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dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:05 AM
If any fancy formatting got lost as PM's were passed around, so sorry. At least all entries are equal, i.e. lowest common denominator text.

Edit: ah crap, I posted one entry out of sequence. Can you pretend I posted "Midday News On FNN..." (posted last :dunce:) after "On Day One" so the entries list as:

"Political Sketch Entry"
vs.
"The Oval Office"

"On Day One"
vs.
"Midday News On FNN With Former Lovers Felicia and William"

"For Derek"
vs.
"Principle's Office"

"An Inconvenient Lunacy"
vs.
"Not on Our Watch!"

Pick 4 winners from the above and PM the 4 titles to Adam or me.

Entrants should PM me if I've made a witless bollocks of their entry, I'll fix it soonest!

-Derek

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:06 AM
"Political Sketch Entry"

The presidential seal appears with the words
ďSpecial White House AnnouncementĒ.

President Bush situates himself over a podium.

BUSH
My fellow Americans. Now I know my decision to stay the course in Iraq, to tough it out, has drawn controversy. Certainly a hot topic in this yearís debates.

Bush collects his thoughts.

BUSH
Many doubt that democracy-our gift to the Middle East-has been well received in the first place. Which is why I decided to prove to the American public.

Three curious Iraqiís are guided to a table.

BUSH
Prove that Iraqi people crave democracy. Much like I crave hot chocolate. Or my Saturday morning fruit loops. Prove it in what I call the freedom taste test.

Patriotic colored ĎAí and ĎBí cans are set in front of each Iraqi.

BUSH
Growing up an avid drinker of Pepsi, I admired their uncanny ability to prove-time and time again-their superiority over Coca-Cola.
(beat)
So I thought to myself. What better way to show that Iraqis prefer freedom 2 to 1 over oppression.

BUSH
I had our top scientists devise a scientifical method to convert freedom into liquid soda form.

The Iraqis timidly lift the drink to their mouths.

BUSH
Donít be afraid my shy Iraqi friends.

The test subjects sip can ĎAí.

BUSH
(Whispers to camera audience)
Thatís the freedom can.

Two chug the rest of their freedom brew and knock over can ĎBí. The third spits freedom out and vividly refuses another sip.

The dissenter is led, then dragged O.S.

BUSH
A clear cut victory for Freedom. Freedom that weíll continue to protect at all costs. With all methods necessary.

O.S., leather straps buckle and strap into place.

BUSH
Such as extracting vital information from the minds of extremists. Now I assure you, we have highly trained professionals. Professionals with highly trained techniques.

INTERROGATOR (O.S.)
Coochie coochie coo. Coochie coochie coo.

The Iraqi giggles O.S.

BUSH
Getting information vital to foiling terrorist plots.

INTERROGATOR (O.S.)
Coochie coochie coochie coochie coo!

O.S. giggles turn into uncontrollable squeals and gasps for breath.

BUSH
Donít think we donít know. You seeÖ

Bush points to his head.

BUSH
Iím in here Al Qaeda. Your operatives squealed. Squealed like cows. Giving up countless details.

BUSH
Like your plot to overthrow Candy Land. Or to make bombs from highly explosive falafels.
We take all threats seriously.

An official enters to whisper in Bushís ear.

BUSH
I donít have any other statements. No. I would know--

The official whispers again.

BUSH
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh. I understand our Iraqi friend would like to make a statement.

The Iraqi man is strapped to a table, having the devil tickled out of him by the interrogator.

He uses a giant feather to the foot, interrupted by the occasional mouth to belly zerbert.

Bush grabs a swig from a freedom can.

BUSH
Donít be shy my Iraqi friend.

IRAQI
(laughing)
LiÖlive from New York, itís Saturday Night!

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:08 AM
"The Oval Office"

INT. OVAL OFFICE Ė DAY

GEORGE BUSH looks pissed. Real pissed. He paces with purpose. His venom directed at an INTERN.

BUSH
I canít believe you did something that stupid! I just canít believe it!

The Intern doesnít flinch - he listens intently.

