Vote Here for the Randomly Chosen Loglines Writing Challenge!

[Priya]

Please put votes here! Thanks!

Oh, and remember: You can only vote for ONE person!

[OzFade]

Sc

[IndieMe]

We still have two days to submit something. Can the voting wait until the deadline has past?

I've been too busy to write something yet, but I planned on doing it.

[Mark Somers]

I'm not sure if my vote counts seeing as I didn't get my entry in.


I cast my vote for Adam Isaac, his piece caught me waaaaay off guard.

[Harbinger]

A lot of good entries.

Here's my verdict. There's a short critique on everyone's entry. It's only fair since such a lot of effort was put in. Nothing insulting. This was for fun after all.

Ozfade - Short, but sweet. Eerily similar to the opening in my entry. What's that saying? Great minds think alike. Well written. I like the comedic tone of the action description. It fits the nature of the piece.

Fortean - Some funny moments. I like the Hai! confusion. Well written. I especially liked some of the action descriptions. (Rainwater streaming from the drainpipe dragon's mouth comes to mind). It was a little... maniac. Slightly bizarre, but fun.

Magicghost - Here I'll be a little negative cause there were others of yours I liked. The Assassin 1, 2, 3, 4 etc etc ruins this. It's impossible to visualize properly cause I kept having to check which assassin said what before. That said it was still well written with some great comedic moments, but I never quite managed to get past that stumbling block.

Ylekot - Seek professional help now! This is either the mind of a genius or a complete whack job! Speeder bikes? Shrek? Gwyneth Paltrow? Sounds like a bad batch to me. That said it was an enjoyable read and strangely enough, despite making very little sense, you keep reading to see who turns up next.

MagicGhost .....again - Another one I liked. Nothing really there, but it definitely wins for best ending line of dialogue! I must admit when I read that logline the comedy of it didn't hit me straight away, but it's a great opportunity to create laughs...and it did. Especially that last line.

SC11 - As per normal great stuff. Excellent dialogue. This almost took my vote, but there was something just missing for me. I think at the end of the day I felt that whilst the exchange/dynamic between Joshua and Ben feels natural, Joshua capitulates too easily. Also it's essentually just two people talking in a cafe. I couldn't visualize it cinematically. That said excellent stuff as I said and a very close second.

Magicghost....good god does this guy leave the house!! - I don't think the logline did you any favours, but never-the-less an admirable attempt. Well written, and whilst the repetition of the action lines in the narration annoyed me at first, once we find out why and we get to the pay off, that one actually had me physically laughing out loud...or LOL. Whatever you kids are calling it now. I felt the ending was too convenient and tacked on though, but still great dialogue before that.

J-off-Course - Great entry. I admit I had to read twice to see where you were going with it. It's not immediately clear what happened. At least not for me (I may have been tired), but once it all became clear, this unfolded as a great entry. Nicely heartfelt and I'm a sucker for looking back at the past. The things that were and what happend to make us what we are now. (I probably shouldn't admit, but that bit at the end of A League of Their Own, where they look back at their history to the tune of Madonna's 'This Used to be my Playground' has me bawling like a fat man in front of a burnt out donut store!). This one struck chords, but just missed.

Magicghost....Holy s.... GET ON WITH YOUR SCRIPT - This hit all the right buttons for me. Good dialogue. Action. Flicking from one scene to another before the environment, visually, became stagnant. I even allowed for the tentative interpretation of 'Fantasy world'. I liked the last line and I'm a sucker for origins of a corrupt power. Someone small that pulls the strings and slowly rises to power (ala a lot of Shakespeare.............uhhh or Star Wars and Senator Palpatine). This gets my vote, purely because I immediately wrote the whole continuation of his rise to power in muy head.

