How to show it's medieval England

[ScriptGal]

Originally Posted by Chief

Hmmm, my beginning was:



But that looks like **** compared to yours.

Don't get discouraged. I love the one-room schoolhouse aspect of DDP. There are working highly paid pros here side-by-side with newbies and everyone in between. Learning through osmosis. I think the trick is to just absorb the good stuff and don't sweat not being the smartest kid in the room. You will be one day.

[ChadStrohl]

Mine's not better. It's just different.

I'll try and explain some things as I go over your passage. Keep in mind this is my personal opinion and style and may or may not be anything to hitch your wagon to.

EXT. FOREST - THE MIDDLE AGES - NIGHT


A scruffy SOLDIER walks through a pitch black forest. With one hand he holds a TORCH, illuminating the path ahead.

(An adjective like scruffy comes off as weak description. I know what it means, but it doesn't create a distinct image. The same with walks through a pitch black forest. The simple act of walking isn't exciting. But it's really a matter of semantics. Walk could just as easily be stalks, ambles, charges, plows ahead, etc. If you must use an adjectice, use one that creates a strong visual. And try to always use powerful verbs.)

A crazy-eyed SOLDIER stomps through a pitch black forest.

With his other hand, he drags a rope which leads to --


-- a young BOY, blindfolded. His clothes tell us he's from a poor background. Peasant.

(Words are boring. They are lines and curves meant to express a thought. But the way they are delivered can actually create an emotion. In this case, I imagine we want tension. So let the words be tense.)

In one hand a torch. In the other--

A rope dragging a blindfolded peasant boy.

He STAGGERS, unable to keep up. He falls down.

(This is your chance to take the tension and make it personal. This boy - I imagine - is terrified. This boy is who we want the audience to empathize with. So let them.)

The boy staggers. Legs no longer adequate. No strength left when he falls.

(though you could really play this up to get the sympathy effect by adding a lip quiver, some sobs, maybe a last pathetic moan when he falls.)

Okay. So it's...

EXT. FOREST - THE MIDDLE AGES - NIGHT

A crazy-eyed SOLDIER stomps through a pitch black forest. In one hand a torch. In the other--

A rope dragging a blindfolded peasant boy.

The boy staggers. Legs no longer adequate. No strength left when he falls.

That's pretty much your words with a little salt and pepper added. So you have the foundation. Now you just have to find that elusive thing they all talk about around here...

Your voice.

**And ScriptGal's got it right. This place is better than a hundred books on the subject of screenwriting.

[Chief]

Originally Posted by ChadStrohl

Mine's not better. It's just different.

I'll try and explain some things as I go over your passage. Keep in mind this is my personal opinion and style and may or may not be anything to hitch your wagon to.

EXT. FOREST - THE MIDDLE AGES - NIGHT


A scruffy SOLDIER walks through a pitch black forest. With one hand he holds a TORCH, illuminating the path ahead.

(An adjective like scruffy comes off as weak description. I know what it means, but it doesn't create a distinct image. The same with walks through a pitch black forest. The simple act of walking isn't exciting. But it's really a matter of semantics. Walk could just as easily be stalks, ambles, charges, plows ahead, etc. If you must use an adjectice, use one that creates a strong visual. And try to always use powerful verbs.)

A crazy-eyed SOLDIER stomps through a pitch black forest.

With his other hand, he drags a rope which leads to --


-- a young BOY, blindfolded. His clothes tell us he's from a poor background. Peasant.

(Words are boring. They are lines and curves meant to express a thought. But the way they are delivered can actually create an emotion. In this case, I imagine we want tension. So let the words be tense.)

In one hand a torch. In the other--

A rope dragging a blindfolded peasant boy.

He STAGGERS, unable to keep up. He falls down.

(This is your chance to take the tension and make it personal. This boy - I imagine - is terrified. This boy is who we want the audience to empathize with. So let them.)

The boy staggers. Legs no longer adequate. No strength left when he falls.

(though you could really play this up to get the sympathy effect by adding a lip quiver, some sobs, maybe a last pathetic moan when he falls.)

