St. Val's Day 2007 Entries

[dpaterso]

Ooooookay. Formatting nightmare. Mixture of filetypes.

Easiest solution was to go for lowest common denominator -- plain text. Apologies to those who delivered perfectly formatted PDF files, I might have posted these on my website accessible via links here... but sometimes those pesky darn PDFs can sneak personal author info which some folks might not want to share. If there are any formatting blips blame 'em on me, not the author(s).

I'm posting the 6 entries right after this msg. Going by email and PM dialogue I had expected more than 6 but I guess Real Life caught up with some of us. :) And my own entry proved to be so crap that I wouldn't ask anyone to go through the agony of reading it, I chucked it away, it's dead, don't ask.

Read these entries when you can and PM or email me your 1st, 2nd and 3rd favorites -- don't post in the thread in case you influence anyone else's choices. After the results are announced maybe we can post comments. Seem reasonable? Or, you know, if you don't like it this way, do it your way. :)

Even if you didn't enter the challenge you're more than welcome to vote.

-Derek

[dpaterso]

A SLIP OF THE KNIFE - Fortean

FADE IN:

INT. DEATH ROW CELL - NIGHT

A fork sinks into a thick steak. A knife cuts deep into the
rare flesh, oozing with blood. With a deft movements, crosscutting
turns strips into cubes, trimmed of fat and gristle.

JAMES BAILEY, (30s), gaunt and pale in his prison garb, raises
the fork to take the first bite of his last meal. He pauses,
looks up to see HENRY, (60s), in a Pilgrim's plain black
garb, watch him with a pleasant smile.

James puts down the fork, smiles at Henry, and proceeds to
unfold a napkin across his lap.

JAMES
Are you sure you wouldn't care to
try some?

HENRY
Thank you, but no.

JAMES
There's plenty more than I need.

HENRY
You might say grace, then.

JAMES
I gave that up years ago.

HENRY
And, I stopped eating centuries,
ago.

JAMES
I still don't get it. If you're my
guardian angel, why didn't you help
me, when I was a little kid. It's a
bit late, now, you know.

James notices the strawberry sundae starting to melt.

HENRY
There are rules that guardian angels
must follow--

JAMES
(chewing on a bite)
Never helped me when all those bullies
beat the crap outta me.

HENRY
Last night, you prayed to be shown
the errors of your way and asked
that your sins be washed away.

James pushes the salad plate to the back of the food tray
and brings the sundae forward to eat his dessert first.

JAMES
I was kind-a desperate, but--
(twirling his spoon)
Can't we get outta here? Like, if I
hadn't been born, or somethin'?

Henry extends his arm out towards James.

HENRY
Touch my sleeve.

James reaches up and touches Henry's shirt sleeve.

INT. FIRST GRADE CLASSROOM - DAY

James, with fingers still on Henry's sleeve, looks up from
the rear of the classroom to see old MISS POTTER, (50s), and
a score of noisy first-graders, including DONNA HATCH, BERT
WARD, GLORIA BICK, FRANK BISHOP, PETER HINDS, and JIM BAILEY.

JAMES
Wow! Look. That's me there.

James tries to move forward to get a better view of his
younger self only to discover himself wedged between a small
desktop and its attached chair. He drops his spoon.

JAMES (CONT'D)
Hey!

HENRY
Shush. Here's where your fate changed.

JAMES
Here?

MISS POTTER
Shush.

Potter's command silences the class, except for young Jim
Bailey, who fidgets at his desk near the back of the room.

MISS POTTER (CONT'D)
Frank, would you collect the
valentines from the boys? And, Gloria,
you collect them from the girls.

GLORIA
Yes, Miss Potter.

Frank and Gloria gather valentines cut from construction
paper from their classmates. Frank stops at Jim Bailey's
desk. With a small pen knife, Jim finishes scratching "Donna
+ Jim" within an etched heart on his desktop.

FRANK
(shouts out)
Hey, Miss Potter!

Startled, Jim Bailey's grasp on the pen knife slips and cuts
into one of his fingers.

JIM
Ouch!

The knife slides over the side of the desktop onto the floor.
Blood spills onto the desk and smears onto his clothes as he
tries to staunch the bleeding wound.

PETER
Look, blood!

Noisy children rush from their seats to surround Jim.

BERT
Look at what he carved with that
knife, there!

GLORIA
Donna and Jim.
(turns to Donna, with
a mocking rhyme)
Donna and Jim, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,
And, baby makes three.

DONNA
(to Jim)
I hate you. I really hate you.

The slam of the pointer upon a desk startles all of the
children, as well as James and Henry.

MISS POTTER
Back to your seats, now!

Children retreat to their places. Miss Potter walks over to
Jim's desk, looks down at the pen knife, and, with the
pointer, she pushes Jim's bleeding hand away from the etched
valentine on his desktop. Miss Potter glares at Jim Bailey.

INT. DEATH ROW CELL - NIGHT

James Bailey looks up, with hands gripped on the sides of
his food tray, to Henry's stern scowl.

JAMES
That really was a rotten day, wasn't
it? But, do you mean to say that--
(becoming angry)
That's when my whole life changed
for the worse?

Henry nods in agreement.

HENRY
Marked, as was Cain, you never enjoyed
the friendship of your classmates,
the girl you adored--

JAMES
Donna Hatch.

HENRY
She married Peter Hinds. Your teachers
ostracized you and had you expelled.
And, when your mother died, you came
home, only to get into a bar fight
with Frank Bishop--

JAMES
I never knew that taxi driver was
Frank?

HENRY
And, you killed Bert Ward with your
hunting knife, when he tried to break
up that fight.

JAMES
Who'd'a thought he'd ever become a
cop? His gang used to beat me up,
after school, every other day, just
for the fun of it.

HENRY
If not for a slip of a knife, you
would have married Donna.

JAMES
What!?!
(dropping the food
tray onto the floor)
That's not fair! I'm gonna die,
because of what happened on
Valentine's Day in the first grade!

James seethes with anger and kicks the tray away.

HENRY
You killed a policeman.

JAMES
Okay. Okay... I see...
(calming down)
I see the errors of my way, so, please
can't you wash away my sins, and,
maybe, please, please, let me live.
(sobbing with remorse)
It wasn't really my fault, was it?

Henry extends his arm out towards James.

HENRY
Touch my sleeve.

James reaches up and touches Henry's shirt sleeve.

EXT. MANSION HOUSE - WINTER - NIGHT

James, with fingers still on Henry's sleeve, looks up at the
festively decorated mansion, in utter disbelief.

JAMES
Wow! It's like a dream come true.

HENRY
It's Christmas Eve, James Bailey.
This is your home. You married Donna
Hatch, your childhood sweetheart,
right after you won the Irish
Sweepstake.

