How to write...?

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  • How to write...?

    ... a scene where person 1 does something and Person 2 watches the action (through a window or whatnot) concurrently.

    INT. BAR - NIGHT

    RHONDA PEEPLES (40s, looks 60s) grabs the tequilla bottle from the mousey BARTENDER'S hand and chugs it.

    EXT. BAR

    RON PEEPLES (40s), with red-rimmed eyes and salt and pepper stubble watches her through the window with something between pity and disgust.

    INT. BAR

    Rhonda burps loudly. Patrons nearby grimace, as the bartender picks up the phone.

    EXT. BAR

    Ron watches in disbelief as Rhonda snags the phone from the bar tend and begins to repeatedly slug the bartender over the head with it. Ron squeezes his eyes closed as if in pain and rushes inside.

    This seems wordy and jarring jumping back and forth to the Person 2 POV, changing the slug, etc. but I'm not sure the best way to do this type of thing.

    Appreciate your thoughts.

  • #2
    Re: how to write

    Originally posted by SBdeb View Post
    ... a scene where person 1 does something and Person 2 watches the action (through a window or whatnot) concurrently.

    INT. BAR - NIGHT

    RHONDA PEEPLES (40s, looks 60s) grabs the tequilla bottle from the mousey BARTENDER'S hand and chugs it.

    EXT. BAR

    RON PEEPLES (40s), with red-rimmed eyes and salt and pepper stubble watches her through the window with something between pity and disgust.

    INT. BAR

    Rhonda burps loudly. Patrons nearby grimace, as the bartender picks up the phone.

    EXT. BAR

    Ron watches in disbelief as Rhonda snags the phone from the bar tend and begins to repeatedly slug the bartender over the head with it. Ron squeezes his eyes closed as if in pain and rushes inside.

    This seems wordy and jarring jumping back and forth to the Person 2 POV, changing the slug, etc. but I'm not sure the best way to do this type of thing.

    Appreciate your thoughts.
    Do you actually have to go outside to let us know someone is watching from the outside? Depending on how close he is to the window, it would seem like you might be looking at the back of his head on the outside shots. If he's close to the window, the best shot might be from inside looking through the window. And then you wouldn't have to switch back and forth from INT. to EXT.
    "I just couldn't live in a world without me."

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: how to write

      Originally posted by SBdeb View Post
      ... a scene where person 1 does something and Person 2 watches the action (through a window or whatnot) concurrently.

      INT. BAR - NIGHT

      RHONDA PEEPLES (40s, looks 60s) grabs the tequilla bottle from the mousey BARTENDER'S hand and chugs it.

      RON PEEPLES (40s), with red-rimmed eyes and salt and pepper stubble watches her through the window with something between pity and disgust.

      Rhonda burps loudly. Patrons nearby grimace, as the bartender picks up the phone.

      Ron watches in disbelief as Rhonda snags the phone from the bar tend and begins to repeatedly slug the bartender over the head with it. Ron squeezes his eyes closed as if in pain and rushes inside.
      I don't think that loses anything.
      "I just couldn't live in a world without me."

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: how to write

        Originally posted by SBdeb View Post
        ... a scene where person 1 does something and Person 2 watches the action (through a window or whatnot) concurrently.

        INT. BAR - NIGHT

        RHONDA PEEPLES (40s, looks 60s) grabs the tequilla bottle from the mousey BARTENDER'S hand and chugs it.

        EXT. BAR

        RON PEEPLES (40s), with red-rimmed eyes and salt and pepper stubble watches her through the window with something between pity and disgust.

        INT. BAR

        Rhonda burps loudly. Patrons nearby grimace, as the bartender picks up the phone.

        EXT. BAR

        Ron watches in disbelief as Rhonda snags the phone from the bar tend and begins to repeatedly slug the bartender over the head with it. Ron squeezes his eyes closed as if in pain and rushes inside.

        This seems wordy and jarring jumping back and forth to the Person 2 POV, changing the slug, etc. but I'm not sure the best way to do this type of thing.

        Appreciate your thoughts.
        I know camera direction is frowned upon, but it might just make it more clear if you use it in this instance.

        INT. BAR - NIGHT

        RHONDA PEEPLES (40s, looks 60s) grabs the tequilla bottle from the mousey BARTENDER. Chugs it. Burps loudly. Patrons nearby grimace, as the bartender picks up the phone.

        Rhonda snags the bar phone. Begins slugging the bartender with it.

        PULL BACK TO REVEAL...

        EXT. BAR

        RON PEEPLES (40s), blood-shot eyes, three day stubble, watching through the window. Can't take it anymore. Runs inside...

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: how to write

          Thanks much, StoryWriter and Figment! Those are great options.

          Can you offer a suggesion in a different but similar situation-- if, say the glass is FROSTED or opaque and he could only hear what was going on?

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: how to write

            For frosted glass --


            INT. BAR - NIGHT

            RHONDA PEEPLES (40s, looks 60s) grabs the tequilla bottle from the mousey BARTENDER. Chugs it. Burps loudly. Patrons grimace. The bartender picks up the phone.

            Rhonda grabs the phone. SLUGS the bartender.

            EXT. BAR

            RON PEEPLES (40s), blood-shot eyes, three day stubble, stands at the bar window, struggling to see what's going on inside. He can't -- the window is frosted over from the ice storm. He strains to hear, muffled shouting coming through...

            RHONDA (O.S./FROM INSIDE THE BAR)
            I told you, mo'fo, give me that bottle! You can't cut me off! Call the police if you want! Put me in jail, you Fu#ker!