BUSH (CONTíD)
Iím the most powerful man in the country. Hell, Iím the most powerful man in the world! I could mess up your life like you wouldnít believe! Hell, I could have you killed? So donít you forget that, bitch! You got that? Now get out!

Geroge Bush huffs. Finally, the Intern looks at the President.

INTERN
Dick Cheney really said that to you?

Bush flops onto the couch like a scolded 9-yr old.

BUSH
(resigned)
Yeah.
(BEAT)
Least I didnít shoot anybody in the face.

CUE TITLE SEQUENCE:

The theme from NBCís ďTHE OFFICEĒ plays. As credits roll, rather than Scranton Ė itís the sights of Washington, DC.

At the end, it reads ďTHE OVAL OFFICEĒ.

END TITLE SEQUENCE.

GEORGE BUSH TALKING HEAD
------------------------

BUSH
Got a big day today. Senator John McCain stopping by. <spoken as if we donít know who he is> Heís the Republican Presidential candidate in the upcoming election. Iím guessing he wants to pick my brain on how to run an effective campaign. Get my thoughts on how things work. Donít know if Iíll give him all my secrets Ė heís gotta do a little work on his own, you know.

INT. OVAL OFFICE Ė DAY

George Bush sits at his desk. He tries various poses to make himself look important.
Just as the door opens, Bush picks up the phone.

BUSH (into phone)
Thatís right. And keep me abreast of the situation. Itís of the utmost security to our nation.

Senator JOHN MCCAIN enters. Bush points him to a chair.

BUSH (CONTíD) (into phone)
I want updates every 10 minutes. Lives are at stake.

An Operatorís voice can be faintly heard from the telephone.

VOICE (VO)
Sir, this is the White House operator. Who are you trying to reach? Sir? Sir?

Bush hangs up the phone.

MCCAIN
Thank you for agreeing to see me. I know youíre busy.

BUSH
Never too busy to see an old, dear, dear, friend.

McCain glances uncomfortably at the camera.

MCCAIN
Right. Look, uh, I wanted to talk with you about my Presidential campaign.

Bush looks into the camera and smirks.

MCCAIN (CONTíD)
What I wanted to ask isó

BUSH
You donít have to ask. Iím willing to do everything I can for your campaign. I was thinking you and I could hit the road, like them boys in that band Foghat.

McCain shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

MCCAIN
I couldnít ask you to neglect your duties for my campaign.

BUSH
Actually, my calendar is pretty clear up to November. Iíd be more than happy to hit the stops with you. Visit some VFW posts. Some military installations. You could tell some of those tiger cage stories. Man, those are hilarious.

MCCAIN
Thatís not going to happen.
BUSH
This is going to be a blast! Touring the country! The open road! We MUST make sure we hit Memphis. Have you had the barbeque down there? Thereís this place called Neeleyís.

MCCAIN
Siró

BUSH
We have to be sure to hit Denver. They got a microbrewery--

MCCAIN
Actually, I was going to ask you if you wouldnít mind keeping a low profile.

Bush is taken aback.

BUSH
How low?

MCCAIN
Basically, donít talk about the election or mention the Republican party. In fact, donít even say my name.

BUSH
Why? Howís that going to help you?

MCCAIN
The problem, sir, is, uh, that if the voters see us together theyíll compare us. And thereís, uh, no way I could ever stack up to your accomplishments and achievements.

BUSH
I guess youíre right about that. Guess Iíll have to be the strong and silent type.

MCCAIN
Yes, sir. Strong and silent. Thatís you.

John McCain stands and shakes the Presidentís hand.

BUSH
You know where to find me if you decide to hit the road!

McCain shakes his head and rolls his eyes as he exits.

GEORGE BUSH TALKING HEAD
------------------------

BUSH
That Johnís a proud man. Took a lot for him to come and ask for my help like that. He and I are a lot alike.
(beat)
We both served in ĎNam, you know.

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:09 AM
"On Day One"

FADE IN:

INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT

SUPER: Day One, 2009

BILL CLINTON sits at the large Presidential desk.

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
Ladies and gentlemen, former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.

A sly smile comes across his face.

BILL CLINTON
Hey ya'll, Iím baaaaaack! Hill' is running a bit late, so Iím gonna speak to you, my fellow Americans, for a few moments.

