It is stereotypical. I'm becoming it though. Really, really fake. The thing is, I don't feel like that's normal Hollywood. I feel like that's wannabe Hollywood. Insecurity in your creative life seems to translate to being a fake, stupid person. Just a couple of years ago, I could spot these people from a mile away. Whether they were actors, writers, models, etc, you could tell if someone was trying to be your friend for what you could do for them as opposed to just- ya know - being a friendly person. These people clearly were hoping for someone else to make them successful and I easily stigmatized the absent minded fake approach to all they were doing.
Now though, I am becoming/living it. I am endlessly concerned about what others think of me and I feel like every mistake could be the end of the world. I am finally coming to the conscious realization that I am everything I found annoying and bad a short time ago. I'm not looking for meaningful relationships. I'm instead trying way too hard to achieve natural interaction with the hope that it will lead somewhere.
The hardest part about it... nobody can tell me it! I love the people I work with, but they are all that way too. I no longer have a naturalistic, normal (you know what I mean) standard to compare myself to by which to objectively say "this is what it means to be yourself."
This loss of naturalism of course affects my writing as it has my intellect. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that under this current mentality, I will not be able to write anything worthwhile. My genius script idea ceased to be genius when I decided it was genius and that's why it remains unwritten. I'm too attached to what the hypothetical success of the script will get me and I no longer care about the message. That doesn't mean I can't eventually write it, it just means I need a major subconscious shift in approach. The problem is though, I know that too. So if I'm constantly trying to shatter that, aren't I not going to be able to?
I'm starting to lose my mind and my humanity. Please help me find it again.
Now though, I am becoming/living it. I am endlessly concerned about what others think of me and I feel like every mistake could be the end of the world. I am finally coming to the conscious realization that I am everything I found annoying and bad a short time ago. I'm not looking for meaningful relationships. I'm instead trying way too hard to achieve natural interaction with the hope that it will lead somewhere.
The hardest part about it... nobody can tell me it! I love the people I work with, but they are all that way too. I no longer have a naturalistic, normal (you know what I mean) standard to compare myself to by which to objectively say "this is what it means to be yourself."
This loss of naturalism of course affects my writing as it has my intellect. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that under this current mentality, I will not be able to write anything worthwhile. My genius script idea ceased to be genius when I decided it was genius and that's why it remains unwritten. I'm too attached to what the hypothetical success of the script will get me and I no longer care about the message. That doesn't mean I can't eventually write it, it just means I need a major subconscious shift in approach. The problem is though, I know that too. So if I'm constantly trying to shatter that, aren't I not going to be able to?
I'm starting to lose my mind and my humanity. Please help me find it again.
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