March Madness Entries - Invitational Round - ADULT CONTENT WARNING

[Adam Isaac]

AYN RAND

INT. COMMUTER TRAIN – DAY

PROFESSOR (40’s) is sitting by himself on a noisy train. He has salt and pepper hair, thin reading glasses, and a cheap brown suit.

He is reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, elated by the experience.

BEGGAR (30’s) comes onto the train wearing a thick winter coat with greasy hair and a plethora of plastic bags.

He flops down next to Professor who looks up from his book.

BEGGAR
(Pleadingly)
Excuse me. Sir. Spare some change so that I can get some food?

Beggar holds out his hand. Professor thinks for a beat, then sits up smugly.

PROFESSOR
Hmmm. An interesting proposal. Let’s see.

Professor takes his wallet from his back pocket and starts fishing around.

PROFESSOR
How many units of joy would you say that giving you a dollar would give me? Huh?

Professor takes out a dollar and starts waving it at beggar.

PROFESSOR
I’m asking.

Beggar shrugs his shoulders.

PROFESSOR
Ah, a quiet one. Well, charity and altruism are plagues of Western Civilization, my friend. By giving you this dollar, I am effectively degrading your position to the point that I get at least one dollar of value out of my satisfaction of being better than you, no? So, is that what you really want?
(beat)
I’m asking.

BEGGAR
I don’t know. I’m just hungry.

Professor pushes his glasses up.

PROFESSOR
Just hungry, huh? That’s convenient. You need to understand, my good friend that we live in a world of imaginary rules. Rules that society tells that we need in order to survive. Isn’t that convenient? There is nothing about authority written in the manual of nature. People can do what they want. That’s what I’m here to tell you-

-SNAP- beggar punches Professor in the face. It’s a good clean jab down the pipe and it snaps the Professor’s head back.

Beggar grabs the dollar and exits the train. Professor holds his now bleeding nose.

FADE
TITLE CARD: A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. -Ayn Rand

FADE TO BLACK

[Adam Isaac]

A REALLY IMPORTANT SKIT

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

T-shirts, flip-flops and ball caps on, DRACULA,
FRANKENSTEIN and WOLF MAN push a cart down an aisle.
Dracula tosses a package of blood sausage into the cart.

WOLF MAN
Put ‘em back. We’re on a budget.

DRACULA
We’re on a budget, we can’t buy blood
sausage? You let Frankenstein get those
“D” batteries!

WOLF MAN
Frankenstein needs batteries to function.

FRANKENSTEIN
For the last time, I’m Frankenstein’s
monster. My name’s not Frankenstein.

DRACULA
Then what is your name?

FRANKENSTEIN
I dunno. I was thinking of calling myself
Kevin. Like Kevin McHale from the Boston
Celtics. He was tall. Good rebounder.

Wolf Man grabs a box of Count Chocula cereal, tosses it
the cart. Dracula leers at him.

DRACULA
Funny.

WOLF MAN
What?

DRACULA
You’re getting those to mess with me.

WOLF MAN
I happen to like Count Chocula cereal.

DRACULA
You know I have a lawsuit pending against
General Mills and you deliberately
grabbed that box to irk me. Here-

Dracula grabs a box of Frankenberry cereal.

DRACULA
Eat these.

WOLF MAN
Man, I’m not eatin that sh*t! Why’d you
file a lawsuit anyway?

DRACULA
Residuals. I never gave permission to use
my likeness and Dracula’s gotta eat.

WOLF MAN
Fool, that ain’t it. You just mad cuz
they made you look gay on the box!

DRACULA
Look at that box, now look at me. That’s
defamation of character!

FRANKENSTEIN
I actually like their image of me. Makes
me look friendly.

WOLF MAN
Glad you like the box cuz the cereal
f*ckin sucks.

FRANKENSTEIN
At least we have a cereal.

WOLF MAN
Don’t even trip. You know why I don’t
have a box.

DRACULA
Please. Here you go with this, again.

WOLF MAN
Yeah, here I go. You ugly bastards get
cereal boxes and what do I get?

DRACULA
Maybe they can put your picture on a
package of chicken.

WOLF MAN
Ha-ha, you got jokes. They don’t wanna
give a brown brotha no play.

FRANKENSTEIN
What about that movie Teen Wolf?

WOLF MAN
Teen Wolf? That minstrel show? Givin a
white boy the star role set us back 25
years. I should yank the bolts out yo’
neck for even bringin that sh*t up.

DRACULA
You know what, Wolf Man? I’m sick of you
using the color of your fur as an excuse
all the time.

WOLF MAN
Big surprise, the whitest white man on
earth sayin that. Know what I’m sick of?
You usin up all the damn toothpaste.
(MORE)
Got blood on your fangs? Rinse with
water, muthaf*cka. Leave my motherf*ckin
Mentadent alone.

DRACULA
That’s why nobody likes you. A$$hole.

FRANKENSTEIN
Guys, come on-

WOLF MAN
Stay out of this, Kevin.

FRANKENSTEIN
Kevin? Nah, not Jewish enough.

WOLF MAN
Maybe I am an a$$hole, Count Dracula.

Maybe that’s why I put garlic in your
spaghetti last night.

Dracula glares at a smirking Wolf Man. Panting.
Temperature rising.

DRACULA
I... I coulda died, you...

Dracula pounces on Wolf Man. Frankenstein, eating from
the box of Count Chocula, watches as they fight.

Dracula strangles Wolf Man. A shelf full of food falls on
them, burying them. Frankenstein gapes.

FRANKENSTEIN
Oy vey!

Wolf Man and Dracula explode from under the self, having
transformed into hideous monsters. Wolf Man roars.
Dracula hovers in air, sneering, revealing sharp fangs.

Frankenstein spots something on the floor...

FRANKENSTEIN
Guys!

Dracula and Wolf Man turn to Frankenstein who holds a box
of the little seen, little known “Fruit Brute” cereal
with a Wolf Man on the box.

Wolf Man approaches with awe. The wolf on the box looks
like a Hanna-Barbera reject.

FRANKENSTEIN
You see... to them, we’re all monsters.

Dracula, Wolf Man and Frankenstein turn to the camera
with forlorn faces. Frankenstein’s eyes water.

FADE OUT.

