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View Full Version : March Madness Entries . . . (adult content)


Jcorona
03-15-2009, 07:33 AM
For you, Adam.

Corona :love:
_______________________

List of contest entries:

Coming To A Shelf Near You
The Ladies Room
Chuck and Julio Save the Environment
The Test
The Dream Job
Hot
Fish Tails
Abruptly...
Heroes
Unrelated
No Man Left Behind!
Perfect Wife

Check out the last post in this thread for list of authors.

Jcorona
03-15-2009, 07:34 AM
Coming To A Shelf Near You


INT. OFFICE - DAY

Business Exec, Alan Clark, sits at his desk working on a
laptop.

INTERCOM BEEP

SECRETARY (O.S.)
Mr. Clark, Jim and Bob are here for your two o’ clock.


ALAN
Thanks, Janet, send them in.

Jim and Bob, 30-ish and dressed in suits walk into the office.
Jim carries a small brown bag and Bob carries a briefcase.
Alan closes his laptop, stands up and reaches across the
desk to shake their hands.

ALAN (CONT’D)
Gentlemen, great to finally meet
you.


JIM
Likewise, Alan.

The three of them sit down, with Jim and Bob
across from Alan on the other side of the desk.

Jim and Bob are giddy with excitement and don’t hide it too well.


ALAN
Well, I’ll cut right to the chase, I’ve heard a lot of buzz about
your product. One of my junior execs even called revolutionary.

JIM
That it is, Alan, that it is.

ALAN
Well, let’s see it!


Jim looks at Bob, Bob clumsily opens his briefcase, removes a bowl
from it and places it on the desk. Jim then empties the contents off
his brown bag into the bowl. It’s popcorn. Alan looks at the popcorn
and then at Jim and Bob with a curious smile.


JIM
Try it.

BOB
Yeah, try it!

Alan crinkles his brow, reaches for the popcorn. Crunch, crunch.
He licks his lips and looks up at Jim and Bob.

ALAN
God damn, that’s delicious! The best popcorn I’ve ever had.

JIM
Poopcorn.

ALAN
Excuse me?

BOB
It’s poopcorn.

ALAN
Poop...corn?

JIM AND BOB
(TOGETHER)
Poopcorn.

ALAN
I...don’t understand.

JIM
Are you familiar with Kopi Luwak?

Alan stares blankly at Jim.

BOB
It’s the most expensive coffee in
the world.

ALAN
Oh...is that where rats eat coffee beans and crap them out whole?

BOB
It’s actually a weasel like animal called a civet.

JIM
And those coffee beans sell for nearly six hundred dollars a pound.

Alan looks disturbed.

ALAN
Are you saying this popcorn-

BOB
--Poopcorn.

ALAN
--this poopcorn has passed through
a weasel?

JIM
No, don’t be silly.

Alan sighs in relief.

JIM (CONT’D)
We use humans

ALAN
What?

BOB
C’mon Alan, be practical. Weasels can only eat a handful of corn
kernels in a day. Humans, on the other hand, can eat a couple pounds.

ALAN
So, you collect undigested corn from human feces and make popcorn
out of it?

BOB
Poopcorn, Alan. Work with us here.

ALAN
Who’s going to eat pounds of corn and then let you sift
through their...poop?

Jim turns to Bob and gives him a look that suggests he’s
about to say the most ingenious thing in the world.

JIM
Homeless people.

Alan gags a bit and grabs a piece of paper off his desk to wipe
his tongue with. He’s completely grossed out and pissed off.

ALAN
Get out!

Alan points to the door.

JIM
Alan, I thought we had something
here.

Jim makes hand gestures indicating they “had something.”

ALAN
I’m the Vice President for the second largest snack food
company in the U.S. and this is--

JIM
--Exactly why you should be listening to us. The product is
delicious, the overhead costs are low, and the projected profit
margin is over five hundred percent.

ALAN
Five hundred percent?

Bob hands Alan a document with a graph and numbers. Alan
studies it for a second.

BOB
As you can see, we’ve done our homework.

ALAN
Why are labor costs so low?

JIM
Because homeless people work for free corn and cheap booze.

Alan sets the paper on the desk and shakes his head no.

ALAN
This is absurd, who’s gonna
actually buy poopcorn?

BOB
I’m glad you asked. We recognize the marketing issues we’d have
in America. But overseas, this ****, no pun intended, will sell
like hotcakes.

JIM
In fact, there’s a company in Indonesia already running with this idea.

BOB
But they haven’t tapped into their homeless population, so that’s
where we got the edge.

Alan, starting to come around, rubs his chin.

ALAN
We have been wanting to get into the overseas market for a while.

JIM
It’s a win-win situation, Alan.

Alan sighs and nods his head slightly.

ALAN
Call me crazy, but this might just work.

BOB
And after we roll this out, you’re gonna love our next idea.

JIM
Cheezetos.

Alan looks confused

BOB
Made from real toe cheese.

Jcorona
03-15-2009, 07:37 AM
The Ladies Room (1 of 2)


INT. DD CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A packed house...UNO, revolutionary wannabe, slams the gavel.

UNO
Okay, Ladies...let's get down to
business.

An argument breaks out at the other end of the conference table.

SC BELLA
What the hell do you know?

NYNY
Litigation is the answer. And I
have the court documents to prove
it.

SC BELLA
Castration is the answer. And I
have the machete to prove it.

LIMONA
What's NYNY doing here?

UNO
We love the gays.

NYNY
(to SC Bella)
No need to get so bitchy...

She reaches for his throat. NYNY gasps, splashes a Vodka tonic with a twist on her face.

UNO
At least it wasn't red wine.

TINAPOOH
We should meditate, cleanse
ourselves from this angry
environment. Hmmmm...Hmmmm...

LIMONA
What is Ratan-Pat doing here?

RATAN-PAT
I don't need to disclose my gender
to talk about women's issues.

WRITER-LEE
Let's tear off his/her pants and
see if he/she has a schlong.

RATAN-PAT
You all wouldn't be in this mess if
you'd flash your boobs more often.
At least show some cleavage,
dammit.

Collective MOAN...
NYNY
They're just jealous of Scriptgirl.

SCBELLA
(to NY)
You open your mouth one more
time, I'm gonna slap that
surgically-altered face of yours
back to a la natural.

LIMONA
Why is that big-lipped
hermaphrodite walking the hallway?

UNO
Double agent trying to infiltrate
The Ladies Room.

LIMONA
That is one butt-ugly
hermaphrodite.

TINAPOOH
Hermaphrodites are people, too.
We should be nice.

NIC-NIC
Anyone who plays with themselves
that much should be barred from
any public assembly.

UNO
Don't worry. We have security.

Uno points to the picture window. A bear of a man, draped in military fatigues, armed with an AK-47, strolls back and forth.

SC BELLA
Not Code 77!

UNO
Any man who doesn't use the "C"
word can be trusted.

SC BELLA
No man can ever be trusted.
Especially him!

TINAPOOH
Men are people, too.

A tampon shoots through the air; stabs Tinapooh in the eye.

TINAPOOH
Ouch! Doesn't anyone use pads
anymore?

NIC-NIC
This meeting isn't going anywhere.
If this keeps up, I'm going to have
to move it to down to the
basement...to One-on-One.

LADIES
NO!

UNO
Please, Nic-Nic, give us another
chance. It's just that the Men's
Room is next door and they're very
disruptive.

