I'd like to post a short fight scene I've written. Since I've never attempted to write physical action of this type I could use some help. Is it okay to post it?
Writing physical action
Collapse
Announcement
Collapse
No announcement yet.
X
-
Re: Writing physical action
I object.
NOOOO No, NO--you may not post your material at all here.
Just kidding--would love to see it.
My advice keep it simple.
Go back to an old screenplay written by James Cameron... "Aliens"
It is completely written in one liners.
No paragraphs at all.
Just one line descriptions, then a hard return with no spacing.
Just like this paragraph--okay there were paragraphs like this.
It was brilliant.
Each line was a shot, or gem of action.
Now if you can do this, but not do the hard return on-line thingy--then you got something.
It's a way of directing without directing if you know what I mean.
TLast edited by Takezo; 12-01-2009, 07:02 PM.
Comment
-
Re: Writing physical action
Okay, here it is. Took awhile, though. The only thing I'll say is that earlier in the scene three men are identified as #1,#2,#3. Is that just bad writing? Too impersonal. I read Alien. Great! But so different from scripts today, I beleive. Any help would be appreciated.
MAN #3
(to Billy)
And I'll take that camera.
He reaches over to grab the strap and Billy cold-cocks him. He goes down in a heap.
At that point all hell breaks loose.
Man #2 blind-sides Billy with the wood post the sign is attached to.
Argus breaks the crate of oranges over his head. The man staggers back.
Billy goes after Man #1, who has dragged Nelson to the ground. He puts a choke hold on him.
The two other men have recovered enough to advance on Billy. They use their wood posts to swing and jab at him.
Billy still has Man #1 in a choke hold. He keeps him close, in an attempt to deflect the thrusts made at him.
BILLY
Nelson, get in the car and close the damn door!
Nelson does. Argus goes around to the drivers side and opens the door.
One of the men jabs Billy in the ribs with his post. He winces in pain, but doesn't let up on the choke hold. Man #1 begins to lose consciousness.
Suddenly, there's a gunshot. The men freeze.
ANGLE ON
Argus has a .38 snub-nose pointed at them. He cocks the hammer.
Comment
-
Re: Writing physical action
PHP Code:
MAN #3
(to Billy)
And I’ll take that camera.
He reaches over, grabs the strap.
Billy cold-cocks him.
He goes down in a heap.
All Hell breaks loose.
Man #2 grabs a wooden post with a sign attached to it and
blind-sides Billy.
Argus breaks a crate of oranges over his head.
The man staggers back.
Man #2 drags Nelson to the ground. Puts a choke hold on
him.
Billy rushes toward Man #1.
Having recovered, two other men advances on Billy.
They swing wooden posts. Jab the posts at Billy.
Billy strangles Man #1 in a choke hold. Squeezes tight,
deflects swings and thrusts to his body.
BILLY
Nelson, get in the car and close the
damn door!
Nelson climbs in the car.
Argus tramps around to the drivers side, opens the door.
One of the men jabs a post into Billy's ribs.
He winces in pain, but doesn’t let up on the choke hold.
Man #1 loses consciousness.
Bang!
A gunshot.
The men freeze.
Argus points a .38 snub-nose at the three men.
He cocks the hammer.
Comment
-
Re: Writing physical action
Is it okay to use the MAN #1,2,3 as the characters names or should I be make it more like prose style?
Visually the image of 'MAN #1' is identical to 'MAN #2'. That can be very effective in the right situation - Frank Darabont uses the technique in 'Shawshank' when Red is facing the parole board. The fact that all the guys in suits are pretty much interchangable is exactly the image that works for the film.
In a fight scene, though, it can confuse the reader REALLY easily. To avoid it, just pick some characteristics. 'SHORTY' , 'JULIO' , 'FAT TONY' etc.
Fight scenes can also get confusing with word order.
Look at this line from your example: "Man #2 blind-sides Billy with the wood post the sign is attached to. Argus breaks the crate of oranges over his head"
It reads as if Argus breaks the crate of oranges over Billy's head (since Billy was the last person referred to)
"Billy goes after Man #1, who has dragged Nelson to the ground. He puts a choke hold on him. "
Again - not absolutely clear. (Quick English test: "(Man A) goes after (Man B) who has pushed (Man C). He puts a choke hold on him." Is 'He' Man A,B or C? What about 'him' ? )
Sure, a moment's thought will give you the right answer. But in a fast moving fight scene you don't want to force the reader to take a moment to think about exactly what is happening. You want to keep the reader in the flow.
Good luck,
MacLast edited by Mac H.; 12-09-2009, 10:49 PM.
Comment
-
Re: Writing physical action
For what it's worth, yes, follow all their good advice on writing, but at the end of the day by the time it's time to shoot it the director is likely not going to be holding the script in his/her hand, pouring over every word -- and all your painstaking wording will be boiled down to the essence of the scene -- whether it's "Fat Tony and Junior kick the crap out of Nermal," or whatever. Then the actors will proceed to kick the crap out of Nermal. The DP will get great angles and voila, you have a fight!Last edited by cvolante; 12-19-2009, 01:53 PM.
Comment
Comment