Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

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  • #16
    Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

    I really like how B has a MC and the MC has POV, really unique elements for a screenplay.

    But, I also like the spacing in A... hmm.

    I'll have to vote for B
    But this wily god never discloses even to the skillful questioner the whole content of his wisdom.

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    • #17
      Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

      B

      I enjoyed them both, though, and put you hands together for the cheap, ugly sex in Unit 13, amiright?


      I still can't believe in an HOUR of writing time you guys have pages this freaking good.
      Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

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      • #18
        Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

        Writer A: What the fvck does your racist Mexican opening got to do with your story?

        Corona
        I love you, Reyna . . .

        Brown-Balled by the Hollywood Clika

        Latino Heart Project's MEXICAN HEART...ATTACK!
        I ain't no punk b1tch...

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        • #19
          Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

          Ham, excellent job.

          I pick B.

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          • #20
            Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

            I remember reading the short story when it was originally posted and enjoyed it very much.

            If by voting, you mean which one do I like better - I pick B.

            I think it captures what's most important and memorable about the source material.

            A is well written, but doesn't feel satisfying as a story.

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

              I liked B better. In about the same word count it tells a whole story and has a wonderful irony and even a great twist at the end. A is basically one scene and is, for my taste, a bit too bleak and, with the woman being beaten at the end, even off-putting.

              Now I wonder what Simon Cowell would say .

              Edit to add: I thought both were excellently written btw.
              Last edited by josvanbrussel; 04-09-2011, 01:18 AM. Reason: Remorse.

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              • #22
                Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                A leaves the audience wanting to follow Beth. B leaves the audience wanting to follow Ronald. The difference, Ronald was proactive, Beth was reactive. Hence, B is the slightly better story because we know Ronald will do something. Beth may incite someone (Jake) to do something. We're still not sure if she take the lead.

                Good job guys.
                "All of us trying to be the camera behind the camera behind the camera. The last story in line. The Truth" Chuck Palahniuk - Haunted

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                • #23
                  Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                  Both great stuff! I started reading A and thought, "This is pro-level writing, gotta be A." The writing was good, detailed, could totally visualize the scenes. It was delicately paced but it got a-bit heavy-handed with the emotions. It felt very indie. But it was still good stuff.

                  I started reading B and thought, "Man, the writer isn't even trying here." It had a talky start and the execution didn't feel as eloquent as A. "Gotta be A," I thought. Then I realized what B was doing by turning the original story on its head. It was so fucking funny! It was a riot to read. Smart. Cool punchline. It felt like a complete story.

                  B whooped A's ass, imo, and it didn't seem like the writer was trying. But both were still brilliantly written!

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                  • #24
                    Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                    B.

                    You don't need to read further than the opening paragraph of each.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                      I think if you judge solely based on the two samples, you are missing out on the writing thought process that went into both samples. I urge all of you to check out the original story and perhaps think of how you might've tackled a feature screenplay based on the source material.

                      Heck, feel free to post your own version of an adaptation. It could lead to a fun exercise or discussion.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                        I went ahead and read the story before reading the scripts and kind of wish I hadn't since it pretty much removed my ability to read them objectively.

                        It's pretty easy to tell which of the scripts was written by the guy who had already told the story from one characters perspective and so decided to explore another angle for his second run at it.

                        So, having read the source material first, I would vote for B (if I had a vote) and would probably do so even without having read the story first, just because of the two it tells a complete story.

                        However, if I had not read the story beforehand I might have found the ending of B a bit jarring with the introduction of Jake being the closing image.

                        And BTW, great story Jeff. I really enjoyed it a lot.
                        Last edited by instant_karma; 04-09-2011, 06:49 AM.
                        "Only nothing is impossible."
                        - Grant Morrison

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                          Well, here's my take on this. Started at 9:45am and finished at 10:43am. There was another scene I wanted to get in there, one just before the last one, but I saw the deadline coming and knew I wouldn't get finished.

                          I'm not sure any of this would make sense if you hadn't read Boog's and Jeff's above, but oh well. 1 hour is 1 hour.

                          Code:
                                      INT.  APARTMENT COMPLEX - UNIT 1 - DAY
                          
                                      ON THE TV - The yankees beating the snot ouf of the mets.
                          
                                      JAKE passes by, angry. His clothes dirty, his hair a mess. He
                                      drives the smoking end of a butt into an ashtray. He's got a
                                      cordless phone pressed to one ear.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Fu[COLOR="Black"]ck[/COLOR]ing hell.
                                                    (to phone)
                                                No, no, no, not you. It's the mets,
                                                they're.. oh f[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]k it. Look, just a little
                                                longer, baby. Just a little longer,
                                                alright? Just a little more money,
                                                then... I know, I know. Then she's gone.
                                                Long gone. I'll think of something.
                          