LIMONA
Smelly, too.

TINAPOOH
(reaches inside her purse)
I've got some deodorizer...

PSSSSS...Limona snatches the tiny can.

LIMONA
This is feminine spray, Tinapooh.

RATAN-PAT
(sniff, sniff)
A familiar, lovely, floral scent.

LADIES
EEEEW!

CONT'D

Jcorona
03-15-2009, 07:39 AM
The Ladies Room (2 of 2)


BANG! BANG! BANG! Drywall chunks topple to the floor.

WRITER-LEE
It's the Men's Room! They're trying
to break in!

UNO
(into walkie-talkie)
Code 77, Code 77...this is Mary
Poppins. Do you read?

CODE 77 (V.O.)
Roger that, Mary Poppins. The
store ran out of Pamprin but I
got some Prozac for SC Bella's
personality disorder.

SC BELLA
A$$hole!

UNO
Roger that, Code 77. We have
infiltration. Repeat. We have
infiltration.

CODE 77 (V.O.)
Bout time, Mary Poppins. Shake
those cobwebs loose.

UNO
No, Code 77. Men's Room
infiltration. We have a security
breach!

CODE 77
Roger that, Mary Poppins. On my
way.

Beyond gaping holes, dark shadows, glowing eyes rustle...

LIMONA
They look like flesh-eating
zombies.

NIC-NIC
It's no wonder. They've been
locked up in the Men's Room
for a week with some homeless
guy and a dead hooker.

TINAPOOH
Zombies are people, too.

Hundreds of tampons fly through the air. Tinapooh dives for cover underneath the conference table.

Code 77 crashes through the door.

CODE 77
Ladies, step away from the
Zombies.

Code 77 sprays machine gun fire...what's left of the wall topples to the ground. Dust particles dance in the air...COUGH. COUGH.

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK.

CODE 77
Damn those liberals screwing with
my ammo.

A Men's Room ZOMBIE grabs Code 77's throat, chews on his ear...The other Zombies join in, shred Code 77 to pieces.

NYNY confronts the zombies, hands over a subpoena. Zombies chew on his gravity-defying, surgically-altered bootie.

SC BELLA jumps up and down with joy.

The Ladies huddle...Men's Room Zombies head towards them.

RATAN-PAT
Are you people finally going to
listen to me?

The Zombies inch closer...lick their rotting lips, scratch their nasty butts.

The Ladies looks at each other, silently agree.

Zombies shuffle only a few feet away; they claw the air (when they're not clawing their butts).

NIC-NIC
Okay Ladies, Ready?

They nod to each other, unbutton, then tear off their blouses... Nothing. Zombies keep coming.

LIMONA
The bra's got to go, too.

Off they go...Mammaries are fully exposed to the elements.

The Zombies stop in their tracks, smile, hypnotized... GRUNT. GRUNT. GRUNT.

WRITER-LEE
You think Zombie schlongs are
bigger than human schlongs? Cause
it sure looks like it.

LIMONA
Horny Zombies. Now I can say I've
seen it all.

Ratan-Pat joins the Zombies...GRUNT. GRUNT. GRUNT.

Nic-Nic snatches a bottle of vodka, pours its yummy elixir over zombied Zombies.

UNO
What a waste of good Stoly.

Limona lights a match, tosses it at the aroused undead.

EXPLODE!

UNO
Let's go, ladies...I'm buying the
first round.

They head out...

LIMONA
Boobs rule.

FADE OUT

Jcorona
03-17-2009, 01:24 AM
Chuck and Julio Save the Environment


INT. SMOKY ROOM - NIGHT

CHUCK (18) blows out a big cloud of smoke then he coughs until he turns red in the face. JULIO (18) laughs. Some trippy music plays in the background.

Yes, of course, they're stoned.

JULIO
You have such big lungs!

Chuck is still coughing. Julio seems a bit worried.

JULIO
You ain't gonna cough them out,
man?

CHUCK
(laughing)
No.

JULIO
'Cause I don't wanna have to
clean them off the carpet. That
would be really uncool, man.

CHUCK
If I chuck up my lungs, I'll
clean it up, I promise.

JULIO
You say that now, but I live with
you and I know about your
promises. When was the last time
you did the dishes?

CHUCK
Dishes?

JULIO
You know round things? You put
food on them?

CHUCK
I don't have to do them, I just
throw them away.

JULIO
You throw them away? Man, you
know how much those things cost?

CHUCK
They're disposable!

JULIO
They're expensive!

CHUCK
They're paper! You can't wash
them, they'd turn to pulp.

Julio thinks about this for a moment.

JULIO
Okay. What about the glasses?!

CHUCK
What about them?

JULIO
They're dirty.

CHUCK
They're plastic.

JULIO
You can wash plastic but you
don't, do you?

CHUCK
No. I throw away the plastic
because I want to do what I can
for the environment.

JULIO
Now wait just a minute, man! I
might not be the smartest guy on
the planet...

CHUCK
Correct.

Julio gives him a dirty look.

JULIO
...but how's wasting plastic
going to help the environment?

CHUCK
Petroleum.

JULIO
What's gas got to do with it?

CHUCK
The plastic's made from it.

JULIO
The plastic's made from gas?

CHUCK
That's right.

JULIO
How!?

CHUCK
A complicated process that starts
with catalytic cracking to break
out hydrocarbons from the raw
petroleum, then they mix together
different solutions of those
hydrocarbons to make polymer
bonds that are the raw
materials...

JULIO
What the **** are you talking
about?

CHUCK
Chemistry.

JULIO
Well, don't do that, man! I don't
like it.

CHUCK
Okay. Okay. But the point is that
if you want to save the planet
then it's very clear that you
have to waste plastic.

Julio looks confused.

JULIO
I think I need another toke.

Chuck hands Julio the bong.

CHUCK
It's filled...You know, tens of
millions of barrels of oil go
into making plastic each year.

Julio blows out a big cloud of smoke.

CHUCK
So, the more plastic we use the
quicker our oil reserves get used
up.

JULIO
(like he might cough)
But using up the last of anything
doesn't seem right, man. Like how
would you like it if I ate the
last Twinkie?

CHUCK
Don't be messing with the last
Twinkie!

JULIO
It's just a Twinkie, man, we can
replace it. Okay, one of us
would have to make a trip to the
store but...we can't replace oil.
How would you like it if took the
last of your oil?

Chuck has a faraway look.

JULIO
Hey, man? You there?

Julio snaps his fingers in front of Chuck's face.

CHUCK
Is there really a Twinkie?

JULIO
Think so.

CHUCK
I'm gonna go get it.

Chuck stands.

JULIO
Bring me one.

Chuck sits.

CHUCK
There's more than one Twinkie?
You said there was only one.

JULIO
To advocate you, man.

Chuck looks at him, confused.

JULIO
You know, like the devil would.

CHUCK
Ah!

They sit in silence for a moment. Julio fills the bong and passes it to Chuck. Chuck takes a big draw and blows out a billow of smoke.

JULIO
You gonna go get that Twinkie?

He coughs up his words.

CHUCK
I'm too stoned.

JULIO
Then finish your story.

CHUCK
What story?

JULIO
The plastic one.

CHUCK
I forgot how it ends.

JULIO
Without oil.

CHUCK
That's sad. No more cars.

JULIO
I read somewhere that they can
run a car on hemp.

CHUCK
Wow. That's impressive...

Julio beams.

CHUCK
...you read something.

