How do I show ...

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  • How do I show ...

    I open a story in the garden of a large manor. The year is 2114.

    The manor is pristine, surrounded by lush gardens.

    The story is told via flashbacks, as far back as 1920, but predominantly during 2006.

    The manor changes over the years. When I intoduce the manor in the 2006 flashback, do I refer to it as 'same manor as opening scene'?

    In 2006, there aren't any gardens.


    A

  • #2
    Re: How do I show ...

    Give it a distinctive name, so the reader will know it's the same manor in each time period. Then you can write slug lines like

    EXT. STATELY WAYNE MANOR - 2114 A.D. - DAY

    and

    EXT. STATELY WAYNE MANOR - 2006 A.D. - NIGHT

    You can describe the manor in your action paragraph and mention that there's no garden in its present-day version.

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    • #3
      Re: How do I show ...

      Seems clear enough. I need a name!!

      Is the A.D. necessary?

      A

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      • #4
        Re: How do I show ...

        Not at all. I just figured it was a good way to make sure the reader knows the numbers in the slug line, like 2114 and 2006, are years.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: How do I show ...

          Makes sense, especially if one is going to jump around a little.

          Clarity rocks!!

          I did this ...

          EXT. GARDEN – DUBOIS MANOR ESTATE – FRANCE – 2114 A.D. - DAY


          A cool and hazy morning. A glassy pond reflects the glory of a large and ancient MANOR. Bed upon bed of blooming flowers fill the estate with color.

          A
          Last edited by alex whitmer; 09-02-2006, 09:57 PM.

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          • #6
            Re: How do I show ...

            Don't get too excited. JoeNYC will be along any moment now to say my advice is terrible.

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            • #7
              Re: How do I show ...

              I wait with baited breath.
              A

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: How do I show ...

                EXT. GARDEN - DUBOIS MANOR ESTATE - FRANCE - 2114 A.D. - DAY

                A cool and hazy morning. A glassy pond reflects the glory of a large and ancient MANOR. Bed upon bed of blooming flowers fill the estate with color.
                Still overwriting, I see!

                -Derek
                My Web Page - shameless vampyre fiction & other shameless writings.
                I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: How do I show ...

                  Originally posted by dpaterso
                  Still overwriting, I see!

                  -Derek
                  My Web Page - shameless vampyre fiction & other shameless writings.
                  I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't?
                  This started out as a four line intro. it's down to two.

                  Explain.

                  A

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: How do I show ...

                    I always respect your thoughts Dpat, but after reading about 15 script openings, from Jaws to Awakenings, Terminator, and so on, I am not seeing how this is 'over-written.

                    Anyways, I saw other curious things, from using camera angles, to using very specific time of day (early morning, afternoon, dusk), to referencing the sound of a familiar actor's voice.


                    Note:

                    THE BIG LEBOWSKI

                    We are floating up a steep scrubby slope. We hear male voices
                    gently singing "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" and a deep, affable,
                    Western-accented voice--Sam Elliot's, perhaps:


                    END

                    Love to see how you might re-write it. Need to contrast the lushness with barren later.

                    And per the question??

                    A

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: How do I show ...

                      Originally posted by alex whitmer
                      I always respect your thoughts Dpat, but after reading about 15 script openings, from Jaws to Awakenings, Terminator, and so on, I am not seeing how this is 'over-written.

                      Anyways, I saw other curious things, from using camera angles, to using very specific time of day (early morning, afternoon, dusk), to referencing the sound of a familiar actor's voice.


                      Note:

                      THE BIG LEBOWSKI

                      We are floating up a steep scrubby slope. We hear male voices
                      gently singing "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" and a deep, affable,
                      Western-accented voice--Sam Elliot's, perhaps:


                      END

                      Love to see how you might re-write it. Need to contrast the lushness with barren later.

                      And per the question??

                      A
                      Keep in mind, the Coen brothers were writing a script they were to produce and direct. For all you know they already spoke to Sam Elliot about playing the narrator.

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                      • #12
                        Re: How do I show ...

                        That crossed my mind.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How do I show ...

                          aw, the fact you'd even quote something like The Big Lebowski makes me wonder if we're in the same star system, never mind on the same planet. Anyways,

                          EXT. GARDEN – DUBOIS MANOR ESTATE – FRANCE – 2114 A.D. - DAY

                          A cool and hazy morning. A glassy pond reflects the glory of a large and ancient MANOR. Bed upon bed of blooming flowers fill the estate with color.
                          What are we looking at here, the entire estate from high altitude, or just the manor house at ground level? The latter, I think, which makes all this feel just a little wordy. We can't know it's cool, and as for the glassy pond reflecting the glory, save it for the novel. You don't need to tell us the flower beds fill the estate with color -- you just have to tell us there are flower beds.

                          So, just for fun's sake, I'd maybe trim the above to,

                          EXT. CLASSICAL FRENCH MANOR HOUSE - DAY

                          Surrounded by estate gardens and colorful flower beds.

                          ...What else is needed to establish where we are? That's what I meant by overwriting -- which might not be why you end up with 160-page bricks, but I dare say it might be a contributing factor.

                          When going back to 2006 I'd describe the obvious difference,

                          EXT. CLASSICAL FRENCH MANOR HOUSE - DAY

                          Without the gardens and flower beds. Enclosed by stone walls.

                          ...or whatever applies.

                          IMO the time stamp is a confusing waste of space, "2114" is nothing more than a random number plucked out of the air. I'd show, via the setting, characters, actions, and dialogue, that this scene takes place in the future (obviously). Have a hovercar pull up to the entrance, or a floating robot gardener tend the lawn, or something.

                          Shrug, I could be wrong. Has been known. I think it was back in 1997... Kidding.

                          -Derek
                          My Web Page - shameless vampyre fiction & other shameless writings.
                          I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: How do I show ...

                            aw, the fact you'd even quote something like The Big Lebowski makes me wonder if we're in the same star system, never mind on the same planet.
                            You don't like The Big Lebowski?



                            You're suspect.

                            You're suspect!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: How do I show ...

                              Obviously you're not a golfer.

                              -Derek
                              My Web Page - shameless vampyre fiction & other shameless writings.
                              I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.

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