JAMES
Wow! It's like a dream come true.

HENRY
Not exactly.... Donna's been cheating
on you with Peter Hinds--

JAMES
I can live with that.

HENRY
And, with Frank Bishop, and with
Bert Ward.

JAMES
I could live with that, too.

HENRY
And, tonight, she's stolen all of
your money and run off with her
lesbian lover, Gloria Bick.

James Bailey takes a pen knife from his pocket, slits his
throat, and falls face down into the bloody cold snow.

FADE OUT:

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knife -- The use of Jim and James as the same character really
threw me off. It was an interesting commentary on fate -- but
also IMO a little contradictory -- why would he show him the day
that supposedly changed his life when the end result is that
either way he would still end up exactly where he was? But I'm
heavily medicated right now so maybe i'm reading it wrong. ~ylekot43

A SLIP OF THE KNIFE - I liked the going back in time but didn't really feel the ending as strongly as I'd hoped for. ~Jcorona

The Knife - I thought this one was pretty good until the ending. There was no alternative to his already bad situation on death row and I also felt it ended too abruptly. Like you ran out of time. I did like how you used all the childhood characters again as adults. I think you should have calle james, James throughout and not switch to Jim. ~IndieMe

The pastiche was nicely done but I fretted over the ending, which caused entertainment levels to dip. Liked it enough to give it a vote (3rd) but could easily have netted 1st place. ~dpaterso

[dpaterso]

UNTITLED #1 - libbykins

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM- NIGHT

DETECTIVE DOUG MAYHEW, bears down on a stocky FIGURE seated
at a table.

The FIGURE's head is buried in his meaty hands, his face
obscured by sausage-like fingers and a mass of curly hair.

DOUG
Eyewitnesses put you in the
neighborhood just forty-five
minutes before the shooting. You
gonna tell me that's a lie, too?

FIGURE
No.

DOUG
'No', what? No, you weren't there
or no, it's not a lie?

FIGURE
No, it's not a lie. I was there,
okay.

DOUG
Now we're getting some place.

Doug glances to the two-way mirror on the wall.

DOUG
So, why don't you tell me what a
guy like you was doin' in a
neighborhood like that.

FIGURE
I told you, I got lost.

The door opens and a UNIFORMED OFFICER strides in, handing
over a manila envelope and a plastic evidence bag.

Doug slides a set of photos just far enough out of the
envelope to get a glimpse and shudders.

DOUG
I'll save the best for last.

He tosses the plastic evidence bag onto the table: it's full
of needles.

DOUG
How do you explain these?

FIGURE
I use them for my work.

DOUG
Oh really? I'd sure as hell like to
know what line of work you're in.

FIGURE
You wouldn't understand. Nobody
understands anymore.

DOUG
Try me.

FIGURE
There's no love, Detective.
Everybody just sits behind a
computer, anonymous and detached.
There's no humanity, no genuine
care or concern. Just words on a
screen that are more than likely a
pack of lies made up to seduce.
That's not love.

Doug pulls the photos from the manila envelope and spreads
them out on the table.

Images of disemboweled bodies in Technicolor.

DOUG
We got a set of prints on the
weapon. How much you wanna bet they
come back with your name on 'em?

FIGURE
It wasn't supposed to happen like
that.

DOUG
So why don't you tell me just
exactly how it was supposed to go
down then.

The Figure sniffs back tears and shoves the photos aside.

FIGURE
I did it for love.

DOUG
Doesn't look like love to me.

FIGURE
Everywhere you look, you see hatred
and animosity. It had to be
extreme.

DOUG
So you carved these people up just
to prove there's no love in the
world?

FIGURE
See? I told you! Nobody gets it!

His head falls with a dull thud against his forearms on the
table.

Doug pulls out a chair and straddles it.

DOUG
I'm willing to listen if you're
willing to explain.

FIGURE
June 17, 1983. Pulaski's Deli on
53rd.

Doug glances over at the two-way.

DOUG
Keep going.

FIGURE
A young cop fresh off a long shift
stops in for a sandwich and a
decent cup of coffee. He's already
had a rough day and just wants to
grab a bite to eat before heading
home.

The Figure pushes up onto his forearms, his eyes staring at
his beefy fingers clasped on the table.

FIGURE
The line was out the door but he
stuck with it because he knew the
sandwiches were worth it,
especially the pastrami on rye.

Doug shifts subtly in his chair.

FIGURE
He's not in the mood for small talk
so he keeps his head down and
shuffles closer to the counter with
the rest of the crowd. And then it
happens. He takes his eyes off his
shoes just long enough to glance up
at the counter.

The Figure, his face obscured by a tangle of curls, looks to
Doug.

FIGURE
Long blonde hair and bright blue
eyes. She looked like a porcelain
doll. She took his breath away.

Doug fights to keep his cool.

DOUG
How do you know this?

FIGURE
It's my job, Detective.

The Uniformed Officer strides in and whispers in Doug's ear
then hovers near the door.

DOUG
The prints came back.

FIGURE
I tried to be gentle, do it the
right way but it just wasn't
working.

He taps the plastic bag of needles.

FIGURE
The needles are relatively new,
supposedly more discreet but I find
them ineffective. Especially
nowadays. I had to do something
that would have a better chance at
making some kind of impact.

DOUG
Like a knife?

FIGURE
It's all I could find.

DOUG
So you decided to slice and dice
four people to make "some kind of
impact'?

FIGURE
It wasn't supposed to turn out like
that. I told you I got lost.
Somehow I got turned around and
ended up on 12th and Gimbel. But
when I saw how desperate and lonely
they were, I thought I could help.
Everybody needs love in their life,
right Detective?

Doug nods to the Uniformed Officer who slowly steps closer.

FIGURE
They started attacking me, pushing
me around and calling me all kinds
of hateful names. They needed love.
I saw the knife on a table and
grabbed it.

DOUG
And then what?

FIGURE
I tried to bring love into their
lives the only way I knew how.

Doug and the Officer sandwich the Figure, each taking an arm.

DOUG
You sure got a funny way of showing
it.

The help the Figure to his feet.

As he stands, his face is reflected in the two-way: Cupid.

Smiling sweetly, he looks up at Doug.

FIGURE
By the way, Detective. It was
supposed to be 21st and Gimbel.

Doug's jaw drops.