JULIO
You're a bastard.

CHUCK
I'm kidding...I read that too. It
would be very cool to drive a car
that runs on grass.

JULIO
Use grass, not gas!

CHUCK
Hey! That's catchy.

JULIO
You think so?

CHUCK
Yeah, I wonder if we could sell
it to the greens. It's worth at
least a z....Use grass, not gas!

They both seem lost in the dream as they chant the slogan and pass the bong.

THE END

Jcorona
03-17-2009, 11:38 AM
THE TEST


FADE IN:

EXT. BAR - NIGHT

The kind of dive you'd want to leave the moment you stepped
inside, 'cause you got sense.


INT. BAR - NIGHT

Populated by NAZI BIKERS who'd slit your throat just for fun.

Biker conversation consists of acting out violent moves,
like "Here's how I punched him in the nuts" and "Here's how
I shot him in the head" -- they howl with laughter as they
slap each other's backs and smash beer bottles over each
other's heads.

The door opens and TURK enters. Conversation stops, the
Bikers stare at him. Turk looks like one of them, with the
leathers and the black Kraut helmet. But the Bikers glance
at each other, suspicious.

Turk cool-struts up to the bar. The big, ugly, scar-faced
BARKEEP leans forward menacingly.

TURK
H-hello. May I have a beer, please?

PIGFACE NAZI BIKER
It's a cop!

TURK
No I'm not! I'm not a cop! I'm a
biker!

A gold badge clatters on the floor between Turk's feet.

TURK
That's not mine.

Like a wall of leather, Nazi Bikers slowly rise and advance
on Turk. Turk frantically looks around -- the exit's already
blocked. The Barkeep picks up a baseball bat with six-inch
nails driven through it and grins as he taps it against his
own palm in anticipation, drawing blood. The Bikers wield
lengths of heavy chain, big hunting knives, broken bottles.

Turk turns and runs into the men's room, whose symbol is a
biker pissing on a whore lying on her back. The door slams
shut behind him. The Nazi Bikers stop. They look at each
other. They smile.


INT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Turk stands panting, expecting the door to burst open. It
doesn't.

Turk looks around, sees a high window. He jumps up, grabs
the window ledge and tries to pull himself up. His boots
fail to find purchase. He lets go and drops, defeated.

He backs away the length of the room, and takes a run at the
wall. He leaps! He grabs! His legs "run" against the wall
as he tries to push himself higher. Nope, can't make it.
He lets go and drops, exhausted.

Turk talks into his jacket sleeve (he's wired).

TURK
Wild Turkey to Cougar's Lair. The
Turkey is blown. Repeat, the Turkey
is blown. Request extraction. Come
in, over. Is anyone there? Hello?
This is Wild Turkey. I'm trapped in
the men's room. Mayday, mayday.

Turk sticks fingers up his sleeve and pulls out a microphone
bud and a length of wire -- the wire is broken, exposing
copper. Turk's eyes widen. He's out of radio contact!

A toilet flushes. Turk slowly looks round. One of the stall
doors is closed. Inside the stall, a giant shadow moves.
Leather pants are pulled up. Enormous biker boots are visible
under the door. A nude slut magazine falls to the floor,
making a squelching noise.

Turk looks up. A Nazi helmet sticks up above the door.
Whoever's in there is frakkin gigantic.

The door opens. The King Kong of Nazi Bikers steps out,
buckling his pants. Turk backs into the corner, terrified.
King Kong Biker grins at him.

KING KONG BIKER
Hey, what am I doing?

He unbuckles and opens his pants. Turk stares in horror at
King Kong Biker's crotch.

KING KONG BIKER
We can do this the easy way, or the
hard way. The easy way is, you bend
over and I make you my bitch.

TURK
What's the hard way?

KING KONG BIKER
You don't bend over.

TURK
Oh God.

A giant hand slowly closes around Turk's head and drags him
out of shot.


INT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Looking at the closed stall door. Shadows move inside.
Rhythmic pounding. Grunting noises. Whimpering noises.


EXT. BAR - NIGHT

Cop cars fill the street. Dozens of COPS cheer and clap as
Turk staggers out of the bar, looking like a guy who just
got turned inside-out by industrial drilling machinery.

VARIOUS COPS SHOUTING
Here's our boy!
He passed the test!
They did him good!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Whoo-hoo!
You're one of us now!

A grinning Cop holds up a pair of wire cutters and mimicks
cutting.

TURK
Son of a bitch! You cut my radio
wire!

WISE SERGEANT COP moves to stand before Turk. He puts his
hand on Turk's shoulder.

WISE SERGEANT COP
Son, a rookie cop has to learn to
stand alone and overcome his fears.
Now you fear nothing and no one.

Turk's head slowly comes up. The "look of manhood" shines
in his eyes. He is forever changed.

TURK
That is true.

The cheering Cops surround Turk, clapping him on the back.


EXT. CITY VISTA - NIGHT

A million lights twinkle with possibility.

FADE OUT:

Jcorona
03-18-2009, 01:35 AM
*

Jcorona
03-18-2009, 07:12 AM
The Dream Job (1 of 3)


INT. JUST OUTSIDE THE MEN’S ROOM – TIME UNKNOWN

ROB, 32, stands near a drinking fountain. He’s the typical office stud.

ROB (V.O.)
Ever wish you had the type of life…

A BEAUTIFUL REDHEAD walks by. Tight fitting dress. Low cut blouse. Can’t be more than 24.

ROB (V.O.)
…where you could do or say anything
you wanted? Where everything just
went…perfectly?

She bends over and drinks from an adjacent fountain.

ROB (V.O.)
Welcome to my world.

Rob GOOSES the redhead. SLAPS her ass. She coos like a baby and MELTS at the sight of him.

INT. ROB’S CUBICLE – LATER

Rob pops open a BEER. Watches the Pam and Tommy SEX TAPE on his computer. Farts loudly. DERRICK, not cool at all, peeks his head over Rob’s cubicle. Whispers.

DERRICK
Rob. Boss wants to see you.

Rob exhales loudly and PULLS A GIRL out from under his desk. Stands up. Zips up. Hands her a $5 bill. Rob is the ****.

INT. BOSS’ OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER.

THE BOSS, late 50s is a high class CEO. Rob barges in. Slams the door. Pictures fall off the wall.

ROB
What the **** do you want?

BOSS
Do you have those figures for me?
Rob pulls a GLOCK from behind his back.

ROB
No, but I did figure I’d shoot you
sometime today before three-thirty.

BOSS
Is that a real gun?

Rob fires FOUR ROUNDS into Boss’ computer. Sparks fly.

ROB
No.

Boss exhales, relieved, and scurries around the room. Probably late for an important meeting.

BOSS
Jamison said you had a boner at
the staff meeting. What am I
supposed to make of that?

ROB
Jamison’s gay?

Boss fixes his tie in a large mirror.

BOSS
Your eyes look glossy.

ROB
I’m so high I could touch God’s foot.

BOSS
Well that settles it. Go pack your
****. You’re moving into your new
office. I’m promoting you to my
assistant.

Tosses Rob a notepad.

ROB
I’ll probably stab you in the nuts.


BOSS
First thing I need you to do…
call my wife, tell her that
I’ll be home late. Too late.

Rob takes notes.
ROB
(writing)
Okkkk. **** your wife. Got it.

Rob scopes out tropical fish in a LARGE AQUARIUM.