Adam Issac - Another great entry that almost took the vote. First of all I liked the idea of an accountant discovering a virus on the money. Then when we find out the truth, it twists everything around. SPOILER ALERT. It's well written and great descriptions. It would have taken my vote if he hadn't bludgeoned his son, but poisoned him. The reason being I couldn't draw a any parallels between violence and a so-called deadly virus. But if he'd poisoned him and left the body to rot (maybe the mother had been away from home for a while) then the coping mechanism in his mind would slowly have created this virus idea. His son would be lying there, rotting on a chair in the kitchen and slowly Joe's mind would have warped the whole thing to the idea of this virus. The covered in blood thing, whilst there for dramatic effect, didn't quite work for me. Hence why it just missed the vote.

Harbinger - Another brilliant entry....You think so? ....Yeah of course, Hollywood's doors are wide open to you.........now you're just humouring me.........Not at all. We've signed Johnny Depp for the lead.........really? I can't believe this. I'd like to thank my agent who was asleep through most of it. My family who............ And Spielberg phoned. He's offering 5 Mill.......................................oh F*** off!

Procrastination over. Time to get some actual semblance of work done.

Oh Just to Clarify, my vote goes to.......
MagicGhost for The father-in-Law of a Prince entry

EDIT:

Oops sorry Breaker.......Ahem.

Breaker - Well written entry. Flows nicely. a very easy read. I liked the visual of them all on the cliff. I think this entry would have benefited from two more pages. You evidently came across the same problem I did, which was suddenly coming to the fifth page and still having to cram in a heap of information. Hence the ending feels kinda abrupt. Interesting themes though and an enjoyable read.

[Priya]

I just realized that there should probably be an end date for the voting. I'm (now -- Thanks, H!) thinking the 2nd of February, 12 pm (PST!!!) is the end of voting!

Good luck -- there are a lot of great entries!

[Harbinger]

Might need a little longer Priya. A lot of DD'rs just breeze through here every now and then. If you look back at other contests, it took over a week to get all the votes cast.

Ohh by the way where should I send the envelope stuffed with hundred dollar bills? Home or work address?

[Adam Isaac]

Adam Issac - Another great entry that almost took the vote. First of all I liked the idea of an accountant discovering a virus on the money. Then when we find out the truth, it twists everything around. SPOILER ALERT. It's well written and great descriptions. It would have taken my vote if he hadn't bludgeoned his son, but poisoned him. The reason being I couldn't draw a any parallels between violence and a so-called deadly virus. But if he'd poisoned him and left the body to rot (maybe the mother had been away from home for a while) then the coping mechanism in his mind would slowly have created this virus idea. His son would be lying there, rotting on a chair in the kitchen and slowly Joe's mind would have warped the whole thing to the idea of this virus. The covered in blood thing, whilst there for dramatic effect, didn't quite work for me. Hence why it just missed the vote.


Thanks. Yeah, I knew the violence at the end would throw some people off. I wanted it to be obvious enough to his wife, for her to go get the 'family shot gun' and find Joe covered in blood. I tried placing a parallel to the violence half-way in when Joe's telling Eddie G. about how he cared ofr his son, and his son being very hot and feeling like there was something moving around in his stomach. The bludgeoning at the end was supposed to be the 'true' result of his delusion of helping/caring for his son. I could have worded it better to make the violence less 'whoa-what the $%&#' If Priya would have given us one more week, I could have done everything perfect.

I like the poison idea, and contemplated using something of that nature, but felt I needed something quick and obvious, so the wife would be in Mad Mom mode like that(*snaps fingers*).

I apprieciate the compliments and suggestions though. I've got to read through your's and two others before I vote.

[IndieMe]

I just realized that there should probably be an end date for the voting. I'm (now -- Thanks, H!) thinking the 2nd of February, 12 pm (PST!!!) is the end of voting!

I didn't have time to finish mine on time. I wrote two shorts already that week. Can I still vote? I have read most of them already.

Btw, I used the accountant and the world ending too. :)

[Harbinger]

Yeah i'm sure you can, Indieme.

Clueless voted right up top there and he didn't enter. It's a lot more flexible this one with the voting rules. Open to everyone .....I think :)

[sc111]

I seriously had a problem picking one above all others.

I had to reread them all again.

My vote goes to: J off Course.