Fade out

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Untitled 1 -- I didn't get it --the address thing? I'll read it
again later to see if I missed something. The Cupid Reveal was
nice -- wouldn't have seen it coming but for the fact that this
was a valentines contest. ~ylekot43

UNTITLED #1 - It was okay but seemed a little wordy for my taste (that's just me) and the ending angered me. I didn't get it! But then again, I don't get a lot a things. ~Jcorona

Untitled #1 - I didn't get the address reference at all and I
think there could have been flashbacks to different locations as
the events unfold instead of two talking heads in an
uninteresting room. THIRD PLACE VOTE ~DeaconBlu

#1 untitled - Not sure what to say about this one. Not bad, but not great either. Maybe the story just failed to engage me. I'm sorry... ~IndieMe

Tough one to analyze, I didn't not like it, but I wanted to see a little more, maybe stepping outside the room for a couple of quick visual shots might have helped, and maybe describing the perp rather than just giving the name would have helped too? ~dpaterso

[dpaterso]

SHOEBOX, A MUSICAL - J off course

FADE IN

EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAY YARD--DAY

A kaleidescope of SCHOOLCHILDREN at play with the accompanying shrieks and shouts.

At the edge of this carefree bedlam, a boy, STEWART, sits alone at a
picnic table. His eyes are sullen. A bad haircut can't hide the too much
of a forehead.

He fans the pages of a book where an envelope with a heart on it consumes
his attention.

Nearby a female TEACHER ONE, in round, dark sunglasses and sunhat looks on
stoically.

She sings...

TEACHER ONE
YOU ASK ME WHO'S THAT ALONE ON THE PLAYGROUND?
WHOSE FLANNEL SHIRT'S BUTTONED UP TO HIS ADAM'S APPLE?
WELL, THAT'S STEWART.
NOT WITH A "U" SO PROUD,
BUT WITH AN "E" AND A "W" AS IN "EW".
THAT CHILDREN LOVE TO ELONGATE
UNTIL THEY'RE OUT OF BREATH.

Stewart looks over his shoulder trying to catch sight of a certain someone.
He turns back and takes the envelope out of the pages of his book.
He slides it open and runs his finger along the cover of a bright red valentine.

Across the schoolyard on another picnic table a group of girls fawn over
a pretty girl poking through a shoebox of cards.

Another female TEACHER TWO, looks on with similar round, dark sunglasses and
sunhat.

She sings...

TEACHER TWO
YOU ASK ME WHO'S THAT ONE GIRL WITH THE SHOEBOX?
THAT'S STUFFED WITH HER VALENTINES
ALPHABETICALLY ARRANGED.
WELL, SHE'S SO FINE.
THAT'S ALL THEY CARE ABOUT.
FROM THE BOYS WITH THE POLISHED SMILES...

She lowers her sunglasses with a fierce stare at Stewart across the yard,
who has stood up and stands staring in the pretty girl's direction.

TEACHER TWO (CONTINUED)
TO THE BOY WHO READS BELOW GRADE LEVEL.

Stewart stands with the envelope against his chest, rustles up some
courage deep within him to take a step.

Teacher One checks her watch and to herself...

TEACHER ONE
Just five more minutes to recess, Stewart.
If you're going to do it, now's the time.

Teacher Two shakes her head and to herself...

TEACHER TWO
Forget it kid.
Life has played enough of a joke
on you already.

But Stewart proceeds with valentine in hand.

Music in insistent legato as

Stewart makes his way through the playyard.
As though in choregraphed ballet,
the children twist and turn and cartwheel and weave and bob in and around
him.

And he makes it across almost to the pretty girl's table who now has caught
the smile of a boy naturally taller than the rest and with a uniquely polished smile.

Stewart proceeds nevertheless until a snickering brat sticks his leg out,
and whooops!

Stewart is tripped.

The music ends.

Stewart on the ground checks his bruised palms as the recess bell shrills with defeat.


EXT. SCHOOL --DAY

For a beat on the side of the building.

Windows each adorned with a red paper valentine taped to the glass.

Small hands pulls them off one by one.

A bell rings.


EXT. SCHOOL--DAY

The legs of children rushing from a door.

A girl holds a paper valentine dangling from a string of yarn.

EXT. STREET--DAY

Stewart walks home and stops at a railroad overpass.

He peers down.
Several piles of refuse of all kinds scattered about along the tracks.

Stewart takes the envelope from the pages of his book, leans over
the railing and sends it over the edge.

Something below catches his eye near where the envelope and card
has landed.

A shoebox.


EXT. DUMP YARD --DAY

Stewart makes his way down a hill and to a mound of refuse.

He picks up a shoebox and opens it.
He takes out a plastic bottle of paste, a pair of broken scissors and
blue construction paper.

He crouches and begins to play with them.

He sings...

STEWART
SHOEBOX, PASTE, CONSTRUCTION PAPER, BLUE.
ROUND-EDGED SCISSORS BROKE IN TWO.
I CAN SHOW YOU HOW THINGS MIGHT BECOME
A SHELTER FOR SOME
WHERE THE CHILDREN PLAY

MAYBE I'M BAD WITH GLUE.
MAYBE I LEARN TOO SLOW.
BUT, HERE'S A DOOR.

He holds up the shoebox, longwise.

HERE'S A WINDOW.

He holds up the shoebox lengthwise.

MAYBE I CUT ALL WRONG.
MAYBE MY LINES DON'T MEET,
BUT, HERE'S A TABLE.

He places the shoebox down flat.

WITH PLENTY TO EAT.

He takes the blue construction paper and places it over
the shoebox.

HERE'S A BRIGHT BLUE SPREAD
OVER A FEATHER BED.

He takes one half of the scissors and nestles it on the "bed"
He hesitates, and places the other next to it.

Crack!!!

A bottle shatters next to him.

He startles and stands up.

On the overpass, the brat who tripped him holds another rock to throw.
At his side, the pretty girl with the tall boy.

BRAT
He's nasty, going through the garbage
like a city rat!

He aims another rock at Stewart.

Stewart backs up and his shoe crushes the shoebox.

BRAT
They say his mother never washes behind
his ears!

PRETTY GIRL
Stop making fun of him.

BRAT
Why, cuz he's retarded?

The pretty girl grabs the hand of the tall boy and pulls him and
the brat away.

Stewart's eyes fill with tears. He dashes up to the top of the highest
mound of refuse.

He turns back towards the overpass as the music swells.

STEWART
MAYBE IT'S FOR THE BEST.
MAYBE IT'S ALL I'M DUE,
A LIFE OF SHOEBOXES, PASTE, CONSTRUCTION PAPER,
BLUE.

A girl's voice suddenly jolts him.

TRASH GIRL
Hey, get your own pile.
This happens to be mine.

Stewart turns to a small figure outlined in sunlight.

STEWART
Sorry..I..

He starts to leave.

TRASH GIRL
Wait...

The figure makes her way up the mound to him.
He can see her now.
The TRASH GIRL is his age, with a sad face smudged with dirt.