BOSS
Then, get me those Vexcon numbers.
I want you in that conference call
with me at 4.

Jcorona
03-18-2009, 07:21 AM
The Dream Job (2 of 3)


ROB
That’s a no-go. Meeting with my
coke dealer at four.

Rob scoops a pretty ORANGE FISH out. Tosses it on floor. Watches it flop violently to a horrible death. Rob snickers.

INT. ROB’S NEW OFFICE – LATER

Rob unloads a few boxes in his new digs. KRISTY, 20, his hot assistant, walks in. SUCKS a lollipop. Smiles.

KRISTY
Anything I can do to help?

ROB
You could start by taking that bra off.

Kristy smiles. She’s diggin’ the vibe.

KRISTY
It’s about time someone asked me that.

She reaches back and unclasps her bra. Pulls it out from underneath her shirt. Black. Ooooh, must be cold in here.

ROB
Oh. And send Jamison in.

KRISTY
No problem.

MINUTES LATER.

JAMISON, 30s, ducks his head in. He’s a modern day Steve McQueen. Cool as ****.

JAMISON
Hey bud. We hitting the b-ball
courts tonight?

ROB
You know it.

They fist bump.

JAMISON
So, uh, Kristy said you wanted
to see me.

Rob “thinks”. Gives Jamison his best Ari Gold.

ROB
Oh yeah. That. No biggie.
You’re fired. Get the **** out.

JAMISON
But-

Rob LEVELS Jamison in the face. Pushes him forcefully out of the room. SLAMS the door. On Jamison’s fingers. They BREAK in a disgusting CRUNCH.

Rob collects himself and sits back at his desk. A KNOCK.

ROB
(annoyed)
Yes!

Kristy walks in.

ROB
There’s my favorite rack.



KRISTY
Would you like me to blow you
before I leave for the evening?

Taps his finger on his chin, mulling it over.

ROB
I’m on the fence.

Out of nowhere, Kristy holds up an ICE CUBE. Licks it.

KRISTY
Ok…but I found this ice cube…

She seductively SLIDES it all over her face. Pushes it in between her sexy red lips. And back out. Repeats.

MOMENTS LATER.

Arms behind his head. Rob lounges back on his swivel chair. Kristy positions herself. Stuffs the ice cube in her mouth.

ROB
That’s it…kneel before Zod.

Rob’s Tom Cruise-like concentration and ecstasy last for a good ten seconds. Suddenly, it DISTORTS. Then…fading…
fading…

WHITE SCREEN

Jcorona
03-18-2009, 07:23 AM
The Dream Job (3 of 3)


INT. ROB’S CAR - MORNING

The chorus of an Eminem song JOLTS Rob from his daze.

EMINEM (V.O.)
SNAP back to reality…

Rob turns the volume down, then SWERVES the car, missing a pedestrian by inches. Coffee SPILLS everywhere. He GASPS. He’s not a stud. He’s a loser with yellow teeth.

QUICK IMAGES

-Rob pulls his beater into a parking lot.

-Gets stuck in an automatic door.
-Walks by a HOT REDHEAD at the drinking fountain. Does nothing.

-Walks by an impressive office of Jamison Morris, who’s on the phone. Jamison FLIPS Rob off. Then flexes.

-In an even bigger office, we pass Boss. He SCOWLS at Rob.

-Passes Kristy’s CUBICLE. She’s a fat ass. Zits.

-Rob finally SLOUCHES into his cubicle chair. It falls apart. Checks under the desk. No girl. Hell, no beer. Nothing but the hum of his Commodore 64.

THIS PLACE IS NOTHING LIKE THE DREAM JOB HE ENVISIONED.

Jcorona
03-19-2009, 09:40 AM
Hot (1 of 2)


INT. BATHROOM – EVENING

A man’s hand wipes at a foggy surface. Slow, circular motions. We pull back to reveal this as the steamed mirror.

GARVIN, 26, takes a deep breath and smiles confidently at his reflection. He is looking HOT.

QUICK IMAGES

-Wrapped in a towel, Garvin applies deodorant.

-Blows hair dry.

-Trims nose hair.

-Shaves around his nipples.


INT. BEDROOM – LATER

Garvin splashes his neck with cologne. Ready for a night out.

MALE (O.S.)
You bastard.

Garvin whips around and sees DARREN, 25, grinning. Not as good looking, but well built.

GARVIN
Didn’t hear you come in.

Darren sets down his energy drink and lays on the bed.

DARREN
Remind me again how you got the date
with the hot neighbor.

GARVIN
She asked me out.

DARREN
Just like that?

Garvin does his best to play it off. Darren shakes his head, wishing it were him.

DARREN (cont)
Well, I think I can speak for the entire male
population on 5th St. when I say…
(off his look)
…you better at least make a sex tape.


INT. GARAGE – EVENING

A cluttered garage. Darren tags along. Garvin reaches into a 1995 muddy Jeep. Pulls out a wad of cash from the glove compartment.

DARREN
You’re not taking this ****kicker, are you?

Garvin shakes his head.

GARVIN
Hell no.
(points to the street)
She’s pickin’ me up.

On cue, the powerful hum of a V-8 directs their attention to the curb. There she sits.

DARREN GARVIN
Holy. S***. Holy. S***.

This is the hottest CAR you’ve ever seen. Convertible.


INT. CAR – SAME TIME

Behind the wheel is DEBORAH, 40s. Sunglasses. Dressed to kill. She’s every neighborhood’s HOT mom. Puts emphasis on the “F” in milf.

Applies lipstick in the rearview mirror.

BACK AT GARAGE.

GARVIN
Well. I better get going. The time of
my life is waiting.

Open mouthed Darren nods. Jealous, but barely able to speak.

DARREN
Ok.


EXT/INT – CAR – EVENING

Garvin opens the passenger door and begins to sit. Her HAND slides onto his. Catches his attention.

DEBORAH
I was thinking…maybe you could drive.

Garvin cracks a quirky grin. S*** yeah!

MOMENTS LATER.

VROOOM. Breakneck speed. Weaving in and out of traffic. The radio BLARES some “Sister Christian”.

Jcorona
03-19-2009, 09:43 AM
Hot (2 of 2)


INT. CAR – NIGHT

Darren enjoys the feel of hands on the wheel of this beauty. Looks at Deborah, who enjoys a cigarette. Menthol.

Garvin’s cell VIBRATES on his hip. TEXT FROM DARREN. Opens it up.
“I hope her vagina looks like Mick Jagger.”

Garvin smiles. Sets the phone down. Good old Darren. NOTHING will ruin this night.

GARVIN
This is…one sweet car. When did you
get this sucker?

Deborah exhales. Her dark hair blows in the summer breeze as they speed down a four lane highway.

She doesn’t answer. Instead, puts her soft, well manicured hand in his. Massages it. Her voice is unbelievably sexy. Mysterious.

DEBORAH
You plan on...
(looks to the highway)
gettin’ off anytime soon?
I’m feelin’ a little hot.

Garvin GULPS. Magic words. Until he realizes…
GARVIN
Oh. The highway! Yes. Yes.
Definitely. I’m getting off
the highway right now.


EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Garvin switches TWO lanes and VEERS off an exit ramp at 75 mph.


EXT. MOTEL LOT – NIGHT

Pulls into a cheap motel parking lot.


INT. CAR – NIGHT

Garvin shoves the car in park. Turns, faces Deborah. As she adjusts in her seat, he glances at her exposed breast. Money shot!

