Formatting - group of 4 splits, then re-joins

[Manchester]

I'm looking for slugline formatting help. I have a scene on the sidewalk outside a store. Here's the current formatting:

EXT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY

1. There are 4 people. Joe, Sam, 2 others. They talk.
2. Joe gets a phone call, then wanders off to handle it.
3. Sam and the 2 others continue to talk.
4. Joe waves to Sam to join him.

ON JOE

1. Sam joins Joe.
2. Joe and Sam talk.
3. Joe and Sam rejoin the 2 others; they talk.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE - DAY

Does that work? If not, suggestions welcome. Thanks.

[Ronaldinho]

I would probably not say "ON JOE"

But rather, it would depend on where Joe wandered to.

eg,

DOWN THE BLOCK

or something like that.

[Joaneasley]

One way is to use mini-slugs. Give a name to the nearby place he goes to take the call, such as BUS STOP SHELTER. You can cut back and forth between EXT. BUS STOP SHELTER and EXT. CLOTHING STORE depending on where you want the camera to be.

If you want, BUS STOP SHELTER and EXT. CLOTHING STORE can both be subsets of a place name that includes them both, like EXT. STREET. That way, the camera could show both mini-locations at the same time or just focus on one or the other.

[Robot17]

Yeah. Mini-slugs etc.

But why not just write it conventionally and cut your page count? Seems like all the returns you'd use would add a quarter page plus make the action antiseptic.

e.g.

SLUG
Joe, Sam and two others chat about the game on the sidewalk. Joe's phone rings and he crosses off to answer.

JOE
Yeah? Oh. Hi Don Corleon.

Joe waves to Sam to come over.

etc.

While I'm reading it, my mind's eye follows Joe. That is, I'm seeing Joe away from the others. Just seems to me to be easier and a better read. The way you're writing now seems like the "Writer" is "Directing", as in giving minute details on the business of the scene. Then again - maybe you're the director? Anyway - my .02.

Bot

[ComicBent]

A lot of what you do in a spec script involves implication instead of overt direction. What is really happening here is that you have several SHOTS. But instead of clearly designating them as such, you can imply them.

Just use simple action lines.

Joe steps apart from the group to take his phone call.

The others talk.

Joe waves Sam over to him.

Joe and Sam talk.

Joe and Sam rejoin the others.

That is basically what you are SEEING here. Your goal is always to write what you see and hear.

[polfilmblog]

Sometimes it is important to use the location where the character is located, such as in a forest. In order to keep it consistent with the formatting concept of place, you can call it "AT JOE" instead of "ON JOE."

The "AT" implies a place near Joe.

The "ON" implies we have to be seeing him in the frame at that moment, which may or may not be appropriate for the shot.