I liked the Fountain of Youth angle which pulled it all together for a happy ending. I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

(But I want to give an honorable mention to MagicGhost's "Father-in-law of a Prince" short which was in a dead heat with my pick).

Nice work everyone.

:)

[Priya]

All votes welcome!

[Kwvillen]

J off Course

Good luck everyone:

:)

KWV

[phatgirl]

J off Course :love:

[Adam Isaac]

Harbinger

[ylekot43]

A lot of good entries.

verdict w/ short critique on everyone's entry.

Ozfade - Short, but good. It moved right along. I love when I can't tell where a writer is going and they pull it together with one line.

Fortean - Solid visual descriptions were the strength of this piece. Good comedy. I didn't get the positioning of the characters though. Nail that down and alot of comedy that I missed in the first read would really shine through.

Magicghost - unclear ninja dialogue-- I think you redeem yourself with your later entries.

YLEKOT43-- "I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff." The Jerk

MagicGhost ...-- funny quips -getting better --but not enough conflict.

SC11 - This almost took my vote, but like Harb said, there was something just missing and at the end of the day I felt that "whilst the exchange/dynamic between Joshua and Ben feels natural, Joshua capitulates too easily." I think that, maybe if the convincing was done by a simple action that personified the greatness of man instead of a speech, this would have been an incredible piece. Significantly, I got yours the first read and you were a close second.

Magicghost.... - I really liked this one. I wish you had capped CHIHUAHUA the first time he appeared -- that's the only thing that pulled me out of the read. Loved the "play by play" guy.

J-off-Course - Great entry. I love a nice Nostalgic piece. Wanted to vote for it but just couldn't because it took me two times to understand what was going on.

Magicghost.... Liked the way you shifted gears on this --it shows good range. This could be rewritten into a stellar twenty minute short I think.

Adam Issac - had to edit this -- misread it the first time around -- good solid piece.

Harbinger - You snagged the vote. I really didn't like the protag's additude towards the cab driver, but the work was sequentially sound and a quick easy read with good dialogue that plays clearly in the mind. That's all you can ask for right?

Breaker - Liked it -- I think you needed ten pages for this one though.


VOTE: Harbinger

[bierhound]

hands down adam issac.... great read, you kind of know what's gonna happen but the smoothness of the action and dialogue, and the short length, bypass this problem.


harbinger... a close second.

[Adam Isaac]

Harbinger and I took the pessimistic point of view on the 'end of the world' spin. I feel like our's were very different from the rest of the pack in regards to style and tone--not better, just different. I had Harbinger pegged as an optimistic type, but he surprised me.

Sc's a good writer. I knew she would come correct coming off the Holiday short win. Her dialogue was better than anyone's, in my opinion. I love female writers who write snappy dialogue...makes me dream of the invigorating collaboration with a sharp female scribe, I have yet to experience...*exhales deeply*

I just couldn't get past someone choosing "many" in the classic good of "one versus good of many" debate when family is involved.

Say what? Hahaha...no idea what that means. The 5-page maximum forced me to improvise my story a wee bit. No way I would write that ending any different though. Shoot first and ask questions later, know what I mean?:D

hands down adam issac.... great read, you kind of know what's gonna happen but the smoothness of the action and dialogue, and the short length, bypass this problem.


I'm glad you liked it. This was the first time posting anything of mine on a public internet forum. I've been afraid of failure, and have been too hard on myself overall. Just getting a couple of votes, and some other positive mentions, has made this one of the more enjoyable experiences I've had on Done Deal.

There was only one out of the entire pack that I didn't enjoy reading, but all the others were solid. All winners in their own fashion.:cool:

[yeehi]

Vote: ylekot43
Runner up: magicghost2977

Feedback:

I am zonked. I cut straight to the dialogue if i became the teensiest bored or lost concentration.

[J off course]

As much as I became annoyed at the amount of dialogue
in the taxi, I really loved the entry, So, my vote goes to...

HARBINGER.

