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wenonah
10-20-2004, 09:36 AM
Okay, short and sweet.

Happy Halloween, folks.

*****************************************

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - HALLOWEEN NIGHT

JACK (30's) sits on the small table, his left hand wrapped in
a bloody towel. His WIFE looks on nervously, pacing the six
steps from him to the closed door.

JACK
Sit down, will you?

Her coat bulges with a perfectly round, perfectly orange
pumpkin held at her waist.

WIFE
Does it hurt?

JACK
More like a tingle.

She looks down at the pumpkin. The typical triangle eyes and
nose and jagged mouth are drawn with marker on it's smooth
skin. A bloody thumb print makes a dimple. It's otherwise
intact.

WIFE
I can't even stand holding it.

She puts it on a slim counter next to a sink, turning it's
smile away from her. She goes to her husband's side.

JACK
It was an accident, let's just get
it taken care of and go home.

WIFE
He won't believe us, the doctor.

As she says this a female DOCTOR walks into the room looking
down at a chart.

DOCTOR
He won't believe what?

The wife blushes, Jack smiles nervously. The doctor
approaches him, starts working on the towel.

DOCTOR
My first patient over ten since
five-o-clock.

She glances at the pumpkin.

DOCTOR
And the first to bring his own
decorations.

The last of the towel falls away to reveal the end of Jack's
index finger sliced neatly off. The small stump oozes blood.
The doctor grimaces with compassion.

DOCTOR
Ouch, that's a nasty one. We need
to get this taken care of, did you
bring in the tip?

WIFE
Um, see, that's the part that's so
weird--

JACK
I was carving the pumpkin - this
one.

He points to the pumpkin with his bloody finger.

WIFE
I told him not to use that knife. I
just ordered them off TV, they were
so sharp.

She puts her hands in her coat pockets, paces again
nervously.

WIFE
So sharp.

DOCTOR
So, where's the finger?

The husband and wife look at each other. Jack slides off the
table, goes to the pumpkin, turns it around to the face, then
backs away from it quickly.

DOCTOR
I thought you said you carved it.

JACK
I started to. I got the top off,
spooned the guts, poked out the
eyes and --

WIFE
It was the mouth...

The Wife sits down in a lone plastic chair in the corner.

JACK
I followed the lines, right there.

The doctor crosses her arms, a look of amusement tugs at her
eyes.

DOCTOR
Is this some sort of Halloween
prank? Frankly I don't find this
funny or weird.

Jack stares at the pumpkin, his voice almost a whisper.

JACK
Look, we didn't expect you to
believe us, but it's the truth. The
minute I stuck my hand in there, I
slipped, the knife slipped, I don't
know.

WIFE
It bit down! Took his finger clean
off. It's still in there. I saw it,
I saw it, Jack!

JACK
Honey--

The doctor picks up the pumpkin, turns it, knocks on it,
laughs.

DOCTOR
There's not one mark on it. I'd
like to help you, sir but --

The doctor looks from wife to husband, neither look back.

DOCTOR
Is there some sort of abuse here?
Do I need to call someone?

WIFE/HUSBAND
No!

JACK
It's the truth. After she wrapped
up my hand, we found the pumpkin
just like that, like nothing
happened.

WIFE
We thought you could...

JACK
Cut it out.

DOCTOR
I'll be right back.

The doctor leaves.

JACK
Turn it around.

The wife approaches it slowly, turns it around quickly.



MOMENTS LATER

The doctor returns with a hulking male nurse, JEFF. She
plucks the pumpkin from the counter, puts it in his arms.

DOCTOR
Try to stay in the lines.

JEFF
No problem, doc.

He chuckles, winks at Jack and leaves with the pumpkin.

DOCTOR
Now let's get to business.

JACK
Where's he going?

DOCTOR
Do a little surgery. In the
meantime we need to cauterize and
stitch this up. Looks like you're
friends will be calling you stubby
from now on.

The wife goes to the door, opens it, looks down the hallway
then pops back in.

WIFE
He should be careful, tell him to
be careful.

DOCTOR
Oh, our knives aren't from TV.
Jeff's very competent with the
scalpel.

The doctor stitches Jack's finger with black thread. She
wraps it, stands to peel off her gloves.

A high pitched scream followed by cursing and more people
screaming come from the hallway. A NURSE rushes into the
door.

NURSE
It's Jeff, the pumpkin, hurry!

The door closes. The doctor runs out the door, Jack and his
wife follow.



INT. EMERGENCY ROOM FRONT DESK - CONTINUOUS

The pumpkin sits on top of spread newspaper, it's guts in a
slimy orange pile with the tip of an index finger on top.
It's empty eye triangles squeeze shut as it chews, making
sick wet crunching noises.

Jeff, stands screaming. He holds his bloody wrist up to his
face, his entire hand missing, it spurts with each scream.

FADE OUT.

hot sticky white goo
10-20-2004, 10:22 AM
this was good. probably my favorite so far.

simple, yes.

at the beginning, wouldnt it make more sense if the wife wasnt holding the pumpkin at all? be better if it was in a bag or something and in the opposite end of the room. and they dont go near it, telling the doc that shes gonna have to inspect it herself.

also, think about how the couple would have reacted at home after the thing bit jack. maybe they tried to fight back and theres like a hammer stuck in the thing when they arrive at the hospital, adding to the comedic absurdity, but still within logic. and i think they definitely would have put the thing in a bag or a box or something. they wouldnt carry it as is.

this is what makes comedy even better. when you treat an absurd premise with reality.

ends abruptly though, huh? couldn't think of a better ending? i don't blame you. where do you go from here in a short?

i don't know. but theres gotta be something with a little more closure.

maybe they trap and "kill" the pumpkin. then, CUT TO jeff and the husband all stitched up, both of them enjoying some fresh-from-the-oven pumpkin pie.:D

and you named the husband jack. jack o'lantern? be nice if you work that in more, like maybe in the title somehow.

wenonah
10-20-2004, 11:21 AM
I agree... I wrote this in haste, just to get it out of the way. I can see this going the comedy route - had I spent more time it could be better developed either way.

My husband agreed with the fact that they should have been more scared or leery of the thing in the beginning. I had another one entirely written, but it was in a school (like my first) and I didn't want you all to think I couldn't do something outside a school without kids involved. Maybe I'll post that one next year. ;)

I'm making myself scarce for a while, hanging up the carving knife to take a break. I hope to see a lot more shorts here!

wenonah

ThomasDF
10-27-2004, 02:07 PM
Finally, a nicely written script. It was very smooth and damn good for such a confined short.

I agree with Mr. Goo about them bringing the pumpkin and her holding it. That didn't make sense, but not a big flaw for a first draft. I disagree with him about the ending. It was a very Creepshow ending that was a combination of gore and humor. I'm very partial to Halloween stories that have yuck that makes you laugh.

From reading this I got the impression that you are a very good screenwriter who doesn't make stupid mistakes. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Thomas

tomatobob
10-27-2004, 02:16 PM
Very nice!