The Best Contest Ever - An Xmas Special

[Qazworld]

topic:

santa claus has to take mrs. claus to the gynecologist.

due: 12/18 @ midnight CST.

length: 5 pages.

bestwriterever and thesilversurfer are already in for this, and if anyone else wants to join the fun, feel free.

[thesilversurfer]

"I SHOULDA HAVE SENT BLITZEN”

FADE IN:

EXT. THE NORTH POLE - DAY

A blanket of compacted snow shaped in a rectangle. We pick up a red Bocce Ball as it arcs into the air... then smacks down to the ground and skids right up to another ball.

ELF
Let’s see you beat that
Saint dick.

Meet the Elf’s, best bocce ball player, PETER the Elf, smirking, three-feet tall, with a ten gallon Cowboy hat fastened around his face by a chin strap. He’s wearing chaps with no back. Two, tiny butt cheeks are frosted red. Miniature green cowboy boots finish off his ensemble….

PETER
Thought so, snap.

He spins around then raises his hands above his head doing the Rocky Balboa, soaking in the CHEERS. As we slowly pan back to bleacher seating -- the entire Elf community is going wild.

Next to Peter the Elf is SANTA, a flask in one hand, no shirt, his enormous belly bulges out like an air balloon.

SANTA
You little miniature Village person,
you’re cheating.

PETER THE ELF
Have another one Pops – now
where’s my c-note.

Pissed off Santa, fishes into his red trousers, first one pocket, then the other.

SANTA
I – I musta --

Just as a soothing, old voice bails him out….

MRS. CLAUSE
Dear. Oh Santa… can you get the slay
ready…. We certainly don’t want to
miss our appointment.

Meet WENDY CLAUSE, homely looking was ten exits ago, she must be a thousand years old, hair curlers wrap around grey twisted hair, legs like 2x8s, waves to Santa.

Santa hides the flask behind his fat layered back.

SANTA
Of course dear.

Peter giggles, Santa grits his teeth at him.

SANTA
Get the reindeer ready you midget.

EXT. SLEY - AIRBORNE

A pack of reindeer fly, led by Rudolf. Wendy Clause is wearing a grin. Santa’s not.

WENDY
This is exciting, a chance for us
to rekindle our love. To get back
on that horse.

She squeezes his arm, and puts her head on his shoulder. Santa rolls his eyes as Peter snickers, his hands on the reigns. Santa gives him a nudge with his foot.

INT. DOCTORS WAITING ROOM – DAY

A warm cozy place, with dozen of magazines, ‘how to make gingerbread houses’. ‘Where to get the best coal’.

Mrs. Clause steps up to a receptionist, DEBBIE, chewing bubble gum and doing a crossword puzzle, with nothing in the boxes.

Santa sits down, squeezing his butt into a chair. MOTHER NATURE, sits at the other end, clouds form over her head. She gives a timid wave to Santa. He nods his head back.

Debbie pops her gum, and looks up to Wendy.

DEBBIE
Do you know what another name for
Chris Kringle is… five letters?

WENDY
Santa, of course.

Perplexed, Debbie writes Santa in the space, it fits.

DEBBIE
You’re good.

Wendy Clause smiles back.

WENDY
Can we go in?

Just as the door opens to THE HEAT MEISER, his hair flaming. He steps out to the room, past mother nature and greets Santa.

HEAT MEISER
Glad to see you hear, Big Guy. Time to
Check out Mrs. Clause’s plumbing.

Wendy Clause is radiant, Santa hangs his head in shame.

SANTA
I’m not coming in… right. No?

WENDY
Of course you are, jeesh, we’re a team.

The Heat Meiser opens the door.

HEAT MEISER
Let’s get this party started.

INT. GYNOCHOLOGIST’S LAIR – DAY

A sight that would make the Grinch blush, Wendy Clause, legs spread open on the chair like a wishbone. Santa’s about to puke, his head turned the other way, the Heat Meiser all up in there with a flash light.

WENDY
Isn’t this great honey?

Santa can’t bare to look, he takes out his flask and pounds it. We here clanking, and rattling as the Heat Meiser gets busy. He turns around to good old Saint Nick,

HEAT MEISER
Could you hand me them tweezers, Big Guy.

Santa gags, as he snatches tweezers off the steal tray.

HEAT MEISER
Thanks pal.

He puts his head back into the abyss, as he starts to whistle RUDOLF THE RED NOSE REINDEER HAD A VERY SHINY NOSE.... Mrs. Clause hums along, bobing her head side to side.

After what seems an enternity, the Heat Meiser, pulls his head out, shuts her legs and smiles a big one back at Santa.

HEAT MEISER
She needs a little oiling, but you can start parking
your sleigh in the barn whenever you feel the urge...
you know what I mean big guy?

Santa looks like he just found out he can never deliver another present again.

SANTA
I shoulda sent Blitzen.

THE END

[sc111]

I'm thinking Vi-Silver owes me $1G. What say you?

[thesilversurfer]

I'm note even done, ********, but you have no chance. you are not a pro. you can't even write you jackarse.

[sarajb]

The doctor gasps. This one has antlers.
****!

