This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

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  • This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

    Normally, I wouldn't pay this much mind, but I had two readers who recently criticized me for lines that have otherwise flown under the radar. Here are a few examples (out of many) with the names and situations altered to protect the guilty.

    Context: Happy-go-lucky Tim confides to Sarah that he attempted suicide.

    My line for her reaction: "Sarah's stomach flips."
    Criticism: I can't see a stomach flip. Describe facial expressions.

    Context: John has been pining for Brooke. Talking to her on the phone, he finally gathers the courage to lay all his cards on the table. Her reply does not come immediately.

    Line: "A pause that's killing him."
    Criticism: What does “A pause that’s killing him” look like? Faces, dude.

    Context: Nicky failed to recover a flash-drive from a VIP's penthouse. Bourne's hidden in the house.

    Lines: EXT. CITY STREET
    Nicky frantically punches out a text...

    INT. PENTHOUSE
    Off the text, Bourne zeroes in on the flash drive.

    Criticism: "Off the text" implies. SHOW what we see that tells us this.


    I can think of ways to improve each of these, especially the last one, so I'm grateful my attention has been drawn to them, but I think each has a visual component suited for screenwriting. Are these descriptions insufficiently concrete?

  • #2
    Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

    Originally posted by Unfinishe View Post
    Normally, I wouldn't pay this much mind, but I had two readers who recently criticized me for lines that have otherwise flown under the radar. Here are a few examples (out of many) with the names and situations altered to protect the guilty.

    Context: Happy-go-lucky Tim confides to Sarah that he attempted suicide.

    My line for her reaction: "Sarah's stomach flips."
    Criticism: I can't see a stomach flip. Describe facial expressions.
    An actor can play this. That's their job. I can visualize it.
    Context: John has been pining for Brooke. Talking to her on the phone, he finally gathers the courage to lay all his cards on the table. Her reply does not come immediately.

    Line: "A pause that's killing him."
    Criticism: What does "A pause that's killing him- look like? Faces, dude.

    Context: Nicky failed to recover a flash-drive from a VIP's penthouse. Bourne's hidden in the house.
    In this case, the context absolutely informs the character's action. Absolutely something an actor can "play."
    Lines: EXT. CITY STREET
    Nicky frantically punches out a text...

    INT. PENTHOUSE
    Off the text, Bourne zeroes in on the flash drive.

    Criticism: "Off the text" implies. SHOW what we see that tells us this.
    It's clear to me. If you can say, "off his look," you can say, "off the text."

    I can think of ways to improve each of these, especially the last one, so I'm grateful my attention has been drawn to them, but I think each has a visual component suited for screenwriting. Are these descriptions insufficiently concrete?
    Personally, I don't have a problem with any of these, and the comments that you CAN'T see it is ridiculous-- this is the actor's job and they CAN and WILL interpret these actions and more importantly, physicalize them. That's their job.

    Sometimes you just have to KNOW that you're doing fine.

    Now, if you are on page one of a screenplay and you say this...

    "She opened her eyes. The blue skies and bright son reminded her of the summer of 1969," I'd be, like, dude, no ****ing way, you can't do that. It's the mind reading **** that literally CAN'T be shown that is a no, no.

    Good luck, and keep up the good work.
    "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

      "Sarah's stomach flips."


      Maybe you are getting legit criticism but for the wrong reason. I don't think the issue is whether or not an actor can play this; to me, it's just a boring read.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

        I'm with FA4. Any actor worth their salt should take this and know what to do with it.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

          There's nothing wrong with your examples, so I'd attribute it to the subjectivity of the reader or readers and move on. Same can be said of the poster who deems your work "a boring read" based on a couple lines from the script. Good luck.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

            A personal quirk: I hate writing facial reactions yet it is possible many industry readers expect them. I wonder if you had left out those lines entirely if the readers would have questioned them at all.

            Let's look at this one:
            Context: Happy-go-lucky Tim confides to Sarah that he attempted suicide.

            My line for her reaction: "Sarah's stomach flips.

            Criticism: I can't see a stomach flip. Describe facial expressions.

            You can imply Sarah's facial reaction with her dialogue without describing her face at all.

            SARAH
            You're freaking me out.

            Or, use a wryly with less on-the-nose dialog:

            SARAH
            (Rattled, uneasy)
            You want to talk about it?

            Then again you may want her to deflect:

            SARAH
            (Rattled, uneasy)
            You take your coffee black, right?

            When I think I need to show a reaction in an action line I've sparingly used italicized descriptions like:

            Instead of saying a character looks shocked...

            WTF?! Mike storms out.

            Instead of saying a character briefly winced upon hearing something...

            Ouch. That hurt. Jane regains her composure.

            Or, sometimes I use a prose fiction narrator technique like:

            Jane isn't buying it but she smiles anyway.

            Just be clear. Frankly, for me, writing 'Sarah's stomach flips,' is not clear to me. Is she shaken up by what she heard? Extremely shocked? Fearful?

