Using words you're not sure they'll understand?

[DBense18]

Do you write what you want to write, hoping the reader can pick up on the words?

Or, "dumb it down" to an extent to make sure they understand completely?

Or, spell out everything to insure it's easy to comprehend?


These questions has sparked to mind because I am in a debate whether to change a character, currently named FEMALE DANCER, to SWAMP DONKEY. And not sure if everyone can pick up on a general derogatory term. :shifty:

[wcmartell]

I wouldn't understand Swamp Donkey. It's about communication - if I have to stop and look something up, you've taken me out of the "movie". And what have you gained?

- Bill

[altoption]

That sounds like a great disparaging name to use in dialogue. Never heard it before and I'd find it confusing as a character name without any explanation. Boy, do I feel dumb.

[sppeterson]

It's a cool and memorable name so I'd go for it if the character has more than a couple 8ths a page of screen time -- but, yeah -- definitely have someone onscreen explain what a swamp donkey is.

[ducky1288]

I've heard swamp donkey once. It was used on the movie Eurotrip once and the european guy used "swamp donkey" "lick" and "balls" all in one sentence so I can only have one idea as to what it is lol. :rolling:

[Sinnycal]

I thought this was going to be about thesaurus words.

People love made up slang, are you kidding? Diablo Cody won an Oscar for it.

[Charli]

I think it all depends on the context. If 'we' the reader understand it's a put-down, then it doesn't matter, but if it's just out there, that reference will just go way over our heads.

[ComicBent]

Swamp Donkey?

So it's a general term for a type, not a specific name? I'm with Martell on this. I did not know the phrase.

But as Charli said, context if everything. Sometimes you can figure it all out, but sometimes not.

[TheKeenGuy]

It's fine to use "Swamp Donkey" if you either explain the context within the film, or if the context is not relevant to the audience's understanding of the narrative.

However, yeah, if you say "Just then, a beautiful SWAMP DONKEY steps out on stage" most readers are going to get the wrong idea and think you are about to re-enact that scene from Clerks II.

It's in your best interest to make the script read easily and make sense.

[Naudikom]

SKANK will suffice.

[Sinnycal]

It's fine to use "Swamp Donkey" if you either explain the context within the film, or if the context is not relevant to the audience's understanding of the narrative.

However, yeah, if you say "Just then, a beautiful SWAMP DONKEY steps out on stage" most readers are going to get the wrong idea and think you are about to re-enact that scene from Clerks II.

It's in your best interest to make the script read easily and make sense.

"Beautiful swamp donkey" is a contradiction in terms.

[BattleDolphinZero]

I'd go with Swamp Donkey.

It'll self translate.

[DBense18]

I thought this was going to be about thesaurus words.



It can be about thesaurus words -- I just added an example to which sparked my initial question. Just asking other writers what they do in the situation.

[12916studios]

I didn't understand what it meant.

There's an inherent risk in making up new words, or using slang. I know I'm guilty of both. The word "casuality" isn't in any dictionaries (and I have used it), but has a ring to it that casualness can't quite bring. However, it's meaning can be intuited. Same with words like cluster/bumbledf*cked.

It's a risk that might cause your readers to pull out of the story because they have to figure out what you mean. Obviously, you don't want that. Ergo, I'd recommend using something other than "Swamp Donkey".

In the cases of each word I provided, their use also cuts down on character/word count. It would take a few more words than just those phrase "John is bumblef*cked", in order to get across the emotions/situation I am wanting to describe. If you can cut down on word count by pulling a Shakespeare or three without sacrificing understanding, then you're golden.

Plus, it gives you a chance to add to a reader's lexicon, which means you could have the chance to singlehandedly bring an absolutely unknown/brand new word into popularity. How cool would that be?

[DBense18]

I seriously thought "Swamp Donkey" was a commonly known phrase.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swamp+donkey

[Corduroy Walrus]

Me too.

[Signal30]

I bartended (for ten years up until '07) and I never heard the term. Don't know why they need their own burn... aside for the fact they're vastly outnumbered by their male equivalents. So by their overall rarity they get their own pejorative (and can I use that word in a script)?

[TheKeenGuy]

"Beautiful swamp donkey" is a contradiction in terms.
Don't let my swamp donkey hear you say that.

[Mister Q]

I seriously thought "Swamp Donkey" was a commonly known phrase.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swamp+donkey

I was going to write "then I'm not going to Vacano!" But not knowing where that is I googled it and was directed to that same urban dictionary site. I'm guessng it's for desperate guys who failed to even pull a Swamp Donkey!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=vacano (definition 2)

[DBense18]

Vacano is a mix of the three places I call home.