She wipes some from her nose.

TRASH GIRL
You found some paste?
I could sure use some.
You consider a trade?

Their eyes meet. There is common ground here.
They each smile.

She pulls something from a knapsack.

A used empty chocolate box in the shape of a valentine.

TRASH GIRL
It's Whitman but you could
imagine it was Godiva.

She holds it out to him.

The two at a distance on the mound.

The valentine held between them catches the sun and glistens in bright
and glorious staccato.

FADE OUT

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shoebox Musical -- Loved this. Really loved it -- The visuals
were great. Unfortunately I couldn't get the rhythem of the song
down. third place. ~ylekot43

2nd Place - SHOEBOX, A MUSICAL - Also well written. Touching. I just wish somehow Stewart would've gotten even or got the Pretty Girl. ~Jcorona

Shoebox, A Musical - Kind of quirky, hard to imagine the songs
but it's a nice departure. SECOND PLACE VOTE ~DeaconBlu

Shoebox - This one was well written and I thought it was good. However, I always feel bad when someone is bullied and in this case Stewart never really got revench or anything. He just ended up with a girl called Trash Girl. Maybe I would have felt a little better for him if she at least had a name. I think all of them should have had real names instead of Brat and Trash Girl. ~IndieMe

2nd Choice: Shoebox. I wish there was some suggestion as to the music. You know - peppy show tune or dark fugue - something to help me "hear" it. However, I felt it was very visual and liked the fact that someone had the cojones to enter a musical. ~sc111

Quirky but visual, kept my attention, tho' I had the toughest time putting any kind of tune to the important lyrics which is what denies this one a vote, but you already knew you were taking that risk. ~dpaterso

[dpaterso]

UNTITLED #2 - JCorona

FADE IN:

EXT. PARK - DAY

CUPID sits on a tree branch next to CUPID JUNIOR who's
cross-eyed and looks around forty.

Junior holds dad's bow and arrow and packs extra arrows in
the pouch strapped to his back.

Below the tree, a family picnic in progress: DAD, MOM, the
teenage SON and the LITTLE DAUGHTER who chases her LITTLE
DOGGY around a tree a short distance away.

The Son inches his way toward a GIRL who flies a kite.
They make eye contact and seem interested, especially him.

CUPID
Uh-oh. We got one, Junior.
Stick 'im.

JUNIOR
What if I miss?

CUPID
A Cupid never misses. Make me
proud, son.

JUNIOR
I'll try.

Junior cocks back the arrow. His arm trembles. He fires.

The arrow plunges straight into the Little Doggy's anus.

The Little Doggy freezes.

The Little Daughter leans in, eyeballs the arrow sticking
out of its ass.

LITTLE DAUGHTER
Lucky?

Lucky drops on his side, dead.

The daughter's frozen from shock.

JUNIOR
(to pops)
Are you proud?

CUPID
Are you crazy? And do not
retrieve that arrow. Again!

Junior draws back a second arrow, aims, fires.

The arrow goes through the Little Daughter's kneecap and
sticks out the back. She collapses.

JUNIOR
(to pops)
Proud?

CUPID
You sure you're a Cupid?

Junior flaps his wings to prove it.

CUPID
Okay, so the eyes ain't helpin'.

The Little Daughter claws her way toward her Mom who reads
a magazine on a lawn chair and is oblivious to what's going
on as is everyone else.

Cupid snatches the bow and arrow from Junior and fires the
arrow through the Little Daughter's head, in one temple and
out the other.

Junior's jaw slacks.

CUPID
Don't worry. I'll fix it. I
got that kind a power.

Cupid extends the bow and arrow toward Junior.

Junior snatches them with confidence after missing a few
times.

He cocks back the arrow, aims, fires.

The arrow pierces Dad's heart who cooks at the bar-be-cue
pit and talks to the park RANGER.

Dad looks at the arrow, at the Ranger.

They fall in love, tongue each other.

Mom notices, sits up. Her jaw slacks.

Dad rips off his wedding band, blindly flings it to the
side and it slams into the back of Mom's throat.

She chokes on it, dies on the lawn chair, her head and arms
hang limp.

Dad and the Ranger skip away together.

CUPID
You do that on purpose?

JUNIOR
No.

CUPID
Why haven't I ever seen you
with a girl, Junior?

JUNIOR
I'm saving myself.

CUPID
For what?

JUNIOR
Marriage.

CUPID
You're eight-hundred years old.
By the time I was your age, I'd
already stuck my arrow in
countless winged beauties.

JUNIOR
We're different, dad.

CUPID
Sure are, ranger-boy. Now
stick an arrow in that boy down
there before it's too late.

JUNIOR
What if I screw up again?

CUPID
I told you, I'll fix it.

Junior cocks back the arrow and fires.

The arrow pierces the Son's heart.

The Son stares at the arrow, at the Girl with the kite.

SON
I -- I love you.

GIRLFRIEND
Gosh, we just met.

SON
Can we have a big wedding?

GIRLFRIEND
What's your name?

SON
What does that mean?

The Girl inches away.

SON
Where you going?

The Girl runs.

CUPID
Uh-oh, Stick 'er, son. Stick
'er!

Junior cocks back an arrow and fires.

The arrow slams into the Little Doggy's anus.

The Son grabs a knife from the picnic table.

SON
Come back! I'll kill myself!

The Girl doesn't stop.

The Son plunges the knife into his abdomen.

He drops to his knees, falls on the knife.

SON
(whispers)
Whore.

And dies.

Cupid and Junior stare at the mess.

JUNIOR
Fix it, dad, quick.

CUPID
Oh, all right. Gimme the
arrows.

As Junior turns, he accidentally drives an arrow through
Cupid's neck.

Cupid gargles blood and falls from view.

Branches break, leaves crackle . . . THUMP.

Cupid lies dead on his back on the ground.

Junior looks down. An evil grin forms on his face.
He skin color turns red. His wings fall off. He grows
devil horns and a long, wavy, arrow-tipped tail.

JUNIOR
I ain't a Cupid, stupid.

THE END

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Untitled 2 -- You can tell the writer had fun with this -- to me
that's really important. Just one or two action lines were a
little off. Speedy nifty action though. This Gets my second place
vote. ~ylekot43

Untitled #2 - I thought this one was pretty funny and I enjoyed all the mishaps. Maybe I'm dense, but I didn't see the ending coming. :D ~IndieMe

Made me splutter my tea, some good chuckles, easily 1st place. ~dpaterso

[ylekot43]

Wish I could have done this one but I was away on business (toiling in the New York court sytem). Kudos for running the contest. My only concern about pming the votes is that it could start a precedent for contest holders (that we don't know or trust as well) to do the same.

