Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

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  • Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

    For those who haven't followed what's gone down, here's some context. I posted a blog entry a few weeks ago where I challenged anyone on Done Deal to a writing contest in the vein of Iron Chef America or Throwdown with Bobby Flay.

    I was really thrilled when Jeff Lowell volunteered to challenge me for a chance to win a voucher for a free drink at Starbucks. I felt it'd be a unique battle if we both were forced to adapt a short story from Popcorn Fiction run by Derek Haas. In particular, we chose this story.

    Both samples were written in about an hour. And luckily, we both took completely different angles to this story. Without further ado, here they are.

    Just a small note: I had to edit the obscenities to "phuck" and "phag" to bypass the DD auto-censor.

    SAMPLE A:

    Code:
    EXT. CENTURY BLVD - DAY
    
                   A parking lot shared by a strip mall with a payday loan
                   center, a liquor store, and a laundromat on one side and...
    
                   ...a 24 unit MOTEL COMPLEX that's as decrepit and hopeless as
                   its tenants who waste their lives.
    
                   ON THE SECOND FLOOR
    
                   We move from one unit to the next. Sabado Gigante blares from
                   Unit 12 with a Mexican family of eight packed inside. 
    
                   GRUNTS and MOANS of cheap, ugly sex from Unit 13. Then--
    
                   BETH hurries out of Unit 14 with her cart of cleaning
                   supplies. Beth could've been a singer or a teacher. Or
                   perhaps even a nurse. But somehow she ended up here.
    
                                       RONALD (O.S.)
                             I'd pay, of course. I always pay my
                             models.
    
                   RONALD, old enough to be her father's older friend, steps
                   out. At his age, the pudge around him and the bald patches on
                   his head look dignified. Plus, he has an easy smile.
    
                                       BETH
                             Yeah, I'm no model. 
    
                   She smiles to alleviate the awkwardness. A beat.
    
                   Finally remembering, Ronald walks back into his studio unit
                   filled with portraits of nude women in idle poses. He reaches
                   into his dresser and pulls out a roll of twenties.
    
                   He walks around an easel with an unfinished portrait of a
                   corpulent woman whose rolls of fat cover her genitals. 
    
                                       RONALD
                             I almost forgot to pay you. Good
                             thing I made it to the bank today.
    
                                       BETH
                             It's only ten dollars. But you keep
                             the place so clean I don't--
    
                                       RONALD
                             I insist.
    
                   Ronald places two twenty dollar bills on her palm. And holds
                   on to her hand just a little too long. Then he lets go.
    
                                       RONALD
                             Well, thank you for coming. I'll
                             see you next week?
    
                                       BETH
                             Yeah, sure.
    
                                       RONALD
                             You're a beautiful woman, Beth.
                                 (locks eyes with her)
                             I hope I didn't make you
                             uncomfortable.
    
                                       BETH
                             No. Of course not. 
                                 (selling her smile hard)
                             I'll see you next week. Ronald.
    
                   Beth pushes her cart toward the stairwell, not daring to look
                   back. Keep walking, Beth. You're almost there.
    
                   When she finally reaches the stairs, she peeks back to see
                   the door on Unit 14 closed. A slight look of disappointment.
    
    
    
                   INT./EXT. UNIT 1 - DAY
    
                   Beth pushes her cart to the door that reads "BUILDING
                   MANAGER." She looks up toward Unit 14 one last time. The door
                   remains closed but the curtain moves ever so slightly.
    
                                       JAKE (O.S.)
                             Tit for tat. I'll show you my tats
                             if you show me your--
                                 (laughs)
                             Yeah. You know it.
    
                   Anger boiling inside her, Beth throws open the door.
    
                   JAKE bolts up his seat, grabs a remote, and turns on the TV.
    
                                       JAKE
                                 (loud into the phone)
                             I'll check that out. Thank you for
                             calling.
                                 (hangs up fast)
                             The wigger in seven has a leak.
    
                                       BETH
                             I didn't ask.
    
                   Beth shoves the cleaning cart into the closet.
    
                                       JAKE
                             You're back fast. Were you in the
                             phaggot's apartment?
    
                                       BETH
                             He's not a phag. He was married.
                                 (off his indifference)
                             He paints women, you know. Naked.
                             Beautiful models. Actresses.
    