[Adam Isaac]

THE DAILY FAMILY

INT. LOAN OFFICE

An American man, a Chinese woman and their son sit across the desk from the Loan officer.

LOAN OFFICER
Okay, if you can just bear with me for a moment so we can get these forms filled out, get your loan processed, then we can get you out of here.

The family nods.

LOAN OFFICER
(to the man)
Your last name is Daily, first name Jack, is that right?

JACK
Yep.

LOAN OFFICER
And your middle name?

JACK
Offie.

LOAN OFFICER
That's a unique name. How do you spell that?

JACK
O-F-F-I-E. It's Greek. Means friend of God.

LOAN OFFICER
Huh, interesting. So lets see here, Jack Offie Daily.

The Loan Officer chuckles.

JACK
Something funny?

LOAN OFFICER
Your name is Jack Offie Daily?

JACK
Yes. Jack Offie Daily.

The Loan Officer chuckles a little louder. Jack looks at his wife and son. They shrug their shoulders.

JACK
I don't see what's so funny.

LOAN OFFICER
Really? You don't see what's funny about the name Jack Offie Daily?

JACK
No, I don't.

LOAN OFFICER
Okay, sorry. Lets move on to you Ms. Daily. Your first name is Hoshi? That Japanese or Chinese?

HOSHI
Yes. H-O-S-H-I.

LOAN OFFICER
Okaaay great. Your middle name?

HOSHI
Tanya.

LOAN OFFICER
Tanya?

HOSHI
Yes, my mom was American.

LOAN OFFICER
Okay, so your full name is... Hoshi Tanya Daily?

HOSHI
Yes. Hoshi Tanya Daily.

The loan officer covers his mouth trying to hide his laughter.

JACK
What is so funny?

LOAN OFFICER
Her name is Hoshi Tanya Daily.

JACK
Yes. That's right, Hoshi Tanya Daily.

The Loan Officer cracks up.

HOSHI
What's so funny about Ho...

LOAN OFFICER
No. No. Don't say it again. Sorry, I'm sorry. Lets move on. Okay, lets move on. Your sons first name is Fa?

JACK
Yes F-A.

LOAN OFFICER
Uh huh. And I'm almost afraid to ask. His middle name?

JACK
King.

LOAN OFFICER
HA!

Covers his mouth.. tries to composes himself.

LOAN OFFICER
Your sons full name is, let me get this right, Fa. King. Daily.

JACK
That's right. Fa King Daily.

The loan officer's face turns red.

LOAN OFFICER
Does he ever get tired of it?

JACK
What?

LOAN OFFICER
F**king daily?

Fa looks up thinking his name has been called.

FA
What?

The Loan Officer is in full crack up mode now.

LOAN OFFICER
Oh my god. This has to be some kind of joke. Am I on Candid Camera or something? Oh my god.

He falls out of his chair in laughter. Jack and his family stand up in a huff.

JACK
This is ridiculous. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

LOAN OFFICER
Jack Offie Daily! Hoshi Tanya Daily! Fa King Daily! Wait, come back.

They storm out.

IN THE LOBBY

JACK
That's the third time this weak. I just don't get it.

HOSHI
Some people are just rude like that.

Fa King Daily sighs.

[dpaterso]

GUY AND TANYA AT SIX

NEWS DESK WITH TV NEWSROOM BACKGROUND

Anchors GUY EMBALMING-FLUID (mature, fatherly) and TANYA VON
POPPERCLOGS (blonde bimbo) sit at their desk. HANDS reach
into shot to adjust mic cables and earpieces, straighten
Guy's tie, brush Tanya's hair. Tanya slaps the hands away.

GUY
As charming as ever, slut.

FLOOR MANAGER'S FINGERS count down the seconds.

FLOOR MANAGER (O.S.)
Here we go, on three, two, one...

TANYA
Screw you, boy molester.

Guy and Tanya become immaculate professionals and smile at
the camera.

GUY
Good evening, this is Channel Kay
May Day Lay news and I'm Guy Embalming-
Fluid, reporting said news at six of
the clock.

TANYA
I'm Tanya Von Popperclogs and this
evening's main news headline is:
Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.

GUY
The government's "free sex-aids for
all" proposal was violently opposed
by morality groups, but the bill was
thrust through Congress with plenty
of lube to grease the process thanks
to a causas of fiesty women Senators
who finally wised up and banged their
male colleagues senseless in return
for their support.

TANYA
Yet no one could have foreseen the
consequences of that remarkable bill.
Within 24 hours supermarkets up and
down the country were besieged by
members of the fairer sex.

GUY
One member of that fairer sex is
with our roving reporter, Dan "The
Man" Filibuster in the nation's
glittery capital. Over to you, Dan
"The Man."



IN FRONT OF A WHITE HOUSE BACKGROUND

DAN FILIBUSTER (handsome ex-jock) microphone-interviews
RAMONEA (30s woman) who's so excited her eyes are about to
pop out.

DAN
Thank you Guy, I'm here with Ramonea
Clusterfirkin who was one of the
first ladies in line when the doors
opened bright and early at six o'clock
this morning. Ramonea, may I ask
what you purchased?

Ramonea doesn't just talk, she yells like a woman possessed:

RAMONEA
Are you kidding, I bought the biggest
vibrator they had, I bought me the
Hercules Triple-X Satisfier, and
every woman better get herself one
of those because it does exactly
what it says on the box!

DAN
I take it you're a supporter of the
"free sex-aids for all" initiative?

RAMONEA
Best idea this country ever had!
Screw the world's problems! Screw
defense! Screw healthcare! This is
what we should have had decades ago!
It's in and it's staying in forever!
Wild horses aren't gonna drag this
mutha outta me! Satisfaction!
Satisfaction! Satisfaction!
MMMmmmnnnnaaaAAAAAAAARRRGH!

Ramonea has a standing orgasm, she has to cling onto Dan,
who remains deadpan as he catches her.

DAN
(to camera)
So there you have it, the women of
America have spoken. Back to you in
the studio, Tanya.



NEWS DESK WITH TV NEWSROOM BACKGROUND

Tanya stares at the camera, lost for words. Guy takes up
the slack.