IMO - I like seeing how people voted and why. I think this type of compare and contrast can be helpful.

But your contest -- your rules. Good luck everyone.:)

[dpaterso]

UNTITLED #3 - IHaveBigLips

FADE IN:

EXT. “EL” PLATFORM - MORNING

CANDACE(22), bookish but cute in glasses and a huge down
coat, arms full of textbooks, waits for a train.

Her breathe seems to crystallize in the cold air.

INT. TRAIN - CONTINUOUS

Candace studies a textbook, highlights a passage. She rubs
her eyes, looks around at her fellow passengers. A handsome
GUY(25) catches her eye. He’s handsome in sketchy, wrong-sideof-
the-tracks sort of way.

He smiles. She blushes, sticks her nose back in the book.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

Candace stands in front of a door in an apartment building.

She opens a textbook and removes an envelope, draws a key
from the envelope.

INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
A trendy loft apartment; red brick, a skylight, a ficus.

Rattling of the lock, the door opens and Candace peeks
inside.

CANDACE
Wagner? Come here, boy.

WAGNER(4), a sleepy-eyed German Shepard, enters from OC. He
yawns, cocks his head.

Candace moves to the kitchen counter, drops her books and the
key. Wagner follows.

On the counter: A hand-written note and a couple of twenty
dollar bills.

She reads the note. Wagner watches with minimal interest.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
(to Wagner)
Hungry?

CUT TO:

A large metal bowl on the counter, filled with dry dog food.
Candace opens a can of dog food, gagging as she pops the lid
and the smell hits her.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
Oh. My. God.

She shakes the gelatinous mass into the bowl and mixes it
with a wooden spoon.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
(gagging, to Wagner)
How can you eat this ****?

Wagner licks his chops.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Candlelight. Textbooks open on the floor, next to a pizza
box. Wagner gnaws on a piece of crust.

Candace lounges in a huge whirlpool tub, bubbles all around.
She talks into a cordless phone:

CANDACE
Seriously. Two days, not a word.
Who does that? The day before
Valentine’s-
(beat)
I know, right? Loser. I told him-
(beat)
Last year? Guess...
(beat)
I wish. Stickers. ****ing Shrek
stickers. I know! I have no idea--
right, like I’m five. We never even
saw Shrek together.
(beat)
I’m so over it. I saw El-Guy again.
Yeah. Oh, I know. So hot. He smiled
at me.
(beat)
Maybe tomorrow. I think he’s shy.

Wagner gets up and starts to drink out of the toilet.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
(to Wagner)
Wagner! No.

He looks at her, sighs, and leaves the room.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Where was I? Oh, right--

EXT. “EL” PLATFORM - MORNING

Candace waits for the train again. She’s dolled up this time;
tasteful make-up, contacts, pea coat.

INT. TRAIN - MORNING

The train’s packed. Candace sits wedged between a repellent
snoring BAG LADY(55) and a fat guy dressed as CUPID(45).
Cupid hold a basket full of roses.

Candace checks her make-up in a compact mirror, has a look
around. No sign of El-Guy.

Bag Lady stirs, snores loudly. She shifts in her seat, rests
her head on Candace’s shoulder.

Candace wrinkles her nose, pulls a small bottle of perfume
from her purse, and sprays Bag Lady.

Bag Lady sneezes violently.

INT. APARTMENT - LATER

Candace enters the apartment. No sign of the dog.

CANDACE
Wagner?
(no answer)
Wagner, honey. Yoohoo, where are
you?

She makes her way into the bathroom. Wagner’s laying on his
side, the half-eaten cardboard pizza box next to him.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
Get up, lazy bones. You hungry?
(beat)
...Wagner?

Candace looks at the devoured pizza box. Looks at Wagner. At
the pizza box. At Wagner.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
Oh, ****.

She takes out her compact, holds it up to Wagner’s nose.
Nothing. Dead as a doornail.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
You’ve got to be ****ing kidding
me.

CUT TO:

Candace on the phone in the kitchen, the yellow pages open to
“veterinarians.”

CANDACE (CONT’D)
(into phone)
You’ve got to be ****ing kidding
me.
(beat)
Dude, are you out of your mind? I
don’t have six hundred dollars.
(beat)
Seventy-five? I don’t have a car.
He’s not even my dog.
(beat)
Okay, okay. I’ll figure something
out.

CUT TO:

A large suitcase, open on the floor. Wagner next to it.

Candace stands over the suitcase and dead dog, hands on her
hips, chewing on her bottom lip. Sizing it up.

CU on Candace’s face as she goes to work. It takes an
uncomfortably long time.

CUT TO:

Candace admires her work. Wagner’s in the suitcase, his limbs
and head contorted into unnatural angles. Not an inch to
spare.

Candace is breathing hard. She zips the suitcase closed.

EXT. “EL” PLATFORM - LATER

The platform is very crowded, the lunch crowd’s infested the
place. Candace drags the suitcase toward a bench. It probably
weighs more than she does.

Cupid’s got a trench coat on, selling his roses. A young MAN
buys some flowers for his WOMAN. Candace looks on, her eyes
grow slick.

The train approaches, slows to a halt. Candace laboriously
lugs the suitcase toward the train.

She struggles to get the bag up and onto the train.

CANDACE
Wagner, god damn it!

A voice from behind her:

MAN (O.S.)
You need a hand with that?

CANDACE
**** off.

She turns. It’s El-Guy. She blushes up a storm.

CANDACE (CONT’D)
Oh! Hi, I- I’m sorry. I didn’t-

El-Guy takes the handle of the bag from her.

EL-GUY
I got it. I don’t mind. Really.

Candace beams. He theatrically motions toward the train.

EL-GUY (CONT’D)
Ladies first.

Candace steps up on the train, her back to him. She smiles
ear to ear, takes a deep breath and turns back to...

Nothing.

El-Guy’s gone. She can see him running off with her bag, a
mad look of joy on his face, imagining the spoils of his
thievery.

The train doors hiss to a close inches from her nose. Her
expression changes from furious to bemused. She laughs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Untitled 3 -- This was the entry that IMO did the best job
building a mounting sense of tension. It was the only one with
true climax. First place. Lots of fun. ~ylekot43

Untitled #3 - 1st Place - Well written, visual, good dialogue. Wonderful job. ~Jcorona

Untitled #3 - Solid entry, loved the pace, the characters, the
twist at the end. FIRST PLACE VOTE ~DeaconBlu

Untitled #3 - I don't know if I should say this here, but this one was my favorite. I loved the ending! Great writing too. :) ~IndieMe

3rd choice: Untitled 3 -- Also liked the pacing and dialogue. The charcater felt real. (I actually know someone who had put a dead dog they found in a mall parking lot into a shopping bag, then went looking for mall security to turn it over only to have it was stolen from them. ~sc111

On first read I wasn't sure about this, despite the Cupid motif and apparent break-up timing the story didn't really seem connected to Valentine's Day, the trappings appeared gratuitous. But the dead dog gave it comedy potential, sick bastard that I am I ended up smiling. 2nd. ~dpaterso

[dpaterso]

THE RUBBER DATE - DeaconBlu

FADE IN

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

MIKE snorts, scratches at the crotch of his jeans and rolls
over in bed. He is 23, disheveled and hugging a cheap
plastic, female, blow-up sex doll. She is wearing panties.