GARVIN
I’m really glad you asked me out.

She smiles. It’s all good.

GARVIN
I would’ve asked you out eventually.

Laughs nervously. She looks in her side mirror and suddenly PULLS him dangerously close to her. Their lips just an inch apart. Oh boy. This is it. This is –

RED and BLUE lights flicker. A COP comes over a loudspeaker.

COP(O.S.)
Driver! Hands where I can see ‘em!

Garvin shifts in his seat. Freaks out.

GARVIN
Is he talking to me? Was I speeding?

Deborah calmly LIGHTS another smoke. French inhales this time.

COP (O.S.)
Hands up! Out of the vehicle! Now!

Garvin throws his hands up. Backs out of the car. The cop is out of his car, no longer on the loudspeaker.

COP (O.S.)
Kiss the pavement a**hole!

Garvin, confused, drops to his chest. The cop shackles him in handcuffs.

GARVIN
Little excessive for a speeding ticket, eh?

Cop looks into the car. Taken aback by the HOTNESS of Deborah.

COP
Where’d you get the car, son?

GARVIN
It’s not mine. It’s hers. I’m just driving it.

Cop shines a LIGHT in Deborah’s face. She shrugs.

DEBORAH
Don’t look at me, baby.

Cop lifts Garvin up. Garvin is now sobbing.

COP
On your feet, son. You’re under arrest.

GARVIN
Under arrest? I didn’t –

COP
Save it for the judge. This car is HOT.
(off his look)
Stolen. And you’re behind the wheel.
You do the math.

Garvin looks to Deborah. She blows SMOKE RINGS. Winks.

Jcorona
03-20-2009, 09:24 AM
FISH TAILS


FADE IN:

INT. CORAL HOTEL ROOM - DAY

Shaky flippers load a cracked-open revolver. Bullets tumble
to the floor and roll under the bed.

The owner of the shaky flippers, LOUIS, a goldfish, exhales
bubbles and a worried groan.

Louis squeezes right under the bed to get the bullets. His
probing flipper almost touches them--

The door crashes open and two HIT FISH in black Tuxedos aim
their automatics at an apparently empty room.

Louis, under the bed, has a good view of their tails.

TALL HIT FISH
Dammit. Big Rocco said he'd be here.

SHORT HIT FISH
Maybe we should wait.

TALL HIT FISH
Let's introduce the girl to Lenny
the Lobster. She'll sing like a
whale when she sees his claws.

SHORT HIT FISH
Sounds like a plan!

They put their guns away and turn to leave. A CLICK makes
them freeze. They slowly look back over their shoulders.

Louis "kneels" on the floor, flippers resting on the bed,
holding the big revolver. The barrel shakes.

TALL HIT FISH
Hey Louis. You hiding under the
bed?

SHORT HIT FISH
So not cool.

LOUIS
I got nothing against you guys. I
just want out. You put your hardware
on the floor, you get to swim out of
here alive.

Tall Hit Fish looks under the bed and sees the scattered
bullets. He grins.

TALL HIT FISH
You gotta get yourself an automatic.
I got fifteen slugs in my magazine
and one in the pipe. You got what,
one, two at most?

SHORT HIT FISH
Maybe none.

Both Hit Fish grab for their guns.

The old revolver THUNDERS twice, so fast the shots blend
into reach other. Short and Tall are punched back against
the door frame. Red bloodstains spread across their white
shirts and cloud the water. They float belly up towards the
ceiling, eyeballs white.


INT. CORAL BAR - DAY

MITZI sits alone at the bar, looking unsure of herself instead
of being on the cover of a glossy goldfish magazine where
she belongs.

A SLICK BARRACUDA ambles over and flashes his pointed teeth.

SLICK BARRACUDA
Hey doll, are those scales of yours
sprayed on, or what?

MITZI
Get lost, creep.

SLICK BARRACUDA
Twenty bucks, that's my top offer.

Louis swims up behind the guy, whose eyes bulge because
Louis's pressing something hard into his back, and it ain't
a flipper.

LOUIS
The lady said get lost, creep.

Slick Barracuda gets lost fast.

MITZI
Louis, I didn't think you was gonna
come.

LOUIS
I got held up. Sorry, babe.

MITZI
Are we leaving now? I don't like
this pond.

LOUIS
You and me both. C'mon, grab your
purse.

Louis and Mitzi swim for the exit. But before they get there
BIG ROCCO enters, flanked by two GOONS. They're miniature
sharks in... shark suits.

Big Rocco's thirsty eyes drink in Mitzi's gleaming gold body.

BIG ROCCO
What's the hurry, Louis? You and
the little lady late for an
appointment?
(to Goons)
Go buy the lady a drink, boys. Be
real nice to her. Me and Louis got
some business to discuss.

The Goons escort Mitzi to the bar, she looks back, worried.

LOUIS
Leave her out of this, she doesn't
know what I do.

BIG ROCCO
I told you to wipe out Sammy the Squid.
What happened?

LOUIS
He had his family with him... the
missus and a bunch of little baby
squids. I couldn't shoot him with
his family watching.

BIG ROCCO
You idiot! They aren't his! Sammy
the Squid's tentacles don't swing
that way. He fooled you good.

Big Rocco pulls out his gun.

BIG ROCCO
Looks like I'll have to do the job
myself.

Big Rocco touches the gun barrel to Louis's head.

BIG ROCCO
After we take care of you and the
little lady, that is.

Louis looks over at the bar -- just as one of the Goon Sharks
swallows Mitzi whole!

LOUIS
Miiiiitttzzzzziiiiiiiii!

SAMMY THE SQUID
Hey, Rocco!

Sammy the Squid comes swimming in like a one-man army, 8
tentacles, 8 blazing guns. He blasts Big Rocco and the two
Goon Sharks. Big Rocco screams as he's totally shredded.
Their riddled corpses float up to the ceiling.

SAMMY THE SQUID
And that's how we do it on the ocean
floor. Hey Louis. I ever see you
again, you're chowder. Capiche?

Sammy the Squid exits like a missile, leaving a black ink
cloud behind.

Louis frantically swims to the Goon Shark who swallowed Mitzi.
Louis sees a SWORDFISH cowering in a corner. He grabs the
Swordfish and uses the guy's sword to cut open the dead Goon
Shark.

Mizti's curled up inside the Goon Shark's stomach, her eyes
closed. Louis pulls her out and shakes her.

LOUIS
Mitzi! MITZI!

Mitzi's eyes blink open.

MITZI
Oh Louis. It was horrible. The teeth.

They wrap their flippers around each other.

LOUIS
Come on, babe. Let's blow this joint.
From now on it's just you and me.

Together they swim out into clear blue sea, where they're
eaten by a Great White shark.

FADE OUT

Jcorona
03-20-2009, 01:06 PM
ABRUPTLY...


FADE IN:

INT. DONUT SHOP - NIGHT

Constable SINGH, (20s), wearing a turban, and Constable TUTTLE, (40s), sit at the counter. While Tuttle finishes a doughnut, Singh uses a pen to mark the back of a newspaper.

SINGH
Ejaculate?

TUTTLE
Ejaculate.

SINGH
That can't be right!

TUTTLE
Sure, it's ejaculate. To exclaim, briefly and suddenly. You already have E-J-A and L-A-T.

SINGH
My wife does this crossword, too!

TUTTLE
Then, she should know it, too.

