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View Full Version : Balls of Concession... rewrite 5,675.845


Mark Somers
01-21-2011, 02:49 AM
This as been going on for about 2 years...





STORY BY THEBLONDEWRITR

THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY ANYWAYS

NOT ACTUALLY A LOT AFTER THAT


FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATER - ZAGAT'S MOVIE CONCESSION -- DAY

A very short BILL BELAMY stands in line bobbing his head
left, right, up and down.

BILL
(murmurs to himself)
It's always like this.

A microwave oven braced under his right arm. With his left
hand he fidgets in the pockets of his large tight fitting
shorts.

BILL
Don't people know what they want
before they get up there? C'mon!

He pulls out a fist of bills and some change.

A couple of the coins escape his pudgy fingers.

Above him on the wall a surveillance camera swivels points
in his direction.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - UNKNOWN ROOM

A cavernous luxurious room filled with high tech equipment.

A huge screen floats in the center of room. On the screen
is Bill picking up the coins.

Another series of smaller screens below the huge screen.

A well manicured hand glides over the screens changing the
images as it moves. It stops at an image of a boiling pot
of water.

A digital display shows a temperature reading of "211 degrees
Fahrenheit"

The hand belongs to THOMAS CRUISE star of the comedy super-

Smash hit BALLS OUT and some other movies and of course most
recently the as-yet-to-be-comedic super-smash short BALLS OF
CONCESSION.

THOMAS CRUISE
Manfred. The temperature on number
six hot dog boiler is off again. It
needs to be at exactly two hundred
and twelve degrees Fahrenheit.
Exactly.

MANFRED, a well dressed gentleman in his 50's nods his head
in agreement.

MANFRED
Yes Mr. Cruise. I'll see to it
immediately... I've installed the
software you asked for.

THOMAS CRUISE
The number 8000 crotch recognition
software? Excellent Manfred. That
is incredible.

MANFRED
There was a bit of a problem though.

THOMAS CRUISE
I hate problems, Manfred. Problems
are very problematic. Was it a
problem with windows? Was it a bug?

MANFRED
No Mr. Cruise. Not a bug.
(Manfred snickers)
It was crabs...

THOMAS CRUISE
What?

MANFRED
Crabs.

THOMAS CRUISE
Crabs.

Manfred is really proud of his joke. His snicker explodes
into soft giggles.

Thomas Cruise is not amused.

MANFRED
Crabs.

Manfred's soft giggles get out of hand... For awhile.

THOMAS CRUISE
Done?

Manfred nods his head yes, but he's really about to explode.

THOMAS CRUISE
You're sure?

Manfred, is biting his fist trying to hold back his giggling.

THOMAS CRUISE
Manfred...

Suddenly a klaxon blares as red light permeates the huge
room.

Three young women floating on thier backs in a large tank of
water off to one side convulse.

MANFRED
Mr. Cruise the Precogs are
experiencing an event. A strong pre
sale event.

The three shaved women are PRECOGS, short for Precognitives.
They can foretell future events.

Behind Manfred a clear plastic tube ejaculates a wooden ball.

Following the wooden ball around through the tube it crosses
along one wall then across the room along another wall, around
a large collection of tables adorned with computer monitors,
till it is ejaculted out of the tube. WUMP the ball the size
of a baseketball lands on Manfred's foot.

Tears run down Manfred's cheeks as he helps Thomas Cruise
with the huge wooden ball.

Thomas Cruise studies the markings on the ball.

He looks at the huge floating screen in the middle of the
room. Bill is digging for a coin under the edge of a counter.

THOMAS CRUISE
I don't like this, Manfred. I don't
like this one bit. This is a pre
sale the likes of which we've never
seen before.

Thomas Cruise quickly positions himself in front of the huge
screen. Using his hands he moves around video-images on the
screen...

A video-image of Bill dumping a large glob of chocolate on
his cereal.

A video-image of Bill in a classroom picking his nose and
wiping it under his desk.

A video-image of Bill on a bus picking his nose and wiping
it under the seat.

A video-image of Bill entering the Theater.

Another video-image only flashes for a split second on the
screen.

Thomas Cruise turns to Manfred. His eyes intense.

MANFRED
It's danger, Thomas Cruise, isn't
it. It's danger...

Another alarm goes off. This time louder.

The Precogs convulse wildly. They stop.

The screens go blank. All is silent.

Manfred limps away from the plastic tube, but nothing comes
out.