A cell phone rings. A dreary red eye opens. Mike fumbles for
the phone. He opens it and the screen reads: "Call from
Cupid." Under that it reads: "Feb 14, 2007 9:28 AM"

MIKE
Yah.

DEEP VOICE GUY
Mike, this is it. You have thirty
minutes to catch the 12 to Canton
Street.

Mike claps the phone shut. He gets up and does his morning
routine: A toilet flushes, wet hands through hair, a zit
pops. Faucet, toothbrush, he spits. A shirt, pants, and
underwear tumble off an over flowing hamper.

Wallet drops in pocket, keys scrape formica, front door
opens. He stops, turns and walks back.

MIKE
Let's go.

Mike picks up the sex doll and leaves.



EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

Mike waits at the bus stop with the sex doll under his arm.
An elderly woman stands next to him politely minding her own
business. The bus arrives. They both get on.



INT. BUS - DAY

Mike and the sex doll are sitting on the bus.



EXT. BUS - DAY

The bus rolls on.



EXT. ANOTHER BUS STOP - DAY

Mike and the elderly woman exit the bus. They join eight
other people waiting for the next bus. He stands calmly with
the doll under his arm.

A pretty, 30 something, MILF musters her courage. She raises
her upper lip in a sneer.

THE MILF
That's not something to be carrying
around in public.

Mike looks the woman over.

MIKE
Thanks.

THE MILF
Decent people shouldn't have to see
that kind of thing.

MIKE
You could submit that in writing to
the county clerk, make a petition
out of it, get one hundred thousand
of the local voting public to sign
their name saying they agree with
you then wait for the next general
election and we could get a nifty
little local ordinance saying it's
against the law. Then you'd have
something. Armed police would come,
I'd be thrown down, possibly
beaten, certainly handcuffed and
thrown in jail. I'd lose my job, my
apartment, I'd be out on the
street. To keep from starving I'd
have to rob people in broad
daylight. Old men, women, those
annoying little children hocking
expired chocolate bars for school.
I'd break into homes, loot,
pillage, maybe even rape. In a
final act of desperation I'd walk
into a large impressive bank and
masturbate so they'd throw me back
in jail where I could learn to be a
proper criminal.
All the while getting three squares
a day, bland clothing, condoms for
the nightly sodomy ritual and cable
TV paid for by the very people who
put me in there.

THE MILF
Sorry, I spoke out of turn.

MIKE
No need for you to worry. I
wouldn't rape you.

THE MILF
No?

Mike shakes his head.

THE MILF (CONT'D)
Why not?

Mike looks at her and cocks his head.

THE MILF (CONT'D)
Why not me?

MIKE
You don't look like you'd enjoy it.

THE MILF
I might.

The crowd at the bus stop suddenly takes an interest.

THE MILF (CONT'D)
Maybe. You never know. Might just
be the thing that gets me off.

MIKE
Is it?

THE MILF
Maybe. I don't know. It's never
happened.

AN OLD WOMAN
You've never been raped.

THE MILF
No, I've never gotten off.

The other people at the bus stop gasp at this and close in on
the couple. Mike points to the tiny diamond and thin gold
band on her left hand.

MIKE
You're married?

THE MILF
Yes.

MIKE
Children?

THE MILF
You don't need an orgasm to get
pregnant.

THE CROWD
Yeah. That's right. You don't.
It's true.

MIKE
I know but come on, your husband
has never satisfied you?

The crowd leans in a bit.

THE MILF
No.

The crowd gasps again. Some sad, some astonished.

MIKE
Let's go.

Mike marches over to the trash bin and shoves the love doll
in head first.

THE MILF
What?

MIKE
You and me, right now. Drop what
you're doing and let's go have sex.

The crowd leans back. Some astonished, some intrigued.

THE MILF
I - I don't know.

MIKE
Where's your husband?

THE MILF
Work.

MIKE
Kids?

THE MILF
School.

He offers the MILF his arm.

MIKE
Let's go.

THE MILF
Really?

MIKE
Yes.

The MILF's eyes meet the elderly woman's. The elderly woman
looks Mike over then back to the MILF and nods her approval.

THE MILF
Okay.

The crowd cheers and starts to follow the couple. Mike and
the MILF notice this and they stop.

MIKE
I can manage.

The crowd cheers them off. They turn back and murmur
approvingly. The bus arrives and they all get on. The bus
pulls away and two young men are standing there. The taller
man in a brown trench coat is talking on the cell phone.

DEEP VOICE GUY
I told you it works. Have fun.

He folds the phone, pulls the love doll out of the trash and
hands it over to the other man.

DEEP VOICE GUY (CONT'D)
Take this and wait for my call.

FADE OUT

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rubber Date -- This could work -- but I just couldn't get the
Mom's response to the idea of Rape. I think a longer description
of MILF couldve helped there. The dialogue flowed really well. ~ylekot43

3rd Place - THE RUBBER DATE - Nice dialogue and didn't see the ending coming. Good job. ~Jcorona

Rubber Date - I enjoyed this one as well. I thought it was pretty funny how he so casually carried the doll around with him. Funny and good reading too. Good dialogue too between Mike and MILF. :p ~IndieMe

1st choice: The Rubber Date. The pacing was really good -- I think a lot of shorts fail when it comes to pacing. I loved the dialogue. It was quirky yet intriguing. ~sc111

Made me smile in places but I couldn't quite warm to the characters or their topics of conversation, and didn't quite understand Deep Voice Guy... I'm guessing he's Cupid, but that's not too obvious, and neither is his purpose -- to get guys laid? ~dpaterso

[dpaterso]

Please note, voters, msg #6 in this thread is not a contest entry. :)

Easy enough to include votes/preferences in the comments, e.g.

"Loved the characters. Great dialogue. Very visual. Fantastic unexpected twist ending! FIRST."

-Derek

[ylekot43]

My review-- fun reads -- just about everyone had really solid pacing.

