Mark Somers
06-08-2009, 01:10 PM
THE INSULT THAT MADE A MAN OUT OF MAC
EXT. BEAUTIFUL BEACH - DAY
It's a glorious day. Surf lolls lazily up onto the golden
sand, while MR. SUN generously sprinkles cancer causing UV
rays over sunbathing morons.
MAC and MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH recline on a large beach
blanket, enjoying the shade offered by their parasol.
Mac is 19. Skinny and pale with dark hair. He looks like
an anemic Pee Wee Herman with bulimia.
Mac's Snotty Bitch looks like somebody put Megan Fox and
Scarlett Johansson in a blender then poured the resulting
babeshake into the worlds most indiscreet bikini.
How they got together in the first place shall forever be a
mystery.
SUDDENLY, like the wrath of God Almighty, a BIG BRUTE OF A
MAN runs past, kicking sand into Mac and his snotty bitch's
faces.
MAC
Hey! Quit kicking that sand in
our faces!
MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH
That man is the worst nuisance on
the beach.
The sound of their whining reaches the ears of the
lumbering behemoth, who stops dead in his tracks. He
stomps back to Mac and Mac's Snotty Bitch, towering over
them like a volcano of pain about to erupt in their faces.
He grabs Mac by his twig-like arm and pulls him to his
feet, like a huge guy pulling a small skinny guy to his
feet.
Mac's Snotty Bitch just sits there, apparently unconcerned.
BIG BRUTE OF A MAN
Listen here. I'd smash your
face...Only, you're so skinny you
might dry up and blow away.
The Big Brute stares into Mac's eyes, reveling in his
power, unaware of how his lack of knowledge of his own
sexuality effects his every action.
Happy with having asserted himself, the Big Brute strides
away, in search of a discreet place in which to masturbate.
Publicly humiliated, Mac turns to his snotty bitch for
consolation.
But there is none. She looks at him with something that is
the sum of hatred multiplied by loathing to the power of
contempt.
Mac tries to regain a sliver of dignity.
MAC
The big bully! I'll get even
some day.
Mac's Snotty Bitch stands and strikes a sexy pose, showing
him the prize that he was not strong enough to hold on to.
MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH
Oh don't let it BOTHER you little
boy!
PAN up to some SEAGULLS gliding lazily on an updraft,
unconcerned about the minutiae of human relationships.
Their cares are different from ours. I mean, have you ever
seen how excited they get over a bit of pizza crust? A
****ing pizza crust! We don't get that excited over a
whole pizza. Hell, we wouldn't get that excited over 10
pizzas. We should all be seagulls.
INT. MAC'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mac, dressed in a suit jacket with shirt, tie and trousers,
IS PISSED! How do we know he's pissed? Well, for one
thing, he's KICKING A CHAIR, sending it sailing across the
room. It's a good thing Mac doesn't have a dog, or right
now I'd be describing something that I really don't approve
of.
And just in case you're still unclear how PISSED Mac is,
let me also draw your attention to the fact that the
seismic waves of fury emanating from him cause a small lamp
to fall over and a picture to suddenly hang squint on the
wall. Not fall. It just hangs there, squint. Think about
that. Think about the anger that would cause such a thing
to happen.
But that's not all that's going on with Mac right now. As
great as his anger is, it is nothing compared to the
DETERMINATION we see set in his face.
See, not only is he stomping around his living room and
making it untidy, but he is simultaneously READING A BOOK!
And talking to himself.
MAC
Darn it! I'm sick and tired of
being a scarecrow!
Charles Atlas says he can give me
a real body. All right! I'll
gamble a stamp and get his free
book!
INT. MAC'S BEDROOM - DAY
SUPER: LATER
Mac is in front of his dresser mirror admiring himself.
Why? Because Mac is TRANSFORMED. Gone is the skinny wisp
of a man that Mac once was. Now, preening in front of the
mirror, stands an ADONIS. If Mother Nature could be
persuaded to look the other way for five minutes so that
HERCULES could impregnate SUPERMAN, this would be the
resulting child if it was raised by a monastery of
bodybuilders.
The camera moves loving around Mac, reveling in this
physical perfection. If the camera was a tongue, it would
lick Mac. It wants to. It wants to lick him so badly.
AND SO DO YOU.
MAC
Boy! It didn't take Atlas long
to do this for me! What muscles!
That bully won't shove me around
again!
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BEAUTIFUL BEACH - DAY
Mac, a God bestriding the Earth, punches The Big Brute in
the face with the force of a thousand special effects
shots.
Watching from her position under the parasol where we first
saw her, Mac's Snotty Bitch watches this in wonder and
probably starts ovulating instantly.
MAC
What! You here again? Here's
something I owe you!
The Big Brute crumbles under the force of Mac's devastating
blow, out cold.
Mac's Snotty Bitch rushes to grab Mac's arm before every
over woman on the beach can throw herself at him.
MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH
Oh Mac! You are a real man after
all!
Nearby a MAN and WOMAN gaze at Mac with a mixture of
wonder, envy and lust. They both want Mac. Almost as
you do.
ADMIRING WOMAN
Gosh! What a build.
ADMIRING MAN
He's already famous for it!
Mac just stands there, somehow brighter than the sun that
beats down on them all. Mac's Snotty Bitch hangs on his
arm, tragically unaware that she is no longer good enough
for him. Why is she no longer good enough? Because he's
the HERO OF THE BEACH!
