In rewriting a feature script and in an effort to quicken the pace of the action lines, I've found myself writing condensed action items where in an attempt to remove "-ing" words or "-ed" words in favor of active action, I end up with run-ons (I don't think this is a problem) or just tail end truncated sentences.
Here are a few examples:
Should I make "Nods at the bartender" just another after comma addition or am I alright to keep it as it's own incomplete sentence?
Instead of:
A couple of others:
Or should I even cut it more?
I guess my question ends up being in an effort to trim from:
Am I going too far by creating truncated or incomplete sentences, grammatically speaking.
Here are a few examples:
Surly Bartender pours a shot. Mayor Hatch snatches it as soon as it's full, downs it, slaps the empty glass on the bar. Nods at the bartender.
Mayor Hatch pours another shot, turns from the bar, tips the shot back, savors it, A SIGH.
Mayor Hatch pours another shot. Turning from the bar, he tips it back. A savoring SIGH escapes his lips.
Mayor Hatch tries to pour another shot. Nothing. He squints into the bottle's bore. Empty.
Mayor Hatch tries to pour another shot. Nothing. Squints into the bottle's bore. Empty.
Mayor Hatch tries pouring another shot. Nothing comes out. He squints into the bottle's bore. It's Empty.
Comment