First Scene

[maccnick]

I have seen some good feedback from a few people on the board and couldn't resit. Anyway, here is the first scene which translates to the first page and 3 lines.

I would apreciate comments as to how well it flows, etc.

Thanks.

FADE IN:

EXT. RAVINE -- EVENING

A young man, RICHARD, in his early twenties runs to the top of a ravine. It is empty. The clouds are dark and the wind is blowing strongly, trees swaying calmly. There is a rustling in the bushes. RICHARD stops and turns in the direction of the movement.

CHARLES
Richard, what are you doing here?

RICHARD
There's a party today.

CHARLES
What?

RICHARD
A party. Bunny's there now.

Three more step out from behind a tree.

FRANCIS
See, told you.

HENRY
How do you know he's at the party?

RICHARD
He left a note in the library.

CHARLES
Let's go home.

HENRY
Damn. I hoped we'd get this over with.

CAMILLA
I'm hungry.

HENRY starts to walk off towards the woods.

FRANCIS
Where are you going?

HENRY
I'm going to go dig up some ferns. Then we can leave.

Page 2

FRANCIS
Oh, let's just forget about that. Nobody's going to see us.

HENRY
Somebody might. If they do, I want to have an excuse for being up here.

HENRY continues and disappears into the woods. FRANCIS pulls out a cigarette and leans against a tree.

CUT TO:

EXT. RAVINE -- LATER

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[steeves]

Technical:
Maybe "to the edge of an empty ravine"
And
If the wind is blowing *strongly* the trees may not be swaying *calmly*

As for the flow, well, no offense but I find it confusing.

[maccnick]

Here is the cut to the ravine later. Maybe this will make it less confusing to see the whole picture. If not, then maybe I should reword some of it.

CUT TO:

EXT. RAVINE -- LATER

HENRY comes rushing out of the woods.

HENRY
Someone's coming.

CHARLES
What?

HENRY
Around the back way. Listen.

FRANCIS
I don't hear anything.

Footsteps begin to approach.

A sixth young man, BUNNY emerges, holding a beer in his hand. He slowly approaches the others clustered together. Their heads all look in BUNNY's direction as he stumbles towards them drunk.

BUNNY
Well, I'll be damned. What's this? Meeting of the nature club?

CAMILLA
Hi, Bun.

BUNNY
Hi yourself.
(takes a swig from his beer)
You people sure do a lot of sneaking around in the woods these days.

BUNNY walks up to RICHARD. He pokes RICHARD in the ribs.

BUNNY
I've been trying to reach you.

RICHARD
Really?

BUNNY
Aaah. So what's the story, deerslayers? You all just felt like coming our here to study the vegetation?

HENRY appears from behind one of the others.

HENRY
Well, not exactly.

BUNNY
Henry old pal, this is quite a surprise.
(pausing)
What you doing, burying the dead?

HENRY
Bunny, I'm happy you came by.

BUNNY
Really?

HENRY
Yes. Yes I am, actually.

BUNNY
Tell me...
(pausing)
Just what in Sam Hill are you guys doing out here anyway?

HENRY
Why, we're looking for new ferns.

Then, in an instant two of the men are atop BUNNY. They back him up to the edge of the ravine and push him over the side, but somehow he grips the wall with his hands. He is clawing for a grip that would allow him to pull himself up, to no avail.

BUNNY looks up over the edge at the faces of his attackers and falls back, swinging his arms wildly.

The side of the ravine reveals the falling body. The others turn away as his body slowly falls over the edge and towards it's eminent end. The impact is heard, but not seen as the five others back track down the hill, leaving the body behind. Walking briskly. None look back. They're emotionless as they exit and vanish into the woods. Confident that their mission was successful.

FADE TO:

[Upstart7]

Well, you only introduce Richard to the reader. All of a sudden, Charles, Francis, Camilla, Henry, etc. just pop out of nowhere, give us a little description. Thats what makes it a little confusing (to me anyway)...

Hmmm...I smell another message area, First page??

[Steve T]

1) Five characters are in the scene and another (Bunny) is mentioned, but only one is properly introduced.

2) Nothing really happens, except that they talk the first guy out of going to a party, and doing something with, or to, Bunny. Even then, there isn't much conflict in the discussion.

3) The bit about the ferns seems like a device to seperate Henry so that something can happen to him.

Overall, I'd say it's more confusing than intriguing.

My $0.02

[steeves]

We've had a few of these now and they are enjoyable and educational, both to the original and subsequent posters...

Seems like a lot of people dying on page one... a trend for the 00's??

[Steve T]

...chuck the first page, and start with them throwing Bunny off the cliff, then handle your introductions on the walk back.

Also, describe the depth of the ravine.

That's my advice, and I'm sticking to it.

[maccnick]

I orginally had it so that it started out with them throwing him off the ravine. But I was told that i needed to expand that so that we see them waiting.

That scene is like a prologue. The next scene jumps two years into the past and we follow these 6 characters to around page 85. Then the rest is how the 5 left handle the scene. This is a 150 page script so this is what happens in the middle of the script.

As well as the 4 people who pop up, they are properly introduced about 7 pages later. This is Richard's story and that is why he is mentioned properly here. The others I wanted to keep a mystery until we met them a few pages later.

The whole point of the scene is to throw people off, or at least that was sort of my intention, but to still keep it interesting.

Maybe I am over analyzing my thoughts maybe not. But if it doesn't work in the end, it will have to be simplified.

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[Upstart7]

maccnick, I understand what you're saying about introducing the characters but I'm not sure if it comes across properly on paper. If you have a character named JOEY in a scene but don't want to reveal much about him until later, you still have to introduce him. He doesn't have to be known initially as JOEY, he could be UGLY HAWAIIAN SHIRT GUY, CUBAN CIGAR CHEWER, GUY WITH BAD COUGH, etc. until you're ready.