He looks around the Oval Office, checking out the familiar room.

BILL CLINTON (CONT'D)
Whew, itís been way too long.

Peeks under the desk.

BILL CLINTON (CONT'D)
So many memories. I spent eight years here and I plan on being here for eight more and making that many more memories. You guys ainít seen nothing yet.

HILLARY CLINTON walks over.

HILLARY CLINTON
Sorry about that Bill, but someone must have accidently left a chair in front of the bathroom door. I had to get Barack to come and unjam it for me.

BILL CLINTON
Yes...accidently. My fellow Americans, President HIllary Clinton! Iíll just go stand right over there.

Bill Clinton makes his way over, standing next to the desk. He looks over, BARACK OBAMA stands next to him.

BARACK OBAMA
(clearing throat)
A-HEM.

BILL CLINTON
Oh, sorry about that buddy.

Bill Clinton moves over even more back behind them both and Barack Obama takes Billís place standing right next to Hillary.

BARACK OBAMA
Thankís Bill.

HILLARY CLINTON
Anyway, my fellow Americans, it is an honor to be here before you as the first female President in American history. We have a lot to do, a lot of business to take care of.

She shuffles through a number of papers.

Bill struggles to remain in camera behind Barack and Hillary.

HILLARY CLINTON (CONT'D)
As you all know, childhood obesity is at an all time high. My first order of business is to officially change the core makeup of little girls. No longer will sugar and spice be acceptable, and instead it will be replaced with soy and tofu. Together, we can build a better future for our children. Research is still being performed to discover the true effects of slugs, snails and puppy dog tails in little boys.

Barack and Bill stare at Hillary in shock. Hillary looks up to them both.

BARACK OBAMA
A joke, a joke. What she means is that the time for change is now. Hope is now a reality, and change is just around the corner. As long as we all hope for change, we can all build a better , more hopeful, tomorrow.

A FEMALE INTERN walks over.

Bill smiles, looks her up and down

FEMALE INTERN
President Clinton, you have a call on line one. Itís an emergency.

HILLARY CLINTON
Oh goodness, thank you for letting me know!

The female intern walks out. Bill, slowly and carefully, makes his way out right behind her.

Hillary picks up the phone.

HILLARY CLINTON (CONT'D)
Hello? Hello? No one is there.

BARACK OBAMA
Press pound, then line one.

She does as Barack says.

HILLARY CLINTON
I tried that.

She continues to press the buttons on the phone.

HILLARY CLINTON (CONT'D)
Ugh, darn, I think I hung up on them.

Barack rolls his eyes.

HILLARY CLINTON (CONT'D)
If itís important, maybe theyíll call back.

Hillary and Barack laugh a devilish laugh.

FADE OUT:

THE END

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:10 AM
"For Derek"

EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT, DC - DAY

On Jeffrey DAHMER, longingly gazing up at the phallic obelisk before him.

CAPTION: JEFF

DAHMER
... when people stop being polite...

EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT, DC - DAY

Looking up at the phallic monument with disgust, a gnarly-toothed sneer spread across her blotchy face: AILEEN WOURNOS.

CAPTION: AILEEN

WUORNOS
... and start being real.

She hawks up a huge loogie, spits it out.

TITLE CARD: THE REAL WORLD, DC

INT. CONFESSION BOOTH - DAY

On a DOG (1000). Sad eyes, moping posture.

DOG
Berkowitz, yeah... I mean, I miss him. We had some good talks, you know? He really ďgotĒ me.
(beat)
He was a good listener.

INT. REAL WORLD HOUSE, DC - LIVING ROOM - DAY

On Aileenís face, contorted in anger.

WUORNOS
House meetiní!!

INT. REAL WORLD HOUSE, DC - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Panning around the living room, on each of the remaining roomies. BUNDY, a bottle of wine and two crystal glasses in hand. GACY, in full clown regalia. LUCAS, being Lucas. GEIN chews the skin around his thumbnail. DAHMER chews the skin around Geinís other thumb nail.

WUORNOS
Now, you sons of bitches know I ainít one for no kinda political--

BUNDY
Can you get to the point? I got a date. Little brunette. Intern.