Tuttle finishes another doughnut and slips a few more into a paper bag.


EXT. DONUT SHOP - NIGHT

Singh and Tuttle make their way to a patrol car.

TUTTLE
These are the best doughnuts, ever!

SINGH
But, it's not a proper word to use.

TUTTLE
It's an old word. If someone shouts something, it could be written as, "he ejaculated."

Across the Street

An elderly SHOPOWNER bursts from a storefront door and, seeing Singh and Tuttle, waves to get their attention.

SHOPOWNER
Hey! I've just been robbed!

TUTTLE
(to Singh)
Like that.
(to Shopowner)
What happened?

SHOPOWNER
Some clown in a bunny suit was stealing stuff out the back door. He loaded up a shopping cart and took off up the back alley.
(points)
That way!

TUTTLE
(to Singh)
Notify dispatch, and bring the car around to the end of the alley.

SINGH
Right.


INT. STORE - NIGHT

Tuttle races thru the store and into the...


EXT. BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

Tuttle hears, then sees, in the distance, a large Rabbit pushing a shopping cart. He sprints in pursuit.

TUTTLE
Stop, in the name of the law!

In the distance, the large Rabbit turns around, sees Tuttle, shoves the shopping cart aside, and dashes off further up the dark alley.


EXT. INTERSECTION OF STREET AND BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

Singh pulls up the patrol car, as Tuttle exits the alley.

SINGH
You see him?

TUTTLE
Yeah, he's headed up the next block. Swing around, and we'll box him in.

Singh takes off, with lights now flashing atop the patrol car. Tuttle, puffing from too many doughnuts, resumes the pursuit further up the next block of the alley.


EXT. BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

Tuttle puffs and puffs, in a running pursuit.


EXT. ANOTHER INTERSECTION OF STREET AND BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

Singh sits in the patrol car, as Tuttle emerges from the alley.

TUTTLE
Where'd he go?

SINGH
Up the next alley.

TUTTLE
Well, get ahead of him! Drive around, and I'll flush him out.


EXT. BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

Tuttle puffs and puffs, in a running pursuit.


EXT. LAST INTERSECTION OF STREET AND BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

Tuttle emerges, near breathless, from the alley, and sees Singh standing next to the patrol car, finishing the crossword puzzle.

TUTTLE
Did you get him?

SINGH
No, but you can get him, now.

Singh points to a large staggering Rabbit, which collapses onto the curb across the street.

TUTTLE
What?

SINGH
I knew that you'd win the race between the Tuttle and the Hare.

Tuttle pulls out a set of handcuffs and approaches the moaning man in the Rabbit costume.

TUTTLE
Why didn't you take this clown down?

SINGH
Didn't you know that it's against my religion to cut off the Hare?

FADE OUT:

Jcorona
03-21-2009, 01:42 AM
HEROES

FADE IN:

EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT

The clip-clop of high heels. A woman wearing a leather coat, a wide-brimmed hat, and sunglasses, emerges from the shadows. Her right arm is twice as thick as her left arm.

She stops at a doorway. A sign overhead says: "Gatsby Theater - FOR SALE." She grabs the handle and tugs. It's locked. She looks up and down the alleyway. No one's around. She WRENCHES the door open with brutal strength, pieces of metal bounce and ping, the wooden frame is splintered. She enters. The door creaks shut behind her.

ALLEY SECURITY CAMERA POV: watching the door slowly close.


EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Angled skylights glow, steam rises from vent pipes.

Something blobbish lands on the roof with a loud SQUELCH. The blobbish something unfolds and stands up. It's a MAN, wearing a long coat, a hat, and sunglasses. He brushes himself down.

He peers down through one of the skylight windows. Then walks to one of the vent pipes. He leans forward and POURS himself down the pipe until he's gone.

ROOF SECURITY CAMERA POV: watching the vent pipe.


EXT. EMPTY STREET - MANHOLE COVER - NIGHT

The manhole cover unscrews clockwise and is pushed to one side. A grinning dinosaur head rises up out of the manhole. The head turns to look up and down the street. The head slowly sinks out of sight.

STREET SECURITY CAMERA POV: watching the open manhole.


INT. DARK EMPTY THEATER - NIGHT

WOMAN
Hello?

A spotlight comes on, dazzling the woman with the wide-brimmed hat on center stage.

WOMAN
Hey! Cut it out!

The spotlight shifts so it's slightly to her right.

WOMAN
Better.

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
I'm sorry, Miss Bellman. I couldn't see you.

WOMAN
That's okay. Where the hell are you?

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Behind you.

The woman turns round. A steel bin on wheels sits behind her. It has a glass window slit near the top. The woman, curious, bends down to peer through the slit.

WOMAN
Oh my God.

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Yes. I was once a human being, like you. Now I must dwell inside this vessel, since my mutated form can no longer exist in your world.

WOMAN
What are you mutating into, a giant penis?

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Possibly yes. Two other persons are about to join you. Do not be alarmed.

The spotlight swings to illuminate a blobbish shape as it oozes onto the stage. The shape reforms into the man from the rooftop.

WOMAN
Neat trick. Who else?

The spotlight swings to illuminate the disosaur, who emits a low growl.

WOMAN
The hell?

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
I have invited you three here to present a proposition. First I will introduce you, since it is unlikely that you are familiar with each other.

The spotlight shines on the woman.

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Kaitlyn Bellman, dentist's receptionist by day, fearless heroine by night. Better known as Miss Brutality. Your ability to wrench open doors with the sheer brute strength in your grossly overdeveloped right arm, and your super punch, has foiled the master plan of many a hardened criminal.

NEWSPAPER FRONT PAGE: headline reads "MYSTERY GIRL WITH BIG ARM FOILS BANK ROBBERY" -- photo of COPS standing over a pair of ROBBERS who are both in agony, nursing their left shoulders.

The spotlight shines on the man who was a blob.

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Reggie Farquahar, experimental fashion designer, whose advanced research into atomic-powered jewelry and accessories resulted in his own body gaining fantastic molecular gooey-ness. Better known as Mister Ooze, who can sneak into secret criminal lairs through the smallest openings, and detain suspects until the police arrive.

NEWSPAPER FRONT PAGE: headline reads "CRIMINAL GANG STUCK FAST" -- photo of several CRIMINALS stuck to a brick wall by gleaming ooze.

The spotlight shines on the dinosaur, who ROARS and swings its paws around, enraged.

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Frederick Meeker, paleontology professor, whose exposure to a strange virus contained in the thigh bone of a dinosaur, which he gnawed as a joke to impress a young female student, has resulted in a bizarre melding of human and sauron DNA. Better known as Me-Rex, terror of the sewers.

NEWSPAPER FRONT PAGE: headline reads "DINOSAUR EATS GANGLAND BOSS" -- photo of sickened COPS peering into a banged-up sedan whose roof has been peeled open.

The dinosaur calms down and nods. Raowrr.

WOMAN
Okay, so you know who we are. Who are you?

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
I am Doctor Victor Van Der Ook.

WOMAN
The famous missing scientist! They said you fell into a volcano.

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Merely a subterfuge to mask my activities. It is my intention to create a team of super-heroes who will combat the tidal wave of crime that threatens to overwhelm this dark city.

MISS BRUTALITY
Sure, I'm in.

MISTER OOZE
Very well.

ME-REX
Raowrr.

MAN'S AMPLIFIED VOICE
Excellent.

