Does this work?

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  • Does this work?

    I posted the other day about VO and the idea was to have two men plot a murder in one scene and show the preamble acted out in a second scene with accompanying VO. The plan was that the plotting convo ends with the murderer hiding in the hotel room waiting for the victim to return so that the script can pick up with the guy already in the room.

    Thing is, I can't get the convo to end with the murderer entering the room and so I can't neatly pick up straight after. What I have is expo how he will get a copy of the key (we see this), arrive at the hotel (we see this), gain entry into the room (we see this) and then the plotters finish off by saying how the kill will be performed, where they will meet up, and the handover of money. But it doesn't feel natural to end the convo with entering the room. So as it stands, the best way I can jig it is they discuss as above then we CUT TO the murderer leaving the bar and going to the victim's room. It doesn't pick up at the end of the expo but takes a step back. Does this work or should I strive to get the expo and the ensuing scene to marry up smoothly?

  • #2
    Re: Does this work?

    I am sorry, I can't clearly see what you mean/intend to happen.
    Perhaps somebody with more experience will be able to help.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Does this work?

      This feels like one of those impossible-to-evaluate-without-actually-reading-it things.

      Maybe post it in the script pages forum?

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Does this work?

        Okay I have really stripped it down. The a/d and dialogue isn't this clipped in the script! It starts off with the two guys talking murder and as they talk about the target entering the hotel and Jimmy being on camera, we see just that.

        The idea was to pick up where the expo left off and no need to retread it. But as the expo finishes with the guys talking about payment for the job, I can't pick up where I want to, with Jimmy already hiding in the wardrobe. Instead I pick up as late as possible, with the target eating dinner and then Jimmy enters the bar (having already covered his entrance in the expo) and I'll have to show him making his way to, and entering, the penthouse.


        Code:
        
                       STUDY
        
                       Sits in a leather chair behind a large desk. 
        
                                           JIMMY
                                 You have an amazing house.
        
                                           BOB
                                Thanks.
        
        
        
                       INT. CLARIDGE HOTEL - LOBBY - AFTERNOON
        
                       Regal and elegant. 
        
                       The doorman opens the door for a BLONDE in her late 30's.
                     
                                           BOB (V.O.)
                                 She's in the penthouse at the
                                 Claridge. 
        
                       She approaches Reception.
        
                                           RECEPTIONIST
                                 Hello Mrs Smith. Let me book you in
                                 The penthouse, I presume?
        
                                           BLONDE WOMAN
                                 Of course.
        
                       The receptionist hands over a card key.
        
                                           RECEPTIONIST
                                 Thank you very much.
        
        
        
                       INT. BOB'S HOUSE - STUDY - DAY
        
                                           BOB
                                 She'll be down for dinner at eight. 
                                 That's when you enter.
        
        
        
                       INT. CLARIDGE HOTEL - LOBBY - EVENING
        
                       The doorman opens the door and Jimmy enters.
        
                                           BOB (V.O.)
                                 You'll be on camera when you enter
                                 so act normal and go to the bar.
        
        
        
                       INT. BOB'S HOUSE - STUDY - DAY
        
                                           BOB
                                 When she's dining, go to the
                                 penthouse and hide in the walk in
                                 wardrobe.
        
                                           JIMMY
                                 How will I get in.
        
                       Bob opens a desk drawer and hands over a card key.
        
                                           BOB
                                 It's what the maids use. 
        
                                           JIMMY
                                 Where will you be during all this?
        
                                           BOB
                                 Assuring my alibi. 
        
                                           JIMMY
                                 What about my money?
        
                                           BOB
                                 After the cops confirm she's dead.
        
                                           JIMMY
                                 And I'm just supposed to trust you?
        
                                           BOB
                                 About as much as I'm supposed to
                                 trust you with cash up front.
        
        
        
                       INT. CLARIDGE HOTEL - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
        
                       The blonde eats her dinner.
        
