Normally, I wouldn't pay this much mind, but I had two readers who recently criticized me for lines that have otherwise flown under the radar. Here are a few examples (out of many) with the names and situations altered to protect the guilty.
Context: Happy-go-lucky Tim confides to Sarah that he attempted suicide.
My line for her reaction: "Sarah's stomach flips."
Criticism: I can't see a stomach flip. Describe facial expressions.
Context: John has been pining for Brooke. Talking to her on the phone, he finally gathers the courage to lay all his cards on the table. Her reply does not come immediately.
Line: "A pause that's killing him."
Criticism: What does “A pause that’s killing him” look like? Faces, dude.
Context: Nicky failed to recover a flash-drive from a VIP's penthouse. Bourne's hidden in the house.
Lines: EXT. CITY STREET
Nicky frantically punches out a text...
INT. PENTHOUSE
Off the text, Bourne zeroes in on the flash drive.
Criticism: "Off the text" implies. SHOW what we see that tells us this.
I can think of ways to improve each of these, especially the last one, so I'm grateful my attention has been drawn to them, but I think each has a visual component suited for screenwriting. Are these descriptions insufficiently concrete?
Context: Happy-go-lucky Tim confides to Sarah that he attempted suicide.
My line for her reaction: "Sarah's stomach flips."
Criticism: I can't see a stomach flip. Describe facial expressions.
Context: John has been pining for Brooke. Talking to her on the phone, he finally gathers the courage to lay all his cards on the table. Her reply does not come immediately.
Line: "A pause that's killing him."
Criticism: What does “A pause that’s killing him” look like? Faces, dude.
Context: Nicky failed to recover a flash-drive from a VIP's penthouse. Bourne's hidden in the house.
Lines: EXT. CITY STREET
Nicky frantically punches out a text...
INT. PENTHOUSE
Off the text, Bourne zeroes in on the flash drive.
Criticism: "Off the text" implies. SHOW what we see that tells us this.
I can think of ways to improve each of these, especially the last one, so I'm grateful my attention has been drawn to them, but I think each has a visual component suited for screenwriting. Are these descriptions insufficiently concrete?
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