FUNNY or NOT FUNNY

[theblondewritr]

This is a short Comedic exercise and here's how it works:

If you think the scene is FUNNY, just say so. Make it short and sweet.
NOT FUNNY? Again,short and sweet-- post NOT FUNNY. However, if you post NOT FUNNY, you (not the author of the scene) have to tweak the original scene.

ETA: The only thing that has to remain in the tweaked scene is the name BILL BELLAMY and the framework of the scene; he has to be standing in line at a movie theatre concession.

The deadline for this exercise has been extended to midnight tonight.
Voting will start Monday 27th.

I'll start with a short scene:

[theblondewritr]

INT. MOVIE THEATRE /CONCESSION STAND LINE

BILL BELAMY is fidgeting in his pocket for
money as the line he stands in waxes and wanes.

He's bobbing his head left, right, up and down--

BILL (murmurs to himself)
It's always like this.
Don't people know what
they want before they get
up there? C'mon!

Finally. Bill stands before the glory of all that IS the Movie Concessions.
Behind the counter is 'not-so-eager to help'

CONCESSION GUY
Can I help you?

BILL
I'd like a large Popcorn,
Medium Coke or Pepsi-- whichever.
NOT Diet. I hate diet.
Oh, and a side of butter.
One of those plastic containers
filled with butter.

CONCESSION GUY
Large Popcorn, Medium Coke,
not diet, and a side of butter.
I'll have to...

BILL
I know. I know. You'll have to charge me extra for that.
(cont.)
...I need you to microwave the butter for me
so it's nice and hot.

CONCESSION GUY
No problem Sir, but I'll have to charge you extra for that.

Bill searches his pockets for more change.
He's short and he knows it.(beat)

BILL
Actually, I brought my own microwave.
I can just heat it up myself.
Bill labors to lift up his own microwave
oven.

CONCESSION GUY
...Right...um...

BILL
What! I brought my own!
All you have to do is plug
it in to that socket over there.
I do this all the time.

Our Concession guy looks to his co-worker for help.
His co-worker just shrugs and points to a ZODIAC SIGN CHART

CONCESSION GUY (to Bill)
So you're THAT GUY.

Bill's face says it all. He doesn't have a clue.

BILL
What guy?

Bill looks around. At his eye-level, he only see's
other movie-goer's CROTCHES.

-SMASH CUT ON --various crotches. Some fairly interesting.

The concession stand guy taps on the counter to get Bill's
attention and points to the sign.

CONCESSION GUY
THAT GUY!

Bill takes out his thick-rimmed reading glasses, places a stool in front of the counter and hops up to read the illuminated sign.

POV-On Sign

BILL reads aloud

Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character.
Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fvcking weirdo. You're cheap and you're short. Nobody likes cheap, short people.

[Fortean]

And, why all the "to be" verbage?

BILL BELAMY is fidgeting in his pocket for money...

He's bobbing his head left, right, up and down--

Finally. Bill stands before the glory of all that IS the Movie Concessions.
Behind the counter is 'not-so-eager to help'

He's short...

At his eye-level, he only see's...


A short idiot at the snack counter of a theatre, and you offer jokes about a ridiculous "illuminated" astrology sign and crotches-only POV? It definitely needs a rewrite.

[Population17]

Short and sweet answer?

- No -

[sarajb]

Fun exercise, Blondie. But, mostly not funny. :)

My rewrite:


INT. MOVIE THEATRE /CONCESSION STAND LINE

Nearly to the counter, BILL BELAMY, a lone dwarf in a sea of
miscreant giants, fidgets for something in his pocket, while
trying to hang on to a large plastic bucket.

BILL
No. No? No! How could I forget the
plugs? How?

TEENAGED MISCREANT (O.S.)
(from somewhere in the
stratosphere)
I hate the green ones.

A spitting sound, when suddenly a wet, round, projectile
ricochets off of Bill's temple. Giggles and muffled laughter
from the kid's friends.

TEENAGED MISCREANT 2 (O.S.)
Dude, you just pegged the midget.

The green spot left on his face makes them laugh harder.

BILL
(anti-murder mantra)
Just get through this part. Eat a
little ****, before the ambrosia.

CONCESSION CLERK (O.S.)
Welcome to Tinseltown. May I help
you?

ANOTHER CLERK (O.S.)
You don't have to say that.

Bill looks up at the glory that IS Movie Concessions. A very
young, female CONCESSION CLERK with a popcorn box on her head
looks toward her co-worker in mock horror.

CONCESSION CLERK
Malcolm said.

ANOTHER CLERK (O.S.)
Mal-cum's a twat.

BILL
Are you going to help me?

Concession clerk looks past Bill at the LARGE GUY behind him,
confused, like he's some sort of ventriloquist.

BILL
Here.

She sees him. Turns red. Speechless. Then-

CONCESSION CLERK
I'm in training. That's why I have
a box on my head.
(points)
Box on my head. It's like hazing.

Ohhhhhh kay. Bill scans the other lines. They're long. Crap.

BILL
I'd like a a medium Coke. NOT Diet.
I hate diet.

