Entries - Xmas 2013 short script challenge

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  • #16
    Re: Entries - Xmas 2013 short script challenge

    Twas the night before Christmas

    Code:
    RED LIGHT, so bright it hurts our eyes, fills the screen.
    
    And...
    
    The red light dims...
    
    Fades to...
    
    BLACK.
    
    Beat.
    
    And we slowly PULL BACK to REVEAL
    
    The now black nose of RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. He
    lies dead in the snow, a ragged slash across his throat, a
    frozen pool of blood circling his head like a halo.
    
    
    EXT. NORTH POLE - NIGHT
    
    The aurora borealis dances across the sky as a light snow
    falls.
    
    SANTA CLAUS sips from a flask as he eyes the body of Rudolph.
    Santa's got his customary uniform on, but his coat is open,
    revealing a stained wife beater. He's still a big man, but
    the years of disbelief and commercialism have diminished his
    magic and his stature.
    
                          DASHER (O.S.)
              Prancer's over here.
    
    Santa raises his eyes:
    
    DASHER, the biggest and brawniest, but also the dumbest, of
    Santa's reindeer, stands next to a mutilated reindeer half-
    buried in the snow.
    
    Santa takes another sip from his flask.
    
                          SANTA
              Bring me Doyle.
    
                          DASHER
              I don't think that's a good--
    
    Santa gives Dasher a sharp look.
    
    Dasher stamps his hooves, but does as he's told and takes
    off into the northern lights.
    
    Santa continues to drink as he stares at Rudolph's body.
    
    
    INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP - BOILER ROOM - NIGHT
    
    Inside the deepest and darkest part of the Workshop, DOYLE,
    an elf, shovels reindeer sh*t into a gargantuan furnace. He
    does the jobs no one else wants.
    
                          DASHER (O.S.)
              Doyle!
    
    Doyle never stops in his Sisyphean task.
    
                          DASHER (CONT'D)
              Let's go, Doyle. The Old Man wants
              you.
    
                          DOYLE
              I'm busy.
    Dasher towers over Doyle, nudges him with an antler.
    
                          DASHER
              I said let's--
    
    Doyle whirls on Dasher, the shovel held at port arms.
    
    Dasher takes an involuntary step back.
    
    Doyle smiles, the smile never reaching his angry eyes.
    
                          DOYLE
              What's the Old Man want this time?
    
                          DASHER
              It's...it's Rudolph. You gotta come.
    
                          DOYLE
              Find someone else to shine his nose.
    
                          DASHER
              You don't understand. You gotta
              come.
    
    And Doyle pauses as he sees the fear reflected in Dasher's
    eyes.
    
    EXT. NORTH POLE - NIGHT
    
    Doyle looks at the bodies in the snow.
    
    Santa points with his flask.
    
                          SANTA
              When Rudolph didn't show at the
              staging area, Dasher went to look
              for him. This is what he found.
    
    Doyle examines the bodies, going from one to the other...
    
                          DOYLE
              Rudolph's throat was cut by something
              other than a knife...and Prancer,
              well, someone really didn't like
              Prancer. He looks like he went
              through a blender.
    
                          DASHER
              Why would someone do something like
              this?
    
                           DOYLE
                  (shrugs)
              Jealousy, maybe. Maybe someone didn't
              like Prancer giving the star of the
              show too much attention.
    
    He looks at Santa.
    
    Santa returns the look with a sip from his flask.
    
                          DASHER
              Well, I never liked that ***got
              anyway.
    
    Santa whirls on Dasher.
    
                          SANTA
              HE WAS ONE OF US! YOU'LL GIVE HIM
              THE RESPECT HE DESERVES!
    
    Dasher cowers before the rage.
    
    Doyle looks closely at Prancer's body.
    
                           DOYLE
              Hmmm.   This is--
    
                          SANTA
                  (to himself)
              F*** me.
    
    Dasher and Doyle follow Santa's gaze towards the sky: VIXEN,
    arcing through the northern lights, lands delicately in the
    snow a few feet away.
    
                          VIXEN
              Have you found him yet?   The natives
              are getting rest--
    
    She stares at the bodies.
    
    Dasher moves in front of her.
    
                          DASHER
              Hey, baby, you don't need-
    
                          VIXEN
              What happened?!! Is that...
    
    And she bursts into tears.
    
                          SANTA
                  (to Dasher)
              Get her out of here.
    
                          VIXEN
              Who's going to lead tonight?
    
                          DASHER
              Don't you worry about that, baby,
              we'll--
    
                          VIXEN
              Get away from me!
    