/waits for another idea :| :| :| :|

[sc111]

I'm note even done, ********, but you have no chance. you are not a pro. you can't even write you jackarse.


You're posting installments? :eek:

ETA: Silver - you sleigh me ... I mean slay me. :)

[Qazworld]

i think bwe just knocked that outta the park.

[sc111]

i think bwe just knocked that outta the park.

You'll never convince Silver, though.

[Qazworld]

it's obvious that silver is just not very good w shorts.

[ihavebiglips]

Vi-er... the surfer ain't done yet, but this has the makings of an ass whuppin'. Nice one BWE.

[Qazworld]

he shouldnt have posted if he wasnt done.

what's w him?

but whatever, the deadline still stands at tomm. @ midnight.

maybe he's not out yet.

[Qazworld]

“NAUGHTY”

INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY

Possible the cutest girl in the world, four or five years old, stands in front of a gumball machine. She puts her quarter in and a gumball clangs through the machine and drops into the dispenser. She opens the dispenser door and pulls out the gum.

The machine makes another clang. She opens the door -- a free gumball. She delightedly pulls it out. Suddenly a deep man’s voice booms:

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)
THIEF! NAUGHTY!

PULL BACK to reveal that we’re not watching this scene live. Instead, we’re in...

INT. SANTA’S MONITORING STATION - DAY

Santa Claus (in all the garb) stands in a huge room where one entire wall is a screen - the girl with the gumball is magically projected on it.

Santa is pronouncing judgement on the girl, and he’s taking entirely too much pleasure in it.

SANTA
No presents for you this year, Emily Stevens!

He laughs, moves his hands to make the girl disappear and more childrens’ images appear and disappear. He navigates the screen like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, searching, searching...

An image of a kid doing homework in his room appears. Santa zooms in - the page is filled with complex calculations.

From outside we hear an Ice Cream Truck - the kid stands up, calls out of his room:

KID
Mom! Can I go get ice cream?

MOM (O.S.)
Did you finish your homework?

The kid looks down at his paper - of the 20 questions on the page, only the last one is blank. The Ice Cream Truck’s music fades into the distance.

KID
Yes!

The kid runs out of the room.

SANTA
Liar! Naughty! No presents for you, Wendell Gee!

Santa laughs, his stomach shaking like a bowl full of jelly. He moves the images again - a boy is in his bed, covers pulled up. Only one hand is showing -- and it’s holding an underwear ad from a newspaper.

SANTA (CONT'D)
Very naughty!

Santa zooms in on the ad, lingers on the image of a busty woman in a bra.

SANTA (CONT'D)
Nice.

Santa continues searching through kids committing tiny offenses - pushing their friends, not finishing food, teasing a dog....

SANTA (CONT'D)
Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Behind Santa, we see motion - a woman comes into the room with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. She silently sets them down on a table and starts to retreat when Santa spots her.

SANTA (CONT'D)
Mrs. Claus! Hello!

MRS. CLAUS
Rebecca. It’s been a thousand years. I think you can call me Rebecca.

SANTA
You’re not wearing the hat.

MRS. CLAUS
It’s just us, Kris. Does it matter?

SANTA
Of course it matters! You’re Mrs. Claus and I’m Santa Claus.

Santa leads Mrs. Claus out of the room.

INT. SANTA’S GREAT ROOM - DAY

Mr. and Mrs. Claus come into a huge warehouse of a room. It’s crammed with every Christmas decoration ever made, so many Christmas trees it looks like a forest, and pointy-eared elves buzzing around.

SANTA
Guys? Hello?

The elves start singing “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Santa claps in delight and sings along, poking Mrs. Claus to join. She does.... But she doesn’t seem to have quite the spirit he does.

SANTA (CONT'D)
When I rescued you from that village in Germany, did you ever think your life could be this good? When you agreed to be my wife, did you know how perfect our existence would be? We live in the most gorgeous place in the world!

He pulls her over to a gigantic picture window.

MRS. CLAUS
So white. So flat. So endless. So uninterrupted by any object of any interest.

Santa claps his hands. An elf appears with two mugs.

MRS. CLAUS (CONT'D)
Cocoa. Hurray.

SANTA
I am the happiest man on earth. Just me and my lovely wife, together three hundred and sixty four days a year, without another human being for five hundred miles to bother us.

The elves finish singing.

SANTA (CONT'D)
Again! Sing it again!

And with this, Mrs. Claus leans over and vomits.

EXT. OUTSIDE ALASKAN DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY

We’re on a small street in a tiny Alaskan town -- very Norther Exposure.
A traffic cop stands in front of a sleigh pulled by nine reindeer, parked in a fire zone. He scribbles out a ticket, slaps it on the antler of one of the reindeer -- we see that the antler is filled with tickets.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY

A gynecologist holds a stethoscope to Mrs. Claus’s belly.

GYNECOLOGIST
Congratulations.

MRS. CLAUS
Oh my God.

SANTA
Merry Christmas to me!

The gynecologist shushes them.

GYNECOLOGIST
I think.... No, I’m sure.... Two hearbeats. It’s twins.

SANTA
Merry Christmas to me again!

The gynecologist turns on an ultrasound machine, moves the wand around on Mrs. Claus’s belly. Fuzzy images appear on the screen.