He reaches into his bucket and pulls out a cup from home.

BILL
Use this and take exactly one
dollar off of the total.

She takes the cup. Stares at the till.

CONCESSION CLERK
Um...

BILL
Also a tub of popcorn. I have a
frequent muncher card, so extra
butter's free.

Reaches up and places it on the counter.

CONCESSION CLERK
Frequent...um

She looks to the co-worker.

BILL
And a box of Mike and Ikes, but I
really only need two, if I can get
away with it.

Another concession clerk's hand reaches over to the till.
Punches stuff in.

ANOTHER CONCESSION CLERK (O.S.)
You can't only get two, Bill.

BILL
Fine.

The female concession clerk looks relieved and confident, now
that things are under control. She reaches down to Bill.

CONCESSION CLERK
And, you want the popcorn in the
bucket.

The co-worker hisses.

BILL
It's to SIT on.

The girl shrinks. She puts his items on the counter, waits in
awkward silence as he gathers the stuff and expertly arranges
it in the booster bucket.

CONCESSION CLERK
That'll be forty-eight dollars.
Sir.

Bill tosses a fifty up onto the counter.

CONCESSION CLERK
What, um, what movie are you
seeing?

BILL
Observe and Report.

Her demeanor transforms. She's cold, a snarl of disgust. Now,
Bill's confused.

CONCESSION CLERK
Enjoy the show. Hope you get off.

She places his two bucks just out of reach. Bill sighs.

The man behind him moves forward to assist. His large crotch
an inch from Bill's face.

He hands him the dollars.

LARGE MAN
There you go, sport.

Bill smiles, nods. He's holding his breath. Large man pats
him on the head for ridiculous measure.

Bill sidesteps away, but everywhere he turns-

A crotch! An ass! A crotch! An ass! Big, small, droopy,
dirty, rumpled - smelly.

He finally finds a secluded spot, sets down his load, rips
open the Mike and Ikes and stuffs one up each nostril. Ahhh.

Bill rejoins the fray to the velvet ropes. Asses and
crotches, everywhere.

BILL (V.O.)
A little ****, before the ambrosia.
A little ****, before the ambrosia.
A little ****...

[Fortean]

INT. MOVIE THEATRE CONCESSION STAND - NIGHT

A pudgy BILL BELLAMY, (10 years old), fidgets in the line of patrons queued for the snack counter.

His head bobs left, right, up and down.

BILL
(thinking aloud)
It's always like this.
Don't people know what
they want before they get
up there? C'mon!

Patrons ahead and behind Bill watch him fish a few dollar bills and a handful of coins from his pockets.

BILL (Cont'd)
I know exactly what I want.
(recites his list from memory)
A giant-sized tub of popcorn, double-butter.
(shuffles forward a step)
Hot dog, with the works.
(shuffles forward a step)
Chocolate-covered raisins.
(shuffles forward a step)
Crackerjacks, large box.
(shuffles forward a step)
Jumbo cola.

The patrons ahead of Bill pay the CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT, (a woman in her 30s), and leave with their snacks. The Attendant peers down over the counter at Bill with a disapproving look.

A wide-eyed Bill basks with eager anticipation in the lights of snack bar and its glorious arrays of snacks.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
And, how can I help you?

BILL
First, I'd like a giant-sized tub of popcorn, with double-butter.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
Who are your sharing it with?

Bill glances left and right, surrounded by adult patrons, who sense his unease.

BILL
It's just for me.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
That's too much for one boy.

Patrons in line share a laugh at Bill's defeat.

BILL
(with renewed vigor)
I'll have a hot dog with the works.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
Didn't you eat supper before you left home, tonight?

BILL
Yeah, but I'm still hungry.
(pointing to boxes)
And, I'll have a box of the chocolate-covered raisins and a large box of Crackerjacks.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
No. You shouldn't buy those.

BILL
But, I've got the money.

Bill proffers his cash.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
How about a small cola.

BILL
I want a jumbo cola.

The Attendant takes a small cup and fills it with diet cola. She slides it across the counter to Bill.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
Here, this one's on the house.

BILL
(sips the drink and scowls)
Not diet. I hate diet.

CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
Quit holding up the line. Now, go enjoy the movie.

Bill stuffs his horde of cash back into his pockets and steps away from the counter with his drink. Bemused patrons shake their heads in disbelief. The NEXT PATRON steps up to the snack counter.

NEXT PATRON
Weren't you a bit rough on the fat kid?

The Attendant shakes her head "no."

BILL
She's always embarrassing me like that.

The Attendant casts a sideways glance at Bill.

BILL
(retreats into the auditorium)
See ya later, Mom.

Fade Out.

[asjah8]

INT. MOVIE THEATRE CONCESSION STAND - NIGHT
A long line of PATRONS. Pudgy BILLY BELLAMY, 10, fidgets and his head bobs, as his eyes scan the distant glass display cases filled with candy.

BILLY
C'mon!

As the line moves, Patrons watch BILLY dig for coins from his dirty shorts.

