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William Haskins
08-16-2003, 08:17 PM
write a scene wherein:

-a man comes home to tell his wife that he's lost his job, and

-the wife has been awaiting his arrival so that she can tell him that she's pregnant with their first child.

i think it'd be interested in seeing the various approaches to this. are they well-off, or will this financially cripple them? do they even want a kid? does the husband drink? the wife? is it a blessing in disguise so he's finally motivated to start that worm farm?

anyway, play if you like...

-william

roscoegino
08-16-2003, 10:38 PM
EXT. INTERSTATE

It's afternoon rush hour. Hot, muggy. The kind of traffic where scores of vehicles get to inch up every five minutes.

Over in the background there is one car that doesn't seem to move at all. A blue Buick. Blarring horns and few curse words from beyond do nothing.

INT. BUICK

BEN TOLIVER is in the driver's seat. Three packed manilla folders, all busting at the seams sit beside him. He's an old forty, meaning his worn, heavily creased features beg otherwise. Tightly gripping the steering wheel, he fails to step on the gas, but then he doesn't even bother to blink either. His water filled eyes are focused dead center, dry lips cracked open. It's as if he's in the Twilight Zone or at least wants to be.

DRIVER (O.S.)
Move, jerk!

Ben breaks out of his trance, haphazardly swings the car left and with that, rams the tail light of the van in front of him. The folders bust open in his lap sending papers flying everywhere. Cursewords get louder. Ben acts as if nothing's happened.

Driver storms out the the van, races up to Ben's window. But Ben's saddened gaze flushes the anger out of guy's face.

DRIVER
Where are you, pal? Are you with us?

Ben merely resumes his stare. Guess the answer is no.

CUT TO:
TELEVISION SCREEN

A movie's on. Looks like a thriller. Some teenager is about to be strangled by a date twice her size. She screams.

We hear chuckling offscreen clearly not related to what's happening on the tube.

INT. LIVING ROOM

LESLIE TOLIVER is the woman whose chuckling has now turned into laughter. She punches the air triumphantly.

LESLIE
Yes!

Then looks at her watch.

LESLIE
Oh come on, honey. What's keepin' you?

EXT. STREET

Blue Buick pulls up into a driveway, crashes into the garbage cans. Instead of stopping, it continues to drag the cans along for the ride.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Leslie jumps out the sofa at the sound, runs like a child on Christmas to the

FRONT DOOR

Where Ben is aching his way up the steps. Leslie's too happy to realize his mood. Whatever she has to say is sure to turn him around. She readies herself. Then:

LESLIE
Honey?

BEN
(looks up, half alive)
Hmm?

LESLIE
Guess what?

Ben sighs, more concerned with getting in the house than mind reading. She blocks him.

BEN
Okay..you're pregnant.

Leslie seizes her husband with a giant hug. No return embrace from Ben. He's stunned. Just stands there like an old tree stump while she invades his face with kisses.

LESLIE
(estatic)
And there's a good chance it may be twins! Do hear that? Twins!

Ben grimaces.

BEN
Aw s**t.

INT. DINING ROOM-LATER

Leslie is still rattling non stop, going on about a brass crib, a stroller, baby shower and who's not worthy enough to be invited. Ben sits helplessly in front of his meal unable to get a word in.

LESLIE (CONT'D)
Marsha's a conniving whore. Minus.

BEN
Honey?

LESLIE
She never invited me to her baby shower. Why should I invite her to mine? And do you realize she had the nerve to..

BEN
Ah, honey?

LESLIE (CONT'D)
..tell everyone I'm out of work. I don't trust that woman. I never did. I mean at least Cathy's been on good terms. She always gives me good tips on how to--

BEN
(pounds the table)
--SHUT UP!!

Leslie jerks back, startled. Ben's red. She trembles a little.

BEN
Do I have your attention? Huh? Or do I have to call the damn doctor again?

Leslie's speechless, nervously fumbles her hands the way she always does when Ben suddenly delivers an outburst.

LESLIE
Wh-what is it?

A tense pause. Ben bows his head, searching for the right words. He mutters. Leslie catiously draws up her chair.

BEN
(gently)
I lost my job, Les. I...I got fired.

Leslie shuts her eyes.

BEN
That son of a bitch, Taylor. Claims me being late cost him the Highland Murray account.

LESLIE
Oh my God. Fired?

BEN
Yes.

LESLIE
But..this can't be.

Ben scans the surroundings, avoids looking at her.

LESLIE
How? Not now. We don't have anything. The lawyers fee, the doctor. All our savings. Gone.

She turns away, sobs. Each tear makes it as hard for Ben to say anything as her chatter earlier.

BEN
I--I don't know if we're ready to bring a child into this.

Leslie stops, sniffles.

LESLIE
Wh-what?

BEN
I don't know.

LESLIE
(wiping her face)
What are you saying?

BEN
I'm saying we're not ready.

LESLIE
You mean..abortion. You mean I should get an abortion?

Ben can't say yes. He doesn't want WWIII. But he can't say no either.

BEN
I'm saying...let's think about it.

At that, Leslie rises. Storms out the dining room.

Ben watches her go and slowly, sadly sinks into his chair.


-ros

pheaktional
08-17-2003, 04:55 AM
william, with all due respect, your premise fails 'cos downer scenes like this should be kept to minimum length and shouldn't stand alone but be given perspective by their resolution (worm farm is not a prospect imo)

on the other hand you give too much guidance that limits the possible outcomes
3 variables along which the story can unfold or take turns: his job, the situation around his wife, and what you ruled out and take as certitude - whether he gets home

but as ever a surprising execution may come along...

TwoBrad Bradley
08-17-2003, 10:23 AM
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

BILL, 28, enters to find MARY, 26, at the stove.

MARY
Sit down dear, I made your favorite ... prime rib.

BILL
We can't afford that.

MARY
You make good money. We owe it to ourselves to celebrate every now and then.

Bill looks around the kitchen.

BILL
And look at all this stuff. Do you always have to buy the newest gadget that comes out?

Mary turns away from Bill.

BILL
It's a good thing we don't have kids. We couldn't afford to feed them.

Mary drops her head, brings her hand to her stomach.

MARY
Bad day at the office?

Bill loosens his tie as he walks out.

MARY
You're not going to eat?

BILL
I'll be in the den ... don't wait up.

iembalm
08-17-2003, 12:21 PM
FADE IN:



INT. MOELLER HOME - NIGHT

FAITH MOELLER, early thirties and glowing with joy, is
hustling around her kitchen fixing the evening meal. No
apron, no bouffant hairstyle, but other than that she could
be in a Stove Top commercial.

She takes a bottle of wine from the pantry, considers it for
a moment, and puts it back.

