This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

Collapse

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

    Originally posted by Unfinishe View Post

    Context: Happy-go-lucky Tim confides to Sarah that he attempted suicide.

    My line for her reaction: "Sarah's stomach flips."
    Criticism: I can't see a stomach flip. Describe facial expressions.
    Expressions such as, "Sarah's stomach flips" and "A pause that's killing him," is your voice. Readers have their biases and personal taste and choices. This is what I believe the criticism that you're receiving is coming from and I suggest for you to ignore.

    I believe a true constructive criticism would be the way you use the line "Sarah's stomach flips" in the context of the scene that you've presented.

    "stomach flips" is usually used to express a nervousness to get across a passionate, romantic love.

    In this scene, it's to express a pit in Sarah's stomach about Ted's attempted suicide, which it could be used to convey this, but because of its association with "passionate love" it may cause confusion, therefore, I would suggest to select an alternative.

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

      Originally posted by Unfinishe View Post
      Context: Nicky failed to recover a flash-drive from a VIP's penthouse. Bourne's hidden in the house.

      Lines: EXT. CITY STREET
      Nicky frantically punches out a text...

      INT. PENTHOUSE
      Off the text, Bourne zeroes in on the flash drive.

      Criticism: "Off the text" implies. SHOW what we see that tells us this.
      Originally posted by Centos View Post
      I don't know what "off the text" means, but otherwise I don't see anything wrong with any of this. I think (your) critic is petty.
      Originally posted by finalact4 View Post
      It means he reads the text, then reacts to it. I think you're right about the "petty critic."
      Unfinishe, you could change the line to “From the text message, Bourne zeroes in on the flash drive.” Another stand-in for “Off the text...” would be “Based on the text message....”

      It seems the criticism is a wee bit overboard to me. Perhaps that reader was having a bad moment at a bad hour on a bad day for them. What you wrote was more exciting and more in keeping with the pace and rhythm than, “Bourne reads the text. Blah, blah, blah.” Write on. Happy holidays!
      Last edited by Clint Hill; 02-12-2020, 07:15 PM.
      “Nothing is what rocks dream about” ― Aristotle

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

        Originally posted by Centos View Post
        I think you're critic is petty.

        Or very inexperienced.

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

          Originally posted by Unfinishe View Post
          Normally, I wouldn't pay this much mind, but I had two readers who recently criticized me for lines that have otherwise flown under the radar. Here are a few examples (out of many) with the names and situations altered to protect the guilty.
          Three things:

          1) These examples are perfectly valid. No rule-breaking at all.
          2) There are no rules
          3) Anyone who cites 'rules' should be ignored as the clueless and inept* amateur that they are


          *Inept because avoiding such examples and only writing what can be seen because of mistaken allegiance to rules will remedy their writing flat and bland.

          Your critics were the usual dolts who have no idea and only serve to mislead other amateur writers.
          M.A.G.A.

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

            Sorry, but some of the above is bad advice.

            Lose the stomach doing flip-flops thing. It's not about rules and it's not about showing vs telling. It's about POV / perspective. Writing 101.

            Unless for some reason you're writing your screenplay in the 3rd person omniscient.

            You can say she LOOKS like her stomach... yada yada.

            I remember one of the most valuable writing lessons I ever learned was in a college writing class. We had to write a piece about someone feeling out of place, and I wrote something about an overweight girl at the beach, and I was describing everything in the third person, but then I did exactly what you did, I had one sentence where the POV changed and I wrote something like "she FELT like..." and it was out of whack and my teacher wrote "change of perspective" in the margin. And it made total sense. You have to keep track of that kind of stuff as a writer.

            Kind of like the 180 degree rule when you're shooting a movie.

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

              Originally posted by Rantanplan View Post
              Sorry, but some of the above is bad advice.

              Lose the stomach doing flip-flops thing. It's not about rules and it's not about showing vs telling. It's about POV / perspective. Writing 101.

              Unless for some reason you're writing your screenplay in the 3rd person omniscient.

              You can say she LOOKS like her stomach... yada yada.
              I don't agree. "Her stomach does flip-flops" immediately gets the point across. We "see" the character's reaction. An actor can act it. "...she LOOKS like her stomach does flip-flops..." is clumsy, adds unnecessary words and it's only done so you're not "breaking" some arbitrary non-rule about "show, don't tell." Screenplay writing is a form of shorthand. Don't use an unneeded "explanation" just to comply with some so-called "rule."
              STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                Originally posted by Rantanplan View Post
                Sorry, but some of the above is bad advice.

                Lose the stomach doing flip-flops thing. It's not about rules and it's not about showing vs telling. It's about POV / perspective. Writing 101.

                Unless for some reason you're writing your screenplay in the 3rd person omniscient.

