Click here for Done Deal Pro home page
Done Deal Pro Home Page

Loading

Go Back   Done Deal Pro Forums > About the Craft > Writing Exercises
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-02-2015, 01:34 AM   #11
The Road Warrior
Member
 
The Road Warrior's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,929
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

INTERMISSION

Please see the Christmas/Early New Year thread in Writing Exercises.

Whilst you folks are around we may as well flag this:

A new exercise so that you/we/I may apply your enhanced skills following this exercise. I'd like some feedback on what you'd like to write, be it a "noir" which I quite fancy, or even... an open writing competition where EIGHT pages of a comedy, horror or genre-to-suit is submitted.

http://messageboard.donedealpro.com/...ad.php?t=79991

.
.

Last edited by The Road Warrior : 11-02-2015 at 07:05 AM. Reason: link
The Road Warrior is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 02:23 AM   #12
FoxHound
Member
 
FoxHound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,310
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mpimentel View Post
Incident At The Lighthouse

Writing style
4/10

characters
3/10

story
4/10

start
5/10

middle
3/10

end
4/10
___________
23
The shittiest script won again. Nice to see the trend continuing
__________________
I'm never wrong. Reality is just stubborn.
FoxHound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 02:25 AM   #13
The Road Warrior
Member
 
The Road Warrior's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,929
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Feedback, continuing....

[apologies if I don't get around to all of them, I tend to read out of order and asymmetrically. A quick-stab and a few thoughts on how the entries struck me as I read through them].

Little Visitor

I enjoyed reading this one because of the solid and naturalistic dialogue, in fact -- the first entry where I felt that the writer was comfortable with this aspect to the screenplay. Dialogue is tricky so this was immediately appealing. Oh and it worked as a nice little grim tale so may well have received my #1 VOTE.

Found Footage

Hey... who the heck is this dude? Come on pal and get your act together. . . that's a first-draft-train-wreck-going-straight-to- hell entry. Right there. Any more of that type of writing and you'll be sent to see the headmaster. Get to the back of the class buddy. Oh... and well done for at least entering BTW.


Tomato Soup

I really dig tomato soup. However, the title struck me as a little odd, so I thought, okay, so maybe it's just a little out there. This shows some the mistakes of early writing and particularly with the dialogue, however, later in, I really liked the jump and transition, I was throw and it got weird and surreal. I think at that point your writer-brain kicked in and you were in the groove, but sadly, rational man returned and the dialogue and end became clunky again.
This is about dialogue problems. OTN.
Example:

JOHN
You guys were not together. Frankly I did not know about you until you started calling my house with all those threats.


A bit too OTN -- he's giving the game away and in the vein of information-dump, you have to dress it up and disguise it I feel. It's not the worst example but I felt that sort of missing the mark throughout. I also saw bursts of anger or changes of mood that were too extreme, came out of nowhere. Each sounded the wrong emotional notes for me.

I see imagination here and just think that it is about writing and rewriting and trying to get that dialogue to flow and speak how people speak, and not say what you think they should say or produce the information the script needs to make sense at that particular juncture. Nothing that cannot be fixed IMHO. Good effort, great reality-jump later in. Well done. A writer with a feel for the surreal.
I still really dig tomato soup but whenever I have it may takes to looking over my shoulder from now on after that read.

Beaver Creek

Now this entry was nicely set up and lulled me in, that moon on the water, the steady progress of the boat, seduced me, I was there.... until.... I reached:

MIKE
Take a look around you college boy

...and I popped out of the script as quickly as I'd been drawn into it. Not the worst line reading it as a stand-alone but go back to the script and read it in context and with the flow and it read like a wrong note on piano. That sounds mean, I don't mean it to be.

This is an aspect to many of the reads in the competition, I've already flicked through a few others and looked at dialogue, have read and reread that dialogue and the same impression arises: emotional notes, sudden jerks of emotion from left of field that are generally unconvincing, that don't reflect human emotion, extreme or otherwise.
And this is what I'd expect.... because we're not reading "professionals" here - at least not just yet anyway.
I'm tending not to ask what the plot or twist at the end is because I am spending all my time reading dialogue carefully to get a sense of who these people are. That said.... this is a smooth enough read and shows promise but I have to be a hard a$$ or they'd be no point.