A car's tires grind into the driveway outside and the kitchen
is illuminated briefly by headlights. Faith walks into the
dining room and quickly lights two table candles. A
saccharine ballad is playing loudly on the stereo.



EXT. MOELLER HOME - NIGHT

The music can be heard from inside. The engine of the only
car in the driveway shuts off and its lights go out.

BILL MOELLER is sitting behind the wheel. Both hands are
close together on the steering wheel, his chin resting on
them. He exhales big.

BILL
(unconvincing resolve)
It's okay....It's all right,
Faith....Faith, it's okay. It's a
blessing really....I'll only take a
year this time, I promise, if I
don't have an agent by then....

He closes his eyes and lowers his forehead to the wheel.



INT. MOELLER HOME

Faith closes her eyes and takes a breath. She's not the
prettiest woman in the world, or even on her block, but when she
smiles you don't think about the others. She's smiling now.

Bill comes in the front door. Faith doesn't see until he
turns around from locking up that he's carrying a large box.
Her smile falters a bit as Bill stands there silently.

The song playing reaches a particularly ironic bit, given the
situation.

FAITH
Oh, Bill.

He sets the box down and opens his arms. As they embrace,
Faith's fear and uncertainty disappear. She pulls back and
grabs his hands.

FAITH
I have news.

Bill looks into the dining room.

BILL
You haven't listened to this music
since high school.

FAITH
I guess I feel like I have my whole
life in front of me again.

She shakes his hands.

FAITH
Bill....we're pregnant! It worked,
I'm going to have a baby. A baby!

Bill, stunned, grabs her shoulders for balance. He can't meet
her eyes.

BILL
Oh, of all the days for me to....

She tilts his chin up and hits him with that smile.

FAITH
It's okay, sweetie. You never
clicked at that job anyway.

She puts his hand on her belly.

FAITH
But you clicked at this one.



INT. MOELLER HOME - LATER

Bill is working at the computer in his den as Faith cleans up
in the kitchen. The music is quieter and more...mature.

FAITH
(O/S)
How about Cole?

BILL
Don't you have a cousin named Cole?

FAITH
(O/S)
Cody?

He single-clicks on an icon called "SCREENWRITING" and drags
it next to the Recycle Bin.

BILL
With a 'C' or a 'K'?

FAITH
(O/S)
What do you think?

After a moment's hesitation, Bill deletes the program. He
double-clicks on another and his resume fills the screen.

BILL
I think....we've got our whole
lives ahead of us.

FADE OUT.

Revisionist
08-17-2003, 08:51 PM
Okay, no length was specified. And when someone did a bunch of separate scenes I figured that was fair game too...

The following is 8 pages and I hope stands on it's own but y'all can be the judge of that.




FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET -- NIGHT

A couple dozen uniformed officers hover behind cars, weapons
drawn, all sights aimed toward the front of a rancher lit up
by floods and red and blue flashers.

A SWAT van careens up, doors slam open and four team members
scramble toward various positions.

Captain LANCE DENNISON, a gray haired, no nonsense gorilla,
eyeballs the situation, taking in the house and the layout
of his officers.

He pulls a radio off his hip and glances toward a SWAT member
as he disappears behind the home.

LANCE
(into radio)
SWAT takes the high ground. You get
a shot, you make it count.

RADIO
Roger. Team one, south and west
sides. Team two's got the leftovers.
(beat)
We're on it. Ten seconds to firing
positions.

An unmarked cruiser pulls up and LOCKLAND PHILLIPS, a scruffy
40, who looks more bum than cop, hops out and jerks his
head around taking in the scene.

He spies a cop out from cover casually leaning on his car.

LANCE
Myers. Get in position. I want
this whole unit spread out in an
inverted V formation.

MYERS
Yes, Sir.

Myers jumps to it and cops move around changing their
positioning. Lock heads straight for Lance.

LOCK
Are they in there?

LANCE
I can't let you in on this one.

Lock gets his face up to Lance, his eyes blaze.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.


LOCK
Are they in there!?

Lance grimaces and nods his head. Lock spins toward his
cruiser and pops the trunk. He whips his jacket off.

LANCE
It's not what you think.

Lock reaches into the trunk and pulls out a orange colored
ball of clay. He lobs it at Lance who deftly catches it.

Lock puts on a flak jacket.

LOCK
C-4. I got it off the same guy who
sold three pounds of the sh!t to
Rick Shaw this morning.

Lance turns the ball in his hands; confused. Then he sees
it. Black felt on the back of the ball reads, THE PARTY
JUST CAME HOME, BUDDY.

LANCE
Jesus. Lock... They're...

Two shoulder holsters join Lock's vest.

LOCK
As good as dead. You got a line
open to the inside?

LANCE
Yeah, but...

LOCK
Dial it.

Lock slams the trunk and they walk over to communications
set up in a marked van. Lance nods to the operator who
punches a button and hands the phone over.

Lock grabs the cell before Lance can even reach.

INT. THE HOUSE (KITCHEN) -- CONTINUOUS

Darkness. A ringing phone. The silhouette of a woman and
young girl, 10, huddled together on the floor. The girl
cries.

This is LORI and DENISE PHILLIPS. Lori cuddles her daughter
and shushes softly as she kisses her head.

Heavy feet cross the kitchen floor. The phone is picked up
by ERIC SHAW, a tower of granite in dapper clothes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.


ERIC
Y... you better have got my stuff.
I swear to...

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET -- CONTINUOUS

Lock's eyes narrow. His teeth grind.

LOCK
Drop the act. I'm here.

INTERCUT LOCK AND ERIC AS NEEDED:

Eric laughs and goes to the girls. He touches the child's
hair. Lori slaps his hand away.

LORI
Leave her alone.

Eric slaps the woman, knocking her down. The girl cries
harder and goes to her mother who sits slowly up.

ERIC
You got my message. I must admit I
had to wallow around in your level
of intelligence to make sure you'd
understand the clues I left. I didn't
like it, Lockland. Do you like being
you? Except for this wife and child
of your's I really can't see why.
But enough of all that. Are your
shooters in position? They are,
aren't they?

Lock pokes his head out and glances at a SWAT member in a
tree.

LOCK
What shooters?

Eric pulls out a small pager like device. He hits a button.

Out on the street four explosions go off simultaniously
blowing at or near the places SWAT took up. The member in
the tree explodes out of it and the oak is left in toothpicks.

Cops take cover lower behind the vehicles.

Eric removes another pager. He fingers the button.

ERIC
Those shooters. Oh, let me guess...
Inverted V formation? Am I right?

Lock darts out from the van toward the cops he just ordered
to move.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.


LOCK
Get the hell out of there!

The officers look shocked as strategically placed explosives
encased in rolls of pennies go off in several locations behind
their position.

The coins punch holes in flesh and cars. Screams are
prevailent. Cops lay moaning and dying.

