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Old 01-12-2017, 11:20 PM   #1
Cyfress
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Posts: 1,270
Default New Scene String

I think maybe the subject matter of the prior scenes was a little dark. Lets try something more on the comedic side. Just throw a scene onto the string if you feel inspired.

EXT. ENGLISH COUNTRY SIDE - 1600s

A PILGRIM GIRL, late teens, runs through a wheat field. We're chasing. She looks back, smiles. Purposefully, she lifts her long skirt. Flashes to us her nubile, smooth ass.

EXT. COUNTRY SIDE - LATER

Behind a barn, our temptress seductively leans against the barn wall. Calls for us using her finger.

We are a late teen PILGRIM BOY. Scrawny with acne. He gulps as he walks toward her. When close enough, she pulls him in and kisses him on the lips. His knees buckle.

She pulls off his lips. Moves her hand down and out of screen. PILGRIM BOY bites his bottom lip, his nostrils widen.

PILGRIM GIRL
You have the biggest and the hardest shlumkin I've ever felt.

PILGRIM BOY
Sorry.

He reaches down and pulls a large wooden club out of his pants.

PILGRIM BOY
Papa and I were fishing today.

He throws the club aside.

PILGRIM GIRL
You wanna touch me?

PILGRIM BOY
(with conviction)
The Scriptures demand we cast away the thoughts of Satan to keep our spirits clean for the Holy Father.

She unsnaps her neck collar, her entire wardrobe falls to the ground. She's topless with a skimpy pair of panties.

PILGRIM BOY
Eh. What the heck..

He reaches out with both hands and covers her breasts. His face orgasmic. Moans erupt from his gaped open mouth.

OLDER MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Milly!!!!!

She quickly bends and pulls her dress up.

OLDER MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Milly!!

PILGRIM GIRL
Tomorrow. Meet me here. Sunrise. I want your little pilgrim pecker in every hole on my body.

EXT. COUNTRY SIDE - LATER

The Pilgrim Boy dances and frolics along a dirt path. Rolling green hills in the background. Sun high above his head. White fluffy clouds in the distance. Life is good.

A cottage lies in the distance. Pilgrim Boy heads that way.

INT. COTTAGE

Pilgrim Boy opens the door and enters. His pilgrim father and mother crisscross the room. Cottage mostly bare. Sacks, filled with belongings, lined up at the door.

PILGRIM BOY
Are we going somewhere, mum?

PILGRIM DAD
Pack your belongings son. We're leaving and never coming back.

PILGRIM BOY
I'm sorry, sounded like you said 'never coming back'.

PILGRIM MOM
We are going to America, son. Where we can practice our religious beliefs without persecution.

PILGRIM BOY
Persecution-shmersicution, ma.
(wags his finger; making a point)
Hey, we should all be stockaded and whipped time to time. It builds character.

PILGRIM DAD
America is the future, son. And I want the Bush family name to have a strong hold there. We're doing this for your kids' kids.

PILGRIM BOY
Oh, they'll be ok. These Puritans will come around eventually. They can't hate us forever.

PILGRIM DAD
Pack your things, now. Oh, and there is a native people there called Indians. They like to take a hatchet and slice off our scalps so, don't wander off alone there.

PILGRIM MOM
But we here the weather in late spring is amazing!
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Old 01-13-2017, 08:32 AM   #2
kidd44
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Default Re: New Scene String

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Old 01-13-2017, 09:16 AM   #3
omovie
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Default Re: New Scene String

Uh...
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Old 01-13-2017, 10:00 AM   #4
Cyfress
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Default Re: New Scene String

So far I got 'jaw dropping' and 'shocked' as a response. Maybe I'll expand this into an entire screenplay.
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Old 01-13-2017, 10:05 AM   #5
kidd44
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Default Re: New Scene String

The only thing I'd change is "here" in the last line should be "hear."
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Old 01-13-2017, 10:24 AM   #6
Cyfress
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Default Re: New Scene String

Caught that after I posted. Dam illiterate.
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Old 03-13-2017, 08:53 AM   #7
TruthToPower
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Default Re: New Scene String

I think the shocked responses are that this reads like a per-pubescent boy's idea of how sex, biology and human relations read. If that boy got his sense of humor by watching Catskills comedians. No, that's not fair to Catskills comedians. As if that boy got his timing from Catskills comedians, but didn't understand how joke construction works. Also has pacing problems. You have your 'sex' scene followed by an information dump about America, persecution and Indians. This is not how people talk. People aren't plot machines that spit out facts rapid fire. Best of luck with your next exercise.
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