He gets up, starts looking around the room.

WUORNOS
The point-- the god damn point is... I know I ainít kill the fat bastard, and I ainít gonna clean up after your god damn messes no more.

BUNDY
Anyone seen my picnic basket?

Gein snatches his hand from Dahmer, jumps up.

DAHMER
(catty, to Gein)
Hey, you!

Gein starts rooting around in front closet.

GEIN
I made some alterations.

He takes the picnic basket from the closet. Itís now covered in human skin.

GEIN (CONTíD)
I made it nice.

INT. REAL WORLD HOUSE, DC - KITCHEN - DAY

On Berkowitzís stinking, rotting corpse. His shirt removed. Patches of flesh cut from his back. His left ribs removed.

The roommates are looking down at him.

GEIN
I didnít kill him though. It werenít me. I just took it after, for the basket.

The dog sniffs at the body.

Dahmer takes a bottle of barbecue sauce from the fridge.

DAHMER
I just made some ribs...

Lucas rubs his belly.

LUCAS
Mmm... ribs.

WUORNOS
Look, someone needs to pick this **** up. If none of yíall sons of bitches got the...
(grabs her crotch)
... balls to Ďfess up, I say we put it to a vote.

GACY
A... a, a... vote?

WUORNOS
Yeah, a ****iní vote. Each one of us take a piece of paper and write who you think the man was that done it.

BUNDY
Hmmm. That sounds fair.

All of the guys nod in agreement.

INT. REAL WORLD HOUSE, DC - KITCHEN - DAY

On Aileen, on hands and knees. A hacksaw on the floor. Garbage bag nearby, along with a couple of sponges and a bottle of 409.

Beyond grumpy, she mutters under her breath as she SAWS Berkowitzís body in half at the waist.

Her eyes light up. She reaches into the back pocket of Berkowitzís jeans, removes his wallet.

Licks her lips, opens the wallet to reveal: A dry cleaning bill. An expired condom.

And no cash.

WUORNOS
(disgusted)
Figures... ****in' men.

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:11 AM
"Principle's Office"

INT - PRINCIPALíS OFFICE, VALLEY VIEW HIGH Ė DAY

Carla (17) walks into the office with a pleased look on her face. PRINCIPAL TUTTLE (50ís) is seated behind a metal and Formica desk. He has pictures of his wife and kids on his desk. His kids are clearly high school age.

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE
Carla, please, come on in and have a seat.
Principal Tuttle motions for the chair, which Carla has already taken.

CARLA
Principal Tuttle, I am sure I know why youíve asked me here today. And if itís about those campaign posters in the freshman hall...

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE
Well, actually Carla, this is a bit more a serious matter. It has come to my attention that you were involved in a party with alcohol this weekend? Is this true?

Carla fidgets slightly.

CARLA
Sir I can explain. I was just there because Marty called me for a ride home and when I got there he wasnít waiting for me outside like we had agreed so I had to go in and get him.

FLASHBACK - HOUSE PARTY - NIGHT

Carla drives up to a thumping house party and is looking around for Marty.

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE (V.O.)
Carla, you were cited with a MIP. Thatís Minor In Possession. Of alcohol.

CARLA (V.O.)
I know sir, but I wasnít drinking.
Carla hesitantly walks through the front door of the party. Kids are dancing and making out in corners, taking shots of liquor in groups and playing flippy cup. No one pays any attention to her as she glances around.

PRESENT - PRINCIPALíS OFFICE - DAY

Principal Tuttle puts his hand up.

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE
That is no matter. The law has spoken. You will have to fight the charges with a judge. As for the class officer elections, we canít have trouble makers like you representing our student body. Weíve got to have principleís.


CARLA
But, I wasnít the only one there!

FLASHBACK - HOUSE PARTY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Carla sees MARTY (16) sloppily making out with the PRINCIPALíS DAUGHTER (17). She grabs the beer from him and pulls him away. Cops come pounding through the front door. The partygoers, Marty included, scatter out of the house through side and back doors. Carla freezes in a panic. The cops walk up to her and slap on the cuffs.