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. BEAUTIFUL BEACH - DAY
It's a glorious day. Surf lolls lazily up onto the golden
sand, while MR. SUN generously sprinkles cancer causing UV
rays over sunbathing morons.
MAC and MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH recline on a large beach
blanket, enjoying the shade offered by their parasol.
Mac is 19. Skinny and pale with dark hair. He looks like
an anemic Pee Wee Herman with bulimia.
Mac's Snotty Bitch looks like somebody put Megan Fox and
Scarlett Johansson in a blender then poured the resulting
babeshake into the worlds most indiscreet bikini.
How they got together in the first place shall forever be a
mystery.
SUDDENLY, like the wrath of God Almighty, a BIG BRUTE OF A
MAN runs past, kicking sand into Mac and his snotty bitch's
faces.
MAC
Hey! Quit kicking that sand in
our faces!
MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH
That man is the worst nuisance on
the beach.
The sound of their whining reaches the ears of the
lumbering behemoth, who stops dead in his tracks. He
stomps back to Mac and Mac's Snotty Bitch, towering over
them like a volcano of pain about to erupt in their faces.
He grabs Mac by his twig-like arm and pulls him to his
feet, like a huge guy pulling a small skinny guy to his
feet.
Mac's Snotty Bitch just sits there, apparently unconcerned.
BIG BRUTE OF A MAN
Listen here. I'd smash your
face...Only, you're so skinny you
might dry up and blow away.
The Big Brute stares into Mac's eyes, reveling in his
power, unaware of how his lack of knowledge of his own
sexuality effects his every action.
Happy with having asserted himself, the Big Brute strides
away, in search of a discreet place in which to masturbate.
Publicly humiliated, Mac turns to his snotty bitch for
consolation.
But there is none. She looks at him with something that is
the sum of hatred multiplied by loathing to the power of
contempt.
Mac tries to regain a sliver of dignity.
MAC
The big bully! I'll get even
some day.
Mac's Snotty Bitch stands and strikes a sexy pose, showing
him the prize that he was not strong enough to hold on to.
MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH
Oh don't let it BOTHER you little
boy!
PAN up to some SEAGULLS gliding lazily on an updraft,
unconcerned about the minutiae of human relationships.
Their cares are different from ours. I mean, have you ever
seen how excited they get over a bit of pizza crust? A
****ing pizza crust! We don't get that excited over a
whole pizza. Hell, we wouldn't get that excited over 10
pizzas. We should all be seagulls.
INT. MAC'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mac, dressed in a suit jacket with shirt, tie and trousers,
IS PISSED! How do we know he's pissed? Well, for one
thing, he's KICKING A CHAIR, sending it sailing across the
room. It's a good thing Mac doesn't have a dog, or right
now I'd be describing something that I really don't approve
of.
And just in case you're still unclear how PISSED Mac is,
let me also draw your attention to the fact that the
seismic waves of fury emanating from him cause a small lamp
to fall over and a picture to suddenly hang squint on the
wall. Not fall. It just hangs there, squint. Think about
that. Think about the anger that would cause such a thing
to happen.
But that's not all that's going on with Mac right now. As
great as his anger is, it is nothing compared to the
DETERMINATION we see set in his face.
See, not only is he stomping around his living room and
making it untidy, but he is simultaneously READING A BOOK!
And talking to himself.
MAC
Darn it! I'm sick and tired of
being a scarecrow!
Charles Atlas says he can give me
a real body. All right! I'll
gamble a stamp and get his free
book!
INT. MAC'S BEDROOM - DAY
SUPER: LATER
Mac is in front of his dresser mirror admiring himself.
Why? Because Mac is TRANSFORMED. Gone is the skinny wisp
of a man that Mac once was. Now, preening in front of the
mirror, stands an ADONIS. If Mother Nature could be
persuaded to look the other way for five minutes so that
HERCULES could impregnate SUPERMAN, this would be the
resulting child if it was raised by a monastery of
bodybuilders.
The camera moves loving around Mac, reveling in this
physical perfection. If the camera was a tongue, it would
lick Mac. It wants to. It wants to lick him so badly.
AND SO DO YOU.
MAC
Boy! It didn't take Atlas long
to do this for me! What muscles!
That bully won't shove me around
again!
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BEAUTIFUL BEACH - DAY
Mac, a God bestriding the Earth, punches The Big Brute in
the face with the force of a thousand special effects
shots.
Watching from her position under the parasol where we first
saw her, Mac's Snotty Bitch watches this in wonder and
probably starts ovulating instantly.
MAC
What! You here again? Here's
something I owe you!
The Big Brute crumbles under the force of Mac's devastating
blow, out cold.
Mac's Snotty Bitch rushes to grab Mac's arm before every
over woman on the beach can throw herself at him.
MAC'S SNOTTY BITCH
Oh Mac! You are a real man after
all!
Nearby a MAN and WOMAN gaze at Mac with a mixture of
wonder, envy and lust. They both want Mac. Almost as
you do.
ADMIRING WOMAN
Gosh! What a build.
ADMIRING MAN
He's already famous for it!
Mac just stands there, somehow brighter than the sun that
beats down on them all. Mac's Snotty Bitch hangs on his
arm, tragically unaware that she is no longer good enough
for him. Why is she no longer good enough? Because he's
the HERO OF THE BEACH!
FADE TO BLACK.