                                       JAKE
                             So what? A guy paints apples.
                             Doesn't mean he phucks them.
    
                   Jake plops himself on the couch and watches baseball.
    
                                       BETH
                             He wants to paint me. 
                                 (Jake raises TV volume)
                             He said I was beautiful. I'm going
                             to pose for him. Naked. Shaved.
    
                   He clenches his teeth and approaches. She knows what's next.
    
                                       JAKE
                             You'd better phucking not.
                                 (grabs her arm)
                             I'm not kidding, Beth.
    
                                       BETH
                             Maybe I'll even phuck him to find
                             out if he's a phag. Right after I
                             stop by number seven to see how
                             that leak's going.
    
                   SLAP. Jake hits her full in the face. She doesn't care.
    
                                       BETH
                             Maybe you ain't screwin' someone
                             else. 
                                 (another SLAP)
                             Maybe you're screwin number seven.
                             Maybe you're the phag.
                                 (SLAP, SLAP)
                             Maybe you're so damn drunk you
                             can't get it up anymore for me or--
    
                   Jake HITS her. The first punch hurt. Second punch, too. But
                   each punch hurt less and less until Beth becomes numb to the
                   pain. He pushes her to the ground.
    
                   She curls up in a fetal position, bracing for a kick. But he
                   steps over her and enters the KITCHEN. He grabs a beer.
    
                   He steps over Beth again, sits down, and watches the Dodgers
                   blow a goddamn ninth inning lead to the motherphucking Giants.

    SAMPLE B:

    Code:
      EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - POOLSIDE - DAY
    
                Two guys in their 60s (RONALD and BILLY), sit by the debris
                strewn pool in an apartment complex that's well past its
                prime.  They look up as BETH comes out of an apartment on the
                second floor.
    
                Beth's early 20s, with a killer body and a face that'll do. 
                She's carrying a box of cleaning supplies, waves down at the
                guys.
    
                                    BETH
                          Hey, Ronald.  Billy.
    
                The guys wave in return, wait for her to get out of earshot.
    
                                    BILLY
                          Man, I'd like a piece of her.
    
                                    RONALD
                          Good luck with that.
    
                                    BILLY
                          Like you could do any better.
    
                                    RONALD
                          Oh, I could get her.  I'd just pull a
                          Hefner.
    
                                    BILLY
                          The only thing you pull is your pud.
    
                                    RONALD
                          You don't know the Hefner, do you?  A
                          guy as ugly as you, you really should
                          know it.
    
                                    BILLY
                          All right, genius.  What's is it?
    
                                    RONALD
                          Hugh Hefner's a guy that proves no
                          matter how old and wrinkled your ass
                          is, you got enough money and you can
                          nail anyone.
    
                                    BILLY
                          You ain't got Hefner money.  You ain't
                          got McDonalds money.  
    
                                    RONALD
                          I'm not gonna marry her.  I don't have
                          to have the money - she just has to
                          think I do.  It's all about the story.
    
                INT. JUNK STORE - DAY
    
                The sign on the door may say "ANTIQUES," but it's all just
                crap that no one wants.  Ronald sorts through a stack of bad
                amateur art.  He sets aside all the nudes.
    
                                    BILLY (V.O.)
                          You tell whatever story you want,
                          you're living in an apartment building
                          filled with winos and ex-cons, and you
                          ride the bus to get your lottery
                          tickets.
    
                                    RONALD (V.O.)
                          That's why it's a story, my good man.
    
                INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - DAY
    
                Ronald's scattered the paintings around his apartment.  He's
                talking to Beth while she cleans.
    
                                    RONALD
                          I'm a pretty well known artist.  I'm a
                          rich man.  I could buy this building
                          and ten like it and never notice the
                          money was gone.
    
                EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - POOLSIDE - DAY
    
                                    BILLY
                          No way.  Girl like her's heard a
                          thousand lines of bullshit.
    
                INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - DAY
    
                He's sitting on his bed with a bank deposit book in his hand,
                writing in it.
    
                                    RONALD (V.O.)
                          That's where we need proof.
    
                                    BILLY (V.O.)
                          But there is no proof because you're
                          flat ass broke.
    