AT THE COUNTER,

The FEMALE CONCESSION ATTENDANT’s, 30, monotone voice and greasy face tells of long hours over a hot-butter bin serving customers.

FEMALE CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
(to Billy)
And, how can I help you?

BILLY
A large popcorn, double-butter.

FEMALE CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
We’re out of butter.

Two Patrons leave the line.

BILLY
A hot dog with everything on it.

FEMALE CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
No hot dogs, the cook burned 'em crispy.

Three more Patrons leave the line.

BILLY
Okay, then I’ll have chocolate-covered raisins.

FEMALE CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
Nope. We got sent chocolate-covered ants by mistake.

The last Patrons leave the line.

Billy glances around behind him, sees everyone is gone.

BILLY
How’d I do mom?

FEMALE CONCESSIONS ATTENDANT
(pulling off her apron)
Perfect. What movie do you want to see?

FADE OUT.

[theblondewritr]

lmao Fortean, Sarajb and Asjah! Good job! Seriously.

I must say, you've taken my "NOT FUNNY" scene
and transformed it into something "FUNNY", respectively.

let's continue...transforming my dull but universal experience
into something everyone can laugh at.

errrr Population17, where's your scene? :)

ETA: Let's put all these to a vote after we get
10 scenes, shall we?

[Mark Somers]

They are all funny.

[asjah8]

erm... (embarrassed)... i just looked back at your original post BW and realized we were supposed to tweak the original scene not the previous one like a writing chain. :eek: oops.

[Anagram]

I like Fortean's the most.

Too bad BDZ isn't around... I'd love to see Tom Cruise eye gouge the crap out of the concession guy.

He's THAT ****ing intense.

[yeehi]

INT. MOVIE THEATRE CONCESSION STAND - NIGHT

A pudgy BILL BELLAMY, (14 years old), fidgets in the line of patrons queued for the snack counter.

Serving at the concession is the most beautiful GIRL in the world.

BILL
(thinking aloud)
It's always like this.
Don't people know what
they want before they get
up there? C'mon!

The GIRL turns to the side, her massive breasts are in profile.

BILL (Cont'd)
I know exactly what I want.
(recites his list from memory)
A giant-sized tub of popcorn, double-butter.
(shuffles forward a step)
Wiener, with the works.
(shuffles forward a step)
Chocolate-covered raisins.
(shuffles forward a step)
Crackerjacks, large box.


The queue moves forward. The GIRL bends forward, allowing an even better view of her gigantic breasts.

A wide-eyed Bill basks with eager anticipation in the lights of snack bar and its glorious arrays of snacks.

BILL
A giant-sized tub of butter--

2 extremely loud pops of corn come from the machine

BILL (Cont´d)
pop-porn.
Wiener, with the works.
(shuffles forward a step)
Chocolate-covered raisins.
Crackerjacks, large box.

The GIRL squirts out a large cone of ice-cream for a customer in front. She shakes nuts onto the ice in glorious slow motion while BILL synchs the shaking with his cola.

GIRL
And, how can I help you?

BILL throws his cola over his shirt.

BILL
First, I'd like a giant-sized tub with melted butter. Cover my raisins in chocolate. And the wiener... works.

Bill glances left and right, surrounded by adult patrons, who sense his unease.

BILL
Could you do it for me?

GIRL
That's too much for one boy.

Patrons in line share a laugh at Bill's defeat.

Fade Out.

[theblondewritr]

erm... (embarrassed)... i just looked back at your original post BW and realized we were supposed to tweak the original scene not the previous one like a writing chain. :eek: oops.

I think that's my fault, Asjah. No worries though. In essence, you did tweak the original scene by tweaking Forteans' scene because he tweaked the original scene. lol-does that make sense? Feel free to take another stab at the original if you like. ;)

lol yeehi (nice)

[asjah8]

In essence, you did tweak the original scene by tweaking Forteans' scene because he tweaked the original scene. lol-does that make sense?

:bounce: hehe... funny thing is it actually does make sense! sorry fortean, i have nothing but respect for your work. this teaches me to stop answering all those chain-mails hitting my inbox--

[theblondewritr]

They are all funny.

except for mine:| On purpose, I didn't come out of the gate with something so funny that no one else had an opportunity to compete with, right?

Start with a so-so scene and collaborate until it registers 'side-splitting' on the funny meter. That's what I'm after...:mad:

Be honest clueless, the original scene is not funny. It has 'elements' in place...
but it's not side-splitting. You must tweak the scene, my friend. sorry.
I'm talking you out of your assessment. DONE DEAL.

[theblondewritr]

:bounce: hehe... funny thing is it actually does make sense! --

hee hee...that's funny because you had originally thought that you didn't understand but you did, so it made sense. lmao You've convinced me that the only thing that makes sense is making no sense at all. ;) lmao

[Fortean]

The GIRL squirts out a large cone of ice-cream for a customer in front. She shakes nuts onto the ice in glorious slow motion while BILL synchs the shaking with his cola.

GIRL
And, how can I help you?

BILL throws his cola over his shirt.