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE (V.O.)
But you are the only one that got caught. Yes, I know how that works.

PRESENT - PRINCIPALíS OFFICE Ė DAY

CARLA
But sir, with all due respect, you have to let me run for office. I am an honor student. I volunteer my free time to tutor less-fortunate students. I am in the choir for goodness sakes. I have worked very hard for this!

Carla puts her head in her hands.

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE
I have made my decision. My daughter will take your nomination spot.

CARLA
What? This is so not fair. Youíre daughter was at that party and she was wasted and making our with my brother!

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE
Carla, you better watch with the name calling here. You have no proof.

CARLA
You know, I donít want to be a representative of this communist school anyway.

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE
I wonít have talk like that in this office. You are dismissed.

Carla stands up in a huff.

PRINCIPAL TUTTLE (CONTíD)
All of your campaign posters and paraphernalia will be removed from campus by the end of the day.

Carla storms out of the office. She pauses at the door.

CARLA
Principal Tuttle, I hate you.

Carla slams the door. Principal Tuttle reaches down into his right side file drawers and pulls out a paper cup and flask and pours a shot. He drinks back heavily and sighs.

FADE OUT

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:12 AM
"An Inconvenient Lunacy"

INT. LOBBY IN AL GOREíS MANSION - DAY

Presidential candidate, Barack Obama, sits alone in a lobby reading the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. He turns the magazine vertically to get a better view of the full page photo.

OBAMA
Wow.

An ASSISTANT walks into the lobby and clears her throat to make her presence known. Obama quickly puts the magazine down.

ASSISTANT
Mr. Gore will see you now.

INT. AL GOREíS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

AL GORE, dressed in camouflage pants, a Hawaiian shirt, and sporting a ZZ Top-esque beard, sits at his desk playing Sudoku and drinking a red bull.
Obama walks into the office looks taken aback by Goreís appearance.

OBAMA
Al?

GORE
Barack! Great to see you, címon in.

Obama walks up to Goreís desk, reaches across, and shakes hands. They both sit down. Gore strokes his long beard and looks down at his Sudoku worksheet

GORE (CONTíD)
F*ckiní Sudoku, you ever play this sh*t?

Obama does a double take.

OBAMA
Yeah, once in a while.

GORE
Anyway, whatís going on? I havenít talked to you in months.

OBAMA
Well, Iíll cut to the chase, Al. As you know, Iím running for President and Iíd like you to be my vice--

GORE
--Whoa, what did you say??

OBAMA
Uh, Iím running for president.

GORE
Are you serious?

OBAMA
You didnít know?

GORE
You know...other than the Food Network and BET, I donít really watch much TV.

Gore drinks from the Red Bull on his desk.

OBAMA
What about the Interne--

Before Obama can finish the word ďInternetĒ, Gore slams his Red Bull on the desk and points at Obama

GORE
Donít say it!

OBAMA
What?

GORE
The ďiĒ word!

OBAMA
You mean Inter--

Gore reaches across the desk and slaps Obama. Obama grabs his face and is shell shocked.

GORE
Sorry, Barrack, itís those bastards at AT&T.

Obama looks uncomfortable. Gore stands up and walks towards a mini-fridge in the office.

GORE (CONTíD)
Those a**holes expect me, Al Mother F*ckiní Gore, to pay for Internet service!

Obama sits in shock and silence.

GORE (CONTíD)
I invented the God Damned Internet!

Obama looks at his watch and stands up.

GORE (CONTíD)
Thatís like making a hooker pay for sex!

OBAMA
You know, I really should...

Gore looks at Obama furiously.

GORE
Sit down, Obama!

Scared of crazy Gore, Obama sits down. Gore opens up his mini fridge and pulls out a Red Bull.

GORE (CONTíD)
Red Bull?

OBAMA
Um...no, Iím okay.

Gore opens the Red Bull, and his beard brushes against the top of the Red Bull can. Al wipes it off with his shirt and then puts it in front of Obama, and sits down again.

GORE
If a man serves as Vice President for eight years, invents the greatest form of media known to man, and wins the freakiní Nobel Peace Prize, donít you think he should get free high speed Internet service?