GUY
Uh... thank you Dan "The Man" for
that in-depth investigative report
from the nation's gold-paved capital.
It's said many stores have already
run out of the Hercules Triple-X
Satisfier, whose wrapping boldly
proclaims "twenty-six inches of
jackhammer satisfaction," and other
stores only have marginal stocks
remaining.

Guy waits for Tanya to take her cue. She doesn't.

GUY
Well, OK. Some other news that is
doubtless just as important...

Tanya bolts from her chair and runs O.S.

GUY
Good Lord what is that smell, is the
woman ovulating or what?

Guy receives unseen signals from O.S. that puzzle him.

GUY
All righty. You've been watching
Channel Kay May Day Lay news. This
is Guy Embalming-Fluid reporting,
for that news.

END SKETCH

[dpaterso]

BIRDSUCK

INT. JET ENGINE RESEARCH FACILITY - CONTROL ROOM - DAY

A GUIDE shows a party of VISITORS around the small control
room. The party look weary. Battle worn. As if they've
already gone through quite an ordeal.

GUIDE
And this brings us to the final
stage of the tour. Our world
renowned Birdsuck division.
(turns to visitor party)
And Believe me this has nothing to
do with oral gratification of big
bird.

A rehearsed laugh -- greeted by a horrified silence. One
VISITOR covers her CHILD's ears. The guide's eyes focus on
the kid's Sesame Street lunch box. He clears his throat.

GUIDE
Well anyway… you may know it as
Bird strike, but that seemed a
little accusatory on our part. I
doubt the bird willingly attacks a
high powered jet engine headfirst.
I mean what would be the motive?
Suicide maybe, but then you have to
question how self-aware a chicken
is. Or just what would drive them
to….

He's lost them. In fact they look pretty pissed. He indicates
a dark window leading to the adjoining room.

GUIDE
Ahem... if you'll turn your
attentions to the window, you'll
see our diligent work force
grafting away.

He snaps on a light switch to reveal through the window--

--NED, a yokel in ill-fitting dungarees. He stands next to a
roaring jet engine. The rest of the room is empty.

GUIDE
Now what we quickly discovered was
there's really no actual way to
simulate the effect of birdsuck
here on dry land so...

Guide presses a buzzer. Ned salutes. Scampers off. He returns
dragging a chain past the window. Along the chain to reveal--

--A Huge cannon. Printed on the side; CHICKEN CANNON. The
cannon is positioned pointing at a roaring jet engine.

A dawning horror creeps across the Visitor's faces. Guide
speaks into a mic on the control panel.

GUIDE
Ned, if you please.

Ned leaves. He returns, struggling to keep hold of a live
chicken. With a lot of effort he loads it into the cannon.

BOOM.........wheeeeee..........Thhhhrupthhhhh.

Ned coughs as he's enveloped in a cloud of bloodied feathers.

GUIDE
...Any questions?

One visitor, the FATHER of the child, steps forward.

FATHER
This… this is barbaric.

GUIDE
Really. I rather like to think they
enjoy it. Well momentarily anyway.

FATHER
This is not research. This...this
is monstrous use of a chicken.

GUIDE
Oh I must object sir. I've seen
monstrous use of chicken while
holidaying in the Philippines. I
don't care how they tried to
justify it. That chicken did not
look in the least bit aroused.

The Father's anger grows. He looks through the window at the
gormless Ned. BOOM.........wheeeeee..........Thhhhrupthhhhh.

FATHER
And is he even qualified to operate
that kind of machinery?

GUIDE
Well... not really
(sheepish)
He's actually the chicken man. This
way we get them wholesale.

Father opens the door that leads from the control room to the
adjoining room. He shouts across at Ned.

FATHER
Hey you, stop th-

BOOM.........wheeeeee..........Thhhhrupthhhhh.

FATHER
--at.

GUIDE
Please, sir. Ned is a consummate
professional. You interrupt him he
could lose another finger.

FATHER
This is horrible. I mean, aren't
there other animals you can use?
Rats perhaps?

NED
We tried ole Crunchie once.

FATHER
Crunchie?

Ned points to a worn dog collar hanging on a hook. Guide
looks at the floor. Crosses himself.

GUIDE
It is surprising the winged
capacity of a spaniel's ears.

NED
Shot straight through the skylight
he did.

GUIDE
They say muffled howls could be
heard well through the night. God
only knows when he landed.

NED
Tried an armadillo once too.

Ned giggles his toothless giggle.

NED
That sucker rattled around in there
like a woodlouse in a wind tunnel.

FATHER
Right that's it! I've heard enough.

The Father grabs his child's arm and pulls him away.

GUIDE
Sir, you must understand this
procedure ultimately saves lives.
It's not like we do this for our
own twisted amusement.

Father and son storm out of the control room. Across the
adjoining room. Straight past Ned, towards another door.

EXT. JET ENGINE RESEARCH FACILITY - LARGER ROOM - DAY

Father violently swings the door open. He and his son stop in
their tracks. Another chain. Along the chain to reveal--

--An even bigger Cannon. Along the side the words; ELEPHANT
CANNON. Father meets the gaze of a goofy looking CLOWN
pulling the cannon. The clown waves an oversize novelty hand.

FATHER
Oh you people are sick!

FADE OUT:

[Adam Isaac]

ANIMAL AWARENESS


INT. A TELEVISION NEWS ANCHOR DESK.

MALE HOST, young and handsome and not
easily impressed.

HOST (to viewers)
And now here to discuss "Animal Awareness"
is America's sweetheart, former movie star
and animal rights advocate, Miss Doris Day.

On "DORIS DAY" (exagerated hair do, excessive
make-up with rosy cheeks and heavy eyelashes.
A bit tottering and feeble with a smile beyond strained, more like painful)

DORIS
Well, gosh, hi.

HOST
You've brought us some video today which
you believe supports your contention
that animals have become self-aware,
something thought to be only an attribute
of a higher species, the human.

Doris leans over, cups an ear,

DORIS
Are we on yet?

HOST
Let's get to your video and
you comment on what we're
seeing.

Behind them projected-

A video montage of security cameras in various
locales.
At each locale PIGEONS collect near the
camera, sometimes on top of them.

DORIS
You see there, they know
their existence is validated
by the images from these cameras.
They are as enthralled as we
are by them and their behavior
changes in response to them just
like us humans.

HOST
They look like they're crapping
over everything like they normally
do.
I mean, the cameras make great
perches and cameras are just
everywhere these days,
Miss Day, help me understand.