SANTA (CONT'D)
A thousand years of sex and no children. I had given up hope. It truly is a miracle! I thought I was spilling my seed on frozen tundra, but it has taken hold! So, is it a boy? A girl?

The doctor looks quizzically at the image -- suddenly he jerks the wand away in a panic.

SANTA (CONT'D)
What is it?

GYNECOLOGIST
Most people like to be surprised. So, congratulations, and-

SANTA
Don’t be ridiculous! We want to know, and we want to know now!

The doctor looks at Mrs. Claus. She nods. The doctor puts the wand back on her stomach.... The image becomes clearer.... It’s a fetus with very clearly defined ears. Pointy ears. Elf ears. Santa turns slowly to Mrs. Claus.

SANTA (CONT'D)
(scolding)
Mrs. Claus.

MRS. CLAUS
Rebecca! It’s Rebecca, God damn it!

SANTA
You have been very naughty, Mrs. Claus.

MRS. CLAUS
Do you know any other word to describe human behavior?

SANTA
Well, it’s not nice, that’s for sure.

MRS. CLAUS
I can’t take it! Divorce me! Send me away from the North Pole! I’m going insane!

SANTA
Let’s not be rash, Mrs. Claus. It’s an indiscretion. I’ve certainly had my eye on a few of the more comely little elves. The blond one who makes the Rubik’s Cubes? Yummy like a candy cane. Maybe we can open our relationship up a bit.

While they argue, the doctor continues probing. He moves the wand around, the baby elf disappears from view, and the second fetus appears.

The doctor gasps. This one has antlers.

Santa turns and looks at the screen. Looks back at Mrs. Claus.

SANTA (CONT'D)
(matter of fact)
So, you want me to drop you off in Germany, then?

MRS. CLAUS
I’m thinking Hawaii.

THE END

just in case you decide to delete it. ;)

:)

[sc111]

I tried to warn Vi-um-Silver.

It was clear the guy writes comedy.

I feel vindicated.

:smokin:

[thesilversurfer]

I liked his short, funny.

[sc111]

I liked his short, funny.

So you'll concede he can write?

[thesilversurfer]

His short was funny. I thought it was well written. I always call it like it is, always. Don't mean he's a pro, not by a long shot.

[sc111]

Don't mean he's a pro, not by a long shot.

You are a stubborn one.

[dpaterso]

I've kinda lost track of who's popular and who's unpopular with the unruly mob these days. Who are we stoning this week?

-Derek

[BROUGHCUT]

why are people trying to asses if someone is a pro on the strength of the writing? :rolling::rolling::confused:

MRS. CLAUS
So white. So flat. So endless. So uninterrupted by any object of any interest.


nice. By itself, the elf/reindeer twist on Santa taking Mrs Claus to the gyno is juvenile and mundane, but the story's imbued with a sense of Mrs Claus's lonliness and isolation and has some real depth. Makes the most of the set-up provided.

The first few seconds were great, the 'Sliver Claus' angle was unimaginitevely dragged out after the gumball machine, but it's there for a reason and leanly written--the "naughty Mrs Claus" line was a good pay-off.

the Rudolph twist at the end seemed behind the curve, then again it delivers the obvious twist when I least expected it, he kept the upperhand.

Everything serves a purpose, even if the execution is rushed, and it's inexpensively written--I love the subext in Santa's dialogue above, his ideals vs (we assume) those of Mrs Claus.

Personally, I preferred SC's entry in the other thread--does that make her a pro?

[Pull Back Reveal]

I've kinda lost track of who's popular and who's unpopular with the unruly mob these days. Who are we stoning this week?

Still Mel Gibson.

[ihavebiglips]

Still Mel Gibson.

How'd Michael Richards get off so easy?

[sc111]

Personally, I preferred SC's entry in the other thread--does that make her a pro?

Aw - thanks Broughcut. Did ya vote for me? ;)

[Pull Back Reveal]

How'd Michael Richards get off so easy?

Michael who?

[BROUGHCUT]

I am not denying the correlation between quality of writing and success, rather, I am denying that poor quality of writing leads to inevitable failure.

I'm inclined to think you're a "pro" writer (who can probably write--the swatch of script above is a bad example of quality writing, imo (you're welcome) ), which is why I was the first to suggest the previous entry of yours was perhaps intentionally poor. If it was a serious attempt, why should my next conclusion be that you are not a pro? There are other possibilities, Kevin. :D This is an industry where the Best Pro Writer Ever is, by one measure, Akiva Goldsman.

Again, I think you are probably a pro who can write. I am merely wondering why others are excluding the possibility that you're one of the lucky and highly successful pros who can't.

[OzFade]

Wait a minute...

BWE wrote about Mrs Clause getting a sonogram...which (I may be wrong) is not performed by a gyno but by an Obstetrician.

This means that BWE has failed in the comp...which means The Silver Surfer is the winner.

[Qazworld]

Wait a minute...

BWE wrote about Mrs Clause getting a sonogram...which (I may be wrong) is not performed by a gyno but by an Obstetrician.

This means that BWE has failed in the comp...which means The Silver Surfer is the winner.

