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Old 12-13-2016, 04:48 PM   #11
Mpimentel
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Default Re: Reader's comment

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Originally Posted by omjs View Post
In general, the most important thing with dialogue is that it suits the character, not the writer. I think you may be misunderstanding something you've read, in that sense. Different characters will make different choices about shortening sentences, dropping words, etc., and each choice you make will communicate something different about who they are.
I'll +1 and also bring this up.

I did a short script once (for a contest in these forums actually), where one character was Russian and had a heavy accent. For that character I actually would spell words how they sounded from him. "We vant it all" instead of "We want it all," and it worked! However, the rest of the characters spoke without the accent so I wrote them normally.

YODA speaks backwards, and that works too. But again, most of the other characters speak in a way we think "normal."

My point is, if all your characters speak with the same language mishaps, then at that point either you are creating a new world with a new language or you are misusing the language altogether. If all your characters drop the "an, and, a, the" then it become apparent that it's not a style, rather a lack of grasp on the correct use of the language. You need to show that you can actually do it right first, in order to then break those rules somewhere else.
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Old 12-13-2016, 07:01 PM   #12
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Default Re: Reader's comment

If you want to get somewhere as a writer, you really can't rely on programs like spellcheck. As you've discovered, using those programs has put you in a position where you still have multiple readers complaining about your command of English. "Half-decent," isn't gonna win you much in a competition.

Maybe if you come up with some brilliant concept, people will overlook the poor grammar, buy your script and have you rewritten. It sounds more like you're trying to start a career though, instead of making one big sale, so you'll need to figure out a permanent solution.

Personally? If I pick up some script that's a run-of-the-mill concept full of characters who are supposed to be native English speakers saying things like, "call ambulance," I'd be likely to put the script back down.

You should find a person to proofread for you.
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Old 12-14-2016, 01:44 AM   #13
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Default Re: Reader's comment

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Originally Posted by Ronaldinho View Post
In all three of those cases I probably like the shorter version in a void
Thanks. You just made my day, probably the whole next year.
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Old 12-14-2016, 01:48 AM   #14
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Is there a way you can partner with a native English speaker?
In my country? Almost no chance.
Our basic English knowledge starts and ends with 150 words, they teach us in ground school, “How do you do? Do you how – how?”

You have probably already noticed that on your next First Lady; I mean, every time she appears she speaks (and looks) as if she just did a blowjob gone wrong on King Kong (not meaning Trump by that).

Getting someone oversea to go through all my work is a whole new game for me, since, you have no idea with whom you deal with or what are his or her goals, expertise…
And expecting that someone would waste his precious time to read my work and getting nothing from me (I seriously doubt that someone would be interested in my comments).

For now, it is simpler for me to post a question here and there on Done Deal, and get the rest of my knowledge from books of the masters of the industry and internet.

On one side, one of my scripts in 2016 Nichols got two positive scores. It was not enough for a third read, but still, it is an improvement from to 2015 results.

The TV pilot that got into the second round in Austin Festival also got good comments from the second reader. Correcting the “mistakes,” he mentioned is something I will deal in upcoming week or so. I will post the reader’s comment to another post in here, if you are interested in it.
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Old 12-14-2016, 01:55 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Mpimentel View Post
You need to show that you can actually do it right first, in order to then break those rules somewhere else.
Could not agree more with that.

I dropped the "an, and, a, the" from the dialogue only on occasions when my European style was pleased with it, and yes, it was obviously too much.

The readers’ comments for the TV pilot that made it in this year’s Austin to the second round show that even with all my limitations, I am doing at least something right.

I would dare to disagree with the second round reader about the missing main protagonist. To me at least that is the mother/scientist whose daughter is the first sign that the upgrade is not 100% effective. She has the highest motivation and goal to make their upgrade work.

“Concept: Yes this is seems fresh and different from other takes on worldwide contagions. With the idea of a virus acting like a computer virus and hacking the brains of children and the US coming up with an "upgrade" cure that they do not share and has unexpected side effects.

Plot: The world is full of tensions on several flavors. The tension created when a parent loses a child, the tension of what a parent would do to save a child, the tension of what other countries would do to acquire the upgrade cure. Efficient imagery you empathize very strongly with the characters.
Structure: This one has a clear beginning, middle and end. There is a very sttrong premise and inciting incident. Pacing draws you through the story effective. Clear critical decisions to kick of act two and three.