LOCK (CONT'D)
(into phone)
You son of a bitch.

Eric tosses the remotes on the counter. He wipes his hand
on his shirt.

ERIC
When do I get a negotiator, Lockland?
I so can't wait. Can you guess where
the next bomb is? You can can't
you?

Eric punches speed dial on a cellular he pulls from his
pocket.

On the street Lock has only enough time to close his eyes
with the knowledge of what's coming.

END INTERCUT

INT. POLICE CRUISER -- NIGHT

An OFFICER, in a police jacket talks on the radio.

OFFICER
Keep him talking. Don't agree to
any demands. I'll be there in two
minutes.

The cell on the seat next to him rings. He picks it up.

EXT. POLICE CRUISER -- CONTINUOUS

There's nothing left of the car but a ball of flames.

INT. THE HOUSE (KITCHEN) -- CONTINUOUS

Eric places the cell on the counter with the remotes.

ERIC
Who's that leave, Lockland?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.


EXT. SUBURBAN STREET -- CONTINUOUS

Ambulances pull up. Cops that aren't hurt race to help those
that are. Lance stands in shock appraising the carnage.

Lockland lowers his head.

LOCK
You and me. And them.

INT. THE HOUSE (KITCHEN) -- CONTINUOUS

Eric hunkers down and smiles at the two girls.

ERIC
Yes. And them. What should I do
with them? Rape just isn't my style.
Maybe make love? Hmm, Lockland.
Should I do what you do to your wife?
Should I do it while you read your
little policeman's manual and figure
out what to do next?

INTERCUT LOCK AND ERIC AS NECESSARY:

Lock stares into Lance's eyes, defeated.

LOCK
Put my wife on. I want to talk to
her.

Eric hands Lori the phone.

ERIC
It's for you. Do try to hurry.
I've places to be.

Lori takes the phone in a shaky hand.

LORI
Lock. Get us out of here.

LOCK
Is she okay?

LORI
She isn't hurt. Not yet. But the
baby. He hit me... And...

LOCK
Baby? No. No... don't tell me...

LORI
I found out today. I don't know how
it's doing. He hit me and...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.


Lock grits his teeth.

LOCK
Shh... Honey. Listen. Stay down on
the floor if you aren't already.
Can you do that for me?

LORI
Yes. Just do something.

Eric grabs the phone from her.

ERIC
I've always wanted to have a pregnant
woman, Lockland. I do that while I
wait for you to call the FBI in. Is
that okay? I'll need a few minutes
of privacy so please don't call back
for at least half an hour.

Eric hangs up the phone.

END INTERCUT

Lock stares at the handset. He hands it to Lance.

LOCK
I'm going in there.

LANCE
You know I can't let you do that.

LOCK
Then fire me.

LANCE
It's suicide.

LOCK
Fire me!

The two men stare at each other. Lance nods.

LANCE
Give me your gun.

Lock only stares at him.

LANCE (CONT'D)
Your badge then.

Lock pulls it out of his side pocket and hands it over. He
walks toward the house. He only says one more word...

LOCK
Smoke.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.


Almost on cue several smoke grenades are launched over his
head and hit the front lawn. More smash through windows and
into the rooms of the house.

Lock only walks into and through the smoke as it billows out
from the cannisters. At the front door he fires at the lock
mechanism, kicks the door in and enters.

INT. THE HOUSE (KITCHEN) -- CONTINUOUS

Lock doesn't even pause or try to find cover. He stops in
the living room.

A figure is moving in the kitchen.

ERIC
How very unconventional. I calculate
two minutes as you work your way in
here.

Lock heads straight for the kitchen. He only pauses for a
second at the door more in thought than out of any sense of
fear.

He takes a quick step into the kitchen while bringing his
gun up behind the wall to the left. He places his gun against
Eric's head while smacking another out of the Psycho's grip.

ERIC (CONT'D)
How'd you guess?

LOCK
If you know me so well then you'd
know where to stand while I worked
the room. This is my house. The
clear vantage point for a shot is
this doorway. Left side. Cover her
eyes, Honey.

Lori pulls Denise's face into her lap and covers her ears
with her hands. Lori closes her eyes tightly.

Lock fires and Eric's body drops. He tosses the gun on top
of the corpse.

He goes to his family. They all embrace as he touches them
looking for injuries.

LOCK (CONT'D)
You okay? Are you hurt?

Lori cries into his shoulder and Denise cuddles up.

LORI
We'll be okay. I need to get to the
hospital and have the baby looked
at. Denise should get checked out
too. She was pretty scared.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.


DENISE
I knew Daddy would come. We got our
own book that we go by, right, Daddy?

Lock smiles as he pulls them to their feet. He wraps an arm
around each one and heads for the door.

LOCK
You got it. And don't ever
forget it.
(to Lori)
Honey. Um, this might be bad timing
but... I think I just got fired.
You mind working two jobs?

Lori pushes him and they laugh a little as they exit the
house.


Feel free to blow up at my non conformance to what wasn't really spelt out in rules/guidelines... :D

HConn
08-18-2003, 02:06 AM
I don't normally do exercises, but I've been working on outlines for so long that I need to do a little writing writing.

This is off the top of my head.




INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A tidy little room, as carefully organized as a museum exhibit.

DAISY HASKINS, a brittle, jittery woman in her middle thirties, opens the front door, revealing ARLENE FROST, a gray-iron matron with a gaze that’s blinded by self-assurance.

DAISY
Oh, Mother, I’m glad you’re here.

ARLENE
I can’t walk through you, dear.

Arlene marches into the room and heads for the stairs.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - DAY

Arlene yanks open a drawer in the chest of drawers by the bed and yanks out a pack of condoms. She’s obviously done this before. She immediately begins poking a pin through each packet.

DAISY
Mother, you don’t have to do this.

ARLENE
Someone has to, dear. You can’t let a
man make these kinds of decisions.

DAISY
But Mother–

ARLENE
--Men don’t know what they really want.
That’s why they marry us.

DAISY
You don’t understand. I’m saying you don’t
have to do that any more.

Arlene freezes, mid-skewer. Daisy gently rubs her belly. She watches her mother’s expression, waiting to see if she’s allowed to be happy.

Arlene smiles with joyless triumph.

A door SLAMS downstairs.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

WILLIAM HASKINS (late thirties, rumpled suit and a three-day beard) pours himself a tall whiskey. He hums a happy tune.

Daisy and Arlene enter. William sees Arlene and hides the whiskey behind his back.

WILLIAM/DAISY
Great news! You first.

WILLIAM
I quit my job!

Daisy’s eyes go wide with fear. Arlene’s eyes narrow, as though she’s just seen a pet make a mess on her carpet.

WILLIAM
I finally told old Thorton exactly what
I think of her. You should have seen
her face!