    She composes herself, takes one last look at the bodies, and
    leaps into the aurora borealis.
    
                          SANTA
                  (to Dasher)
              Make sure she doesn't start a panic.
    
    Dasher nods and follows.
    
                          DOYLE
              You know, I always had a thing for
              her.
    
                          SANTA
              You going to tell me which reindeer
              did this?
    
                          DOYLE
              A reindeer didn't do this.
    
    Santa eyes him, flask halfway to his mouth.
    
                          DOYLE (CONT'D)
              At first, I thought it was you, but
              there's just the hint of lilac.
    
                          SANTA
              What are you talking about?
    
    Doyle shows him:   a single strand of white hair.
    
    
    EXT. NORTH POLE - SANTA'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
    
    The northern lights have ended.  Twinkle of a few stars in a
    cold darkness.
    
    Santa and Doyle trudge through the snow, up to the white
    picket fence that surrounds Santa's cottage. Lights blaze
    in the cottage.
    
                          DOYLE
              This doesn't surprise you, does it?
    
    Santa says nothing, continues to drink.
    
                          DOYLE (CONT'D)
              I never liked her. And I think she
              had more to do with squashing the
              union than you did. Am I right?
    
    Santa upends the flask. Empty.   Scowling, he tosses it away.
    
                           DOYLE (CONT'D)
              Honestly, I can understand how the
              bitch would snap. Year after year
              after year of the humans not
              believing...
    
    Santa stops at the white picket fence. Stares.
    
    Doyle follows the stare:
    
    BLITZEN's severed head perched on the fence.
    
    Santa strokes his beard with a shaking hand.
    
    He walks to the door, hesitates...
    
    Enters.
    
    Doyle stands alone in the dark. MUTTERS with indecision.
    Makes up his mind and walks into the cottage.
    
    INT. SANTA'S COTTAGE - MAIN ROOM
    
                          SANTA (O.S.)
              I don't...I don't understand.
    
    Doyle peeks around a corner, sees:
    
    MRS. CLAUS poking the logs in the fireplace with an antler.
    She's smiling, strands of white hair plastered onto her
    cherubic face by sweat and blood; a blood stained apron
    wrapped around her barrel of a body.
    
                          MRS CLAUS
              It's for you, dear. You slave and
              work and for what? For people who
              don't believe in you? Who don't
              care for you? No. They're killing
              you, and I won't let it happen.
    
                          SANTA
              So Rudolph and...and the others?
    
                          MRS CLAUS
              This has to end. And what better
              way than to end it on this night.
              Now, I've made some cookies and cocoa
              and we'll take care of the others in
              the morning. It'll be my Christmas
              present to you, dear.
    Santa opens and closes his mouth like a fish gasping for
    air.
    
                           DOYLE
              Okay.   I've heard enough...
    
                          MRS CLAUS
              I don't like the help inside the
              house.
    
                          DOYLE
              Look, you crazy bitch, let's just
              put you in a nice comfy straightjacket
              and we'll--
    
    Mrs. Claus slings the antler at Doyle where it sticks into
    the wall behind him with a quivering THUNK!
    
    Doyle wipes blood off his cheek.   The antler cut him.
    
                          DOYLE (CONT'D)
              You f***ing bitch.
    
    And he leaps on her.
    
    They CRASH to the floor, kicking and clawing, while Santa
    can only watch with confusion and despair.
    
    Mrs. Claus stands up, has Doyle in a bear hug and
    SQUEEEEZES...
    
    Doyle grabs her head, puts his thumbs in her eyes and PUSHES!
    
    She SCREAMS.
    
    And Santa's paralysis breaks.
    
    He grabs Doyle by the back of the neck, and throws him against
    the far wall. THUD!
    
    He slides down the wall, stunned, the antler still sticking
    out of the wall two feet above his head.
    
    Santa picks up Doyle by the throat, holds him against the
    wall.
    
    Doyle kicks at Santa, but ineffective.
    
    Santa rips the antler out of the wall, puts the sharp tip of
    it against Doyle's forehead.
    
    Mrs. Claus stands right behind Santa, her mouth by his ear.
    Blood drips from her eyes; one eye dangles against a plump
    cheek.
                           MRS CLAUS
               Kill him. Kill him and we can blame
               all this on him when we're finished.
    
                             DOYLE
                   (gasps)
               Don't...
    
    Doyle's kicks weaken.
    
                           MRS CLAUS
               We'll start over.
    
    The antler breaks skin, a trickle of blood down Doyle's
    forehead.
    
