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Old 02-11-2018, 08:30 AM   #1
HAL 9000
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Default Time passing when everything is ok

Hey everyone, this is my first message here, but I've been reading the forum for a while and it's been helping me a lot.

Maybe you can help me out on this one. I'm writing a short script about a maid that has to find a way to get a great amount of money really quickly to pay her son's debt with gangsters.

Protag asks her boss for a loan and he agrees, but she has to wait until he comes back from a party. Boss is not coming back in time for her to pay the debt and she'll have to steal from him.

So the thing is: I have to find a way to make time pass between protag thinking problem's already solved to protag realizing she's still in trouble. Difficulty is that she thinks she's ok now, so there's no actual conflict for this small period. The option I could come up with was a series of shots of her cleaning the house, but this seems boring to me.

Any ideas or insights would be very much appreciated Hope I made myself clear, as english is not my native language. Thanks!
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Old 02-11-2018, 11:03 AM   #2
TwoBrad Bradley
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

Sounds like its time for the gangsters to make an appearance to increase the threat level.
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Old 02-11-2018, 12:39 PM   #3
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

If it sounds boring to you, chances are it's boring. But it's up to you as the writer to work out story elements like this.

Try putting yourself in this character's place and think about what they would do based on the personality you have created for them, as you understand them.

If the woman is obsessive-compulsive, it might be the most natural thing for her spend that time cleaning. But if she's reckless, maybe she'll go out and get drunk. Or if she's soulful and introspective, maybe it's yoga. The point is, nobody knows your character better than you.
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Old 02-13-2018, 02:24 AM   #4
Centos
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

Instead of the boss being late with the money, you could have the gangsters demand the payment sooner. That immediately ratchets up the tension and the maid has to act now. Same result without the wait.
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Old 02-15-2018, 01:07 PM   #5
HAL 9000
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

Thank you all for the suggestions! I'm still figuring out what to do, and your tips helped a lot.
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Old 04-01-2018, 07:34 PM   #6
zz9
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

Okay, know this is a few weeks old but my thought:

Phones boss, asks for loan.
Boss says no problem, just has to say hi to a couple of people at the party he's at and he'll be home right away.
Protag phones gangsters and says she'll have the money in an hour.
Montage of shots intercutting between boss getting more and more involved in the party and getting more and more drunk in every cut, taking his shirt off, throwing back shots, in conga line etc with every cut of protag showing her sitting in his home watching clock, tapping fingers, flicking through magazine then vacuuming, changing sheets on beds, rotating tyres on car etc etc.
Ending up with her finding big pile of cash in the back of a drawer or somewhere, and her looking at it realising it's the only solution.
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Old 04-01-2018, 07:53 PM   #7
JoeBanks
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

Quote:
Originally Posted by HAL 9000 View Post
Protag asks her boss for a loan and he agrees, but she has to wait until he comes back from a party. Boss is not coming back in time for her to pay the debt and she'll have to steal from him.
this feels like a pointless contrivance if she's just going to end up stealing from him anyway. have him either turn her down from the start or don't even ask in the first place. just steal it if you're going to steal it
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Old 04-20-2018, 09:42 PM   #8
amandag
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

Have you considered just cutting right to the clock?

Maid calls him at five. He says, "I'll have the money for you at eight. "

Cut to: THE CLOCK: 8:15. She stares at it (need to make sure the timing is cut super close for her anyway. Meaning 8:15 is already late, but she can make it by a hair's breath.)

Can increase the suspense by not telling audience where boss is coming from or why he hasn't shown up. Audience can wonder, have the bad guys gotten to him (for some reason that would be logical in your script)? You can have even more fun when she breaks into his office to steal his money... and may find him somewhere dead in the room.

Not sure if that's what you're going for, but I would just go right to the clock. Good luck!
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Old 04-21-2018, 11:07 AM   #9
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Default Re: Time passing when everything is ok

She can't call the mobsters and tell them she needs another hour or two?
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