March Madness 2008 Championship!!!

[Adam Isaac]

Barnyard Antics

FADE IN:

EXT. BARNYARD - DAY

It’s spring, the sun is shining bright.

A large barn is the centerpiece, surrounded by a large yard and acres of fenced in field.

The flowers are in bloom, life of all kind thrives in the barnyard. The chickens, cows, pigs, goats, and everyone else, both parents and children, are enjoying a typical barnyard spring day.

Two adorable piglets (pink as can be, large innocent eyes, wet snouts), OSCAR and MEYER, enjoy a game of hide-and-seek.

OSCAR
Ok Meyer, it’s your turn to hide!

MEYER
Gosh, you’ll never find me this time, I promise!

Oscar closes his eyes while Meyer takes off to find the perfect hiding place.

OSCAR
1! 2! 3...

Meyer runs about, desperate to hide.

OSCAR (CONT'D)
4! 5! 6...

Meyer makes his way across the barnyard to the barn and pushes the door open with his snout.

OSCAR (CONT'D)
7! 8! 9...

INT. BARN

Meyer shoots across the barn, stumbles over the bails of hay, to a far off corner. He digs down into the hay, covers himself up, and waits.

OSCAR
(OS)
10! Ready or not, here I come!

Meyer tries to remain still with the hay scratching his nose. He can’t take it any longer!

MEYER
AH-CHOO!!!

EXT. BARNYARD

Oscar runs around, looking everywhere, but stops at the sound of the sneeze.

OSCAR
I heard that! I know you’re allergic to hay! Here I come!

Oscar makes his way to the barn and pushes the door open with his snout.

INT. BARN

Oscar looks all around.

OSCAR
Sooey pig, sooey Meyer!

In the corner, Meyer struggles not to sneeze again. He gets even closer into the corner, face first.

He notices a small hole and peeks out to back of the barnyard outside. Something unusual grabs his attention.

Oscar walks up, and spots him.

OSCAR (CONT'D)
I found you!

Meyer is quiet.

OSCAR (CONT'D)
Sooey Meyer, I found you! Hello?

Meyer slowly turns around and faces Oscar.

MEYER
(stone-faced)
Oscar...peek through this hole and look out in the back of the barnyard.

OSCAR
You’re just a sore loser, trying to change the subject. I found you, I found you, I win again!

MEYER
Just do it.

OSCAR
Fine, fine. What’s the big deal anyway?

Meyer moves over a bit, and Oscar makes his way over to peek through the hole to reveal:

BERTHA COW, alone in the shadows of a large oak tree, is spread out on the ground sucking a teat on her own large milk udders.

Oscar, shocked and appalled, backs away from the hole and stares at Meyer.

MEYER
See! I told you!

OSCAR
(beat)
Blargh!!!

Oscar vomits all over the hay.

OSCAR (CONT'D)
Oh God, oh God, sorry about that Meyer. I couldn’t help it. Just...oh my God. Why? For the love of God, why!?

MEYER
(disgusted)
You’re guess is as good as mine! I wonder if she’s still going at it.

Meyer makes his way back to the hole and peeks out to reveal:

Bertha Cow is still going at it, even more into it than before. The froth from the milk is draining out of the sides he her mouth.

BERTHA COW
Mmmmmmmmmm, moooooooooo!

Meyer backs away from the hole.

MEYER
(beat)
Blargh!!!

Meyer vomits all over the hay.

MEYER (CONT'D)
Yeah...she’s still going at it.

OSCAR
This is insane. The feed trough and water bucket is right there! No less than five feet from her.

Oscar makes his way back to the hole and peeks out to reveal:

Bertha Cow is still going at it, only this time BILLY GOAT had joined in on the feeding.

OSCAR (CONT'D)
THIS IS A BARNYARD, NOT A CRAZY PERVERSE DEVIANT DEN!

MEYER
What’s wrong? Is she still going at it?

OSCAR
Bertha Cow and Billy Goat, both of them, sucking at her milk teats simultaneously.