                                      He pauses at the window of the rundown apartment, sees two
                                      elderly gents by the poolside talking. 
                          
                                      HIS POV: RONALD and BILLY - both in their 60s, talking
                                      earnestly. We can just hear them too:
                          
                                                          BILLY
                                                Hefner wouldn't take a shot at that.
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                I would. Those legs are longer than
                                                Hefner's limo.
                          
                                                          BILLY
                                                You got no chance. We old now. You know
                                                how old we is? 
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                I got a plan. You watch and see. I'll be
                                                banging that broad before the end of the
                                                month. Any style I choose. Doggy even.
                          
                                      Off Billy's laugh, we hear a DOOR SHUT, and Jake whirls
                                      around.
                          
                                      Beth stands there, cleaning supplies in hand. She's cute in
                                      her own way, with gorgeous long legs, highlighted by the fact
                                      that she's wearing very short shorts.
                          
                                      Jake eyes her up and down, now furious. She sees it, freezes.
                          
                                      He shuts the window.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                    (calmly)
                                                What you been up to, Beth?
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                What you think I've been up to, Jake?
                          
                                      She jiggles the cleaning supplies at him.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Why you dressed like that?
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                Just cleaning is all.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Maybe you dress more proper in future.
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                Okay, Jake. I will. Sorry.
                          
                                      And now, very slowly in case he means to say something else,
                                      Beth moves toward the closet to put her stuff away.
                          
                                      As Jake watches her coldly, we:
                          
                                                                                           CUT TO:
                          
                                      INT. APARTMENT LOBBY - DAY
                          
                                      Jake is in the corner between the inner and outer glass
                                      doors. He's got some tools, like maybe he's going to fix the
                                      trim on the wall or something.
                          
                                      The door opens, and Ronald walks in, doesn't see Jake at
                                      first. He goes toward the mail-slots, digs for a key.
                          
                                      Jake turns now, takes a couple steps toward Roland. An angry
                                      face of retaliation.
                          
                                      But HE FREEZES, as Ronald sticks something under his arm
                                      while he fishes for his mail from the slot. IT'S A STACK OF
                                      20's.
                          
                                      Jake just stands there, now thoughtful, as his eyes watch the
                                      money.
                          
                                      Finally, Ronald turns, startled to see Jake just standing
                                      there. 
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                Oh, hello, Jake.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Ronald. How is everything?
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                Couldn't be better.
                          
                                      A beat passes. Ronald wipes a brow.
                          
                                                          RONALD (CONT'D)
                                                Well, good seeing you.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                How is Beth working out?
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                Beth? How do you mean?
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Cleaning. How is her cleaning?
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                Oh, very well, thank you. She's a darling
                                                girl. Like my own daughter.
                          
                                      Jake smiles, but it's fu[COLOR="black"]ck[/COLOR]ing scary.
                          
                                                          RONALD (CONT'D)
                                                Well, good seeing you.
                          
                                      Ronald takes a slow half step, as if wanting to go, but not
                                      wanting to appear like he really wants to get the f[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]k out of
                                      there.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                One more thing, Ronald.
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                Yes?
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                I'll be out and about quite a bit over
                                                the next few weeks. You keep an eye on
                                                Beth, k? I trust you.
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                Of course. Glad to help. She's a great
                                                kid.
                          
                                      Ronald now finally turns and leaves, as Jake watches him.
                          
                                      INT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - UNIT 1 - DAY
                          
                                      Jake on the phone again, standing at the window like he's
                                      been there a while.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                    (to phone)
                                                I got it all worked out, Baby. Yes, set
                                                the bank account up in both our names...
                                                Why I gotta be there?  S[COLOR="black"]hi[/COLOR]t. Okay, but
                                                not today. I gotta...
                          
                                      JAKE'S POV: Ronald exits the building down below, heads down
                                      the sidewalk.
                          
                                                          JAKE (CONT'D)
                                                Later, Babe. I got work to do.
                          
                                      Jake throws down the phone, races from the apartment.
                          
                                      INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - DAY
                          
                                      Jake enters cautiously, looks around.
                          
                                      Nice place, very tidy. But what overrides everything is
                                      several dozen nude paintings of women. F[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]k, this guy ain't
                                      so bad after all.
                          
                                      Jake scurries around, looking for something. Not sure what.
                                      Careful not to make a mess.
                          
                                      Now he gets to the dresser, opens the top drawer. He pulls
                                      out:
                          
                                      A BANKBOOK FULL OF MONEY
                          
                                      He sets the money aside, opens the bank book. He looks around
                                      furtively while he pulls out a notepad and pen, sticks the
                                      pen in his mouth while he thumbs through the bankbook.
                          