DAISY
Is this a prank, Willy? Please?

WILLIAM
I just couldn’t do it anymore, checking
those little boxes all damn day. I have
scripts in my blood; I have to do it!
(Glances at Arlene)
We can move to L.A. Dclary has a couch for us.

ARLENE
Dclary? Is that a name?

WILLIAM
The dee stands for Daniel, I think. Or
Dominique. Anyway, he or she is a really
close friend. You could get a job at
Starbucks, baby, while I write my scripts.
I’ll finally get to do what I really want.

Arlene holds up her pin. The strip of condoms dangles from the point.

CRASH! The whiskey bottle shatters against the floor.

William’s expression suggests that wasn’t the only thing that just shattered.

INT. DINGHY OFFICE - DAY

THORTON lounges behind her desk. She’s having the time of her life.

William, clean and shaved for once, grovels at his boss’s desk.

WILLIAM
I... I think it was a reaction to
the fish I had for lunch. It was,
um, undercooked and may have... may
have affected me somehow. Perhaps a
brainworm? Of some sort?

Thorton begins shuffling papers. She’s ready to end this.

WILLIAM
(growing desperate)
I mean, a person would have to be sick
to quit his job when his wife is
expecting.

That’s it. His trump card is pity, and he’s just played it.

Thorton gestures toward a chair. Relieved, William sits.

Silence.

Thorton steeples her fingers. She’s going to enjoy this.




:)

StRogue
08-18-2003, 12:23 PM
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

John drops his suit jacket unto the floor. He unloosens his
tie and sits on the edge of the bed. Beth enters from the
bathroom.

BETH
Hey, how was-

JOHN
-don't.

John remains on the edge of the bed, motionless, the silence defening. As Beth nears, John rises.

BETH
Did they-

JOHN
-yes.

BETH
Just like that?

JOHN
After ten years, just like that. What 'bout you?

Beth holds up a pregnacy test apparatus and nods.

JOHN
Now what?

John leans against a wall, head bowed. Beth nears, leans
her back against him.

BETH
Win the lotto?

Their hands clasp together.

Charli

kosmikgurl
08-18-2003, 08:24 PM
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

KATHY, 32, lays on the couch staring expressionless at the TV. A bag of potato chips rests on her protruding stomach.

She slurps the remains of a Super Big Gulp, then tosses the empty cup on the floor as the phone rings.

She does not make a move to get up.

It rings a second time, then a third.

She finally stirs. As she gets up her shirt rides up fully exposing her belly. It is now obvious that she is pregnant.

She waddles across the room and picks up the phone after the sixth ring.

KATHY
Hello?

MAN (O.S.)
Hey honey, it’s me.

KATHY
Mark? Sweety, what’s going on?
I wasn’t expecting you to call
again till tomorrow.

MAN/MARK (O.S.)
Yeah, well, something’s come up
and I’m actually coming home.

KATHY
What? When?

MARK (O.S.)
In about twenty minutes.

KATHY
What do you mean? Where are you?

MARK (O.S.)
I’m at the airport. I just landed.
I’ll explain everything when I get there.

KATHY
But…I don’t understand…oh, oh no, honey listen,
there’s something important I’ve been meaning
to tell you, I just wasn’t really sure how, but
now that you’re on your way I really need to…

MARK (O.S.)
(Cutting her off)
Kathy, whatever it is I’m sure it can wait, alright?
I’ll be there soon.

He hangs up. She continues to hold the phone, listening to the dial tone.

Finally she snaps out of her trance and slowly hangs up the phone.

KATHY
@#%$.

INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Kathy paces nervously by the front door.

Startled, she jumps at the sound of a key in the lock. She runs over and quickly opens the door with the chain still latched.

MARK, 35, appears in the crack.

MARK
Honey? Can you undo the chain?

She shakes her head.

KATHY
No.

MARK
What do you mean? What’s going on?
Open the door.

KATHY
I have to tell you something first.

MARK
Quit playing games Kathy. I just spent
twelve hours on a plane after getting fired
from my job, I’m not really in the mood for
this.

KATHY
But sweety it’s really important I need to
tell you this before… Wait a minute, you lost
your job? What the hell Mark? When exactly were
you planning on telling me this?

MARK
Would you just calm down and let me in?

KATHY
No I will not calm down! What the hell happened?
How could you loose your job? What were you thinking?

She unconsciously shuts the door, unlocks the chain and opens it again.

KATHY (Con’t.)
What the hell did you do?

Mark takes two steps then pauses as he stares at her belly in shock.

MARK
Kathy, you’re pregnant!

KATHY
You’re kidding, I thought I just swallowed a beach ball.

MARK
How? When? But I haven’t been home in a year, how could you be…
Oh my God.

Kathy laughs nervously.

KATHY
Surprise?

FADE OUT.

OtisLovesUs
08-20-2003, 03:53 PM
INT. POD SYSTEM IV - NIGHT

JENICOR XYLOPONDREY strolls through the room in a stunning silver moo moo. She stops at the CHIME of the autopod door outside.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * (to herself)
* * * * It’s about time Mr. big shot.

The main pod door opens, revealing DAVDO XYLOPONDREY, bloodshot eyes--all eight of them, both neckties loosened.

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * Hi. I uh...sorry I’m late.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * Have you been drinking?

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * Yeah. One or two.
* * * * (beat)
* * * * You look, different.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * Different good, or different bad?

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * I don’t know, different different.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * Wrong answer buster.

DAVDO lumbers over to the couch, sits and rubs his foreheads.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * I’m guessing you didn’t get the
* * * * promotion?

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * I don’t know what happened.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * What did you say to him? Did you do
* * * * something to piss him off?

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * After lunch he announced that SIMMS
* * * * was the new Vice President of
* * * * Exploration. He gave me a wink and
* * * * said he had a four o’clock tee time.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * And?

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * And I was told to pack my things up
and leave. I didn’t get the promotion.
I was fired. Now I'm home.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * You little gibsidongle! My father
* * * * told me from the start you only
* * * * had one spine!

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * It wasn’t my fault! Simms must have
* * * * pulled a fast one.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * A fast one? I’ve got your fast one
* * * * right here!
* * * * (beat)
* * * * Do you want to know why I look
* * * * different? Because when you woke up
* * * * this morning you were feeling frisky
* * * * over your "guaranteed" promotion. You
* * * * had to “have a piece of my Milky Way.”
* * * * Well guess what big boy? You knocked
* * * * me up!

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * You’re kidding?

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * Do I look like I’m kidding? I’m
* * * * going to be popping out an egg in
* * * * twelve hours, and by Wednesday we’re
* * * * going to have fourty-two screaming
* * * * brats slithering around here!* * * *

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * But I didn’t know. It wasn’t my fault!

