Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

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  • Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

    I think the following is clear enough so you can at least figure out what the scene is supposed to look like. But is it actually as clear as it should/can be?

    Code:
    FADE IN:
    
    INT. OLD-MONEY MANSION, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
    
    SENATOR JONES beams, smiling his big, attractive smile, 
    as a roomful of unseen people LAUGH heartily.
    
    He's seen on a huge TV in this large, beautifully 
    decorated room, as 90 people in expensive-looking 
    cocktail attire watch attentively.
    
    This is a $25,000-per-couple political fundraiser.
    
                        SENATOR JONES
              But again, I'm truly sorry I
              can't be there with you tonight.
    Clear?

    Or do I need to say something along the lines of, "He's not actually here, but on a TV screen -- watched by a roomful of wealthy-looking people..."

  • #2
    Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

    Looks pretty good. I probably start with CLOSE ON the senator, then PULL BACK TO REVEAL we're in... And then slug it.

    But yours is clear. Just whatever style works for you.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

      Jeff, thanks for the feedback. And I do like your alt version - which is visually smoother than mine.

      The fact that, with your version, I'd flout 3 rules at the very top of page 1... Well, that makes it all the more intriguing. I'll have to consult my nads.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

        Originally posted by Manchester View Post
        Jeff, thanks for the feedback. And I do like your alt version - which is visually smoother than mine.

        The fact that, with your version, I'd flout 3 rules at the very top of page 1... Well, that makes it all the more intriguing. I'll have to consult my nads.
        Just for the record, I'd probably do it Jeff's way as well.

        NMS

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

          I agree that both options are clear.

          And it would also be clear to describe the scene straight up:
          "Ninety rich people watch the senator on closed circuit TV ..."

          So the question becomes, why the reveal? Why here?

          Does it have something to do with the STORY? Does it setup a future payoff? Is the writer taking a risk with being clever when he doesn't need to?
          "I am the story itself; its source, its voice, its music."
          - Clive Barker, Galilee

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

            Originally posted by TwoBrad Bradley View Post
            I agree that both options are clear.

            And it would also be clear to describe the scene straight up:
            "Ninety rich people watch the senator on closed circuit TV ..."

            So the question becomes, why the reveal? Why here?

            Does it have something to do with the STORY? Does it setup a future payoff? Is the writer taking a risk with being clever when he doesn't need to?
            Thanks to you and NMS for the feedback.

            As for your questions, here's my reasoning: If this were a scene somewhere along the way in the script, then describing the people first could work, and might be the way to go. That is: Set the scene, and then set the focus.

            But this is the script's very first image. Top of page 1. I simply want that first image to be this guy's smiling face, as unseen people laugh.

            .
            Last edited by Manchester; 09-12-2013, 10:06 AM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

              It's clear that he's not in the room when he all but says it. But, for me, it wasn't clear until then. So I think the answer to this question really depends on your intention.

              Do you want us to think that he's in the room until you reveal the TV screen? Or should we be aware that we're looking at an image of the senator on a TV?

              I'd do something like Jeff.
              Code:
              CLOSE ON:
              
              SENATOR JONES flashing a wry, political smile as he soaks in the LAUGHTER 
              from an unseen audience. 
              
              SENATOR JONES
              But again, I'm truly sorry I 
              couldn't be there with you tonight.
              
              PULL BACK to reveal that we are:
              
              INT. OLD-MONEY MANSION -- NIGHT
              A large, beautifully decorated room filled to the brim with nearly one-hundred 
              GUESTS in expensive-looking cocktail attire. Snacking on hors d'oeuvres, sipping 
              cocktails and champagne, but all of them are captivated, enraptured by the IMAGE 
              of Senator Jones on an...
              
              80-INCH FLAT SCREEN
              mounted above a roaring fire, as the Senator continues...

              And then continue the scene or end it or whatever.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                At first I skipped "unseen" when reading and his being on TV came as a distracting surprise, yes. Mainly because he's in the same sentence as his audience, so we the skipping readers imagine them together. Jeff's method sounds great!

                What I don't like more, however, is how he says he's not there and we see he's not there. It's spoiling the punch. He should say "It feels wonderful to be with you tonight." and then we reveal he's on TV. :-)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                  Originally posted by Manchester View Post
                  I think the following is clear enough so you can at least figure out what the scene is supposed to look like. But is it actually as clear as it should/can be?