                                      He gets to the last page. His mouth falls open and the pen
                                      hits the floor. 
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Mother[COLOR="black"]fu[/COLOR]cker.
                          
                                      INT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - UNIT 1 - DAY
                          
                                      Jake sits there staring at the wall. 
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Motherf[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]ker.
                          
                                      Something in his hand buzzes, and he looks down. It's the
                                      phone. Right.
                          
                                      He puts it back to his ear.
                          
                                                          JAKE (CONT'D)
                                                    (to phone)
                                                Sorry, was just thinking. I got it worked
                                                out now. I know what to do. It's all on
                                                Beth now. Yeah I know, I know. But we
                                                need her. 
                                                    (laughs suddenly)
                                                No worries, I know exactly how this is
                                                gonna work. Leave it to me, Sweetcakes.
                                                Wait, I hear her coming.
                                                    (sotto)
                                                She's outside the door. You want to hear
                                                this? Okay, don't hang up. 
                          
                                      The door swings open fast, Beth stands there.
                          
                                                          JAKE (CONT'D)
                                                    (to phone)
                                                Okay, I'll check that out. Thank you for
                                                calling.
                          
                                      Jake lays the phone down, but doesn't hang up.
                          
                                      He turns the TV on. Another baseball game, except this time
                                      Jake doesn't give a s[COLOR="black"]hi[/COLOR]t.
                          
                                                          JAKE (CONT'D)
                                                The guy in seven has a leak.
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                I didn't ask.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Were you in that fa[COLOR="black"]gg[/COLOR]ot's apartment
                                                again?
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                He's nice. He paints women. He thinks I'm
                                                beautiful. I like that.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Maybe you're right. Maybe he wants to
                                                f[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]k you.
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                Gross. He's old enough to be my --
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                    (direct)
                                                Your father?
                          
                                      She hates that, but she's gotta get one back now.
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                He wants me to pose for him. I'm going to
                                                do it. Naked.
                          
                                      Jake gets up, turning away as he does so, we see a faint
                                      smile cross his face, but when he looks back at Beth he's all
                                      bloody murder.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                You'd better fu[COLOR="black"]ck[/COLOR]ing not.
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                I thought he was a f[COLOR="black"]a[/COLOR]g.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                I'm not kidding, Beth.
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                Maybe I'll f[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]k him too.
                          
                                      Jake crosses the room, and just before he hits her, she
                                      closes her eyes. SLAP.
                          
                                      She wobbles before she sits plops down on the hard floor.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                There better be fu[COLOR="black"]ck[/COLOR]ing beer in the
                                                fridge.
                          
                                      INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - DAY
                          
                                      Ronald moves about the apartment, kind of dancing. He pauses
                                      at his dresser to pick up some cologne, sprays it on himself.
                                      Very nice.
                          
                                      He pauses at his easel, rearranges the oils, just so. Very
                                      nice.
                          
                                      And now a knock at the door. He dances over to it. Then
                                      stops. He adjusts himself, somewhat formal now. He swings the
                                      door open.
                          
                                      Beth stands there, a hopeful look on her face.
                          
                                                          RONALD
                                                Do come in, Beth. 
                          
                                      She enters and sets her cleaning supplies on the floor.
                                      Ronald closes the door.
                          
                                      INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY
                          
                                      Jake sneaks along the hallway, annoyed by the RAP MUSIC
                                      coming from #13. 
                          
                                      He gets to Ronald's apartment, listens closely at the door.
                          
                                      We hear: MOANS OF RAPTURE, yet dying. Coming to a close. A
                                      beat of nothing, then some talking.
                          
                                      Jake smiles, giddy. He takes off down the hallway and hides
                                      in an alcove.
                          
                                      Ronald's door opens, Beth rushes out, flustered. Her clothes
                                      barely on.
                          
                                                          RONALD (O.S.)
                                                No need to rush, is there?
                          
                                                          BETH
                                                I forgot, I have to clean a leaky pipe in
                                                seven.
                          
                                      Now she rushes back into the apartment, then comes back out
                                      with the cleaning supplies. 
                          
                                                          BETH (CONT'D)
                                                Thank you for the good time, Ronald. I'll
                                                see you later. Probably next week.
                          
                                      She rushes off down the hallway.
                          
                                      Now we see Ronald at his doorway, watches her go. Then he
                                      closes the door.
                          
                                      Now Jake comes along, knocks on Ronald's door. The door
                                      opens, Ronald surprised to see him, of course.
                          
                                                          JAKE
                                                Hello, Ronald.
                          