                You can say she LOOKS like her stomach... yada yada.
                No. It's this which is bad advice.
                M.A.G.A.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                  Originally posted by Centos View Post
                  I don't agree. "Her stomach does flip-flops" immediately gets the point across. We "see" the character's reaction. An actor can act it. "...she LOOKS like her stomach does flip-flops..." is clumsy, adds unnecessary words and it's only done so you're not "breaking" some arbitrary non-rule about "show, don't tell." Screenplay writing is a form of shorthand. Don't use an unneeded "explanation" just to comply with some so-called "rule."
                  Exactly. Not only is Rantanplan's version clumsy whilst the original version isn't but the original and it's like pepper all pro-level and pro-written scripts.

                  Rantanplan is falling for the 'Myths of Screenwriting' which suckers many-a-writer, sucks out their voice and style, and renders their writing jarring and awkward.
                  M.A.G.A.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                    Originally posted by SundownInRetreat View Post
                    Rantanplan is falling for the 'Myths of Screenwriting' which suckers many-a-writer, sucks out their voice and style, and renders their writing jarring and awkward.
                    It really screwed me up for a couple of years when I tried to comply to all the "rules" of screenplay writing. I even argued with successful pros that "their" way wasn't the right way. Then, of course, there's always the "they can get away with it because they're pros" argument. What cured me of that delusion was realizing that the pros who broke in, broke in to screenplay writing using the same style of writing they used after they broke in.
                    STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                      Originally posted by Centos View Post
                      It really screwed me up for a couple of years when I tried to comply to all the "rules" of screenplay writing. I even argued with successful pros that "their" way wasn't the right way. Then, of course, there's always the "they can get away with it because they're pros" argument. What cured me of that delusion was realizing that the pros who broke in, broke in to screenplay writing using the same style of writing they used after they broke in.
                      I agree. And I am forever grateful for the several specific threads that we had on the matter, back in DDP's heyday, with numerous pros confirming this and repeating the same info in a multitude of other-topic threads whenever the matter would arise.
                      Last edited by SundownInRetreat; 01-04-2020, 07:07 PM.
                      M.A.G.A.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                        Originally posted by Centos View Post
                        It really screwed me up for a couple of years when I tried to comply to all the "rules" of screenplay writing. I even argued with successful pros that "their" way wasn't the right way. Then, of course, there's always the "they can get away with it because they're pros" argument. What cured me of that delusion was realizing that the pros who broke in, broke in to screenplay writing using the same style of writing they used after they broke in.
                        The delusion is amateurs "think" they are in an inferior position to professional writers. They believe pros have an advantage they do not themselves have.

                        The reality is simple... professional writers do not believe there are rules. Therefore, they write with confidence and conviction.

                        Some amateurs have the mindset that professional writers are NOT their competition. They settle for trying to be the best amateur. Their goal, imo, should be to compete directly with professional writers.

                        If you write as well as Aaron Sorkin, you will be paid as well as Aaron Sorkin.
                        "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                          Slight amendment:

                          The reality is simple... professional writers do not believe there are rules. Because there aren't any.
                          M.A.G.A.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                            Originally posted by SundownInRetreat View Post
                            Slight amendment:

                            The reality is simple... professional writers do not believe there are rules. Because there aren't any.
                            Except, don't be boring.
                            "Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy b/c you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say." -- Edward Snowden

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                              Oh my lord. There are rules, and then are the fundamentals of writing. One of them is, Pick your POV.

                              I'm not saying what the OP wrote isn't clear. Of course it is. It's clear to any moron on the planet. But it's bad writing.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Re: This Violates Screenplay Format -- SHOWING

                                Originally posted by finalact4 View Post
                                Some amateurs have the mindset that professional writers are NOT their competition. They settle for trying to be the best amateur. Their goal, imo, should be to compete directly with professional writers.
                                In the late 80s and early 90s my brother and I "published" a small-press magazine. Since we actually paid a whopping 1/4¢ a word, we got a lot of submissions. Pretty much wore me out trying to read them all. What I discovered in my few years of involvement in small press "publishing" (so to speak) is that the only people who read small-press magazines were those who wrote for them or editors of other small-press magazines. It was a world unto itself, with very few ever rising out of that world and writing for magazines in the "real" world. That's basically how I see a lot of folks who frequent screenwriting forums, pore over "gurus" screenwriting books, enter multiple contests and pay exorbitant prices for "reads" on Blacklist. There's no "vertical" in any of this, it's a horizontal world of its own. It's fine to live there if you see this as a hobby (like I do, now that I realize I don't have the "chops" to write full-length scripts) but if you're really trying to break in you (as you said) compete with those who are actually selling screenplays — not those who are competing against others who aren't selling anything (which includes most the "gurus" who write the books). It's an expensive hobby when you're paying for these books, "reads" on Blacklist and screenplay writing contests entry fees. I never did enter a contest. I always figured if I had something worth selling (which I never did) I would try to sell it, and not enter it into a contest.

                                (Stepping off the soapbox.)
                                STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X