    Santa's eyes narrow in rage...and then...
    
    His eyes soften and he blinks as if coming out of a dream...
    
                           MRS CLAUS (CONT'D)
               We'll start over and get our magic
               back.
    
    Suddenly
    
    Santa drops Doyle, and in one fluid motion turns the antler
    back on himself, and SHOVES it into his throat. It comes
    out of the side of his neck and into the ear of Mrs. Claus.
    
    She SCREAMS and tries to pull away.
    
    Santa holds her, pulls her to him and continues to PUSH the
    antler into the both of them: through his throat and into
    her head. Blood waterfalls out of them both.
    
    Santa looks at Doyle with what...sadness?   Relief?   Or maybe
    it's what we want to see in those eyes...
    
    The screaming stops and the two stand there for a moment,
    bathed in blood...
    
    Santa smiles.
    
    And they collapse.
    
    Doyle rises shakily to his feet, stares at the bodies in
    horror.
    
    Silence, broken by the POP of a log in the fireplace.
    
                           VIXEN (O.S.)
              Oh my god.
    Doyle turns.
    
    Elves and reindeer crowd the doorway.   Shock and confusion
    and fear in their eyes.
    
                          VIXEN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
              What do we do, Doyle?
    
    Doyle stares at the bodies on the floor.
    
                           VIXEN (CONT'D)
              Doyle.
    
    He looks at her.
    
                          VIXEN (CONT'D)
              What happens now?
    
    Beat.
    
    Doyle makes up his mind.
    
                          DOYLE
              We're under new management.

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Entries - Xmas 2013 short script challenge

      Christmas at Tiffannys

      Code:
      EXT. BOND STREET SHOPPING DISTRICT, LONDON - DAY
      
      Busy, crowded and chaotic with people and vehicles. Each
      shoppe is decorated up quite spiffy for the Christmas season.
      
      A TRANSIT VAN drives slowly along the street, then somehow
      manages to find a spot to park. It's not your typical van.
      The whole vehicle is detailed in a winter wonderland motif,
      which also includes the windows, preventing anyone from
      seeing inside.
      
      But that's not the most unusual particular about it. Atop the
      vehicle is a full-sized red sleigh.
      
      
      INT. VAN
      
      The back seats are missing. Three young men in their early
      20s, JACK, ARNOLD and CHARLIE are scrunched into the rear
      cargo area. They begin suiting up.
      
      Charlie is the first to put on his pointy elf hat with
      attached pointy ears.
      
                           CHARLIE
                 I told my girl I was gonna get a
                 real job. Not this.
      
      As the others follow suit, Jack gives him a look - "Wanker".
      
                           JACK
                 Just sit her down on her arse and
                 lay it out. "Luv, you're high
                 maintenance. Now, if'n you was to
                 start buying your clothes off-the-
                 peg, instead of those fancy stores,
                 maybe I wouldn't be in this mess."
      
      Charlie ignores him as he adjusts the hat and ears. A fake
      beard follows. The others are now similarly attired.
      
                           CHARLIE
                 I think I want out of this.
      
      A large figure leans around from the front driver's seat of
      the van: Santa, er, IVAN * a fat man clad in the traditional
      red suit with black boots and hat. But Ivan's head is smooth
      as a baby's buttocks and nowhere near as cute.
      
                           IVAN
                     (Russian accented)
                 Shut mouth. You owe money. You no
                 got money. You do. Or you be
                 reindeer food.
      
      He grins at his own joke. Darn it if his eyes don't twinkle.
      Ivan straps on a white beard/mustache combo and dons his own
      Santa cap with glued-on hair. Then he reaches over to grab
      hold of a very large, very heavy red velvet bag.
      
                           IVAN (CONT'D)
                 We go now. Do your part. You get
                 paid. Wait for signal.
      
      Out of his big bag, he pulls three medium-sized red bags and
      hands them to the young men.
      
      
      EXT. VAN
      
      Jack, Charlie and Arnold exit the vehicle. The van drives
      away with Santa - er, Ivan.
      
      
      EXT. ALBEMARLE STREET, LONDON
      
      One of the storefronts now sports a Playworld: an indoor area
      for kids full of brightly coloured play tubes and plastic
      ball pits. The place is packed.
      
      At the entrance is MRS. KERSTMAN, silver hair, short,
      somewhat stout figure, sensible boots, short skirt and a
      blouse emblazoned with a smiling snowman.
      
      With Mrs. Kerstman is what appears to be a young boy. Or
      girl. It's impossible to say what BABBO is, since the small
      figure is bundled up from toe to top in a snow jumper and
      tightly cinched hood. Only his eyes are visible.
      