Yeehi, where'd Bill get that cola?


As this is simply an exercise, I don't mind seeing my re-write tweaked. I'm more concerned at the prospect of nine other scenes in this exercise and then a round of voting.

[theblondewritr]

Yeehi, where'd Bill get that cola?


As this is simply an exercise, I don't mind seeing my re-write tweaked. I'm more concerned at the prospect of nine other scenes in this exercise and then a round of voting.

It came from Zagat's Movie Concession rating guide. ;)
You've never heard of a restarautuer giving customers
complimentary beverages while waiting in line for a table?

[Fortean]

Complimentary drinks? There's one in my rewrite for this exercise.

Zagat.com (http://www.zagat.com/)? Never used their guides.

What's a "restarautuer"? Is that one of those American spellings, or has theblondewritr been waiting far too long at the bar for a table to become available?

[Mark Somers]

BALLS OF CONCESSION

Changes wouldn't fit. Next Page Over Please.



Thank you and enjoy the Movie and the free Poopcorn.

[theblondewritr]

Complimentary drinks? There's one in my rewrite for this exercise.

Zagat.com (http://www.zagat.com/)? Never used their guides.

What's a "restarautuer"? Is that one of those American spellings, or has theblondewritr been waiting far too long at the bar for a table to become available?

Fortean, The 'American' Dictionary gave two spellings. I used the one that seemed less American so you would notice and ultimately comment on it. You're so predictable. ;)

Clueless: Thanks for stepping up. lol

[asjah8]

As this is simply an exercise, I don't mind seeing my re-write tweaked. I'm more concerned at the prospect of nine other scenes in this exercise and then a round of voting.


ha! ha! in the future, i promise only to tweak when twoken to. :bounce:

[tha son]

It's been so long since I heard Bill Bellamy's name! :)

[Mark Somers]

Who's Bill Bellamy?

Who much time do we have to enter, entries.

How many entries can we enter?

Can we rewrite then re-enter already entered entries?

How many questions can we ask?

[theblondewritr]

[QUOTE]Who's Bill Bellamy?

Whoever you want him to be. I just pulled him out of my brain. LOL-turns out, Bill Bellamy is real! And he's a Stand-Up comedian. lmao
disclaimer: My character was NOT based on the REAL BILL BELLAMY.
Who much time do we have to enter, entries.

Sunday, April 26th -HIGH NOON- PST

How many entries can we enter?

As many as your funny-arse can come up with.

Can we rewrite then re-enter already entered entries?

You can go in and edit your original scene if you like. But should you choose to ENTER another scene, let it be a different concept.
You have until Sunday-HIGH NOON to edit a scene and/or post a new one.


How many questions can we ask

Who's on First:p

ETA: Once we get all scenes posted in this thread, I'll transfer them over to a new thread for voting...

[Fortean]

Who's Bill Bellamy?
Whoever you want him to be. I just pulled him out of my brain. LOL-turns out, Bill Bellamy is real! And he's a Stand-Up comedian. lmao
disclaimer: My character was NOT based on the REAL BILL BELLAMY.
Who much time do we have to enter, entries.
Sunday, April 26th -HIGH NOON- PST
How many questions can we ask?
Don't answer any questions. Just plea the Fifth (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution) . And, don't give out any names (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_Noon#HUAC.2C_the_Red_Scare.2C_and_the_Korean_ War).

Bill Bellamy and his gang of cutthroats arrive in Hadleyville, on Sunday, at HIGH NOON (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_Noon). Sentenced to the gallows for misspellings and grammatical errors, these co-writers have sworn vengeance upon one of the DD moderators, (a marshall in this territory), and plan to use a flashback to return to the Writing Exercises forum to tweak a few scenes beyond recognition and the push the boundaries of screenplay format to their limit.

[umo]

I love this thread...

I think.

But don't understand what's going on.

Does that make me stupid?

I don't even understand the questions.

Or the answers.

Bill Bellamy told me to come by, promised me a good time--he's very cute, BTW...

I watched his mouth move, but really wasn't listening to what he said. I still don't understand.

Do you serve cocktails...please?

umo :o

[asjah8]

:)


INT. MOVIE SECTION – DAY
Endless rows of videos in a monochrome and sanitized white environment.

BILLY ED LAM “BD”, 30s, a spacey dude in dirty shorts and oversized plaid shirt,
fidgets and bobs his head: left, right, up and down.

He sways to his own rhythm, mutters to his own voice.

He picks a tape off the shelf--

BD LAM
It’s always like this!

Slams the tape back, the cover cracks.

MAN VOICE (VO)
Are you gonna pay for that?

BD LAM
(louder)
Don’t people know?
Guess what they want
before they get here?

MAN VOICE (VO)
Can I help you?

BD LAM looks around, bewildered, in awe…

BD LAM
God? Is that you?

Trembling, BD reaches into his pocket, pulls out $5 bucks.

BD LAM
I’ll take a large
popcorn, medium coke
and a side of butter.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POPCORN STAND/MOVIE THEATRE
A CONCESSION MAN, 20s, impatient behind the greasy counter.

