When it comes to "we see", I am in the group of people who prefer to avoid/write-around it if there is a another way to write the action with comparable clarity.
At present, the troublesome part reads as follows:
The "tilt down" and "rise into view" are obviously fudges - i.e., tilting down makes Mars seem to rise into view. Addendum: And, I suppose "tilt down" raises the "don't direct the camera" question, as well.
In any event, I tried writing around "we" and "us" but it required more words and non-colloquial syntax - and, it seemed less clear.
Suggestions for getting rid of the 1st person plural? Or, should I just go with (a version of) this?
BTW, if this were on page 37 of my script I'd be less concerned, but it's on page 2 - where readers' judgements can be more harsh.
At present, the troublesome part reads as follows:
Code:
OUTER SPACE - A SEA OF STARS Stars twinkle. Strangely, a small circle of them disappears, then this circle of darkness grows until... We see there's a massive asteroid flying towards us. The asteroid fills our view then just passes by and we tilt down to see The red planet Mars rise into view.
In any event, I tried writing around "we" and "us" but it required more words and non-colloquial syntax - and, it seemed less clear.
Suggestions for getting rid of the 1st person plural? Or, should I just go with (a version of) this?
BTW, if this were on page 37 of my script I'd be less concerned, but it's on page 2 - where readers' judgements can be more harsh.
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