                           BABBO
                     (squeaky voice, muffled,
                      but definitely male)
                 Christmas shopping sucks.
      
                           MRS. KERSTMAN
                 Now, Babbo. I won't be long. Why
                 don't you find out what all the
                 children here want for Christmas?
      
                           BABBO
                 Nothing I want, that's for sure.
      
                           MRS. KERSTMAN
                 Why don't you go see what all the
                 children want this year? I'll be
                 back shortly.
      
      
      EXT. BURLINGTON GARDENS
      
      Santa's van enters heavy traffic. It stops in the middle of
      the road. The door opens and Santa climbs up to his sleigh
      with his bag, waving to the excited children on the sidewalk.
      
      Ivan touches puts a finger to the side of his head, touching
      a partially concealed earpiece.
      
                             IVAN
                Is go.
      
      
      EXT. TIFFANY'S ON BOND STREET
      
      Mrs. Kerstman enters the jewelry store. Three guards are
      posted at various points. She approaches a display case. A
      SALESMAN is immediately at her beck and call.
      
                          SALESMAN
                How may I assist the lady today?
      
      She looks over the case.
      
                          MRS. KERSTMAN
                I'd like to buy my husband an
                earring.
      
      The salesman smiles.
      
                          SALESMAN
                What did the lady have in mind?
      
                          MRS. KERSTMAN
                Well, he's quite old-fashioned.
      
      At that moment, Jack, Arnold and Charlie enter, dressed as
      elves and carrying their bags.
      
                          JACK
                Merry Christmas from the Bond
                Street Merchants' Association!
      
      
      EXT. BURLINGTON GARDENS ROAD
      
      Horns sound as a constable makes his way toward the van
      blocking the throughway.
      
      Atop the sleigh, Ivan reaches into his bag and pulls out a
      small electronic device. He hits a button. A timer shows four
      minutes and begins counting down.
      
      
      INT. TIFFANY'S
      
      The three "elves" separate. With big smiles plastered on
      their faces, each one moves to one of the guards.
      
      The guards tense when the elves reach into their sacks, but
      relax when the elves pull their hands out with a candy cane,
      offering it to the guards.
      
      Two of the guards return the smile and take the offered
      sweet. They pop the candy cane into their mouths. Charlie's
      guard looks at it and sticks it in his pocket.
      
      There's distress written all over Charlie's face.
      
      EXT. BURLINGTON GARDENS
      
      Ivan connects a wire from the device to the sleigh as the
      constable nears. He glances down to check it--
      
      Only to find the timer now going at breakneck speed. It
      rushes down past the thirty second mark, the twenty --
      
      Ivan lifts his bulk up from the seat, trying to jump--
      
      BAROOM!!! He's not in time. The van is engulfed in flames as
      "Santa" is blown up and out into the crowd. He's saved from
      death by the awning that bounces him on his way down.
      
      
      INT. TIFFANY'S
      
      The two guards have slumped to the floor, dropping their
      drugged candy canes, as the EXPLOSION is heard.
      The third guard turns at the sound.
      
      Charlie is surprised by the explosion, too. He double checks
      his watch for a brief instant.
      
      When the guard turns his head back from the window, he spots
      the other two guards down. Charlie frantically reaches into
      his bag. But whatever he's trying to get at is stuck.
      
      Jack wastes no time, though. He yanks a L34A1/Sterling Mk.5
      silenced submachine gun out of his bag and crosses the store
      with almost unbelievable speed. He knocks the guard out with
      the butt of the gun.
      
                          JACK
                Draw the blinds!!!
      
      Jack shifts his weapon to cover the customers while Arnold
      and Charlie move to obey.
      
                          CHARLIE
                That was early.
      
                          JACK
                Don't sweat it, kid.
      
      Jack moves to the front door, locks it and flips the sign to
      CLOSED. Then he reaches back into his bag and pulls out a
      weird-looking device, tossing it on the floor.
      
                          JACK (CONT'D)
                Everyone may want to cover their
                eyes and ears.
      
      A BRILLIANT FLASH and then the lights go out. Sunlight barely
      filters in through the shut blinds.
      
                          JACK (CONT'D)
                    (at Charlie's glance)
                EMP. Shuts down all electricals in
                a half block radius. Including
                alarm systems.
      
      Arnold's already got his gun out. Charlie leaves his in his
      own bag. Jack waves his gun at the sales staff and customers.
      
                          JACK (CONT'D)
                All right. Everyone in the back.
      
