Re: How much detail?
GucciGhost: The scene in itself is just a detail. Story goes something like this: Main Character has been forced into exile. He has been given the name of HOUSEOWNER and been told to visit him. He also has a password to make himself known. But he is in a foreign city and knows nothing about HOUSEOWNER. Finally he has found the right house. He has been knocking on the door but nobody opens until the row in the street brings HOUSEOWNER out and gives Main Character a chance to say the password, which will have effect.
ComicBent: I rewrote some stuff according to your advice:
Two carts moving in opposite directions meet just outside the house. The alley is too narrow and with a crash their wheels hook onto each other. A loud argument erupts.
DRIVER A
What in hell are you doing?
DRIVER B
Back up, you blockhead!
DRIVER A
Can't you see the street is too narrow?
DRIVER B
It's your ****ing cart that's too wide! There are rules about carts, you know.
MAIN CHARACTER goes to the door, lifts the brass knocker and lets it drop. A small hatch opens and half a face is seen, hostile eyes staring at him. Before he can say anything, the hatch slams shut.
The row between the drivers continues in the street. They are getting angrier. A small crowd has gathered to witness.
DRIVER A
Your mother was a hamster!
DRIVER B
Now that's a criminal insult! You all heard him!
MAIN CHARACTER drops the knocker again, harder. The hatch opens, a snort can be heard, and it closes again.
People in the crowd are cheering the drivers on. The noise is quite loud.
DRIVER A
You're the criminal and I'll have you before a magistrate!
DRIVER B
Good, then you'll have to pay for the damage to my cart!
Again, MAIN CHARACTER raises his hand to the knocker, but before he can touch it the door is thrown open, forcing him to jump aside.
In the doorway stands HOUSEOWNER, an enormously fat man, red-faced and angry. He shouts at the two drivers, shakes his fist.
HOUSEOWNER
Stop this riot immediately! Get yourselves away! Or I'll have you flogged in the town square!
The drivers go silent, look at HOUSEOWNER for a moment, then resume their shouting match.
DRIVER A
There, you see! You're causing a riot. Back up before the city watch get here!
DRIVER B
No, I'm gonna wait until that old nag you're using as a horse drops dead. Shouldn't take more than a minute.
HOUSEOWNER walks to the nearest cart and rocks it so forcefully that the driver falls off his seat, into the dirt.
The crowd and the other driver cheer and laugh at him. The fallen driver grabs some mud from the street and throws it at the other driver, who climbs down. They start a fist fight.
HOUSEOWNER shakes his fist at the drivers.
HOUSEOWNER
Scoundrels and hooligans!
He turns around and goes back into the house. Just as he closes the door, Main Character shouts:
Better?
GucciGhost: The scene in itself is just a detail. Story goes something like this: Main Character has been forced into exile. He has been given the name of HOUSEOWNER and been told to visit him. He also has a password to make himself known. But he is in a foreign city and knows nothing about HOUSEOWNER. Finally he has found the right house. He has been knocking on the door but nobody opens until the row in the street brings HOUSEOWNER out and gives Main Character a chance to say the password, which will have effect.
ComicBent: I rewrote some stuff according to your advice:
Two carts moving in opposite directions meet just outside the house. The alley is too narrow and with a crash their wheels hook onto each other. A loud argument erupts.
DRIVER A
What in hell are you doing?
DRIVER B
Back up, you blockhead!
DRIVER A
Can't you see the street is too narrow?
DRIVER B
It's your ****ing cart that's too wide! There are rules about carts, you know.
MAIN CHARACTER goes to the door, lifts the brass knocker and lets it drop. A small hatch opens and half a face is seen, hostile eyes staring at him. Before he can say anything, the hatch slams shut.
The row between the drivers continues in the street. They are getting angrier. A small crowd has gathered to witness.
DRIVER A
Your mother was a hamster!
DRIVER B
Now that's a criminal insult! You all heard him!
MAIN CHARACTER drops the knocker again, harder. The hatch opens, a snort can be heard, and it closes again.
People in the crowd are cheering the drivers on. The noise is quite loud.
DRIVER A
You're the criminal and I'll have you before a magistrate!
DRIVER B
Good, then you'll have to pay for the damage to my cart!
Again, MAIN CHARACTER raises his hand to the knocker, but before he can touch it the door is thrown open, forcing him to jump aside.
In the doorway stands HOUSEOWNER, an enormously fat man, red-faced and angry. He shouts at the two drivers, shakes his fist.
HOUSEOWNER
Stop this riot immediately! Get yourselves away! Or I'll have you flogged in the town square!
The drivers go silent, look at HOUSEOWNER for a moment, then resume their shouting match.
DRIVER A
There, you see! You're causing a riot. Back up before the city watch get here!
DRIVER B
No, I'm gonna wait until that old nag you're using as a horse drops dead. Shouldn't take more than a minute.
HOUSEOWNER walks to the nearest cart and rocks it so forcefully that the driver falls off his seat, into the dirt.
The crowd and the other driver cheer and laugh at him. The fallen driver grabs some mud from the street and throws it at the other driver, who climbs down. They start a fist fight.
HOUSEOWNER shakes his fist at the drivers.
HOUSEOWNER
Scoundrels and hooligans!
He turns around and goes back into the house. Just as he closes the door, Main Character shouts:
Better?
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