:rolleyes:


typical aussie backwardness.

it's Ob/Gyn, in the US.

now quit being such a guy.

[sarajb]

OB-GYN. Obstetrician AND Gyno. I have no vested reason to argue this. Honest. :)

[OzFade]

Honestly I wasn't trying to pick sides or anything...

Just blame it on male + aussie + naive ;)

[Qazworld]

a few too many roos loose in yer yard, mate.





just had to......

:)

[sarajb]

It's kind of sick. I blame the parallel development. And, the subject matter. And, the fact that I'm sick.



INT. DR. JIM'S OFFICE - DAY

DR. JIM shakes his head between two plump feet in stirrups.

DR. JIM
Why is it you think you're
pregnant, anyway?

MRS. CLAUS engulfs the bed. SANTA holds her hand.

MRS. CLAUS
I feel kicking.

SANTA
It's true. I've felt it, too. Also,
she'd been eating like a cow.

MRS. CLAUS
Papa.

SANTA
Sorry, mamma.

DR. JIM
I'll do my best, but we're going to
run into the same problem we've had
with previous pelvic exams.

Mrs. Claus blushes.

DR. JIM
Now, now, don't be embarrassed.
You're a Claus. This is normal.

Dr. Jim hoists the mighty fold that hangs between her legs.

DR. JIM
Come, hold this.

Santa runs to his aid. He winks at the Mrs.

DR. JIM
I'm going in.

He ducks under the shelf of flesh.

Santa hangs on for a moment or two, until he starts to quake
like a junior high kid doing pull-ups for the gym teacher.

THWOP

The flab knocks the doc face first on the floor. Santa pulls
his legs, until he's free.

DR. JIM
(weakly)
Reinforcements.

EXT. SNOW COVERED FOREST - DAY

SAM THE SNOWMAN wiggles forward.

SAM
Things didn't look good for the
Claus's. Christmas was only days
away, but junior wasn't going to
wait. Speaking of weight, let's see
how our friends are doing.

INT. DR. JIM'S OFFICE - DAY

Reindeer surround the bed. Elves are lined up into the hall.

Mrs. Claus covers her eyes.

MRS. CLAUS
If someone had told me...

SANTA
I hate to do this to you, mamma,
but is everybody ready?

Nobody's ready.

ELF #1
Santa? Maybe, you could, you know,
do the chimney thing and report to
the doctor.

Mrs. Claus giggles. Santa gives in to a ho-ho.

SANTA
Tried that once. Didn't quite work
that way, did it mamma?

Mrs. Claus howls. Tears run down her face.

SANTA
Okay, that's enough.

DONNER
Hermey can help, he's a, a, a
Dentyne.

HERMEY shows his contempt for the dopey reindeer.

DR. JIM
What do you say, Hermey?

HERMEY
I'm a dentist, not a muff diver,
Jim!

Elf #1 turns to ELF #2

ELF #1
Hermey doesn't like pvssy!

Elf #2 turns to ELF #3

ELF #2
Hermey doesn't like pvssy!

And, so on, all the way out the door.

HERMEY
Hello. I have a girlfriend.

Elf #2 smiles, politely.

HERMEY
I do! She lives in Bermuda. You
wouldn't know her.

DR. JIM
I've got it. I can't believe I--

ELF FOREMAN (O.S.)
Wu-what?!?!

Everyone looks at the door for a beat.

DR. JIM
I can't believe I didn't think of
it, before. Ultrasound!

EVERYONE
Ahhhhh!

EXT. SNOW COVERED FOREST - DAY

SAM
Ah, an ultrasound. I don't know
what that is.

INT. DR. JIM'S OFFICE - DAY

The doctor empties a tube of KY on Mrs. Claus. He tosses it
in the trash, where several more emptied tubes reside.

He maneuvers the device around. The screen is black.

DR. JIM
It's no use. There's too much to go
through.

SANTA
Wait! I've got it. Bumble, front
and center.

Bumble roars.

EXT. SNOW COVERED FOREST - DAY

The bumble's roar echoes. Sam shudders, hides behind his
parasol.

INT. DR. JIM'S OFFICE - DAY

SANTA
Lift my darling's belly, Bumble.
Watch the claws. Where's Rudolph?

The reindeer nod. Yes. RUDOLPH hides in the far corner.

RUDOLPH
No, I won't do it. I won't.

The reindeer get in behind him. They push him toward the Mrs.
He digs his hooves in, but the floor is too smooth.

RUDOLPH
You can't make me.

Rudolph leaves a trail of Raisinettes to dodge.

COMET
Dude.

THOOMP

BLITZEN
He's in.

RUDOLPH
It's not bery cufforbul.

SANTA
Ready, Rudolph.

RUDOLPH
(so sadly)
Ready, Santa.

SANTA
Full power!

The famous Rudolph nose sound. Mrs. Claus glows.

DONNER
I knew he could do it. I knew it
all along.

DR. JIM
I can see it! Oh, dear.

SANTA
What's wrong? Is he healthy?

DR. JIM
She looks very healthy and very
large and full term to boot. She
needs to come out, right away.
(to Rudolph)
You're done. For now.

POP!