FADE OUT

Jcorona
03-21-2009, 01:45 AM
UNRELATED (1 of 2)


FADE IN:

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

Nice house, nice backyard in a small southern town.

HANK (60) stands by a grill with a spatula in his hand. He’s big, muscular, still handsome and has an
irresistible smile.

He flips over some steaks, glances over to his wife, a flirtatious smile on his face.

HANK
How you like your meat honey? Tender or tough?

He winks at her.

LISA (55) giggles, a coy smile emerges under her blushed cheeks. She’s short, rotund, very motherly.
She places plates, glasses and other dinner items on a picnic table.

LISA
Oh Hank, you’re terrible.

STAN (29) tall, thin, happy go lucky dreamer kind of guy skips into the backyard with a huge grin on his face.

His hand holds the hand of TILDA (25) a slender cutiepie in a pretty summer dress.
They stop in front of Hank and Lisa. They gaze into each others eyes like only lovers can.

STAN
Mom, dad, this is Tilda O’steen.

Stan and Tilda hug each other in excitement.

Hank eyes Tilda, no question what his thoughts are. He flashes his trademark hound dog smile.

HANK
Well, hi there Tilda.

Lisa notices Hank, sighs in good humor.

STAN
I have something exciting to tell you!... Tilda and I are getting married!

Surprised, but happy, Lisa puts her hand on her chest.


INT. GARAGE - DAY

Hank and Stan are in the garage.
Hank’s deep in thought.

HANK
You said her name is Tilda O’steen?

The sound of Tilda’s name puts a dream like glow and goofy smile on Stan.

STAN
She’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met.

A pained expression on Hank’s face.

HANK
Son, I don’t know how to tell you this, but...

He puts his hand on Stan’s shoulder.

HANK
You can’t marry that girl...

Stan snaps out of his dream trance, stares at his dad.

STAN
What?

Hank appears embarrassed.

HANK
...you see, long time ago I had an affair with Mary O’steen... Tilda’s mother.

Stan stares in disbelief at his dad.

STAN
What are you saying?

Hank nods in shame.

STAN
What?... You’re her dad?

HANK
I’m sorry...

SIX MONTHS LATER


INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Hank sits at the table, a newspaper and dinner in front of him.

The sound of the front door opening.
Stan struts into the kitchen. He has that “I’m in love” look painted allover his face.

Hank glimpses up at him.

STAN
Dad, I’m in love.

Hank lights up. A smile grows.

HANK
Oh yeah?

Stan nods in an exaggerated way.

STAN
Oh yeah!

Hank gets up, puts his hands on Stan’s shoulders.

HANK
Tell me. Who’s the lucky girl?

STAN
Her name is Clara Jackson. She’s got the most beautiful--

Hank frowns, ponders.

HANK
Jackson?

STAN
...yeah...

HANK
Sheila Jackson’s daughter?

Stan’s shoulders slump.

STAN
Don’t tell me you...

Embarrassed, Hank nods.

HANK
I’m sorry son... I couldn’t help myself. She was irresistible. Had the most incredible feet... She could braid her own hair with those delicate little things.

Hank’s turn to get a dreamy look on his face.

Stan is appalled.

Jcorona
03-21-2009, 01:47 AM
UNRELATED (2 of 2)


MONTAGE

Stan twirls a pretty girl #1 around in his arms.
Stan and pretty girl #1 rush into a living room. Hank and Lisa stare at them. Stan beams with excitement. Hank shakes his head no in disappointment. Stan, slumps down.

Stan is in a diner, drinks milk shake out of the same glass as pretty girl #2.
Stan and the pretty girl #2 rush up the front yard. Hank and Lisa stare at them. Stan beams with excitement. Hank shakes his head no in disappointment. Stan, slumps down, depressed.

END MONTAGE

EXT. HOUSE - DAY
Stan sits all depressed on the steps up to the front porch.

Lisa exits the house. She has a plate with apple pie topped with vanilla ice cream in her hands.
Sympathy is all over her. She hands the plate to Stan.

LISA
Here. Eat this. It will make you feel better.

Stan takes the plate.

STAN
I feel horrible mom...

LISA
Tell me what’s wrong.

Stan puts the plate down. He’s too miserable to eat.

STAN
Every girl I meet... and I’ve met almost all the girls in town by now... they are all my sisters!

He gazes up at his mother.

STAN
How can you live with him?

Lisa takes a deep breath.

LISA
Your father is a very charming man. He knows his way around women... He’s very hard to resist.

STAN
I’ll never be able to get married.

Lisa smiles with sympathy, cups his face in her hands.

LISA
Yes you will. In fact, you can marry any one of those girls.

Stan seems disgusted.

STAN
Marry one of my sisters?

Lisa kisses his forehead.

LISA
You go ahead. Marry any one of them. You see... you’re dad isn’t really your father...

She winks at him then heads back into the house.

FADE OUT:

Jcorona
03-21-2009, 01:49 AM
No Man Left Behind!


INT. TROPICAL JUNGLE - DAY

Two exhausted marines sprint for their lives. Past bushes, trees, through an open field.

JOHNSON
If we make it past that hill.

Mahoney peers over his shoulder.

MAHONEY
We’re not gonna make it.

JOHNSON
We’re gonna make it, it’s right--

POP! They both tumble to the jungle floor. Johnson crawls to Mahoney, laying under the cover of brush.

JOHNSON
Mahoney, you ok?

Mahoney peels back branches to reveal a gushing bullet wound.

MAHONEY
Define ok.

JOHNSON
Can you make it?

MAHONEY
You’ll have to go without me.
Johnson rips apart his sleeves and bandages him.

JOHNSON
It’s only another mile. I’ll carry you.
He lifts Mahoney, but slips in the mess of blood.

MAHONEY
Leave me!

Face covered in blood...

JOHNSON
No man left behind! You know that Mahoney.

MAHONEY
Carl.

JOHNSON
I’m not leaving you.

MAHONEY
I have something to tell you.

JOHNSON
Stop talking like that!

Mahoney practically hacks up his insides, more blood. He’s got a few minutes tops.

MAHONEY
It’s been eating me alive all these years.

JOHNSON
You got something to tell me, tell me back at base.

Johnson drags Mahoney’s limp body across the brush. Blood spewing everywhere.

MAHONEY
Back home...Carl?

JOHNSON
No man left behind.

MAHONEY
I slept with your wife.

They flop on what’s now a slip and slide of blood.

JOHNSON
You what?

MAHONEY
I slept with Sarah. There, I said it.

JOHNSON
When?

MAHONEY
When you were at the store. When you visited your parents. Pretty much anytime you weren’t home. And some times when you were.

JOHNSON
What the hell Mahoney. We--

Johnson spits blood away from his mouth, wipes.

JOHNSON (CONT’D)
grew up together. We enlisted together.

MAHONEY
And we did Sarah together, I know. I had to get it off my chest.

JOHNSON
Give me my sleeves back!

Johnson rips off his bandage and slips. Mahoney snatches him by the soaked collar.

MAHONEY
There’s something else.

JOHNSON
You bastard let go of me.

MAHONEY
I’m serious Carl.

JOHNSON
What, you fathered my children?

Dead silence.

JOHNSON
Damn it Mahoney! Which one?

MAHONEY
All eight of them.

Johnson plops himself on a patch of grass. Devastation sets in.

MAHONEY
You ok there buddy?

JOHNSON
Don’t talk to me!