            Ron panics, stabbed with each word. Can't take it anymore. He runs inside...

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: how to write

              Thanks, Figment!

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: How to write...?

                I am just going to answer this question in a general way instead of trying to fix what you want to do in your example. What I say may or may not apply to your concerns.

                Two things:

                1. Do not worry so much about shifting back and forth from INT. to EXT. If that is what you need to show, then go with it.

                2. If someone is looking through a window, and you, the audience, can see the window as you watch the "interior" action, the proper tag is EXT because that is where the camera obviously is. But, contrariwise, if you cannot see the window as you watch the action inside, and you only know that you are seeing through the eyes of someone outside, then the scene is INT because that is where the camera really is.

                "The fact that you have seen professionals write poorly is no reason for you to imitate them." - ComicBent.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: How to write...?

                  Lots of good info above. Here is how the recent Oscar winning "Call Me By Your Name" did it in one scene (there are a couple like this throughout the screenplay):

                  Code:
                  EXT. LIME TREES - PERLMAN VILLA - AFTERNOON
                   
                  Another day. ELIO is sitting at his usual table under the
                  lime trees, working. From where he's sitting, Elio can see
                  PERLMAN and OLIVER through an open window in his father's
                  study. They are discussing Oliver’s manuscript on
                  Heraclithus. Elio tries to listen.
                  
                  PERLMAN
                  I think your insights here are
                  persuasive, but..
                  
                  OLIVER
                  Go on, I’m okay with criticism.
                  
                  PERLMAN
                  You are? Good. I think this needs
                  firming up. It feels like you need to accept
                  the paradoxical nature of this
                  philosopher’s thinking, not just
                  explain it..
                  
                  ANCHISE approaches Elio, carrying a large fish wrapped up in
                  a t-shirt, which he uncovers for Elio.
                  
                  ELIO
                  Sei stato al fiume?
                  (You've been at the river?)
                  
                  ANCHISE
                  (smiling)
                  Si.
                  
                  Anchise takes the fish towards the kitchen. Meanwhile in the
                  studio the conversation continues.
                  
                  OLIVER
                  (nodding)
                  I’m okay with firming up - I’m okay
                  with paradox. Back to the drawing
                  board.
                  
                  PERLMAN
                  Wait...
                  (ironic, re: Oliver's
                  shabby look)
                  Did you have a good time last
                  night?
                  
                  ELIO is distracted by the sudden burst of enthusiasm heard
                  from the kitchen over the fish Anchise caught.
                  Last edited by UneducatedFan; 03-07-2018, 07:49 AM.
                  You know Jill you remind me of my mother. She was the biggest whore in Alameda and the finest woman that ever lived. Whoever my father was, for an hour or for a month, he must have been a happy man.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: How to write...?

                    There's like 44017 scripts of produced films where exactly what you describe happens. Read them and choose one which appeals. Personally I go:

                    JOHN WATCHES THROUGH TWITCHING CURTAINS AS

                    Paul sneaks up to the bay window, peers inside the house, ducks and skulks around to the rear of the house.
                    M.A.G.A.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: How to write...?

                      Originally posted by UneducatedFan View Post
                      Lots of good info above. Here is how the recent Oscar winning "Call Me By Your Name" did it in one scene (there are a couple like this throughout the screenplay):

                      Code:
                      EXT. LIME TREES - PERLMAN VILLA - AFTERNOON
                       
                      Another day. ELIO is sitting at his usual table under the
                      lime trees, working. From where he's sitting, Elio can see
                      PERLMAN and OLIVER through an open window in his father's
                      study. They are discussing Oliver’s manuscript on
                      Heraclithus. Elio tries to listen.
                      
                      PERLMAN
                      I think your insights here are
                      persuasive, but..
                      
                      OLIVER
                      Go on, I’m okay with criticism.
                      
                      PERLMAN
                      You are? Good. I think this needs
                      firming up. It feels like you need to accept
                      the paradoxical nature of this
                      philosopher’s thinking, not just
                      explain it..
                      
                      ANCHISE approaches Elio, carrying a large fish wrapped up in
                      a t-shirt, which he uncovers for Elio.
                      
                      
                      ... the fish Anchise caught.
                      I wonder how the scene is actually presented on screen. Does the following happen?

                      Do we first see Elio sitting under the tree.

                      Then see him watching Perlman and Oliver through the open window some distance away.

                      Then we enter the room and watch and listen to Perlman and Oliver for the remainder. If we, the audience, enter the room shouldn't the heading change to INT. STUDY - AFTERNOON at this point?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: How to write...?

                        I think it's all filmed from OUTSIDE, not POV per se' but from the perspective of where Elio is sitting/observing. I don't remember it exactly.
                        You know Jill you remind me of my mother. She was the biggest whore in Alameda and the finest woman that ever lived. Whoever my father was, for an hour or for a month, he must have been a happy man.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How to write...?

                          Originally posted by UneducatedFan View Post
                          I think it's all filmed from OUTSIDE, not POV per se' but from the perspective of where Elio is sitting/observing. I don't remember it exactly.
                          Thanks. It will be interesting to see if and how that was accomplished when I watch the movie.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: How to write...?

                            Okay, I checked out the dvd from Redbox and just watched it.

                            The scene in question was apparently changed in production from the screenplay, because Oliver and Perlman are not in a room but are sitting outside not far from Elio. We see Elio at the table under a lime tree and in the background see and hear Oliver and Perlman in barely audible conversation.

                            Definitely no need for another scene heading for that. The director cheated. LOL.

                            Comment

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