Hi
We are first time screen writers that have run into problems on a complicated split-screen scene that we're trying to put down on paper. We're hoping someone could advise us on how it can be done.
Basically we want simultaneous shots of 3 guys in separate houses preparing for a trip. As you can see the shots are introduced one by one and culminate on an external shot of all three leaving their respective abodes at the same time. We have a very clear idea in our heads of how this looks but are far from convinced it's translated well onto paper. Any advice is greatly appreciated, as well as your general feedback on the scenes. Here it is:
Cheers L&M.
SPLIT-SCREEN MONTAGE plays out to the song 'Life' by Sly & the Family Stone.
Shot 1 - INT. STERILE BEDROOM - FRIDAY - EARLY MORNING - LONDON
DYLAN EASTER, early 30s, bowl-cut hair, sensibly dressed in shirt, pressed trousers, white socks and sandals.
A precisely packed suitcase lies open on the bed. Topping the neatly folded items are shoes in clear plastic covers and a green first-aid box.
Dylan lifts a pile of freshly pressed Y-fronts from the top of an ironing board and carefully places them in the suitcase.
He consults a printed checklist and applies the final tick. He nods in satisfaction.
He zips up the suitcases and lifts it from the bed onto a set of scales.
Shot 1 is minimised to sidebar where Dylan slowly makes his way downstairs and out of the house. Remaining screen space becomes
Shot 2.
Shot 2 - INT. CHAOTIC LIVING ROOM - FRIDAY - EARLY MORNING - LONDON
ASHTON WEST, early 30s, unkempt hair, unshaven, slept-in clothes, lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He dashes around the living room, collects discarded clothing. Throws a ragged pair of jeans and a stained T-shirt into a tatty sports bag. Picks up two odd socks from the floor, smells them; holds them at arm's length in disgust. A beat. He shrugs and adds them to the bag. He then exits the room off-screen.
Shot 2 is minimised to sidebar alongside shot 1. Shot 2 continues focusing on the empty room until Ashton returns with an open can of lager. He takes a swig, throws bag over his shoulder and makes his way out of the building. Remaining screen space becomes Shot 3.
Shot 3 - INT. WELL STOCKED KITCHEN - FRIDAY - EARLY MORNING - LONDON
A pre-packed rucksack stands on a kitchen counter. A cat sits either side. A third cat jumps up onto the counter and joins them.
Enter PARMA, early 30s, tall, gangly, hunched shoulders, dressed in slightly ill-fitting clothing, topped by a long overcoat.
He lollops to the fridge, opens the door; emerges with a large slab of Parma cheese. Moving to the counter, surrounded by the three cats, he grabs a knife and chops the wedge into smaller more manageable pieces. He then wraps them in tin foil. Three parcels go into the rucksack, the remaining one into the inside pocket of his coat, alongside a protruding cheese shaver.
Parma pets the cats, picks up the rucksack and exits the kitchen. He moves through a dark hallway towards the front door.
EXT. HOUSEFRONT SHOTS OF Dylan, Ashton & Parma as they simultaneously exit their respective abodes, still in split-screen mode.
Dylan steps purposefully forward, pulls his suitcase along.
Ashton stomps away, bag slung over shoulder, swigging from can of beer.
Parma kisses elderly mother goodbye, bumbles off.
FREEZE FRAME - INSERT TEXT - DYLAN, ASHTON, PARMA.
We are first time screen writers that have run into problems on a complicated split-screen scene that we're trying to put down on paper. We're hoping someone could advise us on how it can be done.
Basically we want simultaneous shots of 3 guys in separate houses preparing for a trip. As you can see the shots are introduced one by one and culminate on an external shot of all three leaving their respective abodes at the same time. We have a very clear idea in our heads of how this looks but are far from convinced it's translated well onto paper. Any advice is greatly appreciated, as well as your general feedback on the scenes. Here it is:
Cheers L&M.
SPLIT-SCREEN MONTAGE plays out to the song 'Life' by Sly & the Family Stone.
Shot 1 - INT. STERILE BEDROOM - FRIDAY - EARLY MORNING - LONDON
DYLAN EASTER, early 30s, bowl-cut hair, sensibly dressed in shirt, pressed trousers, white socks and sandals.
A precisely packed suitcase lies open on the bed. Topping the neatly folded items are shoes in clear plastic covers and a green first-aid box.
Dylan lifts a pile of freshly pressed Y-fronts from the top of an ironing board and carefully places them in the suitcase.
He consults a printed checklist and applies the final tick. He nods in satisfaction.
He zips up the suitcases and lifts it from the bed onto a set of scales.
Shot 1 is minimised to sidebar where Dylan slowly makes his way downstairs and out of the house. Remaining screen space becomes
Shot 2.
Shot 2 - INT. CHAOTIC LIVING ROOM - FRIDAY - EARLY MORNING - LONDON
ASHTON WEST, early 30s, unkempt hair, unshaven, slept-in clothes, lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He dashes around the living room, collects discarded clothing. Throws a ragged pair of jeans and a stained T-shirt into a tatty sports bag. Picks up two odd socks from the floor, smells them; holds them at arm's length in disgust. A beat. He shrugs and adds them to the bag. He then exits the room off-screen.
Shot 2 is minimised to sidebar alongside shot 1. Shot 2 continues focusing on the empty room until Ashton returns with an open can of lager. He takes a swig, throws bag over his shoulder and makes his way out of the building. Remaining screen space becomes Shot 3.
Shot 3 - INT. WELL STOCKED KITCHEN - FRIDAY - EARLY MORNING - LONDON
A pre-packed rucksack stands on a kitchen counter. A cat sits either side. A third cat jumps up onto the counter and joins them.
Enter PARMA, early 30s, tall, gangly, hunched shoulders, dressed in slightly ill-fitting clothing, topped by a long overcoat.
He lollops to the fridge, opens the door; emerges with a large slab of Parma cheese. Moving to the counter, surrounded by the three cats, he grabs a knife and chops the wedge into smaller more manageable pieces. He then wraps them in tin foil. Three parcels go into the rucksack, the remaining one into the inside pocket of his coat, alongside a protruding cheese shaver.
Parma pets the cats, picks up the rucksack and exits the kitchen. He moves through a dark hallway towards the front door.
CUT TO:
Dylan steps purposefully forward, pulls his suitcase along.
Ashton stomps away, bag slung over shoulder, swigging from can of beer.
Parma kisses elderly mother goodbye, bumbles off.
FREEZE FRAME - INSERT TEXT - DYLAN, ASHTON, PARMA.
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