            I suspect the criticism you received was due to lack of clarity and not a directive to describe facial reactions a certain way.
            Advice from writer, Kelly Sue DeConnick. "Try this: if you can replace your female character with a sexy lamp and the story still basically works, maybe you need another draft.-

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

              Something to remember... your face isn't the only part of your body that can express a reaction to a stimuli, physical pain, psychological pain, or even fear.

              A person's entire body is a tool.

              I have a series of really great books based on the idea of a thesaurus, which illustrates all the various ways a person expresses not only a specific emotional state, but also the psychological behaviors human beings use to respond to threats and crisis.

              They are fantastic for creating characters with a lot of depth, can help a writer make certain their characters behave consistently to their character flaws and weaknesses, their emotional state and motives. Motivation very powerful.

              https://writershelpingwriters.net/th...s-collections/

              The Urban Setting Thesaurus
              The Positive Trait Thesaurus
              The Negative Trait Thesaurus
              The Emotion Thesaurus
              The Emotional Wound Thesaurus

              These books are very easy to use. I use them for every character. If will tell you what is good about a specific negative trait and what is bad (taken to the extreme). They will tell you where the trait may originate from in a person, the psychology behind it, the behaviors that arise, how the trait is expressed through physicalizing, what motives the person and what kind of character would contrast with them. The latter is especially good because it helps a writer create tension and build conflict between characters with opposing of different views.

              Personally, I love them. I write asides and nonverbal expressions for characters that an actor can physicalize, but there are some people/readers that simply cannot form great visualization. Context will play a big part as well.

              FA4
              Last edited by finalact4; 12-23-2019, 08:09 PM.
              "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                FA4: Wow. That's some collection of ... what's the plural of Thesaurus?

                I'm a longtime people watcher and eavesdropper. I usually wear sunglasses to be less obvious. Though these days the practice isn't as fruitful with most folks keeping their eyes glued to their cellphones and texting.

                I tend to use the traits, verbal/facial expressions and tics of people I know or knew in the past.

                Still, that link you shared is a good resource to help stimulate ideas. Thanks.
                Advice from writer, Kelly Sue DeConnick. "Try this: if you can replace your female character with a sexy lamp and the story still basically works, maybe you need another draft.-

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                  Thanks for everyone's input. And thanks for the resources!

                  As F4A mentioned earlier, context is critical. In retrospect maybe these little snippets are more like the "sip tests" of the 80s cola wars. If we're given just a taste then some might play better than others because they're initially more striking.

                  I agree that a line like "stomach flips" is not entirely clear. There's going to be more daylight between what I might imagine versus what a reader might imagine than if I were to describe a specific facial expression. However, in fairness, the manner in which Sarah takes on this suicide admission will also be informed by the previous thirty pages, where we learned she's racked with feelings of guilt and self-loathing, due in large in part to fact she's working undercover for the government to prosecute and imprison Tim and his friends. She's already playing a role, so her reaction is somewhat uncertain and bottled. Moreover, Tim's admission is not a teary-eyed outpouring; there's intimacy, but he presents it as something from his past that he's put well behind him. As soon as Tim and Sarah are apart, she releases her pent up energy in a manner that's much less subtle.

                  The first time we meet a character, maybe we need to describe his line delivery as "fatally sarcastic." By p. 85, we get the idea. Granted, maybe on p. 33, "stomach flips" does not give the reader enough (or it's too boring, or whatever), but it's something I thought people would have little trouble seeing.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                    Originally posted by sc111 View Post
                    FA4: Wow. That's some collection of ... what's the plural of Thesaurus?
                    Thesauri.
                    Just my 2 cents, your mileage may vary.

                    -Steve Trautmann
                    3rd & Fairfax: The WGAW Podcast

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                      Originally posted by KitchonaSteve View Post
                      Thesauri.
                      Nice. Ten gold stars to you, KitchonaSteve.
                      "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                        Originally posted by Unfinishe View Post
                        Normally, I wouldn't pay this much mind, but I had two readers who recently criticized me for lines that have otherwise flown under the radar. Here are a few examples (out of many) with the names and situations altered to protect the guilty.

                        Context: Happy-go-lucky Tim confides to Sarah that he attempted suicide.

                        My line for her reaction: "Sarah's stomach flips."
                        Criticism: I can't see a stomach flip. Describe facial expressions.

                        Context: John has been pining for Brooke. Talking to her on the phone, he finally gathers the courage to lay all his cards on the table. Her reply does not come immediately.

                        Line: "A pause that's killing him."
                        Criticism: What does "A pause that's killing him- look like? Faces, dude.

                        Context: Nicky failed to recover a flash-drive from a VIP's penthouse. Bourne's hidden in the house.

                        Lines: EXT. CITY STREET
                        Nicky frantically punches out a text...