OBAMA
Um...yeah, I suppose so.

GORE
Anyway, enough about me. What can I do for you?

OBAMA
I just came to say hi, and actually I should probably get--

GORE
--Oh! I gotta show you something Iím working on!
Gore jumps up from his chair.

GORE (CONTíD)
Come here.

Obama follows Gore to the wide screen TV on the wall and a DVD player on the shelf.

GORE (CONTíD)
Itís my new invention--Other than Tipper and John Tesh, youíre the only person to see this.

Gore picks up a DVD and holds it in front of Obama

OBAMA
A DVD?

GORE
Not just any DVD, my friend. Itís a high definition DVD.

OBAMA
Uh...You invented that?

GORE
Well, Iím still prototyping.

OBAMA
But...they already--

GORE
I think Iíll call it something cool, like Blu-Ray.

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:13 AM
"Not on Our Watch!"

EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY

The sun rises over amber waves of grain. A green John Deere tractor is harvesting all of the bounty of a typical American farm.

MANLY VOICE (V.O.)
It's morning in America. And your Conservative Mouthpieces are protecting you from the Liberals that want to rape your dreams and enslave anyone that believes anything different from Evangelical teachings.

INT. BUSY OFFICE - DAY

In a black leather chair, RUSH LIMBAUGH (40-ish), spins around smoking an expensive cigar. He has a huge American flag behind him and is wearing an expensive suit.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
(directly to camera)
I'm here to stick it to the Liberals that want to push drugs onto your families and let drug addicts run free. Drug pushers living normal, prosperous lives? Not on my watch!

A NURSE (20's) walks in carrying a syringe. She sheepishly speaks to Limbaugh.

NURSE
Mr. Limbaugh, your shot of Oxycottin is ready.

Rush turns around

RUSH
Not right now, I'm filming a PSA. Oh! And make sure they don't water it down. I can still hear out of my left ear.
(to the camera)
I'm also making sure that the institution of marraige is protected from the Libs by endorsing the constitutional amendment to define marraige as a union between one man and one woman.

-BEEP- Rush's office phone starts blinking red. A PERSONAL ASSISTANT speaks through the speaker phone.

PERSONAL ASSISTANT (O.S.)
Mr. Limbaugh, good news, your third ex wife signed the papers. You are a free man.

Rush hits the speaker button.

RUSH
Hold my calls! I'm filming a PSA!

INT- FOX NEWS SET - DAY

BILL O'REILLY is sitting behind his desk while there is a flurry of activity all around him. There are people adjusting lights and powdering his face.

BILL O'REILLY
Hi, I'm Bill O'Reilly. I'm here to make sure the tax and spend liberals running the major media companies are accountable for their bad behavior. An employer exploiting the hard working men and women of America? Not on my watch!

A Production Assistant walks wearing all black and wearing a clipboard

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Mr. O'Reilly, your secretary has settled out of court with your sexual harrassment case. News Corp. Inc. is going to pay the five million dollars as a thank you for your years of service.

BILL
Not right now! I'm filming a PSA!

INT - AIRPORT BATHROOM

SENATOR LARRY CRAIG is washing his hands at a long row of white sinks. He looks up at the camera.

LARRY CRAIG
Hi there, I'm Senator Larry Craig, from Idaho. Me and my fellow Republican Congressman are protecting your family from the liberal homosexuals who are trying to impose their way of life on you and your families by asking for equal protection under the law. Homos running this country? Not on my watch!

A YOUNG MAN (20's) pokes his head out of a bathroom stall.

YOUNG MAN
Hey, stranger. Are we going to do this? I forgot your name already.

Senator Craig looks back and holds up a finger.

LARRY CRAIG
Give me one second. I'm filming a PSA.

EXT. BOAT DOCK - EVENING

The sun is setting on a couple of silhouetted fishermen bringing in their nets. Their boats are worn and well used.

MANLY VOICE (V.O.)
America can rest easy knowing that the conservatives are out there protecting their rights. Liberals with their loose morals and hypocracy taking over? Not on our watch!

dpaterso
04-03-2008, 10:14 AM
"Midday News On FNN With Former Lovers Felicia and William"

INT. FNN NEWS STATION - NIGHT

FELICIA and WILLIAM read the news at a slick news desk in the
slick newsroom. A giant LCD SCREEN shows a splashy FNN intro
behind them.

