Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

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  • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

    I'd change the name; it needs more depth. I'd also add in "frightened" to make the reader feel even more empathy for the bear:

    After his beloved 8 year old owner is kidnapped by merciless monsters from the "Shadowlands," a tiny, frightened teddy bear named Fluffy must embark on a dangerous quest to rescue the only boy who's ever loved him.
    I'm never wrong. Reality is just stubborn.

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    • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

      Cool, thanks!
      www.JustinSloanAuthor.com

      http://www.CreativeWritingCareer.com
      http://www.MilitaryVeteransinCreativeCareers.com

      Twitter: @JustinMSloan

      Want a free book?

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      • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

        Stainjm, I actually think the logline you first posted in this thread was just fine. Its simple and easy to see what the story will be. You don't need to throw adjectives at it.
        Chicks Who Script podcast

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        • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

          Stainjm,

          "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof, **** detector. This is the writer's radar and all great writers have had it."

          Ernest Hemingway

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          • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

            Good to hear and thanks for weighing in!

            I also like simplicity, but maybe will try both on inktip etc and see if one does better than the other. I imagine some pros (like you) like simplicity while others like all those extra things thrown in?

            One reason I like simplicity in the logline, is that the script should also be minimalistic, so why make the logline flowery?
            Something for me to figure out.
            www.JustinSloanAuthor.com

            http://www.CreativeWritingCareer.com
            http://www.MilitaryVeteransinCreativeCareers.com

            Twitter: @JustinMSloan

            Want a free book?

            Comment


            • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

              Originally posted by emily blake View Post
              Stainjm, I actually think the logline you first posted in this thread was just fine. Its simple and easy to see what the story will be. You don't need to throw adjectives at it.
              The logline is an agent's/producer's first look at your writing ability. If you're a pro, it can be 8 blase words long, fine, but for an amateur?

              Remember, agent's already think (know?) 99% of us are crappy writers. Why bolster their belief with bland, colorless loglines?
              I'm never wrong. Reality is just stubborn.

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              • The Black List: H.G. WELLS' THE CHRONIC ARGONAUTS

                I just got the results of our first professional review for H.G. WELLS' THE CHRONIC ARGONAUTS by Dan Goforth:
                https://blcklst.com/members/script/6828

                PREMISE - 6/10
                PLOT - 7/10
                CHARACTERS - 7/10
                DIALOG - 8/10
                OVERALL - 7/10
                I feel pretty good about that.

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                • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

                  yeah, 7 isn't bad!
                  www.JustinSloanAuthor.com

                  http://www.CreativeWritingCareer.com
                  http://www.MilitaryVeteransinCreativeCareers.com

                  Twitter: @JustinMSloan

                  Want a free book?

                  Comment


                  • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

                    No fair! This was an adaption! Wells did all the hard work for you already.
                    I'm never wrong. Reality is just stubborn.

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                    • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

                      Our script is back up on Blacklist with its second paid review -- another 7.
                      "The writers do an impressive job of setting things in motion earlier in the script that pay off later. Also, Gabriella is an incredibly fun and endearing character. Even with his trust issues, Nick and Gabriella have a great dynamic and their scenes are consistently entertaining."

                      We put up a new logline: "A down-on-his-luck P.I. struggles to lose the loan shark on his ass while transporting the world's most aggravating client -- a beautiful nutjob who thinks she's his guardian angel."

                      We also have a new title: Fuc&ed Up by an Angel

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                      • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

                        Originally posted by FoxHound View Post
                        No fair! This was an adaption! Wells did all the hard work for you already.
                        Then maybe I should stick his estate with some of cost to host on the Black List.

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                        • Re: The Black List: Only two more days...

                          My script, a semi-finalist in Amazon Studios 2011 Screenplay contest, is on the blacklist for just two more days. Here's the link:

                          Mr. Malcolm's List

                          It received a 7 overall (darn it, so close!) but did receive an 8 for dialogue so I was hopeful that would generate some downloads. However, my month is almost up and I've only had one download, from the paid reader. So it seems silly to pay $25/month to continue hosting it when no one is reading it.

                          Any industry pros out there with a blacklist membership, you only have today and tomorrow to check out the script that the paid reader said was "charming and fun with plenty of turns, misunderstandings, and social mishaps. The characters are well-drawn and distinct...The dialogue is excellent without being over-wrought or cheesy and is playful and believable. Overall, the script is enjoyable, has a feel-good ending, and leaves the reader with a pleasant and satisfying feeling."

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                          • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

                            Posted a rewrite of "Cities" a few weeks ago and got a 7, woo-hoo!

                            Logline (Not my strong suit):When a supercomputer enslaves a metropolis by manipulating medical devices and annihilates those who resist with its army, a droid captain learns the meaning of humanity as he helps a rebel free his people and avenge the murder of his father.

                            In defense of my logline, I did get three downloads before the review score came back.

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                            • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

                              Originally posted by nativeson View Post
                              Posted a rewrite of "Cities" a few weeks ago and got a 7, woo-hoo!

                              Logline (Not my strong suit):When a supercomputer enslaves a metropolis by manipulating medical devices and annihilates those who resist with its army, a droid captain learns the meaning of humanity as he helps a rebel free his people and avenge the murder of his father.

                              In defense of my logline, I did get three downloads before the review score came back.
                              Haven't been on in a while, which I hate, cause I've been too busy rewriting "Forever-Men" into a totally different story, BUT I had to come and congratulate you.

                              Awesome!

                              Though, I don't think you mean
                              who resist with its army,
                              You probably mean
                              who resist its army.

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                              • Re: Will you consider rating my blcklst hosted script?

                                I'm not on the BL site. But based on the loglines posted here, if I were a DoD I'd definitely request:

                                LRic54's APPEARANCES: An upstanding member of the Long Island Jewish Community is accused of falsifying his identity as a Holocaust survivor to cover his past as a Nazi war criminal.

                                and

                                Margie Kaptanoglu's SY BORGMAN: Transferring his mind into an android’s body, a scientist becomes a servant droid to his ex-girlfriend hoping to eventually win her back.

                                Each of them piqued my interest -- I could envision both cinematic and moral conflicts. Those titles aren't very catchy but they do their job. I believe Margie's revised logline also creates more empathy for the protagonist when compared with the previous iteration: "A pampered scientist finds himself trapped inside the artificial body of a servant-class android after uploading his mind into it for the purpose of spying on his ex-girlfriend to figure out how to win her back." The goal is now softer, however, and it may be better to swap it for your original: "...to figure out how to win her back."

                                Though they are slightly more lo-fi in my opinion, I could easily envision wickedlies' The Mascot as a Will Ferrell/Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson-type vehicle and Howie428's revisionist "A Halloween Carol" as a Tim Burton/Pixar picture.

                                Interesting concepts all.

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