At this, Jenicor opens the locket hanging from her left neck.

* * * * * * * * DAVDO
* * * * No! It wasn’t my fault!

She flips a switch inside the locket, which launches a violent assault of lights and furious BUZZING sounds inside the pod.

DAVDO cringes in horror, screams, then disintegrates.

* * * * * * * * JENICOR
* * * * Gibsidongle.

iembalm
08-20-2003, 04:26 PM
Outstanding.

Wingnut
08-20-2003, 05:13 PM
FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN

SALLY stands in the middle of the kitchen. She’s excited. Watches the door. Then the clock. The door again.

Outside a car pulls into the driveway.

Sally yelps, damn near runs around in a circle.

A car door slams.

Sally reaches into her pocket, pulls something out and holds it behind her back.

The kitchen door opens. JEFF enters. He looks like hell warmed up in a microwave.

SALLY
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Ta-daa!

Sally brings her arms up. She’s holding three home pregnancy tests. All of them positive.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp SALLY
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp You did it, stud! You knocked
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp me up!

Jeff looks at the test sticks. Looks at his wife. She’s so happy.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JEFF
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp We lost a plane today.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp SALLY
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Babe… hello? You see what I’ve
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp got here? Earth to… babe?

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JEFF
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp I lost a plane today.

Realization comes crashing down. Sally’s arms lower to her sides.

Jeff manages a weak, pathetic smile.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JEFF
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Ta-daa.

FADE OUT

Cratsworth
08-21-2003, 12:21 AM
FADE IN:



INT. MONORAIL CAR - MARS - DAY

A MAN is sitting in a nearly empty monorail car as it glides
through the Martian desert. He is smartly dressed in a
business suit and fedora, and although there is plenty of
room to either side of him, his briefcase is resting on
his knees.

He sighs and looks at his watch. It is just after 4 P.M.

The monorail decelerates and the doors open with a hiss when
it comes to a stop.

A woman holds her son's hand as they walk passed the still
seated man.

BOY
Aren't you getting out Mister?

WOMAN
Shh. Hush, Martin.

BOY
Mister?



INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

A compact living space - almost comically compact -- but very
neatly kept. Martian skyscrapers can be seen in the distance
through a picture window.

The sound of the front door hisses and the MAN steps into the
living room. He's still carrying his briefcase and wearing
his fedora.

JOHANNA
(os)
Miles, is that you?

MILES
Yes darling. I've -

JOHANNA
(coming from hallway)
My but you're home early aren't you
dear. It's only twenty past... Is
everything alright?

Johanna walks over to Miles and takes his hat and briefcase
and sets them on the table.

JOHANNA
(beaming and taking his
hand)
It's just as well your home early
dear, I have something to tell you.
Oh look at you... there is
something wrong isn't there? Sit
down and I'll fix you a martini.

Johanna smiles and walks to the kitchen. The unmistakable
klinky sounds of a martini being made come from the kitchen
while Miles sighs and takes a seat at the table.

He opens his briefcase and pulls out a single piece of paper.
The word "TERMINATED" can be clearly seen stamped in big red
letters on the page.

Johanna comes from the kitchen with the martini and a big
smile, but stops in her tracks with a gasp when she sees that
word. On the paper. On the table.

MILES
I was terminated today.

Miles slides the paper away from him, towards Johanna.

Johanna sets the martini down and picks up the notice but
hardly glances at it.

JOHANNA
Miles, what happened?

MILES
Downsizing. My department. Mr.
Bateman said he wanted to keep me
on, but there was just no way.

Johanna sets the paper back on the table and looks away.

JOHANNA
Isn't there anything you could do?

She turns back to Miles.

JOHANNA
(cont)
You could go to Fletcher couldn't
you? He wouldn't let you go if he
knew -

MILES
He was there when they let me go
darling. I'm afraid there's
nothing I can do.

Johanna turns away from Miles again. Her back heaves a
little.

JOHANNA
(sobbing)
But Miles... they'll send us
home... if you're out of work...
and... we'll be deported... be
forced to leave the colony...
and...

Johanna turns back to Miles. Her mascara has run.

JOHANNA
(cont)
...we'll have to go back to
Earth.

She looks Miles in the eye, pleading, but has to turn away
again.

Miles stands up and puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.

MILES
It will be alright darling. I'll
find a job in another firm on
Earth... It's not exactly like
I'll be starting at the bottom
again, and we'll -

JOHANNA
But we can't raise a child on
Earth, that would be so cruel and -

Miles turns Johanna around. Both hands on her shoulders now.

MILES
A child?

FADE OUT.

taurbabe
08-21-2003, 03:29 AM
I liked dwick's the best... it was far out!! :D

Revisionist
08-21-2003, 06:29 PM
Thanks, Taur... :D

Took all of an hour while I dripped popcorn butter all over the keys... Surprised there isn't a ton of typos from my fingers slippin' all over the place... :p

Cratsworth
08-22-2003, 02:09 AM
That was fun. Next?

Culinartist
08-24-2003, 05:11 AM
I posted mine here:

pub130.ezboard.com/fdoned...ID=4.topic (http://pub130.ezboard.com/fdonedealfrm38.showMessage?topicID=4.topic)

TwoBrad Bradley
08-25-2003, 07:33 PM
Very interesting. I note a difference between my submission and everyone else's.

I wrote my one scene without any mention of "lost my job" or "I'm pregnant". I'm not saying it's a great scene, but I'm curious that my approach was so different. I was attempting to create conflict between two interesting characters that can't (or are afraid to) communicate with one another. I wanted them to say what was on their mind through subtext. I wanted to end the scene on unresolved conflict.

Instead of trying to devise a way for the characters to say the truth, I wanted them to avoid it.

Taotropics310
08-26-2003, 11:27 PM
INT. TRAILER HOME - LATE NIGHT

Louella (30's, squirrelly) sits with a glass of milk. She sips the milk. A HOME PREGNANCY STICK sits on the table. She examines the stick again. Puts it back on the table.

She hears singing from outside.

CARL
(O.S.)
"Go down Mo-oses! Let my people go-oo!

Louella dabs her forehead with a handkerchief. CARL (40's, red and fat) squeezes through the door of the trailer. His suit is unkempt, sticking to him like flypaper. He tosses a suitcase on the sofa. It opens, spilling COOKWARE all over the coffee table and floor.

CARL
No more griddles!

Carl chuckles to himself. He wavers - clearly drunk - then steadies himself as he moves to the refrigerator. He rips the plastic off two burritos and puts them in the microwave.

Louella sits, watching him.

CARL
No more stove pots. Collanders. Pyrex casserole trays.
Cookie sheets. Piss-poor wives lying about payments. Get
me a napkin.

Louella rises to fetch him a napkin.