Now projected behind them-

A COW wanders around rickshaws and
old cars in what looks like some vintage
footage of an Indian metropolis.

DORIS
Cows are wandering off the farm
onto city streets searching for
fame.

The Host shakes his head.

HOST (aside)
Doris, I think your glass bottom
boat has hit coral.

Another projection off to the side of the
other, forcing Doris to turn in her chair to
view it.

DORIS (annoyed)
As Rock Hudson used to say,
"Dear boys, you've got me all
turned around"

Projected-

A checkerboard of small videos.

DORIS
These are all the videos
you get when you google
"animals" on that Youtube.

HOST
John Belushi seems to be
in half of them..I don't
see...


DORIS
Even in your audience,
I spot an animal just hungry
for camera time.

On the audience.

A WOMAN in a pig mask, she
holds a stick of dynamite that sizzles and
smokes at one end.

HOST
That's one of your entourage.
Sorry, I'm frankly unconvinced
with your evidence which seems to
show only that cameras have
multiplied like rabbits.

DORIS
Rabbits are camera shy.
They always photograph with
pink eyes.

HOST (trying to salvage the interview)
Before you go, talk to us
about your Malibu animal rescue.

She shakes a finger at the desk.

DORIS
Look! Another example!

The host leans over to examine something
very small.

HOST
What are those?
Looks like, yikes.. uggh...
genital crabs?

DORIS
Where could they have
come from?

HOST
You didn't use the greenroom
toilet did you?

DORIS
Well, I had to do
number six.

HOST
Number six?

DORIS
As you get older,
the numbers go higher.

HOST
Well, like they say,
With six, you get eggroll!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

DORIS (pointing at the desk with
increased agitation causing her
wig to become askew)
Look there, what did I tell you,
they're aware of the camera.
They're spelling something
out on the desk.

HOST
I don't believe it,
they can't possibly...

DORIS
What does it say, fellow?

HOST
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!!!!!

[Adam Isaac]

PULP REALITY

INT. LIMOSUINE – DAY

KELLY PRESTON smooths the fabric on her elegant evening gown.
She holds a small digital device in the other hand.

TRAVOLTA (OS)
Music.

She presses a button on the device. It plays Stayin' Alive.

JOHN TRAVOLTA sits next to her in a black tux coat with a
white shirt, both of which look plastic, not the soft pliable
stuff, hard storm trooper plastic. Also, he's bald.

TRAVOLTA
No, I told you. Wait 'til I start
moving.

She turns it off. He moves his arms back and forth like he's
walking. The suit makes an awful racket. She turns the music
on.

TRAVOLTA
They are going to love this. I’m
walking. I’m walking.

He stops. The music continues. He gives her a look.

TRAVOLTA
When you ask me why we have to
practice, this is why we have to
practice.

The DRIVER calls back to them.

DRIVER
Almost there, Mr. Travolta.

His eyes catch Kelly's in the rear view mirror. She squints,
evilly, to an eerie WA-WA-WA-WA-WA sound. The driver's head
tilts against his will.

DRIVER
Almost there, Mr. Travolta and the
lovely and brilliant Kelly Preston.

She releases him. He’s freaked.

TRAVOLTA
You gave her adjectives. Where are
my adjectives?

DRIVER
The handsome and, uhh, plastic,
Mr. Travolta?

TRAVOLTA
Thank you.

He grabs a strand of Kelly’s over sprayed hair.

TRAVOLTA
That means versatile, my crispy potato,
because plastic is versatile. Hair me.

Kelly snaps what looks like a Lego man’s helmet onto his
head. She then picks up an equally rigid tie and snaps it
onto the plastic shirt.

This is when we notice the tops of his legs are completely
bare. She sighs.

TRAVOLTA
They chafe. I cannot help that they
chafe.
(to driver)
Driver, slow down. We need a moment.

The driver’s eyes dart to Kelly for confirmation, since he’s
scared sh!tless of her, now. She nods.

With difficulty, Kelly fastens the top pieces of the plastic
pants with little confidence in the whole ensemble.

TRAVOLTA
Fear not, my luminous appendage. It
is the gift I was given. I had them
doing this.
(Saturday Night Fever points)
I had them doing this.
(V fingers over the eyes)
I will have them wearing this. It
will be a sensation never before
sensated in this lifetime.

The brakes sing, sounding their arrival.

TRAVOLTA
Pretend like you're fixing your
hair and give me some alone time on
the carpet.

Kelly rolls her eyes.

The driver opens the door and Travolta steps outside onto the-

RED CARPET

Velvet ropes hold back swarms of fans and the press. The
cameras are already flashing.

Kelly gets out and stays by the limo, fluffing her hair.
Travolta tosses his thumb at her for the crowd.

TRAVOLTA
Girls.

He takes the first step. Second step. Nothing but the crowd
and suit’s clatter.

TRAVOLTA
(grunts to Kelly)
Music.

She squints - WA-WA-WA-WA-WA - and puts her foot down.

The front of his pants snap off in four pieces. As he
scrambles to gather them, the back pops off. He screams. His
boxers say "Hubbard's Cupboard" on the rear.

The flashbulbs go wild. Travolta frantically reassembles the
tux.

TRAVOLTA
Kelly, assist me!

Kelly turns the music on at high speed. This makes her smile
at last.

But then she senses something. She turns, glaring directly
into the camera - at you!

WA-WA-WA-WA-WA

[Adam Isaac]

THE INTERVIEW (1 of 2)


INT. OFFICE - DAY

DON CONNORS, a 50-ish, bald, overweight, business executive sits at his desk shuffling through resumes.

DON
(frustrated)
Everybody’s got an MBA…everybody’s worked at a Fortune One hundred firm. All the same.

JAN, Don’s secretary buzzes through on the intercom.

JAN (O.S.)
Mr. Connors, your three pm interview is here.

DON
(un-excited)
Ok, Jan. Send him in.

WAYNE KOOL walks through the door, wearing flip-flops, cut-off jean shorts and a t-shirt with “I’d rather be snorting coke of a hooker’s ass” on the front. Wayne is 30-ish, disheveled, but good looking.

Don looks at Wayne as he enters and does a double take.