        
        
                       BAR - CONTINUOUS
        
                       Jimmy enters and approaches the bar.
        Last edited by 1mper1um; 06-29-2011, 10:22 AM.

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        • #5
          Re: Does this work?

          I believe I have a bit of a better idea of what you intend. For what its worth, I think it works the way it is now.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Does this work?

            Thanks. Care to share?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Does this work?

              It works better picking up with the character walking into the hotel. (i.e. The way you wrote it.) It gives the viewer time to get into the plan and sets up expectations for what is to come. Seeing what has just been discussed acted out doesn't feel boring for me. It makes things seem like all is going to plan.

              Well done on getting some writing done! Keep going now, don't stop!

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Does this work?

                Okay, here's the question:

                Are you committed to having the conversation structured the way it is?

                eg - why not turn it around, have them talk about trusting each other up top. Heck, if Bob is untrustworthy (not sure who the protag is) you have foreshadow that here slightly by having him use the details of the plot as a way to stop talking about payment.

                Because my reaction when I was reading this was that I wanted to see more of what Jimmy was doing and less of them just talking about it. This expo came across to me as really dry. Cutting it against more actions will disguise that (Ocean's 11 did a lot of that very effectively) but you can also address it by adding conflict to the conversation - eg, one guy wants to talk about getting paid, the other guy wants to talk about how the job is going to go down. Maybe there's a better choice for the conflict than that, but I'm trying to work off what I'm seeing in the scene as you've written it.

                In answer to your specific question, though, I'm not crazy about how choppy it feels - but that might be your edit for us. But since you establish with the first VO section (of the woman checking in) that you're doing this cutting against the dialog thing, instinctively I want you to keep doing it. Otherwise, what is that first cutaway doing there?

                I feel like, when done well, these "cut two scenes against each other with one narrating the other" things work best if they resolve cleverly - here you have an opportunity for the two scenes to collapse into one in a clever and interesting way, and I don't feel you really do it. Now, is this necessary? Of course not. But it seems like you're missing an opportunity here, for the sake of having the conversation end with talk about the money. I don't know your script so it's possible you have to do it that way, but it feels to me like the tail wagging the dog.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Does this work?

                  Thx Ron,

                  Am I committed? Not totally, I just can't find a way to get in what I need to get in and have it end as I want it - the way you want it to as well. I agree about the cutting away being pointless if we don't continue it, hence my dilemma. I have edited a fair chunk out but the main gist is there so not sure if the edit is the problem.

                  The very reason that it's dry as straight forward expo is why I wanted to do the Ocean's 11 style VO. The problem I have with rerouting the money/trust stuff up front is there is a dramatic (and cool) exchange that ends the scene. But that adds to my problem, it doesn't aid it because to end with that, I cannot complete the VO/action sequence and the whole thing is moot.

                  I'll stew on it some more. But, I have to say, balls.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Does this work?

                    After:
                    "You'll be on camera...."

                    I'd show Jimmy on camera. Maybe a security guard watching Jimmy on camera.

                    "When she's dining...." I'd cut the whole idea of her dining and put in some really specific activity and a time. The idea being that Bob knows her schedule to the minute. This is serious. "She walks the poodle every night at eight P.M. Damn dog has a bladder like a race horse. You'll have five minutes. Ten if Mr Winkie does his big boy business."

                    Then show her doing that, show Jimmy sneaking in, maybe again show us the camera seeing him sneak in. Whatever makes sense here for the story.

                    Then, I'd follow the blonde woman and Mr Winkie back to their doom with VO:
                    "What about my money..." up to "after the cops confirm she's dead." I'd end the VO on that, Blonde walks in, POP POP two muzzle flashes, the door shuts. MR WINKIE YAPS. POP. Poor Mr Winkie. Jimmy walks out. Again the camera can watch him saunter away.

                    Or something like that. Great setup, punch up the dialog a bit with subtext.

                    Hope this helps.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Does this work?

                      Arch,

                      Everything has been heavily edited and dialogue truncated or simplified as per my other thread on VO.

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