Overheard

[lilybet]

What are some of the best overheard lines you might be able to use in the future. Prompted by: I had lunch in a local hamburger joint. A woman came in and ordered -- "I'll have a cheeseburger with no cheese."

No fair making things up. Are you listening, Sweet Bill?

lilybet

[Curtis Loew]

I worked in a convenience store while in college. We had a guy that came in almost everyday to
buy the large 32 oz. bottles of Miller beer. This was 20 years ago. The beer deliveries had been delayed for some reason and for two or three days the guy came in, walked straight to the beer cooler searching for his 32 oz. Miller. He was so disappointed. The 3rd or 4th day came along and I was working alone that evening. The guy walks in and heads to the cooler. I said, "Man, we don't have the 32 ounce bottles yet." He looks in the cooler, turns to me, and I swear he said, "And you're still out of the quart bottles too!" It was all I could do to keep a straight face as he walked sadly out of the store.

[steeves]

fish and chips without the fish...

granted, french is his first language, but it cracked us up anyway

[Bill martell]

I was sitting in a restaurant on Sunset Blvd and heard this one - it was so good I wrote it down:

"Sorry (I'm late) I've been living on rock and roll time."

- Bill

[Tony R]

"Whatever rings your chime..." - don't remember what the reference was. Just stuck in my head.
"You can be powerful, but you can't be almighty." - a friend to the owner of the videostore I frequent. I guess the owner was humorously threatening not to reserve a tape to show this guy who was boss.
"I got plenty of charity in my heart. Just don't f--k with me." - a very Sopranos-like Italian I know.

Tony

[Bill Marquardt]

Here are two real ones from a Post Office:

1. Supervisor finds custodian in an upstairs storage area comfortably seated in a large chair, feet up on a stool, with a newspaper opened in front of him. Custodian realizes supervisor is there and says, "I was just getting ready to go take my break."

No sense wasting your break time to read the paper, eh?

2. Angry maintenance guy to supervisor, "You sleep in your office for eight hours every night and we never know where to find you."

If you didn't catch that, read it again.

I think I'm going to write a screenplay about the night shift at a post office and call it "Going Postal".

Bill M.

[Steve T]

A woman from Public Relations was leading a tour of prospective employees through the building, and I heard the PR woman answering a question as I walked by...

_______PR WOMAN
Yes, most of our basements are
underground.

I assume that the person who asked the question is now gainfully employed by the Federal government.

[lara]

Was playing bingo online where they had this chat feature to go with it. Was snoozing along, reading the chat lines as they came up, mostly your usual 'age/sex/underwear' yadda yadda, but then one little gem came up as:

person1: What happens if you call bingo, but you don't really have a bingo?

person2: you're what's wrong with society.

Cracked me up. Course, I realized two seconds later that these two people were involved in completely seperate conversations and it was just pure chance that I read one line and assumed the next to be a reply to it. And it really really disappointed me that no brilliant bit of banter would ensue. But oh well. Liked the sentiment so much wrote it down and put it up on my wall.

[Outback ms]

2/84.

I was a Private in the Marines, at school, assigned to clean up the Major's office before class.

I walk in and the Major is talking to another officer. This is what I hear as I emptied the trash.

MAJOR
He said he was just picking up some change
he dropped...of course that doesn't explain why
his head was up her skirt


Later,
Outback

[spidey12]

A few years ago I went camping in Maine. I didn't have my watch on, so I walked up to this older fella:
"Excuse me, Sir, do you know what time it is?"
He answered in a Pepperidge Farm accent:
"Do you mean right now?"


keep on swingin'

[spidey12]

Now that I think about it, I guess my story doesn't really qualify as 'overheard.' I hereby retract. :)

[lilybet]

Can't retract. Made me laugh.

lilybet

[ksk2]

From years ago...

Art history student to beginning rock-musician:

"What do think of intermezzo, or staccato?"

Rock musician: "Dunno. I never eat Italian food."

*******

History buff to artist: "How do you view Horatio Hornblower?"

Art-student (curling lip): No idea. I don't watch man-to-man porn."

[Researching]

True story:

The day before the last postal rate hike, I had to reset the office postal machines. I wasn't sure if the new rate was .33 or .34 cents, so I called the post office. Now, you no longer get the post office these days, if you ask for them you are put through to some 800 line (privately run company) who are supposed to answer all your postal questions. I have yet to have them answer one correctly, but this was my first introduction to them:

FEMALE
U.S. Post Office. How may I help you?

ME
I know the postal rates go up tomorrow. Is it .33 or .34 cents an ounce?

FEMALE
(Long Pause)

ME
Hello?

