Balls...

[1mper1um]

I am trying to write the following scene, have tried full slugs, mini slugs, no slugs and I am just at a loss. I don't care for supposed rules of format, I just want to relay the info in the most elegant and concise manner.

The scene is set in the lobby of a hotel. At the end of the lobby is a staircase which is walled (iie: no railings that you can see through).

In the lobby, a murder takes place. A person on the stairs peeks round and watches. The murdererlooks up and the stair person pulls back out of view. The murderer walks over to the staircase whilst the person on the stairs pins against the wall trying to stay out of view. The murderer stops when just a foot away from passing the wall and seeing the person behind it.

Now though I loo to avoid direction, it is key to break it down into the the varying viewpoints as the scene plays out. Thus it switches back and forth between the two locales and shots. Especially of the person on the stairs in close up as in the background, the murderer steps closer and closer to the point where he is almost on top of her.

However I am finding that any kind of slugs inteferferes and breaks the flow whilst I fear no slugs will not make things clear enough.

Cheers in advance.

[Why One]

Personally, I might incorporate mini-slugs using the characters' names minus the line breaks. Something like this:

Beth hears a SCREAM and rushes to the stairwell
balcony.

DOWN BELOW

On the lobby floor, a MURDERER hovers a dead body.
Senses a presence above him and looks up.

BETH immediately steps back out of view. Did he see
her?

MURDERER heads to to stairwell. Begins his ascent.

BETH stays pinned against the wall, not wanting to move.

MURDERER reaches the top of the stairs. Scans the area.
Beth is nowhere to be seen.

BETH is actually squeezed up against a doorway, hand
over her own mouth, trying to silence panicking breaths.

etc...

Hopefully it does the business.

[F.Scott.Frazier]

Originally Posted by Why One

Personally, I might incorporate mini-slugs using the characters' names minus the line breaks. Something like this:

Beth hears a SCREAM and rushes to the stairwell
balcony.

DOWN BELOW

On the lobby floor, a MURDERER hovers a dead body.
Senses a presence above him and looks up.

BETH immediately steps back out of view. Did he see
her?

MURDERER heads to to stairwell. Begins his ascent.

BETH stays pinned against the wall, not wanting to move.

MURDERER reaches the top of the stairs. Scans the area.
Beth is nowhere to be seen.

BETH is actually squeezed up against a doorway, hand
over her own mouth, trying to silence panicking breaths.

etc...

Hopefully it does the business.

That's exactly what I was going to suggest. Mini-Slugs based around character names rather than location. As long as you've set up the staging of the scene in advance of the beat, that would be the best way to get the information across in my mind.

[1mper1um]

Cheers guys. Appreciated mucho.

[ComicBent]

Capitalizing the Character Name in the action does not make the line or paragraph a slug line or mini-slug. It just makes someone think that you continued to capitalize the name after the first appearance of the character.

You can do what you did without the capitals. You do not have to break the script down into the various shots. Just imply them by clearly showing what the audience will see.

I would not worry so much about the "flow" of the text. Anyone who is put off by some mini-slugs ought to be reading something besides a film script. In fact, I always hold writers in greater esteem when they display good visual sense. As I said, though, you can do this without mini-slugs in your particular scene.

[F.Scott.Frazier]

Originally Posted by ComicBent

Capitalizing the Character Name in the action does not make the line or paragraph a slug line or mini-slug. It just makes someone think that you continued to capitalize the name after the first appearance of the character.

I just assumed that was a formatting issue with the example text. I'd do each mini-slug as its own line, and pace the read of the action so it matches the pace / tension of the scene.

[jcgary]

Originally Posted by ComicBent

Capitalizing the Character Name in the action ... just makes someone think that you continued to capitalize the name after the first appearance of the character.

Baloney. It makes the reader think you're emphasizing the character, which is exactly what you want to do.

Asa screenwriter, you have many tools in your toolbox. Capitalization is just one of them. Carriage returns, white space, punctuation, and underlining are some others.