Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest 2013

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  • Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest 2013

    Without further ado, the vote spread and totals:
    Code:
    Title                    1st 2nd 3rd Total
    Bestiality                2   2   1   11
    You Had Me At Hello                    0
    It Would Have Been Great  3   1   3   14
    Valentine's Days              2        4
    Bad Romance               1            3
    Buick                             1    1
    Secret Admirer                3        6
    No Bunny                  5   2   2   21
    London Underground        2   1   1    9
    She's The One             1       5    8
    Oysters                       1        2
    1st place vote earns 3 points, 2nd place = 2 points, 3rd = 1 point

    And the authors were:

    Bestiality - Rich Weems
    You Had Me At Hello - Jai Brandon
    It Would Have Been Great - Colin Holmes
    Valentine's Days - Rene C
    Bad Romance - polfilmblog
    Buick - Centos
    Secret Admirer - Mr. Earth
    No Bunny - sc111
    London Underground - Road Warrior
    She's The One - dpaterso
    Oysters - Umo

    Big congrats to sc111, author of No Bunny, which romped ahead of the litter, with Colin Holmes and Rich Weems snagging 2nd and 3rd places for It Would Have Been Great and Bestiality.

    Thanks all for your participation and votes. Mucho thanks also to karlosd, Fortean and LMPurves for taking time to read and vote.

    You're invited to post comments on the entries in this thread, if you have 'em, and discuss what worked for you, what didn't work for you, why you think you deserved to win, etc.

    If you're feeling down because you didn't score big points, please don't, it's a writing exercise and you've successfully written to theme and deadline, congrats!

    If you spot any errors or stupidities... shhh! Er, I mean, please let me know ASAP, thanks.

    For posterity's sake, the entries thread is here.
    Last edited by dpaterso; 02-23-2013, 06:52 AM.

  • #2
    Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

    Well, I knew I was in trouble when I found out I couldn't stuff my own ballot box. This is un-American!

    Congratulations to the top 3 ... 4 ... 5. I had "No Bunny" in first. "London Underground" in 2nd. and "It Would Have Been Great" in 3rd. So close to the consensus. The most amazing thing is that some gullible dweeb gave my entry a third place vote. He/she must have been incredibly sizzled at the time. (But I'll take it!)

    Thanks for the contest. I always enjoy these. If anyone wants, I'll post the other entry (the one I didn't enter) on the Script forum. I doubt it would have done much better, though.
    STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

      Good stuff, look at those votes, so many contributors!

      Congratulations to the winners, and Mr Weems, I knew that was you, I just knew! haha.

      Sc111, we're really tight here at "WE" but if you'll accept this, please picture a bunch of roses arriving at your gaff from the contest heads for that win!

      If anybody could copy in a good picture of some flowers, that might be good.

      Centos, yeah, please put your other writing up sir, nothing goes to waste that way.
      I abandoned an idea: TWIN DESIRES, said twin is sent on a date by her sister -- the other twin -- to test a boyfriend's intentions, he rumbles it. We learn that true love is about something bigger/inscrutable.
      Then I went all dark and scribbled out LU.
      Last edited by The Road Warrior; 02-23-2013, 01:54 PM.
      Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

        Originally posted by Centos View Post
        Well, I knew I was in trouble when I found out I couldn't stuff my own ballot box. This is un-American!

        Congratulations to the top 3 ... 4 ... 5. I had "No Bunny" in first. "London Underground" in 2nd. and "It Would Have Been Great" in 3rd. So close to the consensus. The most amazing thing is that some gullible dweeb gave my entry a third place vote. He/she must have been incredibly sizzled at the time. (But I'll take it!)

        Thanks for the contest. I always enjoy these. If anyone wants, I'll post the other entry (the one I didn't enter) on the Script forum. I doubt it would have done much better, though.
        NEVER SWEAT THIS.

        I enyoyed yours, and the votes I cast, without looking I can say I could have done a switch and put in a whole other 1,2,3... sequence, I was discussing this with Derek after in PM. Criteria was tough here.

        What's interesting is what we write is pushing some buttons in the some readers, we had more 'outside' readers in on this one than ever. Those spread of votes are interesting.