      Arnold is sweeping out the display cases into his bag.
      
      Jack and Charlie herd everyone toward the back, including a
      very flustered Mrs. Kerstman, who is digging into her purse.
      
                          JACK (CONT'D)
                Hey, none of that, Luv! Charlie,
                take that from her.
      
      Charlie moves to her side.
      
                          CHARLIE
                I'm sorry. But I'll have to take
                that from you.
      
      Mrs. Kerstman takes her hand back out of the purse. But it's
      not empty, she's holding what looks like a candy cane pen.
      
                          MRS. KERSTMAN
                I just want to write my family.
                Just in case.
      
      Charlie takes her purse. Leans close.
      
                          CHARLIE
                Stay near me. I'll keep you safe.
      
                          MRS. KERSTMAN
                What's a nice young man like you
                doing with this lot?
      
                          CHARLIE
                Believe me, it's not by choice.
      
      Mrs. Kerstman considers on that for a moment while she
      fingers her pen. A faint red glow seems to come from it.
      Charlie's too frazzled to notice.
      
      
      INT. PLAYWORLD
      
      Babbo streaks out the door. The play ATTENDANT on his heels
      just can't catch him.
      
      
      INT. ALLEYWAY
      
      Babbo is shedding his snowsuit as he heads for a fire escape.
      
      
      INT. TIFFANY'S HALLWAY
      
      Jack locks the staff and customers into a storeroom. Except
      for Mrs. Kerstman.
      
                          JACK
                Just in case we need a hostage.
      
                          CHARLIE
                No! You can't do that!
      
      Jack swings the butt of his gun into Charlie's midsection,
      knocking the air out of him.
      
                          CHARLIE (CONT'D)
                    (to Arnold)
                Grab his gun. One more stooge we
                don't have to split the loot with.
      
      Arnold is happy to oblige.
                                                                  7.
      
      EXT. ROOFTOP
      
      Babbo stands on top of a heating unit. His snowsuit is gone
      and he's dressed in lederhosen, pointy shoes... and he's
      sporting a beard. He's waving his arms in the air.
      
      
      EXT. ALLEYWAY
      
      It's empty, except for lines of trash skips full of store
      refuse. Jack and Arnold exit the rear door of Tiffany's,
      holding their guns on Charlie and Mrs. Kerstman.
      
                          JACK
                We're clear. Don't see any sense in
                these two dragging us down.
      
      He levels his gun at Mrs. Kerstman. Charlie steps between.
      
      Jack grins.
      
                          JACK (CONT'D)
                Oh, look. A hero.
      
      Mrs. Kerstman taps Charlie's shoulder from behind.
      
                          MRS. KERSTMAN
                It looks like rain, dear.
      
      Charlie glances upward, behind Jack. His eyes go wide.
      
                          JACK
                Rain?
      
                          MRS. CLAUS
                No. I mean it looks like reindeer.
      
                          JACK
                Huh?
      
      From behind him, the real SANTA'S SLEIGH AND EIGHT REINDEER
      come swooping down from the sky, Babbo holding tight to the
      frame as SAINT NICK, whip in hand and urging his team onward,
      drives down upon the thieves.
      
      Jack twists around, just in time to be racked by the rack of
      Dasher's antlers. He's thrown high in the air to land in one
      of the skips - boxes and leftover food go flying.
      
      Arnold makes his break, but Santa's quicker. His whip cracks
      faster and straighter than Indiana Jones could ever manage.
      It wraps around Arnold's legs and sends him sprawling.
      
      The sleigh lands, the reindeer standing over Arnold. Santa
      reaches over and grabs Mrs. Kerstman, planting a great big
      kiss on her as he hugs her. Babbo comes up beside him.
      
                          SAINT NICK
                Good thing you alerted Babbo. Even
                with time warping, that was close.
      
      He puts a hand on Charlie's shoulder, pulls off Charlie's cap
      and beard.
      
                          SAINT NICK (CONT'D)
                I knew someday you'd make the nice
                list. There should be a nice reward
                for the apprehension of those two.
      
      Charlie's still trying to take this all in.
      
                          CHARLIE
                But.. But.. Security cameras...
      
      Santa waves a hand, there's a glow for a block around them.
      
                          SAINT NICK
                Malfunctioned. Comes in handy in my
                line of work.
      
                          CHARLIE
                The other people --
      
                          MRS. KERSTMAN
                They never saw your face. Besides,
                you took down the thieves.
      
      She starts to get on Santa's sleigh.
      
                          CHARLIE
                But... Mrs. Kerstman???
      