                  Code:
                  FADE IN:
                  
                  INT. OLD-MONEY MANSION, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                  
                  SENATOR JONES beams, smiling his big, attractive smile, 
                  as a roomful of unseen people LAUGH heartily.
                  
                  He's seen on a huge TV in this large, beautifully 
                  decorated room, as 90 people in expensive-looking 
                  cocktail attire watch attentively.
                  
                  This is a $25,000-per-couple political fundraiser.
                  
                                      SENATOR JONES
                            But again, I'm truly sorry I
                            can't be there with you tonight.
                  Clear?

                  Or do I need to say something along the lines of, "He's not actually here, but on a TV screen -- watched by a roomful of wealthy-looking people..."
                  All I can say is this is a forshadow of a fellow who is a.) too ******** to show up at an award given in his honor or b.) he's in trouble and his whereabouts are unknown. Good scene. Cut 'this is a $25k per couple fundraiser'. The reader is figuring this out as you move along with your story.
                  si

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                    Originally posted by Manchester View Post
                    ... I simply want that first image to be this guy's smiling face, as unseen people laugh.

                    .
                    I'm thinking it must be more than that. The scene could have opened on the senator's face with him in the room.

                    I'm thinking your intent is for me (the reader or audience member):
                    - to not like the senator.
                    - to not like the people in the room.
                    - to guess that the next thing (first for the reader) the senator says will be a lie.

                    If this is wrong then the intent is unclear and could take a while for the reader/audience to come around to what you intend.
                    "I am the story itself; its source, its voice, its music."
                    - Clive Barker, Galilee

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                      Maybe if your pull-back is a surprise this doesn't apply, but the only thing I'd add is that I like to denote that when a speaker is on a TV:

                      Makes it pretty foolproof for readers. Particularly when you've got one of those scenes where people in the main scene are talking back to the TV or commenting about what is being said on TV.

                      SENATOR MCGONAGLE (ON TV)
                      Four score and seven years ago....

                      UNCLE LARRY
                      Damn politicians. Always scoring.

                      AUNT ANN
                      Quiet! I wanna hear.

                      DEBATE MODERATOR (ON TV)
                      If I may interrupt...
                      Last edited by ExtHollywoodDay; 09-13-2013, 01:17 PM.
                      - - - - - - -
                      Script consulting still going strong.

                      Details and updates here, as always: http://messageboard.donedealpro.com/...ead.php?t=9901

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                        Originally posted by ExtHollywoodDay View Post
                        Maybe if your pull-back is a surprise this doesn't apply, but the only thing I'd add is that I like to denote that when a speaker is on a TV:

                        Makes it pretty foolproof for readers. Particularly when you've got one of those scenes where people in the main scene are talking back to the TV or commenting about what is being said on TV.

                        SENATOR MCGONAGLE (ON TV)
                        Four score and seven years ago....
                        ON TV. You're right; I forgot to include that. Thanks.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                          Originally posted by TwoBrad Bradley View Post
                          I'm thinking it must be more than that. The scene could have opened on the senator's face with him in the room.

                          I'm thinking your intent is for me (the reader or audience member):
                          - to not like the senator.
                          - to not like the people in the room.
                          - to guess that the next thing (first for the reader) the senator says will be a lie.
                          Huh. You're right about the first one, which seems reasonable to conclude. You're also right about the second one, which is a nice surprise for me. As for the third one - Yes. When he speaks, he lies.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                            Originally posted by ATB View Post
                            Do you want us to think that he's in the room until you reveal the TV screen? Or should we be aware that we're looking at an image of the senator on a TV?
                            Agree this is the key - the answer to the OP question depends on this.
                            "Friends make the worst enemies." Frank Underwood

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Being clear when someone we see isn't actually in the room

                              Originally posted by Manchester View Post
                              I simply want that first image to be this guy's smiling face, as unseen people laugh.
                              -- What you have works. The separate paragraph implies the camera moved from the Senator's smiling face to a wider shot, revealing the crowd and TV, but if you wish to have a strong focus from the viewer/reader on the Senator's face, first image, and then have the camera pull back to reveal the character's true surroundings, I would go with Jeff's suggestion.

                              For example:

                              FADE IN:

                              SENATOR JONES beams, smiling his big, attractive smile. Sounds of hearty laughter.

                              We move back and see...

                              INT. OLD-MONEY MANSION - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

                              He's on a 105-inch T.V. screen in a huge, opulent room with 90 PEOPLE dressed in black tie and evening gowns.

                              Comment

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