Knife -- The use of Jim and James as the same character really threw me off. It was an interesting commentary on fate -- but also IMO a little contradictory -- why would he show him the day that supposedly changed his life when the end result is that either way he would still end up exactly where he was? But I'm heavily medicated right now so maybe i'm reading it wrong.

Untitled 1 -- I didn't get it --the address thing? I'll read it again later to see if I missed something. The Cupid Reveal was nice -- wouldn't have seen it coming but for the fact that this was a valentines contest.

Shoebox Musical -- Loved this. Really loved it -- The visuals were great. Unfortunately I couldn't get the rhythem of the song down. third place.

Untitled 2 -- You can tell the writer had fun with this -- to me that's really important. Just one or two action lines were a little off. Speedy nifty action though. This Gets my second place vote.

Untitled 3 -- This was the entry that IMO did the best job building a mounting sense of tension. It was the only one with true climax. First place. Lots of fun.

Rubber Date -- This could work -- but I just couldn't get the Mom's response to the idea of Rape. I think a longer description of MILF couldve helped there. The dialogue flowed really well.

[dpaterso]

Thanks to those who have already voted, keep 'em coming.

Pick your 1st, 2nd and 3rd favorites but don't forget to comment on the others if you have time. Knowing what didn't work for you is as useful as what did work.

And just to clarify, no you can't vote for your own. :)

-Derek

[IndieMe]

I had expected more than 6 but I guess Real Life caught up with some of us.

I intended to. I was halfway finished with it and then I took a break and started playing around with Final Cut Studio....I was hooked and couldn't quit! Sorry. :)

The Knife - I thought this one was pretty good until the ending. There was no alternative to his already bad situation on death row and I also felt it ended too abruptly. Like you ran out of time. I did like how you used all the childhood characters again as adults. I think you should have calle james, James throughout and not switch to Jim.

#1 untitled - Not sure what to say about this one. Not bad, but not great either. Maybe the story just failed to engage me. I'm sorry...

Shoebox - This one was well written and I thought it was good. However, I always feel bad when someone is bullied and in this case Stewart never really got revench or anything. He just ended up with a girl called Trash Girl. Maybe I would have felt a little better for him if she at least had a name. I think all of them should have had real names instead of Brat and Trash Girl.

Untitled #2 - I thought this one was pretty funny and I enjoyed all the mishaps. Maybe I'm dense, but I didn't see the ending coming. :D

Untitled #3 - I don't know if I should say this here, but this one was my favorite. I loved the ending! Great writing too. :)

Rubber Date - I enjoyed this one as well. I thought it was pretty funny how he so casually carried the doll around with him. Funny and good reading too. Good dialogue too between Mike and MILF. :p

I pm'd my votes.....and apologies again for not entering after I said I would.

Good job everyone!

[ylekot43]

Thanks to those who have already voted, keep 'em coming.

Pick your 1st, 2nd and 3rd favorites but don't forget to comment on the others if you have time. Knowing what didn't work for you is as useful as what did work.

And just to clarify, no you can't vote for your own. :)

-Derek


Dpat -- you can clearly vote for your own. I voted for myself two hundred thirty nine times in the last competition.

See -- these comps are metaphore for Hollywood. The cheating unscrupolous bastards are the ones who get ahead.

[dpaterso]

Let me save some time by copy/pasting part of a PM reply to a DD member who expressed consternation at not being able to vote for his own entry. :)

I'm thinking that if participants are allowed to vote for their own entry in any contest, they'll do just that. And give themselves 1st place, naturally. Unless they're unbalanced. So you've got to ask yourself, what's the point? You want to take advantage of unbalanced people? That's unethical and I'm shocked, I tell you, shocked. Either way the results will even themselves out. Trust in the cosmic balance, it won't let you down.

-Derek

[sc111]

Sorry I didn't join - the deadline was tight. Although I toyed with entering the one I did a few years ago for Valentine's Day.

1st choice: The Rubber Date. The pacing was really good -- I think a lot of shorts fail when it comes to pacing. I loved the dialogue. It was quirky yet intriguing.

2nd Choice: Shoebox. I wish there was some suggestion as to the music. You know - peppy show tune or dark fugue - something to help me "hear" it. However, I felt it was very visual and liked the fact that someone had the cojones to enter a musical.

3rd choice: Untitled 3 -- Also liked the pacing and dialogue. The charcater felt real. (I actually know someone who had put a dead dog they found in a mall parking lot into a shopping bag, then went looking for mall security to turn it over only to have it was stolen from them.

:)

[dpaterso]

No worries sc, but yeah you should have recycled for fun's sake, it's unlikely anyone would've remembered. Those who might have, are maybe less active here than they used to be.

Thanks all for taking the time to read and comment. I've got the votes ready to calculate at the press of a button -- anyone got anything else to add? I'll hold off a few hours just in case last-moment votes trickle in.

-Derek

[Fortean]

Is it possible to split a vote in half, to give IndieMe and sc111 something of a consolation prize for almost submitting an entry?

No?

Okay, I'm really just asking to upset Harbinger, (who might not appreciate non-entrants getting any votes, or portions thereof). Really, I think these gals are just holding out on this challenge 'cause Adams' "Sex & Murder Short Contest" is offering booze as prizes.

I'm in!!

My favorite subjects (to write about) and my favorite kind of prize too.

[dpaterso]

Yeah, don't think I didn't notice that, 'cause I did. These challenges are turning into popularity contests fueled by greed and lust! Harbinger? Huh, I must have lost his entry and his votes... my bad.

-Derek ;)

[dpaterso]

Here are the results... I hope this formats OK...

Title_-_Author_____________________1st_2nd_3rd_Total
Untitled_#3_-_IHaveBigLips__________4___2___1____17
Untitled_#2_-_JCorona_______________2___1_________8
Shoebox,_A_Musical_-_J_off_course_______2___3_____7
The_Rubber_Date_-_DeaconBlu_________1___1___1_____6
A_Slip_Of_The_Knife_-_Fortean_______________1_____1
Untitled_#1_-_libbykins_____________________1_____1

Congrats to BigLips, whose dead dog romped ahead of the pack to secure most votes!

Not so many entries and not so many votes/comments either, surprisingly, but what there was of this short'n'sweet challenge was fun, I hope the participants enjoyed it and got something out of it.

I'm going to edit the 6 entries above and insert the comments they received, for easy reading.

-Derek

[ylekot43]

Here are the results... I hope this formats OK...

Title_-_Author_____________________1st_2nd_3rd_Total
Untitled_#3_-_IHaveBigLips__________4___2___1____17
Untitled_#2_-_JCorona_______________2___1_________8
Shoebox,_A_Musical_-_J_off_course_______2___3_____7
The_Rubber_Date_-_DeaconBlu_________1___1___1_____6
A_Slip_Of_The_Knife_-_Fortean_______________1_____1
Untitled_#1_-_libbykins_____________________1_____1

Congrats to BigLips, whose dead dog romped ahead of the pack to secure most votes!