Odd whiffs of smoke rise around him, a red tinge to his eyes.

CONCESSION MAN
I’m not God but I
will be your daddy.

When BD doesn’t respond, the man looks to his co-worker for help.
The co-worker just shrugs and points to an illuminated ZODIAC SIGN CHART.

CONCESSION MAN
(to BD)
So you're THAT GUY.

BD's face says it all. He doesn't have a clue.

CONCESSION MAN
(indicates the sign)
THAT GUY!

POV-On Sign

BD reads aloud
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. A neurotic phrenia
of the schizoid variety, ie., a real fvcking weirdo. Welcome to Purgatory, please pay at the gate.

FADE OUT.

[Mark Somers]

BALLS OF CONCESSION ( Part 2 )

My changes wont fit here.

[Mark Somers]

The rewrite of my first pages wouldn't fit.

I'll putem here.

[Mark Somers]

BALLS OF CONCESSION ( Part 1 )



FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATER - ZAGAT'S MOVIE CONCESSION -- DAY

BILL BELAMY is fidgeting in the pockets of his large tight
fitting shorts. He pulls out a fist of bills and some change.

He's bobbing his head left, right, up and down.

BILL
(murmurs to himself)
It's always like this.
Don't people know what they want
before they get up there? C'mon!

A couple of the coins escape his pudgy fingers.

Above him, on the wall, a surveillance camera.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - UNKNOWN ROOM

A luxurious room filled with high tech equipment.

A huge screen floats in the center of room. On the screen
is Bill picking up the coins.

Another series of smaller screens below the huge screen.

A well manicured hand glides over the screens changing the
images as it moves. It stops at an image of a boiling pot
of water. A digital display shows a temperature reading of
"211 degrees Fahrenheit"

The hand belongs to THOMAS CRUISE star of the comedy super-
smash hit BALLS OUT and some other movies and of course most
recently the as-yet-to-be-comedic super-smash short BALLS OF
CONCESSION.

THOMAS CRUISE
Manfred. The temperature on number
six hot dog boiler is off again. It
needs to be at exactly two hundred
and twelve degrees Fahrenheit.
Exactly.

As MANFRED, head manager of the concession stand nods his
head in agreement, he turns to look at Thomas Cruise. He
quickly looks away.

THOMAS CRUISE
Never look away, Manfred. Never,
never look away. You remember what
happened to...

MANFRED
Yes Master... I've installed the
Crotch Recognition Software you asked
for.

THOMAS CRUISE
Excellent Manfred. That is
incredible.

MANFRED
There was a bit of a problem though.

THOMAS CRUISE
I hate problems, Manfred. Was it a
problem with windows? Was it a bug?

MANFRED
No Master. Not bugs.
(Manfred snickers)
It was crabs, Master.

Manfred is really proud of his joke. His snicker turns into
soft giggles.

Thomas Cruise is not amused.

MANFRED
Crabs.

Manfred's soft giggles get out of hand... For awhile.

THOMAS CRUISE
Done?

MANFRED
(bites his lip)
Yes, Master.

THOMAS CRUISE
You're sure.

Manfred, is biting his fist trying to hold back his giggling.

THOMAS CRUISE
Manfred...

Suddenly a loud siren goes off. Only red light permeates
the huge room.

In a large tank off to one side three shaven women convulse.
They are the PRECOGS, short for Precognitives. They can
foretell future events.

Behind Manfred a clear plastic tube ejaculates a wooden ball.
It's huge, like a basketball. It lands with a loud THUMP on
Manfred's foot.

Tears run down Manfred's cheeks as he helps his master with
the huge wooden ball. Thomas Cruise studies the writing on
the ball.

THOMAS CRUISE
I don't like this, Manfred. I don't
like this one bit.

Thomas Cruise quickly positions himself in front of the huge
screen. Using his hands he moves around video-images on the
screen...

A video-image of Bill dumping a large glob of chocolate on
his cereal.

A video-image of Bill in a classroom picking his nose and
wiping it under his desk.

A video-image of Bill on a bus picking his nose and wiping
it under the seat.

A video-image of Bill entering the Theater.

Another video-image only flashes for a split second on the
screen.

Thomas Cruise turns to Manfred. His eyes intense.

MANFRED
It's danger, Thomas Cruise, isn't
it. It's danger...

Another alarm goes off. This time louder.

The Precogs convulse wildly.

The screens go blank. All is silent.

Manfred limps away from the plastic tube, but nothing comes
out.

The Precog tank erupts with bubbles.

Thomas Cruise reaches into his pocket, pulls out some
clothespins, clips one on his nose and hands another to
Manfred.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
We'll have to clean the tank later.

Thomas Cruise shoots a look at his wrist video screen. Bill
is digging at a coin stuck under the edge of the concession
counter.

Without missing a beat Thomas Cruise runs out of the room
and jumps into a stairwell with Manfred limping at his heels.

Thomas Cruise shoots up the stairs effortlessly while Manfred
struggles with his crushed foot to keep up.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Manfred. Quickly we have no time to
lose.