Rudolph stick his nose in a jar of rubbing alcohol. The
Bumble sets down his load and walks slowly out the door.

SANTA
Whatever's necessary, doc. Save our
little girl.

Mrs. Claus nods.

DR. JIM
I'll have to do a cesarean section,
but all that bulk. My instruments
can't handle it.

Through the window, we see the Bumble jump off the cliff.

SANTA
Elves, check my workshop.

The elves look doubtful, then Hermey and Rudolph lock
twinkling eyes.

HERMEY AND RUDOLPH
Yukon!

FADE OUT.

YUKON CORNELIUS (V.O.)
Wa-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

SAM (V.O.)
Silver and gold, silver and gold,
how can you measure its worth...

[Fortean]

...if anyone else wants to join the fun, feel free.With apologies to collector (http://messageboard.donedealpro.com/boards/showthread.php?t=25340) and Major Henry Livingston Jr. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Livingston_Jr.)

THE XMAS INFECTION

FADE IN:

CUE MUSIC (http://www.jfeenstra.com/midifiles/Silver.mid)

INT. CLINIC'S WAITING ROOM - DAY

The PUBLIC HEALTH NURSE examines the health card of MRS. CLAUS, briefly, and hands it back to her, with a cheery smile.

NURSE
I never knew that he was married.

MRS. CLAUS
Oh, yes, a long time ago. Way back then, bishops could get married.

NURSE
Any children?

MRS. CLAUS
No, we've not been blessed, in that way, yet.

The Nurse turns a steely gaze upon SANTA CLAUS.

SANTA
(stroking his whiskers)
I may be a saint, but I'm still a man.

NURSE
Still trying, eh?

SANTA
Is that your question?

NURSE
No, I was just curious...

SANTA
Out with it. Is it about that doll you wanted, but didn't get?

NURSE
Living at the North Pole, are you CANADIAN citizens?

SANTA
(in a huff)
We're landed immigrants. Do you want to see those papers, too?

INT. GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY

The GYNECOLOGIST glances over a stack of papers, piled high upon his desk, at Santa and Mrs. Claus.

GYNECOLOGIST
The bad news is that there's not enough medicine to save the elves from sterility?

MRS. CLAUS
That's bad news?

GYNECOLOGIST
The virus is extremely infectious. If not for the quarantine, there wouldn't be any more children, naughty or nice, for your annual visits.

SANTA
Just how much medicine is there?

GYNECOLOGIST
That's the good news. Ten millilitres of the manna, injected intravenously each year, should eliminate the virus and ensure normal fertility. Ten each for you and the Mrs., ten for the nurse, ten for me, and ten for the Rector at the Basilica San Nicola di Bari, who collects it.

MRS. CLAUS
(to Santa, in horror)
That's all of it!

SANTA
Saints preserve us!

The Gynecologist looks at the stack of papers.

GYNECOLOGIST
According to these lab results, I'm afraid that there'll be no more baby elves, and those working for you must avoid all contact with humans. They're a dying breed.

MRS. CLAUS
We can live with that.
(Santa scowls at her)
Hey, I'm not a saint, am I?

GYNECOLOGIST
Are any of them still sneezing?

SANTA
No, that ended, weeks ago.

GYNECOLOGIST
Good, then, let's get this over with. Roll up your sleeves, please.

The Gynecologist fills a hypodermic needle from a bottle of manna from Bari.

EXT. HEALTH CLINIC - DAY

Santa and Mrs. Claus exit the clinic, nod greetings to the Inuit gathered outside, and mount their snowmobile.

MRS. CLAUS
This is all your fault, you know.

SANTA
Okay, I know, I know.

MRS. CLAUS
If you hadn't stop to water the reindeer at Devil's Lake, this wouldn't have happened.

SANTA
Enough already! How was I to know that glacier was polluted with an ancient deadly virus?

MRS. CLAUS
Always stopping for a drink on the way home from work--

Santa guns the snowmobile engine and speeds off onto the ice pack.

EXT. ABOVE THE LIGHTS OF A CITY - NIGHT

Santa pulls on the reins to turn the flying reindeer and his flying sleigh into a descent toward the city.

SANTA
Gee! Gee!

The eight reindeer pull hard to the right, straining at their harnesses. Santa whistles at them, as they gather speed, and zip past tree-tops and chimneys.

SANTA (cont'd)
Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen, on! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Dunder and Blixem, to the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
(tugging reins to the left)
Haw! Haw! Haw!

The reindeer turn hard to the left for a quick touchdown upon a rooftop. Santa pulls on the brake, and, grabbing a sack, leaps from the sleigh, in the direction of the chimney.

The reindeer wait until Santa vanishes from sight. Dasher sneezes, Dancer sneezes, Prancer sneezes, Vixen sneezes, Comet sneezes, Cupid sneezes, Dunder sneezes, and Blixem sneezes. A miasma of sneeze-infected mist spreads out across the rooftop and descends over the rain gutters.

Santa reappears from behind the chimney, leaps into the sleigh, releases its brake, and gives the reins a snap.

SANTA
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!


FADE OUT:

[Priya]

Not my best effort. But 'twas fun.