CARL
The gentleman says "you're not a walker, Carl. We need
walkers in our business." I says "I do plenty of walking Ernie
I just don't walk to the places you want me to."

Carl laughs loudly. He then sobers.

CARL
He can have his griddles. No skin off my back. My lot's paid
off til the first. You paid it right?

Louella nods. She half raises her arm, as if asking to speak...

CARL
it's entirely irrelevant. Cause a what I thought of on the
way home. Listen - everybody's afraid of Anthrax, right? in
their mail, right? I'm gonna invent...patent, whatever you
call it - a new kind of envelope. Plastic envelopes. That way
if you got any kind of powder or terrorist substance in there
you can see it so's you know not to open it.

Carl toasts himself on this and sips his beer. He looks at Louella.

CARL
You didn't say nothing about my invention.

Louella opens her mouth to speak. Carl holds up his hand.

CARL
Do you know what your problem is, Louella? Self absorption.
Your head is like a rice steamer that just cooks and cooks on
the same damn food over and over again and you are
therefore addled by your private concerns. Would it have
been so damn hard to comment on my invention, which is
a new concept in the world of office supplies?

Louella's gaze is distant. Carl gets up, irritable, picks up his burritos and prepares to move to the bedroom.

As he passes her, he sees the pregnancy stick on the table.

He picks it up and looks at it. His bleary eyes puzzle on it for a moment.

He then puts it back on the table and squeezes past the curtain into the bedroom where the TV is.

Louella clutches her glass of milk.

She picks up her pregnancy stick.

She drops it in the glass of milk.

END

Revisionist
08-27-2003, 10:02 PM
That was incredible, Tao... thanks for taking part. Loved it...

sc111
08-27-2003, 11:58 PM
FADE IN:

EXT. BROOKLYN TENEMENT HOUSE - DAY

SUPER: 1955

Two OLD MEN sit down on the stoop, puff away at cigars. A couple of BOYS run past them and cut down the alley into

THE BACK YARD.

It's a small plot of dirt and sparse grass crowded with tomato plants, a chicken coop and a wire cage raised up on bricks, inside, a fat white rabbit munches lettuce.

Meanwhile . . .

INT. CRAMPED APARTMENT

The CARDUCCI family sits crowded around a table eating their pasta in omnious silence.

PAPA (55)

thin and nervous, tugs at the frayed collar of his shirt, buttoned up to the top.

MAMA (50),

hefty enough to threaten the front buttons of her house dress, dabs a napkin to her lips like a dainty debutante.

ANGELO (32),

muscled by years of manual labor, scratches at his worn tee-shirt and stares into his plate.

ANGELO
Where's the meat balls?

FRANCESCA (27),

bursts into tears and still manages to look sexy, she's Angelo's wife.

ANGELO
What?

GRANDMA ASSUNTA (O.S.)
Disgraciado!

Everyone turns to . . .

GRANDMA ASSUNTA (75),

peers through the black veil over her a wizened, thin face. She yanks off the veil.

GRANDMA
This never happen in the old country.

MAMA
Shush-a.

PAPA
Don't shush-a my mama.

MAMA
Then you shush-a your mama.
Angelo do nothing wrong. It's
her fault.

Mama points to . . .

Francesca, she cries even harder.

ANGELO
Oh, Dio!

He comforts his wife.

GRANDMA
For once, my fat daughter-in-law
is right.

Mama snaps her head toward Papa, her eyes challenge him.
He sighs, gathers his courage, locks eyes with Grandma . . .

PAPA
Shush-a!

GRANDMA
Ah-fa-napola, she knows she fat.
Everybody knows.

ANGELO
Grandma, please!

GRANDMA
Stupido! If you marry Signora
Passalaqua's daughter like I
want, this never happen.

ANGELO
No. I pick my own wife. This is
America!

PAPA
Ah, sure, but you no have to
work for her father. Why he fire
you?

Angelo shrugs.

ANGELO
I-a, don't know, Papa. One minute
he whistle like a happy man, next
minute, he kick me out.

Finally, Francesca speaks, in perfect English - -

FRANCESCA
There had to be a reason
(pokes him)
Don't you lie, either.

MAMA
My son never lie!

GRANDMA
Your son! Your son!
Your son lie all the time.

MAMA
Then he learned from her,
his American wife.

Francesca bolts from the table, storms into the kitchen. Angelo gets up, slow and dramatic.

ANGELO
I'm gonna get a new job.
Make a-lotta money . . .

Grandma cackles.

ANGELO
And I'm gonna move out of this
house!

He storms into the kitchen. Silence, then . . .

Mama howls. Grandma spits on the floor.

GRANDMA
Poo, disgraciado!

Papa buries his face in his hands.

IN THE KITCHEN

Angelo stands beside Francesca at the stove, she stirs a pot of sauce with a vengence.

ANGELO
I'll get a job, no worry.

FRANCESCA
You don't understand,
the rabbit died.

ANGELO
Then why didn't you cook it?

She slaps his arm.

FRANCESCA
Not that rabbit.

She slaps again, and again . . . she stops, sobs onto his shoulder. Angelo holds her, his mental wheels turn, you can almost hear them squeek. . . finally, he gets it. He strokes her hair.

ANGELO
Shush-a

- - - - -

Die Hard on a Diet
08-28-2003, 11:38 PM
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

MAN and WOMAN sit at the table, picking at their dinner. There's a long silence until...

MAN
I got fired.

Another long silence.

WOMAN
I'm pregnant.

THE END

PipeWriter
08-29-2003, 08:08 AM
I like this entry directly above. Very efficient.

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever written.


INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

In a tiny, humble kitchen, SARAH ELWES; 22 - hefts an old box
onto the table. Giggling, she pulls out some very tiny
knitted slippers. Then a tiny sweater. She GASPS...

A tiny glass slipper. And now a wind-up music box. She twirls
the lever in her hand, it plays a soft mellody. She holds
these items very close, then wipes a tear.

OS, a door slams.

JAKE (O.S.)
Sarah!

She whirls, hides the items behind her.

JAKE ELWES; 25 - enters.

JAKE (CONT'D)
Pack your things. Make it quick.

SARAH
Jake? What's happened?

JAKE
Work got a little crazy this afternoon.
It's going to be tight for a bit, but
we'll make it. We'll be fine. Just fine.
Pack your sh!t. NOW!

Sarah jumps, drops the music box. She scoops it back up.

Jake sees the box on the table, comes close to Sarah, looks
at her.

JAKE (CONT'D)
What's in your hand?

SARAH
Jake, you're scaring me.

JAKE
WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND!

She trembles.

SARAH
Jake, have you been drinking?

He slaps her. Hard.

Sarah hands him the glass slipper.

Jake takes it in his hand, looks at it. Nothing registers for
a long beat. Then it does.