        The best bit comes next, the gang turns up again, rolling in like dudes after a heavy night out, and we all get to chat and give some feedback.
        Last edited by The Road Warrior; 02-23-2013, 01:55 PM.
        Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

          Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
          Centos, yeah, please put your other writing up sir, nothing goes to waste that way.
          Okay, it's posted. Now everyone can blame YOU.
          STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

            Yep, they can!
            Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

              Here's my votes (with my notes indicating the top two could've swapped places at any given moment, depending on which way the wind blew)


              #1 - she's the one
              #2 - no bunny
              #3 - it would have been great

              Congrats, guys!

              Frankly, I'm a little surprised that "She's the One" didn't get more first place votes, and I think part of that had to do with the female character being (initially) so reprehensible. But these three were clearly head and shoulders above the rest.

              And a definite shout out to SC for being able to pen a sentimental story that affected even a non-sentimental sort like me.

              Again, congratulations!

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                Will there be a recount?

                (kidding, Derek)

                I had No Bunny and Bestiality on my top three as well.

                I really want somebody to make one of Weems' movies so I can leave a theatre with that compelling "i need to shower, now" feeling.

                You're sending stuff to David Lynch, right?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                  Originally posted by Colin Holmes View Post
                  You're sending stuff to David Lynch, right?
                  He has a restraining order against me.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                    Well look at that... The only one who didn't receive a single vote! I don't care what any of you say, that has to be some kind of accomplishment! Haha.
                    My votes and brief comments to Derek were:

                    1 - It Would Have Been Great

                    Was able to stay ahead of my first place finisher, so I KNEW the guy was in on the robbery from the start. Was hoping for a nice twist on a twist, a shocking reveal, or betrayal of some sort, but all in all, a good piece.

                    2 - Bestiality

                    Peculiar, peculiar, peculiar! Ultimately, it received 2nd place for being the most original idea - this author definitely thought outside of the box. Couldn't give it first place dibs, because it was too... strange. A man lusting after animals? Send this guy to the psych ward ASAP!

                    3 - No Bunny

                    Debated this selection among 3 others, but ultimately went in this direction. Why? I have no clue. Perhaps it was due to the red bow that was placed on the ending. I think it resonated for me a tad bit more. This decision was close though.

                    Congrats to the winners!
                    FADE IN:
                    PERSEVERANCE OVERCOMES ADVERSITY
                    NEVER FADE OUT.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                      Oh - wow, didn't even check last night. Thanks all. It's actually a highlight of a very crazy week.

                      Just to show how the idea evolved -- I recall someone I worked with getting a Valentine's gift on her desk with the slogan:

                      You're No Bunny Till Some Bunny Loves You.

                      I thought it was clever and wanted to use it. But my first two ideas were just too - blah. Then I thought, "How about real bunnies in a pet shop? Hmmm. How about a guy getting a new bunny girfriend for his rabbit. Hmmm." And the story grew from there.

                      I actually like these characters - maybe I can use them for a feature? I'll think on it.

                      Edited to add ...

                      My votes were:

                      1. London Underground - When I noticed how much I wanted to know what happened to the woman at the end, it was a good sign. I was invested and definitely would read on if it was a feature length script.

                      2. Bestiality - I was actually on the fence as to if this was my second or third choice. The eyeballing of the parrot at the end was a good, and very layered, touch.

                      3. Buick - Yes, Centos. I am that dweeb you were wondering about. I thought it was quite a haunting story and I'm surprised you didn't get more votes.

                      Still, it's all subjective. For me there's a preference for short scripts that aren't heavy on punchlines. For this reason, with my own script I was toying with the idea of deleting the last scene but decided to keep it and close with the bunnies in the scene.
                      Last edited by sc111; 02-23-2013, 08:23 AM.
                      Advice from writer, Kelly Sue DeConnick. "Try this: if you can replace your female character with a sexy lamp and the story still basically works, maybe you need another draft.-

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                        First off, this was a blast to be a part of. I like reading other people's stuff and seeing the different directions they can take a theme, but I the thrill for me personally was that I had absolutely no idea what I was going to write.

                        Then I remembered I had this dream where my wife was going to leave me, but then she found out the guy she was going to run away with died in a car accident on the way to pick her up, so she was forced to stay. I guess I have odd dreams. Anyway, when I woke up I thought it might be an interesting short play or something, but nothing more.

                        So, I decided to use the dream for my entry, but the contest made me have to think of it in a more cinematic way and the limit of 8 pages really caused me to strip things down to their core, which probably hurt the story a little. The 8-page limit is genius, by the way. It's just enough to get a message out, but restrictive enough to really force some hard choices.