Magicghost gets second place because of his persistence, and
because I'm a writer of musicals and need to be reminded by
pieces like this that only PERFECT rhymes are acceptable.
Magic, "Boobs" and "Lube" doesn't rhyme. ;)

[IndieMe]

Ok, I've read them all.

Some were funny, some were creative, some were exciting, some were well written, some made me think and some did just about all.

My two favorites ended up being Sc11's and Harbinger's. I decided to ultimately go with Sc11 because Harbinger's ending felt a little disappointing. It was my favorite until that point though. :)

[ylekot43]

Are you all ready to admit that I won by an astounding 217 votes or are you actually going to make me create all those fake profiles to rig the results?

If it's good enough for George W., it's good enough for me.

Seriously -- great stuff people. Enjoyed it.

[IndieMe]

No more votes?

It's been quiet here lately.

Any other writing excersises coming up?
I love writing shorts! they are like your little quickies with your hubby. (joke)

[OzFade]

I love writing shorts! they are like your little quickies with your hubby

I vomited in my mouth a little...

So do we have a winner yet?

[IndieMe]

Just wanted to see if anyone was still around. Didn't mean to offend. :)

[Priya]

By my count (please correct me if I'm wrong), the popular vote goes to:

harbinger (3)
sc111 (2)
j off course (2)
adam isaac (2)
MagicGhost (1)
ylekot43 (1)

I've been out of town, so will review the entries as soon as I can!

[OzFade]

No offense taken Indie and I hope no offense was given.

Just having a little warped Oz humour.

[Mark Somers]

J off course has 3 votes


SC, KWV and phatgirl.

[Mark Somers]

If it'll help any. I think Joffcourse and Harbinger should arm wrestle for first place.

[Priya]

Okay, here's the thing. My favorite is not one of the popular choices (Harbinger and J Off Course). However, of the two popular votes, I'd choose Harbinger's. But...

Choosing one of the many? I'd choose ykelot43's. I love the black knight stuff, I love the "logline" you chose. I hated the Shrek stuff, but the black knight stuff cracked me up, so it outshone the Shrek stuff.

Harbinger's and J Off Course's were great. But, ultimately, it's up to me to choose who I want to read. So...

ykelot, I'll PM you.

Great job everyone, really stellar stuff!

Congrats ykelot, Harbinger and J Off Course!

[Jcorona]

All right, man. Here I go. Priya, I know you get to pick the winner and that's all good and I like ylekot43 :D . . . BUT!!!!!, if you love the logline y chose, then why didn't you have all the contestants write something off of that?

Why am I even sticking my 2 sense into this? 'Cause I like J off course and Harbinger, too, and my opinion is useless and wasn't asked for, that's why.

Corona :D

[Adam Isaac]

Is Priya being serious? JCorona is right.

J Off Course & Harbinger, you're both probably better off not having Priya read your script.

[Priya]

All right, man. Here I go. Priya, I know you get to pick the winner and that's all good and I like ylekot43 :D . . . BUT!!!!!, if you love the logline y chose, then why didn't you have all the contestants write something off of that?

That's a good point, and I shouldn't have just dashed off a post. What I meant was I loved the "logline" ylekot chose and what ykelot did with it. It wasn't specifically that I loved that "logline." I loved all of 'em! Or, at least I thought they all had potential.

Guys, I really think that everyone did a great job! But, I did make it clear that my vote trumps the popular vote. And, for some reason, ykelot's just stuck with me (I read it way back when).

Also, Adam is probably right, you're probably better off not having me read your work.

Apologies if this has truly pissed anyone off, but I did make my intentions clear from the get go.

:)

[Adam Isaac]

I never thought you'd go through with it though.

Actually forget I said anything. It was rude of me.

[Jcorona]

Thanks for answering, Priya.

Corona :)

[Signal30]

That was a twist I saw coming a mile away...

[ylekot43]

I'll try not to screw up such a great opportunity.

[J off course]

Congrats ylekot and thanks to Priya for sponsering this contest.
Because of it, after all the times I've entered these contests on
this board, I finally received some actual votes!

That surely gave me a lift and a smile that has lasted.

from a grateful, random writer.