Halloween Morning

Yeah, nice flow, clear writing but not enough punch for me, tripping between a sort of laconic prose style and the more punchy pace of screenwriting. That said, I felt there's more to give here with the writer having good control but lacking a certain x ingredient. The decision to go SF felt out of place in a competition of this sort but I was expecting great things after reading the title. It was my favourite title, why not, Halloween morning.............. but what on Halloween morning, who is up an what has the night before left us with, murders, a new world, regrets, family angst, intriguing but we weren't taken there. A good entry for a SF-paranoia competition but not my cup of pumpkin tea in this context. Damn, feel like I've been mean here but this person can write. Show me your dark side.


Shadow Beast

Nicely written set-up but wondered if you were getting yourself into timing difficulties from the outset. The amount of work put in to refine the beginning shows and it's solid and clear writing. I think you probably trailed off a bit after you got going, felt like less work and more jumpy and it SLOWED us down, the images are bunching up because the writing is dense and we can't move on. If you took that command of the language in the first two paragraphs, stripped it down, like an old car, rebooted it and gave us a beast that we could roar along in, I think we'd be there. Nice writing, plenty of promise in there.


The Bigger The Sin

You've got a lot of problems going on in here. Dialogue OTN. This struck me as some kind of rape-revenge/exploitation flick, I Spit on Your Grave. To do this I think you really have to be sure of what you are presenting.
I thought the pornographic elements might be a blown-up, ott mock porn show of the kind that is creeping into mainstream film. Clerks II, is one such example, a "donkey show", but with irony, wit, self-reference and was that incest at the end. Smith's non-PC humour has all those elements and a wink of the eye throughout. This seemed like porn gone looking for a plausible script. I am not convinced that we should even be displaying this kind of entry. I'm happy to hear arguments to the contrary.............. but I can't really see what might be said in defence. Hmmm, I'm not very happy about this.


Hell Dame

I really enjoyed the pared down writing of the opening... crisp writing but I got taken out of it and into trouble with the beginning of the street patois. I wasn't convinced by the dialogue. There was also a problem with a few "specifics" such as:


some eerie Halloween music

and

Big outside lights


I think that you need a specific tune or a definite type of lamp.... being really picky I'd perhaps ask what is eerie Halloween music, is it horror film music or just Taylor Swift....... just kidding. However it was structured fine and it was easy to read. I'll go out on a limb and say that maybe the dialogue isn't suited in terms of what you are comfortable with... these types of characters in this type of situation. However, a solid entry from another new entrant. I did enjoy reading through it.

The Incident at the Lighthouse

This one may have got my vote for being silly and bonkers. However, despite a nice screenplay style, clarity and crispness, it was very OTN with the nuns sounding to me like a couple of hoods, but very dim hoods at that... that was a major part of the OTN problem. I didn't believe the dialogue and before the ninja-star-crucifix fight it had lost me I'm afraid.
I also couldn't marry the name of the bar with the script, it seemed like a wrong footed choice to name the piece after a bar that seems to have no relevance to the flow of events. It's not even a creepy sounding bar sort of bar which threw me. There was no description of the bar.
There was an ease with the form here but idea and execution did not really work for me.

The Puppy

Best yet. The dialogue and the action descriptions worked, the title was grim and sick, not too sure about the puppy demands by the little devil-kid brat - sound a bit of an off note, but that's a small point. Nice writing and slick execution. However, I laughed at the end when the name tag for BRENT appeared in the werewolf/creatures mouth. That was not supposed to happen, I'm guessing. At beginning... got a bit confused by the V.O. and had to go back, that could be me. This really hung together to exactly the halfway point, it then lost me a little, the action and the outcome being nothing we haven't seen, it's strong point was on description and there was real atmosphere, hard to achieve, but it got a little over-the-top, in a way that didn't seem to suit the beginning on style and tone.


