Are some things self explanatory?

[Mr Godfree]

Can I say:

"Two high ranking officers enjoy drinks with their guards in what used to be a prosperous roadside cafe."


Can I assume the reader will get a good idea of what a high ranking officer's garb looks like? Wouldn't mentioning a different uniform and an assortments of medals and pins be not only wordy but also doing a job thats not really mine? (specifically the costume designer.)

Thoughts...?

[Strange Mind]

how about "2 highly decorated officers", and that's visual. not really your job to describe every article of clothing, etc, since you're not writing a jcrew catalogue.

[Steve]

I think it's fine but I'd break it up. It's too many images to keep track of in one sentence: high ranking officers; guards; enjoying drinks; use to be properous; roadside; formerlly properous cafe... brain is overloaded.

Maybe describe the place first "A roadside cafe that's seen better days." then describe the officers. I think "highly decorated" is a good suggestion. It's more visual and gives a sense of who the officers are.

[Actor]

"Two high ranking officers enjoy drinks with their guards in what used to be a prosperous roadside cafe."

This whole sentence marks you as an amateur and will get your script flying toward the circular file.

"Used to be ... prosperous" cannot be shown visually, at least not easily. If these two points are vital to your story then find some other way to tell it. Perhaps a flash back that shows the cafe in better shape with more customers and with some clue that it is an earlier time. Perhaps some dialog -- "This place was prosperous before the war."

High ranking implies colonel, general or marshal. Say which.

"Drinks with their guards." That implies that (1) the guards have let their guard down and (2) they are sitting at the same table. If the guards have let their guard down is the crisis past? Yet to come? Or are both the officers and the guards getting laxed? Presumably the guards are enlisted. Contrary to M*A*S*H officers and enlisted do not normally sit at the same table. On the battlefield would be a different story. So would a dinner where the enlisted men were being decorated, but not at a roadside cafe.

My suggestion:

INT. A ROADSIDE CAFE - DAY

Two enlisted German soldiers stand guard, one by the door, the other in the back of the room.

FIELD MARSHAL JODEL and GENERAL INDERLIED seated at a table.

A waiter pours drinks then departs, leaving the bottle.

JODEL
You should have seen this place before the war, General. It was prosperous. Lots of people.

[Rayborg]

I don't know your story, so let me be the only one to ask "Who are these officers?" Police? Military? Anyone can have guards.

I have no problem with "used to be prosperous" - I see an image created with few words.

[Mr Godfree]

Thanks strange, I used your "highly decorated" suggestion and it works beautifuly.

The "used to be prosperous line" at least in my eyes doesn't fall into the realm of show dont tell. It's such a little line and it conveys alot.

Maybe if I had included some set up this would have been more clear...so here it is.

A battle between Japan and the United Systems (basically everyone but Japan) is occuring on many worlds. A couple of surviving United Systems soldiers hide in the back of a back of a lumbering caravan with the bodies of their comrads. The caravan enters the city, where the Japanese are casually walking around celebrating their victory. The soldiers see these highly decorated officers and their unaware guards and decide to attack even though the place is swarming with enemy soldiers.

So I guess them having drinks achieved that.

My apologies for not explaining more.

[LynnBZ]

Be simpler: a run-down diner. Chipped paint on the diner. Once-glorious restaurant...

Try to find the fewest words to convey your idea.

Lynn