View Full Version : First scene
English Bob
03-14-2001, 06:01 AM
This is the opening two pages of my screenplay. It's copyrighted so don't bother trying to steal it!
What I want to know is, does it grab you? I can't help thinking there's too much description, but at the same time I feel I need that much description. Help.
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET-NEW YORK. NIGHT                                       
LOW ANGLE following a speeding ambulance as it weaves its way through the busy night traffic. We move in closer to the ambulance, entering the exhaust pipe. Moving through the mechanics of the vehicle we see the pistons turning fast, the gears shifting up, and then we come to a stop near a small EXPLOSIVE DEVICE hidden in the engine.
INT. AMBULANCE-CABIN. NIGHT                                               
LEONARD, aged 23, drives the ambulance aggressively through the mass of vehicles and pedestrians in the street. Sitting shotgun is WARREN, 42.
                                LEONARD
                        (Voice-over)
                Meet. Warren. A nice guy, but a bit
                pathetic.
                                                                        CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT. NIGHT                                                       
CLOSE UP on a finger on the trigger of a hand gun. PULL BACK WIDE to reveal Warren, standing at the bathroom mirror, with a gun in his mouth.
Leonard enters the bathroom behind Warren. Warren does not notice him as Leonard isn’t really there. Leonard watches Warren, studying him.
                                LEONARD
                        (Direct-to-camera)
                Every night Warren puts a gun in his
                mouth and tries to think of a reason
                not to pull the trigger.
Warren removes the gun from his mouth, fear in his eyes.
               
                                LEONARD
                        (Direct-to-camera)
                He always finds one.
English Bob
03-14-2001, 06:25 AM
I also think that the action is written in a very episodic way with no mood or atmosphere coming across to the reader. I simply just describe the action. How would you guys write it?
jedipoteat
03-14-2001, 06:30 AM
that's 2 pages? Hm.
Not bad. I think people are gonna tell you to lose the we's in the 1st description. I don't mind them but the camera angles I would probably try to filter out. you know the 'don't tell the director how to do his job' thing.
Very 'fight club'ish. Almost too much so. Actually on second read, I think this scene could have been a deleted scene from Fight Club. If you are going for that, that's good, but I doubt you want the 'copycat' image.
Then again, it's hard to tell from this little bit how similar they are...for all i know the next scene might make a 180.
English Bob
03-14-2001, 07:31 AM
I know it sounds a bit Fight Clubish but it does change. The story is completely different. Fight Club was all about male empowerment and mid life crisis where as mine is about a young mans mental deteriation caused by the death he encounters daily in his job (a crime scene investigator for anybody whose interested) and the experienced man who must face his own problems to help the new guy. I don't feel there's anything wrong with writing/making a film in the style of Fight Club because the plot is different. Most film and scripts are inspired by something or other.
RatWriter
03-14-2001, 07:38 AM
Sounds like a Twilight Zone opening.
Does it grab me? No, but the scene is okay.
Too much description? No, not enough. I can't visualize the apartment scene. What does the apartment look like? How are the two dressed? As this is the first scene, these descriptions should be included.
BOL
Rat
English Bob
03-14-2001, 08:29 AM
I bashed out another version that I think is a little better. The reason I said I thought there was too much description is because on paper it looks like theres is and I read somewhere that you should keep your description/action minimal as most people skip over it. Anyway, here is a revised version. It still needs a little work.
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET-NEW YORK. NIGHT                                       
An AMBULANCE moves at great speed through the busy night traffic, the sirens blaring and the lights flashing.
Moving through the mechanics of the ambulance we see the pistons turning fast, the gears shifting up, coming to a stop near a small EXPLOSIVE DEVICE hidden in the ENGINE.
INT. AMBULANCE-CABIN. NIGHT                                               
LEONARD, aged 23, drives the ambulance aggressively through the mass of vehicles and pedestrians in the street. He wears a BLACK SUIT and a tie thrown loosely around his neck. Sitting shotgun is WARREN, 42, also wearing a suit and holding a bucket into which he is vomiting.
                                LEONARD
                        (Voice-over)
                Meet Warren. A nice guy, but a bit
                pathetic.
                                                                        CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT-BATHROOM. NIGHT                                                       
CLOSE UP on a finger on the trigger of a hand gun. PULL BACK WIDE to reveal Warren, standing at the bathroom mirror, with a gun in his mouth.
Warren seems out of place here, his dishevelled and worn expression contrast with the bathroom’s clean and respected appearance. An expensive shower unit is in the corner and a mahogany wall cabinet hangs opposite from Warren who is standing before the basin.
Leonard enters the bathroom behind Warren. Warren does not notice him, as Leonard isn’t really there. Leonard watches Warren, studying him.
