A multitude of questions

[eddyuk]

Okay. Here's how this is gonna go: I'm a newbie and I ask questions. You are all great sources of wisdom. You answer the newbie's questions...or something like that.

(But on a serious note, I'd really appreciate any feedback on these questions as I'm kinda at a loss at the moment...)

Okay, here come the questions (and sorry if this is a rather long post).

==============
1) I'm currently wondering if the first scene (or first couple of scenes) in my screenplay grabs the reader in. If think it reads quite well and would be interested to see what you all think. (Again, sorry for this long paste from the script, but I'd really like your opinions on this)...

(some background info: the screenplay is along the lines of Trainspotting/American beauty/American History X (basically with a strong driving narrative))

*******

WHITE LETTERS on BLACK; SUPER the WORDS,

"Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

FADE TO BLACK.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp CUT TO:
INT. DINER - NIGHT

A mass of MUSIC and CONVERSATION.

Waitresses dance about between tables.

In one corner sits a YOUNG MAN.
Caucasian. 17, maybe older. His expression betrays nothing. Alert, nervous eyes scan the surroundings. His short hair hangs just over his eyes. He's nothing too special.

The YOUNG MAN sits hunched up against the wall. In front of him are the remnants of a meal.

A waitress approaches.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp WAITRESS
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Ya done with that there, hon?


The YOUNG MAN glances up.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp YOUNG MAN
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Yeah. Yeah sure.


Bending down the waitress picks up the plate and gathers up the cutlery. She glances at the kid between these actions.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp WAITRESS
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Are you okay? Ya look kinda...
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp YOUNG MAN
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Kinda what?

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp WAITRESS
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Well, kinda scared.

The Young Man pushes himself a little further back into his chair. The waitress puts the plates back down on the table.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp WAITRESS
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Hey, you're not on drugs or something,
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp are you?


No answer. This infuriates the waitress.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp WAITRESS
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Well I'll be damned. Yal one of those
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp junkie kids, aren't ya? Well, we don't
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp like your sort in here.


The young man gazes on in wonder.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp YOUNG MAN
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Look, I'm not--
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp WAITRESS
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Go on. Get out of here. We don't welcome
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp people like you in here. Get your--

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp YOUNG MAN
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp I'm not on--

FREEZE FRAME.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp YOUNG MAN (V.O)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp I guess you're wondering who exactly I
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp am. Well, my name is Jamie. I'm seventeen
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp years old. And this, this is the kind of
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp @#%$ that happens to me all the time...
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp CUT TO:

INT. CAR

The young man, whom we now know as JAMIE, lies sprawled out over the back seat of the car. He lifts up a joint to his lips, lights it and takes a long drag.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JAMIE (V.O)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp My life wasn't always like this. I wasn't
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp always this pissed off and inscrutable.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp This arrogant.


Jamie takes another drag.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JAMIE (V.O)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp My life wasn't always this hopeless and
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp pathetic. No, quite the contrary
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp actually. I used to like my life and &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp enjoyed living. I used to hold promise. I
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp used to have a future...Let me show you...

=======================

I was going to ask other questions, but I think I'll put them in another seperate post on second thoughts.

Anyway, I'd like to know what you think, and be honest (but not too honest as I'm 17 and this is my first screenplay I've ever written :) )

Thanks in advance.

[Strange Mind]

first off, congrats on finishing your first screenplay.

this is just my opinion but you make a mistake when you describe your protagonist as "nothing too special". because he's your main character, correct? if he's nothing too special, why should the reader care about him?

your protagonist SHOULD be special. something about him must make the reader/audience care. because it's a 2 hour movie i'm sitting through. or a 120page script i'm reading.

i'm sure you'll get feedback from others on how they think your pages go. can't get into the mindset to critique those right now, but that one thing jumped out at me.

good luck

[Taotropics310]

If you're really seventeen, you're really on the right track. Spend the next five years writing instead of trying to make sales and you've got a future.

[wcmartell]

1) Ask any question! Keep asking!

2) What TAT said - if you're 17, you're doing okay... just keep doing it.

3) You rely on VO and that's a potential trap. VO is really hard to pull off. Often it's used as a crutch to tell the story when a writer can't figure out how to create dramatic situations that tell the story. Nothing happens to the character... except in his head. Another VO trap is when it's used to explain what we're seeing - and becomes redundant. Good VO adds a new level to the story - usually as a counterpoint to what we see. If you removed the VO from Don Roos' THE OPPOSITE OF SEX we would still have a complete film that tells its story through the actions of the characters. The film would still tell its story without confusion or any need for explaination. The VO is a "bonus".

Think about NOT using VO on the next script.

4) I think the waitress over reacts. Think of cause and effect - what could Jamie do that creates this negative reaction? Instead of looking scared (which doesn't seem to pay off) what if he's sleeping in the booth? Try to put yourself in the shoes of each of your characters and see the world through their eyes. Even the small characters.

5) It's been years since I saw TRAINSPOTTING, but didn't that open with the guys being chased by the police? I know AMERICAN BEAUTY opens with Lester getting his brains blown out... and I think AMERICAN HISTORY X has a similar opening. I think you could have a more effective opening if you get some conflict in there. What if at the next table a couple left their money with the bill on the table and exited the restaurant... and Jamie tried to snag the money before the waitress came back? If he's clever about it, we'll not only become INVOLVED, we'll be rooting for him to get away with it! That would also give you a good confrontation with the waitress (if she suspects him) and give her a good reason to boot him out of the restaurant. Plus, I want to know more about this kid - why he stole the money.

Just some notes and ideas - don't take any of it personally.

- Bill

[MrGazzo]

Actually Bill, American Beauty started out with Lester saying he was going to be dead in less than a year. He didn't get his head blown off until the end.

Eddyuk, let me start by saying congratulations by finishing your script, especially at a young age. First, the first script that writers finish is NEVER as good as they think it is. You need to constantly rewrite and have your characters evolve and grow.

You're young, I mean your a kid compared to a lot of the people on this board. Take Bill's advice. Don't worry about a sale now. LEARN YOUR CRAFT. DOMINATE YOUR CRAFT. Look into going to film school, read as much as you can, I can't stress that enough. And most important, WRITE, WRITE, WRITE,...

And who knows, in ten years, we may see you on stage making an acceptant speech for your Oscar.

Good Luck, and listen to what these people have to say. They know alot more than you. And they been there and done that.

[Goreomedy]

I too wrote my first screenplay at 17. The result, while complete and effective at moments, lacked the professionalism I knew I could acheive. Eventually.

FREEZE FRAME.

YOUNG MAN (V.O)
I guess you're wondering who exactly I
am. Well, my name is Jamie. I'm seventeen
years old. And this, this is the kind of
@#%$ that happens to me all the time...


A minor criticism, the opening is much too similar to Trainspotting. The freeze frame, the attitude, even the dialogue, minus a cockney accent.

Be careful of borrowing subconsciously from films you respect. That was a flaw of my first work.

I'm glad to see another writer starting at such a young age. Keep pounding away on those plays.

[eddyuk]

First off, I see where you're going with the VO thing, Bill. I use this quite a lot throughout the script, so I've decided I'm going to see if I can cut back on using it(as yes, I guess it is kinda lazy writing really).

Secondly, I appreciate the other things people said. I'm going to take those on board too, but right now, know what I'm gonna do? -- I'm gonna write.

Thanks for advice and wisdom, oh and MrGazzo - that thing about the Oscar deal, that's what I'm counting on :)

Thanks All.

-Ed.