                                      Jake PUNCHES HIM IN THE MOUTH.
                          
                                      Ronald stumbles backward, falls to the floor.
                          
                                      Jake enters the apartment, closes the door behind him.
                          Oops I hit the size limit. Continued below.
                          Last edited by Pipe; 04-09-2011, 07:38 AM. Reason: formatting
                          Screenwriting is like stripping. You don't just dump your clothes on the floor. You tease as you go. And then you get screwed in a back room for money. - Craig Mazin

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                            B. The ending was great. I didn't see that twist coming.
                            http://www.pjmcilvaine.com/

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                              Continued:

                              Code:
                                          INT. RONALD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    You fu[COLOR="Black"]ck[/COLOR]ed my woman, didn't you?
                              
                                          Ronald tries to slide backward across the floor, away from
                                          Jake.
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    I'm an old man. How could I? Why would I?
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    'cause you're an old fu[COLOR="black"]cki[/COLOR]ng man! What am
                                                    I, stupid? Don't call me stupid, Ronald.
                                                    I hate being called stupid. Especially
                                                    when I'm smart enough to stand outside
                                                    your door and listen to what's going on.
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    You stood outside my door and listened? 
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    Yep.
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    And you didn't do anything?
                              
                                          Jake thinks about that. It annoys him for some reason.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    Listen you old f[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]k. You took advantage
                                                    of my girlfriend. Tell me why I shouldn't
                                                    beat the ever-living s[COLOR="black"]hi[/COLOR]t out of you
                                                    right now.
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    The cops. I'll tell them you beat me.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    When was the last time you saw the cops
                                                    in this building on a domestic call? 
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    Listen, I got money. I'll pay you.
                              
                                          Jake ponders that, as if it was something that just occurred
                                          to him now.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    How much money?
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    20's. In the dresser. 
                              
                                          A beat.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    And in the bank?
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                        (chuckles)
                                                    You're not getting anything from the
                                                    bank.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    I think you'll change your mind.
                              
                                          Ronald stares at him for a beat. Then smiles again.
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    She was good, Jake. Real good.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    Shut up, Ronald. I'm serious now.
                              
                                                              RONALD
                                                    She did everything I wanted. Real eager
                                                    to please, that one. Don't know why you
                                                    treat her like a whore.
                              
                                          By Jake's look, Ronald better shut-the-f[COLOR="black"]uc[/COLOR]k-up real soon now.
                              
                                                              RONALD (CONT'D)
                                                    When you go home, give her a big kiss for
                                                    me. Actually better have her use some
                                                    mouthwash first. She didn't look like a
                                                    swallower to me, but oh boy!
                              
                                          Jake picks up a lamp as he crosses the room.
                              
                                          INT. BANK - DAY
                              
                                          Jake crosses toward the tellers, whistling a tune. He
                                          approaches the cutest one, this is JENNY.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    Deposit.
                              
                                          He swipes his card, punches in his PIN, hands across the
                                          cheque. He grabs a pen off the counter and sticks it in his
                                          mouth.
                              
                                                              JENNY
                                                    Thank you. Oh, it's the same bank.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    That good?
                              
                                                              JENNY
                                                    It means we don't have to put a hold on
                                                    it.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    That makes my fu[COLOR="black"]ck[/COLOR]ing day...
                                                        (looks at her nametag)
                                                    Jenny. Makes my fu[COLOR="black"]ck[/COLOR]ing day. 'cause I can
                                                    use nine grand right fu[COLOR="Black"]ck[/COLOR]ing now. 
                                                        (laughs, then:)
                                                    We don't gotta fill out paperwork or
                                                    nothing, right? IRS don't care about
                                                    anything under ten grand, right?
                              
                                                              JENNY
                                                    Oh, there's a problem.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    What?
                              
                                                              JENNY
                                                    There's no money in this account. 
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    What? None?
                              
                                                              JENNY
                                                    Twenty-three dollars is all.
                              
                                                              JAKE
                                                    You're sh[COLOR="black"]it[/COLOR]ting me.
                              
                                                              JENNY
                                                    No, sir. There's no mistake.
                              
                                          The pen falls out his mouth and hits the floor.
                              
                                          Off Jake's look, we: 
                              
                                                                                             FADE OUT:
                              Last edited by Pipe; 04-09-2011, 07:36 AM. Reason: formatting
                              Screenwriting is like stripping. You don't just dump your clothes on the floor. You tease as you go. And then you get screwed in a back room for money. - Craig Mazin

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Re: Throwdown: Hamboogul vs. Jeff Lowell

                                I thought they were both done well but thought B would make a more interesting short film.

                                Thanks for the shout-outs to Popcorn Fiction.

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