                          MRS. KERSTMAN
                Kerstman means Santa Claus in the
                Netherlands.
                    (kisses Santa)
                We met in Amsterdam.
      
      As the blues and twos of the police approach, Nick urges his
      team to take off, turning the opposite way to fly out.
      
                          SAINT NICK
                Merry Christmas to All! And to all
                a good night!!!

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Entries - Xmas 2013 short script challenge

        Snow Harder

        Code:
                                OVER BLACK
        
        "Let It Snow" played by sleigh bells and cow bells.
        
                            TITLE:   SNOW HARDER
        
        FADE IN:
        
        EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY
        
        Snow, snow, snow. A team of reindeer with bells on their
        antlers pulls an enclosed cabin sled with oval windows
        along the side.
        
        At each window is the face of a jovial bearded ELF wearing
        bright clothes and hats with bells.
        
        One Elf, at the rearmost window, is smooth shaven, and
        more serious than the others. He hugs a huge teddy bear.
        
        
        INT. CABIN SLED - DAY
        
        A center aisle with double seats on either side, like an
        airplane. An ELF STEWARDESS serves drinks from a trolley.
        
        The clean-shaven Elf, JONTY, sits beside a bearded fat
        HAPPY ELF who won't shut up.
        
                               HAPPY ELF
                   --just fills me with joy! The
                   thing I always ask is, why can't
                   we do this every day? Why is it
                   only one day each year?
        
                               JONTY
                   Maybe it wouldn't be special if we
                   did it all the time.
        
                               HAPPY ELF
                   Well, there is that, friend, you
                   may have a point there, indeed you
                   may. So what about you, are you
                   going to Santaville to meet someone?
                   Or are you hoping to strike it
                   lucky with some cute little Elf,
                   eh?
        
        Jonty shifts in his seat and his jacket opens to reveal a
        TOY GUN at his waist. Happy Elf's eyes widen in fear.
        Jonty flashes a badge, a gold "Q" on a shield.
        
                              JONTY
                  Relax. I'm a toy quality inspector.
                  This is just a sample I carry with
                  me at all times.
        
        The Elf Stewardess offers them drinks. Jonty declines.
        Happy Elf takes both drinks and throws them back.
        
                              HAPPY ELF
                  Waste not, want not! That's what
                  I always say! Is the teddy bear a
                  sample too?
        
                              JONTY
                  It's a present for my wife.
        
                              HAPPY ELF
                  Well that surprises me, young
                  feller. You don't look old enough,
                  if I may say so, to be married, no
                  you don't.
        
        Jonty stares out the window at the snow.
        
        
        EXT. CABIN SLED - DAY
        
        The Elves disembark from the cabin sled.  Jonty squeezes
        out carrying his big teddy bear.
        
                              ELF STEWARDESS
                  Thank you for riding North Pole
                  Sledways.
        
        
        EXT. SANTAVILLA PLAZA - DAY
        
        Hundreds of Elves going every which way. A BIG ELF
        shoulders Jonty aside. Jonty snarls into his face. Big
        Elf shrinks back in fear and runs off into the crowd.
        
                              JONTY
                  Son of an Elf...
        
        Passing Elves stop and stare in shock. Jonty lowers his
        head with embarrassment and moves through the crowd.
        
        Jonty sticks his fingers in his mouth and WHISTLES. A one-
        reindeer taxi sled pulls up, Jonty climbs in the back.
        
        
        INT. TAXI SLED - DAY
        
                              JONTY
                  Sure is crowded out there.
        
                              ELF DRIVER
                  Gets that way this time of year.
        
                              JONTY
                  Guess it does. I'm here to see my
                  wife. Well, she's not really my
                  wife any more. Guess we stopped
                  playing that charade a while back.
                  Her name's Holly. I came all the
                  way from Elf City. Hoping she'd
                  talk to me.
        
                              ELF DRIVER
                  Elf City, huh?
        
                              JONTY
                  She works at the Santa Tower.
        
                              ELF DRIVER
                  On my way, chief.
        
        
        EXT. SANTA TOWER - DAY
        
        A huge igloo dome, lights showing from hundreds of windows.
        Rising out of the igloo roof is a skyscraper that goes all
        the way up into the snow clouds.
        
        
        INT. RECEPTION - SANTA TOWER - DAY
        
        Jonty sits his teddy bear on the desk and grins at the
        cute RECEPTIONIST.
        