Characters: Characters are believable. You feel the pain of each and every parent referenced. There is nice development evident in Vivian and various other main character. Like the little sort of Firestarter/Village of the Damned nod at the end with little Bette.

Dialogue: Dialogue work well. there is not a lot of extended narration, the story is told by the actions of the characters. If you took away the names you would still be able to tell which of the main characters are speaking. Since many of the characters are children the dialogue indicates the age of the character

Overall: This is a strong pilot. There are an ample number of story lines to drive a fullseries. There is a strong premise that will be relate-able to every parent or parent to be out there. It has strong protagonists and antagonists. There are directions of character development established early that are interesting. I am hard pressed to think of a scene that does not advance the plot or reveal character. It is easy to see how this would be successful given the history of shows like Helix, Adromeda Strain, the last Ship and Znation.”

“(Second Round reader)

Concept: Given the popularity of contagion films and TV shows - CW just started CONTAINMENT - this script provides an intriguing idea. It also presents a different twist on the regular epidemic story. Here, a computer virus infects the brains of children, and the US has an upgrade it’s not quite willing to share. The pilot opens up so many possibilities and leaves open several story threads down the road.

Plot: In a world where terrorists are able to hack into children’s brains to spread a virus, the United States has an upgrade other nations desperately want. As exciting as the premise is, the plot could be so much more than it is. Though modernizing an virus-epidemic story with ISIL makes it topical. The writer, however, needs to establish a clear protagonist. You can have many characters, and this script throws many out there, but someone needs to be the protagonist, even in an epidemic story. Some scenes should be trimmed - i.e. the Kai-Luca training scene which does not move the story forward. Nice reveal re. Malik’s daughter (p. 54).

Structure: Clear beginning, middle and end. Good teaser that pulls us into the world. The act breaks could be stronger. The pacing is mostly good. The story, for some reason, slows down during the Kai-Luca scenes. Those need to be punched up.

Characters: While Adrian, Roscoe, Destiny, Vivian, Malik et al make for interesting characters, the writer throws out so many characters in the pilot, it can be a bit overwhelming. By p. 18, at least 17 characters had been introduced. That’s way too many. The main characters are distinct. But the lack of a clear protagonist, a result ofway too many characters, works against this story. Even stories such as this - OUTBREAK, CONTAGION, CONTAINMENT, THE WALKING DEAD - always have a clear protagonist.

Dialogue: Dialogue works. Even though it’s a foreign world to us, the writer does well to explain the situation quickly and in understandable ways. (S)he rightly relies more on action than dialogue to propel the story. Dialogue reflects the characters and moves the story forward.

Overall: A truly intriguing premise. Given the popularity of epidemic movies and TV shows, this could prove to be attractive. However, you need to make clear who the protagonist is. Stories such as this -OUTBREAK, CONTAGION, THE WALKING DEAD, CONTAINMENT, THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN, THE LAST SHIP - all have protagonists who are distinct; we know who they are. There are way too many characters introduced in the pilot; by p. 18, at least 17 characters had been introduced. The pacing seems to slow down during the Kai-Luca scenes. Not sure the training scene does anything for this story. Nice reveal about Malik’s daughter (p. 54). Good luck with the rewrite.”
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Old 12-17-2016, 01:56 AM   #16
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Somehow, I always believed that dialogue should be punchy, original, short, and most importantly nothing like 100% correct grammatics.
'Short and punchy' does not mean language that is inconsistent with native-speaker use.

'Call ambulance' is simply not the way that a speaker of English would ever speak unless he was dying or was otherwise unable to get all the words out. It would always be 'call an ambulance'.

For the subtleties of definite and indefinite articles (the, a/an), you just have to read English literature and pay close attention to the use and burn it into your brain.
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Old 12-22-2016, 10:48 PM   #17
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Who are the mods?

I forget how to use a message board.

When I compulsively check in, I can't get the threads to refresh. "New posts" doesn't do it nor does going to "today's posts" in quick links

Why can't life be better? Why must I feel such pain in my membrane?
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Old 12-25-2016, 07:47 AM   #18
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Default Re: Reader's comment

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Who are the mods?

I forget how to use a message board.

When I compulsively check in, I can't get the threads to refresh. "New posts" doesn't do it nor does going to "today's posts" in quick links

Why can't life be better? Why must I feel such pain in my membrane?
See my post on this here.
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