Monster

I enjoyed the set up and story, but it was bouncing at times between cutesy and sinister, the kids were evil --- the kids are just kids --- the kids are evil, that was the feelings that I got on the read-ride but it was nearly there, more work to get the tone right. I dug the way the monsters appeared everywhere even though this is an old trope, the list of monsters made laugh and for the right reasons.
However, even though I know these are nasty little kids, they seemed a bit too frontal lobe damaged. They sounded like adults at times, I seem to recall. The dialogue was frequently unconvincing, and it's this emotional note all over again, it just felt off.
However it was structured nicely and was building up to something and then.... a major deflation, I feel that it all ran down far too quickly and became an predictable trip home.... and when STEVE finaly turned up it really suffered from cliché.


Nb, general note to all:
I believe I counted three Dodge Charger classic automobiles spread out amongst those twelve scripts, is this the only car in movieland we have for hire?

Last edited by The Road Warrior : 11-02-2015 at 07:55 AM. Reason: famished
The Road Warrior is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 08:17 AM   #14
dpaterso
Member
 
dpaterso's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Caledonia
Posts: 5,705
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Road Warrior View Post
Nb, general note to all:
I believe I counted three Dodge Charger classic automobiles spread out amongst those twelve scripts, is this the only car in movieland we have for hire?
<subtle clearing of throat>
Quote:
Originally Posted by dpaterso View Post
The Halloween contests tend to suggest a horror/scary/creeeepy theme in general, but earn yourself bonus points by including any of the following settings or McGuffins: a cemetery; a morgue; a lighthouse; a priest; nuns; cheerleaders; a 1968 Dodge Charger.
__________________
Nobody knows anything, and I'm nobody.
dpaterso is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 08:36 AM   #15
The Road Warrior
Member
 
The Road Warrior's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,929
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by dpaterso View Post
<subtle clearing of throat>
Okay, okay, so I missed the big reveal. Come on Pardner, cut me some slack!

I scanned that blurb at the beginning of the contest and remembered it as a "suggestions and ideas" only page, like we sometimes do, and not for points, it's a long way back you know, it's way back up-thread. I never go back up-thread as a rule, to back up-thread is to meet undesirables and hang out with the cast of Deliverance, for some reason, when you go back up-thread, you meet a bunch of hobos and bushwhackers and rednecks, it's just not that healthy to go back up-thread and check. So I take that back. I take it back I tell you, do you hear, back, back, back, back, back, what else can I do!!!! I'm a mere mortal. Swiftly falls onto knees, knees in the dirt, hands clasped in religious supplication. Arrrrrrgggggggghhhhh.

Hey you know... next time... how about including that nasty truck out of Spielberg's DUEL?

Last edited by The Road Warrior : 11-02-2015 at 08:49 AM. Reason: invoking bushwhackers
The Road Warrior is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 10:23 AM   #16
Mpimentel
Regular
 
Mpimentel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 433
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by FoxHound View Post
The shittiest script won again. Nice to see the trend continuing

lol, obvious its obvious by my score, I know nothing of what a good script is posed to be.
__________________
"We're going to be rich!" - 1/2 hr COMEDY written/directed/edited by me, I also act in it.
SUBTITLED
Episode 1 (Beef pills)
Episode 2 (African commercial)
Episode 3 (Brenda's rescue)
Mpimentel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 10:36 AM   #17
Mpimentel
Regular
 
Mpimentel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 433
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Road Warrior View Post
Tomato Soup

I really dig tomato soup. However, the title struck me as a little odd, so I thought, okay, so maybe it's just a little out there. This shows some the mistakes of early writing and particularly with the dialogue, however, later in, I really liked the jump and transition, I was throw and it got weird and surreal. I think at that point your writer-brain kicked in and you were in the groove, but sadly, rational man returned and the dialogue and end became clunky again.
This is about dialogue problems. OTN.
Example:

JOHN
You guys were not together. Frankly I did not know about you until you started calling my house with all those threats.


A bit too OTN -- he's giving the game away and in the vein of information-dump, you have to dress it up and disguise it I feel. It's not the worst example but I felt that sort of missing the mark throughout. I also saw bursts of anger or changes of mood that were too extreme, came out of nowhere. Each sounded the wrong emotional notes for me.