                                    RONALD (V.O.)
                          It's not real proof.  It's a lie -
                          fake bank receipts, something like
                          that.
    
                CLOSE ON the deposit book - Ronald's switching between
                different colored pens and filling in larger and larger
                numbers.
    
                EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - POOLSIDE
    
                                    BILLY
                          Why would she believe it?
    
                                    RONALD
                          Because I don't show it to her.  She
                          finds it.
    
                INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - LATER
    
                Beth's alone in the apartment.  She pulls his bankbook out of
                his dresser, looks at it.  Can't believe what she's seeing.
    
                                    BETH
                          Three million, four hundred twenty two
                          thousand, five hundred and twelve. 
                          Three million.  Four hundred twenty
                          two thousand.  Five hundred and
                          twelve.
    
                EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - POOLSIDE - DAY
    
                                    BILLY
                          And then you bang her.
    
                                    RONALD
                          Not quite yet.
    
                INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - DAY
    
                Beth's posing naked on the bed, while Bill dabs inexpertly at
                a canvas in front of him.
    
                                    RONALD (V.O.)
                          I get her to where I could bang her,
                          but I don't.  Now she knows I'm not
                          feeding her a line of bullshit to phuck
                          her.  Now she'll do anything to get
                          me.
    
                EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - POOLSIDE - DAY
    
                Billy shakes his head.
    
                                    BILLY
                          I'll be damned.  That might actually
                          work.  You gonna do it?
    
                INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - DAY
    
                Ronald's alone in his apartment, wiping the paint off his
                hands.
    
                                    RONALD (V.O.)
                          I just might.  
    
                There's a knock at the door.  Ronald smiles - show time.
    
                                    RONALD (V.O.)
                          Because I gotta tell you - you do it
                          right, and it's foolproof.
    
                Ronald opens the door.  But it's not Beth - it's her huge,
                pissed boyfriend, JAKE.  And he's holding a wrench.  
    
                He pushes Ronald back into the apartment and slams the door
                as we...
    
                                                                   FADE OUT.

  • #2
    Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

    This post is where I'll tally the votes. Since it'll be a logistical nightmare to tally everyone's vote, I want to count only the votes of DD moderators of the Advanced Script Pages (mods+admins+the writers) and writers who are in the WGA guild. But I'd love to hear everyone's comments since Jeff and I both took completely different approaches in the adaptation.

    SAMPLE A: some lint.

    SAMPLE B: Johnson, Todd Karate, jimjimgrande, sarajb, Derek Haas

    Was waiting for my mom to vote the tiebreaker since it's SO CLOSE. Sadly, she voted for SAMPLE B. Winner is JEFF LOWELL!


    Btw, you guys can comment all you want. I just want to keep the voting itself manageable. Also, please visit Popcorn Fiction. There are so many amazing stories posted there by many fabulous writers.
    Last edited by Hamboogul; 04-09-2011, 01:23 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

      I'm neither a DD moderator nor a WGA member, but you said you wanted other opinions. I vote for B. Among other reasons, I found Jake showing up with a wrench much more succinct than all the dialogue from Jake in sample A. BTW, I did not read the story from which these were adapted and don't know if that would've made a difference in my choice.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

        I don't think it's necessary for you to read the short stories. That being said, the source material had such richness that it's worth reading regardless.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

          Jeff's original story is really well told. Great stuff.

          I thought it would be easy to tell who wrote which sample, because I've read enough of Boog's work, but I gotta say I can't tell. They are both pretty good.
          Screenwriting is like stripping. You don't just dump your clothes on the floor. You tease as you go. And then you get screwed in a back room for money. - Craig Mazin

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

            Okay, I went back and read the original short story, and now I'm sure that sample B was written by Jeff. I'll be very surprised if I'm wrong.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

              I gotta roll with B on this one. Just a fluidity to the conversation that gives you a complete arc in a short span. We know almost nothing about Ronald in sample A... But sample B tells us sooooo much.

              Also, even though they are drawn very differently... I feel like I know more about who Beth is as a person from sample B. Then I do about the Beth in sample A....

              See a theme... It's not the dialogue, it's not the story... IT'S THE CHARACTERS... They sing in sample B. They talk in sample A.

              And because the characters are well drawn, their dialogue flows better. Their actions are more concise, clear and entertaining. And all that adds up to a scene that (for me) is much more interesting.