In the meantime, Mahoney unfolds his wallet pictures.

MAHONEY
I’ll miss you little Jimmy, Megan. I never got to take ‘em to Disney.

JOHNSON
Give me that!

Johnson snatches the pics away.

MAHONEY
Technically they are my kids.

Click. Mahoney finds a pistol in his mouth, Johnson twitching at the trigger.

JOHNSON
Go ahead, tell me she loved you. Or how much she enjoyed it.

MAHONEY (MUFFLED)
She really did.

Johnson retreats the gun.

JOHNSON
I’d kill you right where you’re dying. But I’m not. Why? Cause maybe you’ll live just long enough for those bastards to find you.

MAHONEY
I know what I did was just a little screwed up. I know.

JOHNSON
Just a little?

MAHONEY
But you gotta get out of here.

JOHNSON
At least the bleeding stopped.

MAHONEY
Yeah.

Almost on command, blood gushes out again. Two bullets whiz past. Johnson turns to leave.

MAHONEY
Wait. Man to man. Marine to marine. Do me this last favor.

JOHNSON
Alright, what is it?

MAHONEY
Tell your wife I love her.

From the jungle tree tops...Two gunshots ring out.

JOHNSON (O.S.)
f**er.

Jcorona
03-21-2009, 01:51 AM
PERFECT WIFE (1 of 2)


INT. BAR - DAY

A typical neighborhood bar. A pool table in the back, an old tube TV hangs from the ceiling in the corner by the bar, tables and chairs spread out in random order.

The place is half filled with after work patrons having a drink before they head home.

DARRYL (35) sits at one of the tables with a beer in front of him. He leans back in his chair, a smug look on his face like he’s on top of the world.

He glances around the room to see if anyone notices his “awesome” presence. No one does.

Darryl takes a big gulp of his beer.

The door to the bar swings open. MARTIN (30) short, stout with a red face strolls in together with TOBY (30).

Toby is very tall, very skinny, 130 pounds tops. He’s got an overbite and no chin what so ever.

Darryl notices the two. Waves at them.

DARRYL
Martin! Toby!

Martin and Toby turns to see Darryl. They head on over.

MARTIN
Darryl! How ya doin?

TOBY
Didn’t expect to see you here.

Darryl pulls a couple of chairs out.

DARRYL
Come on guys. Have a seat.

Martin and Toby sit down.

MARTIN
Haven’t seen you in ages. What you up to?

A proud smile spreads on Darryl’s face. He holds up his left hand, shows off a wedding ring.

Martin’s and Toby’s eyes bug out.

TOBY
No way Darryl! You got married?

Darryl gets that smug I’m the king of the world look again.

DARRYL
Yep. And not just any girl either. She’s a dream. Couldn’t ask for anything better. Seriously guys. She’s perfect.

MARTIN
There’s no such thing. Perfect girlfriend maybe, but not wife.

Darryl gestures for the bartender to bring beers for his friends.

DARRYL
Just wait here and I’ll introduce you to her. She’ll be here any minute.

MARTIN
I can tell ya there ain't no such thing as a perfect woman.

DARRYL
Oh yeah? How about last Sunday I had just started changing oil in the car and she comes out and says
(talks and gestures like a girl)
“Oh honey let me change the oil. You can sit down, have a beer and watch. If you don’t mind, I’ll do it naked so I won’t get my clothes dirty”.

The bartender brings the beers then leaves. Martin and Toby stares at Darryl.

TOBY
No ****?

MARTIN
What’s wrong with her? I bet she’s a real dog.

DARRYL
She’s beautiful.

MARTIN
Okay, so she’s not a dog and likes changing oil naked. Big deal.

Toby stares at Martin.

TOBY
That is a big deal! Your wife won’t even have sex naked!

Martin’s not convinced.

MARTIN
I bet she spends all your money buying useless **** like shoes.

Darryl shakes his head no with pride.

DARRYL
Nope!. In fact I decided to be a little extra nice to her one day and take her shopping at Neimann Mark-ups and she said “Honey, I hate shopping. Let’s go to a strip club instead”.

Martin and Toby reach for their beers in unison while their eyes are fixed on Darryl.

TOBY
Whoa...

MARTIN
I bet she nags you about getting drunk.

DARRYL
Not even that. In fact she keeps the fridge stocked at all times and even tells me I’m hot and turn her on when I wake up hungover looking and smelling like the city sewer in the morning.

Jcorona
03-21-2009, 01:52 AM
PERFECT WIFE (2 of 2)


TOBY
Damned! She sounds like a real peach.

Darryl boasts.

DARRYL
Got that right. Last night there was absolutely nothing to watch on TV. I must’ve seemed real bored. She came up to me and looked me deep in the eyes and said “what’s wrong baby? You look all bored”. I said I was and she asked me if I wanted to help her shave her--

Martin’s still suspicious.

MARTIN
I bet she can’t cook.

Toby stares at Martin.

TOBY
Are you kidding? With a woman like that, who gives a **** if she can cook?

The door to the bar swings open. HELEN (30) steps in. She might not be PlayMate material, but she’s attractive with a nice body and flirtacious smile.

Darryl sees her. His whole persona lights up. He waves at her.

DARRYL
Helen! Over here.

Martin and Toby ogle Helen then glance at each other. They nod with approval. “Not bad”.

Helen floats in a very feminine way to their table.

As she gets closer Toby eyes her more intently. There’s a hint of recognition in his eyes.

After a passionate kiss Darryl proudly handles the introductions.

DARRYL
Martin, Toby, this is Helen. My wife.

They all shake hands then Helen sits down.


INT. BAR - NIGHT - LATER

The mood is high. Everyone’s had quite a bit to drink.

Toby stares occasionally at Helen with confusion.

DARRYL
Well guys, I think it’s time for me and the missus to head home.

He winks at Martin and Toby.

Helen and Darryl gets up. They all say their good-byes then Darryl puts his arm around Helen’s waist and with pride escorts her out of there.

MARTIN
I can’t believe Darryl found someone like Helen. She’s unbelievable. Can’t even imagine a woman who’d suggest they stay home and watch football and drink beer instead of visiting her parents.

Martin glances at Toby who’s lost in thought.

MARTIN
Hey, what’s up with you?

TOBY
I went to high school with...her.

MARTIN
Serious? Man, you should’ve asked her out.

TOBY
Nah...

MARTIN
Why not? She coulda been yours instead of Darryl’s.

Toby shrugs, takes a big gulp of his beer.
MARTIN
Why didn’t you ask her out? Too intimidated? She was too hot for ya?

Toby takes another drink.

TOBY
Nah... back then she went by the name Troy Mossberg.

Martin’s turn to be confused.

MARTIN
Troy?... As in...

Toby nods.

TOBY
Yeah.

MARTIN
Damn... I knew there was no such thing as a perfect woman.

dpaterso
03-26-2009, 01:45 AM
And the authors were:

Coming To A Shelf Near You - mtoomey
The Ladies Room - Umo
Chuck and Julio Save the Environment - mcornetto
The Test - dpaterso
The Dream Job - spyder23
Hot - spyder23
Fish Tails - dpaterso
Abruptly... - Fortean
Heroes - dpaterso
Unrelated - IndieMe
No Man Left Behind! - flamegrilledwhopper
Perfect Wife - IndieMe

Check out the votes here (http://messageboard.donedealpro.com/boards/showpost.php?p=511893&postcount=29).