Thomas Cruise stops his hellish climb for a dramatic pause.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
I fear it's HIM.

Manfred not noticing that Thomas Cruise has stopped his
frantic assault up the stairs smashes into Thomas Cruise.

Manfred loses his footing and tumbles backwards eight flights
of stairs.

Manfred pulls himself up off the stairs landing to find that
he can't straighten himself. Feeling around his upper back
he finds a large lump over his left shoulder.

And he lost his clothespin.

Manfred starts back up the stairs.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER-ROOF -- DAY

Thomas Cruise runs to one side of the roof looks out over
the parking lot. He runs to the other side to be met by the
head of a giant robot, the ROBOTARD 8000.

Thomas Cruise runs to a small building on the roof punches
in a series of numbers on a security pad.

He presses his hips against a crotch high lighted panel.
The panel flashes a few times. Another panel at eye level
flashes "Access Denied... Access Denied".

Thomas Cruise presses his hips into the lighted panel over
and over. The eye level panel shows: "Access Denied... Access
Denied".

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Come on Manfred. Show me your magic.

He presses harder and faster into the crotch level panel.

Eye level panel displays: "Access Denied".

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Come on, Manfred. I need this...
Now.

The panel flashes: "Access Approved".

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Incredible, Manfred. Incredible.

The door opens automatically with a SWISH followed by a thin
gas cloud.

[Mark Somers]

BALLS OF CONCESSION ( Part 1 and a half )



Thomas Cruise runs into the windowless building.

WOMANS VOICE (O.S.)
Son did you bring food?

THOMAS CRUISE (O.S.)
(nasally)
Next time, mom. Next time.

Thomas Cruise exits carrying a large coil of rope. He presses
his butt against another butt high panel. The door seals
shut automatically followed by...

ELECTRONIC VOICE
Building secure. Thank you and have
a incredible day.

At the roof edge Thomas Cruise wraps the rope around his
waist and the other end around a steel safety rail.

He positions himself to rappel down the side of the building.

Manfred appears from the roof stairwell. Slouched over, he
limps towards Thomas Cruise. His lump is even larger now.
He strains to lift his head to look at Thomas Cruise.

MANFRED
Master, you forgot your gloves.

Thomas Cruise tears off his shirt. He makes perfect strips
that he wraps around his hands.

Thomas Cruise grips the rope with his makeshift gloves.
Shoots Manfred a look and before he drops over the side...

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Manfred if I don't make it back...

MANFRED
But master you will make it back.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Manfred, listen. If I don't make it
back remember to clean the Precog
tank once a week and don't over feed
them.

Sweat glistens off his shirtless muscular body as Thomas
Cruise rappels down the side of the building.

Half way down smoke pours off his make shift gloves.

THOMAS CRUISE
(yells nasally)
Oh **** my hands are in great pain
Manfred.

Thomas Cruise makes it almost to the ground but runs out of
rope about twenty feet above the ground.

MANFRED
I'll pull you up Thomas Cruise.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
It's thirteen stories Manfred.
Thirteen stories.

MANFRED
Actually about twelve stories given
that you are approximately one story
above ground.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
I can make it Manfred. I can make
it. I'll just swing over a car and...

Thomas Cruise lets go and lands with a hard bone-shattering
thump on a car roof. The windows of the car blow out from
the impact. He lets out a loud GROAN. The car's alarm goes
off.

Thomas Cruise rolls off the car roof onto the glass covered
parking lot.

He pulls himself up, a bloody mess, and staggers towards
Robotard 8000.

Its giant foot right over an eighteen wheeler emblazoned
with "GUMY BEARS" on it's side.

Thomas Cruise limps towards the truck and jumps in the drivers
seat.

But not in time. The giant mechanical foot comes down on
the huge truck.

Just as Thomas Cruise leaps out of the truck it explodes.

Thomas Cruise sits, surrounded by burning debris.

Out of the corner of his only working eye he sees a perfect
box of GUMY BEARS.

He checks his wrist video screen. Bill is standing at the
counter.

Sporting an intense smile Thomas Cruise hobbles towards the
Theater.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - ZAGAT'S MOVIE CONCESSION -- DAY

CONCESSION ATTENDANT
...here's your drink. Not diet.
But I'm afraid we're out of Gumy...

The doors of the Theater swing open. Thomas Cruise staggers
in. He tries to leap over the concession counter but falls
short. The sickening sound of breaking bone echoes through
the lobby.

Thomas Cruise pulls himself up to the counter with his only
working arm. Blood and gumy-bear entrails cake his face.
He pushes the box of gumy-bears, still in pristine condition
towards Bill.

Thomas Cruise slumps to the floor.

[umo]

Clueless...

You are hilarious. :bounce:

The only way I could improve your stuff is by offering up a naked MALE alien instead--perhaps carrying additional appendages?

The possibilities are endless but I dare not mess with perfection.


umo :)

[Mark Somers]

Thanks umo.


Just jump in.



I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm just writing stuff.