              That's my vote... FWIW.

              I am WGA if you want to count my vote.
              If you do member look up.. either Joe or Joseph R. Johnson work.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                B SO kicks A's ass.

                It isn't even funny. It's like... not fair.

                Yo, Jeff. I'll [redacted] for that Starbuck's voucher. Not yours, obviously. But, you know, whomever's you choose.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                  I'm not giving away which is which, but I do want to say one thing: I think Hamboogul did a great job with his, and I also think he gave himself a big handicap - I knew the characters already.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                    I recall reading this story on Popcorn fiction. starting with my favorite:

                    Sample B.

                    I prefer this one because it includes the fake bank statement twist, which I really liked in the short story. Also, the characters felt more "real" to me. Nice ending, too. I liked putting the focus on Ronald -- him thinking he's so slick -- the touch with buying cheap paintings was really good. A wanna-be Hefner who never considered alternative outcomes to his master plan.

                    Although both are written well, I felt the writing in choice B flows much better than ...

                    Sample A.

                    It seemed a bit too Lifetime movie/abused woman for my tastes. Then it got further melodramatic with Beth's dialogue as she's being beaten by Jake -- it felt too "heard it before," IMO. Also, there was a switch to an interior shot of Ronald's room without a slugline or mini slug. I got lost for a second there. Ronald was "neither here nor there" as a character in Choice A. I didn;t feel like he was a person but rather a catalyst for the fight between Beth and Jake. And Jake felt like "abusive husband" straight out of central casting.

                    Bottom line:

                    IMO Choice B would be far more intriguing on the screen and felt "fresh."

                    Whereas, with Choice A, I got the feeling the writer was more concerned about how his writing read on the page.

                    Yet, he gave far less consideration to how many times we've seen the "woman getting beaten as she antagonizes her man with insults" scene in movies.

                    Sorry, writer A.
                    Advice from writer, Kelly Sue DeConnick. "Try this: if you can replace your female character with a sexy lamp and the story still basically works, maybe you need another draft.-

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                      I think B feels like a complete story. I could picture it as a short film. But A feels like a bunch of dialogue which is unresolved.

                      But it seems a little unfair that a short story by Jeff was chosen. It would've been a more even playing field if the short story was written by neither of them.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                        I haven't earned the right to vote yet, so I'll just comment.

                        I really liked Jeff's story when I read it quite awhile back.

                        Sample A seemed a straight forward adaptation that ends abruptly before the rest of the real story takes-off.

                        Sample B takes-off from the original and creates something different and more intriguing, with a little twist ending of its own.

                        I preferred B because, within the context of the limited pages, it was more satisfying, entertaining, and didn't have the ugly violent scene.

                        Thanks for doing this, Ham and Jeff. (A new sandwich.) Very edutaining.

                        "The Hollywood film business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." Hunter S Thompson

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                          Originally posted by lobster View Post
                          I think B feels like a complete story. I could picture it as a short film. But A feels like a bunch of dialogue which is unresolved.

                          But it seems a little unfair that a short story by Jeff was chosen. It would've been a more even playing field if the short story was written by neither of them.
                          It was my idea to choose that story. Because I wanted to see what we'd both write in one hour. Also, I wanted to see how different our takes would be. And as you can see, both takes are vastly different.

                          To address cshel, the pages didn't have to be a self-contained story. The parameters were just "Let's adapt this as if it could be turned into a feature. And see where it goes."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                            Originally posted by Hamboogul View Post
                            It was my idea to choose that story. Because I wanted to see what we'd both write in one hour. Also, I wanted to see how different our takes would be. And as you can see, both takes are vastly different.

                            To address cshel, the pages didn't have to be a self-contained story. The parameters were just "Let's adapt this as if it could be turned into a feature. And see where it goes."
                            I'm confused. You used lobster's quote. At any rate, I didn't think the story had to be self-contained. But in a sense they were.
                            "The Hollywood film business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." Hunter S Thompson

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                              Oh, while I was replying, I noted you posted. So I lumped the two to save myself an extra post. But now that I'm explaining, it defeats the purpose!!!! Haha.

                              Just so everyone's clear. I felt that I gave this my best effort. So win or lose, I have no excuses.

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