FELICIA
Good afternoon, I'm Felicia Fields.

WILLIAM
I'm William Baratone, Jr. Welcome to
Midday. Later, a breakthrough in the on
going study for the purpose of man
nipples and a rapper caught on video
using the full "ing" suffix. But first,
today's headlines.

On LCD: A picture of an affable white guy looking forlorn at
his confused black friend.

FELICIA
A brief celebration broke out in the
break room today when Hillary and Obama
supporters agreed on key political ideas.
But things quickly soured when the white
guy messed up the fancy handshake with
his new black friend. The white guy
apologized profusely but both men agreed
to just shake hands like normal people
from now on.

Dora the Explorer with a scowl, holding an AMNESTY NOW picket
sign. Her monkey friend, Boots, flicking us off.

WILLIAM
The crackdown on illegal immigrants is
threatening the new season of Dora the
Explorer. When asked to comment, the
Explorer sang, "I'm going to be living
out of my backpack, backpack. YEAH!" Then
a blue monkey threw a boot at our
cameraman Gus.

FELICIA
Our kids love that show.

WILLIAM
(mutters)
They're not my kids.

FELICIA
(mutters)
They look just like you, you prick.

A cavity creep in handcuffs, trailed by a London cop.

WILLIAM
London authorities were all smiles today
as they trumpeted the arrest of a high
ranking member of the cavity creeps.
Authorities hope this is the beginning of
eradicating the London cavity creep
sleeper cells, which are believed to be
the largest on earth.

A heard of hippos trampling the game Hungry Hungry Hippos.

FELICIA
A protest in the jungles of Africa made
news today when a group of hippopotamuses
threatened to boycott the game Hungry
Hungry Hippos over the lack of a rainbow
colored hippo. When asked why they wanted
rainbow colored hippos, the heard
responded, "Because we're fabulous!"

Two teenage boys high fiving.

WILLIAM
Two more female teachers in Tampa,
Florida are in custody today, accused of
having sex with their teenaged students.
And this just in, the school attendance
rate for teenage boys in Tampa, Florida
is 100%.

Papa Smurf in a casket, resting in peace.

FELICIA
The world continues to mourn the loss of
beloved Papa Smurf who choked on a Smurf
Berry at a Smurf banquet. Asked why no
Smurf helped Papa Smurf, Brainy Smurf
replied "We couldn't smurfing tell he was
smurfing choking. We're smurfing blue!"

WILLIAM
The effects of Hurricane Katrina are
still being felt today, and by more than
just the human residents of New Orleans.
We now take you live to our Political
Rights For Animals correspondent, Sue
Jones, who is visiting the still
recovering city. Sue?

CUT TO:

RUNDOWN NEW ORLEANS NEIGHBORHOOD. SUE, bushy-haired, wearing a
"Meat Is Murder" t-shirt, glowers at the camera.

SUE
George Bush does not care about Black
Carpet Beetles.

Pan to MIKE MEYERS looking confused and lost.

BACK TO THE NEWSROOM: A picture of John McCain on the LCD.

FELICIA
In other political news, John McCain says
opponents who point to his age and health
as a negative when it comes to leading
America, need to remember that when he
was a boy, he used to toss horseshoes
with John Adams and Thomas Jefferson five
times a fortnight. So he's in good shape.

WILLIAM
And finally, with home paternity tests
becoming easily accessible, concerned
partners can have their test results
almost instantly.

Picture of two kids over the caption "Who's Your Daddy?"

Felicia is surprised to see Maury Povich enter. Maury opens an
envelope, reads...

MAURY
William... You ARE the father of
Felicia's children.

Felicia jumps up, pumps her fist, does a dance.

FELICIA
What I tell you? What did I...

Felicia and Maury look at Williams' seat. He's gone. The seat
spins. A car burns rubber in the background.

FELICIA (CONT'D)
When Midday returns, do white sheep think
all black sheep look alike? We'll have
the answer after this.

The end.