I see imagination here and just think that it is about writing and rewriting and trying to get that dialogue to flow and speak how people speak, and not say what you think they should say or produce the information the script needs to make sense at that particular juncture. Nothing that cannot be fixed IMHO. Good effort, great reality-jump later in. Well done. A writer with a feel for the surreal.
I still really dig tomato soup but whenever I have it may takes to looking over my shoulder from now on after that read.

Entering the contest is worth if if just for this kid of feedback! Thanks so much man, I keep hearing the OTN comments for what I write, and still having the same issues!!!! But I will keep improving, thanks again
__________________
"We're going to be rich!" - 1/2 hr COMEDY written/directed/edited by me, I also act in it.
SUBTITLED
Episode 1 (Beef pills)
Episode 2 (African commercial)
Episode 3 (Brenda's rescue)
Mpimentel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 11:40 AM   #18
DeaconBlu
User
 
DeaconBlu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 85
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

>>I am not convinced that we should even be displaying this kind of entry.<<

OK, I'm sorry, won't ever happen again. Too much Game of Thrones maybe.

And I won't be offended if my entry suddenly drops into the ether if it keeps someone in future from being offended.
DeaconBlu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 11:46 AM   #19
Colin Holmes
Regular
 
Colin Holmes's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: DFW, TX
Posts: 271
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Very cool! Congrats RG55! Thanks for the great critiques as well. As usual MANY thanks to DPat for his above and beyond works putting this contest together.

These were the impressions I had as I read them – worth all of two cents.

Tomato Soup
A little clunky for the too long setup for the single gag. I saw that coming early on. Maybe hide the fact that it’s tomato soup – if it’s just soup that Mom’s making and then at the end reveal it’s tomato soup it might not telegraph the big end.

An Incident at the Lighthouse
Nice piece, good concept and characters. I like the reluctant hero and good triumphing over evil. Good action work with the staccato description. Got all of the bonus items in a well built story. The ending took me a second to connect Penny and Sister Penelope.

Little Visitor
Needs something. Lots of description of little unimportant details – Taking pills covers half a page that could have been used to give more detail to the doll or explain how movers only delivered one box. This one had me asking more questions than it answered.

Unravel
Neat idea – Night Court meets the Universal Monsters that suddenly turns left and goes into what the hell is this? Yodel? George Lucas? Just didn’t get it.

Beaver Creek
Properly bizarre and well told. Gets a little confusing when you can’t tell who’s high, who’s alive and who’s dead. I want a reason for the siblings to kill people, or did Mike really kill them and they are just spirits?

Halloween Morning
Other than the title and one unfilmed line of description, there’s nothing that happens to let you know it’s Halloween. Beyond that I like it. Even sounds plausible with the recent hacking of car computers that’s going on.

Shadow Beast
Well written, spooky, good set up, really good description. Didn’t dig the Twilight Zone ending. The one problem I’ve always had with TZ is they get to the end and then don’t solve the puzzle they crafted – what happened and why? I hate being left hanging.

The Bigger the Sin
Well, this was warped in more ways than one. While all the Staci, Laci, Traci… was cute it was also pretty confusing as to who was who. Fine, if you’re doing a Stepford Wives bit where they are all interchangeable but I think that defeats the point of multiple characters.

Monster
Nice piece, good set-up and carry through. A little too large a hat tip to Monsters, Inc. but in no way is that a bad thing.

Hell Dame
Takes a long time to get to the meat of it – lots of exposition to get through rather than showing how the curse/invitation/problem happens. And then it just kind of peters out.

Found Footage
Needs a good proofread – lots of typos, format errors – capitalize names first time through.
This is a confusing story for me – it feels like it goes back and forth and jumps around between the camper and trailer and I had a hard time figuring out where the action was happening. Just too much confusion for me.
Colin Holmes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2015, 11:49 AM   #20
The Road Warrior
Member
 
The Road Warrior's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,929
Default Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mpimentel View Post
Entering the contest is worth if if just for this kid of feedback! Thanks so much man, I keep hearing the OTN comments for what I write, and still having the same issues!!!! But I will keep improving, thanks again
It's quite hard to give reviews because I try to jump over immediately after reading as that is when the "vibe and flow and feel " of the piece is still in my mind.
The Road Warrior is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:05 PM.


Powered by vBulletin Version 3.6.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Done Deal Pro

eXTReMe Tracker