WAYNE
Don, nice to meet you. Wayne Kool. Kool with a K.


Don, not sure what the hell just walked in, stands up half way to shake hands with Wayne.

DON
Don Connors. Have a seat.

Wayne sits in the chair in front of Don’s desk.

DON
So, Mr. Kool,--

WAYNE
C’mon Don, first name basis here.

DON
Ok. So, Wayne, I don’t seem to have a copy of your resume.

Wayne reaches into his jean shorts and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to Don. Don opens it and sees only the word “Kool” drawn in red crayon.

WAYNE
Cool, huh?

DON
This is your resume?

WAYNE
C’mon Don, we’ve both been in this business long enough to know that resumes don’t mean anything.

DON
There’s probably an element of truth to that.

WAYNE
(confidently)
Look, you’re the VP of Operations for the largest international management consultant firm in the country, correct? I, am your next senior consultant.

DON
Mr. Kool, I don’t think—

WAYNE
Don, what is management consulting really about? I mean, seriously. It’s about getting paid a crap load of money for doing absolutely jack ****. Am I right?

DON
Not exactly.

WAYNE
Then you’re working too hard, my friend.

WAYNE
Don’t get my wrong, by jack **** I mean making up buzz word acronyms, drawing flow charts, and confusing upper management with non-sequitur details.

DON
Wayne, I don’t know if you really understand what we do in this company.


WAYNE
This company is all about building relationships, right?

Don perks up and smiles.

DON
Yeah, exactly.

WAYNE
Oh, I build relationships, Don. I build them so ****ing tight that clients call back three years later to do the same jack **** all over again for double the price. New acronyms, new flow charts, blah blah, blah.

Wayne grunts and thrusts his pelvic area forward.

WAYNE
How you like me now?

Don smiles and nods in agreement.

[Adam Isaac]

THE INTERVIEW (2 of 2)

WAYNE
And the beauty of it all? The CEO’s gonna go play golf with his other CEO buddies and tell them about all the great jack **** we just did. So we just got ourselves a few more clients.


DON
What about the international market, do you speak any other languages?


WAYNE
I barely read at a fourth grade level, Don. But I speak the international language of "Gimme yo money, bitches!"


Don stands up and walks to the liquor cabinet in his office.


DON
Would you like a drink?


WAYNE
Does the Pope **** in the woods?

Don pours two glasses of whiskey and hands one to Wayne.


DON
When can you start?

WAYNE
I already have.

Don and Wayne click glasses and drink.

DON
(trying imitate Wayne, but not nearly as cool)
Gimme yo money bitches!

Wayne and Don laugh.

FADE OUT

[Adam Isaac]

Untitled (1 of 2)

Two fishermen in a boat, on a calm lake.

TED
Ahh the memories we’ve had in this lake ay Ned?

NED
Great memories indeed Ted.

TED
Like that eight-pound bass last week.

NED
You caught an eight-pound bass?

TED
Full 2 lbs bigger than that trout of yours last season.

NED
That skimpy thing ain’t even on my radar, not after that NINE-pounder yesterday.

TED
Now I know I was with you till sunset.

NED
I came back that night. I did.

TED
All by yourself?

NED
Couldn’t sleep.

TED
Huh. So you went fishing?

Silence, fishing.

TED
Did I ever tell you about the time I caught a 200-lb
dolphin off the Keys?

NED
And it’s not on your wall?

TED
It escaped. From my car trunk.

NED
On dry land?

TED
He was a tough son-of-a-bitch.

Silence, fishing.

NED
Reminds me when I single-handedly endangered an entire species of fish.

TED
Is that so Ned?

NED
Yes sir. Wildlife Association wasn’t too happy about it, but off the record they said it was pretty freakin' amazing.

TED
Amazing is me blindfolded on the Amazon bobbin’ for piranha. How do you think I got this scar on my lip?

NED
Thought ya’ burned your mouth on a hot fish stick.

TED
Noooo sir, you won’t ever catch me with a microwave fish dinner.

NED
Or a fish dinner.

Ted takes a moment to digest Ned's newfound amusement.

TED
Might you be implying something Ned?

A brief, awkward moment.

NED
Heaven knows I fish like a four-armed Eskimo on speed, but sometimes you with your, you know...

[Adam Isaac]

Untitled (2 of 2)

TED
No, go ahead and spit it out Ned.

NED
I’m not trying to scale your gills, but back home, people who fished like you, we called them octapussies.

TED
Octap*ssy? I’ll have you know I was down by the river and I wrestled a salmon away from a bear. I said get your paws off my damn fish you bear, and he scampered off into the woods.

NED
Bear schmare, I caught a 20-foot squid and taught it sign language. Its tentacles went just like this-

Ned demonstrates his errant squid sign language.

TED
I’mma let’ya finish.

Ned finishes.

TED
That actually translate to something?

NED
Sure does Ted, It means-
(With errant sign language again.)
Please spare my life oh great fisherman who has expertly ensnared me.

TED
Did you show the squid mercy?

NED
Heck no, I swallowed it whole right then and there! Tasted like chicken.

TED
I harpooned Moby Dick with toothpick and dental floss. Spearmint.

NED
Well f*ck that! One time I reeled in the entire city of
Atlantis and had dinner with Poseidon! Do you hear me?! I ate with the Greek god of the sea!We had steak and he ate with his trident! Then we talked about what great a fisherman I am!

TED
Long John Silver’s my gay lover!

NED
That’s about enough outta’ your clamhole. We’re settling this right here, right now!

TED
A fishing duel?

NED
Next fish wins.

They both cast their lines.

TED
Good luck against the man who caught the Loch Ness Monster with jar of Vaseline and a coffee can.

NED
Well how about the time I caught 2 fish and was able to feed 5,000 hungry souls?

TED
I’ll feed that fat mouth of yours with my next catch.

NED
Ted you couldn’t catch syphilis if you dipped your pole in a bleeding hooker.

Their reeling and casting intensify. Ted's line tugs.

TED
Holy mackerel I got one!

He yanks it in. The fish tail flaps in Ned’s face.

TED
Wait till the boys hear about this one.

NED
Hey Ted?

TED
What’s that Ned?

NED
Did I ever tell you about the
time I killed a man to win a Fishing contest?

Ned turns with a murderous glare. Blackout.