SARAH (CONT'D)
Please Jake. I'll take care of it. You
won't even know it's here. He won't cry.
He'll be a good little boy.

He crushes the slipper in his hand, blood seeping between his
fingers, dripping on the floor.

SARAH (CONT'D)
Oh Jake. Oh Jake. Please, it's all I ever
wanted. I'll love him. With all my heart.
Oh, please. Oh, please. Don't hurt me.

Jake's breathing, loud in our ears.

And now Jake explodes, punches her hard in the gut.

Sarah falls to the floor, her mouth wide open, nothing coming
or going.

JAKE
This is the most irresponsible thing
you've ever done, Sarah. But I'm going to
fix it. I'm going to fix it. Yes, I can
fix this.

Jake grabs her by the hair, lifts her up. She swallows air in
huge gulps. Now he grabs her throat, pulls her across the
floor.

JAKE (CONT'D)
I can fix this. I fixed work. I can fix
this too.

Jake pulls her into the foyer, then up the stairs by the
front door.

SARAH
(barely)
Jake....Jake...

He gets right to the top, then brings her up to look in her
face.

JAKE
Don't worry, Honey. We'll see a doctor
when we get to Memphis. And we'll take a
bucket in the car.

He tosses her down the stairs. She bounces twice.

She cracks onto the floor.

She struggles to move. Trembling. She can move her arms a
little bit. And now her head. She sees the music box lying by
the door. She reaches for it.

SARAH
My baby. Oh my poor baby.

Behind her, Jake walks down the stairs.

JAKE
Get up. We got a long haul.

He waits, but she isn't moving much. He reaches down...

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

We're looking at an old Ford Taurus. Back door open, Sarah
lying on the back seat, bleeding. The door slams shut.

Jake gets into the front, starts the car, drives onto the
street.

LostDogma
09-03-2003, 04:36 PM
Ouch! Jake could fix nothing.

AnconRanger
09-04-2003, 11:41 PM
INT. WARD THREE - DAY

We follow a push broom across a buffed tile floor to the slippered feet of SILAS, forty going on eighty, who is working the jumble from the newspaper comic section. One foot taps to the pleasant piped-in Burt Bacharac music.

The broom stays at his feet. Silas ignores the intrusion into his morning ritual and recrosses his legs. He hopes the crazy bastard will go away.

BENJAMIN, eighty going on forty, stands bent forward in pajamas and taps Silas on the shoulder with a skinny finger.

Silas folds the paper in half and looks up.

BENJAMIN
The test came back positive.

SILAS
The test. Is this good news?

BENJAMIN
It's a miracle. I'm pregnant.

Silas nods and cants his eyes to the orderly on guard in the corner.

SILAS
Is it a boy or a girl?

Benjamin takes off his bifocals and roughly cleans them while simultaneously removing imaginary hair from his face. He shoves the glasses back on.

BENJAMIN
I'm not sure. As long as it's healthy, that's all I want. Can't ask for more than that. That's what they say.

Silas nods, tries to return to his jumble.

Benjamin begins shuffling back and forth. The broom begins to pound on the floor like a jackhammer.

Silas refolds the paper and clears his throat to wake up the orderly. Doesn't work.

SILAS
When's it due?

Benjamin smiles, wipes a tear.

BENJAMIN
In an hour.

Silas nods.

SILAS
I have big news, too.

Benjamin smiles a toothless grin. Waits.

SILAS
Not good news.

Benjamin takes a step to pull over a faraway chair then sits.

SILAS
I got fired from my job.

Benjamin is horrified.

BENJAMIN
I'm sorry.

SILAS
I'm no longer the president of mars.

BENJAMIN
Jesus.

SILAS
Yeah. I just need some alone time to deal with it, okay?

Benjamin nods, stands and grabs his broom. He makes a slow, shuffling, curvy path with it to the next patient.

Silas goes back to his jumble.

ChrisRMeyer
09-07-2003, 10:36 PM
Here's mine. Didn't really think, just typed. Only made minor corrections and changes, other than that it's in it pure raw form.


EXT. MULBERRY STREET - DAY

A quaint slice of suburban America.

Children PLAY, dogs BARK, neighbors CHAT.

A sleek black, Cadillac drives along the street, pulling into:

1901 MULBERRY

A modest two story house.

The Caddy parks.

BRANDON SHUE (30')

Get's out of the car. He's well dressed: suit, tie, 50 dollar hair cut,
etc.

He goes to the trunk.

INT. 1901 MULBERRY - BATHROOM - DAY

JILL SHUE (late-20's)

Check the temp of the running bathwater, then closes the drain.

She hears the FRONT DOOR open.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Is that Daddy? I bet it is. Stay right here, and be
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp still. We want to surprise Daddy don't we? Yes we
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp do!

Jill adjusts her terry cloth robe, then goes to greet her husband.

ENTRY

Jill comes down the stairs just as Brandon muscles a large duffle bag
through the front door.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp We need to get the garage door fixed.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp I called them today. They'll be out first thing
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Tuesday.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Great.

Brandon leaves the bag, going for the bar in the living room.

LIVING ROOM

Brandon pours a half a glass of scotch.

Jill slides up behind him.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp No kiss?
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp I'm sorry babe.

Brandon take Jill into his arms, kissing her sweetly.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON (CONT'D)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Been a hell of a day.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Want to talk about it?
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Maybe later.

Brandon plops down on the sofa.

Jill snuggles next to him.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp I've got a surprise for you.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp That makes two of us.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp You have one?
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Yep.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Mine's a biggie.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Mine's a whopper.

Jill is all smiles, loving the game of "who's is bigger."
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Mine is going to change our lives forever.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Diddo.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Well?
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp What?
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp What's your surprise?

Brandon downs his drink, then:
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Okay. I lost my job.

Jills jaw drops open.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON (CONT'D)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp And that's not the worst of it.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp What's worse then getting fired?

ENTRY

Brandon UNZIPS the duffle bag, the spills out it contents...

BODY PARTS

Body parts to what used to be one complete man.

Jill can't come up with any words to say.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp I wasn't fired. I guess you could say I quit. Now,
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp what was your surprise?

BATHROOM

The tub is nearly filled.

Jill enters first, Brandon follows with his eyes closed.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp A bath? Not really life changing babe.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Just keep your eyes closed.

Jill turns off the faucet. She looks into the tub and a loving smile
crosses her face.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL (CONT'D)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Okay, you can open them.

Brandon does. He sees Jill's smiling face, then looks into the tub...
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Holy @#%$!

Brandon reels back, slamming shut the door.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp You don't like him?
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp BRANDON
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Wha - wha - wha -?

His legs give out on him and he slides to the floor.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp His name is Matthew, you know after my father. Say
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp hi, Matthew!