Okay. So it's...

EXT. FOREST - THE MIDDLE AGES - NIGHT

A crazy-eyed SOLDIER stomps through a pitch black forest. In one hand a torch. In the other--

A rope dragging a blindfolded peasant boy.

The boy staggers. Legs no longer adequate. No strength left when he falls.

That's pretty much your words with a little salt and pepper added. So you have the foundation. Now you just have to find that elusive thing they all talk about around here...

Your voice.

**And ScriptGal's got it right. This place is better than a hundred books on the subject of screenwriting.

I wish I could write like you

I've got the premises, the concepts, the characters, the twists, the hooks etc.

Only thing I'm struggling with is the writing, it always comes out looking very dull. Even I notice it.

[ComicBent]

It has to be one of the two. It sounds stupid to mention that it's the 12th Centure in the slugline or in SUPER:

And then also writing that the soldier is wearing 12th-centure garb. Wouldn't that be the logical conclusion?

You don't have to use a SUPER to flip back and forth. The audience is going to understand what era they are looking at, because they will see the medieval clothing, weapons, etc.

And in fact, if you really want to hoard the information, you do not have to say anything in the scene heading about the era, and you can let the reader figure it all out. The problem is that the reader will not immediately SEE the clothing, the weapons, the wagons, the moats, the castles, etc. You will have to mention these things right away to let the reader know what the time period is. And most of the time it will be clear to the reader, fairly quickly, that you have jumped from 21st century to 12th century or whatever. But it will not always be immediately clear if you fail to mention some of those era-specific items right away. Sooner or later you will have a scene that lacks these environmental clues, and the reader is going to have to puzzle for a few moments.

For that reason, I believe it is best to have a reference in the scene heading that tips off the reader as to where he is in historical time now. Also, someone eventually has to figure it all out to help organize the shooting schedule. So why not just help everybody to begin with?

Best of luck with it.

[ChadStrohl]

Originally Posted by Chief

I've got the premises, the concepts, the characters, the twists, the hooks etc.

Only thing I'm struggling with is the writing, it always comes out looking very dull. Even I notice it.

It'll come. Just keep doing what you do and every so often one of two things will happen. Either someone will show you a different way (which has happened for me on a few occassions) and you do your best to implement the advice, or you will have a personal epiphany (which has happened for me as well) and something will just click.

But neither of these things happen in a vacuum. Show your work as often as you can. Listen closely even when you don't agree... especially when you don't agree. Read often. Write more often.

And copy a style that you like. When I was dashing myself upon the rocks that is myfantasynovelinprogress, I unabashedly mimicked the style of George R.R. Martin, going so far as to literally type a few pages of his words just to channel the sensation. (Of course I am now trying to unlearn the prose). I don't see it any different than trying to emulate the swing of Ken Griffey Jr. or the footwork of Muhammad Ali. So why not do the same of David Mamet or Shane Black?

Fake it 'til you make it.

[DavidK]

Originally Posted by Chief

It has to be one of the two. It sounds stupid to mention that it's the 12th Centure in the slugline or in SUPER:

And then also writing that the soldier is wearing 12th-centure garb. Wouldn't that be the logical conclusion?

No, and it wouldn't be stupid at all. On the contrary, the slug or super imparts contextual information which places the reader generally in the story universe. The detail in the action descriptions provides specific information about the particular elements on screen at the time.

Contextualizing and then detailing is a perfectly appropriate way to handle it and from a stylistic point of view it simply depends on the writers preferred approach.

[VanceVanCleaf]

I don't want to interfere with your ideas/story, and I don't want to sound 'academic', but as a Historian with special field in the Middle Ages I just want to ask WHEN in the MA this story takes place, or if it's some kind of Fantasy stuff? Because child sacrifices if at all are a thing you had to put in the pre-Christian era, in the Celtic times... I know there are legends about Jews sacrificing Christian childs, but that's another thing.

I know it's a movie and not a documentary, but ... I think you know what I mean.