Not so many entries and not so many votes/comments either, surprisingly, but what there was of this short'n'sweet challenge was fun, I hope the participants enjoyed it and got something out of it.

I'm going to edit the 6 entries above and insert the comments they received, for easy reading.

-Derek

I hit the Trifecta.

[Fortean]

In partial explanation, I'd indicate that my inspirations were Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, (where some spirits give an evil man a second chance), and Frank Capra's IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0038650/), based upon Philip Van Doren Stern's short story The Greatest Gift, (where a guardian angel gives a good man his second chance). The names of my characters were taken, for the most part, from the first names of the actors and the last names of the characters that they portrayed in Capra's film, (thus, "James" Stewart playing George "Bailey" becomes "James Bailey"). How many young children have experienced a classroom exchange of valentines, only to be disappointed by the failure of their first infatuation to reciprocate their affection?

As a bit of black comedy, Jame Bailey encounters his guardian angel and discovers that his life's misfortunes arose from a "slip of a knife" on St. Valentine's Day, when he was a child. He sees the errors of his way; however, this isn't IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE with Capra's sentimental optimism, and, when his sins are washed away, he thinks that his life may be rewarded with his true love and an elegant life. Life isn't like that, ("a dream," tho the pessimism is emphasized here). No one has been praying on Christmas Eve for this cop-killer. No matter how good and forgiving one might be, others can wreck your life and steal away your love. With another "slip of the knife," James Bailey ends the tragedy of a doomed love.

Technically, I ought to have more clearly indicated "JIM BAILEY" was the childhood version of "JAMES BAILEY," but I thought the dialog, which followed immediately, was enough:

JAMES
Wow! Look. That's me there.

This could be easily filmed as a short: a few simple locations, (a prison cell, a classroom, and the snowy exterior of a mansion, near Christmas); three adult actors and simple lines for a handful of child actors; and, a bit of stage blood. Five pages were enough for this stab at dark satire.

Thanks, Derek.

[IndieMe]

Congratulations BigLips!

I really enjoyed it.

To everyone else....I hope you don't hold grudges. :)

[IndieMe]

Technically, I ought to have more clearly indicated "JIM BAILEY" was the childhood version of "JAMES BAILEY," but I thought the dialog, which followed immediately, was enough:
You did fine! It's just that it's distracting to read two different names for the same character. We knew it was the younger version of James, it would just have read better if he was called James all the time. :)

[Jcorona]

Congrats, IHaveBigLips!

I got votes! :D Thank you to whoever voted for me and thank you to whoever took the time to read it. I really wasn't expecting any. Was just trying to add some funness to the contest.

Thanks, Dp. :)

Good job, everyone.

Corona

[J off course]

Congrats Biglips! I voted for yours for first place but honestly, I thought
SC111 had written it. It has her typical strong character you want to
follow. I loved it.

I wanted to include a link to a mp3 sound file for the music to my
musical but didn't have the time to figure it out. To answer SC111's
question, the music sung by the teachers is like a Sondheim kind of
thing, very much remaining on a couple of notes.
Stewart's song is a typical heart-tugging ballad. Think "Where is love?
from "Oliver"

Thanks Derek for your efforts.

[DeaconBlu]

Congratulations on the win BigLips!

Derek, thanks for the effort. Can hardly wait till the next one.

[Harbinger]

Congrats Big Lips. A deserved winner.

Some very good entries, but Big Lips just had that edge.

I could tell it was his work. The style mirrored his Christmas short. Good news, Big Lips. You have a distinct definable style. That can only bode well.

I would have entered but alas Fate and an internet virus (goddamn Trojans!) took that out of my hands....next one though :)

PS. As to Fortean's half-point suggestion, I utterly condemn such an outrageous folly. The rules clearly stipulate the point allocation. This isthe work of a madman...and an anarchist, hellbent on tipping the scales and spilling the bathwater.....and what then? Square pizzas, Articulate presidential speeches, Cats chasing dogs, Will and Grace becomes funny. Everything all to hell!

PPS. And well done Derek for braving the hosting experience. Many have tried failed and never quite been the same again!

[sc111]

Congrats BigLips - and I take it as a compliment that JoffC thought your entry was written by me.

For the record - my 3 picks were all really neck-in-neck in terms of which I gave first place. Good stuff guys!

:)

Edited to add: D-Pat -- thanks for doing this & I think your decision to post the shorts without author's names is a great way to go for future exercises.

:)

[Mark Somers]

I just now got around to reading the entries and alas Derek had the authors names above

each. I kinda wanted to guess.



Congrats Biglips.


Fortean, "A slip of the knife". I didn't get a satisfying ending here. A note though. I

really liked how you put together just about all the loglines in the Random Logline contest,

very clever. Both well written.



libbykins, "Untitled #1". I saw cupid half way through the pages. And I don't get it.



J off course, "Shoebox, a musical". Your stuff always has heart. Well written and I think

the "Trash girl" should have a name.



Jcorona, "Untitled #2", I think this is the first work of yours I've ever read and this is

fvcking Hilarious. Excellant timing and fvcking funny, dude. I now must hate you. :)



IHaveBigLips, "Untitled #3", very well written. I didn't see the climax coming.




DeaconBlu, "The Rubber Date". I kinda seen it coming but that's good too. Good Dialogue. The

long speech the doll toting guy gave was great. Not too long at all, it worked. I think at

the end you could have shown the Deep voice guy as cupid. Like a wing poping out of his

trench coat momentarily or something.



Great stuff all around.

[ihavebiglips]

Thanks folks. Congrats to everyone that entered, good job all around.

Thanks again to Derek, for putting in the legwork.

PS - Derek, yeah, in retrospect the Valentine's Angle in my short does seem pretty forced.

[libbykins]

Thanks, Derek, for organizing the challenge!

Congratulations to Lips! Great short!

And a BIG thank you to whoever gave me the pity vote that at least put me on the board!!

I rarely post here and have never participated in any of the challenges so I decided it was time to just dive in.

I banged out the pages in just under an hour and did a very fleeting run through before sending them in. It shows. Apologies for the disappointing and confusing mess that found its way into the contest. I've learned my lesson.

Thanks again and congrats all around.
Lib

[dpaterso]

Thanks all for the thanks, but no need, 'twas my pleasure, I'm a Virgo, admin tasks like this turn me on.

Please note - reader comments have been inserted after each of the entries. Scroll back up and re-read your entry just in case you missed seeing the comments.

-Derek