FEMALE
I don't know ma'am, I'll have to check with my supervisor.

CLICK. She hung up on me.

ME
Hello? Hello? @#$*&!!

[ksk2]

A mean-ass teacher, determined to frighten some students before he sends them off to the Headmaster's office, lines up several boys to do the old "Ask questions to sweat them" game, going from to the next, asking, "And what would your father have to say if I told him about your behaviour today?"

Each of the kids mumble a quiet reply until he reaches the last student. "And you?" he asks the teen-ager.

"Couldn't tell you, sir."

"And why is that?"

"'Cuz my Dad's been dead for ten years, sir. You should know... you were at his funeral."

[Goreomedy]

At a Crest Foods store, on Thanksgiving Day, I was standing in a long line with some last-minute items. The woman at the front of the line was in a venomous mood, and was making bizarre demands of the sacker.

"I don't want frozen meats and vegetables in the same bag!"

Finally, she took over the poor teenagers duties, pushing him aside, and sacked the rest of her groceries.

After she left, the man next in line broke the tension.

"I'd like mine sacked in alphabetical order," he said.

[verbalgirl]

In a chat room --

two chatters were having a conversation about roommates, and one asked the other to define "deal with"

the other replied, "Live in close quarters with and not kill, maim, fold, spindle, mutilate, or become oddly yet irrevocably attracted to."

[Meltdown]

This is from a Gas controller for BC gas utilties listening into a couple of Native operators in the back forty ( think of their accent)

Hey, man what time is it?

Like, right now?

[callit]

customer on phone: I just called you up to ask you when it would be a good time to call you up for service?

Response: We provide twenty four hour service. You can call us anytime.

Customer: Oh, okay. I'll call you back then.

Click.

[Couchguy]

To the lurking screenwriters who read these boards looking to steal great lines (you know who you are), if I EVER see this line in a production that I did not write, I will hunt you down and kill you. I know who you are.

That said, on with the show...

While working as a supervisor in a California drugstore, I was approached by a severe-looking old lady in her mid-eighties.

OLD LADY: Excuse me, do you have any sympathy cards?

ME: Yes ma'am, right this way.

OLD LADY: All they have nowadays are HAPPY cards and FUNNY cards...well, there's a lot of pain and misery in this world, and there ought to be a card for it!


Okay, remember my promise. I OWN this line. Woe to the family of the writer who steals it. Steal this line...Death. On great nasty leathery wings.

Your pal,
Couchguy

[GirlinGray]

You can't kill what you can't catch, Couch.

Mwuhahahah.

(Kidding! Put the gun down.)

[Couchguy]

Better look again, GiG...that's no gun.

Your pal,
Couchguy

[GirlinGray]

Hey! Fresh!

[Bill Marquardt]

Don't rememeber where I heard it, but I use it often:

"What's the point of being famous if nobody knows who you are?"

Bill Marquardt

[Couchguy]

Brilliance from my daughter, the Psychic Genius Princess Emily, who when she uttered this line was only FOUR years and FIVE months old...

Scene: Daddy is building a picnic table. He gives a plastic bag full of nuts and bolts to EMILY, 4, to hold. Little sister ELIZABETH, 3, cries furiously.

Elizabeth: (screaming) I want to hold something! I want to hold something! I want to hold something!

Emily: (calmly) Hold your breath.

:lol

GENIUS!

My friends, that is world-class humor at ANY age. "Hold your breath." Classic.

Your pal,
Couchguy

[lilybet]

Marvelous. Exploit that child, get her help with your scripts.

lilybet

[Zeeman13]

True story. Guy walks into a crowded deli to grab lunch.

GUY
(looking at the billboard menu)
I'll have the grilled chicken sandwich.

COUNTERGIRL
You want chicken with that?

GUY
(looks around)
Uhh ... yeah. I want chicken with the grilled chicken sandwich.

COUNTERGIRL
All right.

The guy was me.

[Noctivagus2000]

This is one of those cute little kid scenes...

I work as a flight attendant and overheard this one on the plane while we were doing our beverage service...

A little girl, 3, was watching her mother breast feeding her new baby sister.

The little girl asked her mom what she was doing to which the mother replied, "I'm feeding your baby sister."

"What are you feeding her?"

"Milk"

"Oh...does the other one give apple juice?"

I just about dropped the Coke I was pouring...

Take Care,
Steve, aka Noctivagus

[DOMINIC RIGGIO]

old story but still good.

[ksk2]

A guy is chatting up a girl, but doesn't know she's stripping part-time. She has been presenting her views on feminism for a coupla minutes, and concludes with a statement regarding archaic weaponry. She says she loves the "feeling of empowerment" they give her.