[dpaterso]

UNTITLED #2

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY

Painted red lips part into a sick smile, a sheen of saliva coat the teeth.

On John Wayne GACY (40), fat and sloppy in a clown suit. Leaning against the base of the memorial, looking up at Honest Abe.

CAPTION: JOHNNY

GACY
This is the true story...

INT. SMITHSONIAN “CASTLE” ON THE MALL, DC - DAY

On Ted BUNDY (28). Square jawed. Devilish smile. Admiring a hot young woman licking an ice cream cone.

CAPTION: TED

BUNDY
... of seven serial killers...

EXT. ARLINGTON CEMETERY - DAY

On Ed GEIN (45), looking shy. Wrapped in a huge wool coat, fingerless gloves. A shovel in hand.

CAPTION: ED

GEIN
... picked to live in a house...

EXT. JEFFERSON MEMORIAL - DAY

Sitting on the steps of the Memorial is pudgy, balding David BERKOWITZ (39). Petting a dog on a leash.

CAPTION: DAVE

BERKOWITZ
... and have their lives taped...
(to the dog)
Shhhh...

EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE, DC - DAY

Outside the wrought iron fence of the White House stands Henry Lee LUCAS(40), American Idol of redneck killers.

CAPTION: HENRY LEE

LUCAS
... we’ll see what happens...

EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT, DC - DAY

On Jeffrey DAHMER (33), longingly gazing up at the phallic obelisk before him.

CAPTION: JEFF

DAHMER
... when people stop being polite...

EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT, DC - DAY

Looking up at the phallic monument with disgust, a gnarly-toothed sneer spread across her blotchy face: AILEEN WOURNOS (35).

CAPTION: AILEEN

WUORNOS
... and start being real.

She hawks up a huge loogie, spits it out.

TITLE CARD: THE REAL WORLD, DC

INT. REAL WORLD HOUSE, DC - DAY

Typical DC housing. Dirty mattresses on the floor. Boarded up windows. Poster of Marion Barry giving a thumbs up, crack pipe in mouth.

CU on Aileen’s face, contorted in anger and disgust. She’s looking at something on the floor.

INT. CONFESSION BOOTH - DAY

On Aileen.

WUORNOS
I mean... dirty sons of... Just ‘cause I got a god damn cooter don’t mean I got to clean up their fvckin’ messes, ya know? Fvckin’ men...

INT. REAL WORLD HOUSE, DC - DAY

Aileen’s going ape sh!t. Spittle flying from her crooked mouth as she yells.

WUORNOS
That’s all I’m fvckin’ sayin’! You make a mess, pick up after yourself. God damn!

CU on Ed Gein.

GEIN
It weren’t me. I promise it weren’t.

CU on Bundy.

BUNDY
(smiling)
I was out. Had a hot date...

Aileen sneers. Is that jealousy on her busted mug?

CU on Gacy. In his clown suit, looking dumbfounded as usual. He honks a horn.

CU on Dahmer.

DAHMER
I always clean up after myself.

WUORNOS
What about that sh!t in the tub?

DAHMER
(okay, you got me)
...

Finally, we see what the mess is - Berkowitz. Spread out all over the floor. Murdered. Shot. Stabbed. Strangled. Bitten. Dead.

CU on Henry Lee.

LUCAS
I killed Jimmy Hoffa.
(beat)
I did.

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY

Painted red lips part into a sick smile, a sheen of saliva coat the teeth.

On John Wayne GACY (40), fat and sloppy in a clown suit. Leaning against the base of the memorial, looking up at Honest Abe.

CAPTION: JOHNNY

GACY
This is the true story...

INT. SMITHSONIAN “CASTLE” ON THE MALL, DC - DAY

On Ted BUNDY (28). Square jawed. Devilish smile. Admiring a hot young woman licking an ice cream cone.

CAPTION: TED

BUNDY
... of six serial killers...

[Adam Isaac]

WAGON TRAIN (1 of 2)

INT. PRISON VISITOR’S AREA - DAY


Guards are positioned around the room as inmates meet with friends and loved ones.


All the criminals look hardened. That is, all but one.


JOEL, 22, a tall, lanky boy who’s so white he’s clear, taps nervously on the table.


ALEX and STRICK, frat-boy types, both 22, enter the room and take the chairs opposite Joel.

JOEL
Thank God you guys came! You gotta get me outta here!


ALEX
So, it’s really bad in here, huh?


Alex and Strick lower their heads to hide their smiles.


JOEL
I’m begging you guys - I can't take this anymore! I'm going crazy in here!


Alex and Strick chuckle - they can barely contain their laughter.


JOEL (CONT’D)
What? What is it? What’s so funny?


ALEX
Nothing, man.


STRICK
No, we’re with you, dude. Go on. What happened?


JOEL
I don’t know. It’s like I was setup or something. All I remember is that the cops came bursting in my
room with nightsticks and--


Alex and Strick bust up laughing.


JOEL (CONT’D)
What’s so funny?!


ALEX
Dude! We so got you!


STRICK
Yes!!!


Alex and Strick high-five. Strick leans into Joel with his hand raised for a high-five.


STRICK (CONT’D)
We got you man! C’mon! Up top!


Joel does not reciprocate the high-five.


JOEL
You two?! You did this?!


ALEX
Damn straight!


JOEL
Why would you do this to me?

[Adam Isaac]

WAGON TRAIN (2 of 2)

ALEX
Remember that time you pulled my pants down at the baseball game and it got on the jumbotron?

JOEL
Yeah?

ALEX
Now were even.

JOEL
Even?! I’m in JAIL!

Joel slams the table.

JOEL (CONT’D)
Do you know what they did to me?! They stole my shoes!

Alex and Strick again try to hold back their laughter.

JOEL (CONT’D)
I was traded for peanut butter and a carton of Kool’s!

Alex and Strick clutch their guts.

JOEL (CONT’D)
Five guys forced me on a bottom bunk and threw a blanket over the top bunk and had their way with me!

STRICK
He got the covered wagon!

Joel watches as Alex and Strick fall to the floor in tears of laughter.

JOEL
You guys are azzholes!

The laughter stops. Alex and Strick look to Joel.

STRICK
Dude. You don’t mean that.

JOEL
No, you guys are both complete and total azzholes.

