Dialogue question

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  • Dialogue question

    Hello guys,

    Which way is better to introduce action between the same character dialogue?
    This is just an example:

    Example 1:

    John
    What??

    John gets up.

    John
    Are you serious??

    Example 2:

    John
    What??
    (John gets up.)
    Are you serious??

    Also in the action sentence, should I use John or just he?

    Thanks!
    Last edited by Rijuti; 03-26-2019, 07:58 AM.

  • #2
    Re: Dialogue question

    I'd go with #2. It is a bit shorter than having a separate line of description. Besides, I presume you already have an introductory line of description that says John started out seated!

    I'd make the parenthetical a bit more interesting, too. So, something like "(he rises, stiffly)", or quavering, etc. or something to enhance the action.

    But, you'd still want to keep it to a max of one line, otherwise you've losing the advantage of a parenthetical over a line of description.

    On the other hand, a separate line of description gives you the room to really enhance the action, while still keeping it to one line, such as "He rises, frantically, as if somebody's lit a match under his a$$."

    Whatever suits the meaning you're trying to portray.

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    • #3
      Re: Dialogue question

      That was really helpful.

      So parenthetical option is more useful in short actions, where few words are needed. Otherwise, line of description is a better option and less confused too. That makes sense.

      Thanks for the tips!
      Last edited by Rijuti; 03-26-2019, 11:03 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Dialogue question

        in most cases i would opt for #2. when it gets too long, i wouldn't, but i would assess whether a shorter version would work or if the scene context and dialogue itself implies an action response, then, i'd remove it.

        using parentheticals keeps the dialogue moving without interruption and prevents the readers from missing the quick action by glossing past it.

        i use quick action instead of using (beat) if it makes sense.
        "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

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        • #5
          Re: Dialogue question

          Generally, parentheticals are more for tone & intent but they are frequently used for action to making the reading easier. Thus, #2 is fine to keep the page flowing, as finalact4 notes, since we pretty all much find ourselves reading down the middle of the page eventually, in a script.

          I would not personally recommend writing "John gets up." That's clunky for a parenthetical which frequently is one word. I'd suggest "(stands)" if I may.
          Last edited by Done Deal Pro; 03-26-2019, 04:48 PM.
          Will
          Done Deal Pro
          www.donedealpro.com

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          • #6
            Re: Dialogue question

            I agree with what everyone has said. Here's another tip I have found useful in my own writing. I apologize if it seems a bit off topic, but like I said, I have found it useful.

            At some point in the writing process (probably after you're mostly happy with the dialogue), go through your scenes and get rid of ALL stage direction and parentheticals. Then re-read and only add back in what's absolutely necessary.

            The logic behind this: When we first start figuring out the structure of a scene we tend to add in unnecessary details to help flesh it out. These little crutches or kick stands as I call them (i.e 'angrily', 'leaning in', 'shouting', 'takes a step away', 'slamming his hand on the table', etc.) are very useful to get a sense of what the dialogue is still not achieving.

            But then as the dialogue evolves and becomes good, these kick-stands are no longer needed. In well structured scenes I have read I tend to see very little stage direction and wrilies. Of course big exceptions do exist. Sometimes they are very useful, effective and necessary.
            Manfred Lopez Grem
            WGA Writer - Director | Zero Gravity Management

            REEL - IMDB

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            • #7
              Re: Dialogue question

              Originally posted by manfredlopez View Post
              I agree with what everyone has said. Here's another tip I have found useful in my own writing. I apologize if it seems a bit off topic, but like I said, I have found it useful.

              At some point in the writing process (probably after you're mostly happy with the dialogue), go through your scenes and get rid of ALL stage direction and parentheticals. Then re-read and only add back in what's absolutely necessary.

              The logic behind this: When we first start figuring out the structure of a scene we tend to add in unnecessary details to help flesh it out. These little crutches or kick stands as I call them (i.e 'angrily', 'leaning in', 'shouting', 'takes a step away', 'slamming his hand on the table', etc.) are very useful to get a sense of what the dialogue is still not achieving.

              But then as the dialogue evolves and becomes good, these kick-stands are no longer needed. In well structured scenes I have read I tend to see very little stage direction and wrilies. Of course big exceptions do exist. Sometimes they are very useful, effective and necessary.
              totally agree. i do a pass where i address this very issue, too.

              i watched the Shonda Rhimes Masterclass and she said that before she sends her scripts to production she goes through and removes all stage direction. as showrunner, she also said that she is the writer, and she expects the actors to read the lines as she's written them. exactly.

              good class.
              "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Dialogue question

                re: State Direction, and a bit more off-topic

                It's a personal thing, but in recent years I've come to hate those arcane o.s., b.g. etc. abbreviations we're taught to use. They make screenplays singularly unreadable to a normal audience, and I'm way past the stage where I put one of them into my script and think "Cool, I'm a screenwriter, dudes!"

                As a result, and wherever possible, I'm now using eg. "behind them" instead of "in the b.g." or "distant" instead of "o.s. (or o.c.)". It's been surprisingly easy to do, and I believe it improves the reading (and writing) flow. And it doesn't usually make text lines much if any longer - which is a big thing to me, as I worry constantly about script length.