"We're Having A Baby"

INT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY
TEN TIRED-LOOKING REINDEER DRAGGING a large sleigh pull up in front of a valet station. Inside the sleigh are SANTA CLAUS and MRS. CLAUS, complete with matching red and white suits (who need no further introduction, I’m sure).

SANTA
Goddamit, Olive, I’m not paying eight dollars to park for a frickin’ hour! Find a spot.

MRS. CLAUS
Now, dear, no need to be cranky. Wait, who's Olive?

SANTA
Olive, the other reindeer.

MRS. CLAUS
Oh. Well, I'm sure she knows how nervous you are and... well, with your back...

SANTA
Jesus, woman. My back is fine. Or it would be if you got off it!

MRS. CLAUS
Santa F. Claus!

Before Santa can respond a VALET sprints over to take the reins. Because of Santa’s girth, the valet is force to help the large man out of the sleigh.

SANTA
Thanks, man. Sorry I gave you coal last year.

VALET
Que?

As Santa and Mrs. Claus walk toward the elevator, she becomes overcome with glee.

MRS. CLAUS
Oh darling, isn’t it wonderful? Oh, it’s all so magical and wondrous!

SANTA
Would you quit it with your freaky meta crap? Next thing I know, we’ll be having this baby in the middle of our goddamned bathtub while little elves dance around and chant.

MRS. CLAUS
Don’t worry dear, it’ll be our nearest and dearest elves.

SANTA
Not funny.

An elevator arrives and the loving couple get in.

INT. ELEVATOR -- DAY
Santa watches the floor numbers light up. Mrs. Claus regards him.

MRS. CLAUS
I thought you wanted this baby.

SANTA
I do. I mean. I do. I just didn’t know it was going to be this...

MRS. CLAUS
But, you were the one who --

SANTA
I know, I brought up the baby talk, sue me! All the elves, they’re getting married and pregnant. You know that Joey Elverson has six kids already?

MRS. CLAUS
So you were feeling pressured?

SANTA
Kind of, yeah.

MRS. CLAUS
We don’t have to do this, you know.

SANTA
It’s a little late now...

INT. OB-GYN -- RECEPTION AREA -- DAY
It’s a serene little office done primarily in puke green with bland (or what the designer call “soothing”) Thomas Kincaide prints lining the walls.

Mrs. Claus sits down and begins leafing through a year old copy of “Entertainment Weekly.”

Santa, totally out of his element here, and a little terrified-looking, approaches the BUBBLE-GUM POPPING RECEPTIONIST (or, B-GPR to make typing easier on me).

B-GPR
Name?

SANTA
Claus.

B-GPR
That your first name?

SANTA
No, uh... Santa.

Beat.

B-GPR
Your name’s Santa... Claus?

SANTA
Yes.

B-GPR
Wow. Hate to have had your childhood. Explains the get-up, though.

She glances disdainfully at his red and white suit.

B-GPR (CONT'D)
Purpose of your visit?

SANTA
We’re um... having a baby.

B-GPR
So that’s why you’re at the OB-GYN!
(beat)
Purpose of your visit?

SANTA
Check up.

B-GPR
Name?

SANTA
Didn’t you write it down?

Santa may be a bit of an idiot.

B-GPR
HER name?

From across the room, Mrs. Claus pipes up,

MRS. CLAUS
We have an appointment with Dr. Kleinhausen for an ultrasound at two PM.

B-GPR checks the schedule.

B-GPR
Ah. Here you are. Doctor will see you shortly.

Santa stands there, awaiting further instructions. None are forthcoming so, after a moment he turns and heads over to the missus.

INT. DR. KEINHAUSEN’S OFFICE - LATER
Mrs. Claus reclines on the table, still reading her magazine, as Santa paces nervously back and forth.

He checks out a realistic-ish plastic model of female genitalia. He pulls the two sides apart and the plastic cervix falls out and crashes to the ground.

MRS. CLAUS
Santa! Put that back!

SANTA
Sorry.

With much difficulty, and kind of a lot of clatter, Santa puts the pieces of the model back together. Plastic fallopian tubes, plastic ova, plastic vaginal canal -- he lingers on this one a bit...

There’s a soft knock at the door.

MRS. CLAUS
Come in!

DR. KLEINHAUSEN pokes his head around the door.

KLEINHAUSEN
Everyone decent in here?

Santa sets his teeth as Mrs. Claus titters. Kleinhausen enters, pushing a large portable ultrasound machine. Kleinhausen flips through the Claus chart. Reads.

KLEINHAUSEN (CONT'D)
Okay. Hmmm. Alright. So your blood pressure’s up a little bit.

SANTA
Is that bad? Because this baby’s great and all, but I don’t want anything to happen to --

KLEINHAUSEN
(interrupting)
No cause for concern, yet. But, it’s something we’ll want to keep an eye on.

He snaps the file shut.

KLEINHAUSEN (CONT'D)
Okay! Who’s ready for an ultrasound?

MRS. CLAUS
Oh, Santa! We’re going to see our little baby!

Kleinhausen fires up the ultrasound machine.

KLEINHAUSEN
All right, Mr. Claus... up on the table, please!

Santa looks at his wife, terrified. She gets down from the table.

MRS. CLAUS
No need to worry darling, it doesn’t hurt at all!