                        INT. PENTHOUSE
                        Off the text, Bourne zeroes in on the flash drive.

                        Criticism: "Off the text" implies. SHOW what we see that tells us this.


                        I can think of ways to improve each of these, especially the last one, so I'm grateful my attention has been drawn to them, but I think each has a visual component suited for screenwriting. Are these descriptions insufficiently concrete?
                        Just for the record, I virtually never describe facial expressions beyond basic things like grinning, frowning, scowling, etc.

                        That's why you do exactly the sort of things that you've done above and which I've done countless times -- which is to use the tools of prose to convey a "sense" of how a character reacts.

                        I've often written things like "Bob is dying inside" or things like that. Of course it's not "literal" -- but anyone reading it, whether an actor or a producer or an exec or a reader who isn't just being pedantic, knows exactly what's happening in the scene -- and likewise knows that there "is" something happening that's visual -- it's a way that a character is behaving.

                        Now, what exactly that behavior might be could be slightly different in the mind of every reader -- just as it might be different depending on what actor is playing the scene -- but the point is, I'm definitely describing something that is happening on screen during the scene.

                        It's not like saying, "Bob remembers when he was bullied as a child."

                        There is a whole set of behaviors that conveys that someone is "dying inside" -- there just is no set of behaviors that specifically conveys that someone is remembering being bullied as a child.

                        That's the distinction.

                        NMS

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                          Originally posted by sc111 View Post
                          FA4: Wow. That's some collection of ... what's the plural of Thesaurus?

                          I'm a longtime people watcher and eavesdropper. I usually wear sunglasses to be less obvious. Though these days the practice isn't as fruitful with most folks keeping their eyes glued to their cellphones and texting.

                          I tend to use the traits, verbal/facial expressions and tics of people I know or knew in the past.

                          Still, that link you shared is a good resource to help stimulate ideas. Thanks.
                          I wanted to give an example from one of the books to give you a sense of WHY I believe they are so good.

                          The Negative Traits Thesaurus:
                          Each trait is given two pages that detail the following headers

                          TRAIT: JEALOUSY (some excerpts included below)

                          DEFINITION: characterized by suspicion and envy

                          SIMILAR FLAWS: begrudging, covetous, envious

                          POSSIBLE CAUSES: this is good because it helps you understand the WHY for example JEALOUSY = experiencing painful betrayals in one's past, insecurity, dominance or competitiveness (needing to be or have the best)

                          ASSOCIATED BEHAVIORS AND ATTITUDES: there is a wealth of information in this section. JEALOUS has 30 listed including: discrediting one's rivals, being obsessed to the point of it interfering with one's other relationships or jobs, sabotaging one's rival...

                          ASSOCIATED THOUGHTS: provides several.. is he putting the moves on my girlfriend?

                          ASSOCIATED EMOTIONS: a list... adoration, anxiety, anger, defensiveness, desire, determination, insecurity, paranoia, resentment, suspicion, hatred, jealousy

                          POSITIVE ASPECTS: this is helpful because all traits have good and bad, it provides a paragraph.

                          NEGATIVE ASPECTS: this is what happens when a trait goes into the extreme, and is also a paragraph

                          EXAMPLE FROM FILM: it also provides other examples including literature so you can identify the associations and what happens in the film example, in this case they used Snow White and the Huntsman,the evil Queen...

                          At the end of this paragraph is provides other examples, in this case: Tom Ripley (The Talented Mr. Ripley), Baron Danglars (The Count of Monte Cristo)

                          OVERCOMING THIS TRAIT AS A MAJOR FLAW: this paragraph detail the motivation behind the trait and what issue inside the character that they will need to identify and what a realization might look like to have them overcome it-- this is psychological, of course, but very helpful when planning a character's arc

                          TRAITS IN SUPPORTING CHARACTERS THAT MAY CAUSE CONFLICT: I especially love this list because it allows the writer to set character values and attitudes in direct conflict with each other: cruel, extravagant, intelligent, sophisticated, talented, vain, vindictive, materialistic, flirtatious

                          Anyway, enjoy!
                          FA4
                          "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                            Originally posted by Unfinishe View Post
                            I can think of ways to improve each of these, especially the last one, so I'm grateful my attention has been drawn to them, but I think each has a visual component suited for screenwriting. Are these descriptions insufficiently concrete?
                            I don't know what "off the text" means, but otherwise I don't see anything wrong with any of this. I think your critic is petty.
                            Last edited by Centos; 12-30-2019, 06:52 PM. Reason: "your" NOT "you're"! (Sheesh!)
                            STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                              Originally posted by Centos View Post
                              I don't know what "off the text" means, but otherwise I don't see anything wrong with any of this. I think you're critic is petty.
                              It means he reads the text, then reacts to it.

                              I think you're right about the "petty critic." Sometimes, I think writers make comments like that because that's what they've received from reads. It's really a confidence in your own opinion thing, to me.
                              "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

                              Comment

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