VA - Virginia (house)
CA - California (apartment)
NO - Norway (farm)

:D

[Jenny]

I have never heard the term Swamp Donkey, but as long as it's obvious from context what it means, I wouldn't mind seeing it in a script. And then the next time somebody says "Swamp Donkey" I can feel all smart and cool because I know what it means.

[Mister Q]

Vacano is a mix of the three places I call home.

VA - Virginia (house)
CA - California (apartment)
NO - Norway (farm)

:D

Awww, you poor thing. I've heard this happens to a lot of Norwegian farm girls. After a holiday at Disneyland you ask to be taken to Norge and end up in Norge, Virginia. Just don't ask me what happened on a holiday in Pakistan when I told a tour guide that I wanted to be taken up the Khyber Pass!

[DBense18]

Awww, you poor thing. I've heard this happens to a lot of Norwegian farm girls. After a holiday at Disneyland you ask to be taken to Norge and end up in Norge, Virginia. Just don't ask me what happened on a holiday in Pakistan when I told a tour guide that I wanted to be taken up the Khyber Pass!

That's why I don't watch Guy Ritchie films. I don't really quite understand UK humor -- but, okay.

[Mister Q]

Then you've answered your own question in the Original Post.

[DBense18]

Then you've answered your own question in the Original Post.

There are three questions in the original post. "Swamp Donkey" was just an example...

[Mister Q]

I know, and I'm still surprised that no-one picked up on the hilarity of the question; essentially "Should I use the term Swamp Donkey or should I dumb it down?" :rolling:

As others have said, I wouldn't use Swamp Donkey unless the scene makes clear what a Swamp Donkey is. But, saying that, if she is a Swamp Donkey and you want to convey that then you can probably come up with something more creatively visual than Female Dancer.

Of course readers are quite an astute bunch and if they were to read such a term then even if they didn't know the exact terminology they would at least appreciate that it was a derogatory name and in a way, in that sense, it works. But this just leads us to a question of taste. I'd have no problem with one of my characters using the term but as the writer and the Voice I wouldn't feel comfortable name-calling.

[sarajb]

In general, if they're used with a sense of fluency, don't hold back - unless your goal is a homogenized script. Swamp Donkey is funny and nearly evident without the definition hyperlink. I can only imagine it's made even more clear through action, setting, etc.

[cerckl]

I know, and I'm still surprised that no-one picked up on the hilarity of the question; essentially "Should I use the term Swamp Donkey or should I dumb it down?" :rolling:


bog burro?

[Mister Q]

Swamp Donkey is funny

Really? I'm not trying to be all high and mighty and I'd appreciate an honest debate. If such a description is only contained in the Character Name or Action Lines then aren't we crossing a line. Can we call an obese character Flubberguts or a seikh Raghead? Or are these two examples crossing the line but Swamp Donkey is okay?

What is acceptable and what is politically incorrect?

[DBense18]

The reason I chose SWAMP DONKEY.

The scene is in a strip bar in Texas, frequented by a lot of military men. I currently have a line in my screenplay -- takes up 1.3 lines.

An unattractive FEMALE DANCER seductively swings around a pole on stage.

If I changed it to :

A SWAMP DONKEY swings around a pole on stage.

I'll have it in less than a full line.

[sarajb]

Really?
Really.

You've never read a screenplay, where the character description is fat, ugly, desperate, zit-faced, leper-like, scrawny, ********, pencil-neck geek, etc, etc? These aren't real people. They're characters. Characters should have....character.
I'd appreciate an honest debate.
Threat received, oh sultan of subtext. Mess with the Q, and you'll get the P.

:D

[altoption]

The reason I chose SWAMP DONKEY.

The scene is in a strip bar in Texas, frequented by a lot of military men. I currently have a line in my screenplay -- takes up 1.3 lines.

An unattractive FEMALE DANCER seductively swings around a pole on stage.

If I changed it to :

A SWAMP DONKEY swings around a pole on stage.

I'll have it in less than a full line.

No. Do not use Swamp Donkey in description this way. Most readers will have no idea what it means and it stops the read cold.

[Charli]

I would not understand a 'swamp donkey swings around a pole' - I would imagine a chimp that is drench, swinging from a pole, thinking it's a jungle-bar.