ALEX
C’mon man, relax. It was a joke.

JOEL
I WAS RAPED!

Alex and Strick bust up laughing.

JOEL (CONT’D)
I swear to God, when I get out of here, you guys are dead! You hear me, dead!

Alex and Strick look at Joel like he’s a monster.

ALEX
What’s your problem? That's so uncool.

STRICK
What a dick.

ALEX
C’mon, let’s get out of here.

Alex and Strick leave the visitor’s area.

Joel seethes. He then looks over to the INMATE next to him. The Inmate holds up a carton of Kool’s and a jar of Skippy brand Peanut Butter.

He winks at Joel.

JOEL
(calls out)
Guys? Guys?! GUYS?!

[Adam Isaac]

STUART GOES TO WASHINGTON (1 of 3)


On Black Screen: STUART GOES TO WASHINGTON

INT. WAITING ROOM (Senator Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters)
Stuart’s sitting beside his mother on a monster leather Sofa.

SECRETARY
I can help you now, Mrs., Ms….?

MOM (To Secretary)
Yeah, I’m here to volunteer on the phone lines.
Your phone person told me to, ‘just show up’.

SECRETARY
Right, and your name please?

MOM
Yes, but excuse me… I have to go, ya-know, (whispers)… to the bathroom.
Would it be ok if STUART stays here with you until I get back?

SECRETARY
Of course, Ms., Ms., Mmm….

MOM (to secretary)
--We don’t need to go there, honey.

Stuart’s Mom places her hand on a jar filled with
Sour Patch Kids candy- prominently placed upon the Secretary’s desk.

MOM (cont.)
…and you may want to can these SUGAR DEMONS before…

(POV STUART)

Stuart’s gaze is already upon the candy.

MOM
Now Stuart, you sit here with Mrs., Ms., Mmm ,THIS PERSON ,and Mommy will be back in a minute.

STUART
OK
------------------Stuart’s gaze is shaken by A WOMAN and a group of REPORTERS who follow her.

FEMALE REPORTER
Excuse me, Senator?

SENATOR CLINTON
Yes?

REPORTER
According to nearly every single poll, you’ve had some difficulty
connecting with younger voters during your courageous charge
to the nomination. Senator, how do you intend on addressing this
apparent shortcoming?

SENATOR CLINTON
I’m glad you asked.
I notice a young constituent -- right here!

The Senator approaches Stuart.

SENATOR CLINTON (to Stuart)
What’s your name, Son?

STUART
Stuart.

The Senator sits down beside Stuart.

SENATOR CLINTON (leaning in to Stuart’s personal space)
What did you say, Son?

STUART
You’re not my Mom!

SENATOR CLINTON
No, Son, I’m not your Mom. But I represent so much more than your Mom.
I’m like your Mom on steroids.

STUART
Whaa…?

Stuart tries to kick Senator Clinton off the sofa.

[Adam Isaac]

STUART GOES TO WASHINGTON (2 of 3)

SENATOR CLINTON
I think I may have an idea, Son.
You like candy, right?

STUART
You’re not my MOM!
Did you say candy?!

SENATOR CLINTON
Yes! And not just ANY candy. SOUR PATCH KIDS candy!

SENATOR CLINTON
Let me show you how this works.
I give you candy, and in turn, you …

The SENATOR places her hand on Stuart’s knee.
STUART attempts to shove the Senator away to arms-length.

STUART
You’re not my Mom on steroids.

A REPORTER chimes in.
No son, she’s not your mom on steroids.
But according to her former campaign manager, she’s a MONSTER!

The Senator’s eye’s GLOW RED. Stuart’s eyes open WIDE.
He inches himself further away from the Senator.
Her head SNAPS toward Stuart as she lurches toward him.
Stuart begins to struggle--contorting his body for maximum distance.

(ENTER) OBAMA , horns on head, with a flicking, prehensile tail.

OBAMA (to SENATOR CLINTON)
Put my people down!
Eh, let my constituent GO!

SENATOR (looking more and more like Godzilla)
Your people! YOUR PEOPLE!
…What about MY PEOPLE?


Stuart’s in this fight for the long-haul. Sour patch kids are going in his mouth at a rate that would make Ronald Reagan blush.

Mom enters the room, fixed on the MONSTER and what appears to be SATAN while trying to find her Son STUART.


MOM
Who’s in charge here?
…Hey you big Galoo! (to the Senator who looks like Godzilla)
Just what do you think you’re doing with MY BOY?

Stuart breaks free from Godzilla’s clutches and runs towards his Mom.
Obama trips Stuart but Stuart doesn’t fall down.

OBAMA (to Stuart)
You belong on MY team, Son!

STUART
You’re not my DAD!

MOM
Now YOU just hold on there ya-big…

Stuart’s Mom squints her eyes and inches closer to Obama.

MOM (cont.)
Ya-big, White?
(SQUINTS EYES)
Black?
Horny man?

Stuart looks at Obama like, ‘now you got a problem’.

OBAMA (stomps his foot and shouts)
--BIG BLACK HORNY MAN! --I’m a BIG, BLACK, HORNY MAN!

Obama points to both horns.

SENATOR CLINTON (now fully morphed into GODZILLA ) GROWLS and points to Stuart.
I… WANT…HIS…VOTE!

[Adam Isaac]

STUART GOES TO WASHINGTON (3 of 3)

MOM (to Godzilla)
Well now, you can’t even handle HIS vote.
Look at him…he’s just a simple boy!

(ENTER) FORMER PRESIDENT CLINTON, holding 6 buckets of take-out food.
He makes lascivious, prolonged eye contact with Stuart’s mom.

BILL CLINTON
Who wants KFC?

STUART (with a mouthful of candy)
Dad?

FADE TO: EXT. WHITEHOUSE PHOTO of STUART sitting on FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON’S LAP

FADE TO BLACK

[Adam Isaac]

Tart of Gold

FADE IN

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

At the back of the alley is a small, thrown-together stage with a card table set up on top with a series of microphones.

A crowd is gathered around. Members of the press are out in full force, complete with flashing cameras and video recorders.

A large fellow decked out with gold chains and other various “bling” walks on stage. He is PIMP PERRY. He approaches the microphones.

PIMP PERRY
A’ight, listen up. This is all going down in a matter of seconds. She’s gonna make a quick statement, then we outta here. Ya feel?

