in!

:)

[warrenP]

Had fun all, thanks!

[amandag]

Yeah, this was awesome! I'm behind on the rest of the reads, Sara, Qaz, Warren and Harbinger--can't wait to look at your pages!!

(BTW, Thanks for the props, Sara. Mine's the first 5 pages of a would-be feature.:))

[Harbinger]

Okay I'm procrastinatin' like mad here (ewww)....So here's my take on the entrants. In order of posting.


Biglips - (cut and paste of original comment)

I particulary like that Sam fumbled the grenade.

Women can't catch! Truth!

There should have been something in there about bad map-reading on Sam's part (and to redress the balance refusal by Amanda to ask directions), but other than that, spot on. Very well wriiten and enjoyable to read. I always like the old role reversal comedy.

Amanda -

This is how I'd like to write action. It's succinct and extremely visual. When I said I wasn't used to writing action this is exactly what I meant. Quite a few of the lines in my script were two lines long.

This is is the way to write action that I need to learn. Visual, lean and straight to the point. If the others don't mind me saying, this is the best written entrant (apart from mine of course.....ahem).

Charli -

I got a proper Tarantino vibe with this (and, for once, I don't mean that as an insult). It's very lean in the action, descriptions only used when absolutely necessary. As such it flows really well. An easy read. Good stuff, Baby cakes....................sorry :)

Loved the 'Bloody nose' Line.

For some reason I got a Cannonball Run vibe. The two hot chicks in tight catsuits driving the lamborghini............mmmmmm...... where was I?

YLEKOT43 -

Run...run for your life!

I particulary like the bit where Arnie just shoots their knee caps, cause he's told not to kill them. Great special effects too.

SC11 -

I enjoyed this as a set up. In fact I was kind of disappointed when I found out it wasn't a short with a conclusion...but that's a compliment. Because I was eager to read on.

It's well written, as I'd expect, and entertaining. I have to say something though. A part that threw me.

MAN
Cigarette?

LANCE
Sorry. Last one.

MAN
I should quit anyway … how’s Kate doing?

Then he flips out on the guy. I couldn't work out why. How does he know this isn't a concerned friend from college. A boyfriend she hasn't told him about. I think you need more of an indication of this guy's motive. A nasty smile. Dialogue that suggests that he had something to do with what happened.

Something like the man walking up to the small glass window of Kate's door, pressing his hand on the glass and saying 'The streets aren't a safe place anymore, Mr Colby.' then 'How's kate doing?'

That way I'd think 'Hang on he knows Lance's name,but lance dosen't know him. He's mentioned Kate and the danger of the streets...ahh he has something to do with what happened'.

Anyway I hate to have a note of negativity here, but it's because this is one of my favourites and that just threw me right at the end. Great stuff though.

Vig -

This isn't bad for 23 minutes. It's not your best by any means, but then I'm guessing stoned, eating carrot cake is exactly condusive to a writers work....or maybe it is.

Either way, great action as normal, visual and succinct. Makes you look past the PAINFULLY cheesy dialogue....but I think you knew that. IT's an action challenge after all.

Warren -

It's very over-written (as I think you know) but entertaining stuff. I didn't stumble once and it definitely smacks of someone who a) knows what they're talking about in terms of Weapons/gadgets and b) may have played Splinter Cell/Metal Gear one too many times :)

I also got an Ecks Vs Sever vibe, though I'm not sure why. I liked it. It's a good opening with the envelope and the surrounded building...sets you up for a fair old rumble. Good stuff.

Sara -

Excellently written. I really liked this. I'm not really a fan of the whole bully revenge thing normally. There's a lot of it about, but this is a different take. This is one of my favourites....but...and this is frustrating...

I count myself as quite an intelligent person, but try as I might I couldn't pinpoint exactly what happened at the end. (although I kind of liked that. It meant rereading and looking for clues).

My theory is...

Andy was once a bully. He drove/dived off a cliff depressed at what he'd done to people. He was reincarnated through the blackbird (a la The Crow) with his whole purpose to assume Geeky personas at different schools and teaching bullies, like he used to be, the error of their ways.

Either way I had fun reading and rereading to work it out. There's a few nice dialogue clues in there. The kind that make you stop and go 'ahhhhh....I see......oooo why'd he say that' (although maybe not that camp). Great stuff.

Dorsey's ass is shown being invaded by aliens with huge
dicks. On his back it says, "Art F@g's bitch".

