Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

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  • #16
    Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

    I don't mean to hijack the thread, but today I'm polishing a 2017 script and came across this paragraph: (This is the first time I've ever posted anything to this place!)
    INT. STRIP JOINT AND TAVERN - NIGHT
    Ear-splitting rock music and indistinct conversation throbs
    all around Roger as he drops onto a bar stool, wags a finger
    at the bartender, gets a whiskey, and downs it in one gulp.
    It's currently 3 perfectly full lines, and for the polish I've decided not to change anything, but I thought it was so uncannily similar to the OP's post that some of you might want to take a crack at it. Or maybe not.

    As a bit of backgrounder, the character "Roger" is a decidedly-neglectful, reprobate dad who's left his kids in their hotel room while he goes on a bender next door. This is the entire scene: We need to know where he goes, before we return to the kids who are the subject of the story.

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    • #17
      Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

      I think it's fine but as an exercise in killing orphans and klingons...

      INT. STRIP JOINT AND TAVERN – NIGHT
      Ear-splitting rock music, indistinct conversation throb
      around Roger. He drops on a bar stool, signals to
      the bartender, gets and downs a whiskey in one gulp.

      Call me the "serial word killer" Mwahahahaha!

      EDIT: I didn't gain any page real estate with the edit above, just probably made a bunch of mistakes (is it "throb" or "throbs"? Anything gained by dividing the music/conversation into one item and Roger's actions in the other with two sentences?)

      It's an interesting balance to go through with an exercise. Narrative balanced against page real estate and both put in motion on the page either slowly, or building or racing along at various paces.
      Last edited by UneducatedFan; 07-06-2018, 08:35 AM.
      You know Jill you remind me of my mother. She was the biggest whore in Alameda and the finest woman that ever lived. Whoever my father was, for an hour or for a month, he must have been a happy man.

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      • #18
        Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

        Originally posted by catcon View Post
        I thought it was so uncannily similar to the OP's post that some of you might want to take a crack at it. Or maybe not.

        INT. STRIP JOINT AND TAVERN – NIGHT
        Ear-splitting rock music and indistinct conversation throbs
        all around Roger as he drops onto a bar stool, wags a finger
        at the bartender, gets a whiskey, and downs it in one gulp.
        Here's a take with a few details.

        INT. STRIP JOINT - NIGHT

        The air pulsates in time with an ear-splitting rendition of [appropriate rock music that sets the mood]

        AT THE CROWDED BAR Roger downs a shot. Motions for another.

        A TOPLESS BARTENDER is there in no time, pours a Jack Daniels. Cheers.


        I specify the music, and don't specify if Roger is sitting or standing or how he motions, and I also describe the bartender.
        You could also bring nude dancers into the scene.
        Last edited by jonpiper; 07-08-2018, 08:33 AM. Reason: tweaks

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        • #19
          Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

          Originally posted by UneducatedFan View Post
          ...It's an interesting balance to go through with an exercise. Narrative balanced against page real estate and both put in motion on the page either slowly, or building or racing along at various paces...
          That's why I posted this. Editing is a never-ending process, back and forth, till nothing gets done. Unless it's a significant change, I usually move on. Upon reflection, I see an opportunity in my original to remove the word "music" (just "rock" is good enough), but since I don't see how I can make 2 lines from 3, I'll just save that possible change in my memory bank for the edit I do next year. But I like the different suggestions I've seen, already. Thx
          Last edited by catcon; 07-06-2018, 01:02 PM.

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          • #20
            Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

            After reading all of the OP's examples I wondering of this scene requires much detail at all. You can enter this shot later:
            Mayor Hatch downs a shot and motions for another.

            In my non-pro opinion the detail needed depends on the plot and character.

            Is Hatch an alcoholic in a 10-step program breaking his year-long sobriety for some plot-related reason? If yes, layer in more detail.

            But if it's simply a man in a bar downing two quick shots I wouldn't agonize over it.
            Advice from writer, Kelly Sue DeConnick. "Try this: if you can replace your female character with a sexy lamp and the story still basically works, maybe you need another draft.-

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            • #21
              Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

              Originally posted by sc111 View Post
              Mayor Hatch downs a shot and motions for another.
              Thumbs-up smilie

              Oh wait! There it is! In the "post icons"

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              • #22
                Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

                Read this article: http://screenreads.com/formatting/di...ting_tips.html

                Towards the bottom I write about using incomplete sentences. I have no problem with them. I've seen direction in a screenplay where a writer who wants to convey that it is raining in the scene simply writes: "Rain." Clear and to the point.
                http://www.screenreads.com/formatting - The free screenplay formatting guide.

                My book on formatting, Your CUT TO: Is Showing!, is now available on Amazon.com.

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                • #23
                  Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

                  Originally posted by UneducatedFan View Post
                  In rewriting a feature script and in an effort to quicken the pace of the action lines, I've found myself writing condensed action items where in an attempt to remove "-ing" words or "-ed" words in favor of active action, I end up with run-ons (I don't think this is a problem) or just tail end truncated sentences.

                  Am I going too far by creating truncated or incomplete sentences, grammatically speaking.
                  If we, the readers (and future movie audience) in our minds' eyes can ‘see’ the image that you want to convey to us, you've done your job as the screenwriter. If an actor can ‘get it,’ and the camera can ‘get it,’ then the audience can ‘get it,’ too. Fret less. Write more.
                  Last edited by Clint Hill; 08-16-2018, 06:03 PM.
                  “Nothing is what rocks dream about” ― Aristotle

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                  • #24
                    Re: Truncated, incomplete sentences. Bad grammar or good staccato?

                    I've always avoided words that end in "ing" even though I know it doesn't matter, just a personal preference. Makes it feel more active to me.
                    Professional Screenwriting Services

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