Guy: So, do you own a classic bola?

Girl: No, I don't like feathers, and anyway, Blaze already did that to death back in the old days. I hate the 50's.

[John Bender]

I've been A.W.O.L for awhile, yet fely compelled to re-evoke this thread as it cracked me up.

I spent a couple of years in a very, very Clerks-esque furniture shop. Couple of times i dealt with the most inane barely human backward fools you could imagine.

However.

Young WOMAN ebters store, clutching (ample) tummy and complaining of backpains.

BENDER
Hello Madam. You'll soon have your hands full I take it.

WOMAN
(?)
Sorry?

BENDER
When are you due?

WOMAN
I'm not pregnant.

BENDER.
(5 minutes later)
Oh.

Another time. . .

Irate customer marches in clutching lawyers statements and spitting anger with each word.

CUSTOMER
(1 take)
MY DAUGHTER PURCHASED A BED FROM YOU PEOPLE AND IT'S BROKE AND YOU REFUSED HER REFUND AND NOW I'M GONNA SPEND THE REST OF MORTAL DAYS MAKING SURE YOU FREAKS PAY THE PRICE! YOU'VE CAUSED US PAIN AND ANGUISH AND I SHAN'T REST UNTIL YOU'RE ALL DEAD! UNLESS SOMETHINGS DONE ABOUT IT I'LL BOMB YOU ALL INTO THE NEXT LIFE AND MAKE SURE THE SOFA COMPANY NEVER SEE ANOTHER CUSTOMER AGAIN BECAUSE I'LL TAKE A FULL PAGE AD WARNING THEM THAT YOU'RE A BUNCH OF EGGHEADED CONMEN!!!!!!

BENDER
(With Smile)
Sir, the Sofa Company is next door.

Ground opens up and swallows customer.


Bye.

There is more but it's now 4-30 am in the morning.

[Noctivagus2000]

This one's an overheard overheard...actually, a story from a fellow flight attendant I thought was funny...

A woman is getting off the plane, and as she's passing the first class galley, she stops and tells the flight attendant, "That was the worst food I've ever eaten."

The captain steps out of the @#%$pit and tells the woman, "Next time, why don't you ask your favorite restaurant to fly you to Boston."

Maybe you gotta be a flight attendant to appreciate that one, but...

Nocti

[wcmartell]

Nocti,

You know what's funnier than your story?

What ezboards does with the word "@#%$pit".

They should assess their policy of deleting words again.

- Bill

[Noctivagus2000]

I saw that...

guess I'll have to rework the title of my newest: "The @#%$y @#%$ateu in the @#%$pit." That silly bird will never be able to fly his plane....:lol

Nocti

[Roxanne Battle]

Last night, in my room, in the dark, I overheard the really drunk bricklayer say to his even drunker toothless wife that the least she could do was to bath before he gets home from the bar. He then strangled her to death, she didn't say much more after that.

I smell dead people...

Roxanne battle, Hollywood

[jill393]

While working in a software company, during college, this was an actual conversation Ii had with a customer who had problems with his software:

Customer: While I have you on the phone, your support manual is horrible.

Me: Really? What part did you have trouble with?

Customer: I loaded the disk and the book said to hit any key. I don't have an "any" key on my keyboard. I looked for 1/2 an hour.

Me: Uh... sorry, that's a misprint, it should have been the "n" key.

Customer: Maybe you people should proofread that manual better, it says any key all over it.

[GirlinGray]

Jill, that cracked me up.

[callit]

can you stand one more?

The tragedies of life forced my wife & i to attend two funerals last weekend, prompting me to don 'the suit' for both occasions. On the morning of the second service, I came downstairs only to be met by my four year old's disapproving frown.

"Wearing that again?" she asked.

[LynnBZ]

I was walking down the sidewalk on my college campus one day. Two kids were sitting in the back seat of a car parked outside the gym, waiting for someone, and lots of students were coming the other direction since class had just gotten out for the evening.

As two guys walked by the car, the kids let loose with a string of "nananattthhhhwwppptttt" and other nonsense noises. Unperturbed, one guy turned to the other and said, "Sounds like my physics professor today."


:lol

Lynn

[Steve]

A friend of mine was eating at a big industry hangout a few years ago and overheard this when two producer types ran into each other:

Bob: Hey, Wally, how ya doing?

Wally: Great. I'm meeting Joe Shmoe for lunch.

Bob: You're having lunch with Joe Shmoe?

Wally: Yeah.

Bob: Wally, Joe Shmoe is breakfast!

[lilybet]

Steve - loved that one.

lilybet