Santa drops trou and gets onto the table. The doctor squirts out a clear thick substance from a tube and rubs it onto Santa’s stomach.

KLEINHAUSEN
Gives new meaning to a bowl full of Jelly, huh, Mr. Claus? Ha ha ha.

Santa leans back and stares at the ceiling poster of Where’s Waldo as he contemplates his eighth circle of hell.

The end.

[dpaterso]

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY

Snowflakes fall on a dozen ELVES in brightly colored
garb and pointed hats, who lie sprawled in various
positions of violent bloody death.


INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Medical diplomas hang on the walls.

SANTA and MRS. SANTA, a big-chested, long-legged babe
squeezed into a shiny red dress with white trim, sit facing
an unseen DOCTOR.

DOCTOR (O.S.)
I'm delighted to tell you
you're expecting a baby!

Mrs. Santa hugs Santa and kisses him on the cheek.

MRS. SANTA
That's wonderful!

Santa doesn't think so.


EXT. SNOW-COVERED ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Santa sits with his legs wrapped around a chimney. His
agonized MOANS fill the night.

SUBTITLE FADE IN: "One year earlier."


INT. SANTA'S TOY FACTORY - DAY

The Elves from the opening scene look up from making
toys. Santa stands in the doorway looking grim. A gun
in his gloved hand.

ELVES (TOGETHER)
Oh-oh!

The Elves all run for another exit. Santa stalks after them.

CUT TO BLACK

SHOOTING and SCREAMING.

TITLE CARD: Have a safe sex Christmas, y'all.

FADE OUT:

[MaBozaAitken]

XXXmas Nights

WARNING - BADLY WRITTEN FILTH. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY MATERIAL OF A SEXUAL NATURE AND SCHOOLBOY HUMOR PLEASE DO NOT READ. DANKE.





INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY
At opposite ends of the couch, SANTA and MRS CLAUS (both
Scottish - natch), sit in silence, their arms folded.
'Couples therapist', DR PHIL MAHOLE, glances up at the
clock.
PHIL
How about you start us off Mrs
Claus?
MRS CLAUS
He doesn't like me telling
anyone.
SANTA
Fifty ****ing notes an hour for
this pish.
But all eyes are on Santa - he aint getting off the hook
that easy.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Okay, okay. The thing is doc,
it's ma sack. It's full to
bursting.
PHIL
Well, it is the week before
Christmas.
SANTA
Not that kind of sack, ya daft
****.
Santa hefts down his big red Santa pants and pulls down his
Y-fronts (Xmas themed - natch) to reveal a loose but
impressively large scrotum.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Ma bawbag. Ma marble pouch.
Santa's love holdall.
Mrs Claus rolls her eyes in disgust. Santa clocks it.
SANTA (CONT'D)
See that doc, that's the problem.
Never mind a nice wee bit of tea
bagging, I haven't had a good
ride in the last ten years. I'm
all backed up. Full to the brim.
MRS CLAUS
It's not my fault you can't
satisfy my needs.
SANTA
That old excuse.
Mrs Claus appeals to the good doctor.
MRS CLAUS
His sack might be big, but his...
She wiggles a pinky by way of explanation as Santa hefts
his pants back up and blushes beneath his beard.
SANTA
You never used to complain before
we had the kids.
MRS CLAUS
Women don't. We know what fragile
egos men have.
PHIL
You mentioned having children.
How do you think that changed the
nature of your sexual
relationship?
SANTA
I'll tell you exactly.
He hoists a dismissive thumb towards Mrs Claus.
SANTA (CONT'D)
Fanny like a wizard's sleeve. I'm
telling you, her vagina is like
the top of a wellington boot.
MRS CLAUS
I've known elves that are better
hung you.
SANTA
Like a clown's pocket..
PHIL
Please. Both of you. Enough.
The couple lapse back into silence.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Ascribing blame is not
constructive.
SANTA
So come on then Dr Phil, what do
you suggest?
PHIL
I take it erectile dysfunction's
not been an issue. Viagra can be
very...
Santa cuts him off.
SANTA
Tried it. You could have hung a
duffel coat from my tadger for a
fortnight. Made no odds.
MRS CLAUS
No matter how hard the wood, a
pencil's still a pencil.
SANTA
Give it a rest will you, Moira.
PHIL
Look, I'm going to give you a
referral. It won't be cheap,
but...
Dr Phil scribbles a name and number on a piece of paper and
hands it to Santa.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Consider it my Christmas present
to you.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS - THREE DAYS LATER
Santa and Mrs Claus, both casually dressed, saunter out of
a stretch limo and into...