[sarajb]

You probably won't have any trouble with that in context with the rest of the scene. If the place is described as a low-end, cheap, sleazy strip joint, I think it's abundantly clear what a swamp donkey is.

[Mister Q]

Really.

You've never read a screenplay, where the character description is fat, ugly, desperate, zit-faced, leper-like, scrawny, ********, pencil-neck geek, etc, etc? These aren't real people. They're characters. Characters should have....character.

Threat received, oh sultan of subtext. Mess with the Q, and you'll get the P.

:D

Firstly, fart-face, your examples were all quite descriptive and not that offensive. I mean if someone is fat then he's fat etc. But, if you must, call him Fat Tony and not Lard Arse Larry. That just shows a nastiness that is only intended for you and the reader to share. I'd never succumb to such a low level. Secondly, scat-muncher, Swamp Donkey doesn't instantly convey a strong visual unless you're aware of the slang. You'd actually be better off calling her Fat Slag if you've got no problem with that sort of thing. Thirdly, two-bagger, describing someone as zit-faced does not give them character. It just gives them zits.

Maaaan, that was good; I should drink and post more often.

[cerckl]

I would not understand a 'swamp donkey swings around a pole' - I would imagine a chimp that is drench, swinging from a pole, thinking it's a jungle-bar.

A chimpanze and Judi Dench swinging on a pole? I'm confused...

[docgonzo]

Chalk up another vote against swamp donkey. And whoever said the term defines itself is obviously wrong, given how many people have never heard of it.

If brevity is what you're after, why not SKANKY DANCER instead of what you had originally?

[sc111]

The reason I chose SWAMP DONKEY.

The scene is in a strip bar in Texas, frequented by a lot of military men. I currently have a line in my screenplay -- takes up 1.3 lines.

An unattractive FEMALE DANCER seductively swings around a pole on stage.

If I changed it to :

A SWAMP DONKEY swings around a pole on stage.

I'll have it in less than a full line.

How about --

ON STAGE

The Queen Of The Swamp Donkeys wraps her cellulite thighs around the pole.


You get gender and a hint of what she looks like.

[Johnny]

Thanks SC, I just threw up in my mouth alittle.

[sc111]

Firstly, fart-face, your examples were all quite descriptive and not that offensive.

So, you refer to Sara as ...

fart-face
scat-muncher
two-bagger

... and then you cry the blues over possibly insulting fictional characters. Then you say:

That just shows a nastiness that is only intended for you and the reader to share.

Meanwhile, you just hurled iinvectives at Sara sharing them with the world.

Hypocrite.

[cerckl]

fart-face
scat-muncher
two-bagger


My fiance's pug talks worse than that...I swear, when you look at that pug's face you can tell what she is saying, it is usually followed with "b1tch, dumbass, stupid f--k"

I swear, on Judi Dench.

[sarajb]

Plus, there was only one time I munched scat, and I didn't swallow or like it. Very much. :)

[sc111]

My fiance's pug talks worse than that...I swear, when you look at that pug's face you can tell what she is saying, it is usually followed with "b1tch, dumbass, stupid f--k"

I swear, on Judi Dench.


Maybe it's the breed. My Labbies seem to be saying, "Hey! How ya doin. I'm just glad to be here. Ya got a treat for me? Huh? Huh? Wait - what was that - a birdie! Did you see the birdie!"

Wag-wag-wag... :)

[cerckl]

Maybe it's the breed. My Labbies seem to be saying, "Hey! How ya doin. I'm just glad to be here. Ya got a treat for me? Huh? Huh? Wait - what was that - a birdie! Did you see the birdie!"

Wag-wag-wag... :)

It must be the breed because her Golden Retriever says most of the time "I love you guys, you're the bestest" in-between licking you.

My dog which is a lab/mutt usually just says "ball".

I swear, those pugs are something else.

[sarajb]

I miss the family lab. All she ever said was, "I love you!" and "I've missed you soooo much!" But, at least my gecko has a lovely accent. Can't understand a word he says, though (and we're back on topic).

[EvilRbt]

Slang is fine. Just don't try to impress a reader/producer with your vast pretentious vocabulary. That can be very counter-productive.

The last thing you want to do with your script is make an executive feel foolish because they don't understand a word you've used. Some of them have big egos and you'd be wise not to bruise them.

[sarajb]

At the same time, it's probably very smart to make an exec feel you've got your finger on the pulse of the golden demographic.

Though, I agree, a whole script full of slang might be tough to take.

[Mister Q]

So, you refer to Sara as ...