                              JONTY
                  Hi, I'm Jonty. I'm here to see
                  Holly, she works in Gift Dispatch.
                  Problem is, I don't know if she'll
                  want to see me. We used to be
                  married, once upon a time. Then
                  she up and left me. Not for another
                  Elf, if that's what you're thinking.
        
        The Receptionist picks up a toy doggy phone and dials.
        
                              ELF RECEPTIONIST
                  Holly, please. She has a visitor.
        
        
        INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
        
        Jonty watches the changing numbers. 27, 28, 29... He
        runs his finger inside his collar, wipes sweat from his
        brow, takes deep breaths. DING! 30th floor.
        
        
        INT. GIFT DISPATCH - 30TH FLOOR - DAY
        
        Dozens of Elves at desks talking into toy animal phones.
        
                              ELF #1
                  Confirm sixty million teddy bears,
                  assorted colors, must be ready by
                  five o'clock tonight.
        
                              ELF #2
                  Thirty million princess dolls with
                  pink hair, forty with silver, fifty
                  gold, must be dispatched by five
                  o'clock tonight.
        
                              ELF #3
                  We have a naughty child flag, she
                  refuses to eat her greens. Give
                  her a puppy but not the kind she
                  asked for, must go by five o'clock
                  tonight.
        
        Jonty glances at a wall clock, it's 15 minutes to 5 o'clock.
        BUDDY, a painfully jovial fast-talking Elf, grabs Jonty's
        hand and pumps it.
        
                              BUDDY
                  Put 'er there, pal! Name's Buddy,
                  I work with Holly, she's some girl,
                  color me surprised, I never knew
                  she was married, and to an Elf
                  from Elf City no less, wow! We're
                  about to throw a little party and
                  guess what, you're invited.
        
                              JONTY
                  I'm not very good at parties.
        
                              BUDDY
                  That's what Holly said! Just stick
                  with me, pal, you'll be okay.
        
        INT. CONFERENCE ROOM PARTY - DAY
        
        Dozens of ELVES help themselves to drinks from a pink punch
        bowl. Jonty sees HOLLY across the room. Gorgeous, curly
        red hair, she laughs at a joke told by an OLDER ELF. She
        senses Jonty watching. Gives him a hesitant smile.
        
        Buddy slips a pink glass into Jonty's hand.
        
                              JONTY
                  No, I don't--
        
                              BUDDY
                  Down the hatch, pal! Plenty more
                  where that came from. Man, will
                  you look at the skirt here? I
                  gotta grab me some of that. Bottoms
                  up!
        
        Buddy wanders to talk to a cute ELF GIRL. Jonty makes his
        way across the room. He abandons his drink on the table.
        
        He's face to face with Holly. Undeniable attraction.  But
        there's a barrier between them.
        
                              JONTY
                  Hi.
        
                              HOLLY
                  Hi. I can't believe you came all
                  this way just to say hello.
        
                              JONTY
                  I didn't. I mean, yes, I'd like
                  to say hello. Hello. But that's
                  not the only reason I came.
        
                              HOLLY
                  Oh?
        
        He gives her the big teddy bear.  She's embarrassed.
        
                              HOLLY
                  It's... lovely.
        
                              JONTY
                  I've been thinking. About us.
                  I've been doing that a lot lately.
                  Fact is, I never realized how big
                  our little one-room cabin apartment
                  is. Until you walked out on me.
        
                              HOLLY
                  I didn't walk out on you, Jonty.
                  I had a job offer. It meant a
                  promotion, and doing something I
                  really love. I asked you to come
                  with me, remember?
        
                              JONTY
                  Sure I do. But I'm not a Santaville
                  kind of guy. I'm from Elf City.
                  You know what they say. You can
                  take the Elf out of the City...
        
                              HOLLY
                  I'm not sure I know what that means.
                  Well. Here we are. I hope we can
                  at least be civil to each other.
                  My boss is here, and my friends...
        
                              JONTY
                  I'd like us to be a lot more than
                  just civil.
        
                              HOLLY
                  Are you saying you'd give up your
                  job and join me here?
        
                              JONTY
                  I thought the "Elf out of the City"
                  thing covered that. I can't just
                  give up my job.
        
                              HOLLY
                  And I can't give up mine.
        
                              JONTY
                  Can't, or won't?
        
                              HOLLY
                  We've been through this before,
                  Jonty.
        
                               JONTY
                  Yeah.  Where's the can?
        
                              HOLLY
                      (indicates door)
                  The rest room is through there.
        
        Jonty exits.
        
        
        INT. REST ROOM - DAY
        
        Jonty stares at his reflection, and shakes his head.
        