                        As far as creating an impact with readers, I knew this kind of story was kind of a risk for a "contest" because on the surface, nothing much appears to be happening, so I am really thrilled that it connected with some people.

                        It was all a lot of fun. I look forward to the next challenge. I'll post my notes for each entry in another post.
                        On Twitter @DeadManSkipping

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                          My problem with this kind of thing is that nearly all entries, in their own way, are kind of special. And, like the analogy I've used before, writing is kind of like playing poker. At some point, everyone at the table knows how to play the game (the "rules" and risks) and anyone is capable of winning.

                          So, the hard part is trying to come up with a judging criteria for this sort of thing. Others have said that they go into this with the idea of which script "spoke to them" but I'm not sure I agree with that. I've debated going with what I would like to produce (if I did such things), but then I read the first entry "Bestiality" and it makes me reconsider that, too. So, I guess I don't really know what criteria I used exactly.

                          Here are my votes:

                          1st place: London Underground
                          2nd place: No Bunny
                          3rd place: It Would Have Been Great

                          Here are the notes I kept while reading. Keep in mind, some of these notes were questions I had while reading, so they might have popped up on page one and then answered on page 5 or whatever, but I left them anyway because they were moments where it wasn't clear to me.

                          Also, I hope I don't offend anyone or hurt feelings here. Please keep in mind that I was trying to come up with my favorites, so I focused on the negatives to pare them down. I think I only listed positives that REALLY jumped out at me--that's not to say there weren't many positives that I didn't list.

                          Bestiality
                          First off, I admire the chutzpah to try this kind of story. Maybe I'm being too naive, but I didn't read it as bestiality in the true sense of the word. It does a good job of describing what some pet people go through when they get their pets, like collectors. It's not absolutely clear that the guy kills his cat, but I guess he must have. There could have been a little hint given for the character's motivation for these animals and why he couldn't be satisfied--not a full explanation, but at least a little hint that a reader could latch onto.

                          It's good and quirky and different, so it's not as if I didn't like it. It definitely wasn't boring. I think it was my 4th place finisher.

                          Dialogue was a little basic. Character development was basically non-existent for both man and beasts.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          I love cats, but no Siamese cat is going to call out "I love you"

                          The dog embraces a guy?

                          A veterinarian school would pay $5 for a rotting, fly infested, pigeon pecked corpse?


                          You Had Me at "Hello"
                          I'm not feeling this one at all. I can't tell if it's supposed to be satirical or taken seriously. Either way, it falls flat. The lines are cliche and if that's actually the joke, it's not done well. It's not funny, the characters are odd, and I'm not sure what it wants me to think. For a while, I was actually hoping that the women were imaginary and just represented the many voices inside the head of Dorothy, but then obviously they were real, so....hmmmm.

                          So, the guy says all this stuff to his wife, but then immediately leaves with Lusty? But then obviously doesn't really like Lusty either? Is that funny? Again, I don't get it. I'm not sure if there's supposed to be some deeper meaning or message in all of this, but I don't want to bother going back and spending more time trying to figure it out.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          There is no sense of age or description of the main characters. The Lusty one has been talking about a divorce for 40 years, so does that make these people 50+?

                          God, I hate "(beat)s"

                          What the heck is going?

                          It ends on an off screen groan? That seems odd. How loud and unnatural would that groan have to be for anyone to even realize it happened?


                          It Would Have Been Great
                          Well written. I tend to be more old school and not like the asides and unfilmables, but at least these were mostly done really well, so they didn't bother me. The logic of the whole thing could probably be blown all to hell if someone thought about this story long enough. After all, the guy is just banking on the girl not reporting who he is. I guess the only other alternative would be to say, "Sorry, it would have been great" right before he blows her head off, but that would be quite a different story. I do wonder if the unfilmable asides are the only thing that keep this from landing in overdone cliche land. In fact, I just happened to see a music video (yes, they still make those) with that guy from The Voice where it's almost identical to the first half of this script, but all that aside, still a fun read. If you take out those flourishes, is the story really all that special?

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          Very minor, but describing a guy as "yelling" and then putting it in a wryly was repetitive.

                          Kind of figured Brooks was in on it, but that's okay.


                          Valentine's Days
                          This story just sort of seems to sit there. I'm sure part of it has to do with the constraints of this "contest" but we fly by with these flashbacks so fast and for the most part, what we are flashing back to isn't all that special and not of anything we couldn't just imagine for ourselves, so they seem unnecessary. The initial meeting seems relevant to show, but a guy in a coma in a hospital? Nah. Hippies smoking hash? Nah, not really necessary. Riots in the 60s? Not really.