Just being ironic was all. In my defence I did try to come up with the three most cuddly-wuddly, non-offensive insults I could think of. But I was being serious when I said I wouldn't mock a character unnecessarily. I just saw Shallow Hal recently and I just found it offensive if I'm honest. Loads of scenes like when she cuts herself an enormous piece of cake. You're meant to spend the entire film laughing at her because she's fat with the moral of the story being about seeing people for who they are and treating them with respect. Now that's hypocritical.

[altoption]

Slang is fine. Just don't try to impress a reader/producer with your vast pretentious vocabulary. That can be very counter-productive.

The last thing you want to do with your script is make an executive feel foolish because they don't understand a word you've used.

Tell that to Diablo Cody.

[Mister Q]

Hey, sc111, you never actually said where you stood on the matter.

[billmarq]

I would like to participate in this discussion, but I am probably not smart enough. I still do not understand "rock and roll arsonist," a phrase often quoted as an example of effective description. And the thing is, writers who quote that phrase never have a second example.

Please, people, dumb down your writing for persons like me.

Ten years ago I was told by a member of this board that no one over the age of 25 should write screenplays because they do not know the current street language. He then produced some arcane slang word that meant "car" as an example and assumed I would not know what it meant. Of course, now that he is older than 25, I presume his opinion may have changed.

I'll dig you cats later. I gotta slide. Gonna drag main in my cool short.

[THEUGLYDUCKLING]

i'm all for cool sayings and discriptions, but as someone who used them all the time when i first started writing i realizd that it took away from the read more than it helped it.

here's one that was in one of my first drafts that really got the ire of some people...

'he wear a scowl like a winter hat'

lol... i was such a petulant young lad full of piss and vinegar, now i use the vinegar from my arugala salad.

V-ugly

[umo]

Ummm...

Mister, there's a big difference between insulting our characters--imaginary people who really don't exist other than in our sick minds--and insulting real people like Sara.

She's too much of a class act to call you on it. But SC is right...

Not cool. :(

[sc111]

Hey, sc111, you never actually said where you stood on the matter.

First of all -- the topic of the thread is about using somewhat obscure phrases to describe characters - it wasn't about insults.

Where I stand on the matter -- I prefer to avoid at all costs popping the reader out of the "vivid and continuous dream" of the story (as a famous novelist once said).

So that would include everything from obscure slang to strangely worded action lines. If the reader has to stop and think, "Huh?" we're losing points.

If a writer wants to invent slang -- put it in the dialogue, not the action line.

I did give an example earlier in the thread where the writer could use the donkey phrase in the context of a sentence that made the meaning of the phrase clear.

However -- I've seen one too many scripts where all the cleverness was in the writer's asides in the action lines when what would appear on the screen is as boring as dirt.

I was told once that studio people often read down the middle. So I started reading my own scripts down the middle to make certain the read was still interesting. It's an interesting exercise.

When it comes to action lines -- the only thing I angst over is -- is it clear? Is the description worded in a way that the pace of the sentence is as close to how the action would be on screen.

[sarajb]

Q was trying to make a funny point that I wouldn’t like being called names, so why would I support a position calling characters names? Even though I’d already said before his post exactly what umo and sc had said (thank you, both, btw) – characters aren’t real people whose feelings can be hurt and being overly sensitive about how you describe those characters will only make them less interesting.

But, not answering the call was lazy, and I should take the time to weigh in on the q-tips.

Firstly, fart-face, your examples were all quite descriptive and not that offensive.
Tell that to the pencil neck geek, a scum sucking pea head with a lousy physique, a one man, no gut, loosing streak, nothing but a pencil neck geek.

I mean if someone is fat then he's fat etc. But, if you must, call him Fat Tony and not Lard Arse Larry. That just shows a nastiness that is only intended for you and the reader to share.
Fat called by any other name is still fat. If it's a comedy script, get funny with the description. If it's a gritty story and a particular scene is in a trashy, low-budget strip bar, go with Swamp Donkey over Female Dancer.

Secondly, scat-muncher, Swamp Donkey doesn't instantly convey a strong visual unless you're aware of the slang. You'd actually be better off calling her Fat Slag if you've got no problem with that sort of thing.
I didn’t know what a swamp donkey was, but, given the context, I got a strong visual. I don’t even really know what a slag is, but I get the picture. Using readers that have come forward around here as a cross section, I give them credit enough to understand well-conceived, set up, and judiciously used bits of slang, whether they’re familiar with the terms or not. I’m certainly not advocating a script packed full of jargon indigenous to a three block area in Sioux City.