A GURGLE and a GROWL answer back.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL (CONT'D)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Good boy. Brandon, come say hi to your son.

Somehow Brandon manages to make his way to the tub.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp JILL (CONT'D)
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp There we are. One big happy family, right honey?

Brandon manages to nod 'yes'.

matrixchick
09-14-2003, 07:18 PM
INT. BATHROOM -- DAY

Jess glares at the plastic strip in disbelief.

JESS
No!

She tosses it in the trash, storms into the

BEDROOM

She paces the room a few times, grabs the phone, dials. It rings. She slams the receiver down in sudden panic.

She paces the room some more, bites her nail, cries a little, then races into the

BATHROOM

She lifts the the cover of the toilet tank, pulls out a bottle of vodka, gulps it down.

Relief washes over her face. She drinks some more.

INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

Jess paces the living room, biting her nail, her gait staggered, her expression tense.

She catches a glimpse of her wedding picture, freezes, staring at it. Teary eyed, she sits on the couch, glances at her watch. 10:38 PM.

Lights shine through the window. She races to it, peeks outside, wipes her tears as she adjusts her clothes.

Jess sits on the couch, wears a calm face.

The door opens. Jack saunters inside.

JESS
Another late night at the office?

JACK
Don't worry. It'll be the last.

JESS
Why's that?

JACK
I got fired.

Jess leaps off the couch, following him into the

KITCHEN

JESS
You what?

JACK
Fired, Jess. Fired. You do know what that is, don't you?

He pulls open the refrigerator door, pulls out fixings for a sandwich.

Jess watches him throw it together as if he could care less.

JESS
I don't understand. Why were you late if --

JACK
(angry)
Could you not nag me for one night? Is that too much to ask?

She bows her head, stands silent.

JACK
What?

She shakes her head.

JACK
You planning on standing there the whole night?

She shakes her head, rushes down the hall, into the

BATHROOM

She slams the door, locks it, pulls the lid off the tank and gulps down more vodka.

She slides to the floor in tears, hugging the bottle.

jpfinn
10-14-2003, 10:27 AM
Revisionist, great stuff man! Great stuff.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and sugget that perhaps you're an Action writer? It's "Die hard in the Suburbs." If you put something together like this at the Screenwriting Expo writing tournament, you'd get noticed.

This is the type of stuff that people in Hollywood die for (no pun intended). Why? Because it rents and rents well.

Revisionist
10-26-2003, 02:53 PM
Thanks, amigo... I'm just another struggling voice trying to find my way... |I

I'm too far away for the Expo, but this may be a good thing in that the farther from the contests I am, the more I have to push to create something unique and not rely so much on contacts I may or may not make...

Architeuthis Dux
10-27-2003, 01:33 AM
INT: TRAILER -- NIGHT

WADE, 37, shuffles in, opens the fridge, grabs a Bud, plops heavily into a chair, and sucks back a huge drink.

He takes off his greasy Butler Propane hat and thows it on the floor, and runs a hand through his mullet. He slumps in the chair, closes his eyes, and rubs his temples.

LOUELLA, 26, walks in. She is barefoot, and holding a pregnancy test. She looks at him and puts her hand over her abdomen. They look at each other for a long moment.

WADE
Sh!t.

sh537
12-28-2003, 07:37 PM
Hello all -
I am an occasional lurker, who really likes the idea of the writing exercise forum. Thanks to whoever started it. And, an extra special thanks to the scribe who posted the formatting for idiots guide.

sh



EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - LATE AFTERNOON

Near the Santa Monica Pier. He walks out of the theatre,
looks at his watch. The light blinds his eyes. Difficult to
read the time.

EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER - LATE AFTERNOON

He sits on a bench, watches the sand blow in the wind. A
seagull lands on the railing in front of him.

He looks at his watch -

And gets up.

INT. CAR - EVENING

He reshuffles the files in his briefcase.

Then, sits in his car.

INT. HOUSE - EVENING

She's in the house, making everything pretty - putting things
away, lighting candles, playing soothing music.

She checks the clock, runs upstairs.

HER
Oops.

She slows down - walks up the stairs.

INT. BATHROOM - EVENING

She undresses, checks herself in the mirror.

She pushes out her belly -

HER
Yuck.

Pushes her boobs together and up -

HER
Now we're talking.

She steps into the shower.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

He walks in, picks up the paper, starts to read.

HER (O.S.)
Honey, is that you?

He sets his bag down, plops down on the couch.

HIM
Yeah.

HER (O.S.)
How was your day?

HIM
Usual.

HER (O.S.)
I'll be out in a little bit.

HIM
Take your time.

He loosens his tie and takes off his shoes, continues to
read.

She runs out, in her towel.

HIM
Hey… You're all wet.

She sits on his lap.

HER
So are you now.

HIM
This is a good suit.

HER
Oh, honey. I'm just happy to see
you.

HIM
I know. I know, but you're getting
my paper wet.

He pushes her off, then gets up.

HER
You wanna beer?

HIM
Sure.

He goes into the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - EVENING

He sits on the toilet - but he's not going. The lid is down.
He sits for a while, then flushes.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

He walks in. She hands him a beer. She takes a sip ginger
ale and smiles at him.

HIM
What's this?

HER
It's a beer.

She clinks his bottle with hers.

HIM
A Bass beer. You know I don't
drink this stuff.

HER
I know, but I wanted to splurge.

HIM
I'm happy with PBR.

She kisses him.

HER
Let me do something nice for you.

HIM
Well, you shouldn't.

HER
I should.

HIM
When you start earning a paycheck
then you can decide what beer I
drink.

She pulls away, looks him over.

Then, she goes into the bathroom and slams the door.

He picks up his paper -

Sits down in a chair -

Tries to read -

Can't focus.

throws the paper.

INT. BATHROOM - EVENING

She sits on the toilet, crying. An ad for baby food stares
at her.

HIM (O.S.)
Honey...

She rips the ad out of the magazine.

HIM (O.S.)
Honey, I'm sorry.

HER
It's okay.

HIM (O.S.)
No, it's not. I just lost my
temper. I'm really sorry.

HER
You didn't notice.

HIM (O.S.)
What?

HER
I was drinking ginger ale.

HIM (O.S.)
So?

She opens the door.

HER
So... I pulled out a beer for you
and a ginger ale for me.

HIM
Are you on a diet? You don't need
to be...

She walks past him, to -



INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

HER
You are such a jerk sometimes.

HIM
What did I do?

HER
If you took your nose out of these
files once in a while.

She pulls the files out of his briefcase.

HIM
They're mine.

HER
You treat them like china. They
won't break.

HIM
Don't you dare.

She throws them in the air. The files fall to the ground.

Each one is EMPTY.

HER
What happened to your papers?

HIM
There are no papers... Anymore.

She falls down on the folders.