[theblondewritr]

Umo, should you enter (and I hope you do) all you need to do is write a funny scene with my original character BILL BELLAMY standing in line at the movie concessions.

We'll put the scenes to a vote starting Monday April 27th.
The deadline is Sunday, April 26th-HIGH NOON.

[IndieMe]

I enjoyed reading this thread. The only reason I didn't participate was... well, my record on being funny is just sad... :p

[theblondewritr]

my record on being funny is just sad...


I beg to differ IndieMe. Nonetheless, if you're inspired, to quote clueless,
"Jump In".

[Mark Somers]

Is there a page limit?


Can we vote for our own stuff?

[Mark Somers]

Where's my sign at?

[Mark Somers]

There it is.

[Fortean]

Is there a page limit?

No limit, just remember to send theblondewritr the usual fee of $5 per page.

Can we vote for our own stuff?

Yes, $100 fee for each self-inflicted vote.

Where's my sign at?

Since your birthday keeps changing, check out your most recent star-sign on this zodiac (http://www.acornelectron.co.uk/ills/eug/s-eug00e.gif).

Our Concession guy looks to his co-worker for help.
His co-worker just shrugs and points to a ZODIAC SIGN CHART

CONCESSION GUY (to Bill)
So you're THAT GUY.

Bill's face says it all. He doesn't have a clue.

[Mark Somers]

I don't think I'm going to be able to finish my pages by 12:00 today.

But I wrote a sh1t load this week, at least for me anyways.


I need a nap. But not before a heaping, steaming tub of :mpopcorn: Poopcorn.

[theblondewritr]

...better make that $10/page -I got my eye on this Boat (http://www.mvnorthwind.com/).

btw, I'm going to extend the Deadline to Midnight tonight. :)

[Mark Somers]

Thanks theblondwritr. My second part wouldn't fit in the box. So I need to repost it.

[Mark Somers]

BALLS OF CONCESSION ( Part 2 )



INT. 747 AIRCRAFT - UPPER DECK -– NIGHT

Men in business suits are drinking and laughing. A business
man staggers up the steps onto the upper deck zipping up his
pants. Another man staggers down the steps to join a line
at the rest room door.

INT. 747 AIRCRAFT - COCKPIT -– NIGHT

In the pilot's seat is VINCENT VEGA, he looks a lot like
JOHN TRAVOLTA. In the co-pilot's seat is JULES WINNFIELD,
he looks a lot like SAMUEL L. JACKSON.

JULES
...Okay now, tell me how this is
supposed to go.

VINCENT
We...
(off Jules' glare)
I... pull this lever and the lavatory
sump dumps. No problem.

JULES
I know that part. What I want to
know is what you're planning to tell
the FAA?

VINCENT
It's legal, but it ain't a hundred
percent legal. I mean you're only
supposed to dump in certain designated
places.

JULES
That's what you're going to tell
them?

VINCENT
Hell no, I'll tell them it was an
accident, or an act of god.

JULES
Don't blaspheme. God is serious
****. People don't like going outside
just to be hit with urine and ****...
****.

VINCENT
It'll be frozen. Blue Ice.

JULES
Frozen hard? Like a ****ing rock? I
don't think people like getting hit
with frozen **** either.

VINCENT
The odds are it wont hit anybody.

JULES
A car, maybe? I read where some of
this sh1t smashed a car. Is that OK
with you?

Vincent points to an elaborate set of lights marked "Lavatory"
next to the "Lavatory" lever.

VINCENT
In a few minutes the toilets are
going to quit working then what do
want to do?. You want to mop up this
sh1t? We have to dump.

JULES
It ain't right.

VINCENT
Look, we have to dump. I'll start
counting and before I get to ten,
you say dump and I'll pull the lever.

JULES
No ****ing way. I'm not getting
involved.

VINCENT
You're already ****ing involved.
I'm giving you a chance to help the
people below. Like god.

JULES
Don't. Don't do that.

VINCENT
I'm counting and pulling the lever.
One... two...

JULES
It ain't, ****ing right.

VINCENT
...three... four...

EXT. STREET -- NIGHT

Perfectly groomed concrete and glass border a huge window.
Through the glass...

INT. BOUTIQUE WINDOW DISPLAY -- NIGHT

Mannequins adorned in high fashion garb look down their
perfectly shaped noses past huge industrial strength nipples
at the deserted street.

An intense flash of light amongst the mannequins.

An explosion of more light and a powerful force blows out
the window.

A large transparent egg appears at the center of the
explosion. It sizzles as it splits open. A naked very female
human form squats in what's left of the smoking egg shells.

T-X, pulls herself up to full height.

She starts out toward the street. Stops. Looks at the
clothes for a second. Scoffs.

EXT. STREET -- NIGHT

A fashionably dressed WOMAN enters a silver Porsche.

Still very naked, T-X approaches the car.

WOMAN
Are you Okay?

T-X reaches toward the woman in the car.

T-X
I like your scarf.

Spinning tires SCREAM against asphalt.

The car shoots away from T-X.