Thirdly, two-bagger, describing someone as zit-faced does not give them character. It just gives them zits.
I suppose your secondary characters have names like INTEGRITY GUY and COURAGE GIRL. I think you’re disingenuously zeroing in on one definition of character, because giving an extra zits DOES give him character.
I'd never succumb to such a low level.
You would, you will, and you know it, Q. ;)

Also, scat-muncher was my favorite, in case it wasn’t obvious.

[Mister Q]

First of all -- the topic of the thread is about using somewhat obscure phrases to describe characters - it wasn't about insults.

That's been covered and was all quite obvious. I actually thought the debate had veered off into something far more interesting but whatever.

And umo, this board has its fair share of cantankerous or over-sensitive posters but to the best of my knowledge sara is neither. To me and I imagine to sara, it was clearly intended as a joke, but if it's inadvertently caused you and sc111 offence because you didn't get it then I sincerely apologize to you. Can we please move on?

[sarajb]

It's true. I'm not cantankerous or over-sensitive. I am fart face.

[umo]

That's been covered and was all quite obvious. I actually thought the debate had veered off into something far more interesting but whatever.

And umo, this board has its fair share of cantankerous or over-sensitive posters but to the best of my knowledge sara is neither. To me and I imagine to sara, it was clearly intended as a joke, but if it's inadvertently caused you and sc111 offence because you didn't get it then I sincerely apologize to you. Can we please move on?

Thank you, Mister. No, I wasn't offended, I just don't like mean-looking men (avatar) picking on our sweet Sara. She's way cool. :)

My vote is yes! Go for the swamp donkey.

Fart-face is a bit cliche, though. :rolleyes:

umo :)

[grant]

SKANK will suffice.

Right on. I don't think its a question of using slang or not. Or dumbing things down. Or using insulting terms. I'm another person who had no idea what a swamp donkey was.

A year ago, or maybe two, you probably couldn't get away with just calling someone a cougar. Now I think you could.

And just because something is in the urban dictionary, doesn't mean it's commonly known slang. Anyone can put anything in there:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Q%20Tip

Compare the first pages of google's web and blog search pages for "swamp donkey":

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=swamp+donkey&btnG=Search
http://blogsearch.google.com/blogsearch?hl=en&q=swamp%20donkey

And "skank":

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=skank
http://blogsearch.google.com/blogsearch?hl=en&q=skank

Even dictionary.com knows what a skank is. It seems like only the urban dictionary knows what a swamp donkey is. Even bloggers don't seem to be using it the way you want to.

I guess twitter users do:

http://search.twitter.com/search?max_id=1497835851&page=2&q=swamp+donkey

But they're probably early adopters on the slang.

[Mister Q]

. . . characters aren’t real people whose feelings can be hurt and being overly sensitive about how you describe those characters will only make them less interesting.

I wasn't suggesting that you might hurt a fictional character's feelings. I meant that by being unkind to a character you might paint yourslf in a bad light as my earlier post and subsequent responses clearly demonstrate (by accident I should add). You might think you're being clever and witty and someone could read it and think "what a b'stard!"


Tell that to the pencil neck geek, a scum sucking pea head with a lousy physique, a one man, no gut, loosing streak, nothing but a pencil neck geek.

Hey! I'm not a geek!


Fat called by any other name is still fat. If it's a comedy script, get funny with the description.

Even though that comes down to a matter of taste I think you have to admit that you're walking a fine line with that. It would be very easy to get carried away with yourself.


I didn’t know what a swamp donkey was, but, given the context, I got a strong visual. I don’t even really know what a slag is, but I get the picture. Using readers that have come forward around here as a cross section, I give them credit enough to understand well-conceived, set up, and judiciously used bits of slang, whether they’re familiar with the terms or not. I’m certainly not advocating a script packed full of jargon indigenous to a three block area in Sioux City.

Agreed. (finally ;) )


I suppose your secondary characters have names like INTEGRITY GUY and COURAGE GIRL. I think you’re disingenuously zeroing in on one definition of character, because giving an extra zits DOES give him character.

I have no problem with a character having zits but I wouldn't call that character Pizza Face unless, of course, another character calls him that and then it's fine. I like INTEGRITY GUY, no doubt you'd prefere to name him POMPOUS TIT.



Also, scat-muncher was my favorite, in case it wasn’t obvious.

That was actually invented by a stand-up (see my sig). He says he doesn't know what it means but he was thinking about Rush Limbaugh at the time.