I hope you're not upset, and I hope you have considered everything before starting your story. But I thought better I mention it than some pro guy you want to sell your script to. Some have historical advisors. It all depends on your genre.

In case you have any 'medieval questions', you can pm me. I'll be happy to help.

[Fortean]

Originally Posted by VanceVanCleaf

I don't want to interfere with your ideas/story, and I don't want to sound 'academic', but as a Historian with special field in the Middle Ages I just want to ask WHEN in the MA this story takes place, or if it's some kind of Fantasy stuff? Because child sacrifices if at all are a thing you had to put in the pre-Christian era, in the Celtic times... I know there are legends about Jews sacrificing Christian childs, but that's another thing.

Merlin was the illegitimate son of a monastic Royal Princess of Dyfed. The lady's father, however, King Meurig ap Maredydd ap Rhain, is not found in the traditional pedigrees of this kingdom and was probably a sub-King of the region bordering on Ceredigion. Merlin's father, it is said, was an angel who had visited the Royal nun and left her with child. Merlin's enemies claimed his father was reallyan incubus, an evil spirit that has intercourse with sleeping women. The evil child was supposed to provide a counterweight to the good influence of Jesus Christ on earth. Merlin, fortunately, was baptized early on in his life, an event which is said to have negated the evil in his nature, but left his powers intact. The original story was presumably invented to save his mother from the scandal which would have occurred had her liaison with one Morfyn Frych (the Freckled), a minor Prince of the House of Coel, been made public knowledge.

Legend then tells us that after the Roman withdrawal from Britain and the usurpation of the throne from the rightful heirs, Vortigern was in flight from the Saxon breakout and went to Snowdonia, in Wales, in hopes of constructing a mountain fortress at Dinas Emrys where he might be safe. Unfortunately, the building kept collapsing and Vortigern's house wizards told him that a human sacrifice of a fatherless child would solve the problem. One small difficulty was that such children are rather hard to find. Fortunately for Vortigern's fortress, Merlin was known to have no human father and happened to be available.

Before the sacrifice could take place, Merlin used his great visionary powers and attributed the structural problem to a subterranean pool in which lived a red and a white dragon. The meaning of this, according to Merlin, was that the red dragon represented the Britons, and the white dragon, the Saxons. The dragons fought, with the white dragon having the best of it, at first, but then the red dragon drove the white one back. The meaning was clear. Merlin prophesied that Vortigern would be slain and followed on the throne by Ambrosius Aurelianus, then Uther, then a greater leader, Arthur. It would fall to him to push the Saxons back.

~ http://www.britannia.com/history/bio...es/merlin.html

There was the supposed Gaelic tradition of sacrificing children in the building of fortresses and castles, or entombing them in the foundations. However, one could simply have the soldier wearing a kilt; then, one would know that the scene is Medieval England, (if not contemporary Scotland).

[Chief]

Originally Posted by VanceVanCleaf

I don't want to interfere with your ideas/story, and I don't want to sound 'academic', but as a Historian with special field in the Middle Ages I just want to ask WHEN in the MA this story takes place, or if it's some kind of Fantasy stuff? Because child sacrifices if at all are a thing you had to put in the pre-Christian era, in the Celtic times... I know there are legends about Jews sacrificing Christian childs, but that's another thing.

I know it's a movie and not a documentary, but ... I think you know what I mean.

I hope you're not upset, and I hope you have considered everything before starting your story. But I thought better I mention it than some pro guy you want to sell your script to. Some have historical advisors. It all depends on your genre.

In case you have any 'medieval questions', you can pm me. I'll be happy to help.

Yeah I know, the story itself is set in modern day England. That first scene is just to show the cult sacrifices performed by the Royal Family. The soldier himself is Christian, and feels guilty about it, but fear compels him to deliver the child to them.

[VanceVanCleaf]

Ah-okay.
This isn't exactly your business as a writer, but if this is set in the 5th century (supposed Merlin-time, after Roman withdrawal), the clothing is different from, lets say, 12th. So a kilt-like thing wouldn't be that a bad idea, I think.