                              JONTY
                  You handled that real well, Jonty.
        
        
        INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
        
        Everyone SCREAMS as a dozen more ELVES wearing ski masks
        enter, armed with toy guns.
        
                              OLDER ELF
                  Who in Santa's name are you Elves?
        
        The MASKED LEADER roughly pushes Older Elf into a chair.
        
                              MASKED LEADER
                      (German accent)
                  I vill give ze orders and you will
                  all obey. Anyone who fails to
                  cooperate will be punished.
        
                              FRIGHTENED ELF
                  German Elves!
        
        Holly glances at the rest room door.  Masked Leader notices.
        
                              MASKED LEADER
                  Someone check zat out.
        
        A MASKED ELF heads for the door.
        
        
        INT. REST ROOM - DAY
        
        The Masked Elf slowly pushes the door open and peeks inside.
        Sees no one.  He checks the stalls.  Empty.
        
        He's about to leave when he sees Jonty's gun and badge
        lying by the sink.
        
        
        INT. HOLLY'S OFFICE - DAY
        
        Her name on the door.  Jonty checks the place out, is
        impressed.
        
                              JONTY
                  Doing well for yourself, baby...
        
        He picks up a framed photograph of Holly with Older Elf
        and grinning Buddy squeezing her, leering at the camera.
        
                              JONTY
                  Son of an Elf...
        
        SCREAMS attract his attention. He reaches for his gun,
        pats empty air, dammit he left it in the rest room!
        
        Masked Elf appears in the doorway, aims a toy gun. Jonty
        chucks the photograph, DUNK, Masked Elf is knocked out.
        
        Jonty picks up his gun.
        
                              JONTY
                  Dammit, we're already at Page 7,
                  do I even have time for this?
        
        
        INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
        
        Jonty's in a firefight with German Elves. His rubber-tipped
        arrows PLOP against their foreheads with uncanny accuracy,
        bowling them over.
        
        
        INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
        
        DING, the doors open, German Elves emerge with guns ready,
        but PLOP PLOP PLOP they're dead meat. One Elf falls so
        his head lies in the way of the doors, which repeatedly
        try to close, open, close... CRUNCH.
        
        
        INT. GLASS-WINDOW OFFICE - DAY
        
        German Elves open fire, raining glass onto Jonty who huddles
        under a desk.
        
                              JONTY
                  Son of an Elf!
        
        
        INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
        
        Jonty, ripped bloody shirt, no shoes, wild hair, leans
        against the wall, panting for breath. An Elf turns the
        corner and Jonty's gun snaps up.
        
                              SCARED ELF
                  No, don't shoot, please, no!
        
        Jonty lowers his gun.
        
                              JONTY
                  It's okay, take it easy.
        
                              SCARED ELF
                  Zank Gott, I zought you vere one
                  of zose terrible, terrible people.
        
        Jonty squints, suspicious.
        
                              JONTY
                  Interesting accent you got there.
        
        "Scared Elf" who is really the German Elf Leader draws his
        gun and blasts at Jonty, who runs for his life. Rubber
        sucker bullets PLOP onto the walls. Missed!
        
                                 GERMAN ELF LEADER (INTO WALKIE TALKIE)
                  Cut him off!  Ve haff him now!
        
        
        EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT
        
        Jonty fights with a HUGE BLOND-HAIRED ELF who knocks him
        all over the place, giving him a savage beating.
        
                                 JONTY
                     SON OF AN ELF!
        
        
        INT. HOLLY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
        
        The window's been blasted out, Jonty and Holly lie on the
        floor, desperately holding onto the big teddy bear while
        German Elf Leader dangles in space, holding onto its ears.
        
                                 GERMAN ELF LEADER
                     You can't let me go, ve are Elves!
                     Elves are nice to each other!
                     Most especially at Christmas time!
        
        Jonty and Holly glance at each other, and let go of the teddy
        bear.  German Elf Leader plunges to his doom, an astonished
        expression on his face.  He hugs the big teddy bear.
        
                                 HOLLY
                     You let it go.
        
                                  JONTY
                     I'm prepared to let a lot of things
                     go, for you.
        
        They kiss.  Snowflakes fall on them.
        
        
        EXT. SANTA TOWER - NIGHT
        
        Elf COPS watch as a wailing figure plunges down and SPLATS.
        
                                 BLACK ELF COP
                     That's gotta hurt.
        
        All the other Elves slowly turn to stare at Black Elf Cop.
        
                                 BLACK ELF COP
                     You never seen an ironic Elf before?
        
        FADE OUT

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