[Mister Q]

Thank you, Mister. No, I wasn't offended, I just don't like mean-looking men (avatar) picking on our sweet Sara.

umo :)

You know what, when you put it like that, I see exactly where you're coming from. I'll change it to a cute little puppy dog ;)

[sarajb]

I wasn't suggesting that you might hurt a fictional character's feelings. I meant that by being unkind to a character you might paint yourslf in a bad light as my earlier post and subsequent responses clearly demonstrate (by accident I should add). You might think you're being clever and witty and someone could read it and think "what a b'stard!"
Well, I wouldn’t support using slang (or interesting description) to simply sound clever and witty. It should be true to your voice and, more importantly, germane to the tone, scene, story, etc, in which case, “What a bastard!” would be an unlikely reaction.
Fat called by any other name is still fat. If it's a comedy script, get funny with the description.Even though that comes down to a matter of taste I think you have to admit that you're walking a fine line with that. It would be very easy to get carried away with yourself.
Poor execution isn’t a case for proving anything.
I have no problem with a character having zits but I wouldn't call that character Pizza Face unless, of course, another character calls him that and then it's fine. I like INTEGRITY GUY, no doubt you'd prefere to name him POMPOUS TIT.
No, my goal isn’t to find rude names for people in my script. I wouldn’t change RAVEN-HAIRED GODDESS to STUPID BITCH WHO’S PRETTIER THAN ME. You gave a thumbs down to physical traits adding character, so that’s what that was about.
Agreed. (finally ;))
Common ground. It’s nice, now and then, isn’t it?

Except, now my avatar looks like the mean one. :|

[umo]

Mister changed his avatar and sig?

I'm sooooooo confused now. :confused:

umo :o

[Mister Q]

Common ground. It’s nice, now and then, isn’t it?

I think I've been guilty of putting words in your mouth and have therefore probably been arguing with myself. But I won the debate, if you're wondering :D

Except, now my avatar looks like the mean one. :|

Yeah, I was wondering how you got painted as the cute, innocent one too.

Btw, umo, my new puppy-dog-Mary-Poppins look is more a reflection of the true me. Honest :devil:

[sarajb]

But I won the debate, if you're wondering :D
Sh!t!! Was I close?

Yeah, I was wondering how you got painted as the cute, innocent one too.
It's a gift. And a curse.

[Mister Q]

Well, you weren't doing too bad but you completely lost it with that Pompous Tit remark.

[sarajb]

Yeah, I should've never...heyyyyyy, wait just a pompous tittin' minute. I see what you did there.

[Mister Q]

What? The truth is, skip-rat, that no-one's going to side with you over the puppy dog. It's just human nature. That's the way it works. New avatar; new rules.

[cerckl]

What? The truth is, skip-rat, that no-one's going to side with you over the puppy dog. It's just human nature. That's the way it works. New avatar; new rules.

...and it's a damned cute puppy dog. :bounce:

[umo]

Mary Poppins is a super-cute, adorable puppy. :)

[Mister Q]

Awww, thanks. Not that that psychotic, gun-toting maniac would agree with you. ;)

[Signal30]

Sounds like you (OP) might get more mileage out of using the phrase in the dialogue than in the action line... since it's not all that common, someone can explain what it is (within earshot of the wrong person, suppose) and share the gag with everybody.

[Charli]

I think there is a difference between using slang and trying too hard to use slang, when it just doesn't flow naturally in the story. Even "queen of the swamp donkey" sounds a bit off. The girl is a pole dancer, just tell us she's a skank and move on, but to impress us with a 'slang term' that's mostly unfamiliar to many, and then to have to do it in such a way that we will 'get it' - for me personally, that's trying too hard.

Keep it simple, easy to read, move on.

[DBense18]

So this went way off track to what I intended.

Decided to use SWAMP DONKEY as her character name. :)

[Mister Q]

Is that it though? You're just going to call a character SWAMP DONKEY with no explanation. I thought that was the one thing everyone was agreed on that they wouldn't do.

[Charli]

I agree with Mister. Using that as a character name is loving the term more than finding a good way to use that term. Save that phrase for another time, put it down in a notebook somewhere and you'll find the right time and the right page to put it in the story.

For now, I would suggest you stick with 'pole dancer' and let the story be natural.

[DBense18]

I was just joking. I had a dialogue line with "Swamp Donkey" in it. I dropped the line because it was the last line of the scene and strayed to its own page.