                                LEONARD
                        (Direct-to-camera)
                Every night Warren puts a gun in his
                mouth and tries to think of a reason
                not to pull the trigger.
Warren removes the gun from his mouth, fear in his eyes.
               
                                LEONARD
                        (Direct-to-camera)
                He always finds one.
English Bob
03-14-2001, 08:37 AM
This ISN'T the first 2 pages but is the first page. I was going to put the first 2 pages and then decided to only put the first one on. That's why it looks a bit thin.
StRogue
03-14-2001, 09:07 AM
I'd get rid of the camera angles and that "production" script look, turn it into a spec script..sort of like (without changing much of what you've done so far):
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK STREET -- NIGHT
An AMBULANCE moves at great speed through the busy night traffic, the sirens blare and the lights flash.
Closer look at the
MECHANICS
of the ambulance: Pistons turn fast, the gears shift, a small EXPLOSIVE DEVICE hidden in the engine. Inside the
CABIN
LEONARD, aged 23, drives aggressively through the mass of vehicles and pedestrians in the street. He wears a BLACK SUIT and a tie thrown loosely around his neck. WARREN, 42, sits shotgun, also wears a suit and holds a bucket in which to vomit.
LEONARD (V.O.)
Meet Warren. A nice guy, but a bit pathetic.
***
Try to eliminate the -ings on your verbs. Notice the different way to add sluglines when still in the same sequence. CUT TOs I am told are old school (they steal space on your page), that was one of the first questions I asked here on these boards.
The thing about the gun in the mouth, that reminded me of Lethal Weapon.
Good Luck.
Charli
English Bob
03-14-2001, 10:13 AM
Cheers for your advice. I'll keep it in mind for the rest of the script.
I've never seen Lethal Weapon, is it exactly the same? I don't want to be told I'm ripping something else off.
Couchguy
03-14-2001, 12:54 PM
I disagree with the "too much directory stuff" advice. Directors will ignore that stuff anyway, and I like that you've at least thought out the scene enough to try to visualize it for us.
See ambulance goes fast. See bomb in engine. ??
Boring.
I really liked the idea of moving right through the exhaust pipe and into the engine compartment of the ambulance. I've never seen that before--I'm not saying it hasn't been done, but I haven't seen it--and it's WAY more visually interesting than "see ambulance, see bomb". That's the last thing I'd change about this scene.
I'm also very curious as to why the driver of an ambulance is wearing a suit and tie.
Good luck.
Your pal,
Couchguy
cineman
03-14-2001, 03:25 PM
I like what you have, it's super!!! I can totally visualize what you're trying to accomplish, but the one thing that gets me is the fight club similarities, although not the same story they almost have the same opening only switched slightly.
First there is the Narration, and then the moving through the exhaust pipe to see the bomb, much like the pan down the side of the high rise to the parkade where there is also a bomb in Fight club. One other thing is the whole gun in the mouth, now it's not Tyler durden holding the gun in his mouth, but himself, in a way though it is the same because Tyler durden is the same as the edward norton character. One last thing about the exhaust pipe is that it also reminds me of the pulling out of the body shot from the opening credits.
Now i'm not saying that you should scrap everything, but maybe change it around so it isn't at the beginning of your script...Break it up a bit so it doesn't seem so similar.
As for the writing, I think it's good, I'm no expert but it was clear and concise to me, Maybe you should listen to the others about the direction writing as well as the "we" stuff, but to me it shouldn't matter, but if it means the difference between selling a script and have it collect dust then I'd go with them on this one.
Ciao I hope to read more of your stuff, and watch if you know what I mean ;)
Cine
Goreomedy
03-14-2001, 05:27 PM
"WARREN, 42, sits shotgun, also wears a suit and holds a bucket in which to vomit.
LEONARD (V.O.)
Meet Warren. A nice guy, but a bit pathetic.
***
Try to eliminate the -ings on your verbs."
If we're going to be so anal as to remove -ings from verbum, you need to make sure to retain the original connotation.
...holds a bucket in which to vomit.
...holds a bucket into which he vomits.
I wouldn't bring this up, but it is the second time you've suggested this type of change. If it reads okay, why go through the trouble of altering tense? Perhaps our dictionaries read differently, but in mine, -ing verbs are justified for action in progress.
CRASH
03-15-2001, 05:22 AM
Bob - it's a good thing you told me not to steal your pages, because I was watering at the mouth.
International Male
03-15-2001, 09:29 AM
I like it. Sounds gripping to me.
I think one thing we do as writers is over analyze our writing. It'll drive you crazy.
Plus, it IS possibe for a piece of literature to be "overwritten", you know. That is, it's tightened up too much; it's too perfect and it's structured to the point that it's dry and boring. Many sit-coms have this problem.
So, don't worry if your writing is a little loose. That's good too.
It's ok to say, "It's good enough."
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