The crowd is worked up, voices yelling out over one another.

REPORTER #1
Pimp Perry, Pimp Perry! Why did she do it? Why would she put her entire career at risk like this?

Perry shrugs off all the yelling and questioning and stands firm.

PIMP PERRY
Here she is ya’ll, the loveliest lady of the night you all have ever saw.

It is AMBER TART - early 20’s, thin, attractive. She is a sweet young thing, wearing a way too short mini-skirt and form fitting top.

She walks up, stands next to Pimp Perry.

PIMP PERRY (CONT'D)
Come on baby doll, let’s get this over with.
Amber clears her throat

AMBER TART
(southern drawl)
First off, I’d like to thank all of ya’ll for coming out here tonight. I really wish it wasn’t under these circumstances, but here we are.

REPORTER #2
Amber, how could you do it? Why defile your reputation so?

AMBER TART
Yes, it is true, that over a series of months I did accept money from one Congressman Harley in exchange for sexy favors. I feel dirty, ashamed, and I just hope that one day you all can forgive me.

REPORTER #3
Miss Tart, how exactly do you move on from this? You offered up your services to a congressman for God’s sake. How do you expect to be able to bounce back from that?

AMBER TART
I understand that this isn’t something that can just go away. Unfortunately, it is with a heavy bosom that I announce the end of my streetwalking career. I am sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me.

Pimp Perry rests his hands on his shoulders, a tear falls from his eye.

PIMP PERRY
It’s a’ight baby, it’s a’ight.

AMBER TART
I look at my time as Pimp Perry’s best girl with a sense of what might have been, what could have been. I could have retained the respect of my peers, but instead I have let everyone down.

REPORTER #1
What are you going to do now Amber?

AMBER TART
I plan to start the first ever “Ho’s, Just Say No” foundation. Stressing the importance of saying no to ever doing our business with any sort of filthy politician. It simply isn’t worth it. The loss of integrity and honor.

PIMP PERRY
Together, we all’s can build a better future for da streets, aww yeah.

AMBER TART
Remember ho’s, just say no to politicos!

FADE OUT:

THE END

[Adam Isaac]

PAPA'S TIRE & RIMS

INT. - TIRE & RIM STORE - DAY

PHIL (20’s) is working on a shiny wheel display. The shop is very clean and muzac with a heavy beat is playing in the background. Phil is wearing a crisp mechanics uniform with a white patch on the right breast that says “Phil” in a red cursive lettering.

DOUG (40’s) enters. Doug is wearing an outift that speaks of preppy urban.

PHIL
Yo Big D. How’s it hangin’

DOUG
Yeah Papa Hotel. What’s up.

They hit fists in an urban handshake. Phil peers over Doug’s shoulder.

PHIL
Yo man, that’s a nice ride you got out there.

DOUG
Yeah, it’s tight huh? It’s the new H2 back drop convertible with the lift kit. It’s not even out retail yet. So I need to get some fat rims for this baby.

PHIL
Aw fo’ reals. Yo we just got these rims here in yesterday.

Phil motions over to the display stand he was cleaning. The rims are shiny.

PHIL (CONT’D)
Check out these NUB five-o’s. They are gonna be hot you want something fresh, these ain't even left the oven yet.

DOUG
Da-amn! Right, that would clean up my ride fo’ sho.
(beat)
Sold. I’ll take 5.

PHIL
Five?

DOUG
You know I gotsta cover the spare tire. Can’t be caught wit yor pants down my nephew.
(beat)
How much I got for you?

Phil walks behind the counter.

PHIL
A balla like you? You can handle it.
Phil checks the computer.

PHIL (CONT’D)
That’ll be 6 G’s. I am going to throw the installation in for you for free, cause that’s the kind of guy I am.

DOUG
Da-amn. I guess you betta throw some shiz in for free for 6 G’s!

PHIL
And then we just have to make sure your sizes are approved.

DOUG
Ah well, we ain’t got nothin’ to worry about on that front. my credit is aw-ight.

Phil pulls out a ruler. He steps over to a curtained area in the back corner of the store.

PHIL
If you’ll just step right over here behind the curtain I can get your measurements.

Phil’s eyes dart down to Doug’s pants and back up to Doug’s face.

DOUG
My measurements?

Doug’s eyes dart down to his pants and back up to Phil.

PHIL
Yo man, that’s the requirement. You can’t be having no huge ass schlong and sporting these rims! How would that be fair. You have to fit within the required guidelines.

DOUG
Yo. I ain’t never heard of that kind of shiz before.

PHIL
That’s new for all the 2008 models. It’s concrete balla regulation.

Doug scrunches his face in a decisive moment. He looks up as if the answer will fall from the sky.

DOUG
Fine. But we have confidentiality here right?

PHIL
Fo’ shiz, bro.

Doug steps behind the curtain and his hand reach down to his jeans area. Tight shot of Doug’s face looking around.

Phil matter-of-factly takes the measurements and enters them into a computer.

PHIL (CONT’D)
Huh.

Doug steps out from behind the curtain, buttoning up his jeans.

PHIL (CONT’D)
Yo man, I have good news and, well, I have bad news. You are just under the limit.

DOUG
Awww yeah boyeee. Thas right! Gimmee those hot ass wheels.

Doug is dancing around with his arms up in the air and he is singing his hips in a gyrating motion. Phil is smiling and shaking his head slowly while the invoice is printing. He hands the invoice over to Doug.

PHIL
Yeah you’ll be getting the honey’s now, Yo. Good luck with that.

Fade out.

[Adam Isaac]

JUDGES,

dpaterso is the man with the plan regarding your MARCH MADNESS votes for the evening/morning(3/21-3/22). I'll probably be closing mine for a bit, and then be back tomorrow. Send to Derek, and make SURE you vote for your TOP 5 in order.

Thanks

And the 14 entries are:

AYN RAND
A REALLY IMPORTANT SKIT
THE DAILY FAMILY
GUY AND TANYA AT SIX
BIRDSUCK
ANIMAL AWARENESS
PULP REALITY
THE INTERVIEW
UNTITLED
UNTITLED #2
WAGON TRAIN
STUART GOES TO WASHINGTON
TART OF GOLD
PAPA'S TIRE & RIMS