Heyyyyy Iwas thinking of getting a tattoo....what do you think?

Harbinger -

Genius. Absolute genius. Here's a million. Go spend it as you will. The winner *trumpet fanfare* A champions parade. Elephants. Clowns........ yadda yadda yadda ......you get the idea

Qazworld -

Good stuff. Very short, but sweet (well sweet in a kind of brains blown out kind of way). Nice conclusion to the scene. I swear I've met a girl like Isabelle before. You can tell by the sudden emptyness of your wallet!



Well that's everyone. There was a really high standard of work here. Happy to be part of it.

Keep on trucking..... I still have no idea what that means. :)

[sc111]

Harb- Thanks for your comments. I probably will beef up that exchange however you asked:

Then he flips out on the guy. I couldn't work out why. How does he know this isn't a concerned friend from college. A boyfriend she hasn't told him about. I think you need more of an indication of this guy's motive. A nasty smile. Dialogue that suggests that he had something to do with what happened.


I into'd the guy as in his 60s and looking like a homeless person. So I'd think Lance - after being told this was a hit attempt - may assume the guy is reaching for a weapon when he puts his hand inside the jacket after mentioning Kate's name.

But if this wasn't clear I'll have to rewrite. :)

[Harbinger]

Harb- Thanks for your comments. I probably will beef up that exchange however you asked:

Then he flips out on the guy. I couldn't work out why. How does he know this isn't a concerned friend from college. A boyfriend she hasn't told him about. I think you need more of an indication of this guy's motive. A nasty smile. Dialogue that suggests that he had something to do with what happened.


I into'd the guy as in his 60s and looking like a homeless person. So I'd think Lance - after being told this was a hit attempt - may assume the guy is reaching for a weapon when he puts his hand inside the jacket after mentioning Kate's name.

But if this wasn't clear I'll have to rewrite. :)

It's not immediately clear... although part of that was obviously definitely my fault. Somewhere along the line, during reading, my visual of the man in his 60's popped out of my head. sO not a college friend then. I dropped the ball there. My bad :)

I still think, as I said, you need a more menacing line from the Man though. Something strangely disturbing and dripping with subtext. This is a point for us, as the reader/audience to really get a jolt. That kind of 'Hey didn't see that coming'.

[amandag]

Okay, I’m inspired by Harbinger’s wonderful feedback on every entry. Harb, I aspire to that level of detailed feedback (but I am lame). BTW, thanks so much for your compliments. :)

My catch up:

YLEKOT43—Well-done. Sevoo is a universal fear. Props for letting that speak for itself.

Warren: I liked it. Agree that it can be consolidated, but I love the combo of sweet nothings with blow-ups. Way to juxtapose. Plus you get uber points for work-ethic.

Sara: Awesome job. Wicked easy to read. Totally engaging.

Harbinger: Great story. Love the guns coming out of the Priest’s robes. Great visual and unexpected. Delicious.

Qaz, nice! Love hardcore stuff like this. Really slick and concise, too.

Corona--Way to ref. Any time any challenge, you're hired in my book.

Thanks again Sc111 for proposing this. It was a blast!

[sarajb]

Thanks amanda and harbinger! I really appreciate your input and kindness. Btw, harbinger, you understood it just fine. I would just add that it's showing Dorsey the error of his ways and it's also giving him the ability to fill the void. However if it took more than one read to get it all, I have some work to do. It helps to know, truly. :)

[warrenP]

My quick little summary:

Lips: Great way to kick this thing off. Funny, fast, and very well done.

Amanda: Like the mood, and would enjoy reading more of the story. Felt more mystery/thrillerish to me than action.

Corona: Way to wuss out of the whole contest by becoming the "referee". Next challenge, I think you have to go first!

Charli: The brevity is great, a complete ying-yang from those "other" writers who seem to drone on, and on, and on, and on...

SC: I'm curious to learn how the open fits with the rest of the story, do you have a logline for this?

Warren: What are you writing? A script or a novel? Pick one, and stick with it for crying out loud. Of course, it was, by far, the best story, plus you were the only one to get sex into the challenge! PS - you write like a Panda Bear.

Sara: Very twight zoney, like Amanda's felt more thrillerish than actionish, but also like hers, I'd really like to read more.

Harb: I like where the story is headed, the opening sequence is fun, moves quick. Very nice.

Qaz: Short, and I like the mind power as weapon concept. There was a very good X-Files with this idea. I do want to see her do some damage directly as well.