BERTHA COW
(OS)
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, mooooooooooo!

BILLY GOAT
(OS)
Mmmmmmmmmm, b-b-baaaaaaaaaaa!

MEYER
This isn’t natural!

OSCAR
That’s it, let go out there. We can’t just sit back and let this happen.

Oscar and Meyer gather their senses and make their way out of the barn and to the back of the barnyard.

EXT. BARNYARD

Oscar and Meyer look around and spot the action.
Bertha Cow, Billy Goat, and now HENRIETTA HEN are all feeding from Bertha’s milk teats.

HENRIETTA HEN
Mmmmmmmmmmm, cluck, cluck, cluck!!

Oscar and Meyer’s jaws drop.

OSCAR
Just what in the world are you guys doing!

Bertha Cow, Billy Goat, and Henrietta Hen freeze right in the middle of the feeding. Their mouths still on the teats, milk froth draining down their chins.

MEYER
The feeding trough and water bucket is right there, just feet away from you all!

Bertha Cow, Billy Goat, and Henrietta Hen all wipe the milk froth from their mouths, stands up, and acts like nothing unusual is going on.

Oscar and Meyer’s mom, PENELOPE PIG, walks over.

PENELOPE PIG
Alright guys, I brought he udder cream. Let’s do lunch!

Penelope Pig notices her kids, freezes.

OSCAR/MEYER
MOM!?

FADE OUT:

THE END

[Adam Isaac]

The E! True Hollywood Story: Mickey Mouse (1 of 2)

FADE IN

NARRATOR (O.S.)
The first great American cartoon star.
(beat)
The most beloved Disney character of all time.
(beat)
A troubled mouse with a dark, scandalous past.
(beat)
This, is E! True Hollywood Story: Mickey Mouse.

CLOSE ON GOOFY, the floppy eared Disney character.

TITLE DISPLAYED ON SCREEN: Goofy - Former Best Friend and Co-worker.

GOOFY
Gawrsh, we used to have a lot of fun.
(laughs)
We went camping, ghost hunting, and we even opened a gas station one time. Those were the days...

CLOSE ON FRED FLINSTONE, the friendly, prehistoric, cartoon character.

TITLE DISPLAYED ON SCREEN: Fred Flinstone - Former Friend.

FRED FLINSTONE
Though we never worked together I used to visit him at the Magic Kingdom. He was a swell guy, I knew he was gonna be huge.

NARRATOR (O.S.)
Success came easy for Mickey. He captured the hearts of young fans all around the world. But with success also came temptation.

CLOSE ON GOOFY.

GOOFY
Mickey developed a wild side that took me by surprise. Gawrsh, he went from playing checkers with me, to hard parting with a rabbit. I don't want to mention any names, but the rabbit in question tends to make poor directional choices in Albuquerque.

CLOSE ON BUGS BUNNY, chomping on a carrot.

TITLE DISPLAYED ON SCREEN: Bugs Bunny - Friend and Current Narcotics Anonymous member.

BUGS BUNNY
There were a lot of drugs...and the p*ssy, you wouldn't believe the amount of p*ssy that was being thrown our way!

CLOSE ON Fred Flinstone.

FRED FLINSTONE
Yeah, I hung out with Mickey and Bugs one time--almost wrecked my marriage. I won't go into details but let's just say it took a couple bottles of antibiotics and a year of marriage counseling before Wilma would even talk to me again.

CLOSE ON Bugs Bunny.

BUGS BUNNY
Mickey and I had this rivalry, you see. I mean, we were the two biggest cartoon stars in the world. So it carried over into our personal lives as well.

Bugs Bunny takes a bite from his carrot

BUGS BUNNY (CONT'D)
It was always like "I bet you can't smoke this" or "I can snort more than you." We were crazy!

NARRATOR (O.S.)
Mickey's wild partying ways came to a sudden halt when a beautiful young female mouse entered his life.