                          I also think if the flashbacks were tossed out and we just had the actual dialogue between the old woman and man, the unnaturalness of it would really stand out. Movies and TV cheat this kind of thing all the time, but people are getting more sophisticated about it all. So, in "real" life, there would be this old woman yapping about a past love and giving all this exposition mostly without any kind of prompt from the other person. It's a cheat. But, again, the page restriction probably plays a part.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          Lots of black around the San Francisco Bay?

                          I'm not sure if "protests" is the right word if she's saying the coffee mix up was okay with her.

                          It seems like the reveal of the age of death should have happened in the end. As it is, we know the guy dies in 1985, so the telling of that detail loses it's impact. Without the early reveal, we assume he's dead, but there's also a little part of us that might hope the old guy talking to her might actually be him.


                          Bad Romance
                          This is not "technically" poorly written, but all the characters are one note and those notes are not all that interesting or giving any kind of new perspective on anything.

                          The bigger issue is that it's written in a kind of judgmental way that doesn't bother to explore what makes a character a real person. Obviously, there are complete and total cads out there, but are they really so obvious? Obviously, there are still some pretty naive girls running around that aren't sophisticated to recognize those bad traits early on, but are they really this dense? In that respect, everything is just way too on the nose. There's no subtext to who these people are, no hidden motives, nothing between the lines.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          The phone text probably needs to be called out in a clearer, technically better way, but it's not a big deal


                          Buick
                          Well, this is an odd little entry. The writing quality is good. I had to look up "sallow." Good word. I'm just not sure what to make of this. I want to like it, but if I think of it as something actually on the screen, I think it would irritate me. I'm sure that sounds odd because it's not that I don't like the writing, but it's just the ending requires to much of a suspension of belief.

                          Put it this way, we have to believe that these old timers are looking for their final resting spot and then, I guess, they sort of find it and disappear. While it might be a shock to have an empty car at the end, how it got there is completely bass ackwards. Why would the bodies disappear? Why would the spirits need to find a resting place? You don't choose your grave site after you die. It's just too ridiculous, but the writing is good.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          Is it over?

                          WTF is this all about?


                          Secret Admirer
                          My entry.


                          No Bunny
                          I really like the dialogue in this one. Being a Midwesterner with ties to Kentucky and those kinds of folk, it was pretty spot on. The exchange with Melba was better than the main part of the story with Crystal, but it was still good throughout.

                          A little too sappy and neat. Everything ties up in a little bow. But that might have more to do with the page restrictions we were under than the writing ability.

                          As funny as the dialogue is, the back half of this probably needs more punch to it. Eli, in particular, could probably benefit from more character development. It all seems a little too accommodating and easy for everyone involved with no real conflict...again, maybe to do with the page restrictions here.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          The exchange about the Wal-Mart is funny

                          Hearing about the cancer from the news seems unlikely, as does dropping the bullets in shock.

                          Awwww.....


                          London Underground
                          Once I was able to look past the pauses and beats and a couple of other seemingly missing things, I dug this story. I don't think I fully understand what's going on, but that's okay. I don't need to be spoonfed everything. Well written overall and even though the hurried "love" could be a bit corny, mushy and cliche, still a good piece.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          Aaagghh! The "PAUSES"

                          What about the guy's arm? Is the arm angry? This part is kind of unclear. There's no reason to hide what's going on with the arm from us.

                          It seems kind of weird to leave the man and woman in one scene, and then push through the subway tunnels to the man and woman again and then cut to the people above ground.


                          She's the One
                          This is above average. It's nice and written competently, but something seems to be missing for me. I think it's that there seems to be a need to ground the characters into the scene a little more. They are kind of floating around while Mia does outrageous things. It's not like I need a character direction for every response, but it just seems like a lot of times the actions and dialogue are asking for it and it's not there. Hopefully, this is all another case of the page restrictions getting to the writer and a more fully fleshed out feature might correct these issues. Overall, pretty well done. Could probably get funnier with some more work, but it's close.

                          This was another very near miss to my top 3.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          How can he see her beautiful eyes if she's asleep....or maybe that was a joke.

                          Seems like some kind of reaction needs to be given when she makes her breakfast demands. He's says "Okay" so we know he doesn't have a problem with it, but it just seems like there's room for something more telling.