T-X hops around on one foot while holding her other foot.
She flips off the woman and yells.

T-X
Bitch. It was a Shopco scarf anyway.

A sonic BOOM. A giant chunk of BLUE ICE slams T-X into the
pavement.

T-X, still really naked sits up. She sways in a daze.

T-X POV

Her digital vision is blurred and wracked with static.

She struggles to her feet. In her awesome hotness she bears
an awesome confusion. Unfortunately at the same time she's
covered in an awesome amount of the now melted blue ice stuff.

EXT. HIGHWAY -- NIGHT

T-X stumbles along the road side.

An eighteen wheeler jackknifes as it comes to a SCREECHING
halt.

The sound of tires SQUEALING as cars swerve to miss the truck.
Cars and trucks pile up.

One after the other: cars, trucks, toboggans, aircraft, lawn
mowers. Just about every vehicle known to man and some not
known, like space ships, etc.

[Mark Somers]

BALLS OF CONCESSION ( Part 2 and a half )



The large truck backs up to align the passenger door with a
standing T-X.

T-X opens the door to a large truck driver, EMILY LOMBOWSKI.

EMILY
Need a lift little lady.

As T-X climbs into the truck Emily obviously gets a whiff of
T-X's not so outer beauty.

Emily grabs a dirty clothe, holds it over her nose.

EMILY
(muffled)
In the back, sweet cheeks.

T-X, opens the door to the sleeper cabin behind the cab.

Emily jumps out of the cab.

EMILY
(muffled)
No, no in the trailer.

T-X follows the stocky Emily to the back of the truck's
trailer. Emily pulls the clothe from her face.

EMILY
Not much of a talker, are ya.

T-X
John Conner?

EMILY
Name's, Emily. Emily Lombowski.

T-X
Must kill, John Conner.

EMILY
I like your attitude.

Emily checks out T-X's butt as T-X climbs into the trailer.

EMILY
After we get ya a bath. We're gonna
git along fine.

Emily dances to the truck's cab, climbs in. She fixes her
hair, turns up the volume on her CD player and sings along...
way out of key.

EMILY
...Riders on the storm...
...Riders on the storm...

She pulls out onto the road. The truck passes under bright
lights. "GUMY BEARS" can be seen emblazoned on the side of
the truck.

EMILY (O.S.)
...Into this house were born...
...Into this world were thrown...

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - PARKING LOT-- DAY

Emily and T-X sit in the back of the semi truck's trailer. T-
X is still very naked and is cleaned up now. Their legs
dangling over the side. They're eating Gumy-bears and
singing...

EMILY AND T-X
...Into this house were born...
...Into this world were thrown...
...Like a dog without a bone... ...An
actor out on loan...

A distance voice...

THOMAS CRUISE (O.S.)
(nasally)
I can make it Manfred. I can make
it. I'll just swing over a car and...

A loud THUD... a GROAN followed by the sound of a car alarm.

Emily jumps out of the truck just as Thomas Cruise is limping
towards the truck. He jumps into the cab. Emily screams...

EMILY
What the hell are you doin?

She looks up as Robotard 8000's giant mechanized foot is
coming down on her truck.

EMILY
Holly ****.

She dives for cover.

T-X shrugs. Notices the bright colors of the posters in front
of the theater. "PREMIERE" "BALLS OUT".

The truck explodes, behind her, as she walks to the front of
the theater.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - ZAGAT'S MOVIE CONCESSION -- DAY

T-X walks to the counter. She stops to help Bill with his
microwave.

CONCESSION GUY
...Right...um...

BILL
What! I brought my own! All you have
to do is plug it in to that socket
over there. I do this all the time.

T-X nods her head in agreement.

Another attendant is talking to a customer standing next to
Bill.

CONCESSION ATTENDANT
...here's your drink. Not diet.
But I'm afraid we're out of Gumy...

A commotion at the other end of the counter.

The sickening sound of breaking bone echoes through the lobby.

A hand pushes a box of gumy-bears, still in pristine condition
towards Bill.

CONCESSION GUY
(to Bill)
So you're THAT GUY.

Bill's face says it all. He's clueless.

BILL
What guy?

Bill looks around. At his eye-level, he only see's other
movie-goer's CROTCHES, except for T-X's.

Everyone is staring at Bill, so it seems. T-X is standing
directly behind Bill.

Bill's head is enshrined in T-X's naked crotch.

BILL AND T-X
What?

The concession stand guy taps on the counter to get Bill's
attention and points to the sign.

Bill takes out his thick-rimmed reading glasses. T-X, picks
up Bill so he can read the illuminated sign.

POV-ON SIGN

BILL
(reads aloud)
Your star sign denotes an air of
duality in your character. Simply,
you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A
real fvcking weirdo. You're cheap
and you're short. Nobody likes cheap,
short people.

While still holding up Bill, T-X and Bill look at each other
and shrug.

They walk into the theater.

CONCESSION GUY
Hey you forgot your microwave.

BILL
(looks up at T-X)
Keep it.

T-X
Poopcorn?

Bill holds the box up to her.

THE END