                I also publish my screenplays for a generic (buying) audience, and had written code to expand all of these ugly short-forms into their proper form. This even included "INT=>INTERIOR", etc.

                By eliminating many of them, I can eliminate this step, too, and engage a broader audience. After all, this is one of my story-telling goals, whether or not the thing ever makes it onto the screen.

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                • #9
                  Re: Dialogue question

                  Thank you all very much! Very useful info and tips.

                  So when you say eliminate all stage direction, you mean all the emotional states like "angry", "happy" "sad" and little things like "moves to the side" or "screaming" etc?

                  Edit: Unless, of course, is important to the story and needs to be there.
                  Last edited by Rijuti; 03-27-2019, 08:29 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Dialogue question

                    Originally posted by Rijuti View Post
                    So when you say eliminate all stage direction, you mean all the emotional states like "angry", "happy" "sad" and little things like "moves to the side" or "screaming" etc?
                    NOOO, sheesh! We don't mean that.

                    The things you mention are chiefly ACTOR directions. The first (emotional directions) can certainly be overdone; you do want to leave a lot to those lovely, hard-working and highly paid actors to figure out for themselves, but of course you need to be clear (is a laugh true, or sarcastic, if it's not clear from the storytelling). The others (move to side, etc.) are essential, say, if its to avoid a gunshot!

                    We're talking STAGE directions such as CLOSE-UP, PAN, etc. Maybe call them "Director's" directions. They should be avoided.

                    My discussion re: "b.g." (BACKGROUND) and "o.s." (OFF-SCREEN) was purely subjective.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Dialogue question

                      Oh thanks! Now I got it!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Dialogue question

                        Originally posted by Rijuti View Post
                        Hello guys,

                        Which way is better to introduce action between the same character dialogue?
                        This is just an example:

                        Example 1:

                        John
                        What??

                        John gets up.

                        John
                        Are you serious??

                        Example 2:

                        John
                        What??
                        (John gets up.)
                        Are you serious??

                        Also in the action sentence, should I use John or just he?

                        Thanks!
                        Just for the record, while you can do it either way, and the latter way can save a line or two, I remember back when I received the official "style sheet" from Warner Brothers when I had an assignment there and this (that is the latter way) was a definite no-no.

                        That is, you were definitely not supposed to include action instructions in parentheticals -- things like (he picks up the rock) or (crossing to Shirley).

                        Actions are actions. Parentheticals are only used, very rarely (in my humble opinion) when there might otherwise be some confusion in reference to the dialogue. For instance, if one part of a speech is directed to one person or a group of people and then another part is directed to someone else -- but it's not necessarily clear just by reading. Then you'd include a parenthetical to make the transition clear.

                        BOB
                        All of you go down to the river and wait.
                        (to John)
                        And then you know what to do.

                        Just my personal experience.

                        NMS

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                        • #13
                          Re: Dialogue question

                          Originally posted by nmstevens View Post
                          ... I remember back when I received the official "style sheet" from Warner Brothers when I had an assignment there and this (that is the latter way) was a definite no-no.
                          I didn't know they had style sheets for assignment writing. This is fascinating. Do you know how I could get a copy of one or find it online?
                          Manfred Lopez Grem
                          WGA Writer - Director | Zero Gravity Management

                          REEL - IMDB

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Dialogue question

                            Originally posted by finalact4 View Post
                            totally agree. i do a pass where i address this very issue, too.

                            i watched the Shonda Rhimes Masterclass and she said that before she sends her scripts to production she goes through and removes all stage direction. as showrunner, she also said that she is the writer, and she expects the actors to read the lines as she's written them. exactly.

                            good class.
                            Ha! I knew this was a thing. Thank you so much for sharing this. Now I'll have to watch her master class.

                            By the way, on the topic of reading the lines exactly as written, apparently that is a sacred TV tradition. Ken Jeong tells the story that he didn't know this when he got hired to play Señor Chang on Community. One of his first scenes was his (now famous) "I'm a Spanish Genius" character intro. When the cameras started rolling he sprang into complete improvisation mode and came up with that amazing scene including that line. But after they cut, the director was furious. He had a 'talk' with him and basically told him to never again improvise on that show or on TV in general. Ken complied and humanity shall never know what other amazing moments he might have come up with for Señor Chang.

                            THE SCENE:
                            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_I_43IeRtr8
                            Manfred Lopez Grem
                            WGA Writer - Director | Zero Gravity Management

                            REEL - IMDB

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Dialogue question

                              Originally posted by finalact4 View Post
                              i watched the Shonda Rhimes Masterclass and she said that before she sends her scripts to production she goes through and removes all stage direction. as showrunner, she also said that she is the writer, and she expects the actors to read the lines as she's written them. exactly. good class.
                              It would be great if professional actors and actresses would say the lines as written; sometimes the lines are crafted a certain way for a good reason. The other thing that peeves me is to hear professional actors and actresses read a correctly written line and deliver it with incorrect inflection, or no inflection at all, and miscarry its emotional intent.
                              Last edited by Clint Hill; 04-02-2019, 10:01 AM.
                              “Nothing is what rocks dream about” ― Aristotle

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