                          Oysters
                          This reads more like a novel. It reads well, but it's too prose-y for me. The right actor could probably make it funnier than what's actually on the page. I wonder if it would be better to have the girl hook up and then the nun's talking about it instead of it. So, it would just be garage, apartment, convent.

                          Random things that crossed my mind while reading:
                          Where the hell is "Raging Hormone Land"? Right away, I don't know where I am.

                          How do we know how the guy smells of bacon and Brut?

                          This is the case against flourishes. If this were actually shot, it would not be easy and maybe nearly impossible to convey on screen exactly what is described on the page. We probably wouldn't notice the breathing in unison. The button flying off might be funny, but we wouldn't really know it was from her heavy breathing. And, maybe women in the audience would know, but most guys would not pick up on the embarrassment of a granny bra. "If the woman's hot and I can see her bra or down her shirt, who cares about her style" is the attitude most guys would have.

                          I'm not sure Marilyn was ever actually described as far age, etc. I guess I can take it out of context, or maybe I just missed it.
                          On Twitter @DeadManSkipping

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                            These are the thoughts that passed through my mind as I was reading the entries, no snottiness intended and no guarantees I'm right. My votes were:

                            1st - Bestiality
                            2nd - Oysters
                            3rd - London Underground

                            Bestiality

                            Says a lot for this one that it held my attention till the end, despite my difficulty in taking it seriously.

                            You Had Me At Hello

                            I thought the setting was too ordinary for this drama, Jerry's airport entrance was a puzzler and ditto why Dorothy's here.

                            It Would Have Been Great

                            Nice twist, tho' the bank heist seemed overplayed, casting the rest into shadow.

                            Valentine's Days

                            Nicely done, but sad as **ck. Not cheap to film, either. Just saying. Wha'da I know anyway?

                            Bad Romance

                            Darla is so delusional she made me think she was special needs. This has the feel of a bigger story crammed into 8 pages.

                            Buick

                            Neat little ghost vignette. Kinda gratuitous V'Day insert, though. Note, squirrels can't act, and CGI squirrels cost money. Sorry couldn't resist.

                            Secret Admirer

                            Not exactly a heartwarming tale for Valentine's Day! Random brain fart, I might have considered showing the other guy, maybe just before the accident, talking to or texting Brook as he drove.

                            No Bunny

                            Reads well enough, but too much forced drama for me, and too much coincidence, too. (Having said this, I note how the voting went, and suspect I'm over-analyzing!)

                            London Underground

                            Cleverly done Sci-Fi vignette, at least that's what it feels like. Random thoughts: Withholding their names seemed odd, I'd save that kind of affectation for the novel. And, if he was a Para, you'd think he'd be wearing the uniform with badges and pips, plus he has a rifle, so her saying she could read he's a soldier from his face sounded like a comedy line.

                            She's The One

                            Mine. A last-second (literally) idea that popped out of nowhere, when other attempts had crashed. I'm not sure if it works, but it gave me a couple of giggles. Also, cringes. Much shame.

                            Oysters

                            An overcomplicated opening (first few paragraphs) but I liked the easy fun style. Seems like a little too much work, though, just to deliver the punchline.

                            My lingering thoughts after reading all the entries was that it was a strange mix for a Valentine's Day contest. I thought there might be more romcom or romance content. Not that that's obligatory or anything.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Results - Voluptuous Valentines contest

                              Originally posted by dpaterso View Post

                              Secret Admirer

                              Not exactly a heartwarming tale for Valentine's Day! Random brain fart, I might have considered showing the other guy, maybe just before the accident, talking to or texting Brook as he drove.
                              Funny you mention that. Deciding how exactly to let the woman know that her guy was dead was the hardest thing for me to do. My first take was to have her and her husband see it on the news. Then it became a cop calling her but both of those seemed too expository. I thought about showing the guy knocked out or dead in the car with his phone ringing, but that was going to take a lot of pages to tell and I couldn't figure out a way to make it fit within the time frame of the events without cheating. In the end, I just decided to leave it kind of vague, but after I turned it in, I worried that people would think it was some lesbian affair, which wasn't what I was going for.

                              By the way, it probably doesn't change anything, but did you notice that the total number of votes for 1st, 2nd and 3rd are all different totals? 1st has 14 votes, 2nd has 12 (I think), and 3rd has 13 or something.
                              On Twitter @DeadManSkipping

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