INT. PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE
...where they are greeted warmly by 'Surgeon To The Stars',
DR KNOB.
SANTA
Thanks for seeing me at such
short notice.
DR KNOB
The pleasure's all mine and hey,
all my patients call me by my
Christian name.
He introduces himself to Mrs Claus.
DR KNOB (CONT'D)
Biggar.
Santa is checking out some pictures.
SANTA
Is that...?
DR KNOB
John Holmes. An early patient of
mine.
Next to John is a smiling Ron Jeremy.
DR KNOB (CONT'D)
Now, if you'd like to step this
way.
FADE OUT:
The sound of sweet, sweet Lurv being made; fast and
furious, just how women like it (but pretend not to).
MRS CLAUS
Yes! Yes! Ride me like Rudolph!
SANTA
Oh, Moira!
FADE IN:

INT. CLAUS' BEDROOM
Santa and Mrs Claus in a warm, post-coital glow.
MRS CLAUS
Oh, Tam, that was the best.
She props herself up on one elbow.
SANTA
I might just find you
a wee pressie in the bottom of my
sack later on.
MRS CLAUS
You big stud ye.
SANTA
You know what, I feel about
twenty pounds lighter.
She gives him a playful shove...
MRS CLAUS
Listen to you.
...as he gets up and walks stark bollock naked to the en
suite bathroom for a pish.
Santa's massive appendage swings between his knees,
silhouetted against the light from a single star which
twinkles outside their window. It's enough to give Mark
Wahlberg nightmares, AS WE:
FREEZE FRAME ON
Santa's surgically enhanced penis,and slowly FADE OUT to
the strains of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town".

[dpaterso]

Dear God in heaven, what a waste of a perfectly good can of Diet Coke, sprayed over a perfectly good (now spitting sparks) laptop.

Admire your style, MBA, I laughed when I read your username and laughed at your pages, do PM me and let me know who you are?

-Derek

[Kwvillen]

'My balls are aching': WARNING - BADLY WRITTEN FILTH. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY MATERIAL OF A SEXUAL NATURE AND SCHOOLBOY HUMOR


Nope: :smokin:

Good stuff: :D

KWV

[J off course]

"The Doctor and Mrs. Claus"


INT. MRS. CLAUS' BEDROOM-- MORNING

A pair of female hands adjusts a fine pair of fur gloves.

MRS. CLAUS stands in front of a full-length mirror in golden light.
Her countenance is youthful and glowing. Her eyes, though, mirror
a sadness.

Behind her a stern older Elf, her MAIDSERVANT slips on a white curly
wig over Mrs. Claus's head.

Then from a silver case, the maidservant removes a pair of wire rimmed
glasses.

INT. MRS. CLAUS' BEDROOM--CONTINUOUS

Mrs. Claus stands at a window. She contemplates through her glasses
a wintry scene outside.

From her POV

SANTA inspects his team of reindeer and sleigh.

Behind Mrs. Claus the maidservant approaches with a fur-lined coat and
slips it over Mrs. Claus' shoulders.

The maidservant takes a compact with rouge and lifts a pad
against Mrs. Claus' cheek but Mrs. Claus waves it away.


EXT. THE CLAUS' HOME-- MORNING

Santa helps Mrs. Claus aboard the sleigh.

A kick of reindeer hooves
A swirl of powder snow
Two ELVES in goggles support each other against a
whoosh of wind beaten snow.


EXT. FROSTNERZERIESKY ,UPPER SIBERIA--DAY

A NURSE rushes into a wooden home passing a sign that
says GYN in Russian Cyrillic.


INT. DOCTOR'S HOME/OFFICE--DAY

The nurse goes down a hall past a large window. On the other
side of the window a WORKER uses an ax against very lethal
appearing icicles along gingerbread eaves.

The nurse comes to a door and knocks.


INT. WAITING ROOM --DAY

The aged DOCTOR in white coat quickly downs a glass of vodka and
hides the bottle and a photo album under a sofa throw.


INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE--DAY

The doctor places his hands over a chimney fire trying to warm them.
He glances out the window where Santa's sleigh has pulled up.


INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE--DAY

The nurse welcomes Santa and his wife into the office. Mrs. Claus
is shown to an examination room.


INT. WAITING ROOM--DAY

Santa sits on the sofa. He notices the lump. He uncovers the
vodka bottle and places it on a side table. He opens the photo album.
Something catches his eye. He gets up and goes over to a small
lite Christmas tree on a table for better light.

Suddenly the door opens. Santa puts the album down knocking
a glass bulb from the tree which shatters with a small burst on the
table.

The nurse enters with a tray with tea.


EXT. DOCTOR'S HOME/OFFICE--DAY

Santa helps Mrs. Claus into the sleigh. The shadow of the doctor
watches from a window until the shadow disappears behind a
mad swirl of snow.


EXT. UPPER SIBERIA--DUSK

The sun dying behind a line of Birch trees and virgin white.

To one side the sleigh and reindeer. The sleigh is empty of
passengers.

Santa and Mrs. Claus stand a few feet apart staring at the horizon.

SANTA
So, how long?

MRS. CLAUS
He said six months.

She turns to him.

MRS. CLAUS
But, the pain, you know...

Her eyes fill with tears.

SANTA
It's my job to know what one
wants for Christmas. That
they make the list only once am
I able to give...

She collapses against his chest.


INT. DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM--DAY

The doctor lies on the sofa. He grasps the photo album
in trembling hands.

One black and white photo faded with age shows the doctor
as a young man in a romantic embrace with Mrs. Claus.

The nurse approaches and prepares a hypodermic needle at
his side.

NURSE
I say, she looked jolly
for her age.


THE END

[DMNY]

Here goes the rest of my coffee.