A technician adjusts a beer hat on one of the Precogs. Another
Precog is trying to get the mouth tube of the other Precogs
beer hat.

Suddenly without warning the Precog tank erupts with bubbles.

Thomas Cruise reaches into his pocket, pulls out some
clothespins, clips one on his nose and hands the other to
Manfred.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
We'll clean the tank later.

Thomas Cruise shoots a look at his wrist video screen. On
the screen Bill is digging at a coin stuck under the edge of
the concession counter.

Without missing a beat Thomas Cruise runs out of the room
and jumps into a stairwell with Manfred limping at his heels.

Thomas Cruise shoots up the stairs effortlessly while Manfred
struggles with his crushed foot to keep up.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Manfred. Quickly we have no time to
lose.

Thomas Cruise stops his hellish climb for a dramatic pause.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
I fear it's HIM.

Manfred not noticing that Thomas Cruise has stopped his
frantic assault up the stairs smashes into Thomas Cruise.

Manfred loses his footing and tumbles backwards eight flights
of stairs.

Eight painful flights of stairs. BUMP BUMP BUMP Not just
two or even five flights of stairs BUMP BANG BUMP BUMP but
eight... total... painful flights of stairs.

Manfred pulls himself up off the eighth stairs landing to
find that he can't straighten himself. Feeling around his
upper back he finds a large lump over his left shoulder.

And he lost his clothespin.

Manfred starts back up the stairs. Limping. In a lot of
pain.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER-ROOF -- DAY

Thomas Cruise runs to one side of the roof looks out over
the parking lot. He runs to the other side to be met by the
head of a giant robot, the ROBOTARD 8000.

Thomas Cruise runs to a small building on the roof punches
in a series of numbers on a security pad.

He presses his hips against a crotch high lighted panel.

The panel flashes a few times. Another panel at eye level
flashes "Access Denied... Access Denied".

Thomas Cruise presses his hips into the lighted panel over
and over... Pressing harder and harder. The eye level panel
shows: "Access Denied... Access Denied".

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Come on Manfred. Show me your magic.

He presses harder and faster into the crotch level panel.

Eye level panel displays: "Access Denied".

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Come on, Manfred. I need this...
I need this now. Now baby. Oh yea
I need this.

The panel flashes: "Access Approved".

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Incredible, Manfred. Incredible.

The door opens automatically with a SWISH followed by a thin
gas cloud. Thomas Cruise runs into the windowless building.

WOMANS VOICE (O.S.)
Son did you bring food?

THOMAS CRUISE (O.S.)
(nasally)
Next time, mom. I promise. Next
time.

Thomas Cruise exits carrying a large coil of rope. He presses
his butt against another butt high panel. The door seals
shut automatically followed by...

ELECTRONIC VOICE
Building secure. Thank you and have
a incredible day.

At the roof edge Thomas Cruise wraps the rope around his
waist and the other end around a steel safety rail.

He positions himself to rappel down the side of the building.

Manfred appears from the roof stairwell. Slouched over, he
limps towards Thomas Cruise. The lump on his back is even
larger now.

He strains to lift his head to look at Thomas Cruise.

MANFRED
Master, you forgot your gloves.

THOMAS CRUISE
No time, Manfred.

Thomas Cruise tears off his shirt. He carefully makes perfect
strips that he wraps around his hands.

Thomas Cruise grips the rope with his makeshift gloves, shoots
Manfred a look and before he drops over the side...

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Manfred if I don't make it back...

MANFRED
But Master you will make it back.

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
Manfred, listen. If I don't make it
back remember to clean the Precog
tank once a week and don't over feed
them.

As Thomas Cruise rappels down the side of the building the
sky fills with dark thick swirling clouds.

A bolt of lightning explodes behind and above Manfred.
Manfred's silhouette with huge back lump flashes on the roof.
A smoldering chunk of the building smacks Manfred in the
back.

Manfred falls forward. Thomas Cruise looks up sees Manfred.
He grabs Manfred by the arm, with one swift move he flips
him up on his back.

Thomas Cruise with Manfred on his back makes it almost to
the ground but runs out of rope about twenty feet above the
ground.

MANFRED
Master, what are we going to do now?

THOMAS CRUISE
(nasally)
We'll make it Manfred. We'll make
it. I'll just swing over a car and...

Thomas Cruise swings out over a car... lets go and lands


Is my writing clear? Understandable?

Thank you.