CLOSE ON MINNIE MOUSE.

TITLE DISPLAYED ON SCREEN: Minnie Mouse - Mickey's Ex-Wife.

MINNIE MOUSE
Of course I'd heard the rumors, but he was just so darn cute! He cleaned his act up and we were married within a year. Six months later we had our first litter.

CLOSE ON GOOFY.

GOOFY
Minnie was a Godsend. I couldn't believe the change in Mickey--he was a loving husband, great father, and I had my old friend back again.

CLOSE ON Bugs Bunny.

BUGS BUNNY
In hindsight, of course Mickey made the right decision. But at the time I was pissed--we were partners in crime! Hares before hoes!

NARRATOR (O.S.)
Mickey's healthy living didn't last long, and though his addictions were kept out of the public eye, those close to him knew he was spiraling out of control.

CLOSE ON Minnie Mouse.

MINNIE MOUSE
I was in denial at first. Everyone thought we had the perfect life and I wanted that so bad! But it was obvious he loved the drugs and alcohol more.

Minnie sobs a little and wipes her eyes

MINNIE MOUSE (CONT'D)
When he started bringing home those skanky rat bitches, that was it for me. I took the kids and left.

NARRATOR (O.S.)
The point when Mickey hit rock bottom is up for debate, but one thing is certain: the bottom was very deep.

[Adam Isaac]

The E! True Hollywood Story: Mickey Mouse (2 of 2)

CLOSE ON Goofy.

GOOFY
I think Mickey hit rock bottom when Minnie walked out. Well, not at the exact moment she left, because he was high as a kite and getting quite frisky with a couple groupies.

CLOSE ON Bugs Bunny.

BUGS BUNNY
A lot of people blame me for getting Mick back on the sauce.

Bugs Bunny shrugs.

BUGS BUNNY (CONT'D)
They're probably right.

CLOSE ON Fred Flinstone.

FRED FLINSTONE
That was one f*cked up rabbit.

CLOSE ON Bugs Bunny.

BUGS BUNNY
I think Mickey and I both hit rock bottom at this cartoon festival in Amsterdam. It was like Disneyland for adults! I mean, even Mickey gets tired of those stupid spinning tea cup rides.

CLOSE ON Fred Flinstone.

FRED FLINSTONE
I heard from Yogi and Daffy that Amsterdam was the beginning of the end for those two. Bugs is the type of guy who'd sell his own mother for a good time. And when him and Mick hung out, it was like fire and gasoline.

CLOSE ON Bugs Bunny.

BUGS BUNNY
To be honest, I don't even remember most of the trip. What I do remember is when we flew back to L.A., airport security was all over Mickey asking him why he was a mule.

Bugs chomps on his carrot.

BUGS BUNNY (CONT'D)
Poor guy was so stoned all he kept saying was, "I'm not a mule, I'm a mouse."
(laughs)

CLOSE ON MICKEY MOUSE, an extremely bloated, bloodshot eyed, sad looking version of who he used to be. He smokes a cigarette, avoiding eye contact with the camera. His once happy and cheerful falsetto voice is now deepened from years of cigarette smoking and alcohol abuse.

TITLE DISPLAYED ON SCREEN: Mickey Mouse.

MICKEY MOUSE
Rock bottom? This morning in stall number two at the West Hollywood McDonald's men's bathroom.

Mickey takes a drag from his cigarette.

MICKEY MOUSE (CONT'D)
I'm not proud of it. I don't quite have the cash flow I used to, so when I need a fix I do what I gotta do.

CLOSE ON Minnie Mouse.

MINNIE MOUSE
I heard he was in rehab...again. I think he's gonna make it this time.

CLOSE ON Mickey Mouse.

MICKEY MOUSE
I've fallen off the wagon so many times I've got more bruises than a wife who don't listen.

Mickey pauses, then looks at the camera man.

MICKEY MOUSE (CONT'D)
Wait, can you cut that last part about wives and bruises?

FADE OUT